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Lucy gets the call on a Sunday night, it’s Ava’s second grade teacher and she sounds wrecked.
“Hi Mrs. Bradford. This is Ms Tyler, Ava’s teacher.” She says and Lucy frowns wondering why Ava’s teacher is calling on a Sunday night. “I’m sorry to both you this late but the principal has asked us to call the parents.”
“What’s going on?” Lucy asks. Tim looks over at her from where he is playing with twins on the floor. He furrows his brows at the tone in her voice.
“I am afraid I have bad news. Our art teacher Mrs. Hogan has passed away.” Says Ms. Tyler. Lucy gasps and looks over to where Ava is sitting on the couch coloring something. She’s humming to herself as she picks up another crayon. Lucy shakes her head and presses the palm of her hand to her eyes.
Ava loves her art teacher in fact Mrs. Hogan was the reason that Ava got into art. And she had gotten so much better at it and was constantly drawing stuff and coloring. Mrs. Hogan had even complimented Ava weeks earlier that she was good at drawing.
Tim comes over to where Lucy is sitting and puts a hand on her shoulder. “Thank you for letting us know.” Lucy says to Ms. Tyler.
“Just talk to Ava. We just don’t want it to be such a shock to the kids tomorrow morning.” Ms Tyler says.
“Of course.” Says Lucy and she hangs up the phone and turns to Tim standing up and motioning him out of the room. They pass by Ava and she’s still drawing and humming happily. Lucy has no idea how she’s going to explain this to her. She hasn’t had anyone die that was close to her. She knew Tim’s mom was gone, Jackson had died but she wasn’t there for that. She would actually be living through this.
Tim follows her out and she goes into his office and shuts the door. “Luce.” He says cautiously. “What’s going on?”
Lucy takes a deep breath and looks up to the ceiling her hands shaking as she lowers them to her side. “Ava’s art teacher Mrs.Hogan died.” She says and Tim takes a deep breath and then lets it out.
“Oh my—” He says and trails off like he’s not sure where to go.
“I know.” She says. “They asked us to talk to Ava.” Tim glances at the door and then back at Lucy.
“That was her favorite teacher.” He whispers. She nods and reaches out for his shirt and pulls him in.
“I know.”
Tim nods and gives her a kiss on the head and then goes to open the door. “Ava? Can you come here please.” Lucy hears Ava get up from the couch and she slips into the room with a bright smile on her face. Lucy heart breaks a little knowing they are about to hurt her little heart.
“Hi!” She says happily and she sits down in Tim’s chair and spins around. Tim stops her and looks at Lucy.
“Baby.” Says Lucy kneeling in front of her. “We have something to tell you.”
Ava looks between them. “Are you having another baby? Because I heard—”
“No!” Tim and Lucy both say at the same time. And they really needed to learn to be quieter.
“No Aves. It’s not that.” Lucy says and she pauses. “Baby, Mrs.Hogan your art teacher has died.” There’s stunned silence as Ava looks between them, her eyes big as she blinks them a few times.
“No.” Ava says. “I just saw her on Friday. She can’t be dead.” Tim moves forward and kneels down too.
“I know baby but—”
“No! You are lying! She can’t be gone!” Ava cries and Lucy reaches out to bring her in but she jerks away and stands up as big fat tears run down her face.
“Ava.” Says Tim. “Listen…”
“No! I have a project due! It’s due tomorrow and I finished it! She was excited to see it!” Ava says her voice shaking. “No! You aren’t suppose to lie.”
“Honey, we aren’t lying.” Lucy says gently. “Mrs. Hogan is gone. Ms Tyler—”
“She’s a liar too!” Ava cries and runs past them before they can stop her. They look at each other before they are going up the stairs. They hear a door slam just as they reach the top.
“She doesn’t understand.” Lucy mutters. “She’s eight. She doesn’t understand why..”
“I know.” Says Tim. He pulls Lucy to Ava’s room and knocks. There’s no answer but he pushes open the door.
Ava is at her desk ripping something up and throwing it all over her floor. “Ava!” Says Lucy before she can stop herself. Ava turns to her, her face red and puffy as she continues to rip.
“It was dumb! I would have failed!” She cries and then she gets up and kicks her chair before she falls into her bed sobbing.
