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Su Capla, Her Guilt
Due to me being unable to sleep and my current hyperfixation on Saw I have decided to write a fic between Amanda and John bcuz they’re my fav characters and holy shit their father/daughter relationship heals me. I just watched Saw X and decided to watch all the saw movies for the first time- and before anyone judges me for waiting this long to watch the Saw movies- yes ik I’m extremely late to the party. But in my defense I was like 4 when the first Saw movie came out and I wasn’t allowed to watch it lol. Plz enjoy the following fic which explores the relationship between Amanda and John.
Following the events that happened in Mexico, Amanda and John return home to continue their work of rehabilitating people; however, Amanda has been unable to keep herself from feeling guilty and responsible for Carlos’ involvement and John’s near death. Even Hoffman has noticed a drastic change in Amanda, and John decides to confront her.
TW: mentions of & implied self harm
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Her eyelids felt like led, noticeable bags lining underneath her bloodshot, tired eyes. Amanda was exhausted and yet had been unable to sleep or eat for days. She spent her nights staring up at the ceiling thinking about Carlos and John in the trap that was meant for her and blamed herself. During the day, she did her best to stay awake and kept herself busy working on various traps, sketches, and keeping tabs on the people she and John would soon be testing.
Even while sitting at her workbench tinkering with different mechanisms of her traps, her mind drifted away to the night that constantly plagued her mind. Carlos’ face covered in blood from almost drowning in it, his coughing and sputtering, John keeping his hand on the lever to save Carlos. He had fearlessly and selflessly put his own life in front of Carlos’ to protect him. It almost killed him, John had almost died that night….
And all Amanda could do was watch helplessly off to the side.
‘It should’ve been me,’ she thought bitterly, feeling her stomach in a knot. Of course, it hadn’t been her idea to put Carlos in the trap, that bitch Cecelia had forced her to make him play a game that was meant for her. Amanda had been fully prepared to drown in blood that night in order to protect John. That was her plan, she and him would be forced to play the game and Amanda would keep her hand on the lever so that John would be safe.
While they were planning the traps, John told Amanda that while they were both in their trap, he would be the one holding the lever down. She tried to argue, told him she could take it all, that he needed his strength, but John was persistent. So, Amanda had secretly planned to hold down her lever as hard as she could, until her biceps felt like they would tear through her skin.
But instead, it had been John that almost died that night. She knew it wasn’t her fault, yet she still felt responsible for what had happened, despite following her mentor’s very clear instructions.
Amanda’s chest had been hurting for days. It felt like someone was repeatedly kicking her heart every time she thought about that awful night. ‘You could’ve saved him…. He could’ve died that night, and what did you do?’
“Nothing,” Amanda would whisper in the dark, swinging her legs over the side of her bed and standing up. Unable to bear the weight of the shame she felt, Amanda would head for the workshop deciding to continue her work.
That was how her nights would go.
Anytime Amanda closed her eyes and tried to get an ounce of sleep, she would see John strapped down and gasping for air. It haunted her every time . She couldn’t even begin to think about the nightmares that plagued her mind, it was unbearable to have to relive everything that happened over and over again when she was asleep.
John’s attempt at comforting her hadn’t worked. He told her that it wasn’t her fault, even praised her for following the rules of the game and for trusting him. Yet, Amanda still could not help feeling responsible. She stopped looking at John because everytime she looked into the man’s aged face, flashes of blood smeared all over his face and clothes would appear and it would make her sick to her stomach. She couldn’t bare seeing him like that, could barely stand watching his health deteriorate.
Amanda began to question herself. What kind of apprentice was she if she couldn’t even save her mentor? She had stood idly by and watched him suffer, even if those were his clear instructions. ‘Fucking worthless, useless, pathetic, stupid, dumb, cunt,’ she thought.
Not even her blade could take the edge off and help her anymore. The cuts on her thighs stung throughout the day seeming to taunt her, a constant reminder that she was as useless as her blade. She couldn’t save John anymore than her blade could save her.
