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People would say Jing Yuan is still the same as he’s always been, or perhaps he really is still the same and he’s just treating Ren differently.
Ren doesn’t want to think about it that way, but it’s hard when he knows it’s true. At the same time, he can see where Jing Yuan is coming from. Because he’s not Yingxing anymore—he’s a different person and he understands if Jing Yuan would treat him differently.
He never even once heard Jing Yuan calling him by the name ‘Ren’.
Ren gets the impression that he’s merely a stranger to Jing Yuan.
When they first met, Yingxing never thought they would go as far as ‘getting together’. Their friendship didn’t really start off pleasantly and it’s always filled with constant bickering and never failed to get on his nerves every time. It sure brought them closer, though.
The next thing he knew, Jing Yuan confessed to him. It wasn’t much of a romantic one, his confession. Jing Yuan had a bright crimson blush on his face, with his voice trembling, and stuttering to finish his sentences. He was nervous. But Yingxing thought it was a normal thing. He also thought it was cute.
Yingxing didn’t really know. Perhaps it was because of Jing Yuan’s smile, or perhaps it was his laugh, or it could’ve been his voice, or even his hair, or his overall personality, or just—everything about him, that made him fall for Jing Yuan pretty damn hard. So he did nothing but reciprocate.
He didn’t regret his answer because Jing Yuan was the best he ever had.
Yingxing always noticed the admiration in Jing Yuan’s eyes every time he looked at him, as if Yingxing was the only one for him.
The kindness of his voice every time he talked to Yingxing, as if he wouldn’t dare to mistreat him.
The gentle touch of his hands every time he touched Yingxing, as if he was afraid that he might hurt Yingxing.
The warmth of his embrace every time he hugged Yingxing, as if Yingxing was someone dear to him.
The tenderness of his kiss every time their lips met, as if he was letting Yingxing know he was loved.
And the devotion every time he held Yingxing, as if he was showing Yingxing that he was right about all of them.
Yingxing felt just the same towards Jing Yuan.
He once gifted Jing Yuan with the Devastator Glaive. Jing Yuan grabbed the weapon from Yingxing’s hands almost immediately, like a child seeing his favorite toy. It had Yingxing worried that Jing Yuan might hurt himself for a second.
“Hey, be careful!” Yingxing said and scowled at Jing Yuan. “That’s dangerous!”
Jing Yuan didn’t smile over the gift, but his teary eyes indicated that he was delighted to have received it. When he hugged the weapon, that was the proof. “I promise I’ll never part with this.”
Baiheng laughed at the sight. “Haha, would you look at him? He’s really happy.”
Jingliu merely smiled. “Yeah. Let's just let him be. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this happy before.”
Yinyue-Jun did the same as Jingliu. “It looks nice with you, Jing Yuan.”
Jing Yuan continued to hug the weapon for a while until he approached Yingxing, surprised him with a kiss, and finally thanked him. “Thank you, Yingxing. This is the best gift I’ve ever had. I love you.”
Yingxing wasn’t expecting Jing Yuan to thank him. He crafted the weapon because he loved Jing Yuan, too, and he believed it was something that Jing Yuan deserved anyway, so he didn’t need anything from him, but he’s still glad that Jing Yuan liked it.
A life with Jing Yuan was almost always filled with utter happiness and Yingxing thought all the wonderful memories they had would remain forever.
He was wrong.
It took one mistake to ruin everything they had. Up to these days, Ren still regrets the stupid decision he made and he’s sure he will regret it for the rest of his life. Had he never done such a thing—the thought would constantly haunt him, as if it was punishing him for what he did.
When they reunited after a long time, it wasn’t a pleasant one. Perhaps a little part of him wished they could go back, but seeing Jing Yuan in person, he realized it’s not possible, after all.
They could never go back.
Jing Yuan doesn’t look at him the way he used to. He doesn’t treat him the way he used to. He doesn’t see Ren the way he used to. Though not precisely what he had hoped for, it was what he should have anticipated.
Right.
Ren thought back then.
He understands. He sees why.
He’s Ren.
He’s not Yingxing.
He’s not that person Jing Yuan confessed to, that person Jing Yuan spent his days and nights with, that person Jing Yuan received his Devastator Glaive from, that person Jing Yuan met in the past, that person he once knew.
Because Yingxing is gone.
And the person Jing Yuan loved was Yingxing. It’s not Ren. He completely gets it if Jing Yuan doesn’t see him the way he used to. They are two different people.
Despite everything, it still hurts Ren every time he has to see Jing Yuan doing the same thing to him over and over again. Whenever they meet. Even though he’s able to understand Jing Yuan, it doesn’t mean that he’s fine. He’s not. Far from it.
There are questions lingering in his mind.
What’s wrong with me?
Why won’t you call my name?
Do you hate me?
He keeps asking and asking, though he can’t bring himself to ask Jing Yuan. Or somewhere deep down in his heart, he has already known the answer all along. That Jing Yuan just can’t accept him.
As he stands before Jing Yuan, he stares directly into his eyes.
Ren hates it.
He knows that look.
It’s as if Jing Yuan is telling, “I don’t know you because you’re not him.”