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Lydia didn’t speak to anyone for most of the day. After what happened last night, she couldn’t risk it. She couldn’t risk a memory surfacing and attacking someone else like she’d attacked Rudolph. It still baffled her that he had been so quick to forgive her, that he had even comforted her.
She didn’t deserve it. She had become a raging monster at that moment, caught off guard by her friend’s words.
“She only loves you because you’re just like your mother”
She knew deep down Rudolph was right, yet she still lost her mind. All she’d been able to register in that moment was that Rebecca had been in the room with her, her mind was screaming that Rudolph was a threat, and when she finally let go of him she was that terrified little girl again. It was no excuse. She was a danger to herself, and worse yet she was a danger to others. She was a liability.
This was nothing new. Rebecca always showed up at Lydia’s worst moments, when the memories overtook her, reading her thoughts sometimes. It was so much worse than when Lydia merely relived a dark moment of her childhood. So much worse, because Rebecca spoke of things that were happening now. Taunting her, reminding her what she had grown up to be.
And every time Lydia tried to stand up for herself, she was always rendered speechless. In those moments she forgot Rebecca had been dead for years, that she wasn’t real. Last night had been especially painful. She had sobbed her heart out in Rudolph’s arms as he apologized for triggering her episode. Rebecca hadn’t left until shortly before she was able to stop crying.
Rudolph shouldn’t have been the one apologizing. Lydia had attacked him. It should have been her. It should have been Lydia begging on her goddamn knees for forgiveness for restraining him how she did. Forgiveness that shouldn’t have been granted. She hadn’t injured him physically, he had assured her of that, but she would rather die than let it happen again, to Rudolph or to anyone else.
It was a good thing, then, that she had managed to stay away from Rudolph today. It was for his own good. He was dealing with enough as is, Danny keeping her distance from him, his bout of illness, and all. The last thing he needed was a friend who put him in harm’s way just because she had one of her shell shocking episodes. He didn’t need a broken psychotic thing like her.
It was a good thing then, that he had taken her up on her suggestion and talked with Ileana. He didn’t need Lydia, he needed someone like Ileana. Someone who could fill the hole in his heart that Danny had left. Ileana had told Lydia about their encounter in the library. The young woman had been surprised when Lydia gave no response to the news. Of course Lydia was over the moon about it, but she couldn’t risk saying so. She couldn’t risk saying the wrong thing and lashing out again, for Rebecca was never far away. Her memories were never far away.
As Lydia lay in bed that night, unable to fall asleep, one of her earliest memories reared its head. In fact, it had been on her mind all day. Playing back over and over no matter how many times she tried to will it away. She didn’t have the strength of mind to get rid of it, just as she didn’t have the strength of mind to rid herself of Rebecca. But oh, how she wished she could.
Danny had returned from the doctor in Kerrith. They all knew she was pregnant, but Mother had insisted that a doctor confirm Danny’s condition. Lydia heard Danny crying, and even at a mere almost 3 years old she knew those cries weren’t normal. They sounded terrible, like someone had taken Danny’s heart and ripped it from her chest. Lydia didn’t understand what was happening to the poor woman, but in her tiny little mind she knew she had to help somehow.
She stepped out of her room and tiptoed down the hall. Mother didn’t like it when she made too much noise. Danny was still crying, and when Lydia found her she was standing at the top of the stairs. The little girl had no clue why Danny was just standing there with her eyes closed. She was muttering something that Lydia couldn’t make out, holding her stomach.
Was this about the baby?
Danny took a step backwards, not noticing Lydia was standing a few feet away, and then thrust herself forward. Down the stairs the poor housekeeper went. A door opened, and Mother rushed in to catch Danny just in time.
Lydia was glad Danny hadn’t succeeded in her attempt to end her life. If she had, Rudolph wouldn’t exist, Lydia would have been alone in this house that was far too big with only Rebecca and her father. She was glad Danny hadn’t succeeded, but perhaps the housekeeper had the right idea.
Lydia had no baby inside her to think of, only those she had hurt, Rudolph. Only those who probably wished she would disappear anyway, her father. Only those who barely knew her and would get over her in time, Ileana, Elliot, Ellison.
There would come a time she would hurt them all too. She couldn’t risk it. She couldn’t live like this. She couldn’t live at all now that she knew just the kind of monster she was capable of being. Danny had the right idea back then. Danny had the right idea, and Lydia had no reason not to attempt the same. She had every reason to throw herself down the stairs. They’d all be better off.
