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Karen didn’t know how to feel…
Anger, pain, sadness, despair…
She couldn’t tell. She felt many emotions at the same time and it was killing her.
She wanted to cry, she wanted to punch air, she felt remorse. She could have done more, instead she just stared blankly at that hospital bed with tears in her eyes.
After she had to tell the final verdict to the parents their expressions only made it worse. The mother was sobbing while the husband comforted her while he gave her thanks to Karen who accepted it with a fake professional look. She told them she’s sorry and left the room before her mask broke and the tears rolled down her face in the hallway.
She told people she was fine after they kept asking her how she was doing, she knew they knew she wasn’t telling the truth but they let it go and gave her a pat on her shoulder.
She walked home feeling empty, she couldn’t process what had happened. She let a patient die, all because they couldn’t save her. It’s so unfair! No one should have to die dammit!! She was a doctor for fuck’s sake!!
She felt her hands curl up into a fist and started shaking
No! Not here Karen…
She took a shaky breath regaining her normal posture and started to walk back until she heard her phone ring. It was the group chat.
——————————-
Nozomi: Guys!! Dinner at Time!! Rin got a promotion!!
Urara: Oh that’s Amazing!! Congrats Rin!!
Komachi: Congratulations!!
Kurumi: Yayyy!! More Big Apples!!
Rin: Aww thanks guys!! It’s really nothing much you know?
Kurumi: Nothing much!?!? Excuse you if you don’t want that promotion, I'll take it!!
Rin: Wait No please!!!
——
Karen laughed a little at their antics. They may be dumb but they’re her best friends goddammit, as dumb as their fights were they always made her laugh.
Then more messages popped up
————-
Komachi: So meet up at the Time cafe then?
Nozomi: Yup!! It’s a big celebration!!
Nozomi: Also someone tell Karen, she might still be working
Kurumi: I thought Karen got off already. She said she would get off early today
Komachi: Hold on I’ll text her
Kurumi: Maybe she had something to do? I’m sure she gets off soon.
Kurumi: @Karen you coming?
———
Karen’s breath suddenly hitched. Oh shit she can’t hang out like this. Not right now!!
It would do me some good though…
No!!
She gathered her courage to make at least a believable excuse
———-
Karen: Sorry!! I got roped in something at the hospital!! I don’t know if I’ll make it!
Karen: You guys have fun without me though!!
—————————
She quickly closed her phone, silencing it and putting it away, trying to calm herself down from the mini panic attack she almost had answering a simple question.
Don’t get her wrong, she was happy for Rin!! Rin had a crappy salary and a boss who didn’t care for their workers because all he cared about was money. She’s glad Rin finally had some respect.
But Karen can’t deal with her friends right now as she feels like she’s going to ruin the mood with her somber news compared to Rin.
She sighed and walked back home with her hands in her pockets.
Meanwhile the groupchat figured out something
—————————-
Urara: That was… Abrupt
Nozomi: Talk about leaving us in the dark
Komachi: You think Karen’s okay?
Kurumi: Maybe something bad happened at the hospital?
Rin: Or maybe she’s just busy
Kurumi: I’m worried. Is she okay?
Kurumi: She definitely didn’t sound like herself
Nozomi: We never have a party without Karen!! We shouldn’t now!!
Nozomi: I say we march to the hospital and ask Karen personally what’s wrong!!
Rin: Nozomi please don’t
Rin: We’re going to get kicked out if you do
Kurumi: Guys let me talk to her
Kurumi: I’ll find out what’s wrong
Kurumi: Have the party it’s okay
Nozomi: Nuh uh!! Not without everyone!!
Nozomi: We can cheer her up with a party!!
Nozomi: Then we can cry in the corner of the bathroom with Karen just to make her feel better!!
Urara: Yeah!!
Kurumi: Alright alright
Kurumi: just let me talk to her
—————————
Kurumi could tell something was wrong
She felt it when Karen typed her message before leaving.
She felt it all day
She knew today was a tough day for Karen due to her plans today
She felt Karen’s sadness and mix of emotions that only made things worse for Kurumi to figure out.
Sure Kurumi also had bad days. With her boss and her job she could say she’s really having it all. But Karen felt more troubled than normal and she didn’t like that at all.
