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Halsin situated himself comfortably onto the bedroll, smiling easily up at Astarion. The smile that indented the swell of his cheeks and highlighted the gleeful spark in his eyes.
Astarion was caught between a grimace and a sneer, staring down at him like roadkill.
Halsin couldn’t contain his small snicker.
“Don’t laugh!” Astarion seethed, grinding his teeth.
“Sorry, I’m sorry!” Halsin chuckled. “You’re quite cute when you make that face.”
They were both in their bedclothes, attempting to lie down for a rest. The camp had long since died down, leaving only the druid, the rogue, and the sounds of fireflies now. Astarion thought the quiet would calm his nerves. He thought that it was all his head, that as soon as it was just him, alone with Halsin, he could prove that all his suave confidence wasn’t all just a display.
But it was. And he was afraid.
But why? Why did this have to be so difficult for him? Why did he have to make it so difficult? Why couldn’t he just shoulder this feeling like he did every other?
Why did Halsin stay with him, when he was just a sentient pile of broken pieces? He fought Halsin on every front, gave him nothing but friction and tears and difficulty. He was good for sex, sure, he knew that . But Astarion couldn’t seem to do anything besides that right.
He shouldn’t be such a coward. He shouldn’t feel so afraid. He’s felled beasts and monstrosities and shadow creatures, but he froze at the prospect of common intimacy.
“Honey.” Halsin rumbled lowly, making at least some of the fear fall away from Astarion’s shoulders. He reached out and caressed Astarion’s ankle gently, trying to pull him back into reality. “We don’t have to do this tonight if you don’t want to.”
“But I do.” Astarion pleaded, begging with Halsin to just understand, to spare Astarion the burden of putting it all into words. “I do. It’s just- it’s…” His voice faltered and he sighed, trying to compartmentalize everything, trying to push it all away, trying to just be here because he wanted to just be here, he did!
“...My heart-” Halsin began.
Astarion fell to his knees next to where Halsin was laying, smacking him lightly as if reprimanding an animal. “ Hush. If you speak anymore you’ll talk me out of it and I’ll lord it over you for days.”
Halsin laid obediently still, and said nothing more. Secretly, Astarion had wished he had. The banter was helping distract him from his current predicament.
“Okay. Okay.” Astarion whispered to himself, trying to gather the courage to lie down. He awkwardly patted the swell of Halsin’s middle, needing to do something with his hands.
The druid gave a short snicker.
“ Halsin.” Astarion seethed, face pinched in annoyance.
“Apologies, my love.” Halsin choked out, trying so very hard not to laugh. He turned his head up toward the pole of the tent so Astarion couldn’t see his comical smile.
“ Incorrigible.” Astarion muttered under his breath, though it came out in a tone so fond that it lost all of its usual bite.
Astarion dropped his head down onto Halsin’s chest so suddenly it surprised him, forcing a small oof from his chest.
“ Sorry, sorry…” Astarion gasped, lifting himself back up again.
“No, no-'' Halsin reached a hand out but stopped himself short of resting it on the back of Astarion’s neck to pull him back down. He bit his lip as he finally put it back behind his head with no small amount of effort. It had to be Astarion’s choice. Astarion’s decision. That’s what this was all about. If Halsin just pulled him back down, all Astarion had to do was let Halsin take control and drift off someplace else.
Astarion needed to be the one to initiate intimacy. He needed to know he had the freedom of choice- that Halsin would be here for him regardless of how long it took or how difficult it was for him.
The druid gave a thick sigh, wishing he could just ease it all away. “...It’s alright. You’re okay.”
Astarion nodded jerkily, mind somewhere far away and brows knit in frustration.
He gingerly laid himself back down again, head cushioned gently on Halsin’s chest.
Halsin wanted to wrap him up, steal him away. Wanted to hide him from the world. Wanted to be selfish, just this one, just for Astarion. He looked so fragile on his chest- so unsure and afraid. So breakable.
“What-” Astarion choked out. He gave a thick gulp, and Halsin could feel his fingers fidgeting together at his side. “What am I supposed to do with my hands?”
“Whatever you would like.” Halsin promised gently. “Whatever you need.”
Astarion nodded, equal parts endeared and frustrated. Part of him wished Halsin would just tell him, tell him what to do and how to do it. Tell him what the right way to love him was.
But that’s what tonight was about. There was no right way, because to Halsin, there was no wrong way.
