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Toge hated thinking about the last time she saw Yuuta Okkotsu.
The way she’d acted back then…
It was embarrassing to think about now.
Yuuta leaving had opened the floodgates within her; Toge hadn’t realized how numb she’d been before Yuuta came into her life, and coming to terms with the fact that she’d be leaving after only a few short months felt like an impossible task.
That was the day it truly hit her, how much it hurt to be so attached to someone else—to know them so completely and let yourself be known in return. To be so attached to that person that when they left, it felt like they were taking a part of you with them.
Toge knew pain like the back of her hand, but this—this was a type of pain that she was completely and utterly unprepared for.
She was scared to call it love, but she knew…
Love was a dangerous thing for a sorcerer. A word she could never say, out of fear of the bloodshed it might cause.
There was no space in Toge’s life for something as powerful and destructive as love.
Now that it was time for Yuuta to come back, though, Toge had to remind herself of this, and the way she’d felt back then, if only to strengthen her resolve.
The prospect of Yuuta’s return was in equal parts exciting and terrifying. Toge missed her so much, to the point where she was already dreading the possibility of ever having to miss someone like that again.
Toge knew that Yuuta’s return would bring back the emotions she’d been trying to run away from for the past year, but at the end of the day, she just wanted her best friend back.
Toge had only grown more closed-off after Yuuta left, while Yuuta had done the opposite. She had always worn her heart on her sleeve, but there was a confidence about her now that wasn’t there before—even over the phone, Toge could hear it in her voice.
Yuuta was also stronger now.
They both were.
Yuuta’s farewell had probably been one of the most dramatic moments of Toge’s life.
Toge thought she was prepared. She thought she was ready, but clearly she wasn’t, because when it was finally time for Yuuta to leave, and Toge hugged her goodbye, she had cried in Yuuta’s arms for the first time since she was a little kid, fisting her hands in the back of Yuuta’s shirt as if that would be able to keep her here.
Once she started, she couldn’t stop; the tears poured out of her uncontrollably. She did her best to muffle the sound, but Yuuta could probably feel the effects of her cursed speech.
It must have been awful.
Yuuta reacted…about as well as anyone who knew her could expect—which was to say, she reacted badly.
Her arms tightened around Toge as she boldly declared that she didn’t want to leave anymore.
“I can’t go,” she said, voice panicked. Toge could feel her heart beating faster in her chest. “Sensei, you can’t make me go. I’m not going.”
As far as Toge knew, Yuuta had never spoken to Satoru like this before.
Their teacher sighed. “Yuuta…”
“I can change my mind, right? It’s not too late!” More than anything, Yuuta sounded like she was trying to convince herself. “Sensei, please, don’t make me go.”
“Yuuta, you idiot.” Maki’s voice. “You don’t actually have a choice. Don’t you get it? They don’t trust you.”
This only made Toge cry harder, because Maki was right. Yuuta might have saved the day, but the higher-ups were still weary of her; in some ways, having Rika under her control only made Yuuta more of a threat. Sending her abroad was a good way to keep her out of trouble until things calmed down.
If Toge hadn’t been so distracted by her own feelings, she might have realized this herself.
When Satoru had first proposed the idea, Yuuta had agreed to leave the country for a year to train and get stronger. Toge never would have predicted that Yuuta’s desire for strength would be eclipsed by her desire to stay by Toge’s side.
It made it all the more painful to know this now, right before Yuuta had to leave.
While Toge made this realization, Yuuta and Maki were still arguing over her in hushed tones.
“You’re making this harder for her,” Maki hissed.
“No, I’m trying to fix this.”
“You can’t!”
Toge couldn’t bear it. She slowly loosened her death grip on Yuuta’s shirt and took a step back, out of Yuuta’s arms. She wiped her eyes and desperately tried to regain some composure.
Toge wanted to say Yuuta’s name one last time before she left, but she knew she would choke on it now.
She hardly ever got to say the things really wanted to, and this wasn’t any different. The person who understood her the most was leaving, and Toge had to let her go.
She couldn’t speak, so she signed, “Goodbye, Yuuta.”
Yuuta wasn’t an expert in sign language, but she knew that much; she looked heartbroken. “What?”
