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Quinlan took a deep breath in and let it out. 

He glanced at Tholme, but his master was calm and walking with a purpose.

Which meant that Quinlan was not going to get any clue as to what this meeting with Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, Jocasta, the Council and possibly some healers or other Jedi was about.

Quinlan hated not knowing. It made him anxious. 

He knew a large part of that was that when he was a pet on Stewjon, knowing what was going on meant that he could brace himself. The more he knew, the more he knew how he would be treated, and the easier it was to stay out of trouble or formulate the appropriate apologies. 

He had never liked not knowing. He was too curious for his own good, it was easier to deal with if he knew what was going on, and he just didn't like secrets about himself. But he could handle it, and he had trusted Tholme would do what was best for him.

But since he had returned, with Obi-Wan, things had been different. He had spent most of the year recovering from the trauma and undoing the bad thought patterns he had been developing due to the circumstances. 

He had felt inadequate. He knew he disappointed Tholme that he was not the same as he used to be. He knew that there were things that he might always struggle to do.

Worse, he knew that there were things they discussed about his situation, about Obi-Wan's, about the struggle to wean him and Obi-Wan off of the unhealthy codependency they had developed as Obi-Wan had never had anyone to confide in before Quinlan, and he was the only one to really show Quinlan any hint of kindness.

Quinlan knew his anxiety was high. He knew that the doom spiraling, the worst case scenarios flitting through his mind were way off base. 

But he still worried and worried that he was going to hear something far-fetched, like they were going to tell him he couldn't be a Jedi anymore. He hadn't made enough progress.

Sometimes Quinlan wondered if he was ever going to recover, no matter how encouraging his mind healer was. 

They reached the meeting room. 

Quinlan took a deep breath and let it out, hiding his emotions as he had been taught and followed Tholme into the meeting room. 

He glanced over everyone there, taking everyone in but he did not let his gaze linger. At least that was something he had learned how to do efficiently as part of his training to be a shadow, training that he no longer needed.

Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon were not there yet, but almost everyone else was.

Quinlan took his seat and waited, hiding his hands in his sleeves to hide how they were shaking, how anxious he was. That was a trick he had learned from Obi-Wan who had needed that quite a bit to hide his own feelings.

There were healers there, their mind healers were there, thankfully only four members of the Council were there (Mace, Plo, Yoda, and Ki-Adi), and there was Jocasta and a few others that Quinlan recognized as researchers and specialists.

The silence was deafening to Quinlan, but he waited, keeping his head down and working to keep his anxiety under control. 

He couldn't be in trouble; why would the researchers be there if it was about him being in trouble or leaving the Order or anything along those lines?

Unfortunately, the anxiety did not listen. His anxiety was next to impossible to out logic, even if the proper logic made it easier to ignore the anxiety logic. 

Finally Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon arrived. 

Obi-Wan was far more confident than he had been when they left Stewjon. He had been thriving as he learned what it was to be a Jedi. His expression of calm mimicked Qui-Gon's as a perfect expression of serenity.

Quinlan's neutral expression felt brittle, visibly fake, and as if it would not take much for it to start cracking and revealing how he really felt.

Jocasta opened the meeting.

Quinlan was so busy trying to keep his anxiety under control he almost missed what she said, but she had his full attention when she mentioned Stewjon.

"We don't have much on record about Stewjon, most of our information has come from Quinlan and Obi-Wan," Jocasta told everyone. "But after hearing about the varying rituals the royal family used from both of them, and getting a look at some books Obi-Wan had brought with him, I was able to find some records of similar rituals. Jedi never used them as they do not suit our way, but other Force sensitives did. Once we found those rituals, we were able to find records of reversal or removing any vows made during rituals, though it took us quite a bit of time to piece together how it works, and then start forming what we believe is the best way to go about it."

It was only Quinlan's practiced neutral expression that kept his jaw from dropping at the news. That was why they were here? 

The vow that had been hanging over his head, the true reason he worried that he could not be a Jedi... could it truly be removed without breaking it?

"It will take a lot of preparation, and for the two padawans to be prepared for it to hurt. The vow binds them together, and that is not so easily removed, but it is better than risking it breaking."

Quinlan listened intently as the researchers and specialists helped Jocasta explain the vow itself, how to remove it, and what preparations would be needed. 

"There will be side effects, as such things do carry. It was a vow made with the Force, and so, the vow is intertwined with them, and untangling that will impact them. Possibilities include exhaustion, headaches and migraines, body pains, Force exhaustion, their shields being damaged or destroyed, a sense of loss, and it might damage how they perceive each other in the Force."

Quinlan was grateful that his mind healer jumped right in to ask questions for clarification, with Obi-Wan's mind healer also on top of it. It meant he didn’t have to ask the questions himself and feel like he was being stupid or being overly bothersome.

"Most of this is speculation," Jocasta warned. "While there are records of this sort of removal being possible, there is very little about the side effects beyond the fact that most seem to be able to return to their normal life within a month, and at the most extreme, three months." 

Quinlan did not like the sound of being set back in his training by another month, but it was better than breaking his vow to protect Obi-Wan ahead of everyone, so he would have to live with it. 

Obi-Wan felt ecstatic in the Force to finally be able to get rid of the last things tying him to his past life. He would never deny how he was raised, but he did not want to have anything holding him to the life he was raised in.

Quinlan wanted him to have that, but he reminded himself that it's not just about Obi-Wan, it's about his own wellbeing and it wasn't good to be held to the standard of always protecting Obi-Wan. It was one of the things his mind healer was most worried about.

He ended up having no questions because everyone asked everything he thought of, and he had his answers. 

Quinlan nodded along to the scheduling- one week from the day in order to get it done sooner rather than later, particularly since Obi-Wan was getting ready for his first missions, and he could not really do that so long as either of them leaving the planet put Quinlan at risk.

Quinlan didn't want to hold him back, though he felt more insecure about his much slower progress. He was not ready for missions yet. He had only just started feeling comfortable sitting on furniture in public again.

So when they set the date and time, Quinlan agreed, though he was not ready for it. 

He was ready to be rid of the vow, but the side effects, training getting set back by at least a month, possibly more... that he was not ready for.

At least there was still no question that he would be a Jedi. No one even brought up how it might affect him.

Quinlan agreed to a meeting with his mind healer the day before, and the day after, if he was up to it that early, if not, at some point in that first week.

Then he followed Tholme out of the room. 

Tholme didn't say anything.

That had been common. He had always been a master who was not talkative, but Quinlan felt like it had been worse after he returned to the Order and returned to his training. 

At least Tholme had agreed that he was no longer suited for shadow work, though they were struggling to figure out what his path should be after everything he had been through.

Quinlan was relieved when the usual training session Tholme had scheduled for that time slot every day was just the obstacle course and going through it until he hit obstacles and difficulties he struggled with to hone those techniques before moving on.

It was an easy thing to focus on, especially since the obstacle courses basically relied on Force enhanced parkour, and that had been Quinlan's favorite activity to do for fun before. 

It had been hard to get back into it, though he had not lost his muscle memory. Just the strength and speed required.