Halsin would adore him no matter the medium Astarion’s love took, just as long as it was Astarion’s, and not a product of his trauma or obligation.
He settled for throwing an arm over Halsin’s middle, the other kept tucked unsurely between their bodies.
“How do you feel, love?” Halsin whispered, ducking down to nose gently through Astarion’s curls.
How does he feel? He tries to squint his eyes shut, to force himself back, to force himself here. He’s safe here. Halsin’s not going to touch him in any way he doesn’t want him to. He doesn’t have to float away. He’s okay here.
Halsin’s warm. Astarion can feel his heartbeat through his chest, and it’s something steady and strong and safe. With every beat of Halsin’s heart, Astarion knows that no harm could possibly come to him. Not here, not with Halsin. Not as long as he breathes.
“Talk to me, Astarion.” Halsin pleads.
Astarion takes a moment to bite his lip and remember what Halsin had asked him.
“Cold.” He mumbled petulantly.
Halsin chuckles deep in his chest, reverberating out through his sternum. It feels like something precious and beautiful beneath Astarion’s cheek.
“Would you be amenable to my holding you, then?” Halsin whispered gently.
Astarion couldn’t help it. He huffed out a small laugh, smile crushed into Halsin’s skin. “I suppose.”
Halsin’s arms wrapped around him and just like before, their bodies slot together perfectly. Astarion doesn’t know if Halsin was made to settle for him, but he’s confident that he was made for the purpose of being held by Halsin.
Halsin gave him a small squeeze, and Astarion’s body finally relaxed, every force of fear and contempt flushing out of him with a long sigh.
He’d never been held by someone the way Halsin holds him.
He’d never had much room for cuddling during his awful escapades for Cazador of course, but even besides that. When people touched him, smiled at him, hugged him, it felt too much like capture. It felt like he was being caged in, held down, forced small once again by the brute force of just how much others needed him to silence his neediness. He felt like that scared little boy again, crying into the dark: how much is enough? How small would I have to be for you to love me? How quiet?
Halsin’s hold is different- so different. When Halsin holds him, hugs him, touches him, it feels like he’s being steadied. It feels less like Halsin is trying to weigh him down and more like he’s trying to anchor Astarion to the earth. Halsin holds him like he doesn’t trust the world with Astarion, like if he tries hard enough, he can tuck Astarion away and keep him safe there.
Halsin’s hold is steady and strong and soft. When Halsin squeezes his waist, or sighs into his hair, or rubs his thumbs over the swell of Astarion’s cheeks, it’s like new life is being breathed back into him.
Astarion could die in Halsin’s arms, and it’s a scary thought, yes, but it’s mostly the most beautiful feeling Astarion has ever been a part of.
With that in mind, Astarion squirms ever closer to him, spurned on by Halsin’s warm, perfect hold. His leg finds its way thrown over Halsin’s waist, his other tangled in with Halsin’s. His face is tucked perfectly into Halsin’s neck, breathing in his warmth.
With Astarion’s fear finally seeping away from his body, he has an instinct to close his eyes and cling while he still can. He holds Halsin like he’s a life buoy, like Halsin is going to save his life .
He sometimes forgets, amongst his snark and his defensiveness and his fear, how much he needs to be held. How much he’s missed it.
Despite all that’s happening his head, what Astarion says, muffled against Halsin’s neck, is- “This is so silly.”
“Silly?” Halsin chuckled.
“What even is the purpose of this?” He grumbles. “What do you get out of it?”
Halsin hums happily, preening like a sunbathing reptile. “I get to hold you, my dear.”
“Hm.” Astarion hums non committedly. “And…what are we supposed to do now?”
“Whatever you would like.” Halsin sighs happily, nuzzling his face into Astarion’s curls like he’s been waiting to do it for eons. “We can talk, or we can kiss, or we could simply sleep.” He offers as if he’d be content with any of them. He gives a big yawn, body flexing a bit before once more falling lax. Astarion can’t help but think he looks like a big bear ready for hibernation. “Is there anything on your mind?”
Astarion bites his lip a moment before sighing into Halsin’s neck. “...Why do you stay with me, despite how difficult it is? Why do you choose to care for me despite the trouble that I bring?”
Halsin gave a sad huff. “...Oh, my perfect Star-”
“I don’t mean-!” Astarion faltered for a moment. He wasn’t looking for Halsin’s usual rant about love and its reach. He wasn’t sure what exactly he was looking for, really. He regrets opening his mouth as it were. They’d had a perfect moment and now Astarion was ruining it with his neediness. “I mean…what is it about me that keeps you? Why do you stay?”
