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There was a huge clock on the hallway, right above the elevator. In a way it was comforting, seeing the steady movement of its arms, never stopping even once. Must be nice, to have one single purpose and never deviating. Being useful without being really acknowledged.
Nick sighed and crossed his arms. It was cold and he really fucking underestimated New York weather. The three layers of fabric on his body did a poor job of protecting him from the wind and he buried himself deeper into the couch cushions of the lobby.
"Got you some hot chocolate before you freeze your ass off in here"
He took the tiny brown plastic cup and held it between his fingers like a raccoon. The weight of a body next to him almost spilled the hot drink over his fingers and he lightly cursed at himself.
Sand opened his own bag of tiny chips and turned his head towards the TV where the news report was on.
"Are you finally getting nervous?", he asked, face still turned towards the monitor on the wall.
Nick thought about it. The last weeks were kinda hectic, overflowing with work and all-nighters, all in between the stress of moving into a new apartment and kind of keeping up his social life. It wasn't too bad, just a little much. There just wasn't enough space for his lingering (or non existent?) nervousness.
So, no. He hadn't been nervous at all during their weeks planning this ridiculous little trip or in the times he finally finished packing or in the moment they got comfortable on the plane or even now, shortly after arrival in the crappy hotel lobby.
Maybe now he could let himself be a little nervous.
"I think I haven't really processed that we're out of Thailand, to be honest. Well, I could let myself live in delusion a little more if it wasn't so goddamn cold in here. Do these people not have heating systems?"
Sand laughed and stood up, reaching down to hold out his hand to help Nick up.
"Let's go back to the room and change. After that we can actually start exploring the city for a bit. The exhibition isn't until later tonight, right?"
Nick nodded and trotted along to the elevator.
From his pocket he retrieved the little invitation that started this whole escapade.
A tiny flyer, just a single page, with an address, a name and a date on it.
stripped to the bone-
from boston to new york it said. Kind of a whack title, Ray had said. Corny and pretentious, Cheum had said. Nick had laughed and agreed.
Now that he thought about it, he could actually die of nervousness.
•
There was only so much you can do in half a day in the busiest place on earth, so they got Tickets for the Met (Sand insisted on going) and Nick spent his time pretending to care about art history more than he did before having a snack in the most expensive café Nick has ever visited.
He watched the people fly by the foggy window, some stressed, some relaxed, most of them with a grumpy expression. There also were a few couples passing by and Nick wondered what each of them had to go through to land in this exact moment, passing by a packed café in the hectic New York streets.
Sand squeezed his neck after a while and Nick woke up from his little daze.
"Ready to go? Or do you want to keep staring a little more?"
"No, I'm good. Let's get this over with, alright?"
They left with a generous tip and upon stepping outside in the crisp winter air, Nick really fucking wished that there was someone to hold him.
Dan was good at that. He was sweet, caring and sometimes a little too soft. It was nice. It was safe.
But Nick had never really been the one to play things safe, had he? So as soon as that little tiny paper dipped in red ink landed in his mail, it was settled. He initially wanted to go alone, leave one unsuspecting day without saying a thing to his friends and come back a week later with a clear head and a weight lifted off his shoulders.
Of course that wouldn't go as planned and because Ray was the only one of them that could make time for the brewing stupid idea, he decided to come along. "I've always wanted to see the capital of music anyways. Have you seen the record stores there??"
In retrospect, it would have been a dumb idea to tackle a city this big in a continent you've never been to all alone and Nick was really glad that his friends are so persistent.
"What do you want to say to him once we get there?", Sand asked with his usual caring expression that made Nick feel like he wasn't a desperate loser still hung up over his ex. (If one could even call that shithead an ex)
I've missed you. How have you been? Do you still think about me sometimes? When are you coming back? Do you want to fuck?
"I'll ask about his exhibition, I think. Gets the conversation rolling."
Sand nodded and Nick ignored the tiny upturn of his mouth.
•
"Do you think you can do it a little bit harder next time?", Nick asked with his head turned to the side so he could watch Dan's sleepy expression from the corners of his eyes.
The arms around him wrapped themselves tighter and he recieved a kiss on the neck.
"What, am I too soft for you?"
He was and Nick had already asked a couple of times for Dan to not be so considerate every time they fucked. It was sweet at first, something Nick didn't think he'd ever experience, something he needed to move on from the mess Boston left behind. And it was nice for a while. He liked Dan, a lot. And he liked his caring persona. But there was something missing most oodles the time, something that couldn't be replaced by sweet messages in the morning and lingering kisses on the cheek.