“Stay safe, please.”
Yuuta closed the gap between them, and put both hands on Toge’s face, tilting her head up so that they were looking into each other’s eyes. This close, she could see the different shades of blue in Yuuta’s eyes, and feel the sheer intensity of her gaze whenever she was in a mood like this—it was a different feeling entirely, Toge realized, to have it directed at her. “Toge,” she whispered. “Are you sure?”
It wasn’t fair of Yuuta to put the burden of this decision on Toge when it wasn’t really a decision at all.
Still, Toge forgave her instantly, because Toge knew Yuuta.
Yuuta wasn’t perfect. Sometimes she had trouble seeing the bigger picture, distracted by what was right in front of her. Yuuta always put others first, without thinking or hesitating. It was only at times like this, when shades of black and white turned to gray, that things occasionally got messy.
What choice did Toge have, really? How could she make Yuuta stay and be the reason behind the higher-ups making her life a living hell?
She wouldn’t do it.
Yuuta’s question, “Are you sure?” echoed in her mind.
Toge was. She had to be. As much as she hated this, it was the best way to keep Yuuta safe.
So Toge nodded her head, yes, and that was her final answer.
Yuuta accepted it, burying her face in Toge’s neck. “Toge, I—” She broke off, taking a shaky breath in, and out. “I’m gonna miss you. So much.”
Toge tightened her hold on Yuuta to tell her that she felt the same way. Yuuta always understood.
With that, they separated. There was nothing else to do or say.
Toge let go of the girl she loved, and then she took her broken heart and devoted herself to surrounding it with armor that hopefully wouldn’t ever break.
***
Toge spent the upcoming weeks before Yuuta’s return preparing herself for how it would go down.
It hadn’t worked last time, but this time, it would be different.
An entire year had passed. It was the longest year of her life, but it was finally coming to an end.
This time, Toge would keep her cool. There would be no tears. She would hug Yuuta, but she wouldn’t let herself hold onto Yuuta so tightly that she could never leave again—
Even if that was all she really wanted to do.
It was just that every time Toge thought about what it would be like to have Yuuta standing in front of her again, her thoughts got a little fuzzy. It was overwhelming to think about.
She knew from their FaceTime calls that Yuuta looked a little different. She looked healthier now, even though she still had dark circles under her eyes (Toge once made a comment about how she thought Yuuta pulled it off, and Maki looked at her like she was crazy). Yuuta had also grown out her hair; she wore it up a lot of the time now, with the shorter strands loose and framing her face.
Toge had grown her hair as well, and she had bangs now; she had done it on a whim, but Yuuta told her that she liked them, and Toge had kept them.
All the changes from the past year were running through her mind. Yuuta would be arriving at any moment now, and Toge was desperately trying to be normal about it.
“You’re gonna pass out if you keep your knees locked like that,” Maki said from beside her. “Loosen up, would you?”
Toge rolled her eyes. “I’m not gonna pass out,” she signed, but made an effort to bend her knees anyway.
She wasn’t tense, she was just—
Was Toge nervous? She had to pull herself together, but it was easier said than done. As soon as Toge saw Ijichi’s car pull up in the driveway, Toge felt her heart rate spike.
She had thought about this, and she decided that she would not be running up to meet Yuuta as she soon got out of the car. Now, Toge felt stupid for even thinking she would be able to do such a thing.
Because when Toge saw Yuuta, she stood frozen, rooted to the spot.
Maybe Maki was right; Toge felt like she could pass out at any moment. Her heartbeat was a lost cause, and her thoughts kept stalling on the same thing:
Did Yuuta get…taller?
How was that even possible?! Toge had been the same size since she was fifteen. She didn’t think girls normally grew that much in high school, but it wasn’t unheard of.
And the proof was standing right in front of her.
Actually, the proof was running to her, and before she knew it, Toge was being lifted in the air and spun around in circles while Yuuta rambled on in a stream of, “Toge, I missed you so much, I can’t believe it, you’re here —” and Toge couldn’t help but laugh out of sheer happiness, because Yuuta finally, finally came back.
