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The piano keys shone with the sunlight that seeped through the window. It enticed those around to have the slightest touch, to hear its melody, and relish in the tune.
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Toya stares at the piano in his room, thinking of how clean it is after so long. Maybe because of the cloth that previously covered it, which now laid on the floor.
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“It's tomorrow.” His voice carries a bit of resentment as it hovers in the small space, breaking the silence for a moment, before the room is engulfed in silence once more.
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It stings. A dull pain that lingers insistently. The piano still shines as brightly as ever, yet Toya couldn't bring himself to hate the instrument. Not even because of everything it makes Toya remember. Not when his mind is too busy thinking about the past.
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I'll be independent tomorrow.
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After tomorrow, I can live anywhere I want, work anywhere I want, and go anywhere I want.
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For you, who looked so lonely back then. For you, who also looked forward to each summer as much as I did. For you, who never had the chance to leave that forest. I wanted to live close to you.
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You, the main reason why I looked forward to every summer. I wish you would come back to me this winter. I wish you were here with me to celebrate. I wish we could talk about anything and still laugh like there is no tomorrow, uncareless of the consequences that the tomorrow would bring to the both of us.
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Now, the summer is only a constant reminder of what I once had. It's not the same without you. It's funny how after all these years, Toya still feels like there is something still missing within himself.
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Three years passed since I last spoke to you, and twelve years since we met.
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Toya closes his eyes, and listens to the buzzing of cicadas. Despite the slowly growing piles of snow outside around the streets of the busy town, his chest feels warm. Like laying in the grass with the sun bathing your skin without a care in the world, somewhere far, far away from the noises of the city and cars.
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I wished to spend forever with you. No matter how absurd it sounds, no matter the condition you were put in, it's all true.
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Like the naive child I was back then, I felt myself being pulled back to you everyday. No matter how much time passed, I still wish you were here with me all the same.
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Instead of lessening, it's as if that hole of something only gets wider as time ticks by. Time was supposed to heal, but for Toya, it's just doing the opposite.
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The piano bench is soft as Toya sits on it, creaking with his weight in the deafening silence of his room. With fingertips trailing each key, he presses down on a particular white spot, and this time it takes longer for the silence to return.
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Another key is pressed before it does, then another, another, and another, so sudden that the room is filled with noise. His hands know the right keys to be pressed and when to do so better than his mind does. Not that he could if he tried. It's all been a blur ever since that fateful night.
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Time flies.
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… It was a warm and sunny summer day. The cicadas were buzzing and rustling with life.
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“Ah… Where…”
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A turn to the left, to the right, to his back, and to the front…
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It's all the same…!
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Panic settles deep inside Toya's chest and his brain short circuits. If he doesn't make it back as soon as possible then he's in trouble.
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The leaves ruffle in a gentle yet alluring sound as a particularly strong wind current passes by, yet Toya's frantic mind doesn't register — He wasn't supposed to be here in the first place. Toya was supposed to be practicing piano back at his Uncle's home.
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The realization makes him panic even more. But he tried to leave, yet he just couldn't find the way out. Dad was going to see he's missing, ask Uncle, and then Toya would be doomed by the time he got back.
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Toya felt weak, and so he fell to his knees with his head low. Despite the running and panicked thoughts swirling in his mind and the knot that just got tighter and tighter each passing second, not a single tear fell from silver eyes.
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It was so much that Toya almost didn't hear a second, unknown voice. “Are you lost?”
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The boy flinches as he is forced to push these thoughts away, thinking that the voice would be familiar and he'd recognize, but the smallest bit of relief spikes once he doesn't.
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Toya raises his head and looks around, but all he sees is green.
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In the midst of the mess in his chest, surprise surpasses it all once he catches white.
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A mask, he sees, and then a body. A boy.
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The kitsune mask stared back at Toya from a few meters away, half of it hidden by a tree trunk in an ominous silence that was occasionally interrupted by the rustle of leaves. The poor boy can hear his heartbeat quickening as the stranger stares.
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As if sensing the looming distraught in the boy's mind, the mask moved just like the half-hidden body did.
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And, how weird, Toya first thought. These clothes are distinctly different from the ones he's grown accustomed to. Not only that, but for someone to be using those in a forest that surrounds the mountain god… Where…
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Toya blinks. Wait, is he a yokai?
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“Are you lost, human?” The boy that seemed to carry the summer wherever he stepped repeats, now standing only a few feet away from Toya, still keeping that safe distance, but Toya can feel the warmth emanating from the other the same way he would if closer.
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“Are you a yokai?” The human asks instead, something flashing in his eyes at the thought of meeting a mythical being.
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The Fox tilts his head — Fox, since Toya cannot see the face behind that Kitsune mask — and lowers himself to his knees.
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“What do you think?”
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What is this, a game of questions? Where are the answers?
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“I… Am lost,” Toya meekly admits, staring straight into where the eyes of the mask are, also catching a mop of soft auburn hair. “And I can't go back home.”
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Erasing all the odds away, Toya doesn't feel fear from bumping into a yokai.
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The Fox hums, and then stands up. “I can bring you to the exit.”
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Hope pours, and Toya's lips curl up before he knows it. “Really?” A small change.
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“Really,” The Fox confirms, grabbing a twig. He extends the other end to Toya, and for a moment, the human is confused. “Pick the other side and let me help you.”
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His gaze slides down the twig, from the Fox's hand to the other end. “Why can't I hold your hand instead?” He couldn't help but ask. Never once had Toya seen someone navigate like this — A weird choice.
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“If you touch me, I will vanish.”
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Weird, indeed.
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The Fox notices Toya's hesitance, and he continues. “To vanish means to disappear. To disappear means to be obliterated, and that's not nice, you see?”
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“Why?” Toya asks in a small, curious voice.
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The Fox raises his mask. “The mountain god laid a curse upon me. That means, I cannot be touched by a human, like you.” The tip of the twig touches Toya's forehead, and Toya assumes that the boy must be feeling slightly annoyed at the questions under that Kitsune mask. “Now, grab.”
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Toya looks up at the Fox mask, at the twig. He raises his hand and holds the other end in a firm grip. Toya couldn't find it in himself to protest. If that's what the Fox says, then so be it, even if he wishes to ask more.
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The Fox pulls the stick up together with Toya, and so, they start their way back.
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Being the naive child that he is, Toya couldn't help but steal a few glances at the Fox. The Kitsune mask, the strange choice of the lively yet uncharacteristic clothes, and the… Shoes. It doesn't make sense. Each small detail is more visible up close, like the designs in his orange robes.
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“Are you afraid of me?” The Fox suddenly asks as if sensing the human's gaze, and Toya almost jumps from how concentrated he was moments ago.
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“No,” Toya replies. “Should I?”
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“What do you think?” The Fox repeats, and Toya sees how the Fox previously evaded the question of if he is a yokai or not.
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“I think that you are a nice person. You're helping me go back, even if I don't know what you are.”
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“I am a mountain spirit,” The Fox catches the boy's unasked question nevertheless. “And not all spirits are like me. You should go, and never come back.”
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The spot that Toya came from is gradually getting closer and closer, and he realizes that their time is slowly coming to an end. Nevertheless, the Fox continues to walk at a calm pace, so as to not burden Toya's already sore legs.
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So, not a yokai. But not human either.
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“Hm,” Toya doesn't know what to say, maybe the Fox is right — Their time is running out, and that information is soon shelved away. “I thought you were a human.”
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“How so?”
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“Your appearance is like the one of a human,” Toya glances at the spirit once again, he couldn't help his curiosity. “But spirits are not that different from humans, I guess.”
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The Fox hums, and their conversation ends. Toya feels hypervigilant towards the forest now that there is nothing to focus on, waving the twig around a bit, feeling how the spirit holds the other end firmly.
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The wind blows on his face, and then — “I am Toya.”
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Silver eyes glance expectantly at the Kitsune mask that has been looking straight forward all this time, letting the chance for the spirit to introduce himself stay, but it never comes.
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The spirit is tall, so tall that Toya can see the sunlight beaming upon that orange hair in shiny streaks that cascaded down the curls and bumped to the ground.
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The Fox stays silent all the way back, gently tugging the twig for Toya to let go once they arrive. The child does, but his attention is still focused at the Fox as he throws the twig away.