Quinlan stretched while Tholme set it up for the day, still not talking to him.

Before, Tholme would have talked to him about how he felt, made sure he didn't feel forced into it, that he didn't feel rushed. He'd ask what Quinlan needed. 

Now, Tholme was giving him too much space. He was giving Quinlan space because he was older and he was supposed to have it handled. 

Quinlan couldn't disappoint him, but he was struggling and he wished Tholme could see it. 

He finished his stretches and moved to the start of the course, getting ready to go as soon as Tholme signaled to him.

Quinlan heard the beep that signaled that the stopwatch was going and took off.

This level was a warm up level, easy to breeze through while using each of the most basic techniques a few times. 

It was so easy that Quinlan didn't have to use the Force for it at all. 

Quinlan dropped down at the end and stretched again to make sure that he was stretched out enough for the coming session. 

Tholme gave him a nod. "Within your average range."

Quinlan nodded, bouncing on his toes. The warmup was not about going the fastest, but going too slow would be an indicator that he might not be up to the training session.

Tholme set the course to one of the ones they worked on at the end of the last time Quinlan trained on the obstacle course.

It was a good way to see how much Quinlan retained without throwing new stuff at Quinlan immediately. 

Quinlan threw himself into the training. 

Obstacle course training was his favorite. It was good for physical strength and showing weaknesses. It was good for practicing Force techniques and learning new ones. He always did learn the best by doing so he would give it a try a few times on his own, Tholme would teach him the necessary technique and help him get it, and then he would practice that course a few times before Tholme changed the course to see if he could still maintain the technique with a different course. Usually he could.

Quinlan went through each course Tholme brought up quickly. 

There was nothing more freeing than bouncing around like he was racing through trees or over buildings. Climbing had always been one of his favorite hobbies, and parkour was something heavily encouraged on Kiffu as part of their culture; there were even alternate paths over building on Kiffu.

Quinlan landed on the ground after the latest one and Tholme nodded approvingly, showing him his time before setting the next obstacle course.

Quinlan tilted his head, studying it. He was already formulating the best path through it, noticing quickly the spots where he might have to find a new technique to do, but he thought of a few things that could work instead he wanted to try to see if he could figure it out on his own.

He got into place at the start and took off as soon as it was time.

He ended up getting smacked in the face when he didn't figure out the right technique fast enough.

Quinlan stood up and rubbed his forehead before returning to the start and giving it a few more tries before Tholme taught him the technique he needed.

He practiced it a few times before running through the obstacle course once more. There were a few new obstacles, but he was able to get past those with little trouble using techniques he already knew. 

Tholme was approving in the Force before moving onto the next round with the same rotating obstacle. 

The trick wasn't to stop and sense the timing; sometimes there wasn't time for that. No, it was better to either go around an obstacle like that to save time. If not, then sensing and moving at the same time was necessary but that was slightly different than sensing and staying still.

Quinlan found that it was easier this time, even though the obstacles before it and after it were totally different.

He grinned when he landed at the end of the course. 

And so the session continued, getting more and more difficult, though Quinlan always rose to the challenge.

Tholme was patient as always, though he hardly talked. He showed his pride in the Force, and kept the session moving along until they had just fifteen minutes left of reserved time in the room.

"Alright, let's take the standard courses and see how fast you can do them."

Quinlan grinned. "Got it!" 

Tholme, of course, started with the easiest.

These were the courses that all classes started on, and were often used to see progress in speed, agility, and sometimes strength, for those who preferred minimal use of the Force.

Quinlan breezed through all the courses that initiates and padawans practiced on, setting personal bests in all of them. He hadn't actually done them since before he was captured.

Some of the courses he did for the first time because he hadn't gotten that far before he was captured on Stewjon. 

That meant that when Tholme switched from padawan courses to knight level courses, looking to see just where Quinlan was compared to the expectations, Quinlan didn't realize it. 

Quinlan was grinning as he finally got to some more challenging courses. 

He wasn't very happy with some of his times; they weren't nearly as fast as his times on the courses that Tholme created for him. 

He stretched and glanced at the time. They were going over, but it didn't look like anyone had reserved the slot after, so Tholme must have been wanting to see how far he could go before he could finish a course.

The next course required more use of Force techniques than any of the others. 

Quinlan finished the course, breathing a little harder than usual and looked at the time. 

He couldn't read Tholme's expression, all he could tell in the Force was that Tholme was surprised and thinking about something.

Quinlan drank some water and prepared for the next one. 

He was even slower on that one. It was a good challenge, but he was using far more of the Force than he was used to. That probably meant that he needed to do more work with the Force, then. 

The advantage of doing parkour without the Force was that they didn't draw on the Force as much and did not need to split their attention nearly as much as when they did use the Force, so Quinlan did prefer to do things that way.

But there would be times where they had to move quickly in dangerous areas, so he did need to make sure he could do all the leaps with the speed required.

Quinlan looked at Tholme after he caught his breath. "Am I doing more or are we done?"

"I said we'd go until it took you more than ten minutes, you couldn't complete a course, or someone requested the room." 

Quinlan winced at the annoyed tone and nodded as he stepped into place.

He glanced over what he could see of the course and he could already see it was going to be hard. 

But he did love these challenges, so when he heard the beep, he threw himself at the first obstacle without hesitation.

He made it through that one in six minutes.

The next one was six minutes, twelve seconds. Then seven minutes, seventeen seconds. Then eight minutes, fifty seconds.

Quinlan was breathing hard, starting to feel the strain of doing training for close to three hours. But he was not going to stop until Tholme told him to. It was always good to push his limits, and he was not going to disappoint his master yet again.

Tholme set up the next round.

Quinlan eyed it. He was pretty sure that most padawans would have called the last five he did impossible. This one actually did look a bit impossible, though the most difficult parts, he could already see the possibilities.

He threw himself off the platform to hit the moving one, then jumped to grab the rope and swing himself into a net. He climbed quickly and then jumped down on the other side, ducking and rolling before bouncing between the walls to get to the next platform. 

He thought he was doing pretty good, then he missed the spinning bar and it smacked him in the stomach, slamming his back into a wall.

Quinlan grabbed onto the bar, groaning as it continued moving. He dropped onto a platform and breathed, riding out the initial pain before pulling himself up. It wasn't bad. Nothing broken, that he was certain of; he knew what broken bones felt like.

Quinlan continued moving until he misjudged a jump and fell off the course into the soft pit below. 

He laid there for a moment, disappointed that he couldn't meet the challenge. He knew he had to find his limit somewhere, but he was still disappointed to actually find it. He felt like he could have done better if he had noticed the bar. And he should have noticed the bar. He was better than that. And how had he misjudged the jump?

But... no, he hadn't really misjudged the jump, he was still sore from the bar catching him and slamming him into the wall, and the pain flared as he jumped, which then made him short of the jump.

Quinlan dragged himself out of the pit, disappointed that Tholme had not come to help him up like he usually did when Quinlan failed that epically to get through a course.

He spotted Tholme going over the data from the varying courses and slumped. He must have done worse than Tholme expected... he disappointed his master again.