Rudolph would find a better friend, one less broken than she. He already had Alice and now Ileana. Father wouldn’t have any reason to scorn her for getting in the way of his perfect little family. Ileana would mourn for a time, she was far too sweet for her own good, but she had others to put her energy into. Those others being Elliot and Ellison, who knew Lydia even less than their mother did. Lydia was sure she hadn’t spoken more than 100 words to the twins yet. As adorable as they were, their vast difference in age meant they didn’t have much in common yet besides sharing a father.
Father was right, they were innocent. They were young enough that they might not even remember Lydia once she ended it all. Perhaps Father would do them the mercy of insisting Lydia had been a figure of their imaginations, or maybe he’d tell them she was just someone who came around Manderley from time to time. A relative of little consequence. It was all she deserved. More than she deserved.
Lydia slipped out of bed and made her way to the top of the staircase with all of those thoughts in mind. Everyone else had been asleep for hours. No one would see it happen. With any luck no one would wake up and hear it either.
“Don’t just stand there,” Rebecca said from behind her. Of course she was here. Of course she wouldn’t just let her go in peace.
Lydia turned to see Rebecca standing there. She was wearing that velvet colored dress that Lydia remembered so well. Her long dark hair so similar to Lydia’s own cascaded down her back. Her smile was cold and soulless as ever. “I-I’m not…not for long” Lydia stuttered, as she finished speaking she felt like she had lost her breath.
Rebecca approached her, grabbing hold of her by her torso. Something she often did to Lydia when she was still alive, when she was angry and decided Lydia was in need of punishment or just in need of someone to take her fury out on. Lydia could feel Rebecca’s breath against her skin as the woman got right up in her face.
“You said you’d make sure you couldn’t hurt anyone else, now make good on it. Didn’t I always teach you not to break your promises?” Rebecca asked, letting out her usual sadistic laugh. “Then again, you never did listen to me. You never appreciated what I did for you”
Lydia tried to come up with some way to tell Rebecca just what she thought of her, but as usual it came to nothing. Another reason Lydia needed to end it all, Rebecca couldn’t get to her anymore. She wouldn’t have to see her again. She wouldn’t be helpless anymore. She wouldn’t have to put up with her taunts, her reminders, her laugh, her chilling eyes, that fucking smile. “L-Let go of me…p-please?” Lydia eventually whimpered.
For once, Rebecca obliged. Lydia grabbed hold of the bannister, not ready to throw herself just yet. She realized she was crying. Why was she crying? Maybe it was her body’s way of letting it all out before she took her life.
“Ungrateful little bitch” Rebecca leered, disappearing before Lydia’s very eyes only a second later.
This was it, she couldn’t stall a moment longer. Just as Danny had done years ago, Lydia stepped backward. Before she could thrust herself down the stairs, she heard a door open. No, this wasn’t happening. No one else was supposed to be awake.
Had one of the twins heard her talking to Rebecca? Would they see what was going to happen? That couldn’t happen. She couldn’t leave them traumatized like that. Not like how she herself had been upon seeing Danny’s own attempt. She stepped away from the stairs, her body shaking like a leaf, her legs feeling like jello, tears still pouring with a vengeance.
Danny collapsed into Mother’s arms. She was still sobbing as Mother held onto her for dear life. Lydia ran to them as fast as her little legs would go. “Danny!” She called out, horrified.
Mother looked at her with that scary expression. The one that always meant Lydia was going to be yelled at. “This doesn’t concern you, go away” She demanded.
Lydia was already scared at the thought of Danny being hurt, and her mother’s harshness caused her to start crying. “But Danny…is she ok? Is the baby ok?” She didn’t know what else to do, so she reached for Danny’s shoulder, wanting to fix whatever was going on.
“Did you not hear me, Lydia? Go, now” Mother barked. Lydia felt like she couldn’t move. She wouldn’t move until she knew if Danny and her baby were alright.
Danny sobbed Lydia’s mother’s name, proclaiming she couldn’t do this, but she also couldn’t die before her child had the chance to enter the world. In a rare moment of tenderness, Mother began to stroke her housekeeper’s hair, kissing her face. Encouraging her to stay strong, to live. All the while, Lydia watched as if she were a statue made of stone.
The next few moments were a blur. Danny had stopped crying, but Mother was not pleased Lydia hadn’t done as she had been told. But Lydia hadn’t been able to move. How could she have obeyed when Danny was feeling so badly? “You stupid girl, get out! Go to your room” Mother shouted.
