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“You understand, right?“ Suguru’s mother asks over the phone and Suguru barely hears her over the ringing in his ears.
“Right,” he tonelessly gives back.
“Tell him with that lifestyle of his, it’s just—” his father’s voice trails off in the background.
Right, his lifestyle. The one where he lives together with Satoru and is gay. Not that these two are connected in any way, no matter how much he wants them to be.
“Yes, the thing with your boyfriend,” his mother unsurely relays his father’s words and Suguru sucks in a sharp breath.
“He’s not my boyfriend,” he tells his mother, not for the first time, but of course she barely even listens to him.
“We simply cannot, in good conscience, support this anymore.”
“That includes my studies?” Suguru asks because he needs to know just how fucked he truly is.
If his parents no longer send him money for anything he needs to know that.
“You should have just taken up work in that car shop in town,” Suguru’s father tells him and Suguru’s mouth twists in a sneer.
He’s been studying philosophy on a teacher’s degree for two years now and still his father never fails to bring that up.
“I understand,” Suguru says after a long pause where no one says anything and then simply hangs up on his parents.
His hand is shaking, he belatedly realises, and as if it was just waiting for him to notice the tremor spreads through his entire body. Suguru could have managed rent somehow; there is always need for someone to work more hours at the coffee shop he works at after all. But adding his tuition fees to that? There’s no way he will be able to pay for that as well.
Suguru thought he had something good going for him, built a life of his own with Satoru—no matter how platonic it might be—but now he realises that it was like a castle build on sand.
And it’s all coming down around him.
Suguru doesn’t know how he’s going to cover all of his expenses, doesn’t know how he’ll work enough hours and study at the same time but there is one thing he definitely knows.
Satoru can never know about this.
~*~*~
Suguru applied for several scholarships, most of which accepted him. That means he has most of his tuition fees covered, but he has to maintain his grades. And working three shifts at two different jobs is not helping with that.
Suguru barely sleeps these days, spending his days working or studying—and sometimes both—and he only eats what he can scarf down on his way to classes or work.
It’s all something he can cope with, somehow, by telling himself that it’s temporary, that it will get better once he finished his studies and takes up a full-time job but the one thing he cannot cope with is not being able to see Satoru.
Their schedules were erratic at best even before this entire mess happened but now Suguru is barely home. He leaves before Satoru is up and comes back home long after he has gone to sleep—if Suguru comes home at all and doesn’t pull an all-nighter in the library—and he misses Satoru something fierce.
He misses his stupid hair and his stupid glasses and the ease with which they always fit together, be it working around each other in the kitchen or snuggling up on the couch for a movie.
Suguru just misses him and some days he thinks all of this is not worth it.
He knows he can just tell Satoru the truth; Satoru is loaded enough that none of this would even make a dent and he would be willing to cover Suguru’s expenses, Suguru knows that.
But it doesn’t feel right.
He wants them to be equals, wants them to be able to stand next to each other and while Suguru is sure that Satoru still could do that, he knows himself well enough to know that he could never forget about the huge debt he owes Satoru.
And he doesn’t want this to poison his relationship with Satoru.
It’s not as if you’re going to have much of a relationship with him anymore, if things continue like that, a tiny voice says in the back of Suguru’s head and he hates how right it is.
He hasn’t talked to Satoru in almost a week. He barely has time to answer his texts and Suguru hates every second of it.
And it seems Satoru feels the same because when Suguru drags his exhausted self home, Satoru is waiting for him at the kitchen table.
It’s way past Satoru’s bedtime and immediately, Suguru feels guilty.
“Why are you still up?” he asks, even though he damn well knows why. It’s his fault.
He ignores the pang in his chest at finally seeing Satoru again and lets himself fall into one of the empty chairs. It feels as if his entire being aches; most of it is lack of sleep and over-working himself but a good part is also due to the distance to Satoru.
“Great question,” Satoru gives back and he sounds pissed. “Why are you never home anymore?” he then asks and he’s glaring at Suguru.
