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Quinlan focused on his studies, trying not to think too hard about the itching feeling of wondering where Obi-Wan was. Of feeling alone.
Of being out in the open without Obi-Wan. Without any restraints, able to escape any moment he pleased.
He reminded himself that those days were behind him, that he was just studying in the library, working on catching up so that he could become a Knight.
He wasn't actually that behind; he had finished the minimums before Stewjon. But he wanted to get ahead.
He was still doing mind healing and it would be a while before he was cleared for the field. He lacked the experience needed to be a knight.
And... though he hadn't discussed it with Master Tholme yet, his mind healer had encouraged him to consider if he wanted to remain a shadow, or if he wished to select another path. Now was the perfect time to switch if he wished.
That was one of the reasons he was taking classes. If he decided to do something differently, he would need the classes to back up his choice.
Mostly, though, classes were something of normalcy, and he wanted to feel normal again.
Quinlan found his thoughts straying to Obi-Wan again, wondering how he was doing.
After the initial tests, Obi-Wan was whisked off into his own mind healing and intense course of study. If he survived the studying, he would be allowed to become a Knight with some mission experience. If not, they would help him find something else.
Quinlan missed him.
But their mind healers were right. They had spent every day for more than two years together with few exceptions.
Which meant they needed to learn how to spend time apart, how not to rely on each other.
Quinlan caught glimpses from time to time.
Obi-Wan always looked so busy, so focused. So happy.
Without him.
Quinlan had broken under numerous punishments for escaping, and seemingly no way to escape.
He had accepted his fate, and consoled himself with the fact that Obi-Wan was better than he could have been stuck with. He had seen Obi-Wan’s siblings and others. His life could have been far worse after being captured.
He dedicated himself to helping Obi-Wan, to making him happy. Especially as he grew to sympathize with Obi-Wan. Once he realized Obi-Wan was Force sensitive and it could affect the family rituals once he turned eighteen, Quinlan had focused on helping Obi-Wan learn to use the Force.
Then came the rituals. Rituals that could be used by everyone, but were able to channel the Force, thanks to ritual circles and certain artifacts.
It had been no wonder that those who had the Force died in the rituals.
Quinlan helped Obi-Wan stay alive. And then he followed through on the vows that pets made, as the anchor of the ritual.
He had vowed to protect Obi-Wan above all else. At the time, he hadn't dreamed of being able to be a Jedi again. It was the only thing he could really do if he wanted to live, if he wanted Obi-Wan to live. The anchor had to say a vow, and as he had only just learned about a couple minutes ahead of time, he had no time to figure out a vow that was better.
That was probably where the itching sensation to look for Obi-Wan came from.
Everyone was researching vows and how to undo them, but months later, and there was still no sign of finding anything.
Quinlan was in no rush. It wasn't like he was getting back out in the field any time soon.
He was actually toying with the idea of becoming a crechemaster, but he wasn't sure he was ready for staying put entirely, despite everything.
Quinlan rubbed his head and sighed. He really had to focus on studying. Why was that so much harder lately?
He ended up packing up early so he could go to bed early. As he lay awake, he realized what it was.
Emptiness.
Without Obi-Wan around, Quinlan just felt empty.
He was home, he was training to be a Jedi once more, he was around his family, around people who understood him.
But he still felt so empty. Like there was nothing left ofr him.
Eventually Quinlan fell asleep and slept restlessly.
.
Quinlan took a deep breath and let it out.
It was just a small birthday celebration for Bant. Why was he so nervous?
It wasn't like this was the first time he had seen his friends in the last few months since he returned.
It was just... harder that day for some reason.
Quinlan pushed it aside. He was getting better. He could handle it. He'd even been out in Coruscant a few times. He could handle a little gathering for celebrating a birthday in the Temple.
Bant liked to keep these things small, anyway.
It should be fine.
Quinlan sighed and shook his head. He was just being ridiculous.
He entered the room and put his gift for Bant on the table.
He was relieved to see that aside from Bant, Luminara and Kit were there.
Out of all the friends he had reconnected with, those three were the closest.
Some of his other friends he had discovered had not actually been friends. Others did not handle his changes well.
Kit, Luminara, and Bant had not hesitated and had accepted his changes like they were nothing.
He felt less like he stood out thanks to them.
