Chapter Text
Satoru has helplessly, idiotically liked Suguru since he preached about climate change in front of the school when they were freshmen (06/11/2023 08:00a.m.). No, Satoru doesn't give a flying fuck about the increase in natural disasters. Blargh. Boring. But Suguru, he made a 7 minute speech about *pukes* melting ice glaciers worth listening to.
Satoru had been attempting to doze off while standing for the stupid morning assembly. But the Suguru walked onstage and all of Satoru's sleepiness just vanished.
Raven black hair tied neatly into a bun, back straight as a ramrod, he walked with large strides, carrying all the confidence in the world as if he were the future president of the USA. Okay. Bad choice of words. Presidents of the USA usually suck. Anyways you get the point.
His long, pale fingers wrapped around the mic (Oh God how dearly Satoru wished he were the mic) as he hummed into it, voice deep and soothing. Woah, Satoru nearly bust a nut. He has a handsome face and a sexy voice??? Dammit. His position as the school's most popular man might get threatened.
And thus began Suguru's speech. With each syllable he spoke, Satoru's crush grew impossibly larger. Suguru had a special kind of fiery passion that radiated off him.
A kind of self-righteous passion that made even Satoru want to read up on climate change and start bringing reusable cloth bags to the supermarket. A kind of self-righteous passion that made Satoru want to question him why the fuck should they care about climate change when that responsibility should be on oil companies.
A kind of self-righteous passion that made Satoru want to run up to the podium and make out with him in front of the entire school. And enjoy the outraged cry of Suguru's fangirls. A kind of self-righteous passion that made Satoru want to deck him in the face. Okay. Maybe not. Suguru's face was a national treasure to be protected. Sculpted by the greek gods.
Satoru would later recount the story of how he "met the love of his life" to Shoko at every available opportunity.
("Satoru, you're eating a bun for lunch today?" "Yeah. You know who else has a nice bun?? Suguru. His bun was so neat, his hair must be woven out of the finest silk—— Shoko where are you going——")
By the end of the year, she could recite every minor detail of their "fated day", e.g. how the light reflected off Suguru's bangs. However Shoko was pretty sure Satoru couldn't even SEE said bangs, not with the distance of a goddamn basketball court between the podium and Satoru's seat.
("I can FEEL his chakra." "Please die.")
A year passed. His stupid crush is still there. No matter how much time Satoru spends telling himself in the mirror that his infatuation was stupid as fuck, the next day when they pass by each other in the hallways Satoru still wants to combust on spot.
It's truly a peculiar experience. Especially if Suguru is within a 5 metre radius. Satoru's nerves feel as if they have been coated in flour and deep fried at 4900 degrees Celsius. Sirens and wedding bells going off all at once in his head. He feels like he could die of cardiac arrest.
Hm. Maybe that wouldn't be a bad idea. If Satoru fainted in front of Suguru, then Suguru being the nice guy he was would definitely run to save him.
Maybe he would even perform CPR on Satoru. Close the distance between them. Slot their mouths together. Breathe his warmth into Satoru's lungs. Satoru would awake and stare into his eyes lovingly. They could have their Snow White and her Prince Charming moment. And then they could marry each other afterwards. Yup. Satoru is done for.
("Ew. Quit smiling." Shoko kicks Satoru in the shin, but it only earns her an even wider smile. )
So, to say Satoru was ecstatic when he found out that he and Suguru were going to be in the same class in the new school year was an understatement.
"I can totally charm him into asking me out by inhaling oxygen. Like. My face is. Woah. Worldwide handsome. He'd be stupid not to fall for me." Satoru leans onto the window and winks at his reflection.
As good-looking as always. People have always told him his eyes had the galaxy in them and he totally agrees. Hm. For all the bullshit the Gojo clan gave him, at least they gave him nice genes.
"Mm yeah totally. He's totally going to confess his love to you by the first day. Totally." Shoko drawled absent-mindedly as she flipped to the next page of her biology textbook.
A week passed. Satoru and Suguru have noteven made eye contact with each other.
"Told you so." Shoko looked far too smug when Satoru started whining about the lack of interaction he had with Suguru, especially when Suguru was on chatting-terms with 80% of the class.
It wasn't like Satoru was jealous of the other classmates. It's just that he didn't think the other classmates deserved that much of Suguru's attention.
Unfortunately for Satoru, Suguru talked to people that weren't Satoru a lot.(i.e. 100% of the time). And Satoru wanted to beat someone up every time.
("Fucking hell Satoru tone it down." Shoko hissed.
"You're glaring daggers way too hard in Suguru's direction."
"No. I need to scare the people who are talking with Suguru off with the weigh of my stare. He is MinE!!" Satoru hissed with the ferocity of a feral tomcat defending their turf from an army of cockroaches.
Shoko treated Satoru like a stranger for the rest of the day, until Satoru did the dogeza and bought her a pack of cigarettes as a peace offering.)