Of course he did. He couldn't do anything right, not even his favorite type of training.

Quinlan grabbed his water and moved over to Tholme. 

Tholme barely acknowledged him.

Quinlan shifted awkwardly. "I'm going to go shower."

Tholme just nodded absently, making notes; very focused on what he was doing.

Quinlan tried not to let his hurt show as he turned to head to his room for that shower. He didn't feel like looking at who Tholme was comparing him to.

He'd probably find out eventually anyway. He just wanted to shower and collapse in his room. 

The three hour training session no longer seemed worth it. 

Quinlan showered and retreated to his bedroom. It was still nice to be home, to have his own space again. But... sometimes he wondered how much he deserved it. 

He sighed and picked up his journal marking down the thought. 

His mind healer wanted him to mark down how often he had certain types of thoughts, so that they could work on helping him reframe his thinking. 

He deserved a place to be safe and comfortable. A space that was solely his. He just felt out of place because he had been conditioned to put the needs of others above his. He had been conditioned to be a pet, a slave, who was lucky to receive anything. That made it harder for him to accept what he did have, but it did not mean he didn't deserve it.

Quinlan put the journal aside and flopped onto his bed. He laid there for a moment, aching and tired before he decided to take some painkillers and grab all his comfort things- blanket, plushy, music, and drink. 

He tried to stop thinking about how he had failed at succeeding again. He always seemed to fail, and he didn't know what else he could do to do better at this point. What was wrong with him that he could not meet his master's expectations anymore? 

Quinlan reached for his notebook again with a sigh, noted down the thought, and considered how his mind healer would tell him to reframe it. 

How had his experiences affected him? What was it that was making it so difficult to meet the expectations of Tholme where he had never had that trouble before? Tholme's expectations hadn't been raised, Quinlan had just changed.

And a lot of his changes were what had allowed him to survive and find his own little corner of happiness while he was with Obi-Wan. They weren't necessary anymore, but conditioning was hard to shake, and his mind healer had said that it could take years for him to stop reacting with the conditioning first, and that even then, he'd never be the same padawan. 

Quinlan set the notebook aside and resolved to worry about it later. He wanted to relax. He wanted to forget just for a little bit that he couldn't meet Tholme's expectations anymore, that his master was finding fewer reasons to be proud of him.

All Quinlan did was worry him.

And sure, that was because Tholme loved him and it was Tholme's choice to worry about him. But that didn't make Quinlan feel any better knowing that he was the cause of Tholme's stress.

He put on his music and closed his eyes. 

He ended up falling asleep within minutes, exhausted by the emotions of the day and the training session.

Tholme arrived and checked on him. He saw Quinlan and sighed. He had thought that Quinlan was having a good day, even with the discussion of the vow that caused him so much distress. He hoped Quinlan would tell him about it, but it was best at that time to let Quinlan sleep.

Quinlan spent the next week avoiding Tholme as much as he could. Thankfully, his avoidance seemed to throw Tholme off and so, Tholme never did talk to him about the obstacle course.

Good. Quinlan didn't want to hear about his failures yet. He knew how he could have done better. He always could do better. He didn't need to sit through a full lecture on that and he couldn't bear to see more of Tholme's disappointment.

All too soon it was time for his mind healing appointment the day before they would remove the vow. Before Quinlan would no longer have to worry about the vow.

Quinlan shuffled into the office, letting his wariness and uncertainty show for once. He liked his mind healer, he was safe, and it was a relief not to hide how he felt. He never had liked masking, and even when he did cover up his feelings, he had always preferred an overly cheerful, obnoxious persona that he just could not bring forward anymore.

Quinlan grabbed the oil pastels and curled up in the corner of the couch and started drawing.

"I suppose that answers my first question of how you are, Quinlan."

Quinlan nodded. "I... I'm nervous. The ritual wasn't easy, it was a bit painful. Removing a vow that I made with the Force? That's going to hurt."

"Most likely," Michi agreed. "Anything in particular you want to discuss?"

Quinlan shrugged, eyes glued to the paper as a picture slowly started taking form.

"Remember that recovery isn't linear. It's okay if this gives you a setback."

"It shouldn't. It's taking away the one thing preventing us both from truly being Jedi, why can't I be happy about that?"

"Because the situation is more complicated than that, and people are more complicated about that. You can feel relief that something is gone while still wishing it wasn't, or maybe it'll bring up all sorts of bad feelings you wish it had not. You're not happy though, are you?"

"I am, I just..." Quinlan stared at the ritual circle he had drawn, with a blob of color signifying what he and Obi-Wan had experienced. "It does bring back a lot of memories," he admitted. 

"Take your time, whenever you're ready."

Quinlan gave him a small smile. "I'm glad we're removing it. Obi-Wan deserves a real chance to be a Jedi if nothing else. But... I can't help but feel ashamed that a vow like that needs removing in the first place. I knew it was wrong, I knew I was removing any chance of being a real Jedi."

"Tell me about your scars again and how you got them."

Quinlan sighed. He was getting used to his mind healer changing the subject abruptly. He usually did that to work on something before bringing it back to the original topic and helping Quinlan through it. 

It was annoying how well it worked, usually.

Quinlan started slowly talking about the most obvious of the scars and how he got them. It was startling to realize just how many of them came from his punishments for his many escape attempts.

Michi had to pull himself out of the memories a few times but Quinlan was determined to get through it to find out what his mind healer was getting at.

"Okay, so they're mostly punishments, right? Would you have gotten the same if you had refused to help Obi-Wan?"

"...Probably worse," Quinlan whispered after a moment. "But I could have pretended."

"Could you? You didn't know what the ritual did, and you don't know that the ritual wouldn't have finished if you did not make a vow."

Quinlan stared at him, blinking a few times as he tried to understand what Michi meant.

"Quinlan, you had been hurt so much you had broken. Of course you didn't consider disobedience. Obi-Wan had to encourage you to leave when the opportunity came, you didn't even think of it yourself. Why would you have chosen not to do the vow when you knew the consequences, when you didn't know what pretending would do, and I bet it hardly even occurred to you as an option. As far as you were concerned all those years ago, you had no choice."

Quinlan stared at him, feeling his eyes burn with tears as it sank in. "It's not my fault," he whispered. "I... I didn't even realize there was a choice. I would have been hurt worse, and who knows what would have happened to Obi... making the vow was the best thing I could do at the time."

His mind healer patted his back gently. "You can only look back and regret now because you are safe, because you did get out, and now the vow is going to go away and you won't have that hanging over your head all the time. Now that you're safe you can see all the options maybe you had, but would it have been worth it at the time?"

Quinlan shook his head. "No... no it wouldn't."

"There you go."

Quinlan sighed. "But it's still not the Jedi thing."

"You had no other way to survive, and you had a way to help Obi-Wan. Why wouldn't you take it? You made the best choice you could at the time. You're here now, and Obi-Wan came with you. There's a way to remove the vow from existence, and so, it will no longer be a problem soon."