Lydia didn’t need to be told twice then. She ran ran ran back to her room. “Danny, please be ok. Please.”
The next Lydia knew, she had collapsed onto her knees, still gripping the bannister. Someone was calling her name. She prayed it wasn’t Elliot or Ellison. If either of them had watched it all, Lydia wouldn’t forgive herself. They weren’t all that much older than she had been during Danny’s pregnancy. Only a little over a year. Still young enough not to understand, but more than old enough to feel traumatized by it all the same.
“Liebling, I need you to let go of the railing”
Thank god it was just Ileana. The use of the nickname liebling gave that away, for the young woman had begun referring to Lydia as such after the cupid incident. Lydia remembered the young woman mentioning she spoke a little German, that liebling was a translation of my love. Apparently she and Lydia’s father had made their home in Switzerland after their honeymoon and she picked up bits and phrases of the language while living there.
Lydia did as Ileana asked and let go of the bannister. Her hands were trembling as she did so. Ileana helped her to her feet, leading her back to her room. Lydia wondered why she was even bothering with her? She felt guilty that the young woman had to swoop in yet again to talk her down from her state of mind.
Twice in as many days. Ileana would probably grow tired of it soon. Tired of her and her broken self, just like Father was. Even angels had their limits.
Lydia sat down at the edge of her bed, fully expecting Ileana to leave despite having learned the previous day just how nurturing she was. To her surprise, the young woman stayed, sitting next to Lydia. “Another attack?” Ileana asked.
Lydia shook her head. “N-Not really…” She choked out, her voice barely audible. “I-I mean it was…s-she was there, but…that’s not why…not all of it”
“Liebling, what happened?” Ileana asked, not seeming to understand her meaning, but she was most definitely worried.
Lydia stammered out an explanation. She couldn’t exactly lie to Ileana. She was never a very good liar, and it didn’t help that she had grown to trust the young woman rather quickly.
“Why…?” Ileana asked, her face only growing more concerned once she knew exactly why Lydia was on the stairs.
Lydia hated that she was crying yet again. She had cried more than enough in the last two days. “D-Don’t wanna hurt anyone…t-that’s all I do…h-hurt people”
“Lydia…” Ileana had pulled her close so she was pressed against the young woman’s chest, stroking her hair. Just as Rudolph had done last night. Just as Lydia had seen Rebecca do to Danny all those years ago.
She wasn’t sure what Ileana even was to her. Legally she was Lydia’s stepmother, but that didn’t exactly answer the question in Lydia’s mind. At 26, Ileana was only 11 years older than Lydia. The age difference was the same as Lydia and the twins’ and that fact complicated things dramatically. She didn’t know if Ileana was supposed to be a mother figure, an older sister, a friend, or just someone Lydia lived with who happened to be married to her father. She knew she’d never be comfortable calling her Mama like Elliot and Ellison did, but right now she was more of the mother type than Rebecca had ever been.
Rebecca had loved Danny more than Lydia. Lydia didn’t need to be told as much, but she had known it ever since Danny tried to kill herself. Why else would Rebecca have comforted Danny as she did despite never sparing Lydia a thought when she had needed comfort?
A small, foolish, part of her had hoped Rebecca would do so when she tried to jump herself. But of course it hadn’t happened that way. Rebecca didn’t love her. Rebecca didn’t give a shit whether she lived or died, so long as it didn’t reflect badly on her. Lydia shouldn’t have thought her appearance would bring any sort of comfort. Only fear. Only pain. Only memories. Only the desire to do terrible things to herself, the primal instinct to hurt people.
Lydia was a monster created by Rebecca, nurtured by her father’s neglect and Danny’s idolization. There was no turning back from that. Not even Ileana could change that. No one could fix her, only she could. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t do shit to fix herself, no matter how hard she tried.
Stupid psychotic ungrateful bitch. This is why her father took so long to return. This is why Rebecca hated her so much. She had just known there was something inherently wrong with Lydia and only abused her so badly in order to squash it. Stomp on it and rip it to pieces. Kill the beast within. But it hadn’t worked. Nothing ever did. It only made it stronger, made her worse. Irredeemable, erratic, dangerous.
There was something so very wrong with her, and these last few days had only proved it. She wished she had been able to do one thing right in her life by at least attempting to spare everyone else in this fucking house the pain of her existence.
Ileana shushed her, still stroking her hair. “There’s nothing wrong with you, liebling” She said, causing Lydia to realize she had voiced some of her thoughts aloud.
