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Chapter Text

Five weeks at camp

Luz cracks one eye open at the trumpets outside, groaning at the sight of the wooden ceiling. The usual sadness assaults her, pinning her to the bed, then another feeling creeps in. A feeling she still isn’t used to. Something resembling happiness.

Masha climbs down, wishing Luz good morning, and Luz feels an energy come over her.

She has friends, she’s made friends.

Memories of talking late into the night come rushing in, sweeping away the month of lonely nights almost crying, missing her mom.

The rush pushes her out of bed, a happy energy courses through her. After a week, she still isn’t used to this, she doesn’t want to get used to it.

She needs an outlet for this energy, something to pour it into before she’d forced to sit still for three hours.

Her eyes fall on Robby, arranging his stationary on his desk. A grin spreads across her face as she creeps up behind him.

“Sneak hug!” she beams wrapping her arms around him, squeezing all her happiness out.

Robby shrieks.

Luz is pushed back.

An edge slams into the back of her head, stars dance behind her eyelids for a second.

“Luz?” Robby asks shakily, his form looks down at her, “Oh my god, Luz!”

The cabin door slams open, two grey figures stroll in.

“What happened? What are you screaming for?” Counsellor Mike asks urgently, Counsellor Carol follows, her eyes widening when they fall on Luz.

“Oh no!” she kneels down, “Camper Luz, how many fingers am I holding up?”

“I’m fine,” Luz shakes her head, trying to sit up, but carol pushes her back down.

“Hush now sweetie, try not to move,” she holds her hand up, “how many fingers?”

Luz sighs, “three.”

Carol lets out a relived breath, as if she’d just seen Luz breathe for the first time.

“What happened?” Mike’s eyes sweep the cabin.

“It was me,” Robby says, his face radiating guilt “I pushed her,” his eyes fall on Luz, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!”

“Robby it’s fine,” Luz tries to rise again, but Carol pushes her down.

“Not too fast sweetie,” she coos, gently tilting her head forward, “oh my, she’s bleeding!”

Robby hangs his head, as Mike steps in front of him.

“Robby, look at me,” Robby hesitates, “look at me.” Robby forced himself to meet Mike’s eyes, as his finger starts wagging.

“Assaulting other campers is a big no-no, don’t you remember the presentation we gave on the first day?”

“Yes Counsellor Mike,” Robby nods.

“I’m afraid you’ll need to spend the weekend in detention, to think about what you did.”

“That’s fair,” Robby nods.

“No,” Luz rises before Carol can stop her, “it was my fault, I tried to hug him!”

“Shh, shh shh,” Carol wraps Luz’s arm around her shoulder, and puts a hand on her waist, “don’t talk sweetie, you’ve just had a nasty knock. Lean on me, we’ll get that boo-boo sorted out.”

Luz seethed. The back of her head ached a bit, but she didn’t feel dizzy, or wobbly, it certainly wasn’t worth Robby getting detention over.”

“Assaulting Camper Luz over a simple hug, really now” Mike shakes his head, “you were making such good progress in classes Robby, none of that silly fidgeting business. To revert like this, I’m very disappointed in you.”

“Me too,” Robby sighs, looking over at Luz, “I deserve detention.”

“I’m afraid you do,” Mike wags a winger at Robby again, “be ready tonight, with your homework for the week.”

Robby nods. Luz opens her mouth but Carol talks over her with soothing words, marching her out of the cabin with surprising strength.

It takes the whole day before the camp medic is happy to let Luz go. After an hour of testing and re-testing, with Mr Samuels hovering on the edge, nervously fidgeting.

Instead of classes, Luz gets to lie in bed, staring up at the white ceiling, being checked on every hour to make sure she’s still conscious (so no napping, fun) alert, and that her mind is working. Mr Samuels checks in on her too, asking the medic for reports, the words ‘sue,’ ‘compensation,’ and ‘inform the parent or guardian,’ crop up more than once.

By the time she’s let go, Robby has already left for detention guilt lays heavy on her shoulders the entire weekend. Why had she been so mean? Why did she have to get him in trouble?

She’s ready, when Robby gets back, she’d ready. The only thing that stops her flurry of apologies is his, and both look at each other, confused. After some (friendly) arguing for the next hour, they agree to a truce, and to put it behind them.

Robby does, but Luz doesn’t, she catalogues it, so she learns, and never does such a thing again. Robby deserves better than a friend that doesn’t respect his boundaries.

Eight weeks at camp

Luz cracks one eye open at the trumpet blaring outside, groaning at the sight of the wooden ceiling. She doubts she’ll ever stop doing that, but at least she has people to say good morning to now, people to talk to at lunch, especially.

“Morning Luz,” Masha climbs down from the top bunk, smiling. Luz’s face feels hot despite the air conditioning, and she could swear Masha’s grows a little red too.

“Morning Masha,” she manages, with her signature grin.

This weekend, she will do it this weekend.

Slipping her acceptable clothes on, Luz kneels to grab the package from her…from her mother. The package shows signs of being opened, then hastily rewrapped, and the date says it was sent two weeks ago.

She looks inside and withdraws a piece of fudge. Her brain fights with itself, but she pushes it away. It’s just a gaslighting tactic, attaching something nice to that evening so Luz would feel bad for being hurt by it. Bruno had explained that last night.

At least it would come in handy.

This morning class consists of a gruelling three hours of the Brady Bunch. Luz keeps herself awake by imagining what severe trauma each member of the family is hiding behind those constant fake smiles (if anyone knows, it’s her).

Once lunch rolls around, Luz grabs her usual lunch, and scoots over to a different table than usual. Bruno nods to her as they pass, she told Cabin 7 this morning that she’d be talking to someone else briefly.

“Afternoon,” Luz smiles at Cabin 2, who eye her curiously, but not with any hostility, like at school, “mind if I sit down.”