Tim makes his way over first and sits down on her bed rubbing her back. “Baby, it’s okay.” He soothes.
“N-no w-why d-did s-he have to die? Sh-e..” Ava sobs into her pillow and Lucy makes her way over and pulls Ava up and sits up against her pillows pulling her daughter onto her lap. Ava curls up as Tim continues to rub her back.
“Sometimes people..die.” Tim starts and then winces a little at his words. “But it’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to cry and be upset. I know you loved Mrs. Hogan.”
Ava is silent as she hiccups in Lucy’s lap. “It’s not fair.” She mutters. “It’s not fair!”
Lucy bends down and kisses her head. Her heart breaking for her baby girl. She’s smart and she catches on to things fast but there’s somethings that will never make sense. Like her favorite teacher dying suddenly.
Heck even Lucy has trouble sometimes understanding why Jackson had to go so soon.and in the way that he did.
She couldn’t even imagine how an eight year old could comprehend that.
“I know.” Tim says. “But Mrs. Hogan cared about you sweetie and she would want you to keep going and keep drawing—”
Ava sits up abruptly almost knocking her chin with Lucy’s. “No!” She says almost angrily. “No I’m never drawing again!”
“Ava—” Lucy starts but Ava pushes her away and buries her head into her pillow. Tim continues to rub her back but Ava pushes him away too.
Lucy kisses her again and motions Tim out of the room. She leaves Ava’s door half opened and then falls into Tim’s arms. He catches her and holds her up, kissing her on the top of the head.
“Its okay baby. We will figure this out.” He whispers. “We will get her through this.”
And god she hopes he is right.
***
That night Lucy hears their door creak open and she sits up to see Ava standing in the doorway holding her bear she had since she was a baby. She clutches it to her chest.
“Mommy.” She whispers across the room and Lucy’s heart breaks as she motions for her to come get in bed with her. Ava climbs in between Lucy and Tim and lays her head on Lucy’s chest still clutching her bear.
“It’s okay baby.” Lucy whispers and Tim rolls over and kisses Ava softly and smoothes out her hair.
“I don’t want to go to school tomorrow.” Ava whispers her voice shaking. “It’s gonna be sad.”
“Yeah.” Says Lucy. “Everyone is going to be sad baby. But it’s going to be okay because you are going to remember the good times you had with Mrs. Hogan.”
Ava sniffs and snuggles into Lucy. “I’m sad.” She mumbles and Lucy looks over at Tim who is watching her closely.
“I know sweetie. Me too.” Lucy says quietly, soon she hears Ava’s breathing even out and she’s asleep.
Lucy rubs her back humming the song she and Tim both sang to her when she was a baby.
When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you
If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do
***
The next morning, both Tim and Lucy walk Ava in to school after dropping the twins off at daycare and Daisy off at her classroom. Ava walks between them as they approach her classroom. She clutches Lucy’s hand, as she peers inside the classroom. There are parents inside and all over the hallway.
“Come on baby.” Tim says leading Ava forward. “Come on.” They tug Ava forward and see Ms Tyler at her desk. Lucy smiles as Ava goes up to her and hugs her. Ms. Tyler nods at Tim and Lucy and motion them over.
“Mrs. Hogan’s room is down the hall. I’m having all the students draw something and leave it on her door.” She says.
Lucy looks over at Ava who is staring at the ground and twisting her fingers together. Lucy smiles and goes over to her. “Hey baby did you hear that? You can draw Mrs. Hogan something.”
Ava shakes her head, tears welling up in her eyes. “No.” She says. “I don’t want to.”
“Ava—” Starts Tim but Ava shakes her head stubbornly.
“I don’t want to.” She says again. Lucy sighs and tucks some hair behind her ear and kisses her. Ava walks over to her desk and sits down and shoves the paper on her desk into the desk and then puts her head on the desk.
Lucy sighs and goes over to with Tim behind her. “Baby, daddy and I are going to go. How about you try and draw something?”
“I’m never drawing again.” She mumbles. Lucy just sighs deeply and heads back to Ms. Tyler who is looking at Ava in concern.
“She doesn’t want to draw?” The teacher asks. “Ava loves to draw. Sometimes I have to ask her to stop so she will pay attention in class.”
