Work Text:
When people ask me about my plans for the future, I give them one of two answers depending on who’s asking. Either an extremely vague one, or exactly what they want to hear. I’ve never answered the question honestly.
My real answer… It's just too pathetic.
…
It’s a little past 3AM. I have school tomorrow, so I really shouldn’t be up right now, but… I’ve already decided I’ll lie and stay home tomorrow. Mom will yell at me a little bit, but whatever. My grades have been dropping anyway. Missing one class won’t make me any more stupid than I already am.
I’m even on my phone now, doomscrolling instead of sleeping, like an idiot. Part of me wants to text Hitori… she’s probably up anyway. But if I do, she’ll realize how awful I am… I’d rather torture myself than let that happen…
Hitori Goto… my perfect girlfriend… a shining star… how on earth could you fall for a black hole like me?
Why did I… come back to Kessoku Band…?
…
Tonight’s anxiety all stems from our recent practices. We’d begun to work on a new song with a different kind of rhythm guitar part than I usually play. Of course, Ryo offered to change it to a simpler progression to compensate for my lack of experience, but I’m not one to turn down a challenge. I’m always looking to improve! And with Hitori there to show me the way, I’ll never give up!
…That’s the lie I tell myself anyway.
I suppose it’s not a lie to say that I want to improve or that I want to challenge myself, but what I never tell people is why I try to do so…
Nonetheless, I tried as hard as I could to learn this song, but I just can’t wrap my head around it. I’m not even at the singing and playing stage yet, I can’t figure out how to make it sound good in the first place…
But the way her fingers move when she shows me how to play the song, it’s downright alluring. My fingers… could never move like that. My sound… could never be that clear. My playing… can never be as good as hers.
I wish I could say that talent is an artificial concept, but… it’s not. The ceiling to one’s proficiency in a skill is determined far before you ever pick it up. You can try your hardest at something and still perform worse than someone who doesn’t even care about what they’re doing. The same way you might be good at something that you don’t particularly enjoy. If that doesn’t describe talent… then what does?
It’s not an end all be all, but… for someone like me, it’s a constant reminder of how inadequate I am.
I’ll never be the best at guitar. I’ll never even catch up to Hitori. But, it’s not the fact that I’ll never be the best that makes me frustrated, I never expected myself to be the best at anything.
No, the simple fact is that there will always be someone better than me, and that fact continues to plague my mind. I’ve known for a long time that I’m nothing special, but I’ve let others’ words influence me too much. For the briefest of moments… I started to think I may be ‘talented’.
This new song was a crushing reminder of my mediocrity. My inability to keep up with those who will truly go far. A flickering light in a sea of stars. You might notice me for an instant, but you’ll forget that I even existed before long.
But… as I slowly lose what I thought was special about me, the abyss inside of me consumes all. I’m completely hollow after all.
Open me up and you won’t find a shred of originality. I’m like a shoddy art project made from plagiarized pieces that don’t even fit together well.
Who is Ikuyo Kita? Your guess is as good as mine.
Ikuyo Kita only exists as a response to others. Because there are others in the world who can view and engage with Ikuyo Kita, I can exist.
Specifically, from their praise. That may be the only thing fueling me these days…
I remember when I was younger… I didn’t have to try very hard to receive good marks, and when I did, everyone would praise me. It was great for me! I didn’t even have to put in effort to get the praise I so desired.
But then… the years kept going on, and my grades stopped being so impressive. Sure, I could try really hard to get a good mark, but I had set that to be the expectation. The idea of putting my all into something just for someone else to consider it the bare minimum makes me want to scream.
The truth is I’m an incredibly greedy person. I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want to be praised for anything I do well.
I am a being that lives off of praise.
Consequently, when I don't receive praise for extended periods of time, I feel worthless.
I have no sense of self. I build it on the words of others. And yet, even that will crumble if not maintained.
Soon enough, people are going to realize that I’m the exact same way with guitar as I was with my grades. My natural skill will hit a ceiling and I’ll lose the motivation to try to improve. I won’t be praised anymore, after all.
The façade will fall, and everyone will realize that I was never special to begin with. That there are hundreds upon thousands of people who have always been better than me. That I was simply never worth keeping an eye on in the first place.
A talentless hack desperately hanging onto the creativity of others in hopes of adoration.
I know this isn’t the way to live life, but… I don’t know any other way. I feel so empty…
‘Ikuyo Kita’ is a ticking time bomb… It’s only a matter of time until ‘she’ explodes and everyone realizes that I’m just a worthless husk dragging them down with me.
What are my plans for the future? Hell if I know. I’m just trying to keep it together until tomorrow.
It must feel nice to be special… to be unique…
Hey, Hitori… How does it feel to be perfect?