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“Panic is a sudden sensation of fear, which is so strong as to dominate or prevent reason and logical thinking, replacing it with overwhelming feelings of anxiety and frantic agitation consistent with an animalistic fight-or-flight reaction.
Architects and city planners try to accommodate for the symptoms of panic, such as herd behaviour, during design and planning , often using simulations to determine the best way to lead people to a safe exit and prevent congestion (Crowd collapses and crushes) . The most effective methods are often non-intuitive. A tall column or columns, placed in front of the door exit at a precisely calculated distance, may speed up the evacuation of a large room, as the obstacle divides the congestion well ahead of the choke point ” - Wikipedia, Panic [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panic ]
Jan had an almost too proximate relationship with panic. Panic attacks were almost an everyday thing for him when he was in high school. After graduating, the panic attacks got much more infrequent and Jan’s life got a lot easier. He made new friends when he started university, after high school.
Jan fell in love in the first year of university, but it didn’t end well. His girlfriend breaking up with him was a new trigger for Jan’s panic attacks and he was going down again. When Jan was at his lowest ever he met his new friend group. His four new friends, Kris, Bojan, Jure and Nace, saw him at his lowest point for the first time. It made their group really strong and Jan started feeling better.
After a while of hanging around with his new friend group, Jan really felt better. Then started the bullying.
Jan was always told that kids bully each other, but adults don’t. He was always told that the bullying would stop eventually, but it didn’t. It stopped after high school, but it started again. “Are you okay?” Kris had asked him after Jan had got back to school. He took a little break because he was too scared to get bullied. “Yeah, I was just a little sick so I had to take some rest”, Jan tried to smile as genuinely as possible. Jan tried to act as happy as he could but he felt Nace’s piercing eyes staring at him.
“I don’t believe you”, Nace said as he followed Jan towards the toilets. “Huh?” Jan asked, not turning around as he entered the bathroom. “I don’t believe that you were sick, I know you Janči”, Nace said as the door clicked shut behind them. Now Jan turned around and flashed a small smile at Nace. “I was a bit sick, don’t worry about me Nacko!” He replied, shrugging his other shoulder. Then Jan stepped into one of the bathroom stalls. “Okay, I’ll go back to the others”, Nace said and stepped out of the bathroom. Jan broke down.
Lectures were Jan’s favourite because there wasn’t any risk of bullies. He could just empty his brain and solve mathematical problems, all by himself. Jan was actually feeling okay that exact day. No signs of his bullies or panic attacks. Only him and his dear calculator. “Jan Peteh”, the professor's low voice said next to him. Jan raised his head and nodded: “Yes, professor”. “I’m really happy with your work lately”, he smiled and Jan felt even better. “I’m glad, thank you, professor!” Jan’s smile filled his whole face.
“So how was your first lecture?” Jure asked, biting his apple, as they were walking towards the library together. “It was good, I got comets about my good work”, Jan said proudly and earned a tap on the shoulder and a happy smile from Jure. “That’s great!” Jure replied, taking a new bite from his apple. “How about yours?” Jan asked as they entered the library. “I didn’t have a lecture yet, it starts in an hour”, Jure explained, lowering his books on the table. They started studying, just small-talking something here and there. Jan was still feeling happy, but that feeling was gone quickly when he was the nightmare group entering the library.
Here we go again, was the only thought in Jan’s head when he sped walk towards the single bathrooms. He was in the middle of a panic attack, trying to get away from the people. Jan got into the bathroom, locked it quickly and fell down on the floor. His breathing was really difficult, his heart beat faster than ever and he was covered in cold sweat. “Janči?” The voice was barely above a whisper but Jan knew exactly who it was. “Please, open the door. I don’t want you to be alone there”, he continued. Jan decided to open the door, feeling comfortable enough for the older man to see him like this. “Janči”, Nace locked the door behind him and sat on the floor beside Jan, wrapping his arms around him. “Breathe with me, please”.
Jan had calmed down after almost an hour. “Your lecture has started already”, Jan mumbled, avoiding Nace’s gaze. “I don’t care”, Nace whispered into Jan’s hair, stroking his back. “I care, you’re paying for this”, Jan replied and then there was a kiss pressed onto his forehead. “I don’t care, all I care about is you feeling better”, Nace said. “Why are you here?” Jan questioned and finally let their gazes meet. “Because you feel bad and I want to help you feel better”, Nace said and Jan nodded his head. “Well, you’ve accomplished your aspiration. I feel a lot better already”, Jan smiled weakly. “Good, but I’m not going anywhere. We should get you to your apartment”.
