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It was weird, coming from him.
Having him ask to hang out. He Tian wasn’t complaining, but he couldn’t help but be suspicious.
Mo wanted to take him somewhere. When he asked where, Mo had just glared and said “You’ll find out when you fuckin find out.” So He Tian had left it at that. They were going once school ended, after stopping by Mo’s apartment to pick up a few things. The day dragged on for what seemed like forever, constant chattering and minutes going by slower than He Tian’s brain could manage, but he made it to the end of the day. After picking up his backpack and running out with the teacher yelling after him, he made it to Mo’s class.
He waited outside the door until he saw students pour out into the halls, one being Mo Guanshan. He Tian walked up behind him and whispered “Hey.”
He got an elbow in the stomach for that one.
“JESUS FUCK-“ Mo half yelled as he whipped around to face the taller. “The fuck is your problem?” He growled. He Tian painfully smiled. “Could’ve started with good afternoon,” He remarked as they headed down the hall. Mo glared at him. “Likewise.” He spat as he walked ahead. He Tian laughed. “Touché.”
He Tian didn’t miss the way Mo’s ears went pink.
He kept glancing at Mo as they headed down to his place, a long walk but a nice one. He Tian didn’t mind the silence that was being shared between them, it gave him time to admire Mo quietly. As of recently, Mo had seemed more relaxed around He Tian, not as tense or on watch as he normally is. The two of them started off rough, He Tian forcing something upon them that was not yet ready to blossom, Guan Shan pushing him away despite wanting the comfort He Tian brought with him. He wished he could go back and fix what had been broken, thumb the tears away that Mo shed when he kissed him that afternoon. Now, they had slowly began meld the cracks in their relationship that were once present. Trying to help themselves as much as each other.
He Tian couldn’t be happier.
They soon got to Mo’s apartment, heading up the stairs to his door. “How are we getting there?” He Tian asked, leaning against the wall of the hallway. Mo slid the key into the door. “Taxi. Wait here.” He stated as he opened the door, sliding inside. He Tian complied and pulled out his phone to call a taxi. Just where were they going? Mo came out with two pillows and blankets in hand, and he had changed into a hoodie and sweatpants. He Tian glanced up once Mo closed the door. “I called a taxi, how far out do we have to go?” Mo looked up to him, pausing for a second, before walking down the stairs, putting his hood up. “Far.”
He Tian followed behind him.
The taxi ride was quiet, mostly consisting of exchanged glances between the two, or Mo staring out the window as He Tian watched him mindlessly. If was nice, seeing Mo look out at the buildings as they passed by the windows. He was oddly calm, brows relaxed, eyes curious. He Tian smiled affectionately, he really loved Mo. He reached out to rest his hand over the redhead’s.
Mo didn’t pull away.
They made it to the suburbs in around 40 minutes, and He Tian could feel the cold air start to nip at his nose once he left the taxi. They paid and the taxi was off. It was just the two of them now. He Tian looked across the grass land they were on, looking back at Mo when he heard him move. Mo handed him a pillow and blanket before turning down towards a pathway that lead into the grass. “Follow me, it’s just a little ways from here.” He Tian treaded behind him. “Why the suburbs?” He asked. Mo looked up at the clouds as he kept walking. “You’ll see.”
Mo’s quiet tone did not go unnoticed, in fact he had been weirdly quiet since after school. He Tian’s suspicion rose. “So far from the city, are you hiding something from me?” Mo sighed, muttering a ‘Jesus’ as he kept walking. He Tian’s eyebrows rose. “Oh boy, looks like I may be killed tonight.” He stated as he looked at a few clouds going by. Mo groaned. “Oh fuck off.” He said over his shoulder.
There was a hill they came upon, overlooking the rest of the grassy fields that encompassed them. It was accompanied by a tree, leaves discoloured and barely holding on as fall approached. He Tian followed as Mo walked up the hill, setting down his blanket and dropping his pillow to the side. He turned to face He Tian. “This is it.” He announced as he sat down on the blanket. He Tian made a sound of acknowledgment as he too sat down, tucking his pillow and blanket to the side. They sat quietly, He Tian looking out at the horizon while Mo sat crossing his legs, using his pillow to rest his chin on.
“What is this place?” He Tian questioned. Mo let out a sound of annoyance. “What does it fuckin look like-“
“To you, I mean. What is this place to you?”
Mo paused, a little dumbstruck. He turned to look back out at the sky. “It’s a place.” He Tian frowns. “Mo-“
“You don’t have to know every fucking thing-“
“Why did you bring me here?”
Mo just looked at him, eyes wide, as if caught in a trap. He Tian stared back with an earnest expression. He just wanted to understand. Mo sucked in a breath. He exhaled.
