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It was just like any typical day – Gerard was leaning against Bert, his arm around their shoulder as they sat on one of the leather couches and watched Tucker play pool with Adam against Quinn and Jepha. Syd was busy chatting with Ryan in the corner, and Monty sat by himself on one of the couches, trying to avoid Branden who was trying to tell him about some TV show he was on.
“Hey, where’s Anthony?” Gerard spoke up, breaking the light noise of quiet chatter, and Bert looked around, as if finally realizing that the one person who always seemed to be around, wasn’t here.
“I saw him go down into the basement a few hours ago, haven’t heard from him since. Guessing he’s tidying the place up or something,” Tucker said before turning his attention back toward the pool table. He watched as Adam hit a ball into a hole, earning them a point, and smiled. Gerard turned back towards Bert, who just shrugged at them, unsure of what to say.
However, any thoughts of confusion were quickly pushed aside as the basement door slammed open, and out came none other than Anthony Green, holding an array of loose sheets of paper with words and drawings scribbled all over them.
“Come one, come all to a beautiful show! It's gonna be awesome and… Some other stuff!” Anthony began singing, eyes shining maniacally at the group in front of him. “Dee-dee-dee-dee-do-dee-dee-dee-do-dee-dee-do-dee! Some other musical stuff!”
“What are you doing, buddy?” Bert asked slowly. He knew Tucker mentioned something about how Anthony had been drawing hieroglyphics lately as a means of communication, and the pictures on his papers seemed to suggest that Tucker was right. Why he was singing though – that was still a mystery.
“I wrote a musical.” Anthony’s words were crisp and deliberate, as if it was obvious as to what he was doing.
Gerard sat up, moving Bert’s arm off of them as they processed Anthony’s words. “You wrote a musical?”
Anthony’s head slowly turned until his eyes locked onto Gerard’s, and his jaw unhinged into an open-mouthed smile as he nodded.
“Why, why did you do that?” Jepha piped in, raising an eyebrow. Anthony’s head turned to face Jepha now, an amused glint in his eyes.
“Just to write a musical. Does there have to be a reason?” He set the papers down on the pool table before he cracked his knuckles. “ I don't think so.”
“Yeah, there does. Nobody writes a musical for no reason. That doesn't make sense,” Quinn scoffed, and Anthony’s jaw clenched, his hands visibly starting to shake.
“All right, well, this guy did, so there you go.”
It was Monty’s turn to chime in now. “Who's the mark?”
Anthony’s eyes narrowed as he turned to face Monty. “What?”
“Yeah!” Bert chimed in, clearly into the idea of using a musical against someone as a malicious tactic.
Anthony’s eyes softened when he turned to Bert, and he smiled as he ran his fingers through Bert’s hair before taking a few steps back. “No, there's no... there's no mark, guys. I wrote a musical. It's pretty damn good, okay? I want to put it on.”
Bert batted Anthony’s hands away and slid Gerard onto his lap as a makeshift shield from Anthony. “Right. What's your angle?”
Anthony’s eyes shifted from soft and friendly to cold and menacing at Bert’s accusations. “I don't have an angle.”
“Whose face are we shoving this musical in?” Monty asked, smirking as he realized Anthony’s growing frustration.
“You don't shove a musical in someone's face. What are you talking about?” Anthony’s words were coming through gritted teeth, and his knuckles were turning white from how hard he was clenching his fists.
“But who versus? Who are we doing it versus?” Bert yelled. Gerard let out a giggle at this, and Bert smirked as he planted a kiss on the back of their head.
“Oh, my God, are you guys going to make this about this? Look, I just wrote a musical to write a musical, okay? I don't have an ulterior motive here. I'm not trying to screw anyone or gain anything out of it.” Anthony’s words were coming out frantically, almost on the verge of a shout. He threw his arms in the air, his tall, bony body looking even more ominous with his movements. “You know what, if you guys don't want to be in it, I can find other people to play your parts!”
Gerard and Bert immediately looked at each other and then turned back to the taller man.
“Hang on there, pal!” Bert shouted, standing up as he pushed Gerard off of him, who luckily caught themself before hitting the coffee table they were sitting by.
“Hang on. Hang on. We're just trying to wrap our heads around this!” Gerard added, holding their hands out defensively as they batted their eyelashes at Anthony, looking at him with the sweetest doe eyes they could manage.
Bert caught on quickly to what Gerard was doing, and he ran a hand through his hair and wrapped his right arm around Gerard, pulling them close as he attempted to flex his muscles on his left arm for Anthony’s gaze. “Yeah, there's no reason to give away our parts, okay?”
Anthony stared at the duo for a few moments before licking his lips and taking a deep breath. “All right.”
Jepha put the cue stick down and walked over to where Anthony, Gerard, and Bert stood. “No, we'll do it. What's it called?”
Anthony’s eyes shined brightly as he looked at everyone in the room with him.
“The Nightman Cometh.”
––––
Soon enough, Gerard and Bert found themselves sitting in the audience of a nice theatre alongside Jepha, Syd, Ryan, Monty, Adam, and Quinn. Tucker and Anthony were on stage, whispering to each other and stapling loose sheets of paper together. A few seconds passed by, and Anthony turned to face the audience, packets of paper in his hands, Tucker by his side.
“Okay, gather around. Please, everybody. Let's gather down front,” He began, but no one moved because everyone was already sitting down at the front. Anthony smiled widely and began dancing slightly, humming a tune before breaking out into song. “I feel the magic. Do you feel the magic? Here we go!”
He then gestured to Tucker, who smiled and bowed, before shooting a wink at Adam. “Now, you guys, you all know Tucker. Tucker was kind enough to book for us this fine local theater. So round of applause for Tucker. Very nice.”
Anthony and Tucker then went around and handed everyone a packet, which seemed to be a script for the musical. “He also transcribed my work into a format you might consider a little bit more legible.”
“Or literate,” Monty chuckled. “He added words to it!”