Jan opened the door and they stepped in. “How are you feeling now?” Nace asked as they took their shoes off walking further into the apartment. “I’m okay, but a little bit overwhelmed”, Jan said, leading Nace to his living room. “That sucks, I’m so sorry for you”, Nace’s voice was soft. “Don’t be sorry, I’ll be okay”, Jan smiled and when Nace spread his arms, he immediately stepped forward, straight into Nace’s arms.
“You’re a really good friend”, Jan whispered. “You too, I’m happy to be here”, Nace replied. “I’m sorry that I panicked again”, Jan’s voice stayed low and he could hear how Nace sighed. “You don’t have a right to apologize”, Nace said, moving his hand from Jan’s back to his cheek. “Don’t apologise”, Nace whispered, Jan feeling his hot breath on his face. “Kiss me”, Jan whispered back. “Gladly”, Nace said before smashing their lips together.
Jan was feeling so much better than earlier. They had napped, Jan and Nace, together Jan’s head on Nace’s chest and Nace’s hand caressing Jan’s back. “I want to stay here forever”, Jan whispered and Nace pressed a new kiss on Jan’s lips. “Me too”, Nace replied. “I don’t want to break it to you but we have our responsibilities in the future”, he continued and Jan groaned against Nace’s hoodie. “But we don’t have anything right now”, he then whispered and then Jan was satisfied again. “Yes, that’s what I want to hear”, Jan happily placed his head back on Nace’s chest. Nace pressed a kiss on Jan’s forehead and saw how the younger closed his eyes.
“Morning”, Bojan said as he entered the cafeteria where Jan and Nace were already studying. “Good morning”, Jan smiled and Bojan took a seat opposite of them. “You look prisk”, Bojan commented, taking his laptop from his backpack. “Yeah, I slept really well!” Jan said happily, squeezing Nace’s hand under the table. “Good, how about you?” Bojan turned towards Nace. “I slept well too!” Nace said, flashing a smile. “Okay, great! I slept okay, I studied pretty late”, Bojan said starting to write something on his laptop.
At some point, Kris and Jure had also joined them at the library. They small-talked something in the beginning but then all of them focused on their own studies. Jan felt how Nace stroked his hand softly. Jan smiled at Nace, hoping that there wasn’t too much love in his eyes. “Jan?” Bojan asked and Jan turned to look at him. “Yeah?” Jan asked, trying to ignore how Nace’s hand moved from his hand to his thigh. “Does your mom still teach Finnish?”
“Should we have lunch together?” Jure asked after his stomach had crumbled fourth time in five minutes. “Sure, I’m hungry as well!” Bojan agreed, starting to pack his stuff. “Yeah, I read that they have pizza in the cafeteria today”, Kris said, happily closing his laptop. “Uuh! I got even more hungry!” Bojan commented. They started walking towards the cafeteria, but Nace made a note that Jan wasn’t being himself. “Hey, are you okay?” He asked softly. “I-, uhm”, Jan stuttered, not being able to form a word. Nace slowed his walking and tried to make eye contact with Jan. “You can tell me anything, okay?” Nace made sure and Jan nodded his head with a breathy sigh. “I feel really anxious about eating right now”, Jan whispered and right away Nace placed a comforting hand on his back. “We’re not really hungry, see you guys later!” Nace shouted to the others who had stopped to wait for them. “Okay! See you tonight!” Bojan waved his hand as they started walking again. “Do you want to still eat something? Even a little?” Nace asked Jan, their foreheads almost touching. “Yeah, just a little”, Jan answered.
“I did a sandwich for you if that’s okay”, Nace said as Jan came from the bathroom. “Yeah, that’s perfect, thank you”, Jan said, sitting at the dining table. “I’m really happy that you told me how you really feel, it’s really important you know”, Nace said, taking a seat opposite Jan. “Yeah, I know. I just haven’t had a person in my life who I would’ve trusted enough to tell these things, or well maybe trust is a wrong word”, Jan raised his look to Nace. Love? “Uhm, I’ve never felt as comfortable around anyone as I do with you, you’re amazing Nace”, Jan said, giving him a small smile.
“Bojan really wants to learn Finnish, I gave him my mother's number so he can call her and talk about the courses”, Jan said, chuckling. He eyed Nace as he put the kettle on the stove. Nace chuckled as well, leaning onto the counter and looking at his kissable friend. “Why?” Nace questioned and Jan half-shrugged. “I think he befriended the new exchange student or something”, Jan commented and Nace took a step closer, his hand lingering on Jan’s waist. “Is there a new exchange student from Finland?” Nace questioned and Jan nodded his head. “Yes, his name was something similar to Jure… it was like Jare? No, I think it was… his name was Jere! Yeah, the name was Jere”, Jan explained while Nace just looked at him with a love-struck expression on his face. “What?” Jan questioned. “You are adorable… and I was maybe hoping for a kiss”, Nace whispered. Jan blushed and then slightly chuckled. “I’ll always give you a kiss”, Jan replied, connecting their lips. After they broke the kiss Nace smiled widely. “Are you my boyfriend?” He asked with a cheesy smile. “I think I am”, was the answer Jan gave Nace, smiling as widely as him.