Cutting had always felt so blissful and always helped, but now it offered no relief for her.
The changes in her mood and behavior were noticeable even to Hoffman. Amanda stopped taunting him and questioning his work, she didn’t even defend herself if he would bait her. There was no bickering between them, at least not on Amanda’s end. She seemed to have no interest in continuing their rivalry, no matter how many times Mark would insult her, she would remain quiet and keep to herself.
“What happened in Mexico?” Mark finally asked one day, just a couple weeks after John and Amanda’s return. Once again attempting to taunt her, Amanda simply ignored him and walked out of the workshop.
“We played a game,” John said, watching Amanda’s short frame disappear from behind the glass doors. He had sent her to the store to pick up a few things they would need.
“I know that,” Mark said, circling John’s workbench, “but what happened exactly?”
John said nothing in response, continuing some sketches for his latest game. Mark wasn’t sure if he was purposely ignoring him or thinking of what to say next.
“Funny, I never got the feeling that you cared much for her,” John said, still not looking up at him. Mark was starting to feel annoyed.
“I don’t care about her anymore than she cares about me,” he said, “but if she can’t get her shit together and quit feeling sorry for herself, then she won’t be able to continue the games. You know that, right?”
John raised his eyebrows slightly and set his pencil down, finally looking up. “Let me worry about her. She’ll be fine, she just needs to get refocused.”
“Well you better do it sooner rather than later, the games will start soon.”
“Mark, why do we make these games?” John asked, furrowing his brows up at him.
The detective looked at him confused before responding, “To-to help people. To rehabilitate them, make them better people.” John leaned back in his chair and folded his hands together nodding up at Mark.
“Mhm, exactly.” Mark blinked and looked around the workshop utterly confused. For the first time in his life he was thankful his pager buzzed in his pocket.
“I gotta go, forensics finally came back on a case we’ve been working on.”
John nodded understandingly. “Go,” he said. He watched as a thankful Mark turned around, putting on his coat and leaving the workshop. John returned his attention back to his latest trap and continued working on it.
Within the hour, Amanda returned from the store with everything John asked for, some food, screws, nails, tape, nothing special. She had put everything away and continued avoiding John not wanting to disturb him. She wanted more than anything to seek comfort in him and talk to him about how she was feeling, but she didn’t want to disappoint him or make him think that she was weak. Besides, John was busy enough as it was with the next games and he didn’t need to be bothered with her insecurities.
But the weight of the crippling anxiety and guilt that hung over her like a cross bore down on her. It was starting to get unbearable feeling like this day after day.
After putting away all of the supplies, Amanda went to her room and turned on some music, Mudvayne, Forget to Remember blaring through her ears. The music playing grounded her and helped her cope with how she was feeling. Music was always there to catch her when she was falling and Amanda was grateful for it.
She sat on her makeshift bed and kicked her boots off, lying down and closing her eyes focusing on the music. Maybe she would finally be able to get some sleep.
~~~
Once John finally finished his last sketch for a trap device, he sighed and felt a weary weight lifted off his shoulders. It would soon be time to test his next subjects and he and his apprentices had started gathering information and setting up the next game.
He yawned and stretched out in his chair, standing up and stretching his legs. He glanced at the clock and wasn’t surprised to see that it was close to midnight, it hadn’t been the first time he’d ended up working this late.
“Can you save me? From myself, from these memories!”
He hadn’t noticed the grungy music that was playing while he was working and glanced down the hall to where Amanda’s room was and wasn’t surprised. Amanda enjoyed listening to music while she worked and he could appreciate this younger generation’s music taste at times. The music had become as familiar to him as the sound of his pencil on paper as he would sketch, or metal clanging against tools when he was building something.