Quinlan greeted them and started chatting about the classes he was taking with them.
That was always a safe topic. Especially since Quinlan never did know what to talk about after everything.
He was still adjusting back to life in the Temple. He was still learning the gossip. What he had missed.
Classes were easy to talk about, as they were always ongoing, and maybe Kit and Luminara had taken those same classes.
By the time the party got underway, Quinlan had relaxed and forgotten his nerves.
There were a total of fifteen people in the room.
Considering how many people often were at Jedi parties, this was a small party.
Quinlan thought this was a decent size. It wasn't overwhelming, but there were just enough people he could blend into the background when he needed to take a break.
He enjoyed the party, but he couldn't get comfortable after a while. He ended up sitting on the floor.
That felt more natural.
Quinlan felt sick when it hit him why he was more comfortable on the floor.
After being trained as a pet, and mostly expected to sit on the floor whenever he wasn't in Obi-Wan's rooms, he still felt like it was wrong to sit on furniture.
He thought he was over that. Why was it getting worse?
But he had it under control before, didn’t he?
It wasn't like the others in the room, a mix of older teenagers and early twenties, weren't sitting on the floor.
He wasn't the odd one out.
He played games with them upon request, but he found himself trying more and more to fade into the background and be ignored.
He wasn't sure why.
Suddenly it was hard to breathe and he was alone and where was Obi-Wan? He was supposed to be with Obi-Wan like a good pet... he was going to be in so much trouble for being alone out in the palace and-
A familiar presence knocked on his shields in the Force.
Quinlan reached for Kit.
With Kit's presence, he was able to calm down.
When he finally did, what was actually going on flooded into his mind and he looked away, embarrassed.
"Sorry," he mumbled.
"It's okay. Panic attacks hit at the strangest of times," Kit assured him.
"Yeah, but it's Bant's birthday... I didn't want to ruin things..."
"It's okay, you didn't ruin anything, Quin," Bant assured him, wrapping him in a hug. "It was dying down, some people had already left."
Quinlan nodded slowly.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Luminara asked gently.
Quinlan burst into tears. "I thought I was getting better! But I just seem to be getting worse."
Kit hummed. "Sometimes associations can trigger things even when we don't realize it. Maybe a party, or a birthday?"
"Birthday... oh." Quinlan swallowed. "It was my birthday that there was an opportunity to escape."
Kit nodded. "Why don't we see if your mind healer is available for a session now?"
Quinlan blinked. "I... hadn't thought about that... good idea."
Kit handed him his comm; he'd apparently dropped it.
Quinlan shakily contacted his mind healer, and barely managed to get more than two sentences out before they interrupted.
"Take it easy, Quinlan. Breathe. I'm available now, for now, can you hand the comm to one of your friends so I can talk to them?"
Quinlan handed the comm to Kit and focused on grounding himself.
...it was so hard without Obi-Wan there.
Quinlan ended up crying and letting Bant comfort him while Luminara held one of his hands and used the Force for comfort.
Luminara was not comfortable with physical touch, but that didn't mean that she didn't try to offer comfort in the ways she was most comfortable.
When Kit hung up, he helped Quinlan to his feet to go see the mind healer.
Quinlan didn't protest. Not having to think was good. Just following along was always far easier than anything else.
And then he was suddenly in the mind healers office, sitting on a bean bag, and not sure what to say.
"I hear you had a setback today?"
"I thought that I was doing better," Quinlan said numbly. "I've been doing all the normal things, going to classes, studying, spending time with friends. I was doing better. But today... I just... fell apart. I was a pet, I needed Obi-Wan, I was supposed to stay near him, I'll be in trouble if anyone finds me and... then Kit reached out and calmed me down, but even after I snapped out of it I couldn't calm down entirely, I couldn't anchor myself and..." Quinlan let out a sigh.
"Take it easy, breathe. Setbacks are normal when recovering from something so deeply rooted as this."
Quinlan looked up. "Really? I'm not... I'm not doing things wrong?"
"No, you're not. You've been doing everything I ask. Which is actually a bit alarming, most patients do not do the extra work so diligently, they let it slide. You do not."
Quinlan sank deeper into the bean bag. "Oh."
"It's okay, Quinlan. It's just something I've observed. It's okay if you never feel like you can slack off. You do need to remember to take breaks, however."
"Right."