“Love encompasses a range of strong and positive emotional and mental states, from the most sublime virtue or good habit, the deepest interpersonal affection, to the simplest pleasure. An example of this range of meanings is that the love of a mother differs from the love of a spouse, which differs from the love for food. Most commonly, love refers to a feeling of strong attraction and emotional attachment.
Love is considered to be both positive and negative, with its virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection - “the unselfish, loyaö and benevolent concern for the good of another” - and its vice representing a human moral flaw akin to vanity, selfishness, amour-propre, and egotism, potentially leading people into a type of mania, obsessiveness, or codependency.” - Wikipedia, Love [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love ]
“Nace”, Jan’s voice was shaky and it made Nace immediately worried. “Yeah?” He turned on his other side. “Are you alright?” He asked when he saw Jan’s glistening eyes. “I don’t know how to say this”, Jan whispered and Nace pulled him even closer than he was before. “Take your time”, Nace started drawing small circles on Jan’s back. “I think this isn’t just working”, Jan whispered and that scared Nace out of his mind. “What?” He questioned, confusedness shining from his face. “No… NO! That’s not what I meant”, Jan panicked and took a deep breath. “I mean like my feelings… I mean that I think… I think I love you”, Jan was brave enough to look into Nace’s eyes. The scared expression on Nace’s face quickly faded and changed into a really warm one. “I was so scared for a moment Janči!! I love you too!!” Nace pressed their lips together, smiling happily.
“You know that Bojan writes songs right?” Jan said all of a sudden. “Yeah, I’ve heard a few of them”, Nace said, blinking his eyes. “He has this one called Padam”, Jan said and Nace nodded his head. “It’s my favourite out of his songs. It’s almost like the song is about me”, Jan explained and Nace waited for him to continue. “There is a line that says Zdaj padam in padam, a me bo kdo ujel (I’m falling and falling, will anyone catch me?) and it just hit me so deeply every time I heard it because there was no one to catch me if I fell. Nowadays…” Jan smiled warmly at Nace. “You are here”, Jan took a break before he whispered: “And I’m sure you’d catch me if I fell”. Nace was almost crying while nodding his head. “Yes, I’m always here to catch you, I love you so much!” Nace pressed their foreheads together and smiled. “Good, I will catch you as well if you need it”, Jan promised and Nace nodded his head. “And I love you so much too”, Jan quickly added chuckling. Nace joined his chuckle. Then Jan put Padam on so it was playing in the background. When the song ended Nace whispered: “We should sleep”, and Jan nodded his head. “Could we listen to the song one more time?” Jan asked, giving his best puppy eyes at Nace, who couldn’t resist him at all. “Of course, darling”, Nace kissed his nose and repeated Padam one more time.
“Pazi nase, so mi rekli tisto noč. Mesto polno je duhov, ki več te ne spustijo proč. V ognjen obroč zaprejo te, ki sprva še pogreje te, počakajo, da tiho izzveniš.
Nisem jim verjel in večeru se predal, naj kar skuša me skušnjava, jaz ne bom se ji prodal. A ko prvi je metek poletel, me naravnost med oči zadel, sem izgubil svoja tla.
Zdaj padam in padam, a me bo kdo ujel? Z odprtimi rokami, z obrazom nasmejanim. Zdaj padam in padam, a bo kdo razumel? Če mi nič ne uspe, če izgubil bom vse, kar sem si želel.
Nisem jim verjel in večeru se predal. Izpijal sem mladost, z luno bolje se spoznal. A ko prvi je metek poletel, me naravnost med oči zadel, sem izgubil svoja tla.
In preden se nova noč zavrti, okrog mene nikogar več ni. Kje ste vsi? Takrat, ko najbolj boli.
Zdaj padam in padam, a me bo kdo ujel? Z odprtimi rokami, z obrazom nasmejanim. Zdaj padam in padam, a bo kdo razumel? Če mi nič ne uspe, če izgubil bom vse, kar sem si želel.
A me bo kdo ujel? A me bo kdo ujel? A me bo kdo objel? Zdaj padam in padam.” - Joker Out, Padam