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The silence prolongs itself as Toya stares at the Fox's back for an unknown amount of time, until that Kitsune mask turns around.
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“If I tell you my name, will you leave this forest and never come back?”
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That's honestly a question that Toya doesn't know the answer to. Morally, he shouldn't, yet he couldn't see himself agreeing to these conditions.
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Even with the temporary thought of Father noticing Toya's absence away, Toya knew that this decision was not up to himself. Toya looked at that Kitsune mask, remembered its patterns, and somehow felt as if there must be more to it than meets the eye.
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A spirit, but kind nevertheless. Toya doesn't have any friends other than Saki and Tsukasa, and while it is peculiar to have a spirit as a friend, Toya wants the Fox to be his third.
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He wants to know the spirit better.
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Toya blinks, noticing how he still hasn't replied. An apology rests at the tip of his tongue despite the Fox's patient silence and unmoving muscles.
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“I'm not sure,” The human truthfully replies. There is no use in lying to a spirit, even with how much he wishes to know. “But I want to come back here.”
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The Fox is silent once again. Almost unnoticeably, the Fox lowers his head. Maybe Toya noticed it so clearly because he's been staring so intensely at the red lines around the Kitsune's eyes and cheeks.
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“Akito.”
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“Huh?”
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“My name. I won't repeat.”
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Toya's eyes widened in acknowledgement. Before he knows it, his body dives forward with a hand reaching for the spirit. “It's nice to meet you, Aki—!”
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Except that Akito ducks to the left, and Toya touches the air as the orange shifts in the blink of an eye. It takes a moment, but he remembers Akito's words, and Toya realizes that he got a bit too excited to forget such an important line — In the end, all that he manages is a small little ‘oh.’
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“The sun is disappearing. You should go.” Akito's voice remains firm, as if Toya didn't just try to touch him just now.
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Toya looks up, noticing how the sunlight that peeked in-between the leaves is now as orange as Akito's hair.
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There isn't much time to dwell, however, as a loud voice resonates around the forest.
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“Toya!”
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This time, Toya does indeed flinch. “I-I'm going, but I'll be back! Bye, Akito!” Toya waves as he begins to descend the long stairs of the mountain in hurried steps.
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His heart beats loudly from the adrenaline of both meeting a spirit and finally being able to go back home. The stairs do little to ease his mind of the excitement, making the little child step down faster and faster instead.
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Uncle's worried expression eases into one of relief as Toya descends, and by the end of the stairs, he's truly safe.
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“Whoa!” Strong arms catch his body before Toya could fall face first into the mud, and from the sudden stop, the burn in his legs from the unusual exercise is more noticeable. He almost thinks he would indeed fall, had it not been for Uncle. “There you are. How did you find your way back in such a vast forest?” Uncle chuckles, as if not minding Toya's sudden disappearance.
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Silver eyes drift to the other end of the stairs, up the mountain, but Akito is nowhere to be seen. No Kitsune mask that looked down upon them.
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“I wandered, and eventually found the way.” He easily lies, muscles relaxing as Uncle's smile stretches to one of slight disbelief, but he brushes it off.
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“Dinner is ready. Let's go back.”
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It's hard to forget the spirit, even when the moon has reached its highest point in the starry sky.
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Toya blinks as he stares up at the ceiling, tucked in his bed. The house is totally silent save for the howling of the cold air and the clinking of wind chimes on the first floor.
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Restless. He is restless.
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Ignoring the soreness of his wrist and fingers as they press against the soft mattress to sit, the boy looks out the window — To the moonlight, the nature.
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“Akito,” The name rolls off his tongue nicely. Toya props his arms on the open window, splays his hand over the finely carved wood, and tries again. “Akito.”
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It's a nice name, he didn't get the chance to tell its owner. They didn't have much time to get to know each other better, nor did Toya try to ask in the small fraction they had.
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“Akito…”
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He pauses, and realizes what he last said before storming past the toriis and leaving Akito alone. He promised to come back.
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It's not good to break promises, his Mother once told him, and Toya accidentally made one on his way back. Does that mean that if he returns, Akito won't be mad that his warnings were muttered in vain?
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It makes sense. It should be enough. With a slowly growing wonder protruding from his mind, Toya looks up at the moon, and he thinks that the white reminds him of that Kitsune mask.
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He could thank Akito properly tomorrow. Their last interaction was too quick to be considered a goodbye. Plus, deep down, he wishes to trail further into the forest.
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Akito could be bored right now. He could be staring at this same moon from some part of the forest.
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“… How do spirits pass the time, anyway?"
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After the last step, Toya sighs. The sun is so hot that he fears he might melt in place. His legs ache so hard that if he takes one step back, he would probably lose balance and roll all the way back.
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His vision blurs at the thought of turning around and checking, for these stairs are anything but small.
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Toya should look for Akito instead. And he does, looks around for any hint of orange, and finds it weird but at the same time expected once there is none. Maybe he should go explore a bit?
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The path he had walked with Akito yesterday looks the same, and so does the grass, the trees, and the chirps of birds. The uneasiness in his chest never settles itself completely, always swaying around for every step further, but Toya manages just fine after the fifth and no occurrences.
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There's also a slight weariness at the idea of walking alone again, but this isn't so bad after all. He just has to be a bit careful…
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“Huh. You really did come back.”
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Toya flinches so hard that he thinks his grip on reality tumbles a bit. The boy immediately stops, head snapping to look at a… Torii?
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This one's different from the rest. Unlike the vivid red toriis that loomed over the grand forest's stairs, this one's a bit more worn out and covered in a dull red that probably darkened over the years. Toya's gaze slid up, eyes glazing over paper seals plastered onto wood and ropes hanging in the upper parts.
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It looks… Ominous.
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“I thought I said this forest is dangerous.” Akito continues from under the lonely torii, arms crossed as if reprimanding Toya, but his voice lacks any of the stern tone. It is only then that his focus snaps back to the present.
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“Yet you waited for me.” Toya calmly retorts, tilting his head curiously at Akito. He doesn't feel fear despite the slight shiver that runs down his spine at the sight.
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“I had to see with my very own eyes. What brings you back here?”
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“I figured that you must feel lonely, so I came back.” It's not a lie. Toya pondered about it for longer than he would like to admit. “And I promised to.”
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Toya also feels lonely. He still wants to befriend Akito, if not more than before. So much so that he would have somebody to talk to when Saki or Tsukasa aren't around.
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Like this summer.
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Perhaps, it's a feeling, but Akito looks like a lively spirit. If the colors that he adorns and the loud voice that he possesses are anything to go by.
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Akito stays silent. Toya realizes that Akito does it often, and the human wonders what expression Akito makes under that mask each time, or what he's thinking in order to do that. “I see.” He eventually mumbles, uncrossing his arms, and suddenly Toya breathes a bit better.
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“Let's go. I'll bring you somewhere.” Akito motions to follow as he turns around, behind the torii, and Toya does.
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“If you get lost though, I am not bringing you back.”
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It's fine. It'll be fine.
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Akito leads Toya to a more secluded part of the forest. More fresh, more lively. The buzzing of cicadas and the green of nature up close is all that Toya sees and hears, and though it is the same setting as yesterday, he feels a bit safer since Akito is here. If he breathes in hard enough, he smells something that isn't nature.
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“A human child…” Something growls, and Toya stops as that thin thread of peace snaps. Akito, however, continues to walk in front of him as if nothing just spoke.
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Just like before, Toya looks around, seeing countless shades of green before he locks onto black. A black, mushy moving thing, hiding half of its body behind a tree. Toya holds down the urge to shiver once he squints and sees an eye looking straight at him from beneath all that mud.
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Another spirit?
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“Leave, you're scaring the kid.”
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”You should know better than everyone else the consequences of tangling yourself with one of them, Akito.” That big, round eye shifts to Akito. Its voice is so deep that Toya thinks the ground shakes.
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“I know.” Is all Akito says.
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“Yet you easily dismiss my warnings.”
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“That, I do.”
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Toya patiently listens to the interaction, eyes shifting between the two (one?) entities, albeit a bit sheepishly with him being the main topic.
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It's short, Toya couldn't see much. The silence is back again.