“Yeah, right. No more interruptions now, Monty…Thank you, please,” Anthony growled, and Monty put his hands up in defense, letting Anthony continue. Before he could say anything, Gerard piped up.
“Okay, well, Anthony, I got a question for you. Who's playing this lead boy?”
Anthony beamed at Gerard’s question. “Well, what a curious kitten you are. The boy role is going to be Bert!”
Gerard stiffened. “What?”
“Oh, yeah!” Bert clapped his hands together as he jumped up in excitement. “Lead role, of course !”
Gerard grabbed Bert’s hand and pulled him back down to the seat before running a frustrated hand through their hair. “Wait, so who's playing the dayman?”
Anthony straightened his spine as he exhaled. “Well, the lead boy becomes the dayman when he defeats the nightman. So it's also Bert.”
Bert jumped out of his seat once again, throwing his arms in the air excitedly. “Two parts? Oh, yeah!”
It was Gerard’s turn to stand up, holding the script like it disgusted them. “Wait, that's bullshit, Anthony!”
Anthony swallowed as he was faced with Gerard’s sudden insubordination. “The nightman's a better role.”
“He gets to play two roles? I mean, come on!” Gerard stood their ground, gesturing to Bert like Anthony was crazy.
“It's the same person…” Anthony tried to keep his composure but was quickly distracted by Quinn who decided it was his turn to speak up.
“Anthony, who's playing the troll guy?”
Anthony grinned. “I’m going to play the troll guy.”
“You’re the troll guy?” Quinn smirked, leaning back in his chair.
“Who else would be the troll?” Tucker laughed, and Quinn grinned.
“Oh, I like that!” He jabbed Jepha with his elbow, and the two laughed together.
Anthony’s eyes flickered between the blonde and Jepha, before he cleared his throat and turned to Tucker. “All right, good. And Tucker, can I do it naked?”
Tucker almost choked. “Absolutely not. Why would you want to be naked?”
“Because in the '70s, everybody did theater naked. Everybody got laid all the time,” Anthony began to explain, but Tucker crossed his arms.
“All right, well, this is not the '70s. You're going to do theater with your clothes on, please. This theatre is owned by my dad’s good friend, I don’t need naked people in it.”
“Anthony, what the hell is this play about? I'm a princess who lives in a basement?” Jepha spoke up, flipping through the pages.
“You’re in a basement, you don’t live in a basement. Read closer,” He corrected, and Jepha continued to read through the script.
“Wait, so Jepha gets to be the princess? This feels very unfair, Anthony. I thought I was your princess!” Gerard whined. Before Anthony could reply, Jepha looked back up at him.
“Why am I in love with a little boy?”
Anthony chuckled. “You're in love with a young man.”
Jepha raised an eyebrow. “You wrote ‘boy’.”
“Well, all right, man, boy, it's a metaphor.”
“Well, the audience is going to think I'm a child molester–” Jepha argued before Bert jumped out of his seat once again.
“I've changed my mind. I'm playing the nightman!”
Gerard looked at Bert, confused. “Why would you want to play the nightman?”
“Well, the nightman's bad-ass, baby. He has the eyes of a cat and does karate across the stage!” Bert explained, his arms moving in a karate-like way to display his vision.
Anthony flipped through the pages frantically. “Where are you getting that from?! Karate?!”
Bert waved his hand at Anthony before sitting back down in his seat. “No, I made that up, man.”
Gerard smiled and planted a kiss on Bert’s cheek before turning to face Anthony again. “Well, this is great. That frees up the lead boy role and the dayman role, and I can play both those, since I can’t be the princess.”
“No, I don't want you guys switching roles. That's not how it works!” Anthony tried to yell, but Gerard was busy highlighting their lines already while Bert waved his hand to get Tucker’s attention.
“Hey, Tucker, you got a guy that does cat eyes?”
Tucker held up his phone and shook it. “I'm already on it.”
“All right, God, for the love of God. You know what? Let's just get started,” Anthony sighed, but Adam raised his hand. “Jesus Christ, what do you want, pretty boy?”
Adam blushed, lowering his hand. “I was just, uh, wondering what me, Syd, Ryan, Quinn, and Monty are supposed to do. You told us to be here but we don’t have any roles.”
Anthony straightened his spine for a second before clenching his jaw as he pondered. “Ryan, Monty, you guys are on costumes. You and Quinn are in charge of the set. And Syd will work with Tucker and I as a stage manager. Happy?”
The group mumbled amongst each other before they faced Anthony again.
“Yeah, that sounds fun. I am quite knowledgeable about fashion, and so is Monty. Costumes will be amazing, don’t worry about it, Tony,” Ryan grinned, and Monty nodded. Adam and Quinn just stared at each other for a few moments before realizing the only reason they were chosen for set-building was because they were both tall, muscular, and strong – so it wasn’t like they could argue against that.
“Why did you choose me as stage manager?” Syd spoke up. He wasn’t close with either Anthony or Tucker, so he was pretty shocked as to why he was given a role with authority. Anthony shrugged.
“You got a good head on those shoulders, kid. I think you got real talent, and I see myself in you. You’re not just going to be stage manager, by the way. You’re going to direct as well. Since I’m in the musical, it’ll be hard to direct a chunk of this. I trust your judgment, so you have creative freedom,” Anthony explained, and Syd nodded. He wasn’t sure if he liked hearing from the scariest person in the world that he is similar to him, but hey, he loves directing plays and skits – he did it all the time in theatre class in high school.
––––
“Okay, you guys ready?” Anthony asked Jepha and Gerard, who were standing on two platforms, holding their scripts.
“Yeah!” Gerard yelled enthusiastically, while Jepha just smiled and nodded. Tucker began playing the song on piano, and the two jumped into the vocals.
“ Tiny boy, little boy, Baby boy, I need you tiny boy, little boy, Want to make love to you, boy –” Jepha began, Gerard doing their little backups, before Jepha stopped mid-lyric. “Okay, hold on a second. Anthony?”
“Yes?” Anthony replied, barely paying attention as he flipped through the script.
