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It wasn’t a dream life for any of them, but it could be much worse.
And both knew that they were where they belonged.
Mei Nianqing was sleeping nor far from Jun Wu. His sleep was agitated, his body was trying to keep him asleep, but his mind was in distress. He woke up violently and sat in the bamboo bed, sweating.
Where was he ? What was happening around him ??
He looked around only to realize after that it was only a nightmare even if it felt so real. He was then able to calm himself. His breathing was so fast and he was sweating. Nothing had changed in his situation to make him so unstable. .
His sleep was rarely peaceful. But today was an episode where he clearly felt bad. His body was almost in panic and even if he knew he was in security now, he couldn’t calm himself. All of his being was agitated.
He turned his head a little to see the person resting next to him. He couldn’t look away ; he looked so serene. It was only a minute after staring at the person next to him that he felt tears rolling on his cheeks.
*What is wrong with me?* He kept questioning himself about it.
2000 years wasn’t enough to forget, but he couldn’t even remember the last time he cried. The irony.
He closed his eyes to stop his tears and moved slowly from the bamboo mat to leave for a moment. He wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep, he simply knew it. He needed some fresh hair.
Before he was able to leave the place, he heard a voice behind him, “Mei Nianqing, where are you going in the middle of the night ?”
He stopped, but he didn’t turn to look at him. He had hoped he wouldn't wake him, but Jun Wu was a light sleeper, just like him. After so much in life, it was impossible to do something else.
“I’m not able to sleep, Your Highness, I’m just taking some fresh hair. Continue to sleep, I won’t be far.” Mei Nianqing made some good efforts to stop his voice from trembling, and not showing any weaknesses. He absolutely wanted to avoid being questioned.
He knew he failed when he heard His Highness getting out of bed and walked toward him. Mei Nianqing didn’t move and simply lowered his head, as a last resort to hide his tears from him. He then felt his hand on his shoulders and shivered. He craved his gentle touch, but it wasn’t what he needed at the moment. At all.
“Why are you lying to me ?” Jun Wu’s voice was a little more stiff than it was a few seconds ago, but still calm. Just for Mei Nianqing to know that he wasn’t messing around. .
Mei Nianqing sighed before answering, always trying to calm his voice to be sure he wouldn’t notice his mental state. “I’m truly not lying, Your Highness. I really can’t sleep. I just need a bit of time outside and I’ll be back.”
Jun Wu didn’t answer, his hand reached his chin and he turned his face to him, while staying on his back. “You’re maybe not lying, but you’re hiding something from me.” He looked at him and frowned. “.... Were you crying ?”
Defeated, Mei Nianqing closed his eyes.. “Do not worry, Your Highness, it is simply a nightmare. I’ll take some fresh air, I'll come back to sleep once it's passed.” He smiled and tried to move forward, but the hand on his shoulder stopped him.
“What did you dream of ?” The crown prince asked.
If he had anywhere to hide from him at this exact moment, he would. Mei Nianqing simply wanted to avoid his scrutinizing gaze. “Please, Your Highness, don’t ask me that.” He lowered his head as he almost pleaded. “Just let me go for now, please.”
Jun Wu removed his hands and moved slowly in front of him. “If I let you go now, will you ever come back?” His emotion was complex. “Would you come back to me after ?”
“I won’t ever leave you again, Your Highness. I really won’t but, please. Just… let me go for now, that's all I’m asking for.” Mei Nianqing kept his gaze at Jun Wu’s feet, and refused to look at him. He absolutely didn’t want to look distressed in front of him. He also truly didn’t want to think about his nightmare again, and even explaining to him. The thought of it was too painful. “Please… Your Highness. Just tonight.”
Jun Wu lifted his chin with the tip of his fingers.. “Mei Nianqing.” Jun Wu toned slowly. After a pause, he simply said, “Your nightmare is because of me, isn’t it ? That’s why you’re avoiding me?”
Mei Nianqing couldn’t support his gaze and looked away. “A lot happened, Your Highness. I’ll be fine in the morning.” He didn’t deny Jun Wu’s words ; he promised to him that he wouldn’t lie after all. “I just need time.”
He lowered his head, defeated. The silence was so dense that he could hear His Highness’ breathing. He could also feel his gaze on him. He knew he understood what he meant. He took a long breath to try to calm himself and looked him in the eyes. Jun Wu was waiting.
“Your Highness, please, don’t give me the silent treatment…” Mei Nianqing closed his eyes as a single tear rolled on his cheek. He then raised his hand, cupping Jun Wu’s face. His thumb gently caressed one of his scars and tried to smile. “I will never be able to escape these nightmares, they’re too deep within me. How can I forget… ?” He sighed as he continued, the memory so clear in his mind. “Just let me calm myself, and I’ll be back in the morning. Go back to sleep, Your Highness. Nothing can make it easier for me. ”
The crown prince was awfully silent. Mei Nianqing couldn’t guess what he was thinking. They shared the same memory of the past, and they both knew where everything started to go down.
Without any answers, he simply assumed he could go on his way.
Before he could take another step, Jun Wu grasped his wrist in desperation and curled him in his arms. Hand on his head, Jun Wu kept him pressed against his heart. No words were said for a moment that seemed like an eternity.
Mei Nianqing trembled in his arms, unable to make any move. “Your Highness, I.. –”
“Don’t say more.” His hand slowly stroked his hair. “Don’t leave.” He paused for an instant. “Just... don't leave.”
“I just…–”
Jun Wu stopped him again. “Don’t.” He sighed and closed his eyes, still holding Mei Nianqing against his heart. “You dreamed of the past. A past that none of us can forget. And you wanted to avoid remembering it to me. I get it, Nianqing.”
This time, it was Mei Nianqing that didn’t answer. He snuggled against his chest, hiding his face from his view. His body was still trembling in his strong arms.
The ex-emperor continued, his hand always resting on his head. “To make sure to keep all to yourself, even though it is me who brought you this pain. There is no need to hide it from me. Each day, the scars on my face remind me of it.”
Mei Nianqing couldn’t say a word. He tried to hide that he was crying, but it was in vain. He simply gripped on his clothes until he was finally able to calm himself. Jun Wu didn’t move an inch, he simply kept him in his arms until he heard his breathing coming back to normal.
“I just didn’t want to bring back these memories to you, Wuyong.” Under the emotions, the filter disappeared and he called him by his old title. “But I know too well that you know… It was simply… hard for me to face it. To face this pain, and knowing that I would hurt you again. ”
The intimacy of his name made Jun Wu smile slightly, lowering his head. “As long as you stay, you can’t hurt me anymore.”
“... And Wuyong, as long as I don’t lose you anymore, you can’t hurt me anymore.” Mei Nianqing smiled slightly. The meaning of his words were clear ; as long as Jun Wu didn’t disappear, and as long as he didn’t see him lose his way again…
Mei Nianqing dried his tears and his face with his sleeve. “I’m way too old for that…”
Jun Wu smiled. “So am I.”
Mei Nianqing gave up the idea to go outside and accepted to go back in bed. He couldn’t fall back asleep, but he kinda felt more serene now.
It wasn’t perfect, nothing would be perfect knowing their long life, but they now have even longer to make it work.