"I know, I know I just... I have always tried to be the best Jedi I can be. I didn't come to the Order in the best circumstances, and I know the fact I brushed the Dark when I saw my mom's death through the echoes on her necklace was leaked, because I heard the whispers, I know that everyone expected me to fail. And I've proved them right."

"Have you?"

Quinlan looked up, puzzled.

"Not many Jedi could go through what you did and still choose to be kind. They would have chosen death when forced into a situation like yours. They might never have seen Obi-Wan as someone to be sympathetic with."

"But... Obi-Wan clearly didn't want to hurt me."

"Yes, but others don't always look too close, even as Jedi, especially when already in pain. It's hard to worry about others when your world is nothing but hurt."

"Oh."

"The fact that you had the strength to do so is impressive. You were open to his struggles, you helped him through them, and I bet part of the reason you slowed down on your escape attempts was because you were worried about how hurt he was every time you tried."

Quinlan nodded. "I... it was a bit more subconscious I think? I had a bunch of reasons to take time between attempts, but it was hard seeing him so hurt that I wanted to leave him. He didn't have friends. Sure he had everything he wanted, but he had no one to talk to. Just me."

"And even among Jedi, not everyone would have cared enough about that. Especially not at your age now, let alone when you were first captured."

Quinlan bit his lip. "Even though we're taught to be kind to others and try to help no matter what, to listen because being kind can be the solution?"

Michi nodded. "Despite that, yes. We're still sentient beings like any others, Quinlan. We hold ourselves to higher standards, but that does not mean that it's easy to meet them when we're in a situation like yours. Especially when still a padawan, when you're still getting guidance from knights and masters on how to handle situations."

"But... I thought I had Stockholm."

"You did, yes. But that isn't something everyone develops, though it is more likely the more sympathetic a story a captor has."

"I think Obi's story is very sympathetic and everyone agrees."

"How long did it take for you to put together that he was isolated from his family and not well liked?"

Quinlan bit his lip. "I felt like something was off right away, but I thought that was just because I didn't have enough information on Stewjoni culture, especially the royals. But I wasn't able to put it together until I was allowed out of his rooms."

"So, if someone didn't listen or notice anything while out of the rooms because they were too tired or hurt to do so, they wouldn't have anything to go off of. You paid attention. You wanted to know more, even though you were hurting and desperate to get out of there."

"I guess that's true. You really think that another Jedi couldn't have done it?"

"Some might have. But not a lot, and even less at your age. You did well, Quinlan. You did your best, and when you thought there was no chance you would ever get out, you did the vow because you weren't going to get to be a Jedi anymore. Now you are, and the vow won't hinder you anymore."

Quinlan nodded, looking down at his hands. "It's weird... Every time I think I have a handle on things, something new happens and I realize that I don't. I don't know... I don't know how I'm going to feel once the vow is gone... It's... it's part of me now. It'll be weird not to feel that, to watch Obi go off on his first mission and not feel the Force reminding me that I vowed to protect him. The risk will be gone."

"It's hard to deal with things changing."

Quinlan nodded, sighing. "I just haven't felt like a Jedi since I got back, because of it. It's weird that they're helping me, that you're helping me because I'm not really a Jedi, but the vow will be gone tomorrow, and... I'm not sure I'll feel like I'm a Jedi after. Why... Why can't I remember what that's like? Why is Obi fitting in so well, while I can't. I grew up here, my family is here. My friends are here, and now so is Obi and I just... I feel like an outsider who is just a little out of step, and like I'm always going to disappoint Master Tholme and like I'll never get it. I'm home but I just feel like I don't belong and I'll never belong again." Quinlan started crying.

Michi hugged him and started humming, giving him a chance to calm down before trying any other calming techniques.

As usual, it mostly worked. 

Quinlan started employing the other calming techniques on his own and then let out a breath. "I feel like I'm always crying."

"It's part of the process. Once you get the feelings out, it's a lot easier."

"Yeah. I guess."

"It's okay to feel like you don't fit in. A lot of people who go through traumatic experiences feel the same way. Everyone around you looks and acts the exact same to your eyes, and yet, you are drastically different after what you've been through. How can they still be the same, don't they know how much you're hurting?"

Quinlan flinched, then nodded. "I want to stop feeling like this. I'm home. I should be able to feel like I belong here, but I don't know. I just... I don't feel like a Jedi anymore. But it's where I belong," he hurriedly added. "I don't want to go back to Kiffu, that'd be worse, and I'm still meant to be a Jedi, I'm meant to help people, but... I just find that hard to believe, I guess. I don't know."

"Of course it's hard. I wouldn't have a job if it wasn't hard."

Quinlan snickered as he dried his eyes.

"But you do belong. I bet if you asked any of your friends, they would have comments about you being quieter and acting differently, but they would never say you're not a Jedi."

"I guess..."

"Quin. Feel the Force."

Quinlan breathed in and out a few times to calm himself further then reached out in the Force.

Michi met him with sincerity and compassion. "You are a Jedi, Quin. The Jedi way is a way of life, and even though you're struggling, and this is the time you should be selfish with yourself, you are still trying to help others, you are still looking forward to the time you will be able to actively help others again. You would not be a Jedi if you weren't interested in helping others and in doing better. You will get there one day, even if it takes years."

Quinlan sniffed. "I don't want it to take years," he whispered. "I want to feel like a Jedi again. I'm tired of the nightmares, I'm tired of disappointing Tholme, I'm tired of catching up in classes and of feeling like I'm behind and watching Obi who had no Jedi training surpass me in every area. I'm tired of not being enough."

"Oh, Quinlan. You are enough." Michi paused to make a note. "I promise you that. You are enough as you are. Healing is not linear, and no one expects you to leap back into it. It will take time. You're not ready for missions yet, that's okay."

Quinlan sniffed again and rubbed his eyes. "We're almost done for today, aren't we?"

"We are."

"What's next?"

"Next? Our next session will be a check in on how you feel after the vow is gone, and after that? Well, maybe the first session after the vow is gone we can talk about goals. What are your short term goals and your long term goals?"

"Huh?"

"What will it look like when you're recovering? What is something that will make you feel like you're improving, and what is something that will make you feel like you have healed?"

Quinlan blinked and looked down.

"Just think about it for a future session."

"I don't know what kind of Jedi I want to be."

"We can discuss that as well."

"Okay."

.

Quinlan entered the room and looked around curiously as he fiddled with the end of his padawan braid. 

It was a room in an area of the Temple he had never been in, so naturally he was very curious about it. 

Quinlan remained quiet and listened to everything he was told. 

It was hard to keep up with what was happening and why, with it all flying over his head due to all the terms he had never heard before. 

He got the gist of it. He and Obi-Wan would need to agree to dissolve the vow as no longer necessary with the ritual preparations making it easier to access the Force to do so.

They weren't certain of side effects because vows on the Force were tricky things to begin with. They were certain though that there would be some side effects due to how vows intertwined with one's Force presence.

Quinlan braced himself once all the preparations were done.

He turned to Obi-Wan and was met with the brilliant, purely happy smile that Quinlan had hardly seen before they escaped. 