“I come here to, I don’t know, clear my head I guess.” He said. He Tian stayed quiet, a sign for him to continue. Mo turned his eyes away from him once more. “Found it when I ran away from home a few years back. “Why did you run away?” He Tian questioned. Mo tensed, before letting out a shaky breath. “My dad he… he had wrote to me from prison.” He Tian’s eyes went wide. This was new. Mo kept talking.
“My Ma hadn’t got back from work when I found the letter. First one I had ever gotten in years from the bastard. He wrote that he missed me, missed home, asked how I was doing, y’know, basic shit you say after you haven’t seen your kid in years.” He Tian could hear the sarcasm in that last sentence, but he didn’t comment. “He said that he didn’t want me seeing him for a bit, didn’t want me to see the mess he’d become. Brought me to the point of tears. I didn’t know what to fuckin do. All I knew is I didn’t want my Ma seeing me in the state I was in. I didn’t have anyone I could go to, so I took my bike and left.” He Tian was fully turned to Mo now, intent on listening to whatever he had to say.
Mo stared at the ground, face hidden by his hoodie. “I didn’t know where else to go, and I didn’t want to stay around for She Li to find my ass so-“ he exhaled sharply. “Fuck- I was a kid. I didn’t know what I was doing, I just knew I had to get away from everything. I biked until I couldn’t and ended up here. It was fuckin nice to finally relax without having to look over my shoulder all the time, so this became a bit of a safe haven for me. Been comin here ever since.”
He Tian was silent. He didn’t know what to say. Mo just opened up a painful part of his past and He Tian didn’t expect it, he really didn’t.
He knew he had a look on his face. He knew it was bad when he reached out and pulled Mo’s hood off, revealing an unreadable look. He knew that Mo saw the emotion on his face when the redhead turned to him with a face tinted with concern. Mo stilled when He Tian stroked his cheek. But he didn’t move from it either. He Tian took it as a chance to respond. “Do you hate your father?”
Mo winced a bit at that comment. He took He Tian’s hand from his cheek and set it on the ground gently. “I guess I do. He kept trying for a business that couldn’t stand. Ended up costing him big time. I don’t believe he did what they said he did, but I know damn well he wasn’t there for us as much as he could’ve been.”
He Tian hummed in response. “I get how you feel.” Mo raised his eyebrows. “Do you now?” It sounded accusatory. He Tian let out a breathy laugh. “Money doesn’t always mean the family lives happily ever after Guan Shan.”
“Better than being in a family with barely enough money to make it through the fuckin year.”
“I guess. It must be nice havin your mom though.”
Mo’s face softened at that statement. He Tian could tell Mo was curious but didn’t want to pry. He Tian didn’t like to open up about his past often, but here they were, away from the city. It couldn’t hurt to try and talk about it. He sighed, and looked away from Mo.
“My mom died when I was a kid. I don’t really remember her, but I know she wanted to make my brother and I happy. Following orders wasn’t her way of thinking. It was nice to have someone you look up to care about you, y’know?” He looked at Mo then, face twisted into one of longing. Mo looked a little startled, clearly not expecting the response that was given.
“I never thought-“
“I know what you thought. I can’t blame you. I made it seem like I had everything I could ever want. It’s what you do when you don’t have anyone to tell you what’s right and what’s not. My dad left that position a while ago.”
Mo let out a pained laugh. “Cheers to having shit ass fathers I guess.” He Tian nodded his head to the side, laughing too.
A comfortable silence settled between them once more as they watched the sky get darker and darker. He Tian felt a gust of wind pass them, flowing through their hair and jostling the grass around them.
“You never answered my question y’know.” He said, breathing in the cold air.
“What question?”
“Why you brought me here.”
Mo made a ‘hm’ sound before going to lean back on his hands. “Felt like you needed a safe haven too.”
He Tian gave him an odd look. “Why is that?”
Mo tilted his head to the side, he seemed hesitant for a moment, tossing something around in his head. “You… you seem upset at times,” he started. “Like you’re all gloomy for some fuckin reason, and try to act like everything is fine even though it isn’t.” Mo looked at him. “Just thought that you seem to be like me and don’t wanna open up about personal shit to people. Now you got a spot to go if, I don’t fuckin know, you wanna get away or something.”
He Tian, for once in his life, was a little stunned.
Mo had seen through the perfect personality he had crafted over the years, and now he had offered him a place of comfort. He sucked in a breath. Mo had always been good at noticing what others couldn’t, whether it be an uncleaned spot on the floor or an emotion that bared too much unspoken weight. The redhead should give himself more credit. He would always know if there was something going on. Whether he voiced his concern or not was his decision, but if he didn’t, he wore a look of accusation or suspicion that would not go unseen by others. He could only stare at Mo, not sure what to say back. Mo turned from him, unable to look at such a vulnerable face. He Tian smiled as he scooted closer to him, bumping his knee to Mo’s as a silent thank you.