“I’m busy,” Suguru tells him and it’s not even a lie.
He’s so busy these days.
“Are you mad at me?” Satoru asks next and Suguru jerks at the question.
“No,” he rushes to reassure Satoru. “It has nothing to do with you. I’m just busy.”
“Why? It wasn’t like that before. What happened?”
Suguru knows that Satoru just wants to help, just wants to understand and it would be so easy to tell him, to take what he will no doubt offer and then finally be able to sleep for more than four hours at once again.
But Suguru’s pride won’t allow it.
“Nothing happened. Work just picked up and studies, too. That’s all. It’s nothing you need to worry about.”
“I do, though. Suguru, you look like shit. I haven’t seen you in a week and you’re barely yourself anymore. You don’t text back, you’re never home and you don’t talk to me. Of course I worry.”
“It’s nothing,” Suguru whispers out, his eyes burning. He can’t keep looking at Satoru or he’s going to have a minor break down, he just knows it.
“It’s not nothing,” Satoru says with conviction and sometimes Suguru hates how incredibly persistent he can be. “I give you a week. If things don’t change by then, I will make you tell me what’s going on.”
It’s a promise but to Suguru it feels like a threat. There is no way he can manage to even his workload out enough to spend more time with Satoru and he damn well knows that if Satoru really puts his mind to it, he can force Suguru to tell him everything.
“Please don’t,” Suguru mutters but Satoru only gives him a hard glare.
“I miss you, Suguru,” Satoru says and Suguru’s heart aches.
“I miss you, too,” he admits, and at least that comes easy to him.
“Then talk to me,” Satoru implores him but Suguru shakes his head, causing Satoru to sigh. “Fine. A week then. Better have a convincing lie ready, if you don’t want me to know the truth.”
He leaves Suguru with that, lets the words fall around Suguru like heavy stones and the added weight barely even registers for Suguru. He’s spread too thin already; he can’t worry about this as well now.
He’ll just have to make up something on the spot in a week because he doesn’t doubt for a second that Satoru is going to keep his promise.
~*~*~
Suguru has been home exactly two times since his talk with Satoru and he has half a mind to simply not go home once the week he was given is up. But he knows Satoru well enough to know that he will track him down and Satoru will make sure they are having this talk, no matter where.
And Suguru would prefer it if it wasn’t in public.
So when the seven days are up, he does make his way back home. He knows Satoru will be there and waiting for him because he received a threatening message not even an hour ago.
Be home at 5pm sharp or else is all it says and since this is Satoru the or else could literally be anything.
And Suguru is not going to take that chance.
He still doesn’t know what he’s going to tell Satoru, doesn’t know how to lie to him convincingly—and never has, if he’s being honest—and he also doesn’t know how to explain in a way that won’t make Satoru incredibly angry.
This evening, Suguru can only lose.
This time Satoru is waiting for him on the couch and he doesn’t even say anything. He just waits for Suguru to sit down and then pierces him with the most searching gaze Suguru ever had the misfortune to be under and just like that, he breaks.
He has always been incredibly easy for Satoru.
“My parents think we are together,” is the first thing out of his mouth and Satoru isn’t quick enough to hide just how hurt he is by that, by the thought that Suguru is avoiding him to prevent rumors.
“They are not even here,” he hisses, though even his anger feels lacking. “Why are you trying so hard to disprove that?”
“It’s not like that,” Suguru says and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees and hanging his head. “They cut me off. It’s a convenient excuse for them; that and the fact that I’m studying instead of working like they think I should.”
“They cut you—is this about money?” Satoru almost yells out and now his anger seems so much more real.
“Yes,” Suguru simply says and he still doesn’t know how to explain this to Satoru.
Satoru never had to want for money in his life.
There is a long moment of silence.
“How many jobs are you working?” Satoru finally wants to know and Suguru closes his eyes.
He’s so tired.
“Two. Three shifts.”
“And your studies?”
“I have to maintain my grades for the scholarships I applied to.”
“You’re working yourself to the ground.”