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The creature growls as if losing a stare contest against that Kitsune mask angers it further than it should, but it shifts backwards nevertheless. “Stubborn child…”
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“...”
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“Don't touch him, human.” It growls and glares one last time at Toya before disappearing out of thin air. Toya feels a shiver on his right side, and Akito is suddenly back to walking when he turns, now farther than ever.
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He skips rocks down the path, quickly catching up to Akito, who has been walking calmly all this time. “I won't touch you.” He repeats, reassures, and hopes that Akito won't rethink his choice. He doesn't want to leave just yet.
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The Kitsune mask turns, then lowers, steps never faltering. “Don't worry about it.” Akito simply brushes it off, and just like that they're back to their path. Toya doesn't know if that's good or bad, nor does that peaceful moment return throughout all the rest of their small trip.
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If that's so, can entities touch Akito? A thought pops up.
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Toya gulps, and ignores the sudden pang of jealousy that swells within his chest. So quick to get attached.
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Despite the low warnings from the many other entities that lived in the same place, Akito continued to entertain Toya: walking, talking, and sometimes playing. Toya wasn't the kind to play much, perhaps due to the environment where he grew up, and he wonders if Akito is fine with that, even if the spirit wasn't one to speak much either.
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“Your reactions are curious, have you never gone out to a forest before?” Is what Akito said when Toya poked at the core of his worries, never fully grabbing it and rolling it out of his sleeve. Akito had thrown another question his way instead. Not about his thoughts, but Toya's life. It's not like Toya has much to tell either. The piano and the school's bland walls are really everything that he's ever truly known.
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Toya was never one to be the main talker, being shy and not feeling comfortable to have attention kept on him for too long at school and home, but he feels like he turns into one when talking with Akito. He doesn't feel uncomfortable, nor does he mind, not at all, because Akito hums and comments on each topic that Toya can muster, giving but at the same time not — and that's enough. Should be enough. Time ticks, and Akito's backstory continues to be nothing but a blur. Toya watches but never helps the slow swell of weird feelings starting to bubble at the back of his mind.
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Some entities are friendly. Akito's friends, he later finds out, and maybe Akito isn't as lonely as Toya originally thought. He's yet to find one that is dangerous like Akito mentioned. The closest to that criteria would be the muddy creature.
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But, even with that creature, Toya feels the contrary. It's like they all simultaneously care about Akito more than they care about themselves each time they repeat the same thing, lay down the same warning, before drifting away.
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Do not touch him.
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Toya won't. He's been set on that ever since he accidentally tried to touch Akito.
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“Do you have a hobby? You seem like the quiet type.” Akito asks one day, laying beside Toya in a vast field of dandelions. The sun is nice, the dandelions brushing against his face even more, and it is even better as their long bodies tower over Toya's face, as if shielding him away from reality.
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What can be considered a hobby? There's one thing that has been in his mind all this time.
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“I guess I play the piano.”
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“Is that so? That's why your hands are like that?”
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“What's wrong with my hands?” Toya frowns, bringing his hands up to the sun. It occurs to him, then, that there is a small bump on his otherwise perfectly fine finger. Toya looks at the other hand, and sees another bump on his index finger. “Oh.”
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“You must like the piano a lot to have hands like that.” Akito snorts, and Toya can hear some shuffling beside him. He couldn't see Akito from here, only the sky, clouds, and swaying dandelions.
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“I guess...” The boy blinks, and brushes a pappus away from his face.
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It's wrong. Play it again.
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Again.
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Again.
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The fragile softness of the moment slips like sand between his fingers, unpleasant memories filling his mind until he cannot think of anything else but play.
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Toya shakes his head, and abruptly sits up. No, not now.
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“Akito?” He calls out, catching himself surprised at his slightly trembling voice. The fuzziness in his head increases at Akito's lack of response.
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Pushing some dandelions away, Toya finds Akito.
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Akito stays still, one arm cushioning his head and the other laying limply on his stomach. Toya hovers over Akito, sees how his shadow casts over that Kitsune mask, and notes how Akito still hasn't moved.
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“Akito…?” He tries once more. Is he sleeping?
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This is probably the closest Toya's ever gotten to linger next to Akito. His knees are only a few centimeters away from the top of Akito's head, to the curly ginger locks, so he tries not to shift too much lest he accidentally bumps Akito. Toya stares at the Kitsune mask, and raises a tentative hand.
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It must be okay to touch, right?
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His heart beats loudly as his fingertips slowly descend to the mask's smooth and white surface, and Toya almost jumps when nothing happens once the contact is done.
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Slowly and carefully, Toya raises the mask with trembling hands.
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The first thing Toya sees is a white streak that goes down Akito's orange locks, and then his face — Akito's eyes are closed, mouth slightly agape in what Toya can only muster as a peaceful expression. Toya had his doubts that Akito possessed a no-face, or that the redhead was even faceless, but he never actually expected for Akito to just simply have smooth, human skin… Since he is a spirit.
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Is that an ear piercing? He stares in awe, not actually seeing anyone actually using those — Toya tries his best to push away the urge to touch. Somehow, it fits Akito.
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Toya doesn't know how long he stares, how long he spends trying to carve Akito's face in his mind, but it's long enough for those downturned eyes to slowly blink open. Toya sees white, as white as the streak resting on Akito's forehead, and suddenly the moment is broken as Toya slams the mask back on Akito's face with perhaps more force than he should with a dull ‘clack’.
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“Sorry!” He immediately shuffles away in panicked movements, missing Akito by a centimeter as the spirit's torso darts to sit up from the impact. Akito's hand rests on the Kitsune mask, holding it in place with a groan.
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“Wow… So low. Attacking someone while they're asleep.” The hand leaves, and Akito turns around. He doesn't sound mad. Good.
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“Sorry…”
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Looking at the Kitsune mask now, the layout of Akito's face is clear.
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“Why do you use that mask?” He asks once more, this time calmer, with the dandelions swaying gently around the two.
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“I don't like my face.” Akito says, his tone turning a bit colder, and that's not what Toya expected. He shrinks further, and suddenly, the Kitsune looks judging. “I swear, if you apologize again—”
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Toya quickly shakes his head. “I just think that it's pretty. I've never seen white eyes.”
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Akito snorts, propping his arm on his knee. “Yours are silver. I wouldn't doubt it if someone in your family had those.”
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“They don't,” Toya pauses. Hesitates, unsure. “I don't think it is possible for humans to be born with natural white eyes.”
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For some reason, Akito is silent.
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“Guess that's how a spirit looks like.”
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Toya tilts his head, mulling the sudden silence on Akito's part instead of what the latter just said. “I suppose.” He doesn't know what to say.
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The topic stops at that. Akito says nothing, so Toya says nothing back. Instead he watches. How the Kitsune mask lowers slightly, and for some reason, it's hard to push away the feeling that Toya had touched a sore spot.
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“I won't come tomorrow.”
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“Why?”
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“My… Family will go back to Japan, I was actually only here because we're staying with my Uncle for vacation. And school starts soon. So tomorrow we are going back.”
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“... Will you come back next summer?”
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“Yes, of course.” His lips curl up involuntarily. “I will come back to see you on the first day of my return.”
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“Okay. Then, we'll meet again next summer.”
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“It's a promise.”
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The snow melts as winter ends.
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“Eat slower, Toya. You can get hiccups.” Mother chuckles despite her reprimanding, a fond smile forming as she practically watches Toya inhale the lunch Aunt cooked beforehand.
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“Children this age must eat plenty. But not this fast.” Aunt agrees, though her smile widens and her eyes crinkle into crescent moons.
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Father's seat is vacant.
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“Thanks for the food.” Toya wheezes, standing up abruptly and bowing as deeply as his stomach allows before darting outside. “Bye, Uncle!” Toya waves as he walks past the gates of the Aoyagi household in a sprint.
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Uncle can only stare in dumbfounded eyes, how Toya is enthusiastically running towards the forest's direction.
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“Huh.”
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“Akito.”
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Akito turns from the sealed torii, and Toya tries his best to not let his knees buckle due to literally running the entire way back. The sun is not at its strongest yet, but Toya is already sweating buckets.