“Are you goddamn kidding me?”
Anthony finally looked up. “What?”
"Tiny boy, little boy, baby boy?" Jepha put his hands on his hips.
“Yes.”
“You're wanting me to say that I want to make love to a little, baby, tiny boy!”
Anthony let out a deep sigh. “But I have explained this to you, Jepha. I'm talking about the spirit of this man... is like a little boy. It's a metaphor.”
“You keep using that word, but I'm not convinced you know what it means. And also, I'm not making out with Gerard later. 'Cause it says we're supposed to do that at the end of the song, and that's not going to happen,” Jepha stepped off the platform as he spoke, walking closer to Anthony.
Gerard finally spoke up. “I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with that either, Tony.”
Anthony ran his hands through his hair and straightened his shoulders, trying to keep composure. “Well, this is why I didn't think you should be playing the boy, okay? I don't want you guys kissing either!”
Adam, who was painting some wooden flats with Quinn, paused and looked up at the current situation. “What if it's just a sexually charged embrace?”
“Okay, Adam, please don't talk to the talent,” Anthony glared, before turning back to Jepha. “You know what? Um… All right, screw this shit. If no one likes the song, I'm going to cut the song.”
Jepha let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”
Gerard immediately stepped down from their platform and rushed over. “Whoa, no, no, no, no, don't cut the song, Anthony! I like the song! Jepha, apologize to Anthony.”
Jepha shook his head. “I'm not going to do that. He wants me to bang this baby, and I don't feel comfortable.”
“I think it's a bad idea to cut the song, Anthony,” Adam chimed in again.
Thank you, Adam. Thank you very much. All right, could you give me a second with... with the talent here? Thank you. Uh, Gerard, could you take a five? Anthony held up a hand to Gerard, who looked at him, their head cocked to the side.
“Uh, well, I just want the song, Tony–”
Anthony cut them off. “I would like for you to take a five.”
“Five... five minutes?” Gerard asked quietly, stepping off the platform and walking towards the group.
Anthony shook his hand at Gerard, hardly able to keep calm. He pointed towards a table off the stage. “Can we have five now please? Can you have a five over there?”
“I–” They stammered, and Anthony slammed his hand down on the piano.
“Will you take a five, Gerard?! Take a five, please!” He yelled, and Gerard nodded before running off stage and heading towards the table. He turned back to Jepha, taking another deep breath. “Okay, Jepha, the song is history.”
Jepha smiled. “Thank you, Anthony. I appreciate that. 'Cause I was uncomfortable.”
“Yeah, I'll bet.”
Jepha took a step closer, flipping through the script. “What are we going to sing instead? What should I sing?”
“Uh, what's on the back there?” Anthony gestured to one of the pages, and Jepha flipped to it.
“It's the same song.”
Anthony nodded. “And what's on the very back page?”
“Nothing.”
“Then that's what you'll be singing,” Anthony stated simply, crossing his arms. Jepha gawked at him, letting out a pissed-off sigh.
“Anthony, this is my big song! Everybody else has a big song. I deserve to have one!”
Anthony waved his hand. “Yeah, yeah… Do you?”
“Don't screw me like this, Anthony. Come on!” Jepha dropped the script as he stomped one foot, clearly pissed off. Anthony finally felt himself snap, and he threw his script across the room, letting out a loud yell.
“Don't screw you ?! Oh, I'm sorry, Jepha. Um, let me try and remember something. Uh, let's see... was it... did Jepha write a musical and come to Anthony with it? No, Anthony wrote a musical and came to Jepha with it. And the gang. And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about themselves and take it away from Anthony and ruin his hopes and dreams. So let me tell you something, Jepha; Let me break down a scenario for you. I could cut the song, okay, because I wrote it. I could have Ryan, or Monty, or Tucker do the song, okay, because you did not write it. Or I could strap on a wig and I could do the song myself. So you tell me, little Miss All That, what do you want to do... song or no song ?”
“Song,” Jepha mumbled, the word barely audible. Anthony gasped in a condescending way.
“Song?”
Jepha nodded, not making eye contact. “Yeah, song.”
Anthony bent down to meet Jepha’s eye level. “You want to sing a song.”
“I never wasn't going to sing the song.”
He chuckled. “You were excited about singing a song, and you want to sing a song?”
Jepha finally met his eyes. “Yeah, I would like to do it.”
“Good! So back up on your podium you go! Thank you,” He sighed as Jepha turned around and walked back up onto the platform, before he turned and looked at Gerard, who was busy eating grapes at the table. “Gerard, what are you doing?”
Gerard finished chewing and then swallowed before speaking up. “I'm eating because I'm very uncomfortable.”
Anthony cut them off. “Well, you guys are making–, okay. Can you just get on the stage please, and can we finish this rehearsal?”
“It was really loud–" Jepha complained, but Anthony blocked him out, focusing on Gerard instead.
"And that wasn't five minutes,” Gerard grumbled as they headed back up onto the stage. Never mind – Anthony wanted to tune Gerard out now too. Out of frustration, he kicked the leg of the piano, which caused Gerard to jump at the noise.
“Don't start!” He yelled, before taking another deep breath, raising his hand up above his head. “Okay, you know what, you guys have me up to here. Okay, I'm here. I don't want to be here, okay? Now I have to play the piano and I'm all up here. So let's... you know what, let's try and get this down. Let's try and work this down a bit, okay? And you know what's going to do that, learning the song, the way it's written. Let's do it. Back to the top. Five, six, seven, eight…”
––––
It was time for the scene with the troll now, so Anthony passed the reigns over to Syd and Tucker to direct. Syd found it endearing that Anthony trusted Syd’s opinion just as much as Tucker’s, even though he still didn’t understand why he was given all this creative freedom for a musical that he really had no connection with.