Quinlan's heart skipped a beat. It was always so nice to see that smile. 

He smiled in return and held out his hands. 

Compared to the terror and chaos that was the Stewjoni rituals, removing the vow was simple. 

It was still a bit difficult, since they had to find the vow and work together to dissolve but it was doable and simple.

Once it was done, Quinlan let go of Obi-Wan's hands and opened his eyes, only to immediately be hit with a wave of dizziness. It was a good thing he was already on his knees.

He flopped to lay on his back, eyes closed as he breathed and tried to find his equilibrium once more. 

He was aching but after a moment Quinlan pinpointed it to the lingering bruises and pain from the obstacle course runs the day the removal had been planned out. It was a little annoying that a week had passed and they were still there.

What they did with removing the vow probably just aggravated them.

Considering how wrung out he felt, it wasn't terribly surprising that untangling the vow and dissolving it did have some physical side effects.

But it was worth it.

He could already feel Obi-Wan's excitement. There was no longer anything holding him back from the full Jedi experience. Good for him.

Quinlan just wanted to take a nap.

"Good job, Quin," Tholme said as he crouched down next to Quinlan. "How are you feeling?"

"Dizzy. Tired. A little achy. Want a nap." Quinlan didn't bother opening his eyes.

Tholme tugged his padawan braid affectionately. "We can go back to our rooms so you can take a nap as soon as a healer clears you."

Quinlan used the Force to share his agreement, not wanting to talk or move anymore. 

Tholme sat by him quietly and waited. The same steady presence he always tried to be for Quinlan.

The same steady presence that was making Quinlan anxious because he couldn't read Tholme, he couldn't tell what Tholme wanted, and he didn't want to keep disappointing him.

Quinlan started dozing before the healer checked him over and cleared him to go.

He stood, took a deep breath before he took a few steps, Tholme staying close though not quite hovering. 

Once he was moving, it wasn't so bad, though Quinlan still could not wait to collapse in his own bed and take a nap.

Tholme waited until they entered their quarters. "Will you be up to seeing Michi today or would you like to wait a few days?"

"If I wake up on time, today is fine... But tomorrow works too."

"I will let him know."

"Thanks."

Quinlan entered his room and fell onto his bed. He closed his eyes and started dozing. He didn't feel like moving.

He woke up a couple hours later under his favorite blanket. 

He wandered out into the living room, yawning.

"Hello, Quin. Did you have a good nap?"

"Yeah, I feel better. Still feel a little off but at least I can function now."

"Good. Now you could get into your mind healer now. Are you still sure you want to do it today?"

Quinlan nodded. "Yeah, I want to do it today." He felt like that wasn't the answer Tholme was looking for but it was the truth. He wanted to do it, he wanted Michi's help in sorting out his initial feelings to what happened, and the strange feeling that had followed after the vow was no longer tying him to Obi-Wan.

"He told me he's clear all afternoon, so why don't we head there right now?"

Quinlan smiled. "Alright."

.

Quinlan was quite pleased with the nest of blankets and pillows and plushies to squeeze that his mind healer had prepared. 

"Ready?"

Quinlan nodded. "I think so."

"I heard you needed a nap after."

"Yeah... I felt very tired. It took a lot out of me. I'm not sure how long it took but it felt like it took forever and it was hard. We had to find the vow and untangle it from ourselves- it was more tangled with me and tethered to Obi though, and then we had to both agree not to hold me to it anymore, and only then did it start disappearing but that was still the hardest thing I've ever done with the Force."

"But you did it, within the time they expected, and it was a complete success."

Quinlan nodded. "I didn't expect to feel so dizzy or achy. Healer said I was fine, though. I feel better now."

"That's good. Does anything feel different?"

Quinlan nodded, squeezing the ocelot plush he found in the nest. 

"It kind of feels like I lost something," he admitted quietly. "Like that was my only connection to Obi and it's gone."

"Is it?"

Quinlan tilted his head, considering, and checking the Force. "I think I need to rebuild the connection with Obi... It was built off the vow. Maybe 'cause I didn't get to have access to the Force until the ritual and since there was no risk of me betraying Obi or running, they let me have access to the Force again, so we had ritual and vow tying us together before we really started interacting in the Force, and we just undid that foundation."

"That seems like a logical conclusion. Good thinking."

Quinlan smiled faintly. "You think so?"

"Yes. It's very self reflective, and shows a great awareness that takes most years of practice, and as such, one as young as you isn't likely to figure such a thing out."

"Oh. Huh." Quinlan gave him a shy smile. "Guess I'm doing okay, then?"

"It does make my job easier," he teased. "It means we can focus on the problematic thought patterns and I don't have to dig as much."

Quinlan nodded. "What if Obi doesn't want to rebuild a connection? We... We haven't had as much time lately to hang out, and it's been longer since we kissed and... He's just so happy, and I'm happy he's happy, it's just..."

"It was just you two for a while, and now he's happy without you, even though this was your home first and you're not happy."

Quinlan looked down, nodding. He pulled a blanket around him tighter.

"That's understandable. You're not really jealous, you're just insecure and worried about being left behind. Like you're swimming in a pool, and he's taken off like a Nautolan after hardly any swimming lessons but you've had them all your life and you're still drowning."

Quinlan lifted his head to stare at Michi. 

Michi was sitting on the floor next to the nest but kept a respectable distance.

"You have a way of putting it," Quinlan said after a bit. "Because I think that's pretty accurate. And... to use that analogy further... if I've had swimming lessons all my life, I shouldn't be drowning, and yet, due to circumstances, I am and it's like no one really notices or cares."

"Is it?"

Quinlan huffed and thought about it before amending his statement. "No one comments on it, even when they're worried about me. Some people especially Master Tholme are unreadable so I don't know what they're thinking and that means, or that meant, on Stewjon, bad things and the rare times it didn't it was still hard because I didn't know how they were expecting me to react and... and now people here are being the same way. They're not all bad, usually they use the Force to convey how they're feeling and that makes it easier but sometimes... they don't and..."

"It makes you anxious, because you're used to appeasing everyone to keep yourself safe from harm."

Quinlan nodded. "Obi was always safest, he only ever hurt me if others decided I needed punishment, otherwise he let me be because he didn't really like a lot of the rules either and he hated when they sprung new things on us."

"Of course. It makes sense why you're struggling with it. We'll talk more about it another day, but for now, I want to focus on the vow and how you feel after it's gone."

Quinlan nodded and gathered his thoughts again. "It feels weird. Not natural. Like I wasn't supposed to remove it after making it, even though Obi agreed to release me. I feel a bit... empty. Like I lost something. But I also feel lighter, like I no longer have the weight of the Force on me, making sure I'm following what I should be doing."

"Is it a good feeling, or a bad feeling?"

"Mostly good. Except for feeling empty, like I lost something dear to me. I know it's for the better, and yet... I miss something I do not currently have and... It's weird and I don't like it."

"Alright, that makes sense. Emotions?"

Quinlan shrugged. "Relief, mostly. Sadness. I don't know how to describe how happy and yet sad I felt to see Obi so happy that he's going to go on missions when I know I'm probably months off from doing that."