To say she walked was an understatement. She sprinted to Karen’s house because she knew she wasn’t in the hospital.
Karen never hid her feelings well. That was a known fact in the group. If she was sad everyone noticed. They knew that if Karen was sad and trying to be happy she would have ended up breaking down in the bathroom stall when no one was there.
Though she wasn’t always successful and sometimes even broke down on the table with big fat tears while everyone rushed to her asking what’s wrong. At the end most of the time she just fell asleep next to Kurumi who would have been playing with her hair to calm her down when she was sobbing. Then Kurumi would carry her home.
She wouldn’t even drink alcohol and this shit always happens to her.
They were actually genuine emotions without the alcohol.
Even if she denied them everyone knew she was lying and that was more reason to worry if anything
So when Karen sent this unusual message with too many exclamation marks to be Karen she knew something happened
Kurumi ran from her office to the door, Ignoring her Boss’s screaming about her getting fired. She couldn’t care less for this good for nothing man. She had a girlfriend to comfort who was a lot more important than him.
She ran at Karen’s house which wasn’t far from her job
Kurumi knocked on the door nervously. To which Ji-ya opened in surprise
“Oh Miss Kurumi” He said, smiling at her “Karen isn’t home yet”
Kurumi sighed in relief “Oh good!! I wanted to surprise her!!”
Ji-ya just looked curious “Oh? I’m sure she’ll be happy about that”
“Ji-ya she’s not doing so good, i can tell. She’s just experienced something horrible at the hospital”
His face turned sad “oh… I’ll get the grape juice”
An hour later Karen came home, Looking gloomy, exhausted and having experienced many feelings at once. Still she put on a fake act before entering the house to who Ji-ya greeted her with his normal expressions.
“Sorry Ji-ya, I think I’ll skip dinner tonight. I’m not particularly feeling very hungry at the moment so I’ll go to bed”
“Ah yes. I understand, anytime you need anything Milady ask me”
Karen opened the door to her bedroom and closed it, sighing to herself and breaking the masked expression.
She would usually just study or read her books. But she particularly felt drained today and just fell on her bed. She didn’t feel like doing anything. Since when were beds so comfortable?
She heard something small move and alerted her senses. Only to see a red ribbon and she groaned before hiding her face in her sheets
“I know you’re here Kurumi”
Milk peeked out smiling at her while Karen smiled back.
She turned back into Kurumi
“What’s with the sad face today Karen?” Asked Kurumi genuinely concerned
“What do you mean?”
Kurumi frowned at her
“You’ve been acting sad all day and you even didn’t go to Time today… and you sent too many exclamation marks!!!”
“Oh I’m fine”
“Fine my ass”
Karen looked down on the floor, guilty. Kurumi noticed, realizing she said something wrong and lowered her tone
“Hey… What’s wrong? You can tell me anything you know?” She said reaching out to Karen’s shoulder who shuddered when she touched her causing her to pull out. Betraying her emotions.
Realizing what was about to happen. She cursed herself and tried talking to the badly shaking and hyperventilating blue haired girl on the bed.
“Hey…Karen” Kurumi said, cautious with her movements not wanting to scare her “Can I hug you? Are you okay with that?”
Karen let out a small sob, when she managed to get out a small ‘Yes’. Kurumi took that as her permission and hugged Karen who started sobbing even louder on her shoulder as Kurumi started hugging her tighter, whispering her unintelligible words to calm her down.
Kurumi didn’t know what to do. Usually Komachi did and helped Karen through her panic attacks every time they were at the restaurant.
“Dammit!!” She thought to herself. She could call Komachi but she couldn’t. So she tried to act like Komachi did when she was with her.
“Karen. Hey” Kurumi said in a soft voice, trying not to panic as she is worse than she already is.
“Karen, listen to me. You need to breathe” Kurumi said determinedly, trying to get her to listen “You’re hyperventilating and you need to breathe, okay?”
When she wasn’t breathing she then gently shook her which caused Karen’s breath to hitch.
“Karen, look at me. Karen” when Karen tried to look up Kurumi saw her face and it broke her heart. She felt so bad for the poor girl. Streams of tears and red eyes met the girl's own face who looked like she was about to cry herself at her pity. She looked like a child when she cried.