He walked out of the workshop and down the hall, the music becoming louder and louder. How Amanda could still hear, he wasn’t sure. The door was ajar and John could see Amanda asleep on the bed still in her clothes, short hair a mess. He was grateful that she had finally been able to sleep and walked inside her room, grabbing the comforter and throwing it over her. He then turned down the music in her room not wanting her ears to be damaged and set it at a comfortable low volume so that she could still hear the music as she slept.
John had intended to speak with Amanda and get her to open up, but decided it could wait until tomorrow morning. “Goodnight Amanda,” he whispered as Amanda turned on her side and huddled under the comforter. He smiled at her and turned the lamp off before closing the door and heading to his own room for some much needed rest.
~~~
That morning, John had gotten up bright and early to start his day. He made a pot of coffee and enjoyed reading the morning newspaper before starting his work. Now that his sketches were all finished, he could begin making the devices he’d place on people.
Amanda hadn’t woken up yet but that wasn’t all surprising, she wasn’t much of a morning person. She usually didn’t wake up until nine or ten and he always let her sleep in, unless they had something important to do in the morning. John glanced over at the clock, it was a little after seven.
Figuring his apprentice wouldn’t be up for a while, he decided to start foraging the devices and poured himself more coffee.
At close to nine, Amanda hadn’t woken up yet. Past ten, she still wasn’t awake, come eleven, Amanda continued to sleep. John was starting to get worried and decided to check on her once it was early afternoon.
Amanda’s room was pitch black, there were no windows inside to shine light from outside. He flicked the switch on and noticed how messy it was. There were papers spread across the floor with drawings of trinkets, some clothes discarded in the corner, magazines on the ground, some of them depicting women in a less than lewd way, and CD cases littering the floor. He sighed heavily, the depression was apparent in her room.
It was time to have a talk with her, he couldn’t stand to see the usually upbeat woman miserable anymore.
John walked up to the bed and sat on the edge, shaking her gently. “Amanda… Amanda c’mon, wake up.”
“Mmm,” she mumbled out.
“Rise and shine Amanda,” he said, turning her music all the way up. Loud, grungy rock music blasted from the speakers and she immediately sat up covering her ears with her hands and turning it down.
“John?” Amanda asked, voice raspy.
“Morning,” he smiled, laughing at his antics.
“Hmmf, what’s wrong?” she asked.
“I wasn’t sure if you were alive or not, you slept through the whole morning.”
“Oh, I did? Sorry about that, didn’t mean to,” Amanda replied, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.
“I’m glad you got some rest, you needed it.”
“Eh, I’m fine,” she replied.
John looked around the room and back to her with a brow raised.
“What?”
“Amanda… we need to talk.”
Instantly she felt her heart beat fast and her anxiety spiked.
“Did I do anything wrong?” she asked, assuming she had fucked something up and a million thoughts of what she could possibly have done to upset him raced through her mind.
“Nothing, you didn’t do anything wrong,” John said quickly knowing how her nerves could get the best of her.
“Oh… well, what is it?” Amanda asked, still not fully convinced.
“I wanted to talk with you about your mood.”
“My mood?”
John nodded and pat her thigh with his hand, resting it there and staring at the floor. Amanda felt a wave of affection flood through her and placed her own hand over his. “I’m worried about you,” he said.
“Why? I-I’m fine,” she lied, her face growing warm.
“No, you haven’t been fine since we came home. You’re quiet, isolating yourself, you don’t eat, you don’t sleep, you barely talk. Even Mark notices a change in you.”
“Well I don’t know what he said, but really I’m fine. I promi-”
“Amanda,” he said, cutting her off and finally looking at her, “you’re not fine. You’ve been depressed for weeks.” Amanda averted his gaze and decided it was her turn to stare at the floor.
John brought a hand up to her cheek and forced her to look at him. He held his hand there and softly caressed her cheek watching as tears fell from her leaf brown eyes. “Amanda,” John said, “talk to me.”
She shook her head and bent down to rest it in her lap holding herself. Tears leaked out like a crack in a dam, and she felt herself shaking with emotion.“I-I can’t… I can’t look at you.” He was not expecting to hear that.