"You're fucked up in the head for wanting that mess in your life again", he said to himself in the mirror that day.
•
The exhibition was located in a spacey private gallery in the alley between a night club and a jazz bar. It was weirdly fitting for not only Boston, but also their friend group as a whole.
They showed their invitation letters to the guy at the front and were handed a tiny guide book and a flashlight.
The main room was dark. Almost pitch black, if it wasn't for the tiny red lamps above each picture frame that illuminated the photographs inside in a soft glowing red light.
"That actually looks a lot like Ton, don't you think?"
Nick thought about the times they made out in Ton's darkroom, all wet and messy and a little obscene with the eyes of countless people staring him down. As if they knew were this was going.
This time there was no Ton cornering him against a wall, cold tiles pressing into his back while he tried to get his clothes off. This time it was just him and Sand and the other visitors.
"Mh. It does. I think I know what the flashlights are for."
They got closer to a random photograph and upon closer inspection, Nick could make out a naked torso in what seemed to be a bedroom. The person was facing the wall so their face wasn't visible, but their arms were tied down onto the bed by a large rope.
Nick turned on the flashlight and held it against the picture frame. The filter on the glass turned the dim light blue and now the picture showed the same person in the bedroom again, now instead of a rope there was a second person holding their arms down in the same position.
Sand made an impressed sound at that and tried the flashlight on a different photograph.
"That's kinda impressive, I didn't think Ton's work would be this nice"
"Yeah, the title is kinda cheesy if I'm being honest. Let's see what else there is to see."
While wandering through the gallery room in the dark, Nick wondered how all of these pictures came to be. It surely wasn't a trophy wall again, with pictures from all of Boston's hookups but now with a more professional setup? If he was being entirely honest, that was very likely the case. It was still Boston, after all.
Maybe these people were only models. He's seen a few women among them and he wasn't sure Ton was into that. He could just ask him about it, if that guy decided to ever show his face. Or maybe he hadn't been looking well enough because he wasn't quite ready just yet.
So he linked arms with Sand and let himself enjoy the ambience a little more.
But of course, all good things have come to an end, especially when the place you're in is surrounded by the person you lose your sleep about.
He saw him in a corner after half an hour, immersed in a conversations with a few visitors. Next to him were to guys, each with a supporting arm over his shoulder.
He didn't seem to have spotted them just yet and before Nick could turn around on his heels, Sand had grabbed his arm and moved towards the tiny group of people from behind.
He was suddenly very hot in his coat and furry scarf and he wished that he would have just travelled alone.
"Did you hire all these people to be your models?", Sand asked in English when they were close enough to be heard by them.
Ton and his friends turned around to greet the new visitors and Nick moved his eyes with the speed of a snail on gravel as if he could drag out this moment just a little longer.
When his eyes met Ton's, he actually let out a little whine. It was quiet enough that he wouldn't die from humiliation, but Sand just squeezed his shoulders a little harder and pushed him forward.
Ton didn't do anything for a moment, just stood and stared at the two until one of his friends held out his hand. Nick stared at the outstretched hand and towards the guy it belonged to in a daze.
Sand shook it before he could realise that he hadn't paid attention at all.
"What are you guys doing here?", Boston said in English and his voice was incredibly small. Nick wanted to tackle him and squeeze him until he couldn't breathe.
"We're here for the art, of course. Didn't you invite us?"
Ton looked between the two and his eyes came to a rest on Nick.
"I didn't think you'd actually show up"
I didn't actually think I'd miss you this bad.
"Nice to see you, Ton", Nick finally said after staring him down like a wild hyena.
•
"I see you've made friends here. That's really good."
The rooftop was freezing cold and the thin seating pillows were soaked after just a couple of minutes.
Nick automatically shifted closer to the body next to him to search for warmth and Ton threw his part of the blanket over him.
"They're really great. Helped me a lot with the exhibition and stuff."
Nick stared at his face, traced his frosty lips and his reddened cheeks.
Ton rolled his eyes with a small smile.
"No, we didn't fuck. They are really just my friends. Straight as an arrow."
"That didn't stop you before once, did it?"
Ton stared, then he laughed and bumped his shoulder.
Nick wondered if they really hadn't talked in a year.
"How is everyone doing? How come only you and Sand showed up?"
"There actually had been discussions about all of us flying over for New Years, but then we got the exhibition invitation in the mail and I kind of snapped."
"Mh. Did you really want to come see me?"
"I think I did. It does get really boring without someone stirring shit up every once in a while."