The all-consuming sense of relief Toge felt was making her head spin. It would have been enough to knock her off her feet, but Yuuta had already done that
This time, it was Yuuta who cried as she held onto Toge for dear life. It felt like things were finally returning to their natural order. Yuuta was a total crybaby, and her goodbye had been an outlier where their roles had reversed.
It didn’t seem like Yuuta would be letting go any time soon, so Toge wrapped her legs around her so Yuuta would have an easier hold. They fit together perfectly, it seemed, despite the fact that they had never done this before.
A lot more had changed than Toge realized, and now Yuuta was holding her like it was nothing, and all Toge could do was hold on just as tight.
“Did they forget we were here, or…?”
“Shh, it’s cute!”
“I did not expect this from Okkotsu-senpai.”
Oh, shit. Their underclassmen were there.
And Toge had forgotten that they were there. She felt her face flush, but Yuuta, on the other hand, didn’t even seem embarrassed. While Toge hid her face in Yuuta’s shoulder, Yuuta poked out her head to address them.
“Oh, you all must be the first years! It’s nice to finally meet you two, and Megumi, it’s nice to see you again!”
Was she not going to put Toge down?
Toge sighed. Maki would never let them live this down.
All it took were two quick pats on Yuuta’s back, and Yuuta knew what to do (Toge had missed that a lot). She gently let Toge down, and then went to hug Maki, but was instead trapped in a headlock while Maki berated her for having the audacity to grow any taller.
“What were they feeding you over there, holy shit,” Maki was saying, while Toge simply tried not to think about the fact that Yuuta hadn’t just gotten taller, she had also filled out, no longer the thin, awkward girl that Toge had met when she first came to Jujutsu Tech.
A lot had changed, but one thing was painfully certain:
Toge was still in love with her.
***
Weeks had gone by, and Toge was still getting used to Yuuta being back.
Strange things kept happening. Not necessarily bad things, but things that were a little out of the ordinary.
Yuuta just kept on surprising her, and Toge didn’t know what to do about it.
For one, Yuuta had been practicing sign language for the last year, and she was fully fluent now. If Satoru, Maki, or Panda weren’t in a room, they could have entire conversations without anyone else being able to understand them.
So not only was Yuuta fluent, but she was signing to Toge all the time.
This was new, and it only made Toge like her even more. The fact that Yuuta had gone to such lengths on her own, just to talk to her?
No one had ever done anything like that for Toge before.
And another thing—Toge was still getting used to Yuuta’s newfound confidence. Yuuta could never be arrogant, but for those who didn’t know her as well as Toge did, she could come across as intimidating.
Toge had no idea how this had happened, but for some reason, one of the first years, Yuuji, was now terrified of Yuuta.
Toge had been noticing it ever since her mission with Yuuji the previous week. She normally had such a carefree personality, but the moment Yuuta walked into the room, Yuuji would trip over herself trying to show Yuuta the utmost respect. It was entertaining, but it seemed completely unnecessary
When Toge finally asked Megumi about it, all she got was an eye-roll and a vague response about Yuuta being ‘overprotective’.
Toge thought it was strange. Who would Yuuta have to be overprotective of?
***
Their first mission Toge went on with Yuuta since she’d returned was in a crowded part of Tokyo. The apartment complex and its surrounding area had been evacuated, but first, they still had to make it through the crowded streets to get there.
Crowds put Yuuta on edge, and Toge was nervous just thinking about the amount of property damage they were probably about to cause. Toge could bring down a building with one or two words, but she got no joy out of it. Yuuta probably felt the same.
Toge was more than a little distracted, so when a random passerby pushed by her, putting a hand on her waist in the process, Toge flinched and made a sound in the back of her throat loud enough that a few people jolted. Confused, but unharmed, they continued walking after a second, but Toge froze.
Relief flooded through her; Toge gave herself a moment to close her eyes and allow her heart rate to slow down.
When she opened them, she saw Yuuta shove the man up against the nearest wall. “Keep your disgusting hands to yourself,” she said, voice dangerously low. “Fucking creep.”
With that, she let go of his shoulders with enough force to send him stumbling before he took off running in the opposite direction.
Toge blinked a few times, trying to process what she just saw.
