Chapter Text
1.
“Soulmates are worthless.”
Mafuyu is five when she hears that phrase uttered for the very first time. After she’s assigned to write about what she hopes her soulmate will be like.
Her mom towers over her. “Your dad and I aren’t soulmates, and we get along perfectly.”
Didn’t everyone want to be with their soulmate? Her teacher said so and all of her classmates were really excited about meeting theirs!
“But what about your soulmate?” Mafuyu asks innocently.
Her mom takes a step towards Mafuyu. “Are you unhappy with what your dad and I have given you?”
Seeing the look on her mom's face, Mafuyu backs away a little. "N-no. I love Mom and Dad," Mafuyu tries to placate.
Her mom's face softens. “Your dad offers me much more than my soulmate ever could."
And even though her mom says everything in a sweet tone, Mafuyu flinches. She looks down at her feet before speaking up again, "But…what about the colors? Aren't they pretty?"
"They do make life a little more interesting,” her mom muses, "And your job opportunities would increase if you can see colors."
Mafuyu relaxes her shoulders and smiles, “Then..?”
Her mom crouches down and smiles at her, “So Mafuyu, my sweet child, it’s alright to meet your soulmate, but don’t think of something as silly as staying with them.”
“O-okay,” Mafuyu stutters.
Her mom places her hands on Mafuyu’s shoulders. “Promise me, Mafuyu. That even if everyone else around you says these lies about soulmates, that you won’t fall into the same trap.”
Mafuyu suddenly feels cold, but she doesn’t want to disappoint her mom – her mom knows what’s best.
“Mafuyu?” Her mom squeezes her shoulders tightly, painfully.
Mafuyu winces.
“I-I won’t,” Mafuyu promises, clutching her assignment closer to her chest.
Her mom lets her go and pats Mafuyu on the head. “Good girl.”
Mafuyu shuffles her feet. “Um…what should I write for my homework?”
Her mom lets out a quiet laugh, “Write that you want him to be smart and handsome.”
Mafuyu nods.
2.
It's sickening.
Mafuyu holds her mom's words to heart, but everyone else parades around soulmates. She can't escape it – between her classmates chattering and speculating about their soulmates to even the advertisements in the daily newspaper about soulmate sightings. The latest one mentioned a man at Shibuya Crossing at 6:47 p.m. when he first started seeing colors, and to please contact him if they were there and also began seeing colors then.
Mafuyu shrugs a shoulder, readjusting her backpack as she continues to walk down her school's hallway.
The subject of soulmates isn't even particularly interesting or varied. Everyone is excited to meet their soulmate. There are a few that are anxious, and Mafuyu privately agrees that they should be, despite all the clamor that soulmates are fated to suit each other perfectly.
Her parents are proof after all, and Mafuyu has seen the research.
There are case studies where someone isn't born with a soulmate, and instead are born seeing color. While heavily taboo, there are also soulmate pairs who break up and never see each other again. It's few and far in-between, but the system isn't perfect – for all that the mysterious phenomenon is decided by "fate". People just liked to believe it was.
And soulmates disgust her – otherwise why would Mafuyu's stomach lurch every time she thinks about them?
Something collides into Mafuyu's side, and she can hear several items scatter across the hallway.
Mafuyu turns around, a look of concern plastered on her face.
"A-asahina! I'm so sorry!" a student apologizes.
Mafuyu lightly chuckles, "I'm alright. More importantly, are you okay?"
"Yes, but…" Her underclassman's gaze scans the ground around her despairingly.
Before Mafuyu can offer her own help, another student darts in, collecting the dropped items.
The student turns to her new helper, "Oh, thank y–"
Both of her underclassmen gasp at the same time, the held items clattering to the ground once again.
"I–"
"You–"
The two girls almost lunge at each other to hug the other.
"This is the best day of my life!"
"I can't believe I finally met you!"
The pair continue to celebrate, squealing about how they're so happy about finding each other and attracting a crowd.
How troublesome.
Quirking her lips into a smile, Mafuyu walks up to the new soulmate pair. "Congratulations!"
"Oh, Asahina! Thank you for your blessing!"
The other girl looks at her abashedly, "I want to say I'm sorry for bumping into you but…"
Mafuyu stretches her mouth into a smile, "It's okay, I understand. I'm happy that you could meet your soulmate through me."
"Thanks, Asahina!"