“Karen please. I know how you’re feeling right now, I know you feel like everything is burning inside. But please listen to me and take a breath!! Please. Do it for me”
Karen seemed to focus on getting a good breath before shuddering again when Kurumi started rubbing her back, guiding her when to breathe.
Karen did try but a shaky breath came out instead that caused her to tear up even more in pain before Kurumi hugged her again.
“You’re doing great love, just keep breathing like i’m telling you too” She said in an encouraging tone to her girlfriend who nodded through teary visions and tears.
Kurumi looked at her in worry as she felt Karen’s shudders throughout every breath.
Once Karen started getting used to breathing again. She pulled her down her chest telling her to listen and focus on her heart beat which seemed to work as her sobs started becoming less violent and less frequent.
She noticed Karen’s hand shaking and held out her hand to the tear filled girl she had been holding. She shook her again to get her attention.
“Hey. Hold my hand” She said reassuringly to her girlfriend who first seemed hesitant, but then held it.
She started stroking her hair to calm her down “There we go. See? That wasn’t so bad!! You’re doing amazing sweetheart”
Karen could only nod through her tearful face as she felt herself slowing coming back from reality. How many hours did it pass?
Karen didn’t know what had been happening. She had been talking to Kurumi, next thing she knew she suddenly broke down and struggled to breathe as she soaked Kurumi’s shirt with what appeared to be her own tears. How many years of emotions was that?
Damn she was suddenly tired…
She didn’t know how much time she had missed or spent. But she suddenly felt someone pat her hair and stroke it to which Karen panicked until she heard Kurumi again and relaxed at her touch, that always seemed to calm her down. She didn’t know why though…
They spent a few hours and Karen slowly came back into reality. She also started noticing how their positions had seemed to change and she was now on Kurumi’s stomach whose hand had been playing with Karen’s long blue hair for a while. She suddenly felt safe and sleepy in Kurumi’s warm embrace hearing her heartbeat and that she was okay now.
Karen looked up in tiredness and red angry tears to Kurumi’s face. Who immediately noticed hers and she smiled at her.
“Hey there humbug! Feeling better?” Kurumi said in a calm tone. It made her feel like a dad but she didn’t mind it because Karen gave her a happy, tired smile a little at her remark which was everything Kurumi needed to see in life after an attack this bad.
“Yeah” Karen finally said, her voice raspy and low but otherwise okay.
Kurumi sighed in relief before kissing her forehead again.
“You really scared me back there. It was a rough one wasn’t it? Are you sure you’re okay?” Kurumi said in a concerning tone
Karen nodded, not feeling like talking
“Sorry for bothering you…” Karen said
“Wha- You’re not bothering me!!” Kurumi said defensively “Karen honey you’ve never bothered me!!”
“Really?” Asked Karen hopeful which broke her heart. Did Karen always think that?
“Yes!! Did you always think that?!” Kurumi asks. Concerned.
“I just didn’t want to bother anyone…”
Kurumi gasps, and squishes Karen’s face “Minazuki Karen!! You are not a burden and you will never be!! I wanna hear you say it!!”
“Wha-“
“Say it!! I am not a burden and I will never be!!”
“But-”
“S A Y I T”
Karen took a breath. “I am not a burden and I will never be.”
Kurumi smiled and let go of her face “Good! Now remember it!!”
Karen smiled “Yeah”
There was an uncomfortable silence in the room until Karen broke it.
“Can you stay? Please?” Asked Karen
Kurumi smiled at that, hoping she would have said it.
“Of course!! Leaving is no option right now!!! I’m staying until you’re back to normal!!”
Karen smiled and leaned against her weakly.
“Thank you”
They were hugging each other, enjoying the silence of the night while the both of them had started dozing off comfortably . It was a few minutes before Kurumi snapped out of it and awkwardly broke the comfortable silence.
Kurumi took a breath before asking “Hey I know you’re probably not in the mood for anything right now. But you wanna talk about it? You absolutely don’t have to if you don’t want to!!”
Karen looked at her in surprise before looking back thoughtfully and sighing.
Karen took a deep breath and tried to stand up before being caught by Kurumi who laid her on the back of the bed.