Tucker started on the piano, and Anthony jumped right into the song. “ Got to play the troll toll To get into this boy's hole You've got to pay the troll toll To get in You want this baby boy's hole, You've got to pay the troll toll– ”
Syd quickly cut him off. “Stop, stop, stop. All right, not bad. Good rhythm, love the enthusiasm. I feel like you're saying ‘boy's hole’, and it's clearly ‘soul’. And I know, Tucker, you did write ‘soul’, right?”
Tucker nodded. “I did write ‘soul’.”
Syd turned back to Anthony. “So it's ‘boy's soul’.”
Anthony blinked at him before straightening his shoulders. “ You got to pay the troll toll to get in this boy's hole– ”
“No, see, right there. It sounds like ‘hole’. Like if you drag that out…” Syd began before his attention turned to a different issue as he heard smacking beside him. “Bert, are you chewing gum?”
Bert nodded. “Yeah.”
“Give me the gum, okay? Give me the gum, Bert, please?” Syd asked.
Gerard slapped Bert’s leg. “He said, ‘No gum’.”
“I said, ‘No gum,’ everyone,” Syd repeated.
“It's unprofessional,” Gerard added, and Syd nodded at them as Bert took the gum out of his mouth and threw it at the trash can nearby, not even looking to see if it went in. Syd sighed before turning back to the group.
“Okay. Thank you–” He began, but Bert interrupted.
“Anthony, Syd, can I bring something up?”
Anthony looked at Syd, as if he was giving Syd permission to take full direction in this scene.
Syd nodded. “Yes?”
“I think we have to be very careful about how we do the rape scene,” Bert said casually. Syd’s jaw dropped.
“Yeah, you’re right!” Gerard added before kissing Bert’s cheek. “You’re so smart, baby.”
Syd stared at the two. “What in God's name are you talking about? There's no rape scene!”
Bert scoffed. “Well, sure there is! I pay the troll toll, and then I rape Gerard.”
Syd looked at Anthony, who seemed to have a completely neutral expression, and then turned back to Bert. “No, you don't rape them. You become them. You do not rape them.”
“He doesn't?” Gerard asked, playing with a strand of their hair.
“No! Look, let me just walk you guys through this, okay? Here's what happens. Once you pay the toll, I want you to come over to Gerard over by their bed here, okay?” Syd motioned towards Gerard, who quickly flipped their hair over their shoulder.
“I'll be lying back,” They added, before laying down on their side and arching their back in a way that was far too sexual for someone who was playing a young boy.
“You want me to cross the stage?” Bert asked.
Syd nodded. “Yes.”
Bert grinned as he began showing off karate moves. “All right, this is a great opportunity to showcase some skills, and, like, just put on a clinic–”
“I would rather you didn't!” Syd cut him off, already regretting this director position.
“Well, I think the people are gonna want to see that,” Bert insisted, before getting to the bed. He leaped up onto it in a surprisingly graceful manner. “And then I'll hop up sort of like a cat, like so. Meow.”
Syd waved his hand, feeling a bit hopeless by this point. “Jesus Christ, just leave it at that. Okay, once he gets near you, you have to sense him, okay? Suddenly, you sense him.”
Bert wasn’t done. “What if I were to position Gerard in a way where I get behind them, and then Anthony could throw that blanket that he's got right there over us, and then that way you can't see the penetration.”
Gerard hummed in agreement. “That's a good idea. You know what, Syd? Because the blanket will make the raping... I'm sorry, the sexing from behind feel more classy.”
“That's good!” Bert yelled, before he began to push himself against Gerard. “And what I can do is thrust this way, and you can struggle.”
Before Syd could say anything, Anthony spoke up. “Actually, I think I like this idea more… Syd? Tucker? Thoughts?”
“I don’t know, man… Dad’s friend’s theatre, remember?” Tucker said slowly. Syd took that as an opportunity to clear things up.
“No, no. Absolutely not!” He said, putting his hand up in the air in the same way Anthony did earlier. “Anthony, you were here with it, right?”
Anthony nodded, and then Syd raised his hand even higher. “Well, now I'm here, okay? I am, I'm past where I thought you could go. I'm, like, all the way up here with it.”
––––
“So, what are your plans this weekend?”
Syd passed a ticket to one of the cooks before turning to the voice beside them – which came from their co-worker, a man with long dirty blonde hair and a beard. His name was Chad, and he started working with Syd around the same time he started.
“Well, uh, it’s kinda funny. I’m kinda, uh, putting on a musical with my friends on Saturday Night. I’m one of the directors and also the stage manager. Technically, I’m kind of the main director, because the writer cast himself as a role, so he’s kinda busy with that, and the other director isn’t really a director. He’s just rich so he’s funding the whole thing,” Syd laughed as he filled some glasses up with lemonade. “What about you?”
“Well, me and the guys were planning on going to see the new Saw movie with our friends Cove, Patrick, and Hunter, but a musical written by the one and only Syd Novak sounds far more interesting,” Chad laughed, before taking a few steps to the left so he could see three of their other co-workers. “Hey! Steven! Connor! Marshall! Y’all down to see Syd’s musical on Saturday?”
“Hell fucking yes! I love musicals. Always been a dream of mine to be in one, if I’ll be honest. Next time, you should cast us, Syd,” Steven laughed, wiping his hands off on a small towel as he walked over to join him and Chad. Syd chuckled as he crumpled up an old ticket and threw it at Steven.
“I didn’t write it, this guy named Anthony did. I’ll let him know for the next time that I got an up-and-coming star waiting to be cast, though,” He flashed Steven a smile, before returning to fill up the lemonades.
“Hey, Hunter is a photographer, by the way. If you want, we can get him to snap some cool shots of the show,” Marshall offered, and Syd smiled.
“That would be so cool!” He cheered before he picked up the glasses and set them on a tray before turning back to face his coworkers. “Alright, I’ll save seven seats in the front row. It’s at the Pedulla Theatre in downtown Belleville, and it starts at 7. I’ll see y’all there!”
––––
Syd was nervous, but to be fair – it seemed like everyone was. He quickly peaked through the curtains, and saw his co-workers all in the front row, alongside a familiar man covered in tattoos, another familiar man with long, stringy brown hair, and a guy with long black hair pulled into a ponytail with a camera strung over his neck.
