Work Text:
Falling in love with Kaz Brekker was, by far, one of the greatest challenges Wylan had ever faced. It was a difficult period filled with crushing feelings, hushed confessions, senseless arguments and the constant push and pull between their desires and painful pasts. There were many nights that Wylan had spent lying awake either in his hammock on Ferolind or his makeshift bed in the tomb, thinking that the two of them wouldn’t make it out of this fight together. Sometimes he wasn’t sure that he himself would make it out in one piece.
But he did. They both did, somehow. They were together now - truly together, not just working together or spending time together but trying to make this messy, wonderful thing between them work - and even a month later, Wylan still had a difficult time wrapping his head around the idea that he was dating Kaz Brekker.
The decision to keep their relationship a secret had been a joint one. Kaz couldn’t afford revealing a vulnerability as a newly minted Barrel boss, while Wylan had to uphold his clean image as the youngest employee of the Merchant Council. All of Ketterdam could’ve gathered and watched them when they were together without suspecting there was anything romantic between the two of them.
They met up almost everyday, usually in Wylan’s room during the late hours when the rest of Van Eck staff had either already headed home or gone to bed. They talked about their days, which usually dissolved into conversations about The Merchant Council, Barrel gangs, Kaz’s schemes and Wylan’s innovations. The same topics they used to discuss before the Ice Court heist and everything that followed. But as plain as it was, it was exactly what both of them needed.
Getting together was a fight that they didn’t leave unscarred. They’d made it now, managed to fight through every battle their broken minds had thrown their way - but just barely. One more act of cruelty and Kaz would’ve probably pushed Wylan away for good. They were still constantly on edge, shaken up by everything they’d gone through together. It was nice to spend time together, but there was undeniable tension, like both of them were bracing for things to go wrong again.
Right now the thing they needed most was boring and calm mundanity. They needed to be together, to sink into the comfort of each other’s presence without risking triggering their fears and starting new arguments as a result. So they didn’t show affection, didn’t talk about their relationship, they barely even flirted. Their late-night conversations, the simple activity which made them fall for each other in the first place, was the perfect way to be together for now. Wylan trusted that eventually they’d both feel safe enough to try more but, for now, he was happy with what they had.
Sometimes Kaz surprised Wylan by visiting the mansion in the morning on weekends when Wylan wasn’t working. Other times, Wylan liked to surprise Kaz by coming to the Crow Club during busy shifts that Kaz couldn’t pass onto Anika. And sometimes they met up under even different circumstances.
On one particular occasion, Wylan was already in bed by ten bells. Kaz had been out working all night and Wylan had had a tiring day, so he’d decided to call it an early night and head straight to bed. He was pleasantly dozing off when he was suddenly started awake by the sound of someone knocking on his window. Slowly, he reached for the gun he kept between his bedframe and mattress, wrapped his palm around the handle, finger resting on the trigger and waited. Then there was another series of three loud knocks, this time accompanied by a familiar raspy voice calling his name. Wylan sighed, got up and marched up to the window. When he opened it he was greeted by Kaz’s uncharacteristically innocent-looking face.
“Of all the times you could choose to knock instead of breaking in, you chose tonight,” Wylan grumbled.
“I was afraid that you might shoot me if you hadn’t known it was me,” said Kaz, gesturing at the small gun Wylan was still holding. Wylan only shook his head and stepped back, giving Kaz the space to pull himself into the room.
“What are you doing here anyway?” he asked as he walked back to his bed to turn on a lamp, giving the room some light. “I thought you were on that Club Cumulus job tonight.”
“I am. But I needed a place to change.”
Wylan turned around to see Kaz holding a pile of clothes, still neatly folded despite the climb.
“Don’t you usually try to find a dark corner in some abandoned alley?”
“I try to avoid it if I can,” Kaz explained, “and since I was in the area I thought I’d stop by to greet my favourite merchling.”
“Your favourite merchling was trying to sleep,” Wylan said, rubbing his temples as Kaz walked past him, into the ensuite bathroom to get changed. He didn’t bother to close the doors behind him, so Wylan turned his back to him with an aggravated sigh. He was saving the sight of Kaz undressing for a different kind of night. He let himself briefly imagine it, Kaz stripping for him, making a little show for Wylan like the smug bastard he was. He envisioned the image of Kaz’s clothes on his bedroom floor, imagined the tension of Kaz slowly moving forward, pressing his bare body against Wylan’s, pulling him into a hungry kiss… He was yanked out of his fantasy by Kaz’s voice.
“At this hour? It’s a bit early, don’t you think?”
“I was tired. Long day at the Merchant Council.”
“Ferrelson giving you trouble again?”
“Who else?”
“I still think that you’d be better off blowing up his summer house.”
“That’s your solution to everything. He’d just buy a new one anyway.”
