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Four Crusty Old Dudes Get Tricked Into Going To Denny's

Summary:

Hubert smirked. He scanned the email once more, checking for any typos. It was a bit short, yes, and a trained eye would easily tell it was a scam-- but the recipients were desperate enough that they might take the risk. If all went well, by tomorrow evening, the four of them would be in jail, having been arrested after fighting amongst themselves. Further investigations would ensue, and the truth would finally prevail. No more would these snakes be a thorn in his side.
He double checked the recipients, then clicked send.

Notes:

Context for this fic is here, here, here, here, and here.

Work Text:

To whomever it may concern,

Greetings. I hope that your day is going well. I come with great news for your glorious cause. It is of the utmost importance, and can be used to greatly further your endeavors in taking charge of our quaint little country. I would like to meet up with you in person to discuss these matters. It is too risky to converse over email. I have attached a coded address and time below, as well as a clue to decipher the message. For my own safety (as well as yours), I have decided to keep my identity a secret.

May our endeavors be fruitful,

Anon

Hubert smirked. He scanned the email once more, checking for any typos. It was a bit short, yes, and a trained eye would easily tell it was a scam-- but the recipients were desperate enough that they might take the risk. If all went well, by tomorrow evening, the four of them would be in jail, having been arrested after fighting amongst themselves. Further investigations would ensue, and the truth would finally prevail. No more would these snakes be a thorn in his side.

He double checked the recipients, then clicked send.


Four crusty old men sat in a booth at Denny’s. None of them wanted to be there, much less with each other. But for their transgressions they paid, and paid in awkward silence they did.

Sitting in the right-side corner of the booth was Volkhard von Arundel, chairman of Agartha Tech. In addition to being a high-tech college, Agartha Tech acted as the base for a secret society bent on destroying the goddess Sothis and (if possible) the rest of the gods. They were not a cult, unlike what some tried to claim. What cult members gave out their full names on business cards? He couldn’t even get last names out of his unwilling companions. Thus, his willingness to give information proved he was not part of a cult.

Next to Arundel was Manfroy, leader of the Loptr Church. Their faith worshiped Loptous, the god of darkness and evil. It was their goal to free him from the fiery pits of hell and bring about a new era under his rule. At least, that was Manfroy’s goal. Unbeknownst to him, many of the new generation did not like the idea of revenge upon those who drove them underground. They’d much rather live in peace. But it had been prophesied that Loptyr’s vessel would come to be in due time, and Manfroy was determined to see it through. 

Across from Manfroy sat Jedah, leader of the Duma Faithful. Similar to the Loptr Church, the Duma Faithful worshiped Duma, the god of strength and tenacity. The irony to this was that most of the Duma Faithful were frail old men. While their god drank protein shakes and hit the gym, they relied on magic for any menial task. In order to get new, stronger blood into their ranks, they’d resorted to kidnapping young adults and turning them into zombified servants. Jedah had done this to two of his three daughters. The third escaped into regular society with a vendetta against her father.  

Lastly, next to Jedah sat Validar, leader of the Grimleal. The Grimleal worshiped the other god of darkness and evil, Grima. None of them agreed on how Grima and Loptous came to co-exist. Some claimed Grima was Loptous’ child. Others claimed Grima was a chimera formed from Loptous and Naga’s blood. Validar refused to comment on this. He claimed “all beliefs should be respected”. In truth, he didn’t know either. He was too busy trying to convince his estranged daughter to come back and fulfill her duty as Grima’s chosen vessel. 

Needless to say, none of them had anything good in common.

It wasn’t long before the waiter arrived.

“Hello there,” said the waiter. He passed out the plastic-covered menus. “My name is Donnel, and I’ll be your server tonight. What would you all like to drink tonight?”

Arundel sighed. “Temporary truce?”

The other three replied with varying degrees of annoyance. “Temporary truce.”

Arundel turned to Donnel. “Four black coffees, please.”

“Alright, then,” Donnel said. “Be right back.”

As soon as he was gone, Arundel gently slammed his palms on the table. “Based on your faces, I’m assuming none of you sent that email.”

Manfroy scowled. “None of us even use email.”

Arundel leaned back against the booth. “Right, I forgot. Not sure how I did, considering someone is making me use Google for him.”

“That is a very specific situation!” Manfroy hissed. “If anyone can track someone down through the internet, it’s you.”

