Work Text:
Draco kickflipped more despondently than usual, lacking his usual Malfoy Swag. He didn’t want his home to become the headquarters of the Death Eaters, but his family had no choice. The Dark Lord was clearly punishing them, though oh so merciful to spare their lives. A deplorably savage and crass man burst noisily into the Malfoy Manor, along with his obnoxious band of Snatchers. Another benefit of having your house unceremoniously turned into the main headquarters was having the most wretched and disgraceful company enter your home freely. Draco’s keen eyes noticed a disfigured Harry in their grasp, along with Herminionone and Ron.
“Where is Bellatrix, boy?” Fenir Greyback rasped rudely.
“Nunya business. I don’t talk to skint furries,” said Draco as he manualled away on his skateboard, effortlessly balancing on two wheels. He needed to come up with a way to help out Harry and his friends fast.
“Just throw them into the dungeons until she’s ready to see you then,” he added behind him, hoping to buy some more time.
Harry, partially blinded by his swollen face and his missing glasses, perked up when he heard his sexy Slytherin crush’s smooth voice. He committed it to memory as the last thing he would remember of the outside world until he was thrown forcefully into the dank dungeons.
Draco waited outside, idly kickflipping consecutively, until Greyback left the dungeons to get his crusty hag of an aunt. Grasping the opportunity, he descended into the dungeons nimbly.
A voice weakly cried out, “Hewwo? Is anybody thewe?”
Draco could recognise that femboy cadence anywhere.
From the darkness, a flame flickered to life from the end of Draco’s wand. The warm glow illuminated the room, revealing Harry’s face, back to normal now as the swelling went down, staring in awe and standing much too closely to Draco. The flame moved and went to light a fat, dank blunt, which Draco offered to the hostages.
“Here, this is a portkey. Hit it and you’ll be transported away to a safe place.”
“Oi mate this looks like some proper good stuff right here,” said Ron when he was the first to be passed the blunt.
Hermionione snatched it away from his fingers, assuming a panicked expression. “Um actually, how do we know if we can trust him? It might be laced!11!!11”
“Shut up Hermonionoene you big loser nerd. The blunt choses the stoner,” Ollivander interjected before swiping it and drawing in a puff in one smooth motion.
He coughed and then warped out of existence, leaving the blunt to fall towards the ground.
Hermone caught it deftly before it touched the grimy dungeon floor. “Wow can’t argue with that,” she said, hitting it and passing it along to Luna, who took it as Herminon disappeared.
Luna dreamily brought the blunt to her lips. She was probably already high off snorting her secret stash of powdered Crumple-Horned Snorkack horn. “My father says that the skibidiglobglogabgalabpoggers appear and grant you 69 wishes if you smoke a truly potent blunt.”
“Oi, me next! I was supposed to be first until Hermonionne stole it from me.”
When it was finally Harry’s turn, he was all alone with Draco. He deliriously giggled and twirled his uniform dress code breaking miniskirt. “Awe you suwe that you don’t want to smoke it first Draco? It’ll be covewed in evewyone’s gross sawiva >_<”
Harry held his breath, hoping that Draco would take the bait. He was so desperate for just a taste.
“Nah bruv. I can just kickflip real good and end up there on my own. Good luck, Potter.” Draco dropped the board he was holding and expertly hopped onto it in midair. He popped the board up when it hit the ground and performed the kickflip before disappearing.
“Draco-kuuuuun!1!11!!!!!”
Despondent, Harry slumped over and sadly hit the blunt alone.
The portkey pulled and stretched him through space until his perspective steadied and Harry felt his dainty femboy toes sinking slightly into gritty sand.
“Ayo bruvs, we’ve reached my special spot. Pretty good stuff; no one ever comes here,” Draco announced, now dressed in green Slytherin themed swim trunks. “I once shanked an innocent man on this beach. No one comes onto my beach uninvited.”
Harry started salivating at the sight of Draco’s swimwear like one of Pavlov’s dogs if they were perverted and touch starved.
“Woah, almost slipped in that saliva puddle there, mate,” said Ron who caught himself by grabbing Hermione’s shoulder.
“UWU” said Hermione.
Luna was unaware of the absurdity of the situation as she drew her Naruto oc in the sand with a stick. Ollivander stood over her and critiqued her art skills, but she did not care. Nearby, Ron caught and ate a whole seagull with his bare hands.
Hermononione noticed how adept Ron was at handling very large objects with his throat and gave him a big sloppy kiss on the mouth.
“Draco… bury me in the sand please?” Harry asked him bashfully. “What is a beach episode without someone being buried in the sand and possibly abandoned as a little silly jest?”
“Ok bruv. Don’t tell on me though this was consensual I am not bullying you.”