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Patrice (@danceswithsaturn) wrote in @gc3_fc,
xxxx - xx - xx 5:54 PM
Conspiracy Corner - Secret marriage?
Alright gang, it’s that time of the week again. I know a lot of us have thrown this one around casually in the community, and there are believers and naysayers on all sides, so I figured it was high time to actual get all the facts straight in one post, so:
Glenn F. Close. Is he fucking married or what?
Let’s start with all the evidence against: namely, all the interviews he’s done to suggest that he’s a free-wheeling free-loving stallion that can’t be tamed. To name a few big ones:
This puff piece for Rolling Stone’s April XXXX issue
This slightly more scathing interview for Nylon’s June/July 2XXX music issue
An… expose? piece for, of all things, Vanity Fair May 2XXX
Not to mention all the radio interviews and TV spots and the man’s own fucking twitter account and it feels pretty open-and-shut, right? Guy’s a big ol’ manwhore who wouldn’t know what a commitment was if it spat in his face (which he’s into if that one weird-ass interview for Variety is any indication.)
Well, what’s the evidence for some sort of super top secret nuptial? Well, I can’t say I have a ton of evidence on this front, but what I can find is...interesting:
There’s the fact that he wears a fucking wedding ring, for starters. Which, I know what you’re thinking - he explains that in his interviews! Well, sure, but Glenn Close is known. Maybe not an A-List celebrity but well-known enough that he’s getting the aforementioned interviews in big publications, not just fanzine X and Indie magazine Y. Point being, you’d probably recognize him if you talked to him long enough, right? How’s he getting any tail if he’s disclosing his fucking moves that he apparently still uses?
But let’s say he’s still getting it nightly. Cool. Where’s all the people he’s supposedly fucking? Again, he’s known, he’s a public figure. If he’s really that much of a player that loves them and leaves them, somebody would’ve gone public with something, right? Twitter is big and people like to talk. I find it weird that there’s not so much as a peep on that front, not even haters who, as we all know, are gonna hate.
There are, however, several tweets - and even several posts in this very community - of people - mostly fans, so take it all with a grain of salt - claiming how much of a chill, kinda spacey, really fucking weird, but ultimately gracious guy he seems to be.
There are also a LOT of tweets about how haughty, flighty, arrogant, vain, self-important, dismissive, and rude he is, so again - take the above with a grain of salt.
But Patrice, you scream in exasperation. None of this points to a secret marriage! If anything, you’ve just posted evidence of Glenn Close being a prude who doesn’t want people touching him! Well, first off, asexuals exist (but this is another conspiracy theory for another time, because even though these two things are totally related, this post is getting long enough as it is), secondly, yeah, Glenn has made it very clear that he doesn’t want people touching him on multiple occasions, what are you, new around here, (also, don’t touch people without their permission? Come the fuck on?) and thirdly:
You haven’t seen the tweet have you?
[a screenshot of a tweet supposedly from Glenn’s twitter account.]
Credit to @heymrdj for providing us a cap of this. I know there was a whole lot of shit flinging about this a few weeks ago, so I’ll try to be brief and as neutral as possible: look through Glenn’s twitter and then look at this tweet and judge for yourself. I think this is an actual (now deleted) tweet from the man himself. The avatar is right for the year it was posted, time of day that he posted this (ass o clock in the evening/morning) lines up with when he usually posts, it even has his “types like a sixteen year old girl” style of writing. If it’s fake, it’s a damn good one, but I think its legit.
Anyway. What do you think? I have my opinions, but I’m honestly dying to know what the consensus here is.
TAGS: conspiracy corner
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MOD NOTE
@whotaughtyoumath
Gonna start off with a general “Be civil” to everyone participating. We don’t want a repeat of last time. Mod L and I have the ban hammer and we are not afraid to use it.
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@giveme_anegg
I have nothing to add except I’m reading that Nylon article right now and I’m stunned but also laughing very hard at how hard they roast him and his fans in it, like, holy shit. “Slightly more scathing,” is one way of putting it.
@mustachio_icecream
“A soupy, overblown coke-fueled monument to the worst excesses of the turn of the century, fit only for the most simpering of the bottom feeders. For this we must thank Glenn F. Close, for which this rare celestial occurrence of money, egoism, in-group antagonism, bass overdubbing, and hair wax would not be possible.”
Jesus FUCK this is brutal.
@hollabackgrrl
Yeah the hair comment seems kind of uncalled for.
@mustachio_icecream
It’s jingle bells! Fucking jingle bells, dude!! I’m surprised none of his fans came down on this writer if I’m being honest.
@giveme_anegg
I mean. We’ve got:
one asshole going after a dude whose band covers O Holy Night but in French for some inexplicable reason;
a whole bunch of assholes who can’t hold it together long enough to be interviewed by an asshole going after a dude whose band covers Carol of the Bells but it’s a fifteen minute scat solo;
King Asshole himself, Glenn F. Close;
and us, a whole bunch of assholes who listen to Christmas covers outside of the holidays and are spinning conspiracy theories about whether the guy is secretly married or not.
Let’s face it: none of us look good here.
@danceswithsaturn
So what you’re saying is… we need to start calling ourselves bottom feeders.
@giveme_anegg
What?! NO!!
@tragicallymalicious
Too late, all Glenn Close Trio Fan Club members are now known as bottom feeders, Egg has decreed it, it is law.
@whotaughtyoumath
It is law.
@giveme_anegg
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
@tragicallymalicious
“Coke-fueled” I can’t speak for Aliona and Elladj but uhhhh I seriously doubt it’s coke that he’s on all the time.
@whotaughtyoumath
I know, right? He’s obviously getting high off hair wax.