Just when things couldn’t seem to get worse, Lydia heard footsteps approaching. Her father’s footsteps. What was he doing here? She didn’t want him here unless he was here to apologize for everything. And Maxim de Winter never apologized. Not to Lydia. Never to her.
“Ileana what’s going on?” He asked his wife.
Lydia immediately pulled out of the hug to look at him. He was standing in the doorway with an unreadable look on his face. Maybe he was concerned, or just faking it. Anything to look good for his perfect little wife and her perfect fucking kids and their perfect family that Lydia knew she was just an outsider to. Appearances, he was keeping up appearances. Maybe he wasn’t, maybe he was being genuine for once, but Lydia still wanted him to go away regardless.
Ileana must have sensed Lydia’s feelings on the matter, for she quickly said “Please, Maxim, not now” and told him she’d come back to bed in a few moments.
Lydia was relieved when he did leave. She didn’t want to explain any of this to him. It wouldn’t come to anything. Maybe he’d claim to regret leaving her at Manderley all these years, but if he really was sorry he would’ve apologized the day he arrived. The day she burst into his study to tell him just how pissed she was with him.
If he was really sorry, he would've let her know he was getting married 5 years ago. If he was really sorry, he would’ve sent for her after the honeymoon.
“Ileana…d-don’t tell him. Don’t tell him what happened” Lydia begged the young woman.
Ileana looked at her with a confused expression, sighing. “I have to, he has a right to know”
“You’ll think he’ll care one way or the other?” Lydia let out a sad sounding laugh.
Ileana nodded, and it was clear she thought the best of her husband. “Of course he will. I know things…haven’t been very warm between you two but he’s still your father” She said.
Lydia held in a retort that he should have acted like a father. She didn’t want to upset Ileana, she didn’t want to push her away by bad mouthing the woman’s husband. Instead, she turned to her and asked “When did he tell you about me? Ellison said she and Elliot didn’t know I existed until two months before the four of you arrived”
From the guilty look on Ileana’s face, Lydia could tell she wasn’t going to like the answer. She prepared for the worst possible outcome. “That’s when I found out too” Ileana told her.
That wasn’t exactly what Lydia had expected. The cynical part of her that often reared its head as of late had thought Ileana had known of her long ago. That she had just been ok with the fact that Lydia was back at Manderley, waiting for some kind of sign. The rational part of her knew that wasn’t possible, she hadn’t known Ileana very long but she could tell the young woman wasn’t the type of person to let that kind of thing slide for so long.
She wasn’t like Lydia’s father. She wondered why Ileana was even still married to him after finding out he had lied to her about something so serious. Maybe it was for the same reason Father hadn’t divorced Rebecca. Maybe she felt trapped, like she couldn’t leave. Maybe she stayed for the false notion that her children would be better off with both parents around even if one parent didn’t deserve to be called as much.
If that was the case, Lydia ought to warn her to take Elliot and Ellison and run for the hills. Run and don’t look back before they become just as fucked up as Lydia. Would she heed that advice?
“That's why we came back. I heard him mention your name while he was on the phone with Bea and asked who you were. I…I thought you were his niece, maybe a cousin of his, but then he told me you were his daughter…” Ileana spoke with a shakiness that Lydia could tell was her trying not to cry herself.
“Of course he didn’t say anything. I…for a moment I thought you knew all along” Lydia confessed, looking down at the floor. She was ashamed of having thought that of the young woman, and that overrode all the self deprecating things Lydia might have said otherwise.
Ileana shook her head. “No, I didn’t know and my biggest regret is that I never thought to ask. If I’d have known I would have…I’m so sorry, liebling” She said, taking Lydia’s hand in both of hers.
Lydia sighed. This wouldn’t do at all. “Why are you apologizing? I don’t want to hear anyone apologizing for this except him, and god knows he never will” She wouldn’t have Ileana blaming herself, even if that made her a raging hypocrite.
Ileana was definitely about to apologize yet again, but apparently she thought better of it. “I wanted him to make things right with you. I…I’m not proud of this, but I asked him if he would ever leave the twins like he left you” She continued.
Lydia hadn’t thought Ileana had it in her before, but maybe that question had been a threat. A threat of divorce, to take the kids and flee because their father was a piece of shit. She really should’ve done it, but no, she was a far more forgiving woman than Lydia ever would be. Her father didn’t deserve Ileana, he deserved her even less than Lydia did. “And…what did he say?” She dared to ask.
