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She should've expected this.
Really, she knew Eda was as good as her - better even.
She knew it was bound to happen.
Yet she let herself believe she has a chance, a real chance.
The worst part was that she couldn't even blame Eda for it.
After all, It was her dream too, wasn't it? They wanted to do it together, yes, but each of them wanted this on her own too.
It still hurt.
Eda always told Lilith that she had nothing to worry about - there was no one more fitting to the Emperor's Coven than her.
Well, clearly the Coven thinks differently.
When Lilith returned home after the tryouts, she couldn't talk to anyone. She couldn't open her mouth, because no words would find their way out, but she didn't have to either. Her parents already knew, of course they did, and they said nothing as well.
It was moments like this, where Lilith wished she wasn't so self seficied. That even if she wasn't Eda and wasn't getting into constant trouble, her parents would still notice her and see she was hurt.
Right now, she was hurting more than ever before, and it was so overwhelming that there was no way to escape the horror of the truth, the pain of the reality.
She failed.
It was hard enough to know she failed, but knowing that Eda got in and she didn't - that was far more devastating than anything else she had ever experienced before.
Eda barley trained for this, she didn't pay attention to studies, and didn't put any effort into this. Eda showed up late to the tryouts, sweaty and disheveled, not even bothering to apologize to the scouts or clean her messy wrinkled hexside uniform of the dust and mud that stuck to it.
And then, then she forfeited. Something that was supposed to mean Lilith was the winner.
But it wasn't.
It was a little too late for this.
Lilith closed her eyes, wishing for a way to forget this day had ever happened. She couldn't stop the memories, hearing over and over again in her head those dammed words, "Congratulations, Edalyn Clawthorne, welcome to the Emperor's Coven."
She could see Eda's surprised face, with a tingle of stained happiness in it. Feel the eyes of everyone in the audience piercing through her, waiting for a reaction. In their eyes she must have looked like a lost palisman, forever wandering alone without its owner. So small and helpless, struck and muted.
She was supposed to be a winner. A hardworking dedicated and bright witch. The best of the best.
Only when she heard Eda call her name in a shaky whisper she snapped out of her freeze to stare at her sister. Eda looked as shocked as her, but it didn't matter. All Lilith could see in her was the reflection of herself, looking like a terrified prey. All Lilith could think about when looking at her was all the time before when they worked together towards this shared goal, dreaming of a future together, something that was now lost.
And all she could feel, looking in Eda's eyes, was pure jealousy and resentment.
Because that spot was supposed to belong to her.
And she could've had it if she was... well... A little bit more daring, perhaps.
Because, despite having a solid plan on how to surely win against Eda, Lilith didn't dare to actually do it.
She played with the curse scroll in her hand all the night prior to the tryouts, but couldn't bring herself to use it. She didn't want to hurt her sister, and she was positive she could beat her without using a curse on her.
Everything felt so good back at that evening, when it was the world before the present. When every future was possible. When not using a curse - an actual harmful curse - on her sister felt like the right thing to do.
If she ever finds those time pools she'll go back to the evening before and beg for Eda to not show up to the tryouts at all, to resign officially before the tryouts, to fight and let her win. anything, really.
Lilith knew Eda would win - all the future possibilities told her so. That's why she went to the night market and bought the curse.
And still, she chose to be better. To believe in herself, hoping for the best.
Hope. What a stupid thing.
She can hope for a miracle, for those time pools, hope that there's been a mistake, that the Emperor's Coven would knock on the door and say there's another spot available and it's for Lilith.
But it wouldn't do any good.
Hope couldn't change the present.
Now it was the world after, now she was living in a world where her sister's in the coven and she... Isn't.
A messed-up timeline.
And it felt like she's been chained down by heavy, heavy metal handicaps. She couldn't move, couldn't speak, she was a prisoner of the situation.
And nothing could ever set her free.
The first night was the worst.
After returning from the tryouts, she lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling for hours unable to process the events of the tryouts, the almost duel, Eda's victory... She couldn't grasp it.