Suguru can’t even refute that. He has lost even more weight this week and he fears at this point the eyebags will be permanent.
“Why not—“ Satoru starts before he scoots closer to Suguru’s side, gently pressing their knees together as if he’s checking if he’s still allowed.
Suguru presses back.
“I know this has occurred to you, but why not ask me?” Satoru quietly asks and Suguru shudders.
It would be so easy.
“I can’t,” he whispers out and feels like shit when Satoru takes the liberty to melt against his side.
His weight is familiar and something inside of Suguru that has ached for all this time finally relaxes.
“Why not?” Satoru’s voice matches his and Suguru’s eyes burn.
He’s not sure if it’s a lack of sleep or tears.
“I would always remember the debt I owe you. We both know I could never pay you back. I know you wouldn’t care,” Suguru says before Satoru can say it, “but I do. It would always hang over me. I don’t want that.”
“So you’d rather not see me at all anymore,” Satoru mutters, resting his head on Suguru’s shoulder. “Is that what you want? To not be in debt but—you’d lose me.”
“I hated every second of the last two weeks,” Suguru fervently whispers and grasps for Satoru’s hand. “I hated it. But I don’t know what to do. I don’t know anymore.”
The lack of sleep has not been helping with his ability to think clearly and the lack of Satoru in his life hasn’t made it easier, either. It’s almost as if he has been on withdrawal lately and he leans more heavily against Satoru.
He has to catch up on a lot of missed time.
“I know what to do,” Satoru says and there is confidence in his words but he moves away from Suguru.
Before Suguru can mourn the loss of warmth at his side, Satoru cups his cheek in his hand and turns his face so he’s looking straight at Satoru.
“I want an honest answer, Suguru,” Satoru demands and he only goes on when Suguru nods.
He can’t tear his eyes away from Satoru’s eyes. He almost forgot how blue they are.
“Do you love me?” Satoru asks him and Suguru’s breath catches in his chest.
Suguru knows what Satoru is asking; this is not about their friendship. This is about everything else, all the things they have never talked about and always just took for granted between them.
Still, the answer comes easy to Suguru, because nothing has been quite as true for him as this.
“Yes,” he simply says and Satoru nods as if he didn’t expect anything else.
“Marry me,” he says next and now that catches Suguru completely off guard.
“What?” he breathes out, because surely he must have misheard.
“Marry me,” Satoru repeats. “Be my husband. Let us share everything.”
It is everything Suguru never dared to imagine for himself but he can’t bring himself to agree like he so desperately wants.
Not if Satoru is only doing this for him.
“If you think you can trick me into saying yes so there won’t be debt between us, then you’re wrong,” he says, and his voice almost doesn’t shake. “You don’t have to do that. I’ll figure something out.”
“Suguru,” Satoru says and still, his gaze is just as piercing as before. “It’s not like that, and you know it.”
“Do I? It’s not as if you’ve said something about how you feel,” Suguru almost childishly gives back, but the lack of a confession from Satoru stings.
“I regularly tell you that you’re my one and only. Of course I love you. I’ve loved you since the day I met you.”
“Not true,” Suguru chokes out and now those are definitely tears. “You hated me then.”
“Because I knew how important you’d be to me and I was thrown off,” Satoru immediately replies and there is no doubt in his voice. “It’s always been you.”
“It’s always been you for me, too,” Suguru admits because even the thought of someone else being this important to him is laughable.
It has been Satoru and it always will be Satoru.
“Then marry me. Be my husband and let me share your burden for once. God knows you share enough of mine already.”
“I don’t mind. I never have,” Suguru promises him and his heart feels close to bursting when Satoru smiles at him. And he has missed this so fiercely that he just has to lean forward and taste the smile for himself.
“I know that you don’t mind,” Satoru says when they part. “And I won’t mind having to share this. Or anything else that might come up. As long as it’s you, I won’t mind anything.”
Suguru searches his face for a long moment, fearing to see any traces of doubt but there’s only conviction and love in Satoru’s eyes.
And so there is only one answer Suguru can give.
“Okay.”