ㅤ
“You're here.” Akito says, in that extremely familiar voice of his, and Toya feels himself already detaching from the outside world and the heat as his body is pulled to Akito.
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“Did you run?” Akito tilts his head, Kitsune mask looking back at Toya curiously.
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“Yeah.” Toya replies breathless with a smile, skipping the last few steps to Akito's torii with renewed vigor and standing in front of the spirit. “How are you this summer?”
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“Good…” Akito pauses. “... You were not this bubbly last year. What happened?”
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“I missed here, that's all. Let's go?”
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“Sure. Nothing really changed though.” As usual, Akito turns to their usual path behind the worn out torii, and as usual, Toya follows behind a few steps back.
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“I don't mind.”
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It's strange, as they walk, that Toya realizes how Akito didn't change. Toya is 7 now, and while that means natural growth, Toya feels as if Akito didn't grow at all — Does that mean that Akito grows slower compared to humans?
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“What is it?”
ㅤ
“Nothing.”
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“I can feel you staring, you know.”
ㅤ
Toya hums. “Then I have nothing to say.”
ㅤ
Akito looks a bit displeased at the sudden secrecy, but doesn't push further. Toya couldn't help but smile a bit at how Akito scoffs. “Fine. Be it your way.”
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It would be nice to reach Akito's height.
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Summer passes, and another winter, before summer rolls in once again.
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Summer, Winter.
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5 Summers. 5 Winters.
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The years pass, and the two only grow closer and closer. For each year, Toya noticed himself looking forward to summer more and more. The winter didn't feel as cold as before now that Toya knows that summer will eventually come back, as he will visit Akito once more.
ㅤ
Toya also noticed, one summer, that Akito was changing.
ㅤ
Not in a bad way. But in a way that the something separating the two was slowly dissipating. As if something that was making Akito act more distant is no longer between them, and it makes Toya open up in turn, too.
ㅤ
Sometimes, Toya wishes Akito could come back with him to Japan. He wishes that they could pass winter together, or go to school together, or even just pass more time.
ㅤ
It would be wonderful if they were in the same class… Although, realistically, Toya would probably spend most of the time talking to Akito instead of actually learning anything. Dwelling in these kinds of fantasies and wandering into what he does not have makes his chest ache, it doesn't do anything but make him sad, yet he couldn't help but think of the what-ifs.
ㅤ
Toya is tangling himself with Akito, as Akito is with him. Yet Akito shows no signs of doubt for his decisions. Toya has seen it countless times in the past, the warnings, the usual dismissal, the thinly veiled annoyance.
ㅤ
He wonders, is the melancholy of winter making Toya feel like this? To overthink the bigger picture?
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If Akito was here, they could do so much more than the limits that the forest provided. As a spirit, Akito couldn't leave that place, and Toya wishes that it just wasn't like that.
ㅤ
Toya closes his eyes, and wonders what he can. The silence of his classroom makes it easier than it should. Akito was certainly still a bit older, still a bit taller, so right now they certainly would not be in the same class. But being in the same school doesn't sound too bad, either.
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A reality where they could have met in different circumstances. Where they could live a normal life. Not like this. Never like this.
ㅤ
A reality where he could touch Akito…
ㅤ
The train of thought is abruptly cut down before it could prolong further. ‘You can't.’ he bitterly reminds himself.
ㅤ
Toya's gaze slides to the window beside his seat. He watches how his classmates laugh and talk together, how they wander so freely, and the dull sting only grows the more he watches. The more Toya thinks. The more Toya is gradually, slowly, pulled back to his previous fantasies.
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Akito is close, but he feels so far away.
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Toya sighs, burying his face in his arms. The cool surface of the desk as it collides against his forehead is comforting, in a way.
ㅤ
Deep down, Toya wishes it was Akito instead.
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“You…”
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“Yes?”
ㅤ
Akito looks at Toya, lowering his head and raising it. By the time Akito raises, Toya already has a small smile on his face.
ㅤ
“What's wrong, Akito?”
ㅤ
“You're tall.” Akito bluntly replies, crossed fingers fidgeting in his lap. An unfinished flower crown sits in-between Akito's legs, officially announcing how he's giving up trying to make one, saying how the flowers would always get ‘tangled up’ and ‘never good enough’. “Taller than me.”
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Toya, on the other hand, has his own flower crown almost finished. He's never made one before, but with the wonders of the internet in his hands and the urge to teach Akito yet another thing, it didn't take long until Toya had an idea of what to do.
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“Is that bad?” Toya continues to smile, focusing on the task of tangling a flower's body on his finger as he works on an end.
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“... No.”
ㅤ
The wind ruffles in the open space, bathing the two in a peaceful moment. Toya sees from the corner of his eye how Akito looks at his almost finished flower crown.
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“It just shows how it has been a long time ever since.”
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“That's true.”
ㅤ
Time sure flies.
ㅤ
Toya fiddles a bit more, focused completely on his small handiwork now that Akito is silent. The flower crown isn't perfect, since it is his first time, but it certainly looks decent enough to be considered finished.
ㅤ
He raises the flower crown in a somewhat proud act. “Look.”
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“It's good.” Akito nods, looking over the colorful mess in Toya's hands. “Certainly makes the time we spent hunting specific kinds of flowers all day worth it.”
ㅤ
“You're still mulling over that?” Toya sighs, helpless. He shifts a bit closer to Akito, the latter straightening his back automatically as Toya approaches, muscles tensing and mask clacking in surprise. “Here, come.”
ㅤ
“What are you— I am not using that!”
ㅤ
“If you had finished your own, I would use it too.” Toya points it out, glancing at the poor flower crown that fell from Akito's lap once he started to move backwards. “Come on, Akito~ Just a flower crown.”
ㅤ
“That's not fair, we never agreed to this!”
ㅤ
“Please.”
ㅤ
Akito stills.
ㅤ
“If you use it, I will bring something tomorrow. Something fun.”
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Toya can practically see the gears working in Akito's mind as that Kitsune mask stares at the flower crown splayed in his hands. He waits, patiently, offering.
ㅤ
Instead of replying, Akito acts. Toya is taken aback as Akito's hand moves to his mask and pulls it away from his face. Those white eyes that Toya had seen a long, long time ago yet still so clearly painted in his mind look back at him in what Toya can only consider as sheepish.
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It's…
ㅤ
“Can't use it properly with the mask on, can I?” Akito mumbles, very pointedly avoiding Toya's gaze as the Kitsune mask is softly put on grass.
ㅤ
Akito truly, truly hasn't changed. Not a single thing. It irks something that shouldn't be inside Toya, something that has been doing great ever since it was left untouched last winter, but now it seems to have woken up from its slumber.
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He's read it once, on a site. How spirits are supposed to have pale skin and eyes as white as snow. It doesn't fit Akito. Akito would look much better with color, not snow. The summer would make him look so much better.
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It's… Vile. Toya wonders if Akito thinks about it too. The time.
ㅤ
Just what would be the true color of Akito's eyes, if not the ghostly white that lurks inside those orbs? What would they look like if Akito had a beating heart?
ㅤ
No, definitely not white. Something else. A color that would absolutely match with his fiery hair.
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Toya watches as Akito gently takes it off his hands and holds it in the air, as if pondering something. He follows, looking up, and follows when the crown descends into soft, ginger hair.
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White eyes silently shift to Toya, who now looks back. Akito must be waiting for a comment.
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“Your eyes are pretty.” Toya can't help but mumble in barely concealed awe, voice almost not coming out, completely forgetting about the crown for a small moment.
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“You said it last time, too.” Akito hums, voice laced with uncharacteristic vulnerability. It feels weird to not see Akito with the Kitsune mask. It makes Toya want to scoot closer. And it's dangerous.
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Orange. It's all orange.
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“Because it's true.” Toya nods, leaning away from Akito so he can grab Akito's unfinished flower crown. “I'll make another one so we can match.”
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“Okay. Just don't take too long, the sky's already starting to darken.”
ㅤ
Tiptoeing around the elephant in the room, the two boys continue to enjoy their evening in occasional chatter. It's a bit harder to focus on the second crown, now that there is no Kitsune mask to cover these owlish and curious pair of eyes that watch every single movement of his fingers, but Toya appreciates what they have. Recognizes, even, just what this implies.
