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Osamu Dazai’s heart rate rose steadily as his feet dangled over the water rushing under the bridge. The moonlight refracted uncomfortably over the agitated surface. It was not a deep river- But it was deep enough.
He wasn’t planning on it this time. Just fantasizing. Taking his final breath, finally experiencing life to the fullest, then never having to feel tired or annoying or pain or anything like that. It sounded divine, but always eluded him.
Dying with a woman would be ideal. Falling in love was part of life too, after all. But he honestly couldn’t see a long life alongside a woman. He was too unstable, too attracted to dangerous things, too apathetic in general. Everyone got tired of him eventually. He’d more or less learned that was part of the cycle. Some people were just quicker than others.
The depressing thoughts always came when he was alone. He should really go back to the ADA and sleep before they got too bad.
Honestly, thinking about it now, the willpower it took to attempt suicide and the willpower it took to walk away were really very similar.
With a deep sigh, he swung his legs up onto the bridge and stood up.
“Damn, and here I was hoping you’d jump.”
An incredibly familiar voice shocked Dazai briefly out of his thoughts. He spotted his old partner leaning against a lamppost a few feet away.
“All those years together, and you didn’t even try to talk me down?” Dazai asked, feigning offense.
“What’s the point?” Chuuya asked. “I don’t have anything encouraging to say to you.”
“I know. My lovely ray of sunshine, Chuuya.”
“You’re as weird as ever.”
“Hmm.” Dazai contemplated the face of the man in front of him, basking in the strange tension.
“Weren’t you going somewhere?”
He had been. But now that he had felt just a second of peace, he wasn’t quite ready to give it up. His peace at the cost of his old partner’s annoyance was a fair trade in his book.
“I thought Hell, but it seems I'm already here.” Dazai smirked. Chuuya’s lip rose into a scowl.
“Bitch. If you were going to die you would have done it a long time ago and you and I both fucking know it.”
“Maybe it’s you keeping me here.” Dazai’s own words were as much a surprise to him as to Chuuya. No such thoughts had come to mind before he said that.
“Fuck do you mean by that?” Chuuya asked.
“You know the soulmate theory, where everyone is actually half of a person, and you’re naturally drawn to your other half?”
“Duh.”
“I was just thinking on the bridge that I’ve never felt anything like that for a woman, even though I want to die with one.”
“What the hell are you on about?”
Dazai paused. He wasn’t even sure, really.
“I don’t really think I'm capable of loving anyone in the same way most people do,” He said slowly. “I thought of it as a part of life, and somehow my fucked up brain associated it with death.”
Chuuya sighed.
“I know that. I could have told you that ten years ago," he said. “Don’t tell me you’re just now realizing.”
“Of course not,” Dazai said, his face getting warm. “I just never said it out loud like this.”
“Well.” Chuuya sighed again. “I’m listening.”
“Don’t sound so excited about it,” Dazai replied drily.
“I can leave if you want, bastard.”
“No,” Dazai blurted. “Don’t.”
Chuuya raised an eyebrow.
“I don’t remember what I was even talking about.” Dazai mumbled.
“Soulmates.” Chuuya supplied.
“Oh. Right. I don’t think I have one.”
“I disagree.” Chuuya asserted. “I think you’re thinking about love in the wrong way.”
“What would you know?” Dazai scoffed. “You’ve got nothing in your heart but rage. Like a small dog or a wasp.”
“Not true.” Chuuya retorted, and Dazai was surprised to hear real emotion in his usually snippy voice. “I’ve been in love for years.”
Dazai froze.
What?
Chuuya, in love? He’d have noticed. Even in separate organizations, they always found each other. Chuuya couldn’t possibly have met someone without Dazai knowing.
“I don’t believe you. I’ve never even heard of you talking to a woman for more than a minute.”
Chuuya simply stared at Dazai with a heavy look in his eyes. Gradually, the pieces fell into place.
“Oh. Oh. “
“You’re a fucking idiot.”
“No shit.”
Dazai instinctively closed the distance between them. Things were falling into place now, things he probably should have realized a loooong time ago. Gently, he pulled Chuuya’s head into the crook of his shoulder, resting one hand on the back of his head and wrapping his other arm around his shoulders.
Chuuya was stiff only for a moment before melting into the other man’s embrace. He felt insanely small and fragile to Dazai, even though he was well aware of the power this man held. He felt Chuuya’s hands tentatively touch his back as he tried to return the embrace.
“I think you were right,” Dazai murmured into Chuuya’s hair.
“I’m always right,” He snapped, still buried in the other man’s shoulder. “You’re just a dumbass.”
Dazai chuckled.
“Can I kiss you now?” He asked. “Or do you wanna stay in there a little longer?”
“I’ve wanted to hear those words for fucking forever,” Chuuya groaned. “You have no idea.”
“Sorry,” Dazai apologized. And he meant it, for once.
“Shuddup.” Chuuya muttered, taking Dazai’s face between his hands and pulling it in.