"Of course. That's understandable."

"You're not going to tell me that of course things are happening this way? That it's natural that Obi is ready, and that I just need to accept it and keep working on myself?"

"Quin, of course not. My job as your mind healer is to help you through this, and to give you better coping skills for the future. I can clarify things, and give you the objective point of view, but that does not mean that your emotions do not deserve to be validated. There is only so much that logic and knowing things can do for the emotions, and I don't want you to force your emotions to the side to favor what you think is the logical explanation. That only leads to suppression instead of handling your emotions."

Quinlan stared at him, then looked down at his hands. "Oh. I hadn't thought about it that way."

"That's what I'm here for." 

Quinlan nodded, smiling slightly.

.

Quinlan sighed in disappointment when he failed again. Master Tholme was trying to help him improve his sparring abilities, but Quinlan just couldn't seem to get the hang of what he was asking.

He pushed himself back up. If he couldn't even handle sparring, how could he handle missions? There were missions he could do though he was still undecided on what sort of Jedi he wanted to be.

Tholme watched him, a faint frown on his face.

Quinlan wondered what he was doing wrong now. He got ready, preparing himself to keep trying. He did not want to give up. He had to keep trying, he didn't want Tholme to be disappointed in him forever.

He lasted longer this time and even succeeded at using the new techniques he had been learning, until he tripped and fell.

Quinlan sighed again and stood, ignoring the light throbbing in his ankle. He figured it would go away, as such things always did and threw himself back into sparring until he stumbled again. 

The pain was sharper.

"You're slowing down," Tholme noted. "Time to be done for the day."

Quinlan sighed and nodded, going straight for his water before he started the cooldown stretches on his own.

Tholme stretched as well, though he was mostly keeping an eye on Quinlan, still wearing that faint frown.

Quinlan kept his head down and kept up the stretching until he was done, ignoring the increasing pain in his ankle with each stretch.

Quinlan drank some water and then waited for Tholme.

Once his master was satisfied that they had cleaned up well enough, they left.

Quinlan followed Tholme at his usual pace, biting the inside of his lip when he realized the pain was only getting worse. Maybe he had actually done something to his ankle this time. 

He considered saying something, but he wanted to check it for swelling himself before he did.

Acting as if he was not in pain was second nature, he wasn't even trying.

Finally, they reached their quarters.

Quinlan was eager to make it to his room so he could see if his ankle was swelling up, but Tholme stopped him.

"Quinlan, you're limping slightly. Let me see."

Quinlan sighed and nodded, shuffling over to the couch. He kept walking on his ankle as he had before.

Tholme crouched down and lifted his foot. He gently removed the shoe and sock.

Quinlan couldn't watch him. Being injured would only delay his training more and it would just make Tholme more disappointed in him, so he could not watch the expressions as Tholme kept his face neutral.

He hissed when Tholme found the most tender spot on his ankle, but otherwise did not react to the pain beyond a minor wince that Tholme would have had to have been watching his face to see.

"I believe it's sprained," Tholme told him. "I'm going to have a healer come and scan it. You stay there, I'm going to go get some ice."

Quinlan sighed and nodded. He curled up to wait, carefully positioning his ankle so he could ice it and keep it still without hurting it too much.

Tholme handed him the ice pack.

Quinlan put it on and waited, trying not to let his thoughts spiral out of control. He put some of the techniques he had been learning from the mind healer to good use, practicing them and finding his mind calmer for it, though if he let his mind wander back to what happened his anxiety spiked again.

Tholme was just staring at him, watching.

Quinlan did his best not to squirm, wondering what he did wrong this time before he redirected his thoughts.

He only answered questions when the healer was there, and otherwise didn't say anything else. 

Quinlan was relieved by the ankle brace, though he wasn't too happy about having to use crutches. For six weeks. 

The healer had advised avoiding bacta due to Quinlan's history with injuries.Too much bacta in certain time spans could be a bad thing, especially for something like a sprain.

Then the healer left and Quinlan was left to sit in awkward silence with Tholme once again.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Tholme asked finally.

"I didn't realize it was that bad. Thought I could walk it off."

"Then why hide it?"

"Wasn't trying to."

"You were walking too normally aside from a small limp I barely noticed."

Quinlan sighed. "I wasn't trying to hide it." 

"Why won't you talk to me?"

Quinlan flinched, but couldn't come up with an answer. 

"Quinlan, I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong."

Quinlan had to take some deep breaths as he felt his anxiety spike. 

"What is wrong with you?"

Quinlan felt tears come to his eyes. "What do you think? I went through hell and I-I'm not getting any better."

When Tholme reached for him, Quinlan flinched. 

Tholme pulled back, that same frown on his face again.

Quinlan was disappointing him again.

"You can't keep going like this."

"I know!" Quinlan jumped up and ran for his room, forgetting his ice, and forgetting the crutches.

The pain didn't even register until after he locked the door. 

He hissed and took the weight off his foot immediately, sighing in relief when that helped his ankle.

"Quin! You can't do that, you have to take care of yourself."

Quinlan sniffled. "What's the point?" he muttered, not loud enough for Tholme to hear.

Tholme sighed and moved away from the door before coming back. "Ice pack and crutches are by the door when you're ready to unlock your door. And then we need to talk."

Quinlan flinched at the thought of facing Tholme's disappointment as more than just looks. 

"No! I won't talk!" he responded quickly. 

"Quin..." Tholme sighed. "I don't know how to help you, please let me help. I'm worried."

Quinlan shook his head and didn't respond.

Tholme waited for a bit just to be sure, then left him alone.

Quinlan waited five minutes before getting the crutches and ice pack.

Then he locked the door again and retreated back to his bed to rest and try not to freak out, not sure what was going to happen now.

Tholme was getting fed up with him, and Quinlan had no idea what that would mean for him. 

It terrified him.

After a moment, Quinlan remembered the suggestion to try writing down his thoughts and feelings when he was getting overwhelmed so he pulled out his notebook and started scribbling everything down. Some of it was disjointed and it wasn't always on one line, but it helped him feel a lot better.

.

Tholme looked at the door and sighed. Quinlan had locked it again. He would not be able to get in. He really needed to help Quinlan, but he didn't know how to reach him anymore.

Quinlan used to be an open book, easy to talk to, easy to make sure he understood, easy to communicate with when there were issues.

These days he was quiet and jumpy, closed off and waiting for something but Tholme could never tell what. He hardly talked. He was nothing like he used to be, before that damn mission where Quinlan was captured. Where he had been held for three years before Obi-Wan helped him escape.

It was time to call for help.

Tholme called Michi.

"I don't know what to do anymore," he confessed. "Nothing I do helps, he just ran away from me... Is he doing okay? Is there anything I can do?"

The mind healer sighed. "He is recovering about as well as I expected, though he has said some... concerning things. How about this, you tell me your side of things now, Quinlan's weekly appointment is tomorrow and I'll listen to his side, then, if he agrees to it, we'll arrange for a session within the next few days where I facilitate your conversation and help you two communicate."