ㅤ
The Kitsune mask stays in the grass until Toya stands up and beckons Akito to follow him back to the forest's entrance, the sun long gone now with the full moon hanging together with the stars in a peaceful glow. It's the first time that Toya comes back at the dead of the night, and he doesn't regret it one bit.
ㅤ
There's something that swells within his chest everytime he focuses back to that sight, into those eyes, or whenever he wonders what Akito is up to. Even if they had just spoken a few hours ago.
ㅤ
Toya can't quite put a finger on what it is.
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“That's a kite.” Toya holds it up with a small smile, extending it to Akito, line in his other hand. “When I start running, you let it go.”
ㅤ
Akito grabs it, and Toya starts to walk backwards. “Okay.”
ㅤ
The line extends further for each step, and once it almost tugs to its limit, Toya runs.
ㅤ
The kite flies up as Akito releases it, and the wind holds the kite instead. Toya smiles as the line tugs, and the kite stays in place. Sways to the left, to the right, and is carried.
ㅤ
Akito silently moves to stand beside Toya, and also looks up at the kite. The wind gently blows around and pushes the long grass beneath their feet, and Toya feels peaceful. The kite tugs back ever so occasionally as the wind shifts, but he holds it close.
ㅤ
The latter glances at the spirit, then at the kite, and offers the line for Akito.
ㅤ
Akito turns, and Toya can almost imagine a confused expression under that mask as neither say anything and the string hangs between them.
ㅤ
“You hold it like this.” Toya teases with a small smile after Akito's silence, thrumming the line and offering. There is a small moment of silence as the realization visibly dawns on Akito, and Toya chuckles as the redhead snatches the line away.
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“That's all there is to it?” Akito asks once Toya lets it go, holding the line up, up, up, and the kite follows. “It just flies with the wind?”
ㅤ
“Yeah, but don't hold it too hi—”
ㅤ
There is a sudden cry in the sky as a bird hits the kite. The line slips from Akito's grip, and with the sudden freedom in its hands the kite flies with the wind towards God knows where in the forest. Toya watches wordlessly as the item is pulled further, and further, and ignores the loud squeak of the bird as it plops on grassy fields.
ㅤ
The same item that he bargained so much for, the very same item that Uncle didn't want to lend it to him since it is an “Old Relic”. Gone. In a matter of seconds.
ㅤ
Akito seemed to say something, but it's hard to recognize what it is over the buzzing sound in his eardrums.
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... No. It's not gone.
ㅤ
“Hey Toya, can you— Toya?!”
ㅤ
Toya gives chase, shoving himself inside the forest and following the kite as it flies with the wind on top of green leaves. His legs ache from how far it goes, how far the wind carries, but he thinks he should manage.
ㅤ
Inhale, exhale, and inhale — The forest's oxygen is fresh as it fills his lungs. The wind blows, once more, and the kite starts to gradually descend as it seems to simultaneously pick up pace.
ㅤ
Toya almost accidentally topples over against a stray spirit as he sharply turns to the right. “Sorry!”
ㅤ
After what lasted like an eternity of running through lakes, bridges and rocks, Toya almost falls over at the sight of the white kite tucked right on a tree branch.
ㅤ
He thinks nothing of it, mind too muddled to think straight and head too deprived of coherent thoughts other than ‘Kite. The kite.’ to properly move as he starts — or tries to — climb. It's hard at first, but with enough strength and time trying to figure out a proper route, he eventually manages.
ㅤ
Balancing himself on the tree branch and sliding over to the small bundle of leaves at the end, Toya finally has the kite back in his arms. He checks, turns it around with trembling hands, and relaxes even more at the lack of holes. It's perfect, and Uncle won't worry about a thing.
ㅤ
Toya sighs in contentment. Nothing went wrong after all. He moves his legs, cradles the kite closer as he prepares himself to go down, and listens to the innocent chirp of birds as he freezes once there is no solid ground beneath his feet.
ㅤ
His chest immediately goes cold as a small realization occurs.
ㅤ
Slowly, almost sheepishly, Toya looks down — And he thinks that he grips the tree's branch so quick and tight that his nails dig deep, crescent moons into the wood, sore fingertips complaining as it is harshly pressed, yet Toya couldn't pay care any less about them.
ㅤ
His forehead collapses against the branch as he holds onto it with one arm for dear life, while the kite is tightly secured in the other. He couldn't move a single muscle as he tried to compose himself with the knowledge that he is currently on top of a tree's branch in the middle of nowhere that could snap at any moment with his weight and that is not fi—
ㅤ
“Toya!” Akito calls, borderline shouting as his voice echoes and booms around the forest. It's strong as it hits tree trunks, yet…
ㅤ
It's far, Toya realizes with a bit of dread pooling in his stomach and nails clawing at the wood even further, a futile attempt of anchoring himself to reality. It's far— So far—
ㅤ
”There you are…” It's closer, but still so far, that Toya almost didn't hear Akito's voice. His eyelids are shut so tightly that Toya can feel them tremble. “Toya, here.”
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No, no, he couldn't look…
ㅤ
There is a moment of silence, and Toya almost thinks that Akito is gone, when his ears catch his voice once again. “Toya.”
ㅤ
It's as if his voice has been taken away from him. Toya couldn't mutter anything, only hold tighter.
ㅤ
“Toya, I'm here. I'm here with you,” It's such an unsteady tone compared to Akito's steady and usual one. Toya's never seen Akito speak like that before. There is the sound of footsteps as Akito gets even closer. “Hang on, I think I can…”
ㅤ
Something cracks.
ㅤ
“Shit!”
ㅤ
It's a blur.
ㅤ
There is a tilt, a momentary tumble of his senses, as the branch breaks. There is the distinct noise of the kite cracking pitifully in his hold in the midst of the mess of swirling, still barely coherent thoughts and the frantic pace of his heartbeat. His hold only got tighter once his fears were officially deemed true.
ㅤ
Toya's eyes widen as the branch slips out of his hold, forced to open. His vision was turned upside down and the sunlight seemed to shine so brightly to the point of turning blind.
ㅤ
Yet, all that Toya sees is orange. That expressionless Kitsune mask, the white noise ringing in his ears, and…
ㅤ
Outstretched arms.
ㅤ
It shatters, millions and millions of glasses scrambling to the floor just because of what that implies. Toya can't think. He can't seem to comprehend why, or when, but Akito is getting closer and closer…
ㅤ
Toya promised to never touch Akito, yet Akito never promised anything.
ㅤ
Toya has no choice but to close his eyes and hold the kite tightly as his body proceeds to fall. His heart feels like it is about to explode from so many things happening at once.
ㅤ
He braces himself, for anything that could happen and end this, yet all that comes out is the cold feeling of leaves and the painful stings everywhere as Toya falls onto a bush.
ㅤ
He yelps in pain, eyes immediately opening to see an upside down Akito with his arms pulled back.
ㅤ
“A-Are you okay…?”
ㅤ
The bush cracks as Toya falls further, head hitting the grass underneath and officially back to solid ground.
ㅤ
“Honestly?” He winces, letting the kite fall out of his now loose hold. “My whole body hurts.”
ㅤ
“I'm sorry… Here.”
ㅤ
Akito extends a random twig he found on the ground and offers it to Toya. It's completely different from how it would feel with a hand. Toya inwardly sighs — Not even at times like these, does he not wish that he could touch.
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Once Toya is safe (or the closest thing to safe), the sun is already starting to descend. The sky's orange and the clouds are gray, but the summer memories are prominent to stay nevertheless, he supposes. There is always next time.
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“Akito?”
ㅤ
A hum.
ㅤ
“I want you to promise me something.”
ㅤ
The leaves beneath their feet crack one last time before Akito stops. He doesn't turn around. Toya doesn't ask him to.
ㅤ
“No matter what, don't you ever touch me.”
ㅤ
“Yes, of course.” But it's not like it needs to be said. Under the small holes of his mask, Akito stares straight into Toya's own silver orbs with a simple turn of his neck. “I was careless.”
ㅤ
There's something in Akito's tone that settles his vow, but with the small downturn of the syllable, the lower of his voice, it's as if Akito is here, but at the same time not. It makes him wonder just what is going on in Akito's mind. It makes him think of how Akito has been unusually quiet ever since what happened.