“Is that… Cove Reber?” Bert asked as he walked up beside Syd, pointing at the man with the brown stringy hair. It clicked for Syd, and he quickly realized that was the waiter from the Applebees.
“Yeah, I think so. He’s friends with my coworkers, who are all in the front row. They also brought their friends Patrick and Hunter, and Hunter’s a photographer. He’s gonna take photos of the performance,” Syd replied, and Bert squealed and jumped up and down in joy, before turning around and grabbing Gerard’s arm, yanking them over.
“Ow! Bert, what the hell!” Gerard whined, rubbing their arm from where Bert pulled on it.
“Shhh, Jesus, you’re so loud!” Bert rolled his eyes, before getting back to the matter at hand. “That guy with the camera is gonna be taking photos for the performance. Oh, baby, it’s like we are celebrities. I wonder if this could be our big break! I mean, we are obviously the best actors in this thing, and we are the main characters. Who knows, some big producers could be in the crowd. I heard a rumor that RCG is coming to New Jersey to promote their new whiskey!”
Gerard raised an eyebrow at their husband, smiling at his excitement. “That’s so cool! We should get the best photo of us framed so we can hang it in our bedroom. And, I mean, it would be awesome if we got scouted, because I agree that we are clearly the stars of the show, but… What is RCG?”
Bert gawked at them, and even Syd let out a chuckle, turning to join the conversation. “RCG is the name for a group of producers. Rob Mcelhenney, Charlie Day, and Glenn Howerton.”
“Why are they called RCG?” Gerard asked slowly, before taking a sip of a Whiteclaw that seemed to appear in their hand. Bert groaned loudly and snatched the drink from their hand and threw it on the floor.
“No drinking before the performance! God, Gerard, do you know how unprofessional it is to do that during live theatre?!” He growled, before taking a deep breath. “As for the name, it stands for the first letter of each guy’s name. Rob, R. Charlie, C. Glenn, G. Duh.”
“Oh, um, okay…” Gerard mumbled. “I’ve never heard of them. What are they known for?”
Syd let out a light laugh – it was confusing how little Gerard and Bert knew in terms of pop culture, but at least Bert was aware of RCG.
“It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, it’s a very famous show,” Syd explained, and Gerard nodded, though both Bert and Syd could tell Gerard was still confused. Before they could explain anything else, Bert’s eyes widened and he pointed at the crowd again.
“And what the fuck are they doing here?!” He yelled, and Gerard and Syd quickly looked at what he was pointing at.
Lo and behold, Bert and Gerard’s kids – Vince and Shia, if Syd could remember properly – were running through the theatre towards the front row. Vince was holding a Brendon Urie doll and was dressed like Olaf from Frozen, which was extremely confusing, but things got even more confusing as Shia began doing cartwheels around the front row, almost hitting Steven in the face.
“Who the fuck even told them about this? How did they even get here?” Bert asked, grabbing Gerard’s shoulders and shaking them frantically.
“Jesus, Bert, I don’t know! Your parents are supposed to take care of them, so don’t ask me!” They snapped, and almost immediately, Gerard and Bert looked at Syd with big, pleading eyes.
“...What?” Syd asked.
“Can you please just tell your coworkers to look over Vince and Shia? We cannot let them ruin our moment tonight. They don’t even have to like, do anything. Just make them have the kids stay in their seats and stay quiet,” Gerard begged, and Bert nodded.
“Uh, sure…? I guess I can do that,” He replied, and Bert pulled him into a hug.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you! We owe you one, Syd!” He exhaled, and Syd stood there awkwardly, waiting for the hug from their friend’s husband to end. When Bert finally pulled off him, he smiled at the couple before walking around the wings of the stage and down the stairs into the audience. He walked up to his coworkers, smiling and waving.
“Syd! What’s up Mr. Director! We’re so excited for tonight! The crowd is pretty packed – I'm impressed!” Steven smiled, and the other guys nodded excitedly.
“Yeah, me too! Thanks for coming guys, I really appreciate it!” He replied, before taking a breath. “Um, can I ask you guys for a favor?”
Chad laughed and nodded. “What’s up?”
“Can you watch those two kids next to you and make sure they don’t start running around or whatever? Like, just have them sit in their seats and watch the show. They are the kids of two cast members, and neither of them are sure how they got here, but we would all appreciate it if they, uh, stayed in check.”
Cove, who was seated right next to Shia, with Vince beside her, immediately piped up. “Yeah, we can watch them. I’m a really great babysitter.”
Syd smiled as relief washed over him. “Oh, thank God. You’re a lifesaver, Cove. Alright, I gotta get backstage again, show is about to start! See you guys soon, hope you enjoy the show!”
Syd immediately ran back to meet the cast and crew backstage and was met with what seemed to be a group of extremely stressed people, and Anthony, who seemed extremely calm and serene.
“All right. Anthony, what is going on, dude? When are we gonna start?” Monty asked as he finished zipping up Jepha’s dress.
“We're gonna start when we're ready to start. Stop hounding me,” Anthony replied, eyes scanning Monty before turning back to the center of the group.
“We were supposed to start 20 minutes ago–” Gerard began, but Anthony quickly clapped his hands together in front of their face, catching them off guard.
“Shush! We're not gonna start… Oh! It’s here! It’s here!” Anthony cut himself off and grinned as a delivery man walked up with two small boxes, and Anthony signed for it before turning back to the group. “Alright, Syd. It’s your time to shine, you’re the stage manager. Go ahead.”
Syd took a few deep breaths. He was very grateful for his experience in student directing and stage managing back in high school, because he at least knew what he was doing – the last person he wanted to upset was Anthony. “Okay, circle in, everybody. Can we get down in the middle? Can we get down front? A couple last-minute things. I just want to brief everyone on this. Tucker, can you bring in Mr. Gutierrez?”