“Help yourself,” one camper gestures to a chair next to them. Luz sits and makes a show of eating while the counsellor passes them.

Once there’s enough distance, Luz leaned in, “I heard your cabin can…produce things, relating to Friday.”

The camper looks at her, their face plain, “possibly, it’s a lot of work though, needs to be worth our time.”

Luz’s fist taps the camper’s knee under the table, then puts the fudge into their hand.

They wait until the counsellor passes again, and takes a bite, their eyes widening.

“There’s a box in my cabin,” Luz whispers.

The camper nods, “bring it to our cabin tonight, at seven-thirty.”

After class, Luz manages to, only running into one counsellor on the way back. They wag their finger, and recite some ‘early to bed, early to rise’ mantra, but never even glance at the papers in her hand.

“Welcome back,” Masha calls when Luz opens the door, “were you successful?”

“Heck yeah!” Luz beams, holding up the papers, “test answers!”

“What?” Robby’s eyes widen as he sits up from his bed.

“From Cabin 2,” Luz says, keeping her voice down.

“So, the rumours are true,” Bruno muses, glancing over the papers as Luz spreads them out.

“But how would they get them?” Masha asks, “even these bozos would notice if something went missing from their office.”

“It’s not exactly that,” Luz explains, “they say what comes up on the tests are predictable, and they can make educated guesses what will come up.”

“Not surprising, given this place,” Bruno mutters.

Luz nods, “I’ve heard whispers from other campers, they’ve gotten good results,” she turns to them, “we could pass on Friday, have a weekend to ourselves that isn’t detention.”

“That…wow,” Masha muses.

“Doing what, exactly?” Bruno asks.

“Just hanging out, talking, obsessing about Azura,” Luz replies.

And perhaps something else, if she can get ready in time.

“Thank you, Luz,” Masha pulls her into a hug, Luz feels her face flush again, “this is…thank you!”

“Anything for my friends,” Luz nods, “I mean it, you guys, you’ve been amazing.”

After scribbling whatever on their homework, Cabin 7 spends the rest of the night poring over the notes, taking in everything they can.

The test on Friday feels…off. Some of what they’ve read comes up, and they answer it easily, but others…Luz doesn’t have a clue. She turns in her paper and sets off for lunch with a sense of unease she can’t shake.

“Darn it,” Masha huffs, as they gather around to see the results on the board.

“It didn’t work,” Robby states.

Anger bubbles in Luz’s heart at the score. In any school these marks would be a pass, not at Camp Reality Check, no siree. The counsellor comes in, ushering them into their seats before Luz can say sorry, sorry for letting her friends down.

They’re covering mortgages today, but Luz is busy seething to take any of it in. More than once, the counsellor calls her out for fidgeting, wagging their winger at her, and speaking to her like she’s five. Somehow, she avoids detention, by stopping herself from snapping, or chucking something at the counsellor.

At dinner, Luz grabs her tray, then walks over to Cabin 2’s table.

Cabin 2 notices her, and keeps an eye on her, as she slams her tray down, and glares at them.

“On behalf of our cabin, I apologize,” the biggest one shuffles next to her “it’s an art, not a science, we can’t always be 70% accurate.”

“You said it was a done deal!” Luz growls.

“We never said that” they reply, “the rumours do.”

“I had plans for this weekend,” Luz’s voice rises, other heads turn towards her, “I want my fudge back!”

“Shh!” the camper gestures at the counsellor patrolling the other side, “getting us in trouble won’t solve anything. I’m sorry, but we had a midnight feast last night, we can find…”

“You ripped me off!” Luz almost shouts, grabbing the camper by the collar.

Weeks, months really, of frustration, of hurt, of sheer emotional boredom bubble out of her. She’ll have to spend another weekend in that boring classroom, another weekend failing at doing anything right. Cabin 4 is ready with her stuff, she’s traded all of mama…mother’s packages for it, now she won’t have time to set anything up, time to make it breathtaking, amazing, and real when she tells Masha…

“Luz,” Bruno whispers, as a hand rests on her shoulder. Luz takes a breath, releasing the camper, who sits back down, and puts on a face of indifference as the counsellor approaches.

“What is going on here?” they ask, leaning in, “no roughhousing I hope.”

“Not at all,” the camper shakes their head, “we were just redoing a scene, from one of Shakespeare’s plays. Right guys?”

Luz and Bruno nod immediately.

The counsellors smiles, “well, we don’t usually condone play acting, but Shakespeare is one of the good ones. But remember one of our mottos, ‘Actors Act, People’s Peep into productive careers.’

“Sorry,” Luz rubs the back of her head, “the need, the need overcame me,”

“Yes, I remember you still struggle, Camper Luz,” the counsellor wags their winger at her, “you only have one month left at Camp Reality Check, I suggest you make an extra special effort with the time you have here. You want your family to see a new, improved Luz when you return home, don’t you?”

Luz contents herself with a clenched fist. “Yes, Counsellor Mike,” she smiles.

“Now,” Miks puts a hand on each of their shoulders, “I don’t want to see any more play acting, alright? It would be a shame if you had to go into detention.”

“Of course, Counsellor Mike,” the camper nods.

Both head towards Cabin 7s table, but Bruno steers Luz by the shoulder into a corner instead.

<<So,>> Bruno whispers to Luz in Spanish, <<what was all that about?>>

Luz looks away sheepishly, before another camper approaches. Someone from Cabin 4.

“We have the stuff,” they whisper to Luz, “want it delivered?”

Luz sighs, then shakes her head, “sorry, I don’t have time now.”

“Well, we can’t leave it in our cabin,” they mutter, “it’ll be there tomorrow morning, before classes.”

Luz sighs, then nods.

Bruno raises an eyebrow. Luz gestures with her hand, and he leans in closer. No way out of it now.