ㅤ
That ugly feeling inside him rumbles once more. Toya gulps, but doesn't break eye contact. Time seemed to stop right now, with the wind ruffling both of their hairs and the gentle stream of sunlight bathing the two before they bid a definite farewell for this year.
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“...”
ㅤ
It's not that same wall that Akito had previously built around him before, when they met, that is now resurfacing. No. This time, it feels different.
ㅤ
The wind blows away, together with the summer, and Toya returns to Japan with an uneasiness in his chest.
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It's cold.
ㅤ
Toya sighs, feels the cold air surrounding him, and stops breathing.
ㅤ
“It was not careless…” He mumbles, looking forward, at nothing in particular. The snow is something he doesn't find any fun in and he's grown accustomed to the streets down his home, leading to the school.
ㅤ
“I know what you wanted to do.”
ㅤ
He's growing insane. This whole thing is making Toya insane. Instead of being the other half of the problem, it felt as if he was just a vision of something faraway. One that just watched as the act preceded by.
ㅤ
Words. Those are words that he wished he could've said back then, when Akito's full attention was solely focused on Toya, and right now Toya wants nothing but to climb back those seemingly endless steps and look at that worn out torii once more, where Akito must surely be by now.
ㅤ
But he can't. The summer is not here, yet, and it makes Toya grow more restless.
ㅤ
The boy's perfectly calm expression falters, eyebrows shifting to the form of the slightest furrow as more and more possibilities of something better, anything better than what happened started to swarm his head. While there are more possibilities, it is surely better than—
ㅤ
“Toya! Stop right there!”
ㅤ
The sudden yelling stops his body to a form as rigid as stone. His legs immediately freeze into place, and Toya can feel the smooth slide of something underneath his shoes as he does so. He blinks, noticing how his fingertips ache as they are forcibly pressed around his bag's handle, and looks down, reflection blurry past the focus he puts on his fingertips. It's so red that they are borderline feeling numb at this point, and Toya's frown deepens.
ㅤ
... I forgot my gloves.
ㅤ
Another pair of shoes clack behind Toya.
ㅤ
“Don't move! That spot is frozen.” Brown shoes appear at the corner of his eyes. Toya raises his head, meeting an equally worried and determined Tsukasa.
ㅤ
“I've been calling you, but you didn't seem to hear me,” Tsukasa continues to ramble with a smile, not actually minding Toya's lack of reply. “Here.”
ㅤ
Dumbfounded, Toya looks at the outstretched hand.
ㅤ
Outstretched arms, the dread of the comfort that falling on them would bring. A what could've been, had it been any other situation, of the comfort that Toya could have beside them without worries.
ㅤ
“Sorry.” Pushing the words and reaching out, something inside Toya clenches once their hands entwine and he is pulled out of danger. It brings him no dizziness nor surprise as white eyes cloud his mind, and he barely holds back a sigh.
ㅤ
I just wish…
ㅤ
He has circled the carousel enough times to know just where he will end up if he allows his thoughts to carry on.
ㅤ
Tsukasa walks beside him now, since they are studying in the same school and going through the same routes, and it's easier to forget. His voice is so loud that it surpasses the one of the oily voice whispering just beside Toya's ear.
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“Can't you bring a piano here?”
ㅤ
“No.” Toya opens his eyes. The extreme coldness of the water surrounding his feet turns meaningless once he looks at Akito. “A piano is heavy. I couldn't bring it here alone even if I wanted to.”
ㅤ
Akito sighs. “A shame. Would've loved to see you play.”
ㅤ
The boards they are seated in creak as Toya leans forward a bit, catching Akito's exposed, gloomy eyes. “Everyone says I'm good. I'm sure it would be worth your time.”
ㅤ
“You're not helping.” Akito groans. Toya smiles, despite the unfortunate truth.
ㅤ
“Maybe someday.” It was unlikely. Those words slip past his lips before he knows it. “There are a few songs that I think you would like. I could record them or something, I think.”
ㅤ
“Can you, really? I think it would be better if I saw it in person.”
ㅤ
“... You think so?”
ㅤ
“I know so.” Akito rebuts.
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A fish jumps out of the small lake. Toya follows, sees how it plops back to the water, and accidentally catches Akito's fidgeting hands at the corner of his vision.
ㅤ
“Is something wrong?” He asks.
ㅤ
Akito stills. It's the smallest movement, but Toya can see it easily from how close he is to Akito.
ㅤ
“I've been meaning to invite you… To a festival. Tonight.” Akito clears his throat, pointedly avoiding Toya's curious gaze, suddenly finding extreme interest in a random bush that sat at one edge of the lake. “I didn't do it before because I was worried that it would scare you, but I think it is good to go now.”
ㅤ
Toya perks up at the invite. “Like a summer festival?”
ㅤ
“Precisely.” Akito nods. There is the faintest hint of a smile at the corner of his lips as he turns to Toya. “We do it every year.”
ㅤ
The chance to spend more time with Akito appears, and Toya clutches it close without hesitation.
ㅤ
“It will be filled with spirits though.” He voices a sudden thought. It sounded more like an affirmation than a question.
ㅤ
“Yeah, but nothing dangerous should happen for those who respect us. If anything happens though, I'll protect you.” Akito explains. There is a tilt to his voice that shows enthusiasm, though it slightly fades as a realization flashes on his expression. “If it isn't a problem, of course. I know how it is when…”
ㅤ
“No, I'll come.” Toya shows his own, small smile. “I've never been to a summer festival before, a spiritual one at that. There couldn't be a better company that I would ever think about.”
ㅤ
Akito's full on grinning at this point. It's cute, how equally excited he sounds. Toya couldn't feel any happier either, the gloominess of the piano no longer clouding their heads now that there is something to look forward to.
ㅤ
“Then it's settled.”
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ㅤ
Akito waits for Toya like they agreed, under the familiar torii.
ㅤ
After tying a firm cloth on their wrists, Akito starts to descend a different path than the one they usually go to in the morning. “I'll tie this down so we won't be split.” Toya simply went along.
ㅤ
Despite the darkness, Akito knew the way well. Toya wonders, as he looks at the cloth that hangs between them, just how many festivals Akito has gone to. He was clearly excited about it, even more so when Toya agreed, so he's quite happy with himself for lifting up Akito's mood.
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Sneaking out… ‘Was worth it.’
ㅤ
After staring at the back of Akito's head for a moment longer, Toya then glances at the plastic that rests on an unusual place.
ㅤ
“You've never used it like that.” Toya mumbles after a moment.
ㅤ
Akito glances back in a silent question.
ㅤ
“Your mask.”
ㅤ
“Oh,” Akito touches it, fingertips softly grazing the paint. “I figured I should probably try something different tonight.”
ㅤ
Tonight.
ㅤ
Toya nods, and continues to walk now beside Akito in silence. Eventually, a light can be seen in the darkness of the forest. It glows brighter and brighter the closer they get, and the more Toya is captivated by the light. The festival.
ㅤ
The festival is a mixture of yellow, red and oranges. Not even the dark blue sky nor the moon that stood on all of this was noticeable, the lights from the many booths threatened to blind Toya with just how much life this place had.
ㅤ
Not only that, but that's finally something that matched Akito's clothes. It made sense, even if he's never seen Akito wearing anything else.
ㅤ
The pair stays silent for a moment, Toya watching in awe, from the colorful lights to the children that ran and played around and spirits that walked to their destination. Each one used a mask similar to Akito's, yet none matched in any way.
ㅤ
Festivals are pretty…
ㅤ
Toya glances at Akito.
ㅤ
Akito was also looking. His expression was one that Toya's never seen before, one that might even be considered fond. The smile that stretched across his lips was relaxed, warm, and calm. The warmth from the festival is reflected in those white eyes, so thoroughly that Toya sees orange flames within.
ㅤ
It is only when Akito senses Toya's stare and the white returns in the blink of an eye that Toya averts his gaze, maintaining eye contact in instants, that he starts tugging Akito to walk. The latter simply smiles wider, grin warming up into something more energetic as he is now playing along. “What do you want to try first?”
ㅤ
“Hmm…” Toya looks around. There's so much to do, but what first, indeed. “Maybe that booth? I'm kinda hungry right now.”