“What?”
“I can’t look at you! Everytime I see your face, all I can think of is that… fuckin’ blood smeared everywhere! And I… I couldn’t do anything!” She felt hot tears falling from her eyes and rested her head in her hands. John put an arm around his apprentice and hugged her close trying to reassure her.
“No no, you did everything.” Amanda snapped her head up and wiped her tired eyes, looking at him in disbelief.
“What!? I didn’t do anything but watch you almost die! When that bitch put you and Carlos in that trap and I watched you almost die, I just… I just felt so helpless! I couldn’t do anything and I know I was following the rules of the game, but I still couldn’t do anything to save you, or help you! It should’ve been me in that trap, not Carlos!”
John rubbed her back comfortingly and continued listening to the younger woman. He was glad she was finally getting this all off her chest.
“I couldn’t stand seeing you like that John, and I-I know we don’t have a lot of time left and it scares me, and I don’t know what I’m going to do without you! I thought I was gonna lose you that night and I… did nothing but watch uselessly!” Amanda sniffed and wiped her eyes as John squeezed her shoulder.
“Amanda, look at me,” John said. She shook her head no finding it unbearable to meet his gaze. Everytime Amanda looked into John’s face she felt responsible for what happened, felt a wave of guilt in the pit of her gut.
“I can’t.”
Her head hung low in shame and guilt, but it wasn’t a burden for her to carry and he wanted her to know this.
John could feel his eyes moistening and gently took her face in his hands holding her against his chest. “Listen to me Amanda, you have to stop blaming yourself for someone else’s actions. What happened to me and Carlos is not a burden for you to be carrying. It was not your fault, do you understand me?” She shook her head feeling her grief strike again.
“There are some things in life that cannot be stopped and other things that happen for a reason. You are not responsible for Carlos’ involvement nor my own.”
Amanda could not stop the tears from falling at this point and began to sob in against John’s chest. “I know! But, I feel like I was! I feel like it was- I feel like it was all my fault!”
“Shh, it’s okay,” he whispered, “I know you do, but it’s not your fault Amanda. I promise you.”
“I’m sorry John, I’m so so sorry!” The older man held her tightly as she continued crying into his chest. He would hold her for as long as she needed it and reassure her everytime it was needed. He knew how much pain she had faced in her life and now that Amanda wasn’t on drugs anymore her emotions were back full force. John was patient with her feelings and knew it would take time to adjust to the world without using substances to numb herself.
“It’s alright Amanda, let it out,” John said, rubbing her back as she cried into his chest. “It’s okay, I’ve got you.”
“I couldn’t do anything,” she sobbed, voice muffled against his chest and taking breaths in between her tears. “I thought you were gonna die! It should’ve been me in that trap, not Carlos! I was gonna- I was gonna save you and-and pour all the blood on me! I didn’t want you to drown John, I’m sorry!”
“Oh Amanda,” he said, “I was fully prepared to drown in that trap. I would’ve done the same thing to you that I did to Carlos, I wasn’t going to let you suffer if it had been you in the trap.”
“But-but I wanted to- to take it for you! I didn’t want you to drown!”
“I know you did, and I wasn’t going to let you.”
“But John, I could’ve-” he put a finger over her lips and shushed her.
“Listen to me Amanda, I’m a dying man. The cancer is already killing me slowly, there would be no point for you to drown in the blood from that trap. It would do no good if both of us died, and I am weak already. I was not going to let a drop of blood splatter on your face if it had been you in that trap.”
“I know, but I still didn’t want you to drown in all the blood! I wanted it to be me, I wanted to take all of the blood for you so that you wouldn’t have to suffer anymore than you already are.”
“It’s not your job to protect me. Besides, I needed you to be strong for me on our journey back home. You say you were unable to help me, but you made sure I was taken care of and guided me to the plane. You kept me awake when I needed to be, made sure my passport was with me, walked me around the airport and found a ride for us home. You say you couldn’t help me, but I say different. You helped me more than you know.”