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@huffpuffpastry
Are we sure it’s actually a wedding ring? It looks a little… not janky, per se, but it doesn’t look like any wedding band I’ve ever seen.
@danceswithsaturn
I’ve spent more time staring at his left hand than I care to admit, but I know exactly what you mean. Like the actual hoop just looks weird and too thin? Not cheap, just… weird.
@mayoi_joy
Thin and weird looking... like… maybe it’s not meant to be a single ring?
Like maybe it’s a part of something bigger?
A part of a whole?
[two images of different gimmal rings]
A whole ass ring?
@danceswithsaturn
O_O
@huffpuffpastry
Mother of god…
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@tohellandback
I know you skated past the “Glenn might be ace” deal but… the man wears an ace ring.
[photo]
He’s ace, I don’t care what anyone fucking says.
@milkshake_maker
...or it’s a swingers ring. With the way he talks about sex so casually, I’d say it’s safer to say that he’s into that sort of thing rather than he abstains from it all together.
@tohellandback
“Abstains” lmfao okay, you don’t know what you’re talking about clearly
@milkshake_maker
I know that being a swinger is real and not some fake shit that straight people made up to feel special
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@knit1_pearl2
*touches ground gently* Something happened here…
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MOD NOTE - milkshake maker_banned for being a troll and an asshole
@tragicallymalicious
Really you guys? Thread frozen, and consider the rest of you warned. Remember rule 3 - don’t feed the damn trolls.
And for the record, Glenn has stated multiple times that he’s “not picky,” when it comes to dating. [link] [link] [link] Make of that what you will.
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@wawaweewa
Honestly, who cares if he’s married or not? The REAL conspiracy is how he’s so well known when all he does is fucking Christmas music. Muscians have it rough as it is. Only playing during the holidays? I don’t know how GC3 does it.
@danceswithsaturn
Controversy breeds sales I guess? Even the nice, flattering articles don’t paint THAT much of a flattering, wholesome picture no matter how chill and nice and easy going he seems. It’s that or he or someone he knows (like maybe a secret spouse, you see what I did there) is secretly loaded and this is just something he does as a hobby. A very expensive hobby.
@3_ducks_in_a_trenchcoat
New conspiracy theory: Glenn Close is somebody’s sugar baby and that’s how he’s able to make such a comfortable living as a musician.
@pizza_pizza
Or he’s a mail order husband XD
@whotaughtyoumath
Starting to feel weird in this joint. Let’s slow our roll before things get… racially charged.
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@heymrdj
Oh, hey, it’s that screen cap I took. Wild.
@danceswithsaturn
Wild, indeed. Since your screenshot is what sparked (or resparked depending on your point of view) this whole thing what are your thoughts?
@heymrdj
I have my own thoughts obviously, but I think this warrants it’s own comment thread.
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@heymrdj
Sooo I know all of this is in good fun and most of us don’t really take any of this seriously, but honestly? This shit’s none of our damn business, and the man himself has made it obvious that it’s none of our damn business.
Like yeah, he’s a total space cadet that says the wildest shit on twitter literally all the time and there are all these interviews where he’s running his mouth (the gelatin incident comes to mind, I did not need to know that much in that level of detail), and we all like to make fun of how for a guy who’s as paranoid as he is, he sure doesn’t seem to know how the location tracker on his phone works but credit where credit is due: What do you actually know about Glenn Close that’s not just dumb surface level trivia, or weirdo shit specifically designed to get a rise out of people? Not much, I’m guessing.
Point is, guy might be a fucking ditz who’d lose his head if it weren’t screwed on, and maybe not even then, but when it comes to his privacy, he’s a fucking locked safe. I don’t think we’ll be figuring out anything unless he (or maybe even his partner, so that the curious know where I stand on that. I mean, obviously. I took the screen cap.) wants us to figure it out.
@absolutekelvin
Point is, guy might be a fucking ditz who’d lose his head if it weren’t screwed on
Or if it weren’t tied on with a certain necklace :P
@heymrdj
See, even obviously jokey stuff like that feels like it’s not our business. Someone asked him about it on twitter and they were like... very weird and accusatory, and, god bless him he responded jokingly and played it off but obviously he didn’t want to answer it because… he didn’t actually answer the question.
And like, even this feels weird and personal and like I'm reading too much into it. I don’t know man. Let’s just let the man be, right?
@giveme_anegg
Well damn.
Here I was, all ready to fire back, guns ablazing, but you know what? I can name his favorite color, the languages he can speak, why he has rose tattoos, but other than that?
You’re absolutely right. We don’t actually know shit about him. Even the gelatin thing he only mentioned when the interviewer was starting to really turn the screws about his relationship status.
It’s yellow, btw.
@heymrdj
Yeah, this, and even that felt like he was only answering bc they were twisting his arm. Actually, all the really personal stuff that we know about him (he left home at 18, parents are divorced and he doesn’t talk to either of them, he’s an only child as far as HE knows) feels like they were said under duress, or accidentally, and he always immediately changes the subject to some wild shit that he’s done or has happened to him. Always, everytime, without fail.
@tohellandback
Shit, we don’t even know what his ethnicity even is, just that he’s “mixed.” That’s how little we know about him.
@heymrdj
See what I mean?
And hey, again, maybe I’m the one who's reading too much into things. All I’m saying is that we shouldn’t be too much into people’s personal lives, especially if they’ve made a point (or what seems to be a point) of not bringing it up at all.
Unless he’s a weirdo who eats hotdogs sideways. If that’s the case, I think we’d all need to know if he’s a monster so that we can appropriately shun him.
@tragicallymalicious
Well, obviously.
@danceswithsaturn
Goes without saying, really.
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