“True, but it’d be a fitting annoyance until the right opportunity comes along.”
Wylan sighed, not saying anything for a while. “I dread the day I’ll slip and actually follow your horrible advice.”
He heard the warm sound of Kaz’s raspy laughter accompanied by footsteps and turned around, knowing he was done changing.
“I, for one, am very much looking forward to it.”
Wylan gave Kaz a once-over. The black and white tuxedo suit he was wearing wasn’t his usual style. The bowtie looked ridiculous on him, but aside from that, the lines of the fine satin fit his body almost perfectly. Wylan, probably for the millionth time, considered that it was a little ridiculous that someone could be as gorgeous as he was. He glanced down on his own plain sleeping gown and chuckled at the contrast they made. Kaz smiled as well.
“Do you want me to see you out through the front door?” Wylan asked.
Kaz cast him a look.
Wylan sighed. “Of course you don’t. Why do I even bother asking?”
They walked back to the window together and Wylan watched as Kaz swung his legs over the edge.
“Good luck robbing those elites,” Wylan wished.
“They’ll be the ones needing luck,” said Kaz, causing Wylan to smile. Then he carefully dropped down and soon after he was gone.
Wylan closed the window and headed back to his bed. But right before turning off the light he noticed the pile of Kaz’s clothes on the surface of his dresser. He walked up to them and carefully held them up in his hands. Either Kaz had forgotten them or he’d intentionally left them there to come pick up later. Regardless, he probably would want them back so to avoid the maid mistaking them for Wylan’s clothes, Wylan stuffed them into one of drawers of his night-stand and went back to bed. In a few minutes he was out like a light and slept peacefully for the rest of the night.
Most of the time Wylan was fine with their slow-paced relationship. He was happy just to have Kaz and to be with him, given that he’d never expected the two of them to make it to where they were now. But once their relationship began to feel safe and stable in comparison to the uncertain novelty it had once been, Wylan began wanting more. Simple desires which were easy enough to push aside grew into an aching longing that seemed to always be in the back of his mind.
He’d known what he was getting into when he’d started dating Kaz and didn’t expect him to push beyond his limits. Besides, Wylan loved Kaz for his brilliant mind, his snarky attitude and the good heart he would never admit to having, not for the cuddles he couldn’t provide. But Wylan did love him and he wanted to show that love by holding his hand, enveloping him in a ribs-crushing hug, or kissing him breathless until their bodies melded into one.
But Wylan couldn’t - not yet at least - so he did whatever he could to deal with his pent-up desire. Sometimes he cuddled with Jesper, it helped, even if there was nothing romantic between the two of them. Other times he drew the future he fantasised sharing with Kaz and hid the sketches afterwards. But most of the time he settled for crawling under the covers at night, holding tight onto his pillow and imagining it was Kaz’s body he was embracing.
The longing was typically strongest during the nights when he and Kaz were joking and laughing together. After they wished one another goodbye the feeling appeared, sinking its teeth into him. Tonight was such a night. Kaz had already gone back to the Crow Club and Wylan was left alone with a strange sense of joy, somehow both soothing and desperate.
They’d been talking about jewellery, more specifically a necklace that Kaz had stolen once and gifted to Wylan because he’d been ‘an inconspicuous hiding spot’. Wylan knew that he still had it but he didn’t know where. So he decided to distract himself from the longing that tugged at his heart by searching for it now.
His plans fell apart as soon as he opened the bottom drawer of his nightstand and found Kaz’s clothes which he’d stashed away weeks ago. He had completely forgotten about them and so must’ve Kaz, given that he’d never asked to have them back. Carefully, as if they might’ve fallen apart, Wylan took them out.
He thought of the way he and Kaz had been bickering earlier about if the necklace. Kaz had insisted it was truly just for the sake of convenience, but Wylan had suspected it had been Kaz’s unintentional attempt at romance. It’d been a silly argument that could’ve almost been considered flirting. He remembered Kaz’s crooked smile, the mischief in his eyes, the teasing tone of his voice. Wylan had wanted to kiss him so much. He looked down at Kaz’s clothes now, a simple white shirt, a desaturated waistcoat with a simple embroidered pattern, a wine red tie, ebony black pants.
He got an idea, his face suddenly feeling hot at the thought of it. It was embarrassing. It was stupid. Wylan glanced around himself despite knowing he was alone.
“Oh, whatever,” he whispered to himself. He would just pretend this never happened, repress the memory from his own mind. But Ghezen, he wanted Kaz so much it hurt. He could indulge himself just a little bit.