"We also hope you find your soulmate soon!"
Mafuyu dips her head respectfully before excusing herself to the bathroom. The nausea is overwhelming and Mafuyu wants to throw up.
I shouldn't have accepted that cookie earlier.
Running the sink, Mafuyu splashes water on her face, the cold liquid shocking her senses back into the present.
Everyone makes a huge fuss about soulmates. How they're everything, how their life has completely changed after being their soulmate.
Mafuyu knows it's all talk – she's seen plenty of soulmate pairs fight over meaningless things. How people seem to lose all sense of reason over their soulmate, willing to change their entire life trajectory at the disagreement of their soulmate.
It's ridiculous.
Mafuyu can't imagine deciding to give up on being a doctor simply because her soulmate disapproved.
Staring at her reflection in the mirror, she lets her mask drop ever so slightly.
"I don't need a soulmate," Mafuyu murmurs under her breath.
The blaring silence bouncing off of cold tiles only confirms her words.
–
The next time Mafuyu sees the pair, they're arguing. Loud angry voices echo down the hallway.
Mafuyu tells her mom about it later that day.
Her mom smiles. "Mafuyu is such a good girl, you always make me very happy."
Mafuyu feels cold.
3.
Her eyes open to a strange, but comforting place. Her SEKAI, a place of rest.
“Miku?” Mafuyu whispers, voice still sleep hoarse.
“Yes, Mafuyu?” Miku dips her head to look at her.
Mafuyu adjusts her head on Miku’s lap. “Do Vocaloids have a soulmate?”
“...I’m not sure. What is a ‘soulmate’?” Miku tilts her head.
“Everyone says that soulmates are people you’re destined to be with together,” Mafuyu starts.
“Destined?”
Mafuyu’s breath hitches, “Yes, destined. You’re fated to meet them and supposedly they're the person who will make you feel complete.”
"If Mafuyu hasn't found her soulmate yet, then does that mean…?"
Mafuyu bites her lip before speaking in a low voice, "Finding my soulmate wouldn't fix anything."
If Mafuyu is completely hollow, how could a soulmate make her feel whole? At best, a soulmate would fill in half – but half did not mean complete.
“Then how would I find my soulmate?” Miku asks.
“...There isn’t a way. The only indication is that you'll see colors afterwards,” Mafuyu explains.
“See colors? I don’t quite understand…” Miku trails off.
Mafuyu lifts her hand to bring her hair scrunchie in Miku’s line of sight. “I’ve been told by some of my classmates that this is ‘orange’. Since I haven’t met my soulmate, everything I see falls between white, gray, and black.”
Miku glances back and forth from her scrunchie to the rest of the SEKAI. “I think… I can see the colors that Mafuyu is talking about.”
“If that’s the case… Miku probably doesn’t have a soulmate. How lucky,” Mafuyu comments, dropping her wrist.
Miku looks away. “I think it would be nice to have a soulmate.”
“Why?”
“Because…I would like to have someone else here,” Miku says.
A feeling of tightness rises in Mafuyu's chest, but she parrots, “You don’t need a soulmate for that. Friends are sufficient.”
Miku closes her eyes, laying a hand over her heart. “But… it gives me a warm feeling here to know that someone will be with me forever.”
Mafuyu averts her eyes. “You said this place was made out of my feelings? If so… then I'm responsible for all of this.”
“Ah. It’s okay. I like having Mafuyu here with me,” Miku replies.
Seconds tick by before Mafuyu exhales. “Soulmates aren’t everything. People think that soulmates mean forever, but my parents aren’t soulmates.”
“Oh.”
"They're happier that way. My mom said so," Mafuyu elaborates.
"Then… what happened to your parents' soulmates?"
Mafuyu's voice drops to a low whisper, "I don't know but…"
I exist because of them. Can something complete be born from the incomplete?
“Mafuyu?” Miku prompts.
Mafuyu doesn’t look at Miku. “...It’s nothing.”
There's no response from Miku, but Mafuyu prefers this silence.
Turning back to face the vocaloid, Mafuyu asks, "Miku…can you sing for me?"
Miku nods.
K's song echoes throughout the SEKAI, in all of its hollow glory.
The lonely notes make Mafuyu's chest feel tight. Sometimes, if Mafuyu closes her eyes, she'll dream of light.
4.
Mafuyu is tired. Nothing has changed. Nothing will change.