What the hell was that?
Did Yuuta just...try to protect her honor?
Toge’s heart was now beating out of her chest for another reason entirely.
“Sorry about that,” Yuuta said, breathing hard. Then she finally looked at Toge and smiled, a little apologetic. “Are you okay?”
Toge nodded, dazed.
Before she went to put her arm around her, Yuuta asked, “Is this okay?”
Toge nodded and leaned into her touch.
“Are you good to go? I think we’re almost there.”
Needless to say, they tore through the curse in less than an hour, and no one’s apartment was damaged too much in the process. Toge barely even had to use her cursed speech, and she came out of the fight with hardly a scratch on her body.
Yuuta had a small cut on her temple that was bleeding down the side of her face; she wiped off the blood with a smile. Then she brought her arms over her head in a stretch and Toge quickly averted her eyes when she saw her shirt ride up.
Toge has never seen someone’s vibe swing so wildly between intense and casual before. Only Yuuta…
“Ah, I feel so much better!” Yuuta exclaimed. “Wanna stop for food on the way home? That onigiri place you like isn’t too far from here. What was it called again? Onigiri Miya?”
***
As more time passed, they eventually settled into a routine, almost similar to last year’s. They were busy a lot of the time, which was rough, but it was nothing out of the ordinary for sorcerers living in Tokyo.
The weather grew colder as the season changed from fall to winter, and just like clockwork, one day Yuuta came back from a mission sniffling and complaining about a headache.
Toge told herself that she would look after her normally, help her out just like any friend would, but one thing led to another, and now she had Yuuta’s head in her lap.
It was just that Yuuta couldn’t sleep, and Toge was trying to soothe her by running her hands through her hair—which usually worked, but Yuuta was pretty miserable right now.
She was running a fever, and the medicine Toge had given her either hadn’t kicked in yet or wasn’t working at all; Toge really hoped it was the former.
“I missed you,” Yuuta whispered.
Toge continued to card her hands through her hair and hoped the sentiment of “me too” carried over; they had barely seen each other in the past week.
Yuuta’s face twisted.
Uh-oh.
“I missed you so much, Toge, you don’t even know—”
Every once in a while, when Yuuta was extremely sleep-deprived, she would get so upset that she would just burst into tears.
Sure enough, Yuuta’s breath hitched, and she rolled over to cry into Toge’s shirt. “I missed you so much—and now—” her voice broke, “—and now I’m scared of messing everything up.”
“Okaka,” Toge said, trying to soothe her even though she had no idea what Yuuta was talking about. She just rubbed Yuuta’s back until she was calm enough to move.
Toge helped her up and they walked to the dorms with their arms around each other. When they were about to pass Toge’s room, Yuuta stopped in her tracks, her hand tugging on the back of Toge’s shirt.
Well, that worked too.
They settled into Toge’s bed, as if it hadn’t been over a year since they’d done this, and Yuuta fell asleep surprisingly quickly, curled into Toge’s chest.
Toge would never even think about letting anyone else do this. Her shirt was already covered in Yuuta’s snot, and Yuuta was definitely going to sweat through Toge’s sheets, and Toge probably should be grossed out, but somehow she wasn’t.
After all, she trusted Yuuta, and Yuuta trusted her, and that was that.
People liked to treat Yuuta like she was invincible, but underneath her incredible strength, she was a girl who had been through a lot and needed a little extra care sometimes.
And Toge really, really wanted to be the one to give it to her.
***
The more Toge thought about it, the more she wondered what Yuuta was scared of. Deep down in the confines of her heart, buried underneath the armor she’d built up over the past year, she secretly wondered if it was the same thing Toge was afraid of herself.
It was wishful thinking, she knew, but still, the thought bounced around her head most nights before she fell asleep, because didn’t it make sense? It would explain some of Yuuta’s behavior recently, and then there’s the fact that, after Rika, of course Yuuta would be scared…
Of what, love?
Toge really shouldn’t be analyzing a vague comment Yuuta made when she was feverish and sleep-deprived, but she couldn’t get it out of her mind.
She rolled over to check her phone and winced; it was past two in the morning. She always told Yuuta not to check her phone in the middle of the night, yet here she was, doing it herself.