Desire overpowered insecurity as brought the clothes to his face, closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
It smelt just like Kaz but so much stronger, so much richer. It was intoxicating. His eyes snapped open from just how overwhelming it was. He closed them again, taking another breath. He was definitely a creep for doing this, but at that moment, he couldn’t bring himself to care. He imagined himself cuddled up against Kaz’s chest, his face pressed against his shirt, surrounded by his smell. The fantasy combined with the very real sensation was one of the most wonderful things that Wylan had experienced in a long time.
That night Wylan tucked himself under the covers, snuggling a pillow to his chest and imagining it was Kaz, as always. The fantasy he chose tonight was the two of them, years down the line, finally being able to enjoy this kind of gentle intimacy like it was nothing. But this time Wylan smiled to himself, knowing that he had a dirty little secret that his boyfriend knew nothing about.
After that Wylan didn’t forget about Kaz’s clothes in his bottom drawer again. He couldn't. They were always there, ready to ease his burning longing. The right thing to do would’ve been to give them back to Kaz, but he never did. Anytime he felt lonely and needy he took the shirt and the waistcoat out of the bottom drawer and let Kaz’s scent ignite his fantasies in such vivid colours that it was almost like he could feel the ghost of Kaz’s touch on his body. He knew that it was wrong and he always felt embarrassed afterwards, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop. No matter how many times he told himself that he would get rid of this awful temptation the next time Kaz visited, he never did. It was like a drug and Wylan found himself coming back to it over and over again.
One time, he found himself craving Kaz’s touch so badly that he couldn’t shake the thought of it all day. He was distracted and restless at work, affection Jesper didn’t help as much as it usually did, drawing, spending time with his mother, nothing silenced the painful longing in his heart. His last resort was to indulge in his usual habit of burying his face in Kaz’s clothes. He was so desperate that he didn’t even feel the shame that came with doing this, but unfortunately, he didn’t get the usual sweet relief out of it either for the very same reason.
He sorrowfully stashed the clothes away, got changed and crawled under covers, hugging a pillow to his chest. He had to replace the pillow he was sleeping with every so often because it always got too soft and lumpy after being cuddled too much. He gave a light snort at the silly thought of the same thing happening to Kaz. It was then that he was struck with a brilliantly awful idea.
He was so needy and desperate that he didn’t feel the slightest amount of shame when he turned on the lamp and took Kaz’s shirt from the bottom drawer. His hands were only slightly trembling as he unfastened every button and then slid the shirt over his pillow. He gave it an experimental squeeze, hugging it against his chest and leaning his cheek against it. Promptly, he decided that, yes, this was his most genius idea yet.
That night Wylan had the best sleep he’d had in months.
After that he stopped feeling embarrassed. The discovery that he could fall asleep surrounded by Kaz’s smell was too wonderful to resist. He gave in, spending night after night curled around the dressed-up pillow. And, after all, why should he feel embarrassed for feeling such desire for his boyfriend? Yes, they’d decided to take things slowly, but that didn’t mean that Wylan couldn’t take things further in the privacy of his own imagination.
But despite overcoming his own disapproval, the thought of anyone, especially Kaz, finding out about his new habit was still mortifying. So Wylan decided to keep it a secret. He thought that he was pretty efficient at hiding it. Every morning, the first thing he did upon waking up was to strip the pillow and hide the shirt in the bottom drawer along with the rest of Kaz’s clothes. And every evening he checked he was truly alone before dressing up the pillow again. His carefulness paid off as no one, not even Kaz Brekker himself, found out about his secret.
Unfortunately, the scent faded pretty fast. Most nights Wylan didn’t care, just knowing that it was Kaz’s shirt he was cuddling was enough to lull him to sleep. But every so often he felt needy, wanting more, and silenced his desire by dressing the shirt up in an extra layer, usually Kaz’s waistcoat. The scent was strong and fresh once again and gave Wylan the comfort he needed for that night.
After only a few weeks Wylan had completely fallen into this new habit of his, sleeping with a pillow dressed up in Kaz’s shirt every night, hiding it every morning, dressing it up in more layers when he felt the need to. It became something completely ordinary to him, as much of a part of his routine as eating breakfast, going to work or spending time with his boyfriend.
“Wylan.”
There was a voice. A hand shaking his shoulder.
Wylan groaned and buried his face into the pillow.
“Wylan, wake up.”
He wasn’t exactly a heavy sleeper, just difficult to wake up if he hadn’t gotten enough sleep. It was a habit that had always been with him, even during his time in the Barrel.
Had it been Jesper waking him, Wylan would’ve swatted him away with a clumsy hand. But through the haze of his own drowsiness he could recognise Kaz’s voice. It was the only sound that made him feel actually willing to wake up.
He rolled over on his back, groaning softly as he rubbed his eyelids. Eventually he blinked open his eyes to look at Kaz. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, dressed in a woolly black coat lined with fur, his hair neatly combed back. Despite the early hour he looked sharp and alert as always. Wylan could only imagine how he himself looked, curls sticking out in all directions, eyes unfocused with sleep, a rumpled sleep-shirt the only thing hiding his bare body from the world. The vast difference between them made him feel hot with embarrassment.