"Charm him into asking you out by the first day. Huh. Currently Geto probably doesn't even know your name. Seems like your charms aren't working." Shoko put her noice-cancelling headphones on, ignoring the protests from Satoru. Life is good when you get to jab Satoru about his bitchlessness.
Indeed, Suguru does not know Satoru's name.
Today was a lovely bright sunny day. Satoru was about to walk out of the bathroom peacefully. At the same time, Suguru walked into the bathroom peacefully. Satoru suddenly has two left feet.
Luckily for Satoru, there also happened to be a banana peel on the floor that he stepped on because he was too busy admiring the slope of Suguru's nose to look at the floor.
(What godfucking highschooler eats jesus fuck FUCK bananas in the fucking toilet. Satoru was going to hunt them down and marry their mother.)
Satoru, who figure skated as a hobby and has never tripped on land in his entire life before, felt his legs slip out from under him.
Splat. Satoru landed flat on his ass. It is unfortunate Satoru does not have a juicy ass to increase the impact time and decrease the average force exerted by the ground onto his buttocks.
"Are you okay, Goto?"
"..."
A pause.
"Are you okay, Gogo?"
Amazing. He thinks my name is Gogo Satoru. Gogo. Satoru. Oh, that, and the first time my crush talks to me, and we're finally having a conversation that I've been agonizing over so much, it's because I slipped like a dumbass, twice and is currently lying unmoving on the bathroom floor. My crush called me by the wrong namr twice too. Fuck my life. Satoru suddenly wants to set fire to the school. But before that, Suguru just talked to him and he has to respond.
"...Who the fuck is Goto, Gogo whatever. My name is Gojo, Gejou-chan. Maybe remember your classmates' names next time." Oh. Amazing. That wasn't what he meant to say at all. Satoru's mouth just ran off on its own. Amazing. Goto/Goro-kun stays faceplanted on the floor.
"Oh. Really sorry, Gojo-kun. I must've misheard the teachers. " Satoru could hear the barely masked annoyance dripping from Suguru's voice. Oh great. He hates me. Wayyy to impress your crush. Satoru doesn't move.
"Anyways, do you need the sick room?" Suguru tries again to communicate normally.
"No. I may be mentally sick in more ways than one but I'm physically fine." Satoru can feel his ears becoming hot.
"Oh. Um. I can definitely tell. Do you at least want to get up from the floor first?"
"NO." Satoru says a bit too loudly. Crap. Satoru thinks he's even more mentally ill now. Suguru wasn't supposed to witness his insanity first hand.
"Are you -"
"NOOOOOO." Satoru practically wails.
"...Pfft." Wait was that Suguru's laugh?
"Are you sure?"
"No but please leave."
"...Sure." With that, Suguru left. The door closes.
Gogo-kun's brain restarts. He gets up from thr floor successfully. His brain replays the dialogue.
Wow, what an amazing way to impress your crush by lying on the bathroom floor and insulting him!
Satoru screams.
A dude walks in, looking mildly concerned.
"I just took my physics exam." Satoru lies.
The guy's eyes fills with realization, sadness, then pity. Satoru has the urge to faceplant into the floor again.
To be fair, Satoru can't blame Suguru for not knowing him. It has been two days since they were put in the same class. But being rational in relationship matters like these has never been Satoru's strong suit.
That night, Satoru curls up into a ball under his covers. Just when he was about to fall asleep, the bathroom scene replays itself in his head again. Satoru suddenly doesn't want to sleep anymore. He lies awake for another couple hours before finally falling asleep.
Satoru would love to pretend nothing happened. But the next day, as Satoru walks back into the classroom, Suguru sees him, they make eye contact, and Suguru goes,"Ah, Gojo-kun." and suddenly Satoru thinks all his embarrassment was kind of worth it. Suguru just spoke to him. He had just received compensation from the Gods for fucking up his Suguru's first impression of him.
"Honestly at this point I have nothing left to lose, maybe I should embarrass myself more so Suguru notices me." Satoru sighs to Shoko, who wasn't even listening.
"Wait."Satoru blinks. Suddenly Satoru's eyes light up in a way that could only mean "behold, I am about to spew the most outlandish shit now".
"BINGO! Maybe I should embarrass myself more!" Satoru exclaims! :0
"How did you arrive to this conclusion?" Shoko is going to have a migraine.
"Okay, hear me out : I embarrass myself, he remembers my name. If I embarrass myself even more, would he remember my birthday too? And then would he send me a birthday message? And then eventually we can marry and adopt 2 daughters, a cat AND a dog." Satoru deadpans.
"You're embarrassing yourself enough. "
"Not enough for him to fall in love with me."
Shoko pukes.
"Also you know what. HE WAS DOING FUCKING GAUSSIAN ELIMINATION ON THE BLACKBOARD AND SOMEHOW THAT WAS THE HOTTEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN" Satoru grabs Shoko's ear and screams into it.
Shoko is going to be homphobic from today onwards.