“Well…I would tell you that your beauty rivals that of nature’s most resplendent acres, but you know that already.” Halsin chuckled.
Astarion wasn’t fishing for petty flattery, Halsin knew what that sounded like. It was usually be my mirror or a simple tell me I’m beautiful so I can call it a day. No, this was something more. Something Astarion had been looking for in everyone, even Cazador, for all his long years in life.
Honestly, any opportunity to bathe Astarion in worship and love was a good one to Halsin. He’d always been a factory of love. He overflowed with it. He had quite so much of it that it often startled people away from him, in fact. Ever since they’d met, his mind and his heart had overflowed with pretty words and heartbreaking adoration for Astarion. He was filled to bursting with the things he could tell Astarion to prove he was worthy of love.
Perhaps that’s why they were drawn to each other. Halsin had so much love in his heart- so very much - that he leaked with it, overflowed with it, overwhelmed himself and others with it. He didn’t quite know what to do with it all. And Astarion wanted so desperately for someone to love him intensely enough that he finally allowed himself to believe in it.
“I adore everything about you, Astarion.” Halsin hummed in broken sincerity. “You’re so smart- the most brilliant man I’ve ever met. You are an accomplished strategist and a well of unappreciated knowledge.” He could feel Astarion’s face heating up, his sweet smile hiding further in his shoulder. “Your kindness is hidden and so very difficult to see, and yet it shines brighter than the hottest star in the sky. You have a heart that bleeds for others, and if I let you, you would feed every starving child we met with every drop of lifeblood you have left.”
He brought Astarion’s knuckles to his lips, pressing firm kisses into the skin, so soft and delicate compared to Halsin’s own. “You are so brave, so strong, so protective, so perfect.” He laid Astarion’s hand over his heart, hoping maybe he could pump his love directly from his heartbeat and into Astarion’s veins. “I suppose it is your soul that I adore, Astarion. I would know you in any shape or form you could take.”
“Would you?” Astarion choked out in challenge. Like he didn’t fully believe Halsin. Like he wanted Halsin to prove it, somehow.
How could anyone love something so broken? So destined to fall apart? Astarion was made of stained glass, a figure methodically smashed to pieces for the sake of being beautiful. He felt that any strong wind or misstep would send him tumbling and crashing to pieces.
Halsin moved around a bit until he could press his forehead to Astarion’s, curls and oily brown hair splaying together like an oil painting. He held Astarion’s gaze and refused to let it drift. Halsin felt he would die if he went even a second longer without Astarion knowing just how heavy he sat on Halsin’s heart.
“I would love you were you a wily barn cat, and I a tired cow. If you were the smallest beetle and I a sunflower. If you were the very light of the moon, and I a lovedrunk sailor, gawking helplessly upward.” Astarion’s eyes widened and watered, and his lip quivered in that way it normally did, when he was overwhelmed. “I love you like a blind dog to its master. I love you like a boat to the sea. I love you like men to war.”
It was then Astarion let out a broken, squeaking noise, pushing Halsin’s face away before burying his face back into Halsin’s neck. His body shook with quiet sobs, soaking Halsin’s neck.
Halsin held him. Steady and warm and strong.
“I love you every day.” Halsin insisted, whisper soft. “I love you in every life.” He promised. “There’s so much to love about you, so much more than your body, that I find myself bursting with it.”
Astarion let out a wheezing sob, whimpering against Halsin’s skin.
When he was done- seconds, minutes, hours later -Halsin was still there, still holding him, stroking gently through his hair.
Halsin didn’t push him away, didn’t hush his cries, didn’t fall asleep and leave him alone.
He doesn’t know when he’ll be able to say I love you quite as freely as Halsin. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to.
But he does. He loves Halsin. He would look for Halsin in every life, the same way Halsin would wait for him in all of his.
“Can we do this again?” Astarion warbles, sniveling. “Tomorrow?” His head feels heavy and cotton filled. He’s tired- tired in a way he knows means he’s going to get good sleep. All wrapped up in a human furnace as he is, there’s no way for him not to. He’s surprised he’s stayed awake this long.
Halsin rubbed a thumb over Astarion’s cheek, wiping away a stray tear. “We can do this every day of our lives, as far as I’m concerned.”
That sounded nice. Not quite so scary.