"Do you know why it got to you?"
Quinlan sighed. "I miss Obi. I miss debating different topics with him. I miss how simple life was before. I knew what to expect, as long as I was with him and kept to the rules I was fine, and once I stopped fighting, and especially after he turned eighteen, it was easy to do so... I don't know what I'm doing half the time. I'm not the same person I was. I'm nowhere near the padawan that was first captured."
Quinlan looked away, still trying to come up with the best way to put it.
"He's thriving, from what glimpses I've seen of him. I'm just... surviving. Life is going on. I don't know who I want to be, what I want to do. I don't think I can ever feel normal again."
"What do you mean?"
"I just feel... empty. I feel lonely when I'm not alone. I feel like there's nothing to fill the void and I don't understand why. I'm trying to be better, I want to be better, and it was nice to enjoy Bant's birthday, but then... then the panic hit and I just don't know. I'm so tired of trying and not making any progress."
"I see... Do you know what would help?"
Quinlan shook his head. "Isn't that your job?"
"Hmm." She made a note. "Tholme has expressed some concerns."
Quinlan cringed and curled up. "I hate disappointing him," he mumbled.
"He's not disappointed. He's worried. You're not advocating for yourself."
Quinlan shrugged.
"You're not asking for cuddles or being careful of your psychometry, when there are bad impressions you don't ask for accommodations, you pull your gloves on if you have them, but otherwise just move on. When issues come up in classes, when the teachers are being unfair to you, you brushed it off and ignore it, like it did not matter."
"It doesn't. Not compared to what I went through. I... I only could trust Obi with that. He sympathized with me and hated the methods they used, but he was so lonely he was relieved when I decided to stop trying to escape. I'm not used to being able to speak up anymore. Not that it did much good with some teachers and healers before, so that's even less reason to speak up."
"Forget all that for a bit, Quinlan. What do you want? What will help you feel safe, and secure, what will help fill the emptiness you're feeling?"
Quinlan didn't want to answer. He didn't think the answer would be accepted. He closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath.
He had promised to be as honest as he could manage in mind healing. Not being honest would make it harder to get better.
The mind healer needed to know in order to help him.
Quinlan didn't look up as he finally started talking.
"I want to see Obi, I miss his cuddles. He's the one person I've ever cuddled where I never felt like I was intruding, and who would cuddle back just as much, no matter when I initiated the cuddles. I know Tholme doesn't much like cuddling, but he always did it for me, and I want to be able to give him more space now that I'm getting better and I'm an adult and don't need it quite as much. Obi's always been different. I think he was starved of affection too and he understands why I need it so much."
Quinlan still couldn't bring himself to look up, though he could hear her taking notes.
"I want to see Obi thriving with my own eyes. I need to see that I did good, that I was right to ask him to come home with me, I want to see him growing and happy, with or without me. I want to have his support at my side. Before we agreed it was for the best to take time apart, I felt like I could do anything so long as I knew he was there supporting me and now I don't know that I can ever do anything well again."
The mind healer waited to be sure he was done.
"Do you think that maybe the problem is that after what you went through, you don't have a stable foundation here anymore?"
Quinlan frowned, confused by the question. After a moment he nodded hesitantly.
"I don't really know anyone anymore," he said softly. "It's been two years, that's enough time for everyone to change, and they have, but really, I'm the problem. I've been through something they can't imagine, and I don't know where to find my footing. Master Tholme is great, he's always there when I need him but he's always been in my corner, and I'm safe at home, just lonely... but in the Temple... It's a lot of people, a lot of people who didn't know me to begin with and now they're expecting me to misbehave when it's the farthest thing from my mind. I just want to be able to be a Knight, to heal, recover, take classes and learn... But everyone is watching me and I don't... I can't anchor myself against the feelings."
"Then maybe we took the wrong approach."
Quinlan blinked, finally looking up. "What?"
"I think that it would have been better not to separate you and Obi-Wan, so that you had his presence to help you feel stable and secure. We can work on separation once you have adjusted better to being home. I'll talk to his mind healer and see if we can come up with a plan."
Quinlan hesitated. It sounded wonderful. "What if I act like a pet?"
"That will be our first goal, to help you get to the point you don't revert to that around him when you're feeling uncertain."
"Oh... So... baby steps."
"Yes. What would you want for yourself in the end of all this? What will being healed look like for you?"