Tucker nodded, and ran off for a few moments, before returning with an elderly man that Gerard immediately recognized. Syd smiled, and put a hand on the man’s shoulder. “This is Mr. Gutierrez, you can call him Chris if you want. He's going to be playing the piano instead of Tucker tonight.”
“What? Why?” Gerard asked nervously – they couldn’t tell if Chris recognized them from when they worked at the nursing home, but he didn’t seem to even look in their direction, which was relieving.
“It's cool. He knows all the songs,” Syd assured, but Gerard was worried nonetheless.
“Hey, Chris, can you head out there and get us started?” Syd asked, gesturing for Mr. Gutierrez to walk over to the piano.
The old man didn’t move, and instead, he turned to face Syd. “I forgot to tell you, Pete Wentz was a good friend of mine.”
Syd sighed. “You've been telling me that Pete Wentz was a friend of yours, like, all morning. And at a certain point–”
“How many times?” He cut Syd off, and Syd rolled his eyes.
“Like, a hundred times now! At a certain point, I need you to stop telling the Pete Wentz story and start playing the piano!”
Mr. Gutierrez brought a finger up toward Syd. “Shhh!”
Syd batted the man’s hand away, looking startled. “Don't shush me, okay? Please don't shush me! Alright, We have to start. Just get out there and get the play started!”
Tucker put an arm around the elderly man and guided him over towards the piano, and Syd silently thanked Tucker once he saw Mr. Gutierrez sitting at the piano.
“What the hell are you doing? You can't be throwing us curveballs like this, I’m hanging on by a thread!” Gerard whined, tears pricking their eyes, and Syd exhaled frustratedly.
“Don't argue with me right now, okay? We just gotta do this. Let's stick together!”
Jepha quickly chimed in before Syd could finish. “Real quickly, okay? Just a couple of things. I can't really move my arms in this thing–”
Syd shook his head, “That is a rental!”
Jepha ignored him and continued. “– so I think I need to rip the pits.”
Ryan gasped. “Do not rip that costume, okay? It's very bloody expensive!”
Jepha waved a hand at Ryan, still looking at Syd. “All right, fine, but one other thing. I wrote a song. I'm gonna throw it in.”
Anthony stepped forward. “I swear to God, you cannot add a song.”
Jepha laughed and put his arms out, almost challenging him. “It's gonna happen.”
“I don’t care that we are dating, I will smack your face off of your face. Do not add a song!” Syd pleaded, but the house lights dimmed down, and Tucker shot Syd a thumbs up.
“It started. It started, you guys gotta go!” Syd said frantically, pushing the actors into their places.
Gerard took some deep breaths and turned to Bert. “I-I’m not ready! I don’t know if I can do this, Bert!”
Bert shook his head and slapped Gerard across the face, causing them to yelp, before grabbing their jaw and kissing them. “I love you, Gee. You gotta get out there. Just get out there. You got this baby.”
Gerard nodded, rubbing their face before running out onto stage and climbing onto their podium. Syd mumbled into his mic for the music cue, and the piano began playing, and Tucker opened up the curtains.
The opening number. Syd was terrified, but Jepha opened his mouth and immediately went into it.
“What is this strange feeling?”
Gerard opened their eyes. “I feel so strange inside.”
“It's so strange, but appealing,” Jepha’s voice carried a sense of calmness, like he was a natural at this.
“I feel good, ooh!” Gerard smiled softly at the last word, doing the little shimmy they practiced during rehearsal. Syd let out a sigh of relief, and let the song continue.
“Tiny boy, little boy, baby boy, I need you.
Tiny boy, little boy, I want to touch you.
If you only knew what I'd do to you.
Boy, I need you, boy.
If I was that boy, that's inside of you.
Tiny boy, little boy, Baby boy, I need you Tiny boy, little boy, I want to make love to you.
If you only knew, what I'd do to you.
If I was that boy, that's inside of you.
Inside, inside, inside of you...
My boy...
Oh, boy.”
Gerard let their arms fall around Jepha, his pink princess costume digging into the blue onesie they had on as they hugged. Gerard couldn’t help but still feel incredibly jealous that Jepha was the one playing the beautiful girl in the musical written by Anthony, but at least they were the main character for the entire show. Jepha hugged them back, before they awkwardly let go of each other. Gerard walked off stage, heading to the mirror to check up on their makeup, before they heard something that was not a part of the script.
“ Just to be clear, I did not write that song, And have never had sex with a child… Just to be clear!”
Jepha. Jepha was singing a song that Anthony did not write.
“What? What is happening?” Mr. Gutierrez mumbled, and Syd let his face fall into his hands. He couldn’t believe his coworkers were witnessing this.
“Most men find me to be an eight or nine out of ten. And I am available to any interested men. Who'd like to get my number after the show ~”
“Jesus, Jepha!" Syd was baffled. "Keep singing, bitch! You're not gonna have a face by the time I'm done with you!”
Gerard was trying to hold back laughter as Bert walked up beside them. They turned slightly to him, gesturing towards Jepha with their chin. “What the hell is he doing?”
Bert smirked, crossing his arms. “He's bombing like crazy.”
“What an idiot. I was awesome, though, right?” Gerard asked confidently.
Bert scoffed and turned to face them. “You? No, babe. You totally froze up out there. You sucked.”
Gerard gasped, bringing a hand up to their chest, offended. “Okay, well, I was hearing a lot of laughs out there, Bert.”
“Laughs are cheap. I'm going for gasps .”
Gerard scoffed and shook their head.
“Wait till you see, Gee. Gasps are where it's at,” Bert assured, before slapping Gerard’s ass and turning away. “Gotta go pop my cat eyes in.”
Finally, after what seemed like hours, Jepha finally left the stage, allowing Syd to close the curtains. Adam and Quinn quickly ran out on stage, switching out the furniture and props, before sending a cue to Syd that the next scene was ready to begin.
“Alright, Gerard, get on the bed,” Syd whispered to Gerard, who nodded as they quickly ran over and hopped on the small bed. They adjusted their position until they were sure that they looked attractive from the angle where the audience would see them – it was a personal character choice that even when they were just the boy, they were still the most beautiful, regardless if the script insinuated that the princess was the prettiest.
