Work Text:
"I love you."
Three simple words. Three simple words that would cause most people to blush or feel good about themselves. Three simple words that are usually responded to with an "I love you too", or a "thank you", or a hug, something positive. Definitely not a very upset "Just fuck off!" and running away on the verge of tears.
But that's what I got from Tori Spring the day I told her those three simple words.
I remember her face going bright red. I had never seen so much colour in her face, she normally looks quite sad and grey (not that that's a bad thing, just an observation ). Her eyes glazed over with tears and she stared into my eyes. She told me to fuck off, then she swiftly turned around and ran off. I'll never forget the look in her eyes. The look that was almost every negative emotion combined. Sadness, anger, overwhelm, disgust, embarrassment, guilt, self-hatred, it was all there, all contained within those pale blue eyes. That look makes me feel guilty as hell every time I think about it.
After it happened, Tori and I did not interact for a few days. I sent her an apology text. She didn't reply. She tried to call me. I didn't pick up. We both deliberately ignored each other's efforts to communicate, even though we both clearly wanted to talk. I'm not entirely sure why I didn't want to call her, I just didn't, I guess.
Monday was when we finally decided we'd actually communicate. That morning, Tori sent me a text saying "meet me at the park after school finishes today pls it is important". Part of me was excited about this, part of me was dreading it. The reply I gave her was a simple "ok". I spent my whole day thinking about what she could possibly want to talk about. Maybe she's going to apologise for swearing? Or maybe she'll tell me she just got a little flustered because she actually does love me back but didn't know how to feel? No, that's not going to happen, there wasn't anything that could possibly indicate love in her then. Maybe she just wants to have a more civil conversation about what happened. That sounds more like it. Oh God, maybe she's going to yell at me again... or, even worse, maybe she's going to say this was all my fault and I should've known better than to assume she loved me back. The possibilities were endless, and my mind hated not knowing exactly what was coming.
When school time was over, I ran as fast as I could to the park. I really, really, really wanted to know what Tori wanted to tell me. The suspense was killing me. I spent approximately two and a half minutes searching the park for Tori, getting more and more impatient the longer it took. I eventually got a text from her which read "turn around, dumbass". I turned around. I saw a figure standing under a tree, dressed in the Truham school uniform. Tori. Her dark hair blew in the wind, in perfect sync with the tree behind her. "TORI!!!!!" I exclaimed as I ran towards her. "Michael." Tori replied. She looked dead inside, as always. Her eyes met mine and she began to stare silently into my soul. I stared back, waiting in agonising suspense for her to say something. We had this awkward kind-of staring contest for a minute, before Tori's staring became uncomfortable for even me, and I looked away. My eyes darted around, eventually landing on the bandage that was wrapped around the palm of her left hand. It was sticking out from the sleeve of her blazer. My mind immediately jumped to the worst case scenario. I pointed at her hand. "Did you..." I started, but I couldn't finish my sentence. Tori seemed to know what I meant though, because she nodded. She pulled up the sleeve of her blazer, revealing that the bandage was wrapped around her wrist. "I did it after you... said the thing... I felt really shit about myself because I couldn't be normal and give you a positive reaction, I felt guilty, and I wanted that pain to go away, I guess, so I took the scissors from my drawer and..." she said, trailing off, but I could fill in the blanks. This made me feel guilty, like I could've stopped her from doing this if I hadn't have been an idiot and told her I love her. "Tori... Tori, you know that's not the right way to cope with emotional pain." I replied. Tori's eyes filled with tears. "I know, I'm sorry, I just had to..." she said.
This was when my guilt turned to anger. Not at Tori, but at the situation, and at myself for being an idiot. Unfortunately, my anger reared its ugly head, and I proceeded to scream at Tori. "YOU CAN'T JUST KEEP DOING THIS!! IT'S IRRATIONAL AND SELFISH AND STUPID AND DOESN'T SOLVE ANY PROBLEMS!!!! IT'S NOT GOING TO MAKE YOUR PAIN GO AWAY, IT'S NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING EXCEPT MAKE MORE PAIN!!!" I yelled, shedding a few tears of my own. "Michael-" Tori started, but I cut her off. "Think of Charlie. Did you ever stop to think how he would be affected by this?!? He's probably scared out of his mind now! He probably thought you were going to... to... to do something even worse than you did. You can't keep hurting yourself because it's affecting him. And me! I know you might not love me back but you surely still care about me, right? Surely you don't want me thinking you're suicidal or something!" I snapped. Tori and I were now both crying, and then it started to rain, as if the sky was crying with us. "Michael, I'm really sorry. I know, it was selfish to do that, I wasn't thinking of you or Charlie or anyone else but me when I did it. I didn't even stop when Charlie screamed and tried to grab the scissors from my hands when I did it. I didn't even stop when I saw the colour drain from Charlie's face when he realised what I was doing. I didn't stop even when I thought of you. I was an ass. And for that, I am sorry." Tori said, the tears rolling down her cheeks, in tandem with the raindrops falling onto her face, as if they were racing eachother. I looked at her, and I didn't think before I said, "I can't believe you fucking hurt yourself because I told you I loved you and you didn't feel the same way.". Tori looked deeply offended by that statement, about ready to kill me. I immediately regretted saying anything ever. "Well, what else am I supposed to fucking do, Michael?!?! I can't even be a normal person, I ruined your dreams by not falling for you the way your typical high school cliche movie works, all I ever do is make everybody else's mental health worse, my own mum fucking hates me, what else am I supposed to fucking do?!?!" she yelled, the tears falling almost as rapidly as the rain that was dripping down our faces. "I don't know. Maybe just admit you don't like me back and move on with life?!?!" I snapped back, although I felt extremely bad for saying this. It's not that easy. "But I-" Tori started, but I cut her off again. "-Yeah, yeah, you did break my heart. But maybe it's for the best." I said. "Fuck you." Tori said monotonously, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Fuck you too." I replied, then we parted ways and walked off. Well, I walked, Tori ran.
I had only one thing on my mind as I walked all the way back to my house, as the sky continued to cry heavily with me: I really need to see a therapist.