“You two are working together?” Validar asked, pouting. “And you didn’t tell us?”

“I have my reasons,” said Arundel. “And it’s not like you two don’t ally without telling us.”

Jedah rolled his eyes and picked up his menu. “He’s got us there.” 

The others followed suit. They leafed through the increasingly greasy menu items before Jedah scoffed.

“Look at this.” He pointed to a sandwich under the diner items. “They put mozzarella sticks between two slices of bread and called it a sandwich. That can’t be good for you.”

“In our new world, this won’t be a problem,” said Manfroy.

Validar scoffed. “In your new world.”

Arundel crossed his arms. “Says the guy who’s trying to destroy humanity.”

Donnel showed back up at the table with four mugs of coffee, as ordered. The men grumbled their thanks. 

"Alright sirs, are you ready to order?" He asked, whipping out a notepad and pen. 

Arundel spoke first. “I’ll take the wild salmon.”

Donnel’s eyes locked onto Manfroy, who handed him his menu. “Just a classic breakfast, please.”

Jedah also handed in his menu. “I’ll have a classic burger.”

Validar’s face paled. “I’ll… also have a classic burger.”

“Alright, then! We’ll have your order out in a jiffy.” Donnel left, leaving the four to mingle.

“I never took either of you for the burger type,” said Manfroy. He side-eyed Arundel. “You, however, seem like the kind of guy to order salmon at a sports bar.”

“As if I would deign to go to a sports bar.”

“Well you’re here at a Denny’s, aren’t you?” Jedah smirked. “Isn’t that worse?”

“You know why we’re all here,” Arundel said. “It’s that Vestra boy again. I just know it.”

Manfroy raised an eyebrow. “Who?”

“My niece’s personal assistant. He’s hated me ever since he was a young boy.”

“Why?”

“I don’t recall,” Arundel scoffed, “But he has made it his life’s mission to inconvenience me whenever possible.”

Validar rolled his eyes. “And now he’s brought us into it as well.”

Arundel nodded. “I assume he knows our goals are all incompatible and wants us all gone in one fell swoop.”

Jedah folded his hands. “You know, if he really wanted us to fight, he would have sent us to Waffle House.”

Instead of Donnel, a green-haired waitress came with their food. She passed it out accordingly. “Need anything else?”

The men grumbled under their breath.

“Alright then,” said the waitress. “Let us know if you change your minds.”

“Finally.” Jedah clenched his burger in his bony hands. “A meal worthy of Lord Duma. He loves protein, after all.”

“I didn’t realize he and Lord Grima had that in common,” said Validar, also holding his burger in a vice-grip. “Though Grima prefers meat. None of that-plant based filth.”

Arundel couldn’t help but stare at the two’s hands. Neither of them had good looking fingers, but what really got him were their unkempt fingernails. He raised an eyebrow. “When was the last time any of you trimmed your nails? You’ve practically got claws.”

“It’s to resemble the talons of Lord Grima,” said Validar, gleaming. “Only fitting for his High Priest.”

“So that’s your excuse,” Arundel said, “but what about you?”

Jedah’s face fell. He paused for a moment. “Does it matter?”

“Of course!” Arundel narrowed his eyes. “How can you have any self respect with terrible hygiene?”

“For Loptous’s sake, we are at a Denny’s!” Manfroy slammed down his fork. “We all fell for a scam email sent by a bratty college student! He’s probably laughing at us right now.”

Jedah turned to Validar. “I wonder if he told our daughters.”

“That assumes he knows them,” Validar replied, plucking a french fry off his plate.

“That brat has locked me out of my email more times than I can count,” said Arundel. “Once, he hacked the intercom in our offices to play explicit music. I have no doubt he managed to track down your daughters.”

“Not mine, though,” said Manfroy. He beamed with pride. “Unlike your daughters, mine didn’t run from her destiny.”

Validar and Jedah snickered. They glanced at each other, then back to Manfroy. Validar grinned. “We’ll see how long it stays like that.”

 Manfroy’s face contorted. He slumped against the table. “Anyways,” he growled, “Shouldn’t we be discussing the issue at hand?”

“Right, the Vestra boy.” Arundel cut into his salmon. “No matter what we do, he’s going to know it was us.”

“What about Gharnef, Nergal, and Riev?” asked Validar.  “Couldn’t we try to pin it on one of them?”