“He said that he wouldn’t. I knew he meant it, and it was all I needed to tell him what he needed to do” Ileana answered.
Of fucking course. Rebecca loved Danny more than her. Her father loved his new wife and children more than her and had to be threatened with losing them to come home. The only adult that treated her as their first choice was Danny, and even she only did so because of Rebecca. Fucking Rebecca, she was probably going to appear any moment to rub it all in her face.
No she wouldn’t, only because it was what Lydia expected. Rebecca thrived on catching her off guard. That was the one thing that brought Lydia relief at the moment. That and the fact that Ileana was even still here. This whole return was brought about by her.
Lydia did not deserve her in the slightest. She didn’t deserve any sort of love from this woman. Ileana had no moral obligation to her, a broken thing beyond repair who was far too old to even remotely pass for her child. And yet, and yet, and yet... “You made him come home…because of me?” The realization had finally been spoken aloud.
“Mhm” Ileana replied, nodding her head yes. “It was either that or have you brought to us. Either way I wanted you part of our lives”
To think that someone in this house older than Lydia actually wanted her. Wanted her for herself for that matter. She didn’t need to be Rebecca. She didn’t need to fake happiness. She could just be…whoever she was. She still didn’t know that yet. Regardless, her heart was suddenly filled with an intense kind of joy. Years of having gratitude instilled in her even when there was no cause for it all seemed to unravel, because now she actually felt grateful.
Rebecca hadn’t wanted her. Her father didn’t want her. Ileana did want her even knowing how broken she was, knowing she probably wouldn’t be fixed. And something told Lydia that the young woman wouldn’t mind if she never so much as thought of her as a mother. Whatever Ileana was to her could be decided later.
Now Lydia was the one hugging her instead. How the tables have turned. “That…to hear that is more than I could have asked for” She said as they pulled apart.
She felt a sense of deja vu. Like she had heard those same words she had just spoken before. No, she really had heard them before. Danny had said them to Rebecca when Rebecca told her she’d allow an unborn Rudolph to live among Manderley. Danny had clearly felt just as grateful as Lydia did now.
The only difference is, Ileana had not a single malicious thought behind those eyes. At least none that Lydia was aware of. She was not Rebecca. She never would be Rebecca. Lydia already knew Ileana was different from her, better than her, but once again she was glad for it, as if she was discovering it for the first time.
“I don’t think it’s enough” Ileana’s voice cut through Lydia’s thoughts like a blade. “What he did to you was totally wrong, and I don’t fully understand the extent of what Rebecca put you through, but clearly it was bad enough to cause whatever goes through your mind during these attacks…” She started to trail off. Lydia waited for her to finish the thought.
“The point is, you shouldn’t have had to prove yourself worthy of love and you don’t have to prove anything to me…whatever we are” Ileana finished.
How did she always just know the right things to say? She spoke in a manner almost unsure of herself, that awkward little smile on her face. Just as young and lost as Lydia, even with the fact that Ileana had 11 years and motherhood twice over on her. Yet this conviction was so strong, as was everything Ileana said to her during these awful vulnerable moments. Lydia could tell she meant what she said.
No need to keep up appearances and no need to prove anything. It was like hell hath frozen over and Lydia had been taught to skate on top of the ice. Like some sort of dream she wished she’d never wake up from. It was a far cry from what her father likely would have had to say about all this.
Ileana squeezed her hand, quickly asking if Lydia was alright. When Lydia said she was, Ileana stood up. “And by the way, I won’t tell him. I’ll leave that to you when you’re ready,” She said, making her way towards the door.
Lydia had been this close to asking Ileana to stay with her, but for whatever reason she didn’t do so. Instead she offered a slightly wavering but genuine smile, and Ileana smiled back as she closed the door behind her. Lydia made herself comfortable under her covers, only just realizing that she had momentarily forgotten what led her to this moment in the first place.
Ileana wouldn’t be able to stop her from hurting anyone. She wouldn’t be able to repair what was far too damaged. She wouldn’t have the power to tame the awful creature she was capable of becoming. No one person ever would, not even Lydia herself. But there was relief to be found. A sanctuary that she could go to, however temporary it may be.
Yes, that’s what Ileana was to her, another confidante. The first person besides Rudolph to truly understand the depths of her soul. Or at least most of it. To understand and not think any less of her for it.
Lydia was not at all expecting it to last forever, not with her past experience, but maybe the important thing was she had found it in the first place.