"That sounds best," Tholme agreed. 

He went to his room to continue the call and tell the mind healer anything that he thought might help.

Then the mind healer wanted to know more about how he thought and why he was handling things the way he was.

Tholme wasn't sure how that would help, but he was willing to try anything, so he remained truthful.

He just hoped it would work.

.

Quinlan really didn't have the energy for mind healing after the day before, and his throbbing ankle was not helping matters. 

It took him a bit to get settled on the couch.

"I understand you're not up for much, but you've said some things I think it's time we addressed. How is your relationship with Tholme?"

Quinlan instantly burst into tears, blindly reaching for the tissues.

"That good?" his mind healer asked sympathetically.

"I love him, he's always been the best, understood me when no other Jedi did, even though we're so different, and- and then I was captured and I know I'm different and..."

"Slow down, Quin. Take your time. Breathe."

Quinlan took several large breaths before trying again.

"He's just so disappointed in me. I can't escape it. I know I'm not getting better fast enough, that I fail at things I shouldn't, but I'm trying and he just looks at me so disappointed and sighs and he never says a word."

That got a quick note scribbled down.

"You were close to him before, and you feel like there's no way you can be now?"

Quinlan nodded, taking the offered plushy and squeezing it tightly. "I'm different now. Traumatized. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. If I don't know what I'm doing wrong, how can I ever hope to avoid what's coming for me? But... I don't want him to tell me he's disappointed either because it's bad enough just seeing that he is."

"You are certain he's disappointed?"

Quinlan gave him a bewildered look. "Why would he be anything else with that frown? When I see it I try harder, but I never seem to get what he wants me to do. I always fail. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. And I know that I'm different and that I could try harder and that I am nowhere near ready to go on a mission yet even though Obi is, I'm all the way disappointing as a padawan. Did everything right, came back a wreck who can't do everything," Quinlan finished bitterly. "Maybe I should just be a researcher or work in the creche. Surely I can't mess that up too."

He jumped at the light smack of a ball bouncing off his hand. 

"Think better of yourself," Michi said softly. "I know you've got every reason to think so lowly of yourself, but these things take time, Quin. It's okay that it's taking a while to figure it out. I don't want you pushing yourself when you're not ready. You are recovering wonderfully well."

Quinlan scoffed, squeezing the plushy.

"You are, Quin. Healing isn't linear, and a lot of people react differently in general, but think of how far you've come. It's not even been a year, and we've made more progress than I expect of new patients. You are at the point where I want to talk about going on missions, since in my opinion, mentally, you're just about ready. This is far better than others who go through similar trauma, and even if it was below average, no one can dictate the speed of recovery."

"I'm not ready to go on missions. I'm not good enough."

His mind healer made a note. "What gives you that impression?"

Quinlan shrugged. "I can't keep up with what Master Tholme wants. I always fall short. I'm not improving at anything very fast, and now I have to stay off my foot for six weeks which means that I can't do much more than practice some Force techniques and I'm now going to be even further behind where I should be in everything I need to be a knight."

"Not all knights are at the peak of physical health."

"But that's because they focus on other things, they are healers or researchers or teachers, so they just need enough to be able to pass the Trials. But I'm not that good at anything. I'm just average at best."

"Hmm. I think we're going to have to work on your self esteem. It's worse than I thought."

Quinlan scoffed.

His mind healer pulled up the obstacle course stats. "You did this just a couple weeks ago."

Quinlan nodded. "Couldn't get through all the difficulties, though, and my times just kept getting worse."

"These are your times." They were highlighted. "These are the top ten in each course you completed. Here's the top ten for knights under thirty. And finally, the averages of all knights that run the courses."

Quinlan looked closely at the times. He was still a long way off from hitting the top ten overall, but some of his times were either in the top ten for knights under thirty, or within one minute of number 10, aside from the last couple. And aside from the last one he ran, his times tended to be around average or better. For knights, not padawans.

"That makes no sense..." Quinlan looked up. "What are the times for padawans?"

"Most padawans can't do any beyond the first knight level course, which is this one."

Quinlan stared, only then realizing he had been doing several knight level courses. "Uh..."

"And your times compared to padawans..."

He stared more; they were all top ten with most in the top three if not number one.

"I... don't understand."

"You are doing far better than you think you are. It sounds like you and your master are having a hard time communicating, since he hasn't told you that you're doing well."

Quinlan shook his head in denial. "He's disappointed in me!"

His mind healer hummed. "I'm not so sure about that. How about we meet with him tomorrow and we can get to the bottom of this."

Quinlan bit his lip. "We?"

"We. I'll be there to help you explain your feelings and explain his side. I won't let you go unheard and I will make sure that everyone is happy with the conclusion. I want you to be set up to keep recovering with the best support possible, and it sounds like Tholme needs help understanding what you need. You don't have to talk to him about this alone."

Quinlan bit his lip and nodded. "Tomorrow. I'll worry too much if we wait another day."

His mind healer smiled proudly. "Good on you for knowing yourself. We'll schedule the appointment for tomorrow. Let's talk a bit more about how things have been going in your classes with Tholme?"

Quinlan nodded and settled in to talk about it more, a bit relieved that they would be talking about it a bit more. 

.

Quinlan curled up in the corner of the couch with a blanket and his favorite plushy for squishing as his master sat down on the couch, rather than the chair like Quinlan expected.

Tholme watched him, something unreadable in his expression.

Quinlan looked away, unable to handle looking at his expression anymore. Not when he didn't know what it meant.

"Alright, are we ready to begin?" the mind healer asked.

"Yes."

Quinlan just nodded mutely.

"Great. So, right now things are a bit rough between you two. Quin, would you like to start?"

Quinlan started shaking his head then hesitated and shrugged. 

"Alright. Would you like me to tell Tholme what I believe the biggest issue is?"

Quinlan nodded.

"Alright. Tholme, you're not showing your emotions very well in the Force and your expressions usually are neutral or frowning so Quinlan believes you are disappointed in him and he's scared to ask what it's about."

Quinlan nodded, not looking at Tholme.

"He also doesn't know what your expectations currently are since it seems you are not establishing them with him."

Tholme didn't react at first, just turned to stare at Quinlan, hand reaching out for him before hesitating and dropping it.

He sighed. "I see where that issue comes from.... I'm sorry, Quin. I'm not used to what you need right now after what you've been through. I don't know what to do much of the time. You didn't need any of that before, and I didn't know to check that you needed me to do more. I am sorry."

Quinlan listened, relaxing a bit, but still uncertain.

"I wasn't sharing my emotions because I have a lot of emotions about what you've been through, how you've changed and why, and everything about it. I didn't want to put that all on you because they're my emotions to deal with. I forgot that meant I had to verbalize how I'm feeling more, especially since you are wearing gloves most of the time so you can't rely on echoes either."

Quinlan bit his lip. 

Tholme paused, going over what Michi had just said, then it hit him what the problem truly was.

"Padawan, I'm not disappointed in you. I'm worried about you."

"What?" Quinlan asked, finally lifting his head and glancing at him, though his gaze didn't linger.