If that's the case, then Mafuyu wants to disappear.
What was the point of continuing? It's all meaningless.
Mafuyu has tried everything. She followed the trail that was K's music, clung to it hoping that she could feel a little bit more whole, a little more substantial.
But no matter how much music she made with Niigo, Mafuyu remained the same.
Then she tried making her own music. And even though OWN's music became wildly popular, it doesn't mean anything to her.
After all, the admiration directed towards Mafuyu isn't going to help her find herself.
At the very least, Mafuyu wants her end to be here. There must be some irony in disappearing in a world born from your own heart – but Mafuyu can’t find any.
A disturbance cuts through her peace, like a rock rudely smashing into a tranquil pond.
Mafuyu hears familiar voices in the distance.
There shouldn't be anyone else here.
"Miku…who is in the SEKAI right now?" Mafuyu queries.
Miku tilts her head to listen to the distant voices, "I'm not certain but… they share your feelings."
"I don't want them here," Mafuyu states.
"Let's go see who is here first," Miku requests.
"Very well."
The pair travel towards the source of the commotion.
"–after all this time? I can't believe it!" a dark haired girl exclaims.
"Well, it's your fault for not meeting me sooner!" a taller light haired girl retorts.
The girl – Enanan, if Mafuyu had to guess – crosses her arms. "Hmph. I'm the one that's worse off! Do you know what I've had to put up with from my dad?!"
Mafuyu steps forward, "Leave this place, now."
"I'm – oh hey!" the girl Mafuyu presumes is Amia calls out to her, "You must be Yuki! We've been looking for you!"
Feeling three pairs of eyes rest on her, Mafuyu replies in a monotone, "You're all too noisy and annoying."
"Amia, there's no way that's Yuki," Enanan chimes in.
A quiet voice rings out from a white haired girl, "No, I agree with Amia. She is Yuki."
Mafuyu turns to rest her gaze on K for the very first time.
Their eyes meet.
There's no fanfare, no explosion of excitement. But when Mafuyu blinks, the world has shifted.
It's different.
She finally sees the colors – it had to be colors there was no alternative explanation – that people have been talking about.
The change is drastic enough that it takes her breath away.
So that's what it's like.
Mafuyu laughs. The sound reverberates through her empty world.
This is it.
Everything is different.
And yet she feels no different.
This is all there is.
She's still Mafuyu Asahina, a shadow of a shadow pretending to be a girl.
Isn’t it so ironic? So utterly tragic?
Not even my soulmate can save me.
“Thank you, K, for confirming my decision," Mafuyu hears herself say.
“Then..?” K prompts, confused.
Even the newfound colors Mafuyu can see don't make her feel anything. K's eyes and tracksuit only stand out more than they did before. But that is merely due to novelty.
In time, everything will fade into gray.
"Soulmates are truly worthless," Mafuyu's lips contort into a mocking smile.
Mafuyu can see the exact moment her words sink in, with K's eyes going wide and panicked.
K takes a step towards her. "Yuki, I–"
"Miku, remove them from my SEKAI. Starting with K," Mafuyu orders.
"Wait–!" K pleads, trying to reach Mafuyu.
Miku moves to stand in K’s way. "I'm sorry." The Vocaloid gently taps K's trembling arm, causing the white haired girl to disappear.
"That does it, Yuki!" Enanan spits out, breaking free from Amia's grip and rushing towards her.
Miku intercepts her, touching Enanan's shoulder in passing. Enanan similarly disappears with a cry of dismay.
There's only one person left. But it doesn't appear as if Amia is making any sort of move.
"Aren't you going to resist too?" Mafuyu questions.
Amia looks down, a smile adorning her face. "Is living really that bad? Is there nothing else?"
"You should know the best out of the others. After all, we're the most alike," Mafuyu comments.
"Give us a chance, Yuki," Amia says softly.
Mafuyu expels a breath through her nose, "How can a group of people who equally want to disappear help me?"
Amia's head shoots up to look at her, mouth agape. "Yuki–"
"Make her leave, Miku," Mafuyu commands.
With a noise of protest from Amia, the last intruder is finally expelled from her SEKAI.
Mafuyu turns away from the scene – she has her answer now.
If Mafuyu can't find herself, if she can’t feel something other than this hollow nothingness – so be it.
Let me disappear here, in this world where even color doesn't exist.
5.