Quinlan bit his lip. "Taking my trials, standing on my own as a Knight, in whatever path I decide on. Dating Obi. Being able to go anywhere without getting lost in my head. Not feeling like I'm going to get hurt if I do something to even toe the line. Being able to think about taking on a padawan without worrying about if my trauma will hurt them."
"Those are good goals. You don't know what path you'll take?"
Quinlan shrugged. "I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a shadow anymore. Too much trauma to risk on the undercover missions. Even if I heal enough for the regular sorts of missions, I'm not sure I will ever be able to shake obedience entirely, or handle torture. It was.... it was awful, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone... I just... I don't think I can put myself at risk like that."
"It's always good to know your limits and do your best to avoid the possible triggers. What do you think you'll do instead?"
"I don't know... that's why I've been taking so many classes. To figure it out. But it's hard when I just feel empty all the time."
"I understand. By the end of this round of classes, I want you to make some decisions, eliminate the classes you hated, mark the ones you could see yourself continuing, and consider adding ones you've skipped. We can discuss what paths are available based on that before you select your next classes."
Quinlan nodded. "Okay... Thank you. It's easier discussing it with you rather than Master Tholme or anyone else... They just want to see me be normal and I... I can't be what they expect. I don't even know what my normal will be yet."
"That is normal. A lot of people have trouble adjusting to the ways that people are traumatized and in figuring out how best to help them. If you want to be normal, they'll try to treat you as normal, but don't quite realize how it appears. It's okay to struggle with that. Do you need me to talk to Tholme?"
Quinlan hesitated then shook his head. "No, not yet. I'm... I need a bit more time, I think."
"Of course. Take your time. Healing doesn't come when rushed."
.
Obi-Wan was surprised to be called to see his mind healer.
He was even more surprised to see Quinlan's mind healer, and Quinlan there too.
Obi-Wan frowned. He hadn't seen Quinlan much since they started working on things, but he didn't seem okay.
He almost seemed worse.
Quinlan gave him a small smile, then resumed looking at his hands as he fidgeted.
Obi-Wan watched him, worried, until the mind healers finally got to the point.
His head shot up. "Really? I can spend time with Quin again?"
"We'll be taking precautions. We want you to be able to be a healthy couple eventually, but right now the dynamics leave much to be desired."
Obi-Wan nodded seriously. He had been paying attention in his classes, and had studied up on what codependency meant.
He didn't want that for Quinlan. Quinlan deserved better than that.
He listened to the boundaries and guidelines they laid out. Apparently both Qui-Gon and Tholme had agreed to them.
Then the meeting was over and it was just him and Quinlan.
Obi-Wan moved to sit by Quinlan. "Hey, what's going on? You don't seem happy."
Quinlan immediately hugged Obi-Wan and did not let go for a bit. "I... I know you've been thriving but I've been floundering. I keep panicking about getting in trouble because I'm out and about without you. And I've been feeling really lonely."
"Oh... I'm sorry. That's why we're trying something different, isn't it? Because it's not working."
Quinlan nodded. "I thought I was doing better but then I had a panic attack towards the end of Bant's birthday party and had to have an emergency session."
"I'm sorry. Bant's a padawan healer, right?"
"She is. We were in the same clan in the creche."
"She's nice."
Quinlan nodded, leaning on Obi-Wan. "Are you really okay with this?"
"Why wouldn't I be, Quin? I missed you. I want you to get better too. And I love you. I'm happy to be spending time with you again. Doesn't matter what everyone else thinks."
Quinlan smiled. "Alright. I just hope I can adjust to walking with you and not behind you."
"I'm sure you can. We never did things totally traditionally, only if others were around. I'm sure it'll be fine."
Quinlan let out a breath. "I should introduce you to my friends."
"I'd like that. First though, I think we should both go get something to eat."
"...good point." Quinlan admitted sheepishly as he stood.
Obi-Wan grinned at him. "You're getting better, I can tell. We can get through this. We both want to be better, and we both need the stability of the other." He stood with Quinlan.
"You do?"
Obi-Wan nodded. "I miss our debates, and studying together. This is so far away from home, I don't know what I'm doing... and it scares me. I need a familiar face around. That's you. And there's more than that but we can get into that another time. For now, food."
Quinlan smiled. "Food."