Ton kept his light smile, but turned away his head to look at the rooftop view. The night was cloudy and cold, but the countless tiny lights inside the skyscrapers and buildings were clearly visible and created that dream-like atmosphere Nick had thought about when coming here.
"So I guess you're done with loving yourself first", he said quietly.
"Don't think I sat around miserable all day because you left. I had plenty of thinking time."
"Still with that Dan guy? The one that was slow-dancing with you in a bar where everybody was half his age?"
"Mh. He treats me well. I never have to worry about his whereabouts and if he wants to hold hands in public."
Ton nodded.
"Then why are you here?"
Suddenly his face was very close. He'd missed counting the moles on Ton's face right before they kissed and the way he would always scan his lips first, then his eyes.
Nick sighed and brushed against his nose. It was icy just like his own, affected by the ruthless cold.
"Do you remember what came after loving myself?"
Ton tilted his head so they were now perfectly aligned. His hands came to brush against his nape and his waist and he tightly squeezed, as if to make sure he was actually real.
"Aren't we just back to square one then?", Ton said against his lips with a sigh.
"A guy can dream. And what better place to do that than in New York?"
He could feel the smile on Boston's face as he came crashing down onto him like a tidal wave.
The cold was gone and all what was remaining where hot mouths and eager hands, pulling and pushing each other like feral cats.
Boston pushed him down onto the ground, kissing his neck, his cheek, his ear and Nick grabbed a handful of his hair to pull him down with him.
"I have a room just above the gallery", he said.
"Okay."
•
"I think I'm Polyamorous"
"What?"
Nick was still out of breath, just able to move his upper body to rest on top of Boston. He could hear his heightened heart beat in a comforting rhythm and closed his eyes to rest.
"That's those fancy words they use here. Told some of my photography friends what I was feeling and this is what they told me."
"So you're blaming your unresolved identity crisis as an excuse to be a shitty boyfriend?"
It wasn't quite serious, but Boston was quiet for a while.
"No. I just didn't know how to handle this. Handle you. Because I genuinely liked you. Still like you. That year didn't change anything. I just know a lot more about myself than I did before."
"That you are polyamorous?"
"That I wouldn't be satisfied with just one partner. And that I really would like to have my boyfriend back. And that both of these things together are selfish and I don't know how to choose one."
Nick moved his hand so it was resting on Ton's cheek. He traced along the lines of his nose and his lips until he reached his jaw. He locked his fingers in place and opened his mouth to place a kiss on there.
"It's only selfish if you don't let others know what you are doing. It's only selfish If your boyfriend doesn't know when he is going to find you in the next bathroom stall with your tongue down someone else's throat. If you do things on your own."
"You knew where this was going when you booked your flight. Why did you still come? You have someone good waiting for you at home. Don't ruin this because you feel guilty."
"You claim to know more now, but you still try to tell me how you feel. That's a little selfish, don't you think?"
Their legs were still entangled and the heat was now finally spreading into his whole body.
"I don't think I'll ever stop loving you. Can't help it, I guess. That's just how it's gonna be. But you can choose to not be an asshole this time and actually talk things out with me. My brain won't go haywire because you want to kiss someone else. It will go haywire because I don't know where I stand in this position. Just talk to me and we'll be fine."
Nick didn't quite know how he managed to say all of that without falling asleep on the spot, but Ton's hand on his waist reassured him that he had heard every single word.
"Soo that means..a threesome in the future?"
With that last bit of strengh remaining in him, he elbowed Boston in the rib.
•
There was a huge clock on the hallway, right above the elevator. In a way it was unnerving seeing the stiff movement of its arms, never stopping even once. What an existence, only having one single purpose in life, never deviating. Being useful without being really acknowledged.
Nick shoved his icy hands inside the hem of Boston's sweater and watched him squirm away, laughing. They only had two more days left in New York and Sand was close to getting himself a new hotel room.
"I knew this wouldn't end well", he told Ray on the phone with a sigh.
Nick watched as Ton put on winter coat and gloves and followed him outside.
Snow was softly falling onto their faces as they got out the door and Nick reached out to swipe it away from Ton's eyelashes.
"You look like Jack Frost"
"That ugly Snowman??"
"No, the hot one. With the stick"
"Oh, I can also show you my-"
"For fucks sake", Sand Interviened, who just came out the sliding lobby door behind them and together they headed north.
Nick didn't know where this was going. He had absolutely no fucking clue, as always. It could all come crashing down again by the time he reached his cramped office and looked Dan in the eye.
But it was good for now.