<<I was gonna use this weekend to….>> she braces herself, <<to ask Masha out, sort of.>>

She expects shock, not smiling.

<<Finally,>> he sighs, grinning.

Luz raised her eyebrows <<Was I that obvious?>>

<<Robby saw it.>>

Robby saw it. Robby saw it. Luz feels her face flush all over again.

<<Go for it,>> Bruno nods.

<<But it needs to be breathtaking,>> Luz explains, <<emotional, and real. Everyone back home…>> she shudders at the memories <<everyone back home thought I was cheesy. I can’t let…>>

Bruno rumbles with laughter, actually doubling over, clutching his stomach.

<<What’s so funny?>> Luz asks, annoyed.

Bruno collects himself, wiping a tear from underneath his hair.

<<Masha already knows you’re cheesy, we all do,>> Bruno explains, <<That’s what they love about you. What did you think all the blushing was about?>>

Luz’s brain scrambles for an answer, trying desperately to save face, <<the heat?>>

Bruno just shakes his head, smirking, <<just tell them.>>

<<What if they say no?>>

Bruno looks at her, she senses the deadpan from behind his hair, <<then I’ll do a Flamenco dance on the cafeteria table, every day until the end of camp.>>

Luz’s eyes widen. Bruno hates flamenco dancing.

<<I couldn’t ask you to do that.>>

<<Trust me,>> Bruno puts a hand on her shoulder, <<I don’t think it’ll come to that.>>

Luz sighs, but nods. This suspense is tearing her apart anyway, might as well risk it.

It was nice while it lasted. She’s used to not having friends anyway.

“Let’s go to the ‘garden’” Bruno’s tone draws the quotation marks, “after dinner, what do you say?”

“Okay,” Masha nods.

“Oh, is it time for that plan?” Robby asks Bruno.

“Plan?” Masha looks at Robby curiously.

“I’m not supposed to say anything,” Robby explains.

Once at the garden, Luz and Masha sit down, Bruno hesitates.

“Damn, I forgot something at the cabin,” he says, “won’t be a moment.”

“I thought we agreed it’d be homework,” Robby remarks, following him.

Luz and Masha sit on the bench, eyes travelling to the sky, to the wooden walls, to the foam footpaths, to the fake grass.

Luz takes a breath.

“Masha, there’s…” she breathes again, “there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you, for a while now.”

Masha looks at her, their face glowing red, “yeah?”

“but I wanted to say it in the best way, because…because you’re so cool, and classy, and you deserve it. I hoped I could set it up this weekend, but I failed the test, and now, I can’t, and I don’t know how to say it, I don’t know how to do it justice…”

Masha’s face somehow became even redder, “I’m…I’m not as cool as you think, you know.”

Luz breathes, wiping some sweat from her forehead.

“Look, these past months, they’ve been some of the worst and most boring of my life. Well, definitely a close second. Camp. My mother, the loneliness, the constant failure, but through it all, you were there, when I let you be,” Luz rubs the back of her head. “Your friendship, Bruno’s and Robby’s friendship, it’s getting me through all this.”

“Your friendship helps us too,” Masha places a hand on Luz’s, “don’t devalue yourself.”

Luz sighs, “I don’t know what’ll happen when I go back, when I have to face…her again, when I need to be myself in front of her. But whatever happens,” Luz squeezes Masha’s hand, “it would mean to much to me if you were there alongside me. So, Masha Strickland…” she breathes again, for the first time in her life she can stop herself from blurting things out, but she has to, before she passes out from the heat in her face…

“Do you wanna go out with me?” Masha blurts out, their face resembling a tomato.

“Uhhhhh,” Luz groans, sliding down on the bench as the tension leaves her body, “I was all prepared, and everything!”

“Sorry,” Masha splutters, their face flustered, for once, “please, you can say it.”

“Okay,” Luz breathes, straightening herself up, “do you wanna go out with me?”

“Yes!” Masha exclaims. Both look down at their hands, and squeeze.

“Why is this still so scary?” Luz asks, as an owl starts hooting in the distance. Since when did this place have owls?

“I dunno,” Masha breathes. They look up to meet Luz’s eyes, and break into the largest grin. Luz feels her own mouth smile, the largest since coming here.

“They planned this,” Masha states.

“Who?” Luz asks, flustered.

“Those two,” Masha gestures at nothing, “they’re still not back yet.”

“Oh yeah,” Luz nods, “Bruno said he noticed.”

“And you never did?” Masha grins fondly.

Luz shakes her head, “not until the…not until the phonecall with…with her.”

“It took you that long?” Masha gently bops Luz on the head, “you dope.”

“Yeah,” Luz just nods sheepishly.

“Wanna be my dope?”

“Absolutely.”

They sit in silence, locked in each other’s eyes, only the sound of owls hooting can be heard.

“Hey there, not daydreaming, I hope,” comes the voice of a counsellor behind them, shattering the beautiful dream they were both sharing.

“No Counsellor Carol,” Masha says immediately.

“Now, I can appreciate the need to bask in the sun,” Counsellor Carol waves her finger at them, “but I don’t see any homework in front of you. You don’t want to rush it and do a poor job, do you?”

“Absolutely not,” Luz chimes in, shaking her head.

“Well, if you need to work late into the night, it’ll be your own fault,” Carol wags her finger again, “I don’t want to hear about any sleeping in class, alright?”

“You won’t,” Masha reassures, plastering their best fake smile on.

“Then I should get back to your cabin, soon,” Carol suggests, “enjoy your evening girls.”

“We will,” Luz smiles, squeezing Masha’s hand in solidarity.

Once back at the cabin, everyone scribbles whatever on their homework, then sit in a circle, chatting about the usual, with a brand-new topic to talk about. Bruno mutters “finally,” while Robby asks how this dating thing works. Neither is sure themselves.