Syd looked around and saw Anthony and Bert getting into position, and once things were ready, nodded at Tucker to raise the curtains. As soon as the curtains were drawn, the lights were back on the stage, and almost immediately, Bert began the scene.
“Sssssssssss!” Bert hissed, his cat eyes shining as he peaked his head through the window in the door. The audience broke out into laughter at this, watching as Bert scampered around the door onto the stage, right by Anthony, who was dressed up in a full troll outfit, including a nose prosthetic.
“I’m hearing a lot of laughs! That's good!” Ryan grinned as he walked up to Syd.
“That is not good. Anthony said this is not a comedy, okay? No one's supposed to be laughing!” Syd protested, but soon turned his attention back towards the stage. As the music began.
“You came at the right time,” Anthony snickered, a wide, cheshire cat-like smile forming on his face.
Bert wiggled his eyebrows. “Is he sleeping?”
“Yes, he's sleeping right over there,” Anthony gestured towards Gerard, who was lying on the bed. “Just the way you like 'em. Did you bring the toll?”
“Confound your lousy toll, troll! Sssssssss!” Bert hissed, causing the audience to laugh again. He frowned and let his hands fall to his sides. “God damn it. Stop laughing at me!”
Before Bert could complain anymore, the music picked up, and Anthony began his big number.
“ You gotta pay the troll toll, if you want to get into that boy's hole. You gotta pay the troll toll to get in… You want the baby boy's hole, You gotta pay the troll toll, You gotta pay the troll toll to get in. Troll toll! ”
Syd sighed. He was still saying ‘hole’.
Gerard sat up, a scared expression on their face as they sang, a surprising vibrato in their voice. “What’d you say?!”
“Troll toll! ” Anthony continued with the flawless choreography.
Bert waved his arms dramatically. “Hey, hey, hey!”
Anthony made his final move, and held out his hand at his last note. “Troll toll!”
Bert grinned evilly, taking out a bag of coins from his pocket and dropping them in Anthony’s hand. “Here's your toll, troll.”
Anthony licked his lips and gestured towards Gerard. “Your boy awaits.”
“At last, the boy's soul is mine!” Bert hissed in a slimy voice, before doing an array of karate moves across the stage, earning more laughs from the audience, causing him to roll his eyes, but he kept composure. Bert hopped up onto the bed, a snarl on his face, and Gerard continued to pretend to sleep in an exaggerated way. He snaked his hand under Gerard’s leg, pulling it over his shoulder, and they opened their eyes, meeting his gaze.
“Give me that leg, boy,” Bert growled, his teeth shining as he tried his best to seem like a predator hunting his prey.
“No!” Gerard protested, though it came off more as a moan, which sent chills down Bert’s spine. He hooked both Gerard’s legs over him as he climbed completely on top of them, pinning them to the mattress by their wrists as Anthony threw a blanket over them. He sunk down, grinding against Gerard, who stared at Bert with a shocked expression.
“Bert, do you have a boner right now?” They whispered, baffled by Bert’s behavior. It was unprofessional of him to do this, but at the same time, they couldn’t help but feel a bit turned on themself at the thought of Bert fucking them in front of all these people. However, their dedication to the role took first priority, and they gave Bert their best angry look.
“Shut up, Gerard, don't ruin this for me,” Bert growled, beginning to thrust against his wife. Even though he was turned on at the moment, it was a part of the scene where he was supposed to rape Gerard, and he was committed to his role. “Does it hurt?”
“What? Ah, stop! Oh, Jesus,” Gerard whined, struggling to get out of Bert’s iron grip as he continued to smack himself into them.
“Bert, that's enough!” They finally said, their tone sharp and a bit louder than they would’ve wanted, before they managed to push Bert off of them. Gerard quickly ran off stage in the sneakiest way they could – they didn’t want to ruin the suspension of disbelief, but knowing how they and Bert were, if that continued for any longer the show would get a lot more explicit than it originally was.
Tucker quickly let the curtains fall, and Bert groaned in annoyance as he turned to Anthony, who was simply standing there, watching in awe with an obvious erection. Bert shook his head and quickly got off stage as well – he did not need to be in a dark room alone with Anthony at the moment. That was a job much more suitable for Gerard.
Syd stared in horror at the scene that just unfolded. His coworkers would never let him live this down. He frantically held his script as he whispered through gritted teeth, “I am going to smack everyone into tiny, little pieces.”
Next up was a very important scene – so all Syd could do was pray for no more nonsense and for things to run smoothly. For a musical that wasn’t even his, this felt more serious than anything he’s worked on before, and he really didn’t want this last number to be fucked up.
The curtains opened, revealing Anthony sitting in a chair, holding a rope that was tied around one of Gerard’s wrists.
“Hello, boy!” Anthony yelled and tugged on the rope that was connected to Gerard. “Come over here and scratch my itchy-witchy toesy-woesies.”
“No,” Gerard replied, eyes leaving the floor as they looked up.
“What?” Anthony said, eyebrows raising in a challenging manner before pulling the rope towards him. “Get over here!”
Gerard looked over at him. “No, Antonio!”
Anthony scoffed. “I control you!”
“You control nothing!” Gerard yelled, pulling off the rope. “I am not your slave anymore, and I'm not a boy. I am a man, see?”
They took off the blue onesie, revealing a skin-tight silver bodysuit, accompanied by black underwear overtop.
“I was transformed... by the strong... musky power of true love. I am now…” Gerard paused, taking a few steps forward.
“The Dayman.”
They backed up and reached for the gun that Adam handed them through the door, before turning towards Anthony and pointing it.
“What the hell is that?” Anthony asked, pretending to be scared.
Gerard cocked the gun. “You know what it is, bitch.”
“Bang! Bang! Bang!” Gerard pretended to fire the gun, and Anthony let out cries of pain at each shot. Soon after, Bert appeared in the window, hissing once again.