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“It won't take long until the fireworks start… It should be any minute now.”
ㅤ
“You have a good knowledge about everything in this festival. Do you come to them often, Akito?”
ㅤ
“Yes.” A pause. “I actually come every year.”
ㅤ
“I see. Maybe we can go together in the next one, too, and the one after that.”
ㅤ
“Geez, we barely enjoyed this one and you're already looking forward to the next times?”
ㅤ
“Of course. I did say that you would be the best company I would ever have.” Toya says with a nod, fully honest in both tone and statement.
ㅤ
“ I didn't think I was supposed to take it literally…” Akito grumbles. Toya thinks he sees the slightest bit of color on his cheeks, but he's not sure. “Anyway, I'm happy to hear that you're enjoying it so much. We still have some attractions to check— Oh, look, it's going to start.”
ㅤ
Pink, orange, red. The fireworks bloom in the sky as multiple particles fly in the air. Some people cheer, some watch in silence, and some chatter.
ㅤ
For the first half, Toya sees the sky lighting up. The second, he's caught himself focused on Akito's reaction, or more specifically, the peaceful expression that had washed over him once again.
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Toya doesn't know how long they spent there, not even if he tried, time flew so fast while they were having fun. The moon had shifted from one place to another and the stars shone brighter. The path that they walk upon couldn't be any clearer.
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“Are you tired?” Akito asks as they make a turn under a particular tree that Toya has learnt to know well, white eyes shining in a vivid brightness akin to the festival's as he looks straight at Toya.
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“A bit, but I can keep going.”
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Akito simply nods.
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Toya had fun. His body feels tingly all over from the things he's got to see, from the different kinds of booths, the dancing spirits, to the fireworks.
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He also feels like he's gotten closer to Akito.
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It flames something within. A sudden rush of confidence flares up. Without thinking, Toya stops walking.
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Akito can only walk a certain distance, tied up like this. The cloth tugs both their wrists as he attempts to walk further, and when it does, he looks back. “Toya?”
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Maybe it was the festival. Maybe it was the colorful fireworks, the small glimpse of Akito's world, or that damned expression that Toya couldn't easily brush off, but he feels restless.
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And it should be dangerous, the way that something threatens to burst completely. Had his mindset been any more alive right now, Toya would have cared.
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“I had fun today.” He begins. Smiles, because it's so easy to smile when he is with Akito. He's sure that the chance wouldn't arise, had it been with anyone else, nor would his Father allow it. Right now, Toya feels happy. “A lot of fun.”
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Toya tugs the cloth, takes a step forward, simultaneously wrapping his end around his palm, so that Akito wouldn't run even if he tried to. It's not or never. He can't keep going like this, not when he doesn't know what will happen tomorrow, or… How fragile this is. How easily it can be interrupted on both sides. Toya can't have that.
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The movement hurts his fingertips. Toya couldn't care less.
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“You know, I always count the days until summer arrives. I pack my stuff the night before so that we can start to travel as soon as we wake up. I focus on my piano classes most of the time back in Japan so that my dad won't bother me when I'm here.”
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Something flashes in Akito's expression, and Toya notices, so hyper focused on every single thing that Akito does right now like his whole life depended on it.
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Maybe it does. Maybe it always did.
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“I've never had a best friend before. You were my first, and honestly, still is. But I really couldn't care any less. ”
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“Toya…”
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“You are very special to me.” Toya smiles, veiled in thinly concealed hurt that gradually made his mind its home. “I don't want to lose you.”
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Akito is silent. Toya waits, waits as much as he has to, watches as Akito's calm expression slowly hardens into… Something unreadable.
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The silence between them prolongs. Akito seems to ponder something, glancing at something behind Toya with tightly pursed lips.
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Toya is almost regretting ever bringing up the possibility of talking about something both have been evading all this time, hands sweaty and heartbeat thudding loudly in his ears, until Akito suddenly — finally — speaks.
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“I was a human before.”
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The cloth shakes as Akito fiddles with it, white glimpsing down before locking with silver.
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“My sister forgot something and called me. At first I didn't want to walk all the way to somewhere so far away, but she insisted so much. I couldn't help but go.”
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“She was at a festival. Even dragged me along, no matter how much I protested… ‘You should have fun once in a while’, she said, doing just that. It was my first time going into one of those things, because I wasn't really one to go out. Even with how much I grumbled, deep down, I also wanted to make her some company. She was all alone. And, for once, happy.”
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“It was nice, refreshing, until it was time to go. It's a blur, but at the end, I got lost. No matter how much I looked, or how hard I tried, I just couldn't find her anywhere. I was so panicked.”
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Akito smiles. It's bitter, and his voice cracks.
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“Before I knew it, I became what I am now, the embodiment of a spirit. As fragile as snow. The memories I had when I was a human are slowly fading, because I asked them to. Because I didn't want to keep going over something that I couldn't change no matter how hard I tried.”
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“Pathetic, isn't it?” Akito blinks, and that far-away look fades away completely. Something lurches in Toya's throat to say something. Anything.
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“No. It's not.”
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“But I think it is.”
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And maybe, Akito is just as tired as Toya. To keep holding everything back with no communication. So much that he finally lays everything down. Even with how painful it must be.
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Toya doesn't know if he can say anything. Doesn't know, in actuality, if there ever was anything to be said to begin with.
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The silence doesn't bother Akito, as he continues. “I don't want to lose you too.”
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“You won't lose me,” The words tumble out of his mouth unceremoniously. “Never.” Rather, I'm afraid I will lose you instead.
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“Is that so? What makes you so sure, when a simple touch can make me disappear for the rest of eternity?”
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“Because…”
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There is no ‘why’ or ‘how’.
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“Wow, you really didn't change.” Akito chuckles, pulling his end of the cloth, and Toya takes another step forward. He's so close that he can see when the white fades into a lighter gray, shining every so brightly under the moonlight.
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‘It's dangerous.’ His mind yells. Toya clutches the cloth tighter.
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Akito's smiles. He grabs his Kitsune mask, plucks it off, and brings it to Toya's face. The human's eyelids droop completely as a bland white covers his vision, and upon feeling the plastic's solid, hard surface, Toya opens his eyes.
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There are two tiny little holes in what he can only deduce as the mask's eyes. He can see Akito through them, questioningly, feeling a bit confused.
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“I never noticed the little holes.” Toya mumbles, blinking as he adjusts to the foreign feeling.
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“You thought I could see through the mask? No, I cannot do such a thing.” Akito hums, tilts his head slightly. “How does it feel?”
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“Strange. Claustrophobic. I don't know how you manage to use it all the time.”
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Akito nods. Toya stands still, watches as Akito looks over the mask, and tries not to mind his rapid heartbeat too much. Orange covers his vision as Akito leans in, and suddenly, it becomes impossible to do so.
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There's a faint press against the mask, his face, as Akito's lips touch the mask's lips. Toya doesn't want it to end. He doesn't want to cut this feeling short and leave. He doesn't want to leave Akito alone.
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When the pressure subsides, Toya leans in again.
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The fireflies continue to click once they part. For once, Toya is glad that the mask is useful, as it covers his very probably reddened cheeks.
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“That mask, you can keep it.”
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Toya only nods, dumbfounded.
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There was something nudging the back of his mind ever since Akito first invited him. At first he thought, ‘It is unlikely’, but right now when everything is done and said he can't help but indulge in this a bit.
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He was never this revealing, this expressful, and never so keen on keeping the light on him for so long.
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Akito is hiding something.
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He's… Not coming back, is he? To that place. To where Toya knows, as much as Akito does, that he will find him for sure.
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The smile on his face still hasn't dissipated. Toya glances to the side, and something churns within him at the idea that he might never see Akito again.
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Even with his confession… It still…
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He took too long. Too long to reveal how he feels. So long that Akito must have been thinking about this whenever winter arrived and Toya wasn't nearby. Is that why he never strayed away? Is that why Akito was so sure that nothing would ever go wrong?
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‘This sounds like a goodbye. The festivals Akito cherishes, the extension of their time together, the lack of the mask Akito was so insistent in keeping on, it's all too weird. Too unusual.’