On Saturday, Luz and Masha stay in their cabin, scoffing the food Cabin 4 procured, and hanging the gothic banner in the cabin. They manage an hour before a counsellor comes knocking, asking why neither is in class. A boring lecture about reality and growing up, along with detention next weekend is worth it. They will spend it dreaming of each other, and of what they can do when camp is finally over.

Chapter Text

Ten weeks at camp

Missing you Mija, I’m glad you’re having fun with your friends.

See you in two weeks. I can’t wait. Te quiero muchisimo.

Luz’s brain battles with itself as she types her reply.

I don’t want to miss you anymore mother.

She deletes is, takes a frustrated breath, then works up the courage to type again.

I don’t want to need you anymore. I have friends who accept me, we’re through.

Her finger hovers over the send button. She can’t bring herself to press it. She groans and deletes it again. Eventually she gives up and puts the phone down. The excuse of hanging out always works with her mama…her mother, probably misty eyed at the perfect, normal daughter she’ll get back soon.

Her thoughts start to spin anew.

Two weeks, and she’ll be free of this place.

Two weeks, and she’ll see her mama…her mother face to face again.

Two weeks, and she’ll be able to hang out with her friends, for a proper amount of time.

Two weeks, and she’ll be back to school, failing as always. How will her mother react?

Two weeks, and she and Masha can go on dates, real ones.

Two weeks, and she’ll have to put her thoughts into practice. Can she hug her mother, act like she loves her, without getting sucked in? Without being convinced her Mama actually loves her? The thought of her mother’s smiling face…everything her Amigas said made perfect sense, but while she's in front of her…

Luz shakes her head. Camp would be over, but the true test would soon begin. The test to break free of her…

“Batata?” Masha puts a hand on Luz’s shoulder, and Luz jerks out of her stupor. “You okay?”

“Yeah, totally,” Luz grins as wide as she can.

Masha doesn’t look convinced.

“Well, my mother, texting me again,” she rolls her eyes, “she’s fooled, all right.”

“Clearly she knows her own daughter,” Luz senses Bruno rolling his own eyes, “wanna talk about it?”

“No!” Luz blurts out.

“Batata, we don’t mind, remember?” Masha says.

“We get it,” Robby nods.

They get being mad at her, they get feeling hurt by her, but what Luz is feeling right now…how could they get it? It didn’t even make sense to her…

Someone knocks on the cabin door. Everyone glances at the clock, they’re not even close to late for class.

The door opens, it’s a camper from Cabin 2. They’re holding something in their hands.

“Fellow inmates,” they declare, “who wants to join us in a massive undertaking, to…”

“Me!” Luz exclaims, leaping up from her bed. Yes! A distraction!

“Wonderful,” the camper nods, showing Luz the paper. “We have two weeks left in this prison, let’s thumb our noses at this stupid camp, show them that they haven’t succeeded!”

“Let’s!” Luz nods, glancing down at the paper, and the plans on it.

“Is making them angry a good idea?” Robby asks.

“What are they gonna do?” the camper snorts “Put us in detention for two whole weeks? Yes please, no more boring lessons!”

“Exactly,” Luz shoots finger guns, “I’m in, what do you need?”

“Be at our cabin after evening classes,” the camper nods, “or be square.”

“Not a chance!” Luz pumps her fist in the air, feeling Cabin 7s eyes on the back of her head.

After a day of learning to plan a mortgage, all of Cabin 7 sneaks out to Cabin 2. At least one from every cabin is there, except Cabin 5, which is not entirely surprising.

“Okay everyone, settle down,” the biggest camper from Cabin 2 shouts. “Now, here’s what we propose. This Friday, at dinner time, everyone who wants to, stands on their table, and belts out the same song. A song that we know will tick the counsellors off, and insult everything this stupid camp stands for!”

Murmurs ripple through the cabin, excitement, nervousness.

“Which song?” one camper asks, they fidget as much as Luz does, and often went to detention for speaking up in class without raising their hand.

“That’s what we’re here to decide,” the camper explains, “any suggestions?”

“That’s it?” Luz pipes up, “a song?”

The camper looks over at her, “what did you have in mind?”

“This is a statement, right?” Luz stands up, energy buzzing through her, “a statement that we have a different way of saying things, a different way of doing things, that may make us ‘weird’,” she draws air quotes, “but is also makes us awesome, right?”

Murmurs of agreement ripple throughout the crowd, “so we should go all in, cause more than some annoying noise!” she paces between the crowd, “we should show this camp that no-one should be punished for who they are!”

Cheers ripple from the crowd.

“The counsellors,” the camper from cabin 2 warns, and the noise dies down.

“Okay then, Luz, was it?” they look at her, slight irritation on their face at being upstaged, “what did you have in mind?”

Luz’s mind races, a hundred possibilities, a hundred schemes, plots, ruses, and shenanigans. Her mother’s disappointed face flashes through her mind, then she remembers the book report.

“Cabin 4,” she points to said campers, “you can get anything, right?”

“Anything,” one nods smugly.

“We need fireworks,” Luz exclaims, “and confetti, lots of confetti,” Luz’s hands dig into her pockets on reflex. Right, the camp disposed of all of it during wash day. “and some sort of animal to release into the cafeteria, something abnormal…” Luz snaps her fingers, “we need platypuses. Lots and lots of platypuses!”

“We can’t get platypuses!” a camper from Cabin 4 exclaims, “they live in Australia.”

“Oh,” Luz rubs the back of her neck, “alright then, what can you get?”

“Not live animals,” they exclaim, “they’d be discovered immediately, not to mention the smell.”

“Come on, guys,” Luz whines, “aren’t we here to make a statement? Are you weirdos, or are you weirdos?”