Last year, in the weeks leading up to Yuuta’s departure, they would sometimes go to each other in the middle of the night when one of them couldn’t sleep. If things were the same now…
Toge’s door creaked open.
“Toge?” Yuuta whispered. “Are you still awake?”
Yuuta always had a knack for showing up just in time.
“Shake.” Toge sat up in bed, and Yuuta sat down with her arms wrapped around her knees, pressed to her chest; Toge had no idea why she liked sitting like that, but she thought it was kinda cute.
“You can’t sleep either, huh?” Yuuta asked, and Toge nodded. “I just can’t stop thinking…”
That was nothing new. At night, Yuuta’s thoughts had a tendency to run wild, much more than Toge would probably ever know, even after Yuuta had tried to explain it to her.
It was a little too dark to sign, so Toge just tilted her head to the side, prompting Yuuta to explain.
Yuuta went quiet, though, when her eyes found Toge’s.
The moon was out tonight, and its soft light was streaming through Toge’s window, making Yuuta’s features visible in the dark.
Why did this feel like it was the most intense eye contact Toge’s ever experienced? She couldn’t look away.
“I feel like we keep missing each other,” Yuuta whispered. “But I can’t stand being apart from you, even for a second. Is that crazy?”
Maybe it would be crazy if Toge didn’t feel the exact same way. At some point, Toge had to give in and acknowledge this want inside of her before it manifested into something ugly, like resentment or regret.
If love was a dangerous curse, maybe it wasn’t something to control or defeat. Maybe it was something to be cherished, something delicate to hold in the palm of your hand.
For Toge, when she wasn’t on the battlefield, actions would always speak louder than words. She leaned in and pressed her forehead against Yuuta’s.
I’m right here.
The rest is up to you.
Yuuta’s breath hitched. She hadn’t been expecting that, and Toge couldn’t really blame her. Toge’s been hesitant, careful, ever since Yuuta got back.
Yuuta’s hand came up to tuck a strand of Toge’s hair behind her ear, and it stayed there.
“Toge,” Yuuta said. “Can I?”
Yes.
Toge answered her with a kiss.
It was soft, gentle, and sweet. She pulled back, taking in the dazed look on Yuuta’s face. Her eyes were wide open, blue like the depths of the ocean. Toge wasn’t as afraid of drowning as she used to be.
She smiled as she watched Yuuta blink, slowly coming back to herself. When she finally did, the hand still in Toge’s hair twitched, and Yuuta brought her other hand to the back of Toge’s neck.
“Come here,” she said, voice low. Toge felt the words like a shock wave through her system nonetheless, even without any cursed energy behind them.
She leaned in, meeting Yuuta in the middle, and this time, it wasn’t so gentle. With each kiss, it felt like they were making up for lost time.
I missed you.
Yuuta’s hands were on her waist, her hips, all over, like she was trying to memorize the feel of her; it sent shivers down Toge’s spine.
I love you.
Toge’s heart felt so full of emotion, she wondered if it was going to burst.
Don’t you dare leave me again.
So much was said between them without words, and Toge loved the feeling of being truly understood.
She never, ever thought she would get to have this.
But Yuuta was right here, holding out her own bleeding heart, giving it to Toge to look after, and Toge found herself doing the same.
They were two very different people, but in matters of the heart, they were strikingly similar. Once they took the leap, neither of them held back; they would give each other everything they had.
After a while, when they were finally ready to get some sleep, Yuuta wrapped her arms around Toge and tucked her against her chest.
For the first time in over a year, Toge whispered Yuuta’s name, directly above her heart. She almost thought she felt it skip a beat. Maybe she had held off until now because there was no way to hide her true feelings when she said Yuuta’s name; but she didn’t need to worry about that, not anymore.
Toge looked back up at Yuuta, just so she could see the smile spread across her face. In the soft glow of dawn shining through the window, Yuuta looked so beautiful.
She kissed Toge on the forehead and said, “Goodnight, darling.”
Toge slept soundly, and when she woke up the next morning, with Yuuta sleeping beside her, she smiled to herself.
She was finally home.