“Where's the boy?” He asked as he walked through the door into the room with Gerard.
“The boy is gone.”
Bert looked at Gerard and smiled. “You can't tell me what to do.”
Gerard paused and raised an eyebrow. “I didn't tell you what to do. You're skipping a line, Bert.”
Bert stared at Gerard for a few moments before smiling at the audience. “You can't tell me what to do…”
“You're still skipping the same line!” Gerard whispered, their eyes wide.
“Just move past it,” Bert snapped. Gerard rolled their eyes and shook out their arms as they smirked.
“God, it's crazy how much better I am at acting than you are.”
Bert scoffed and took a few steps forward. “I'm going to kick your ass.”
“I'll tell you what…” Gerard’s voice echoed through the theatre as they projected. They knew this was a very important monologue, and they didn’t want to mess it up. “I am the ruler of darkness. I am the master of light. I am... the Dayman.”
Bert looked at them for a brief moment. “Whatever, bro.”
“Here's whatever, bitch,” Gerard retorted, and Bert frowned.
“What? No, don't improv!”
Gerard narrowed their eyes. “Don't tell me what to do!”
Their fight scene began, with fake punches, pushes, and groans thrown out, before Gerard inevitably won the fight, pulling out a fake plastic heart from Bert’s chest as they watched him fall to the floor. Shortly after, Jepha emerged from the wings of the stage, twirling around.
“You have defeated the evil that was here!”
Gerard threw the heart off stage. “Naturally. For I am the Dayman!”
“You once were a boy and now you are a man. And I am in love with you,” Jepha moved closer to Gerard, putting a hand on their arm.
“That's right. And now I am in love with you,” Gerard smiled, before the two turned to face forward, ready for their final number.
“ Dayman, Fighter of the Nightman Champion of the sun, You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone. Dayman Fighter of the Nightman Champion of the sun You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone Dayman Fighter of the nightman Champion of the sun You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone Dayman! ”
“Stage freeze!” Bert smiled at the last second, and Gerard rolled their eyes.
“Don't say ‘stage freeze’, just do it!”
Scattered applause emerged from the crowd as Jepha, Bert, and Gerard all held their spots. They weren’t sure why Anthony wasn’t in the final number, but it soon became clear as music began playing and a sun prop suspended down from the air, Anthony stood on top of it, wearing a fully yellow suit.
“I was that little boy. That little baby boy was me. I once was a boy But now I am a man I fought the Nightman, lived as Dayman. Now I'm here to ask for your hand, So if you want to marry, man, Will you marry me? ”
Bert and Gerard’s jaw dropped. Anthony was holding two small boxes, the ones the delivery man brought earlier, except they were open. The boxes each had a ring inside them, and Anthony locked his eyes on the duo. Before they could say anything, the music continued.
“Will you come on stage and join me? In this thing called matrimony? Please say yes and do not bone me, please. Just marry me !”
The crowd was silent, and Jepha stood there, trying not to laugh. Syd was absolutely mortified, but he couldn’t even imagine what Bert and Gerard were going through at the moment.
“Is that it?” Marshall yelled from the crowd. Anthony turned his attention to the man, raising his eyebrow.
“What?”
Marshall looked at Steven and then back to Anthony “Is the play over?”
Anthony shook his head violently. “No! Sit down and stay seated until I declare that the show is finished!”
He then turned back to Bert and Gerard, a smile back on his face. “Is it a yes, or...?”
Bert looked at him, dumbfounded. “Is it a yes? Really, Anthony, will we marry you? No, no, we will not. We will never marry you. We are married to each other, and also, we just don’t want to be married to you, that’s weird. Right, Gerard?”
Gerard nodded. “Yeah, sorry Anthony. The ring is pretty though, can I keep it?”
Anthony stared at the duo. “Okay, so wait. I'm sorry, I want to get this clear. You are saying no?”
“Oh, we are definitely, definitely saying no,” Bert emphasized, and Anthony threw the cane he was holding across the room, not even bothering if it hit anyone as he let out a loud scream of anger. He took a deep breath, before looking back at the couple.
“Well, that’s good to know. Guess our relations stay in the basement, then, Fine by me. I'll see you two tomorrow?”
Gerard and Bert looked at each other and shrugged. Bert turned back to Anthony and nodded. “I mean, sure. We don’t have plans.”
Anthony smiled before turning back to the crowd. “That's it. You can go home. It's over.”
“We've got to bow,” Jepha whispered, and Gerard nodded.
“Um, if you want,” Anthony grumbled. Bert motioned for the rest of the crew to join them, and Quinn, Adam, Monty, Ryan, Tucker, and Syd all ran onto the stage and they joined hands. They did their bows, the audience clapping and cheering for them, despite Syd being utterly embarrassed at what he just put his coworkers through.
“This was a great musical. You did a great job,” Tucker smiled as he patted Anthony’s back.
“Told you nobody just writes a musical for no reason,” Monty smirked at Anthony. “Can’t believe you did all this as a ploy to marry Bert and Gerard.”
“How did I do?” Jepha asked Syd, planting a kiss on his cheek. Syd took a deep breath.
“You added the song,” He replied simply.
“Okay? I bet your coworkers loved it!”
Syd shook his head, using one hand to throw around Jepha as he raised the other above his head. “I am here. I am passed here.”
Bert jumped up behind the two, tapping on Syd’s shoulder.
“Oh! By the way, I thought the rape scene went really well. Gerard and I nailed it!”
Syd’s hand raised even higher. “I am here. I am here with it. And that was awful for me. And if my coworkers bring this up back at the hotel, I'm going to smack you and Gerard, I swear to God!”
And soon they were all off stage, heading to the dressing rooms to change and take their makeup off.
“Hey guys!” Tucker yelled once everyone was all ready. “After party at my place! Let's get outta here and get drunk!"
Bert and Gerard looked at each other and then back to Tucker. Bert threw an arm around Gerard, pulling them closer.
"Hell yeah! Let's get drunk!"