“As fun as this all sounds,” the camper from Cabin 2 places a hand on her shoulder, nudging her back into the crowd, “why don’t we stick to what won’t get us thrown in actual prison? I still say we do the song.”

Murmurs of agreement ripple across, as the excitement of Luz’s speech dies down.

As they discuss the song choice between them, Luz shuffles sadly out of the cabin.

Luz sits on the bench in the garden, a few minutes go by until the expected creak next to her.

“What was all that about Batata?” Masha asks, putting a hand on her knee. Luz dares to look, but she only sees concern in their eyes. Concern she doesn’t deserve.

“Oh it’s…it’s nothing,” Luz says, looking away. She hears a resigned sigh from next to her, but the words out of Masha’s mouth don’t sound angry, or even annoyed.

“It’s okay if it still hurts, when she messages you,” they explain, “if you need to vent, we’re always here, you know that.”

“I know,” Luz sighs, “but it’s not that. It…I don’t know what it is, it doesn’t make sense.”

Masha touches her cheek, gently guiding Luz to look at her.

“Try me,” they say, grinning.

Luz breathes, collecting herself. “I…” she breathes again, “a part of me still…despite everything…I miss her…I miss my mom…my mother.”

Masha is silent, as they look away, frowning.

“I know what she is!” Luz explains quickly, “I know what you guys said, I know it makes sense! I know she doesn’t deserve me, but a part of me…it won’t go away…I want it to, but it won’t… I don’t know why, it just…”

“It’s okay,” Masha sighs, stopping Luz’s rambling.

Luz looks at her, stunned, “It. It is?”

Masha looks at her, nodding.

“Why aren’t you mad?” Luz asks, dread clenching her stomach.

“Batata,” Masha squeezes Luz’s hand, “I’m confused, sure, but then, this is who you are,” they bring Luz’s hand up, and kiss it, “why I fell in love with you.”

“I’m sorry Hermosa,” Luz said sadly.

“Of course a part of you still loves her, you’re a very loving person,” Masha explains, “as I said, that’s what I love about you. What the rest of Cabin 7 loves about you. We just…we don’t want your mother to take advantage of that. To make you think…that coming here was your fault.”

“I know,” Luz nods, “I’ve known for a month now. I wish this wasn’t so difficult!

“What if I can’t keep the façade up?” Luz asks, “what if I slip, reveal I’m still weird? What if she sends me away again?”

Masha looks away, “I hadn’t thought of that. We should talk to the others, make some sort of plan,” they nod, “so they can’t split us up.”

Luz nods, wiping some tears away.

“If it becomes hard, if a part of you is tempted,” Masha squeezes Luz’s hand in both of hers, “you can tell us that too, you can talk to us. We get it.”

“You…you do?” Luz asks.

“Society says we need to love our parents, we all grew up in those stupid values,” Masha says, “there’s still a part of me that feels that, and I’m guessing Bruno and Robby feel the same way, you can be honest with us Luz,” they squeeze her hand again, “remember?”

“Yeah, I remember,” Luz nods. Her brain knows, but her body, her nerves, something still stops her, makes her hesitate, and revert to saying ‘it’s nothing’.

Masha grins, “wanna go back, we might still have a say in the playlist?”

Luz shakes her head, wiping her eyes, “I’m sorry but, but can we stay here, a bit longer?”

Masha nods, placing her head into Luz’s shoulder, “I’d like that too.”

Luz smiles, and lets the tension leave her body, as she snuggles against her Hermosa. She’s lost a mother, but gained two amazing friends, and an even more amazing partner. Even her horrendous math skills can tell, she’s made a profit.

Later that night, Bruno and Robby return, informing them of the choice of music. They sit in a circle, and Luz tells them. She feels listened to, validated, even agreed with, it’s still such an alien feeling, like it shouldn’t belong to her.

Before lights out, Luz can’t help sweeping each one (except Robby) into a crushing hug, hoping to ooze all the love and gratitude that almost burst from her. What she did do to deserve such loving, supportive Amigas?

By Friday, the plan is in place. At dinner time, more than half the campers leap onto the tables and sing, as many, including Robby, book it outside, away from the noise. It had been decided, in the spirit of individuality, that every cabin, perhaps every camper, choose their own song. No one knows what anyone was singing, but it’s loud, disruptive, and weird. The looks of horror on the counsellors faces make it all worthwhile.

That it’s announced during weekend classes that they’d take turns in detention says enough. There aren’t enough rooms. In a small way, the campers have overpowered the camp, and its’ rules.

The last day of camp

Cabin 7s’ door flies open, and Luz steps out into the open area, a massive grin on her face.

“Yes yes yes yes yes yes,” she chants, stomping her feet, then letting out an excited squeal.

“Hey,” Carol calls, wagging her finger, “no loud noises, remember what we’ve taught you all summer.”

Luz gives her the stink-eye, then flips two birds at her.

They stare at each other, locked in place for ten whole seconds, before Luz steps back, then sideways, into a space between cabins, keeping her face and her hands the same.

Once out of sight, Luz releases her hands, and breathes, idly wondering if she’ll get in trouble for that. Camp is over, what can they do now? Tell her mom…her mother?

That could affect the act she’s supposed to be putting on. The normal daughter, the well-behaved daughter. She may have to come up with something.

Her phone buzzes, Luz fishes it out, her heart sinking. Only one person contacts her by phone.

Morning Mija. I’m so looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. I was thinking, instead of getting the bus back from camp, why don’t I come to pick you up? I can finally meet your friends, and we can make it a road trip. We could go to that old Spanish Restaurant we liked so much, and there’s this wonderful forest full of creatures on the way, we can look for some before they hibernate! What do you think?

Luz’s stomach clenches at that nickname, before an angry hot coal settles into it. She can’t be around her mother and risk letting her guard down, risk showing that her weirdness isn’t gone. If camp didn’t work, what would her mother try next? Her stomach turns at the possibilities.