“You always have a way with words y’know?” He Tian mentioned, leaning down to try and look at Mo. He scoffed. “Do I now.” He Tian let out a laugh at that. He was glad he could get a little humour out of Mo every one in a while. A silence fell over them as they sat in the cold, the only present sounds being the wind flowing through the grass.
“I came here not too long ago, when things were tough..”
He Tian turned to Mo’s voice. The redhead was resting his head on his knees, staring out into the field. “..with you and everything.” He finished. Tucking his head lower into his hoodie.
Talking about them was a rare thing, coming from Mo. He Tian wanted to know more.
He leaned toward Mo. “Care to explain?”
Mo looked at him like he was a dumbass before muttering a silent curse. He leaned back on his hands.
“I came here cause you were making me feel, I don’t fuckin know… confused I guess.” He turned to He Tian then, who had a silent look telling him to keep going. So he did.
“It’s weird when you start to entertain the idea of letting someone in again after spending years doing the opposite. Being closed off becomes the norm and getting close to people becomes something foreign.” Mo sighed, before resting his head in his knees. “I thought so long and hard about our situation because I didn’t know what I was feeling. I didn’t know if it was safe to open my door to you. I didn’t know if you would treat me like they did, I really didn’t…” Mo laughed. “It fucked me up inside I won’t lie, but something was telling me you were… different, that you wouldn’t hurt me, and the mere thought of that confused me even more.”
He Tian sat there, eyes wide. He Turned to look at the grass in front of him. He really didn’t know what to say. It was a lot to hear Mo say he had thought about him like that for a while. Everything was clicking in place. Mo was so aggressive towards him because he didn’t want to let him in. He wanted to paint him as a bad person so he could protect himself. It all made so much sense.
“He Tian.” Said person snapped up at that.
Mo looked to him with his eyes curious yet relaxed.
“What are we?”
He Tian sucked in a breath before exhaling, letting his fingers brush over Mo’s.
“What do you want us to be?”
“I don’t know.” There was a waver in his voice that didn’t go unnoticed.
He Tian took Mo’s hand in his, brushing his thumb over his knuckles. “We don’t have to be anything other than us.” He rested his chin on the redhead’s shoulder, looking him at him. “As long as you’re happy, I’m happy. He gives Mo’s hand a squeeze. “I couldn’t ask for anything more.”
Mo looked away, focusing on a spot on the ground. He looked shocked yet relieved. “Oh.” He mumbled. He Tian smiled before kissing Mo’s shoulder, going to rest his head there. Whether or not Mo needed to hear those words, He Tian could feel the relief flow through Mo as he let out an exhale. He Tian squeezed his hand tighter. It’s was quiet for a bit, but then there was a faint sound. Mo’s shoulders started to shake. He Tian lifted his head to peak down at Mo’s face. His eyes went wide. Mo was covering his face with his hands, but it was clear as to why he was. He Tian could see his curled frown as he tried to stay quiet. It hurt to see Mo like this. A little piece of He Tian always broke when Mo was brought to the point of tears.
“Mo.”
Hands gliding over the others hands.
“Momo, look at me.”
“He Tian.” Mo tried to pull away.
He Tian started to pull Mo’s hands away from his face.
“He Tian please-”
“Guanshan.”
He Tian cradled Mo’s face in his hands, thumbing away his tears that hand started to flow. Mo stared at him like he was going to vanish at any moment, fear present in his eyes. He Tian always felt awful every time Mo got vulnerable like this. He always looked like he was bracing himself for the worst, as if bad thing would happen if he opened up.
It hurt to know that this ideal had been burned into Mo’s head for a long while.
He Tian looked into Mo’s eyes, this time Mo looked back at him. “Hey.” He Tian whispered. “You can let it out. I’m not going anywhere, kay?”
Thats all it took for Mo to break. His frown curled downwards even more as his eyes stared to well up with thick tears. He curled in on himself, trying to hide from He Tian’s gaze. Sobs started, hidden once again by Mo’s hands. “I’m sorry.” He choked.
“I’m sorry-“
“Come here.” Mo parted his hands to see He Tian with his arms open, inviting him in. He looked so reassuring and…safe. Mo wanted to feel safe. He moved toward He Tian.
He Tian let out a sigh of relief as Mo fell into his embrace. He moved Mo’s head to his shoulder to he could hide his face. He Tian knew this whole vulnerabilities thing was a new concept to Mo, so he made sure they would take small steps into it. Mo continued to cry. He griped on to He Tian tight.