Lucy nods glancing over at Ava who still has her head down. “She told us that last night. She ripped up her project. I think she’s just—”
“She’s grieving.” Ms Tyler said gently. “It’s okay. Everyone grieves differently and reacts differently. I know you two will help her through it and so will I.” Lucy smiles and nods and Tim takes her hand leading her out.
“Mommy!” Squeals a voice from behind her. Lucy turns to see Daisy running towards them. She attaches herself to Lucy and she picks her up.
“Hi baby.” Lucy says. “What are you doing out of class?”
“I was going potty.” She says and Lucy puts her down. Daisy looks up at Lucy and Tim. “I will look out for Ava. I know she’s sad.”
Tim bends down and gives Daisy a kiss before she’s skipping off to her class.
“Ava will be okay.” Tim whispers. “She hasn’t experienced a loss like this before.” Lucy nods and they walk out of the school.
She really hopes that they can get Ava through this.
***
Lucy picks Ava and Daisy up at school. Daisy hops in the car but Ava drags herself in. She’s holding a piece of paper in her hands and when she finally gets inside, she throws it to the ground.
“Hi girls.” Lucy says. Daisy replies but Ava doesn’t she turns around to look out the window. Lucy drives home and Daisy is running inside to see Tim and the twins. Ava gets out slowly leaving the piece of paper on the floor.
“What’s that sweetie?” She asks. Ava shrugs and slumps into the house. Lucy blows out a breath and picks it up.
It looks like a start of a drawing of Mrs. Hogan and it’s really good but it looks like Ava gave up on it.
Lucy clutches it to her chest and goes inside. She hears yelling right away and runs in to see Ava being held off by Tim while Daisy, Levi and June are on the other side. Daisy has tears in her eyes and Levi and June look confused.
“LEAVE ME ALONE!” Ava yells. “Please. I just want to be LEFT ALONE!” She ducks around Tim before he can say anything and runs up the stairs.
“Okay.” Says Lucy. “What happened?”
“I-I just wanted t-to m-make h-her f-feel better.” Daisy sobs. “She yelled.” Lucy gathers Daisy in her arms.
“Ava is hurting right now sweetie.” Lucy says gently. “She didn’t meant to yell.” Daisy nods but bries her face into Lucy’s shoulder. Lucy rubs her back and the twins come over and join her. They are only four but they know something is going on. Lucy sets Daisy on the couch and the twins climb up beside her.
“I’m going to go talk to your sister. Okay? You stay down here with daddy.” They nod and Tim gives her a small nod when she looks at him.
Lucy goes up to Ava’s room and knocks but it’s quiet. She pushes the door open. Ava is at her desk with a pencil in hand. She turns to look at Lucy and then turns back around.
“Hi sweetie.” Lucy says and she sits down on a chair next to Ava. “What are you doing?”
“The school counselor said it’s good to get our feelings out. And I’m trying to draw.. but I can’t. This is how I get my feelings out.” She says softly. “Mrs. Hogan taught me that.” Lucy smiles and kisses the top of her her daughter’s head.
“That’s good baby.” Lucy says. “What do you want to draw?” Ava shrugs.
“I’m sorry I yelled.” Ava says. “I’m just sad.” Lucy smiles and rubs her back.
“It’s okay. But Ava you can talk to me and dad how about how you feel. Don’t bottle it up inside. Don’t give up drawing, Mrs. Hogan wouldn’t want that.” Lucy says. “She knew how talented you were.”
“I’m not that good.” Ava mutters. Lucy turns her so she’s facing her.
“You are good. And you love it Aves. I know you do and I know you don’t want to give it up. I know this hard but Mrs. Hogan was placed in your life for a reason. She cared about you and she even told me how good you were.” Lucy says. She knows this is hard to process for Ava, knows it will be a while until she understands.
“I love you.” Ava says. “I just don’t want to feel this hurt anymore.” Lucy gathers her in her arms and Ava climbs on her lap willingly even if she’s a little too big.
“I love you too baby. And your dad. And your siblings love you too. We are here for you.” Lucy says. Ava wraps her arms around Lucy’s neck and holds on tightly.
“Okay.”
“How about you keep drawing your picture? And we can have a little movie night later.” Lucy says.