Luz sighs, then slumps down to think. She’ll need to say something, or her mom…her mother will come to camp anyway. She allows the usual stream of thoughts to pass her, trying to pluck a good excuse from it.

Going back home from camp will still be tough, but she has her friends, she has Masha. She’ll endure her mother, and if things get too much, they’ll all be gone. Away from Gravesfield, away from her, away from everything that hurt her, and blamed her for it.

She’s done trying to please them. Any of them.

Chapter Text

Timeline: Part 1, alternate chapter 6

“Just when I think you can’t surprise me, here you are, proving me wrong.”

Luz sits silently, her expression cold, her arms crossed.

“Didn’t camp teach you anything?”

Silence.

Principal Hal sighs, rubbing between his eyes, “when are you going to drop this attitude? When are you going to stop these disruptive actions? When are you going to behave like a normal member of society…”

“Never!” Luz growls, jumping to her feet, both fists clenched. “I’ll never stop being me, I’ll never stop disrupting those boring classes, I’ll always freak out my stupid classmates, and I’ll always be sent here!” She crosses her arms again, letting her words sink in, “if you’re going to expel me, then get the papers out and stop wasting my time!”

“Mija,” Camila exclaims, Luz’s gaze shoots to her, and Camila actually flinches. The look she shoots her is…venomous…hateful. It doesn’t belong on her Mija’s face.

“I’ll never stop Mother,” she growls, “never!”

Principal Hal groans, “since nothing I say is getting through, you may as well go back to class. I will discuss what’s to be done,” he paused, “with your mother.”

Luz turns, and strides out the door without another word, flipping both of them the bird before the door closes.

A chill runs down Camila’s spine. What has camp turned her daughter into? What has she turned her daughter into?

Chapter Text

Timeline: Part 1, just before Chapter 15

“I’ll be right there,” Luz waved to her Amigas as she entered the changing room with her stuff.

Setting her basket of shells down, Luz knelt to unzip her bag. The otter costume that got her kicked out of her last school dance poofed out of the confined space.

Luz cast her mind back to that night, the uncomfortable looks on her classmates’ faces, the disgusted look Mrs Snapp gave her as she turned her away at the door, just like on Halloween.

Her Mama…her mother…. hadn’t scolded her. She hadn’t supported her either, just hugged her when she picked her up again. Just a public show of affection, to look good to the crowd.

You can’t keep doing this Mija a voice echoed in her head with that stupid accent as she slipped her regular clothes off. Wearing this over them was not a good idea this time of year.

I’ve tried to be patient, to be tolerant, to teach you how to fit in.

Luz zipped the front of her costume, it still fit well enough, she hoped Masha would find it as cute on her as when she’d showed it to them.

Do you want to keep getting in trouble?

Do you want to keep failing at school?

Luz flipped the hood over her head, completing her look. She bent down to pick up her bucket of shells.

Do you want to keep breaking my heart?

That stopped Luz, for a second.

“Yes,” she said coldly to no one, turning towards the changing room door, “I really do.”

Basket in hand, she unlocked the door and pushed it open, strolling into the spring air to join her Mejores amigas de por vida.“Oh my goddess,” Masha squealed, their face a fierce red.“Let’s hide some shells!” Luz cheered.

Chapter Text

Timeline: Part 1, after Chapter 14.

Pat wiped a glass clean as the patron in front of him chugged their beer. Doubtless he’d find them leaning against the wall in the alleyway tomorrow, among other patrons of Adult Karaoke Night.

A part of him felt responsible, but he had to remind himself that it was their choice to drink, to take it so far. All he could do was check IDs and confiscate keys of those who failed the breath test.

The singer petered out their drunken rendition of…some sort of song, so Pat put down his glass and made his way to the makeshift stage.

“Thank you, Jacob,” he said politely, as the patron handed him the mike with wobbly hands, “now, does anyone else fancy a go?”

A chair shuffled; a glass was slammed onto a table.

A woman walked, somewhat wobbly, but Pat had seen much worse, to the stage.

Her hair was curly, and she wore glasses, her face betrayed deep sadness, likely held back by the alcohol, and there was something familiar about her features that Pat couldn’t quite place. She leant in, and whispered something in Pat’s ear, her voice almost breaking on the last word. She drew back and went towards his laptop. Pat looked over at her table; he was certain that glass of alcohol had been full less than half an hour ago.

“According to our latest star,” Pat addressed the rest of the café, “this song is dedicated to her,” he turned to the woman, “Meeha. Am I saying that right?”

The woman nodded, holding her hand out.

A melancholy tune beat out from the speakers, as the woman slumped onto the chair, staring at the floor. She brought the mike to her mouth and sang.

<<There’s nothing left to fear, their work was never done.>>

Pat didn’t need to understand the words to feel the sadness behind them, and from the audiences reaction, they didn’t either.

<<She’s barely even here. Betrayed by her only Mom.>>

The woman clenched her free fist and raised it up.

<<But she stayed creative, yes, she stayed creative, and she’ll stay creative, to the end!>>

She lowered her fist, opening her eyes.

<<No flowers for my grave,>> she looked away, <<my smiling girl is lost.>>

She looked up, regret carved into her features.

<<The scoldings that I gave, added up to the final cost.>>

Pride crept into her voice, <<but she stayed creative, yes, she stayed creative,>> she pointed at the crowd, <<and she’ll stay creative, to the end!>>

She clenched her fist, and brought it to her chest, <<my light’s fading awaaaaaaay again! Will this darkness staaaaaaaay?>>

She stood up, looking at the floor again. <<Mama who normal choose,>> tears formed in her eyes, <<Disowned for one bad choice,>> she looked at the crowd, resignation on her face, <<but if you speak to Luz,>>

Pat’s gaze snapped to the woman.