“What?” he croaked, still struggling to blink away the dawn light.
“So you know how Inej is supposed to dock next week?”
“Yeah?” Wylan forced his body to sit up against the headboard.
“She docked last night.”
“Did something happen? Is she hurt?” The possibility of his friend in danger finally woke him up in full as he subconsciously hugged the pillow in his lap closer to his chest.
“She’s alright,” Kaz reassured him, “but she’s found a trail, an underground network of traffickers in Os Kervo. She’s tracked them down and managed to gather some information on the group, but she’s not certain what the best approach to taking them down would be. Fortunately for her, that’s just my speciality,” he gave a crooked, cocky smile. “She told me that it’s a big organisation and she wants to make sure to destroy them as a whole, so that they can never regroup, that’s why she asked for my help. We’re sailing to Ravka, I’ve come to say goodbye.”
The final pieces of the puzzle finally clicked in Wylan’s head. “Right now?”
“It’s a bit of a short notice, I know,” Kaz said. “Inej managed to find out that they have a big meeting coming up soon. They’ll be open and vulnerable then and we can’t afford to miss such an opportunity.”
“Okay. How long will you be away?”
“A few weeks. I’ll write to you if I can.”
“Alright,” Wylan nodded. He reached out his hand, opening the palm towards Kaz, the motion causing him to glance down. “I’ll see you soon?”
“See you soon,” Kaz said, the faintest smile on his lips as he placed his gloved hand into Wylan’s. Wylan looked down at their conjoined hands, but the pleasant feeling warming his chest turned into cold dread once he realised that he was still hugging the pillow dressed in Kaz’s shirt. The pillow Kaz himself could clearly see now as well. Wylan’s panicked gaze shot up to Kaz’s face just in time to see him inquisitively frown at the object in Wylan’s lap.
“Is that… my shirt?”
“No.” Wylan’s lie was anything but convincing thanks to the bright red blush that had covered his cheeks.
“It is. It’s the one I left here before the Club Cumulus job in summer,” Kaz insisted, because of course his spectacular memory would decide to kick in now. He looked back up at Wylan. “Have you been sleeping with it this entire time?”
“No,” Wylan tried again. Kaz raised his brows in disbelief. “Only… Some of the time?” Wylan didn’t want to keep having this conversation. He laid back down and muffled a groan of mortification against the pillow before rolling over on his side, hiding his flushed face from Kaz.
“Wylan,” he could, unfortunately, still heard Kaz’s amusement.
“No.”
“Don’t you think you’re overreacting?”
“I’m not,” Wylan mumbled against the pillow. He untangled one of his arms to make a shooing motion at Kaz. “Just go to Ravka already.”
He heard Kaz chuckle, warm and sweet. Obviously he didn’t mind, Wylan knew he wouldn’t. But that didn’t make him any more willing to look at Kaz right now, feeling mortified that he’d found out about his secret like this.
Suddenly Wylan felt Kaz’s hand, tousling his hair. Moments later a kiss was pressed into his curls. Despite the sensation being gentle and barely noticeable, it sent an almost electrifying feeling coursing through his entire body, causing his eyes to snap open. The mattress creaked quietly as Kaz shifted.
“You’re adorable,” he murmured as he stood.
When he heard Kaz walking away he finally got up, leaning his weight on his elbow. Kaz looked at him, a warm, if not somewhat self-satisfied smile on his face. A smile that made Wylan consider that perhaps this was his plan all along. That maybe he’d left his clothes with Wylan on purpose . He began to scowl without even realising.
“What?” Kaz asked, seeing the change in his expression.
“I wanna say that I hate you,” Wylan said, “but I don’t want those to be my last words in case you get killed in Ravka.”
“Your consideration is appreciated, even if I am a little offended that you think some pathetic traffickers have what it takes to kill me,” Kaz said as he carefully climbed his way over the window ledge. He took one last look at Wylan. “Don’t miss me too much. But then again, it shouldn't be hard given that you already seem to have found a replacement for me.”
Wylan winced at his words. In that moment he wanted to punch Kaz almost as much as he wanted to kiss him.
“Goodbye, Kaz,” he said with a little more force than intended.
Kaz only chuckled as he disappeared into the night.
Wylan didn’t know when exactly Kaz had returned to Ketterdam. He didn’t appear in Wylan’s room, or show his face in the club. He hadn’t written to ask Wylan to come to the docks to greet him, nor had he done anything to ignite whispers that Dirtyhands was back in town.
Instead, Wylan returned home to find a stack of folded shirts sitting on top of his bed.
Smiling to himself, he began putting together his own bundle of clothes to take to the Slat.