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"Would you like a hot stone, ser?" asks Satin from the doorway. "To keep you warm out here?"
Although the summer snows at the Wall have nothing on the freezing swirls that used to eat them alive during the war, Jaime is still cold. Perhaps it is because he is twenty years older now and his bones ache more easily. Nevertheless, he does not want a hot stone. It feels a luxury, somehow. A luxury he does not deserve.
"No, I am quite alright," says Jaime to his steward, keeping his eye resolutely on the small train of people in the distance as he pulls his cloak more firmly around him. "I am going to stay out here while you deal with our guests... make sure they are comfortable, and you have bread and salt available for them... and a Dornish red. Brienne loves her Dornish wine."
Satin nods, his eyes full of knowing, then returns through the door into the Lord Commander's chambers. Jaime has known Satin for many years – twenty, by his count – and is a good pick for Steward, as he knows when the Lord Commander wishes to be left alone. Jaime is thankful for Satin's sensitivity. Right now, there's nothing more he wants in the world than to be alone.
Alone with the snow and her silhouette on the horizon.
Jaime keeps out of the way when she arrives. Lady Brienne Hunt is attended to by Satin, and she, her husband, and her son are given accommodation befitting their rank. Although there is nothing more that he wants to do than go out and see her, Jaime holds back, teetering on the edge of terror. He is no longer that handsome, golden man she had shared many a pleasurable evening with during the Long Night. He's old, creaking, his hair now silver and grey. He might have loved her long these past twenty years, but Jaime is not sure it is the same for Brienne. She is Lady Hunt, the Evenstar – surely her long ago dalliance with the Kingslayer is now a forgotten tale from her youth? Brienne is made for love, and Jaime is sure a hundred more worthy men have poured the contents of their hearts into his lady besides him. Why would she hold onto him in the way he has her?
"Lord Commander," says Satin when he comes to visit him in his chamber, once the guests are settled. "One of the visitors wishes to see you."
Jaime looks up, his stomach in his mouth. It is amazing how the mere thought of her can send his heart fluttering like a boy of six-and-ten, even after all these years. Satin perhaps senses Jaime's exhilaration, so he makes things a little clearer, filling in the details.
"It is Jonos, the son of Lord and Lady Hunt. He wishes to join the Night's Watch."
As quickly as Jaime's excitement has bloomed, it dies. When Jaime had first come to the Wall to take up the role of Lord Commander – forsaking Brienne in order to fulfil an oath to the dead Jon Snow – his love had refused to write. Brienne had returned to Tarth with Pod and Hyle, furious that Jaime had chosen the Wall over a life with her. He had understood her fury, because she had not seen Jon Snow's icy face, the desperate look in his eye on the night he took his corpse bride to the weirwood grove.
"Be the watcher on the wall," Jon had begged of Jaime, even as his eyes turned cerulean blue. "You are the only one I trust to do what is right. You are the only one who knows what true sacrifice is."
Jaime's punishment had been Brienne's silence. As he fought to rebuild the Night's Watch, Brienne had gone back on Tarth, playing the dutiful wife and mother with Hyle Hunt. As the years passed, her anger subsided into a resigned longing, and he received a few letters from her, detailing the mundane in her life.
Hyle and I married...
We've had our first child... I've named him Jaime.
Oh gods, I wish I could do all this with you...
Jaime had sometimes replied, telling her how happy he was for her, but had kept his own misery close to his chest. His duties meant that he could not have a happy life with the woman he truly wanted, and he subsequently tried to push her away, holding her away from his heart. He has not laid eyes on her in twenty whole years.
But now she's here... and he cannot find the words to say.
"Jonos Hunt is a boy. He does not know what he really wants."
"Yet he's here to join our number," says Satin again. "You should speak to him."
Jaime sighs. The young know not what they do.
"I'll speak to Lady Hunt first, to see if she knows whether her lad is signing away his life. I am sure she will have something to say on the matter."
There is a small garden below the Lord Commander's Tower set aside for Jaime's personal use. It is barren and devoid of flowers, but he can find a solace here that is not to be grasped elsewhere on the Wall. He has asked that Lady Hunt meet him here. Jonos Hunt may be enthusiastic to pledge his life to the Watch, but it is his mother who truly rules the roost, and Jaime is determined to speak to her for the boy's sake.
At least... that is what he tells himself.
Jaime waits in a hushed silence, trying to work out what to say. Will he try to be standoffish? Even since he had seen Jonos Hunt from a distance – with his brown hair and brown eyes – Jaime's stomach had been twisted up with jealousy. He sees nothing of Brienne in the boy, only Hyle Hunt. Maybe indifference will hurt less? Or perhaps he will not speak much and let Brienne do the talking? She is famously taciturn, so maybe she will put him out of his misery, and he will not have to endure the terror of her company for too long. Or–
Jaime hears the creak of the door and turns around in a heartbeat.
Brienne of Tarth is older now, her hair tinged white, but her eyes are still the same. Still blue, still endless. Jaime thought he had his heart better trained, but at the sight of her here, clad in the colours of her island, he feels so weak. The words catch in his mouth.
"Brienne, I–"
He cannot finish his sentence, as she steals his lies away. Brienne takes three short strides across the garden before pulling him in for a kiss, as hard and real as it had been when he had believed at the end of a long, dark night he could be with her. His hand comes to her cheek as she parts his lips with her tongue, skirting his teeth before kissing him deeply, passionately, carefully, until he is out of breath and can no longer focus.
"Gods, Jaime, I've missed you so."
Brienne has never been a good liar, especially to him, and so the truth comes tumbling out like warm honey.
"I am so sorry, my love. So sorry." Jaime wants her to know that he never intended for it to be this way. "I love you, I love you, I've always loved you... these twenty years."
A tear falls down his cheek, but she kisses it away.
"There is no time. Jonos will be here presently to discuss his position, so just kiss me. I do not want to waste a moment more."
Jaime obeys quite willingly, but performs his duty so diligently that Jonos Hunt suspects nothing when he comes upon them a few minutes later.