"I'm worried about you. You are trying so hard, harder than you ever have. I can tell you keep getting frustrated with yourself when you're struggling with something, though I don't know why. But you don't complain, you hardly react at all. You just pick yourself up again and throw yourself back into training like nothing happened. I'm worried you're pushing yourself too hard, that you're hiding things like your ankle from me so that you can keep going." 

Quinlan clutched the plushy tighter. "But... I missed a lot of training. I'm not good enough yet."

Tholme stared at him some more, before sighing. "Oh, Padawan. I want to give you a hug."

"...you do?" Quinlan asked, voice wobbling.

"I do. The thing is, I don't know if you want a hug. You're always hiding away from me, so I can't tell when you want a hug anymore."

Quinlan didn't hesitate, launching himself into Tholme's lap and clinging.

Tholme looked down at him in surprise, then looked up at Michi as he wrapped his arms around Quinlan automatically.

Michi hummed. "How about we tally all the differences between before and after with Quinlan and why they're different for both of you?"

Quinlan sighed but nodded. He didn't really want to do it but he trusted his mind healer.

He didn't contribute much to the list, and the more Tholme listed off, the worse he felt. He knew he was different, but hearing it all was horrible and he couldn't help but feel like there was no way that Tholme felt anything besides disappointed.

"Alright, Quinlan, are you ready to talk about why you're different in these areas?"

Quinlan sighed, and pushed himself up to lean against Tholme rather than hiding.

"Alright... The only affection I got was from Obi the whole time I was there. I... I wasn't used to affection being given so freely when I came back, and I don't know how to ask for stuff anymore. I couldn't ask anyone for anything besides Obi, and Obi could only do so much for me, so I just learned to not ask and live with what I couldn't have."

Tholme hugged him tighter.

Quinlan closed his eyes. That felt nice. 

"Um, what's next on the list?"

"Not complaining."

"Oh. Yeah. Why would I complain? I was broken into staying, into obedience. The only person I could really trust was Obi and I didn't like complaining to him all the time and a lot of my complaints were similar to his complaints anyway so what was the point in complaining?" 

"Oh, Padawan, I'm sorry I didn't think of that." 

"Working hard... I know I missed years of training, and I'm not in the right mental state to be a knight. I haven't even cleared for missions yet let alone done any solo missions and I have to do that before I can take my Trials... And I don't know what kind of Jedi I want to be now that I can't be a shadow anymore. I guess I hoped that if I did everything to the best of my abilities, I'd figure something out."

"You don't need to push yourself too hard, Quin. You've been surpassing my expectations, showing a lot of growth in a short amount of time despite what you went through. I've been impressed, but worried that it never seems to be enough for you. And you don't need to know what kind of Jedi you will be yet. Yes, it's good for the formwork once you're Knighted, but that is just you putting down your specialties so that they know what kind of missions to send you on. You don't have to specifically have a career path for a couple years into being a knight. For now, we'll just play to your strengths and send you on missions that your current abilities show you can handle, and that includes the classes you've taken along with everything else."

"Oh... Really?"

"Really. These things take time, Quin. I know it's hard, but I will talk to you anytime you need me to. We've talked before, and we'll talk again."

"Okay..." Quinlan sniffled. "Thanks."

"You're welcome, Padawan." Tholme looked back over the list. "Now that we've started talking, a lot of your new habits have to do with being seen and not heard, and expected to shadow Obi-Wan, aren't they?"

Quinlan nodded. "I... I don't want to be that way forever," he explained shyly. "But doing anything else makes me really anxious, especially when I don't know how people will react. Doing as I did on Stewjon is safe. And it's still safe outside of Stewjon because I'm not putting myself at risk of getting hurt."

Tholme hugged him tighter. "I am so sorry that I didn't realize how hard it is for you. I wanted to help but I didn't know how. I haven't changed, and before everything you knew you could come to me for anything, so I thought you knew you could still do that. I should have known better than to assume."

Quinlan sniffled. "Am I disappointing you?"

"No, never. I am so very proud of you. Just because you are worrying me does not mean I am disappointed. You keep surpassing my expectations, lasting longer in spars than I'm expecting, forcing me to up the difficulty when we're sparring and come up with new ways to trick you. You far surpassed my expectations in the obstacle course, to the point I didn't know how to react. I thought you might have gotten hurt in the last round, but you never let on."

"Oh. I got some bruises. Hurt a bit the next week with the removal, but they healed up fine. I did better than you were expecting?"

"Far better. I was concerned about what that might have meant with your time on Stewjon. But I should have told you I was proud of you and gone over the results. There is no excuse for not doing that, Quin. I should have done better, and for that I'm sorry."

Quinlan sniffled. "Really? You're sure?"

"I'm sure, Quin." Tholme slid his hand behind Quinlan's neck and rested it there. "I am very proud of you, and I will work on making sure you know it. I will always tell you what you need to work on, so if I forget to say what you did well, know that the fact that I didn't say you should work on something means that you're doing just fine, okay?"

Quinlan leaned into his hand. "Okay," he whispered. "Okay. Um. Are you disappointed about the vow?"

"Never. I am upset you were forced into that decision, that you had no real choice. But I have not been disappointed that you went through with it."

"Even though it held me back, and held Obi back?"

"Even then. You needed to know you didn't have to get back to the field, I think. You're already struggling. I think it would have been worse if you didn't have that holding you back. I think you would have requested to start missions months ago, thinking about the next step, and I don't think it would have gone well."

Quinlan paused, then sighed and nodded. "You're right... and I wouldn't have listened to anyone either. I wanted, still want, to prove myself. That I can be a Jedi... I don't really feel like a Jedi anymore."

"Oh, Quin. You have done everything you can to follow the Jedi way, and you have thrown yourself into classes and training. You meditate regularly. You see your mind healer weekly without complaint. You agreed to this conversation. I think you are a Jedi at heart, and nothing you can ever go through will change that."

Quinlan started sobbing, overwhelmed with emotions.

Tholme started rocking him and humming a Kiffar lullaby.

Quinlan calmed down after a while, clinging to Tholme and not letting go.

"Alright, I think we've made a lot of progress, but I'd like to keep helping you two communicate until we're sure you're both handling it better. So, I propose we make an appointment like this once a month."

"That sounds good," Tholme agreed quickly. He had a lot to think about regarding how much he had been failing his padawan, and he did not want to continue to do so. 

"Okay," Quinlan whispered. "We can do that."

"Great! For now, I'd like you two to take some time to meditate together and Tholme, share the positive emotions, I understand and agree that it's not good for Quinlan to feel the worst of what you're feeling about the situation, but it will help both of you to share emotions sometimes."

Quinlan nodded.

"I can do that." Tholme agreed. It was clear that was a large part of the problem, and if it would ease Quinlan's difficulties, he would do it.

Quinlan didn't move once the session was over, enjoying the feeling for the first time in a long time. 

Tholme ended up carrying him and the crutches back to their quarters. 

He was still worried about his padawan, but he might always be after what Quinlan had been through. At least he had an understanding, and a better plan for how to help moving forward, something he had not had before.