“I’m sorry for pushing you away. I just didn’t know how to be ok with it-“ he inhaled. “These feelings are so new and foreign to me-and I don’t know how to deal with them-“
“Mo it’s ok. It’s ok.” He Tian rubbed one of Mo’s shoulders to soothe him. As much as he may have disliked the long wait for their relationship to take a step forward, he couldn’t blame Mo. He never would. Not for something like this. It wasn’t Mo’s fault that he was confused and reacted the way he did. He didn’t know what else to do. From what He Tian had gathered, it was the redhead’s way of defending himself. To keep a wall up so no one could get past it and break him from the inside.
He didn’t want Mo to feel like he owed him an apology. Or owe him anything at all.
The wind nips at his nose again. Mo holds him tighter. The sobbing stops, the only thing remaining being Mo’s shaken breaths. “I never thought I would have someone that would give me this. Never even thought of it as a possibility.”
It was whispered quietly into He Tian’s neck. He Tian hears the whole thing. They say it’s the small things that speak volumes. He Tian now understands why. A sharp inhale and then he was curling around Mo even tighter, also burying his head into Mo’s neck. It took every ounce of him not to cry.
They sat like that for a while. There was an unspoken agreement that they needed this. Needed to be held by one another after spilling the truth of who they were, what they had gone through. It’s was enough for them. Two broken people couldn’t make each other whole, but they could try. And so they did.
As the sky got darker, they pulled away from each other. He Tian stared at Mo before falling forward, pressing a small kiss to Mo’s forehead. Mo silently leaned into his touch. He looked worn out from crying, his eyes puffy and red from tears shedding for an hour. He Tian pulled away from him ever so slightly to look at the redhead. He brought his hands up to Mo’s face, shielding it from the cold.
“Do you want to lie down?” He whispered into the small space between them. Mo looked past him, looking at the faint stars appearing in the sky. He scoffed. “Feel like I’m gonna pass out if I do that.” He Tian thumbed away the remaining tears on Mo’s face. “What’s so bad about that?”
“You wanna pass out in the middle of nowhere?”
“We don’t have any plans tomorrow do we?”
Mo paused at that. He sighed. “You suck.” He muttered before grabbing his pillow and moving around, going to lie down. He Tian let out a quiet laugh, grabbing his pillow and doing the same. “Guess I do.” He answered back. He grabbed the left over blanket and put it over them, blocking out the icy wind. He Tian silently thanks himself for wearing warm clothes.
They stared at each other then, a comfortable silence overtaking the two. He Tian’s eyes treaded through Mo’s features, noticing how for once, Mo didn’t look angry, he looked more relaxed, more at ease. It’s a nice look on him He Tian thought to himself. He was happy. He really was. He wanted to protect Mo forever. “Turn around.” He whispered to Mo. The redhead looked at him in confusion. “Why?”
He Tian let his hand fall on Mo’s shoulder, once again rubbing small circles into the soft hoodie. “Just trust me ok? I’m not gonna do anything weird, I promise.” He gave his shoulder a squeeze. It seemed to settle Mo.
Mo squinted at him, muttering a ’Whatever’ as he shuffled around, turning the other way.
He Tian shuffled closer to him, wrapping an arm around him slowly. He pulled Mo into his chest, curling around him as another gush of wind flew by. Mo tensed. “Get off-“ He Tian leaned closer to his ear. “There’s no one out here Mo, it’s ok.” The redhead squirmed a little more before giving up. He let out small groan. “Why do you do this.” He Tian took a deep breath and exhaled. Resting his head on top of the curve of Mo’s neck, blocked by his hood. “Cause I care about you,” he begins, “and I want you to know that I care about you.” This shut up any insult Mo had ready for him. He closed his eyes, not knowing how to respond to He Tian.
He Tian pondered whether he should say it or not. He wanted to, he really did. His heart got the better of him. He curled his arms around Mo tighter while burying his face into Mo’s hoodie.
He says it.
“I love you.”
It was quiet, said with emotion, and had the ability to put Mo into shock. His breath hitched as He Tian mumbled those words. He felt the tears start again. He wanted to tell He Tian the same thing, he just couldn’t find the words. He didn’t know if he ever would. Instead, he slid his arms over top of He Tian’s, sliding his hands through his and holding tight. He hoped it is enough.
Once He Tian felt Mo’s hands intertwine with his own, he leaned over Mo once more, looking at his face. Mo was silently letting tears fall. His eyes were shut. How the world let He Tian have this, he wouldn’t know. He didn’t deserve it. Words couldn’t describe how much he cared for Guan Shan. He leaned down and pressed a few kisses to Mo’s temple, falling back down right after. He was so glad Mo showed him this place. He was so glad Mo was in his life, and had finally let him in. He was so glad he and Mo had a place to be themselves, safe from the rest of the world. He was so, so glad.
They both shut their eyes, eventually drifting into sleep. In a few hours time, the sun would rise and the cold breeze would wake them up, and they would be tired and cold, but that didn’t matter. Right now, bundled in blankets and away from the rest of the world, they felt safe, and they were happy.