Work Text:
Hua Cheng stares at the drops of blood as they splatter onto the floor. Little red flowers bloom on the polished wood. He’ll have to clean that up.
In a minute, he thinks, and lifts E’ming again. It shivers unhappily in his hand.
"We deserve this," he reminds it. Shame and horror wash over him as he remembers Xie Lian’s mangled leg this morning, the cheerful lack of concern for himself as he’d presented the small child he’d saved from the out-of-control wagon.
You’re safe, Xie Lian had told the dirty little thing. But Xie Lian hadn’t been.
And then Hua Cheng had had the audacity to break down when Xie Lian had been the one who needed help.
Now, with Xie Lian healed and off on a grocery trip, he has the privacy to punish himself for letting his god be hurt.
He grips E’ming tight and -
"San Lang," a horrified whisper carries across the room.
Hua Cheng whips his head around. His pupil shrinks. He’d been so busy focusing on his failure to protect his god that he hadn’t even noticed said god approaching.
Another failure. Xie Lian was never supposed to see this.
"San Lang, what are you doing?" Xie Lian’s voice rises until he’s nearly screaming.
"I - I let you get hurt," Hua Cheng manages, head swimming. E’ming rips itself out of his fist, quivering in mid-air behind a bedpost. "Don’t worry, Your Highness. I’ll clean this all up."
"Don’t worry?" Xie Lian says in a high-pitched voice. In an instant, he’s at Hua Cheng’s side, grabbing his arm, seemingly trying to stop the bleeding. His hands stain red with blood. "How can I not worry?"
Hua Cheng waves a hand, dissolving the blood into butterflies. His wounds seal and disappear, leaving him with a feeling of loss - how is he supposed to atone for his failures now?
"Look, Your Highness," he says, collecting himself and steadying his voice. "All gone. I’m okay."
Suddenly, he’s tackled to the ground. "How can you say that?" Xie Lian demands, looming over him, hair falling onto Hua Cheng’s shoulders. Hua Cheng shivers, staring back up at him. He doesn’t deserve to be touched by something so divine as His Highness’s hair.
He moves to gently disentangle them, to separate his unworthy self from His Highness’s hands -
Xie Lian slams his wrists onto the floor. It doesn’t hurt. Hua Cheng wishes it would.
"How can you say that," Xie Lian repeats. "I know better than to think you’re okay if you’ve resorted to taking a blade to yourself. How could you? You told me you were safe."
"I’m always safe," Hua Cheng says, blinking up at him in confusion. He nods down at the unblemished skin on his arms. "E’ming can’t permanently hurt me. I’m its master."
Xie Lian stares down at him, looking horrified. "San Lang," he says, sounding lost.
"I’m all healed," Hua Cheng says soothingly. "It’s like it never happened."
"No, it’s not!" Xie Lian exclaims, slamming his wrists onto the floor again. "San Lang, I know what you’re feeling. It’s awful. You were in so much pain that you could only let it out like this."
"You know what I’m feeling?" Hua Cheng asks, dread swirling in his stomach. A horrible realization begins to dawn on him. Has His Highness -
"I - yes, I think so," Xie Lian says, sitting back. He tugs Hua Cheng up, carefully intertwining their fingers. "It hurt you that I got trampled this morning, and you needed something that was physically painful enough to replace the pain in your heart."
"You’ve done this yourself," Hua Cheng states, barely a question.
Xie Lian glances away, down at the floor. It’s enough of an answer. Hua Cheng’s heart breaks.
"Your Highness," he whispers.
Xie Lian’s gaze snaps back to him. "But that’s not the point," he says firmly. "The point is that - that you can’t do this anymore. We’ll find something else to help you, something that isn’t like this. Do you know how awful it was to see you just now? San Lang, do you know?"
Before Hua Cheng has a chance to answer, Xie Lian crushes their foreheads together. An image fills Hua Cheng’s vision.
Xie Lian still hasn’t mastered the memory transfer technique. His memories are less crystal-clear than Hua Cheng’s - more broad brushstrokes of emotion and color. When Hua Cheng sees himself, he sees this:
A beloved person, kneeling on the floor of a room painted in warm, safe reds. A beloved spiritual entity, forced into quivering submission. Gore dripping down and staining the safety of the room, splashed across the beloved person and the beloved spiritual entity. And over it all, an intense, choking fear for the beloved person’s life and mind.
Xie Lian draws back, and Hua Cheng’s gaze drops to their intertwined hands. He consciously relaxes his grip until he’s not squeezing Xie Lian’s hands quite so much.
"There wasn’t that much blood," he says weakly.
"I was so scared," Xie Lian admits quietly. "San Lang, please, I don’t want you to ever do that again. Not if there’s any other way."
Hua Cheng breathes out. "Okay," he whispers. He’ll have to find some other way to punish -
"Was I right?" Xie Lian asks. "About why you did it?"
Hua Cheng grimaces. "Mostly," he says.
"What else?" Xie Lian presses.
"I deserve it," Hua Cheng admits. He hates himself for admitting it, but Xie Lian deserves answers. "When I fail you, I need to atone for it. I have to learn to do better."
"You’ve never failed me," Xie Lian says sharply. "Never."
Hua Cheng laughs. It’s a bitter sound. "I failed you today," he points out. "I didn’t get to you in time."
"Yes, you did," Xie Lian says, sounding confused. "You healed me before I even started to hurt."
"I should have stopped you from getting hurt in the first place," Hua Cheng argues.
"That’s not always possible," Xie Lian tells him.
Then Hua Cheng should make it possible.
"Anyway," Xie Lian says, obviously realizing he won’t win this argument, "shouldn’t I be the one to decide what your punishment is, if you’ve 'failed' me?"
Hua Cheng whips his head up and stares at him. He can hear the air quotes, but even then…
"Yes, Your Highness," he whispers.
Xie Lian smiles, looking self-satisfied. "Your punishment," he pronounces, "is to give E’ming a nice bath with me and apologize to him. Then, you’re going to let me cuddle you and say kind things to you and follow you around until I think you’re safe to be alone."
Hua Cheng stares, aghast.
"How’s that?" Xie Lian asks, looking a little worried. "Is that too much?"
"No, it’s perfect," Hua Cheng admits. It’ll be torture. His Highness is a genius.
Xie Lian leans forward, pressing a soft kiss to Hua Cheng’s forehead. "Okay," he says, smiling softly. "Come with me."
Hua Cheng’s eye flutters closed. "Thank you," he whispers.
"My San Lang," Xie Lian whispers back. "You’ll be okay. I’ll make sure of it."