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Now, Akito gave it to Toya with no hesitation. Why? Why, why, why—
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“I don't like my face.”
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Yet you act as if it doesn't bother you in the slightest. Toya sighs, opens his mouth—
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But he can't continue. Laughter echoes behind them together with footsteps. Two small kids giggle as they run the same path they walk in.
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One of them runs past, while the other trips on a rock. Toya lunges forward to catch the kid, but Akito is faster, fist enclosed firmly around his wrist.
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“Be careful.” Akito lightly reprimands, helping the small boy get up.
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“Thank you, sir!” He bows, before scurrying away to follow their friend as they run ahead. Toya looks until they are out of sight, for a moment forgetting his inner monologue, and for a moment forgetting the core of his worries.
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Something glows — Akito's hand, he recognizes in terror as his head snaps to the side — and Toya feels sick.
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“W-Was that a human?!” Toya asks, frightened, even as Akito's fingertips start to fade right in front of him.
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His heart sinks as Akito doesn't reply, only stares at his hand in complete silence. It sinks even more when Akito turns to Toya with that damned smile that still hasn't faded plastered on his face, white, glowing eyes, reflecting light blue.
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Toya chokes. “Akito…”
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Akito opens his arms wide, ignoring his palm. “Come here, Toya. Now I can hug you.”
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And Toya does. He does, faster than anything else he has ever done. His arms wrap around Akito in a tight hug, bringing their bodies close and flush against each other.
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He can't describe how it feels. It's warm, comfortable, and safe. But it's also so, so horribly fast, how that warmth fades into the chilly night, away from Toya's grasp and into the starry sky.
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Toya falls to his knees once there is nothing to hold onto. He feels nothing, but cradles his hands close to his chest nevertheless in a vain attempt to bring Akito back.
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An ugly sob rips its way out of Toya's throat. It's cold, so cold, and so lonely.
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The mask clacks to the ground with a dull thud, tears following soon after, falling into its hold. Toya sniffles, tries to wipe them away, but it's all futile once his eyes fill and blur and it cascades down his cheeks all over again.
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He doesn't know how long he cries. He doesn't know how long he stays kneeled. He doesn't care about the time anymore. What use will it be to go back now, when he is no longer here?
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Toya doesn't remember the last time he cried so hard. Maybe he never did. Maybe all the times he felt like crying whenever his fingertips felt so painful all crumbled down to this moment.
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That realization doesn't come until he is back to his bed, a place where he was waiting in excitement for everyone to fall asleep hours prior. He doesn't feel anything. His chest feels heavy.
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Toya holds the mask up to the moonlight, fingertips grazing the still perfectly shaped patterns.
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Clack.
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He also realizes, later, how this is probably what Akito feared the most. The attachment.
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Why did you have to keep it to yourself?
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Toya wonders, looking at the mask that hangs in the window's wood. I could push this away, forget everything you did out of spite with just a single push, just because of what you did.
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He doesn't, of course. In the midst of all that numbness he still feels the throb of his bleeding heart.
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That's so selfish of you, Akito.
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There is no more excitement in summers. Toya doesn't go back to his Uncle's house after trying to go back once more, look at that worn down torii, and not see Akito.
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He still remembers how slowly painful those 2 months were. There was no more need to visit.
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The Tenma household had no qualms in accepting Toya in the summer. On the contrary, they were actually happy to have him while his parents were away.
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Summers, winters, years. And that coldness that settled around his chest never faded away.
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It turns back on him, when almost everything he does reminds him of orange. Of the buzzing of cicadas, the merciless sun, and the curse.
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The mask has started to collect dust on Toya's shelf, beside college stuff and worn down books. He never found another friend like Akito. Partly because he didn't want to, partly because he was afraid of worsening the still throbbing pain, and partly because there just couldn't be someone else that could even take up a small part of Akito's place.
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The melody comes to a close.
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The door creaks as it opens wider, yet Toya doesn't move.
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“You got so much better.” Toya can hear the smile on Tsukasa's face as he walks up from behind. Now, his voice is quiet, almost silent to the point it is deafening.
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“I thought that he would like this song, that's all.”
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Would he?
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“It was nice. I'm proud of how long you've come.” Tsukasa says. Something tugs within. “Dinner is ready. When you are ready, you can co—”
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“No.” He interrupts, shifting his sore muscles a bit. Toya looks up at Tsukasa through the slightly blurred vision. “I'll go.”
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“Oh, okay. Saki is already waiting for us at the table.” Tsukasa pats his back.
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It's small, but he tries to reassure Tsukasa with a small smile of his own. It doesn't reach his eyes.
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On a winter, chilly night. Many more years later.
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His reflection stares right back at him, the other side pitch black. Silver eyes squint at the sign just beside, frowning once he sees that the small shop isn't open on saturdays.
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Kohane mentioned how they sell a great and exquisite blend of coffee… Maybe he shouldn't have focused so much on practicing for the upcoming piano auditions. Now he has to wait more time than he should.
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He even looked forward to it, too…
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The wind blows on his face. Toya holds the end of his scarf in disappointment, frown deepening as the realization sinks in.
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He can take the nearest train back home and at least spend the rest of the night with his own homemade coffee, reading his own favorite book, to the sight of the snowfall right by his own window.
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Toya nods. Yeah, that sounds good for a plan B.
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He was about to turn around and walk away, before he was promptly stopped.
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“Excuse me,” A voice calls out. A painfully familiar voice. “When does this shop open?”
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Toya slowly turns around, gripping his scarf even tighter.
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Curls of ginger hair, tanned skin, and a black hoodie that shields his face from the falling snow. It's not much clothing for the winter of Japan, but he didn't seem bothered — sliding up, there's no white, but olive eyes, and a yellow streak that only goes so much up until it ends and there is orange once again.
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It's painfully similar to Akito… If he grew up.
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“U-Uhm,” Toya stammers, all words failing him right now. His mind draws to a blank and his palms are suddenly sweating profusely. “It's not… Open on saturdays.” He points to the sign he's just read moments ago.
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The man frowns, olive eyes that are so full of life shifting to said sign, and his frown deepens. “Man… And here I was hoping to try their new recipe of pancakes,” He mumbles, annoyance slipping through his features. “Ena should have read the site properly and twice before sending me all the way to the other side of town.”
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“D-Do I know you?” Toya asks.
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Akito looks back, annoyance softening into fake politeness in the blink of an eye. Toya can easily see through it though… “I don't think so…? I actually traveled here recently.” ... And it's funny, even, how fake his voice turns out to be. Toya knows better than to fall.
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“Oh, sorry,” He waves his hand. “I'm Toya. Aoyagi Toya.”
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“Shinonome Akito,” Akito gets closer, pulling out his phone. “Maybe we can visit here together on monday, Toya? You also seemed quite gloomy at the sudden news.” He jokes.
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“Oh, sure!” He grabs his own, fingers curling around the black surface as he pulls it out of his jacket pocket. “I was hoping to try their coffee. A friend recommended it to me.”
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“Haha, looks like we're in the same boat.”
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Akito grabs his phone, typing out his number.
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“You said you wanted pancakes?”
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“Yeah, my sister was hoping to eat some when she saw this site. But I guess there won't be any.”
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“There are other cafes around that sell pancakes, and they aren't that far away. If you'd like, I can show you.”
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Akito blinks, taken aback, though his expression lightens up. “Then please, lead the way.” He smirks, shameless, and Toya tries not to let his phone fall onto snow once Akito gives it back.
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Their fingers brush as he does so. It's nice. Toya wishes it could last longer.
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“Yes, of course.”
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Akito's face lightens and darkens for each lamp they pass under. Toya finds out that Akito hasn't changed, and he still knows Akito as well as he did before. Save for the way he easily replied, and how he actually commented with past experiences of his own, it's all so familiar that it has Toya's chest warming up and a small smile forming on his face before he knows it.
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He doesn't remember me, A small part of his mind whispers. And I don't know how he came back, but I don't care. I'll make it better now.
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It's a slow process, but Toya promises himself under the starry sky that he will make it better to meet Akito all over again. To approach him the way he wished they did all these years ago.
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Toya waited for years. He can wait for a few more months to get back what they had before. After all, his feelings for the person beside him never died.
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To a better life, together with you.