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I’m drowning.
It’s the only thing I can think of; it’s what it feels like.
Waves and waves of sadness and disappointment and nothing crashing into me, over and over and over again.
I can’t breathe. Tears pricking at the back of my eyes. It hurts. Both physically and emotionally. I take a deep breath and hate myself for not being strong enough to stop it, to endure it, to do something about it.
There’s something wrong with me.
It’s dark. Inside and outside. The moon is staring at me from outside the window, mocking me. Taunting me.
It feels like someone has taken my heart in their hands and is squeezing it. No, wringing it out mercilessly.
It hurts.
It’s dark, and I’ve never felt more like an insignificant speck on this Earth. I’m alone. I’m all alone.
Something is wrong with me.
“Unnie?”
A dim light, a lamp flickering on. It’s bright. My eyes hurt. They shouldn’t hurt this much.
I shouldn’t be hurting this much.
Right?
It’s stupid. I’m stupid.
“Jisoo unnie?”
I close my aching eyes and will myself to pass off as half-okay and asleep. It’s not fair to burden you with my problems. I shouldn’t burden anyone. I am a burden.
The hands squeeze harder.
“Unnie, I know you’re awake.”
No, I’m not. Go back to sleep. Please. Plea-
A soft weight settles beside me. The bed shifts. You’re warm. My heart hurts as much as my eyes. I don’t want you to be here. I don’t want you to know my issues. I’m supposed to be the strong one; I’m meant to protect you.
That turned out fucking well, didn’t it.
“Chaeyoung, go back to sleep.”
My voice sounds as fatigued and broken as I am. I curse myself for it.
Screw you, Jisoo. Can’t even pretend to be fine for a few minutes.
There is something wrong with me.
“Are you okay?”
Your voice is soft, gentle, warm. It makes the hands on my heart stop squeezing for a second and the relief is so crushing it floods into every part of me and fills my eyes with hot tears.
A tear slips out of my eye and plops onto the light purple blanket you’ve snuggled under.
Stupid Jisoo.
“You’re crying,”
I’m sorry, Chaeng. I’m sorry I’m such a burden. I’m sorry I failed as your unnie. I love you. Please forgive me. Please…
“Don’t cry.”
You pull my head to your chest and stroke my hair. Sweet, sweet relief. You smell like vanilla and your strawberry mint shampoo and everything nice and pretty and you’re comfort and I love you.
The tears fall from my eyes, one two three.
Four five six seven eight
“I- I’m sorry.”
They’re the only words I can choke out through my sobs, something is wrong with me and I know it and now you know it too.
I need you.
Please don’t let go of me.
I want you to hold me forever.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
There is so much that I want to say but all that comes out of my mouth is “I’m sorry”.
Pathetic.
I will the voice in my head away. Haven’t you done enough? Go away. Get the hell out of my brain!
Please. I’m begging you.
Please make it stop.
You press a kiss to my forehead and a million butterflies explode in my stomach. “I got you. You’re safe now. You’re okay.”
If there’s anyone I don’t want to look fragile in front of, it’s you. But you’re holding me and reassuring me that things will get better and the waves are rolling in, even higher than before, crashing into the rocks on the shore and I don’t deserve this but I want it, I want you.
Tears roll down my cheeks and I must look absolutely stupid and weak and pathetic. You don’t say anything; you reach up and wipe my tears away with your thumb.
The tears don’t stop. You don’t stop either.
You are stronger than the darkness inside of me. You are my anchor.
I have stopped drowning and the darkness doesn’t seem so endless now with you beside me.
My eyes hurt from crying so much and for so long. They’re heavy. I don’t want to close them, what if I wake up and you’re not there?
“I’m not going anywhere,” your voice is calm and sweet and I wonder how you can always read my mind. “Go to sleep, Jisoonie. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”
I struggle against my tired instincts and try to get some words out. “T-thank you Chaeng… I’m sorry.”
Again with the sorry.
You gaze at me with your chocolate brown eyes and suddenly I can feel again.
I must have saved the world in my past life to have you here with me right now.
“I’m sorry.”
It’s not what I want to say, but it’s all I can force out of my dry mouth with my exhausted brain pushed way past its limits.
I love you.
“Don’t be.”
You’re stroking my hair again. I would cry if I had the energy left to do so.
“Good night, Jisoonie.”
I cross my fingers under the covers and hope that I’m reading your mind right.
I love you too.
Then the darkness washes over me and slowly I’m drifting off and then the words in my head finally go quiet.