<<Then you’ll hear the hurt in her voice.>>

She clenched her fist, <<but she stayed creative,>> her voice boomed with pride, <<yes she stays creative, and she’ll stay creative>> her gaze towards the crowd held a challenge, <<to the end!>>

The music ended, and the woman left the stage, oblivious to the claps from some of the crowd. She handed the mike to Pat, then sat, with a slump, at the makeshift bar.

“Otra…Lo Siento…Sorry, force of habit,” she said, a slight slur to her voice, once Pat stood next to her, “another round, please.”

Pat filled a fresh glass as he thought to himself. This was the woman Luz spoke about with her friends, always bitterly, but always with an uncertain, troubled look on her face.

Luz’s Mom swayed a bit, rubbing her head with a groan, as the effects of downing the rest of her glass caught up to her. Not the reaction of someone used to drinking.

Regardless, it was none of his business.

Luz’s Mom stared at him as he put her drink down, her eyes narrowed.

“You look familiar,” she said, and Pat froze.

“Ah, another Cosmic Explorer,” he headed her off quickly, “alright I must confess,” he leaned in, whispering, “I’m actually the actor Steward Patricks, I fled the increasingly insane world of Hollywood and the craziest part of Cosmic Frontier’s fanbase, to set up a cafe in an unassuming town, and live out the rest of my days in peace and quiet for once.”

They locked eyes for a second, as Luz’s Mom’s brain worked through the alcohol. Pat waited with bated breath, hoping his gamble had worked. Luz’s Mom burst out laughing, and he relaxed.

“That’s it!” the woman slammed her hand on the counter, still laughing “just on shore leave Captain, I will be sober in time for beam up” she gave him the Frontier salute, still giggling, “unless,” she narrowed her eyes again, her free hand made a gun shape, “if you’re a clone, don’t try anything. This is set to stun, but I can easily change that. Got it?”

Pat nodded, “absolutely, no clones here,” he pointed to the door, “there’s a Class IV phaser scan over there, no duplicated go in or out.”

“Good job Captain,” Luz’s Mom saluted again, swaying a bit, “what an amazing imagination, my daughter would love…” Luz’s mom stopped, and looked away, the sadness returned to her face as she took another large sip of her drink. “by the way…” she turned to him, clumsily taking her phone out, “do you know how this…Oober thing works? I maybe, probably, definitely shouldn’t be driving home.”

Pat nodded as she showed him her phone, always glad to meet a sensible drinker. The familiar face on the phone’s desktop confirmed his theory, but he said nothing. Once again, it was none of his business.

Chapter Text

Timeline: Part 2, after Chapter 5

Camila sat back on the couch, yawning as she stretched the ache of a day’s work out of her.

Luz entered the room, popcorn in hand as she sat next to her.

“All set,” Luz smiled awkwardly, placing the popcorn on the table.

Camila nodded, grabbing the remote.

Soon they both slipped into a familiar rhythm, well, almost familiar. Camila cried at the emotional parts, Luz slid some tissues towards her, but there was no background chatter, from her or Luz. Just an awkward silence, somehow as loud as the documentaries. Camila resisted the urge to sigh, Luz was sitting with her, spending time with her, she could be grateful for that.

As one episode ended, and the next one began to load, Camila braced herself, clicking the pause button. Now was as good a time as any.

“Mi…Luz,” Camila turned to her daughter, who was now looking curiously at her. “can we talk about something quickly?”

Luz tensed, but nodded, her hands drumming on her knees with nervous energy.

“I saw your report card.”

The light left Luz’s eyes before she turned away, Camila shuddered as a familiar face returned. One of cold anger.

“Sorry is all I can say,” Luz shrugged, “shouldn’t we get back to watching?”

“You did well,” Camila reassured, “remember?”

Luz looked back at her, surprised, “I did?”

“You didn’t look at it?” Camila asked. Now it made sense.

Luz shook her head, “I didn’t see the point. I only did the work to avoid being bored all day. I guess the meds helped enough,” she shrugged, grabbing the remote.

Camila gently placed a hand on it, “Luz, it was the most consistent grades you’ve ever gotten, you passed every class,” she smiled, “I’m proud of you.”

“Then why are we discussing it?” Luz groaned, “I passed, isn’t that enough?”

“I’ve just been thinking,” Camila replied carefully, “if…”

Luz let out a frustrated groan, standing up.

“If it’s not good enough, then I’m sorry,” Luz sighed, “that’s all the effort that school’s getting.”

“Luz,” Camila pleaded, grabbing her wrist, “I’m not disappointed, this isn’t a telling-off. Let’s just talk about it.”

Luz looked at her Mom, the annoyance left her face, and she sighed “you want to make things up to me, right?”

“Of course,” Camila nodded.

“Then drop this please,” Luz said, gently removing her wrist from Camila’s grasp, “I just remembered, I have a project I’ve been working on. Let’s finish this another evening.”

Camila opened her mouth, then closed it, nodding.

“Goodnight Mama, love you” Luz sent her a smile, then turned toward the stairs.

“I love you too Luz,” Camila sighed, before she disappeared up the stairs.

Camila deflated, she had hoped that was a good time.

Good going the voice in her head said bitterly.

Camila sighed, turning the TV off, and leaning back to think. If she wanted to get through to Luz, she’d need to approach this from a different angle.

Camila walked into the living room, popcorn in hand. Luz sent her an awkward smile from her seat on the couch. Hurt stabbed Camila’s heart at the expression; her smile was more genuine in front of Robby, Bruno, and especially Masha.

“Ready to rock and roll Mi…Luz?” Camila asked lightly, as she set the popcorn down on the table.

“Yeah,” Luz nodded, her smile still awkward.

Baby steps Camila reminded herself.

Camila picked up the remote, pressing buttons until she found her favourite nature documentaries, saved for this very night.