“Whoa whoa there Minazuki Karen!! I don’t think so.” She said, helping her lean on the wood of the bed “You really think you’re going to not fall on your face after something like this? Nah”
“But-“ Karen started complaining until Kurumi shushed her again
“No buts. You’re staying in that bed tonight”
“Aww”
“Nope”
“…Fine, but can I at least get a grape juice box from that mini fridge?
Kurumi looked at the mini fridge on the side “Fine, but I’m getting it”
She got up to get it and Karen yelled “The good ones!!”
“Yeah I know,” She said, laughing.
Kurumi got the boxes and handed one to Karen who happily sucked on it and enjoyed it. Why did she look so cute right now?
When Karen finished her box she had gotten a bit of strength to sit herself and lay herself back without Kurumi helping her.
After a few minutes of comfortable silence of cuddling, Karen finally started talking.
“You know my patient?” Karen started “Karumi?”
Kurumi nodded “She’s your newest patient isn’t she?”
“Yeah”
Karen’s face suddenly turned somber. “I stayed with her during her last hours… on her deathbed”
Kurumi’s face turned worried. Deathbed?!? Did she watch her patient die?!
“Karen I- I’m so sorry” Kurumi said, in shock at what Karen just told her.
“Terminal cancer… I-I couldn’t help, I couldn't fix it!! They told me to not get too attached but when I saw Karumi… She reminded me of my old me.”
Karen took a shaky breath she didn’t even know she had been taking. Since when was the room so small?
“And I wanted to cheer her up because I knew exactly how she felt!! But she wouldn’t trust me the first few months… but when I finally opened up to her about my experience of middle school we started bonding”
She felt Kurumi’s hand run circles in her back. How long had she been doing that? She looked at Kurumi who gave her an encouraging look and a look of sympathy. She took another shaky breath and continued her story.
“I brought her snacks that I knew she could eat when I could, we tried to solve a puzzle together but failed miserably. We watched her favorite shows and I found out she really idolized Sailor Moon so one day I came to her room with a Sailor Moon Funko pop. The face she made I never forgot it, it made her happy to see she smiled” Karen said with a bittersweet face, she felt a tear run down her eye.
“Her parents were really nice too. They always visited her when their job wasn’t busy and she looked forward to every visit because she knew she might not be still here for the next one. Her parents always said how I was her favorite doctor in the hospital and she would always compliment me when in other days i felt like a terrible person”
Karen didn’t notice she had been on Kurumi’s lap until she heard a sniffle. She shook badly and continued the story with the last of her emotional strength she had left.
“On her last day she specifically wanted to spend her last hours with me. I felt many feelings that day, a lot of mixed feelings when I stared at her in her deathbed with a pale look slowly dying and I. The doctor that was supposed to help her, was watching her own patient die without being able to do anything.
She took another difficult breath before feeling her voice finally broke “Aren’t doctors supposed to save people?”
I felt so hopeless looking at Karen’s rant while her voice got faster and louder. I could feel the well known frustration I had also felt many times Karen was feeling and I just wanted to hug her. Tell her it’s okay, I want to protect her
She heard a sniffle again. It was Karen
Karen felt horrible, experiencing the feelings she had experienced that day. She wanted to throw up, run away, cry… she felt herself shaking and wanted to die
She was about to say something but got interrupted by another stroke in her hair so she gladly leaned in.
“Kurumi?” Karen said, crying.
“Shh don’t panic, relax I got you okay?” She said in a comforting voice that made Karen want to melt and fall asleep to.
Karen nodded with the new tears in her eyes before letting Kurumi pull her head down and play with strands of her hair, braiding them and lulling Karen to much needed sleep she needed after today with her magical fingers and her humming all while warmth overwhelmed her.
From the hair playing to the encouraging words from Kurumi murmuring to Karen passing by like wind, Karen finally gave in to sleep and muttered two words before deeply falling asleep for what felt like years.
“Thank… You Kurumi…” She heard Karen whisper
“Love… you…” Was all Kurumi heard before Karen finally gave out and she looked at Karen in awe and concern.
She looked so peaceful
She had no words.
Poor girl
She didn’t think she helped her so much!!
She kissed the top of Karen’s head “I love you too Karen”