Amanda wiped her eyes and sniffed. She hadn’t thought about it like that, she was able to take care of John on their trip back home from Mexico and made sure John got his medicine and treatments. Maybe… maybe she wasn’t useless after all.
She still would have preferred to be in the trap having all of the blood pour on her, but John was right about her helping him. He said she helped him, took care of him….
“I didn’t think about it like that.”
“I know. But it’s true, you did help me, Amanda. Thank you,” John said.
Amanda shook her head again. “You don’t have to thank me, John. I’ll always be there to help you.”
“I know, and I am grateful for it. But now, let me take care of you.” Amanda felt her eyes widen with shock and her cheeks felt hot.
He wanted to take care of her? No one had ever wanted to do that for her, never.
“I… I don’t know what to say,” Amanda replied truthfully. She really had no idea what to say to that, it was a first to have someone concerned for her.
“Amanda….” John contemplated on what he wanted to say next and collected his thoughts as he continued holding his apprentice. “When I found out that Jill was pregnant, I was ecstatic. We both were.” She felt a pang of jealousy in her and stuffed it down. She knew that John was still grieving for the loss of his son and felt horrible, downright sick for being jealous of John’s son. Bud, she wanted a fathers love and protection. She wished she could be John’s daughter so bad and wanted nothing more than to make him proud.
“When we lost Gideon, it was devastating. I thought I would never be able to get the chance to be a father…. I’m glad that’s not the case.”
Amanda’s heart skipped a beat and her brown eyes shot open. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that I lost my son and I miss him everyday, but I’m grateful that I gained a daughter,” John said, squeezing Amanda’s shoulder and holding her tight.
She was positive her heart had stopped beating now. ‘I gained a daughter… daughter… a daughter.’ Those words echoed in her mind over and over again. No one had ever told her they were grateful to have her, her own parents had definitely never treated her like a daughter.
“John?”
“Yes?”
“Do… do you really mean that?”
“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.” He wondered if she had ever been told this before. John was well aware of her abusive parents and knew that her upbringing had a profound effect on her today.
“I’ve never been told that before,” Amanda said, stunned.
His heart broke for her and he held her tightly. “That’s something every parent should tell their children. Something no child should ever have to wonder about.”
“Yeah, well… there were a lot of things I wondered about….”
John thought for a moment more before responding. “Did your parents ever tell you they loved you?”
“No. Actually, no one has ever told me that. I mean, I’ve had people say it to me, friends and old flings, but no one has ever meant it…. No one has ever loved me.”
The old man gathered her fully in his arms and held her face against his chest. “That’s not true.”
“What?”
“ I love you.”
“You- you what!?” She was sure she misheard him, a million thoughts her racing through her mind all at once as she panicked.
“I love you, Amanda. You’ve given me a chance to be a father again. That’s something I never thought I would ever be able to do after Gideon. It’s thanks to you that that’s not the case.”
‘I love you.’ If ever her shattered world was put back together or fixed. that would be it. Hearing John say that, the man she looked up to more than anyone she ever had and loved full heartedly, it was the most wonderful feeling in the world. Not even drugs could make her feel like this.
“John?”
“Yes?”
“I… I love you too.” John kept his arms locked around her body and rubbed her back soothingly.
They both stayed like that for a while, father and daughter holding eachother each for different reasons. John lost a son but gained a daughter, one he was both keen on protecting and eager to teach her everything that he knew. And for the first time in Amanda’s life, she had someone she could call father, a person that truly and genuinely cared for her well-being. It was what she always wanted and needed, something she had never experienced before.
Both were grateful to have each other in their lives.
~~~
This was my first Saw fic, I hope you guys really enjoyed it!!! I tried to keep John and Amanda as much in character as possible. I absolutely love their father/daughter relationship, it heals my fucked up relationship problems.
Please comment below and tell me what you thought!^^🙂