This SEKAI reflects her heart.
Her heart still has nothing.
It's been several days since Mafuyu can see color, can see the 'orange' on her scrunchie, and can see how Miku's eyes differed more than Mafuyu is used to.
Her medical study guides are easier to read through now too, just like her mom said they would be.
Mafuyu has even googled what people should go see when they first find their soulmate, and taken some of their suggestions, hoping to feel something different. She's seen how the sky is an expanse of blue, but sometimes changes to oranges and pinks, how everyone is surrounded by green on a daily basis.
But it doesn't matter. None of it does.
Because her SEKAI, her feelings are still gray. Still colorless and lifeless.
Is it because she was born from a non-soulmate pair?
Part of Mafuyu had wanted to hold on just a bit longer. To hold on until she had met her soulmate because maybe they could change something.
What a foolish notion.
If her preordained person –K– couldn’t do anything for Mafuyu, then who could? Perhaps the feelings she experienced when she listened to K’s songs for the first time was a fluke, magnified by their soulmate bond.
But it isn’t enough. It’s not nearly enough.
Mafuyu has exhausted all options. She's tried composing more songs as OWN to no avail. All it does is provide a temporary sense of relief, which then only worsens her feeling of hollowness. The more Mafuyu resists, the worse she feels.
If Mafuyu gives up this whole charade, she wonders if the end will at least come quietly.
"Mafuyu…" Miku calls out softly.
She turns to face the Vocaloid. "Haven't I done enough?"
"Are you sure these are your real feelings?" Miku asks.
"...They're the only feelings I have."
"There's nothing else?" Miku prompts.
Mafuyu's fist clenches. "I've confirmed it myself. It's not possible to find myself. I followed a lead for over a year, thinking I would learn something – but I never did."
Miku drops her gaze to the ground.
Mafuyu takes a breath before continuing. "Then I left to compose as OWN. Nothing changed. What do you want me to do now? What's the point of continuing?"
Miku makes eye contact and opens her mouth to speak.
A flash of light and colors distract both of them. Mafuyu can make out three silhouettes. "I thought I made it clear I didn't want anyone here."
K appears to be unperturbed by her statement and replies, "You're wrong."
"How am I wrong? Or is it that you want to stay by my side?" Mafuyu mocks, her lips twisting into a smile.
K doesn't flinch, and keeps walking towards her.
Mafuyu continues, "You think you can change me, save me just because you're my soulmate? Don't be so ridiculous."
Enanan moves to lunge at Mafuyu, but Amia holds out an arm to block her.
"Yuki," K looks directly into Mafuyu's eyes.
Mafuyu tilts her head. "What is it?"
"I won't lie and say I'm not doing this because we're soulmates, but… I'm also doing this because I care about the person who made music with me all this time," K says softly.
Mafuyu steps back from K. She feels numb. "That wasn't even the real me."
"Maybe you were still putting on an act but… can you honestly say all of it was a lie?" K asks.
Of course it's all an act. Mafuyu has no substance so being anything would qualify as an act. "That's because–!"
"Miku told me. This SEKAI is yours, and the only thing here was my song," K says, stepping forward and taking Mafuyu's hands.
Mafuyu feels her hands trembling in K's own.
Everything is so unfair, so messy – Mafuyu can't even tell what she's feeling anymore.
"Let me try, Yuki. Please give me a chance," K pleads.
"My mom would never approve," Mafuyu states, pulling back.
But Kanade doesn't let her go.
"We… don't have to be together…or become anything," Kanade looks away, "But let me try to save you."
Mafuyu wants this, wants to hope, but could she really believe?
Mafuyu seethes, "What makes you think you even can ? You haven't been able so far–"
"Because I'll keep composing until I do. We have the rest of our lives," K retorts.
"So you'd turn this precious soulmate bond into a shackle for yourself? You'd turn something you've always dreamed of into a curse?" Mafuyu says unbelievingly.
K still looks at Mafuyu straight on, unflinching, "If that's what it takes, yes."
"How–" Mafuyu's voice cracks, "How can you say that so easily? It doesn't…"
Mafuyu's arms go limp and she drops her head on K's shoulder, sobbing.
She feels warm arms loop around her.
And for once, Mafuyu thinks that maybe, just maybe, it's okay to have something incomplete than nothing at all.
Mafuyu still doesn't know if soulmates have any value, but she's willing to try.