“Okay.” Ava says. She hugs Lucy tighter and then slides off and goes back into her chair.
Lucy smiles as she gets up, relived that she knows Ava is going to be okay.
***
The next day, Lucy walks Ava in again and Ms Tyler approaches her. Ava runs off to her desk and Lucy smiles. Ava started to get back to normal last night and she seemed like herself, it was 100% but she was getting there.
“I just wanted to let you know the Hogan family is opening up the visitation to the students and their families.” She says. “They know how much Mrs. Hogan was loved by the students. You don’t have to come of course but it’s tomorrow night. I will send out a message with the details.”
“Thank you.” Says Lucy sincerely looking over at Ava who is doodling on a piece of paper. Ms Tyler nods and heads off to talk to another parent. Lucy heads over to Ava who looks up.
“I will see you after school okay baby?” Lucy tells her. Ava nods and Lucy heads out the door.
Lucy catches Tim just as he’s walking in. “Hey. So the Hogan family opened up the visitation for students and families.”
“Do you think Ava can handle it?” He asks worry ringing his voice.
“I think she can.” Lucy says. “I really do.” Tim smiles down at her, and touches her arm gently.
“We will ask Ava what she wants to do.” He says. “But I think it will be good for her.”
Lucy nods feeling the pain of this whole thing being lifted. “Yeah I agree.”
***
They do talk to Ava about the visitation and she has questions as Lucy knew she would.
“What do we do there?” She asks. Lucy looks over at Tim and then back at Ava.
“It’s just a time to reflect on your time with Mrs. Hogan and her friends and family. You visit and you pay respect to Mrs. Hogan.”
“Oh.” Says Ava. “Can I give her something?”
“Maybe you can give it to her family.” Lucy says and Ava nods. “What are you giving her?”
Ava flushes a little. “It’s not done yet.” She says. “When’s the visitation?”
“Tomorrow evening.” Says Lucy. Ava nods and stands up and hurries away. “Well I better finish it!”
Lucy laughs a little happy to see her baby getting back to normal.
“She’s resilient.” Says Tim coming over to put his hand on Lucy’s leg. “She’s going to be just fine.”
***
The visitation is early in the evening and they get there to see a crowd of people going in. Ava holds Tim’s hand while Daisy holds Lucy’s. The twins stayed behind with Genny, Lucy figured this would be a little much for them.
They get inside and Lucy sees several of Ava’s classmates. She glances over at her oldest daughter who is clutching something in her other hand. Lucy looks towards the front and sees Mrs. Hogan’s family shaking hands with the people going by, a urn behind them. They get in line and Ava is waiting patiently by Tim’s side. Daisy is looking around curiously, this probably is a lot for her six year old mind.
They finally get to the front where a young woman is standing. She smiles at them and then down at Ava who is now shyly hiding behind Tim’s legs.
“Hi. I’m Marie. Mrs. Hogan’s daughter.” She says. “What’s your name?” Ava peeks out her head.
“Ava.” She says quietly. Marie smiles at her and bends down so she’s eye level with her.
“That’s a pretty name. What do you got there?” She points to the paper in Ava’s hand. Ava swallows and hands her the picture.
“It’s for Mrs. Hogan.” Ava says quietly. Marie takes it and looks at it, a smile blooming across her face.
“You are Ava Bradford huh? My mom talked about you all the time! She said you were a good artist and a sassy little thing.” Marie says and Ava blushes. Lucy just shakes her head.
“This is so good Ava.” Says Marie and Lucy sees the picture. It is good, it’s a picture of Mrs. Hogan and Ava. “My mom would be so proud of you. Keep drawing okay?”
Ava nods and goes back to Tim’s side. Lucy thanks her and they go find a quiet corner. “I’m so proud of you Ava.” Says Lucy. “You are doing a good job. I know having a loss like this isn’t easy.”
Ava nods and Lucy sees tears filling her eyes. “I wish she was here.”
“I know. But you have to remember the good times and remember everything she taught you.” Tim says. “That’s how you keep her memory alive. That’s how you remember her.”
Ava nods and Lucy gathers her in a hug along with Daisy and Tim.
Their kids were going to experience loss and hurt because that was a part of life. But Lucy knew of they were together, they would get through it together.
And they would. Always. Together.