Jedah leaned back into the booth. “When was the last time Riev did anything relevant? He just follows around the CEO of Grado Informatics and his son.”

Validar’s lips curled. “Fair point.”

“Lyon Grado is going to Agartha Tech next year, actually,” said Arundel. “So is the elder daughter of Elusia Software’s CEO.”

“Of course they’re going there,” said Manfroy. “There’s two colleges on this island. One for nerds and one for everyone else.”

“Sonya considered going to Agartha Tech,” said Jedah. He leered at Arundel. “I almost approved it solely so she could spy on you.”

An idea popped into Validar’s head.

“And then you ruined that chance, didn’t you?” Arundel tilted his chin, his lips curled in a mocking smile. “You turned her sisters into zombies, and she ran away, dead set on ruining you. All that because you weren’t able to recruit anyone into your retirement home of a cult.”

Jedah clenched his jaw. “I’m not the dean of a college. Not all of us are as privileged as you.”

“Oh, can it already.” Validar pinched his brow. “The more we bicker, the more that brat gets his way.”

“To answer your question, Validar,” Arundel sneered, “Gharnef and Nergal are both busy at the moment. At least, that’s what my scouts told me.”

Manfroy snorted. “You have scouts, Arundel. Are you sure you aren’t a cult leader?”

“Gharnef is busy trying to convince one of the dragons– Medeus, I believe– into helping him get revenge on a former colleague of his,” Arundel said, completely dodging the question. “And Nergal is busy manipulating a group called the Black Fang. Though I also heard he’s having trouble with his daughter and her paramour.”

Jedah took a sip of coffee, then chuckled. “I always forget that guy got laid.”

“Twice, even,” said Manfroy. “Likely more than that.”

Arundel grit his teeth. “Let’s not talk about that right now.”

“You’re just jealous of us, aren’t you?” Validar smirked.

“Why would I be jealous of the man who’s estranged ex-wife took the vessel of his fell god in the divorce?” Arundel quipped. “Besides, how are you supposed to know I haven’t–” He paused, glancing down to his plate. A bit of bile rose in his throat. “No. I am not going down that path of discussion. Especially not because of the Vestra boy.”

(Unbeknownst to him, Caspar and Linhardt sat in the booth next to the group, writing down anything of note they said. Hubert sent them to spy on “Uncle Palpatine”, as Linhardt called him. Linhardt was starting to regret his decision.)

“I’m starting to think this ‘Vestra Boy”– Manfroy curled his fingers into quotes–  “is a dragon in disguise based on the way you talk about him.”

“It would explain a lot about him, all right,” Jedah quipped.

“Well, you’d be mistaken, as not only is he mortal, he has just as much disdain for the dragons as I do.”

Jedah chuckled once more. “That should make it easier to off him.”

“Is there anything you know of that we could use against him?” Manfroy asked, holding a slice of eggs benedict with his fork. “Likes, dislikes, close family members?”

“Well, he likes coffee, black like his soul–” he paused and raised his hands– “his words, not mine– strategy games, alternative music, his two younger siblings, and my niece, of course. But we are not getting my niece involved in this.”

“You’re very protective of that niece of yours,” Manfroy said. “Is it mutual? If her assistant despises you so much, I assume it’s not.”

Arundel glanced to the side. “It’s… complicated. That is all I’ll say.”

“I have an idea.” Validar raised his mug. “Put something in her assistant’s coffee while he’s not looking. Easy as that.”

“That sounds almost too easy.” Arundel raised an eyebrow. 

“At least try with laxatives sometime,”Jedah suggested, finishing his burger. “make his life as miserable as possible while he’s still here.”

“Perhaps we shouldn’t discuss this here,” said Arundel, glancing around. “It’s not exactly the most discreet location.” He gestured behind him (still unaware of Caspar and Linhardt’s presence).

“I don’t think anyone who cares is eating here right now,” said Validar. “Remember, this is a Denny’s.”

Manfroy put down his fork. “And also don’t think we want anyone we know to see us here. Dignity, and all that.”

(Arundel held back the urge to roll his eyes. Not a single one of those suck ups had any dignity. Frankly, no one who relied on a dragon to live their life did.)

Donnel strode back up to the booth. “How are y’all doing? Are you ready for the check?”

Manfroy spoke up this time. “I believe so, yes. No dessert for us today.”

Donnel smiled. “All right then. Will that be a lump sum, or will you all be splitting the bill?”

The four men fell silent.