Then, when she heard Eda's voice from downstairs, when the moon already hung high in the sky - that's when the tears came.
She prayed to the Titan that no one would enter her room, especially not Eda. And they didn't, but somehow that's only made her feel worse.
She wasn't worthy of their time, wasn't worthy of the coven - what was she good for?
Nothing. Probably nothing.
That's why Eda will get her chance to shine while Lilith rots. That's what you get for being a lowlife.
But she followed all the rules carefully, and did everything she was asked for. So how come she lost?
This wasn't the reality, she realized. It's just a dream. Yes, that makes perfectly sense - she used to have those dreams all the time. Her biggest nightmares were not being accepted to the coven. It was in all varieties of failing - not being able to show up to the tryouts, sleeping through it, fighting someone who's stronger than her, failing the tests, being laughed at and looked down at... But she always woke up when it was all over, long before she made her way home.
Each time she woke from those dreams she was even more focused on her goal, studying and practicing even harder.
Maybe that's what she needs to do now, at least until she wakes up.
Dreamscapes sometimes served as a prison, and there was nothing much to do but wait until your body woke from the outside, as you couldn't wake it from the inside, not when you're in the dreamscape. Maybe she accidentally tasted some sleeping nettles and that's why the dream continues. It's okay, she can just study for the tryouts in this dream.
Nothing has to change.
But she was far too smart to fall for this make-believe.
She collapsed then.
Something cracked inside her had finally shattered, and the pieces were stabbing her from the inside, and she was desperate to get them all out before she'd be cut into countless pieces, like how she felt.
Unsurprisingly, no amount of scratching, head banging or hair pulling had helped in anything other than making her feel worse with that new pain, but she couldn't help it.
Everything felt too much to her, and she didn't know how to escape the feelings, thoughts, and everything that was pulling her deeper and deeper. Like a million hands grabbing onto her and pushing her into an endless pit of darkness.
Something had gone terribly wrong. Something was wrong and she couldn't decide if it was herself or the world.
But she was desperate to get herself out of this
She reminisced all the time prior to the tryouts: the long days and even longer nights filled with studies, the physical training, and the planning of the future. Was it Eda's dream? She would've never gone all that way if it wasn't for Lilith. She wasn't one to think about the future, think about anything at all, and she wouldn't really do anything to get into the Emperor's Coven if Lilith hadn't too.
Lilith wanted to scream at Eda for stealing this away from her. Not enough she's stealing all of their parents' attention, all of the teachers' praises, now she's taking her dream - her future - as well?
But...
She couldn't really be mad at her sister - it wasn't her fault. She's not the one in charge of deciding who to accept into the coven. It's not her fault the coven chose her and not Lilith.
She just wished it could be her instead. Or better, that there was more than just one spot available. That the two of them could join together.
"Oh well, there's always the next year." Everyone told her the next day, with that pitiful look in their eyes - but it didn't make it any better.
She had worked SO HARD for this! If she gave her best, everything she got, all the effort and power that she has... How could she top it next year? They wouldn't be interested in her next year, they have already seen everything she has to offer...
She felt abandoned. unneeded. That same old feeling she felt all her life. She wished to go back to the time before, when all her focus was on the future, when dreaming felt possible. What was the point now? In a few days, the school year would come to an end. Eda would leave to join the Emperor's coven - because it didn't matter to them whether she wanted it or not - and Lilith would be forced to join another coven and have her magic restricted for the rest of her life. She will no longer have that chance to be better, to do better. she was doomed.
For all she cared, the skies could fall and crash everyone underneath them. The oh mighty Titan was as powerless as her, standing in the front line in her graduation ceremony, handing over her hands with tears in her eyes.
The three seats saved for her family were empty - a painful reminder that they were all at Eda's coven ceremony. This could've been her.
All that was left for her was to close her eyes, breathe in, and ignore the tingling feeling of the branding glove taking the rest of her magic away.
Life will never be the same.