“It should be about that time, for a new season,” Luz remarked as a certain show was highlighted.

“Si,” Camila nodded, remembering herself. Watching the latest season of this had been a tradition of theirs every summer since…since Manny passed.

She clicked the remote. The first episode of the new season had been recorded…but why were there two seasons listed that she didn’t recognize?

Luz sniffed from next to her, as realization crashed into Camila. She looked over at Luz, a line of tears ran down each of her cheeks, sensing her Mama looking at her, Luz turned.

“Sorry,” Luz wiped her cheeks, plastering a larger smile on her face, “stupid hay fever. Should we start with the season we missed?”

In the space of a few seconds, Camila’s mind raced.

Her first instinct was to grab Luz in a crushing hug, to say how sorry she was, to let her own tears fall, but she stopped herself in time.

Keeping her parental sixth sense open to the sadness radiating off her daughter (Camila would never make that mistake again) she forced her body to stop while her brain worked.

Luz was trying to brush her hurt aside, trying to look happy, trying not to ‘ruin the evening’, all for Camila’s sake. As much as the thought crushed Camila, she knew getting upset herself would just make her daughter try harder, to mask her sadness more, to act like she forgave Camila at the expense of her own feelings.

How could Camila give comfort, without encouraging Luz to withdraw more?

“Luz,” Camila said as casually as she could, “I fancy a hug. Would you mind?”

Silently, Luz shuffled over, resting her head on Camila’s shoulder. Camila wrapped an arm around Luz’s shoulder, gently squeezing them together. Luz’s body tensed at her touch, but she didn’t push away.

As Luz sniffed, Camila resisted the urge to gently shhh her, or say it was okay. It clearly wasn’t, and Camila wanted Luz’s feelings to be heard, to be validated.

I’m the parent Camila reminded herself. If Luz could bear some discomfort, she could bear her heart hurting. Luz could take as long as she needed, Camila would be here.

Chapter Text

Timeline: Part 3, during Chapter 7

Eimy caught the sight of Luz walking down the stairs, face down in worry. It was time (she shuddered) to be the adult.

“Hey cutie,” she waved. Luz’s head shot up, and a smile plastered itself on her face in an instant. Eimy’s heart sank, she must have practised that a lot.

Eimy patted a free spot on the sofa, “room for one more.”

Luz nodded as she reached the bottom of the stairs.

She shared a twin-look with Emil before Luz sat down, sending a wordless conversation between them. Emil nodded, even he could take a hint when his sister had a plan.

Luz sat down next to Eimy, that smile still on her face.

“Worried about Masha?” Eimy offered gently.

“What? No!” Luz insisted, her smile growing wider, “Mama’s with her, she knows what to do, she’ll be there,” a small wince came with those words, Eimy didn’t miss it.

Eimy put a supporting arm around Luz’s shoulder, wordlessly asking permission. Luz, being Luz, leaned gladly into the hug. As she stroked Luz’s arm, Eimy recalled the last few days. Since last night, some things made a lot more sense, the radio, Luz’s sadness, the time just the two of them spent outside. Clearly Camila wasn’t the only one feeling the effects of her mistake.

It didn’t take a genius to see Camila would endure it all for Luz, but Luz wouldn’t want her to. Two more safe people would only be a plus.

“So,” Eimy said when Luz pulled away, sitting cross-legged on the sofa “last night Mama told us about summer camp.”

Luz’s face snapped over to her, eyes wide, “Oh, that, right.” Luz smiled as she looked down at her lap, burying her hands between her legs, “we don’t really talk about it much because, it happened almost a year ago, and it’s totally not a big deal anymore.”

“Doesn’t look like it,” Emil blurted out gently. Eimy shot him an annoyed look.

“Oh, it…it wasn’t that bad, really,” Luz insisted, “I expected a prison, somewhere that would brainwash me into being normal,” Luz pointed a thumb towards herself, “it didn’t, I’m still me. I’ll always be me.”

“What was it like, if you don’t mind me asking, of course,” Eimy asked gently.

“Boring mostly,” Luz nodded, “we spent most of our days studying; tax forms, chequebooks, application forms, mortgages, and of course, homework in the evenings, it was like school really,” Luz fiddled with a strand of her hair, “of course, I was never very good at school, so, not very good at that either,” she laughed, it sounded forced.

“Were you diagnosed before you went?” Emil asked.

Luz shook her head, “I tried to focus, but, you know, ma brain wouldn’t let me,” she laughed again. “Funny, the whole time, I thought I was just a dummy.”

“How could you focus?” Emil asked, “with the summer sun taunting you?”

“That wasn’t a problem, the classroom had blinds over the windows, so the outside couldn’t distract us.”

Both twins went silent. Nothing illegal of abusive about that, but their stomachs still clenched in sympathy.

“Didn’t you have any chance to get out? Into the sunshine?” Eimy asked.

“There was a garden,” Luz nodded, “a safe, boring garden, but nowhere else, really, can’t have campers getting hurt. Homework took me longer than usual, and I had to take the make-up classes on the weekends so, you know, not much chance to.”

“For the entire summer?” Emil asked.

Luz nodded.

“That sounds like miserable way to spend it,” Emil replied bluntly. Eimy nodded.

“Oh, like I said, it wasn’t so bad,” Luz said, her smile forcefully widening, “they didn’t hurt, abuse, or brainwash us. I did miss a lot; my fanfics, my art projects, my Azura book, my cat hoodie. They kept those in storage until camp was over, to keep us focused, you know.”

“None at all?” Eimy asked, “not even outside class?”

“Eh, like I said, we had homework,” Luz smiled again, “plenty to keep us busy.”

“Sounds like torture to me,” Emil said.

“Nah,” Luz shook her head, “the worst they did was put us in detention for the weekend, if we fidgeted in class, or didn’t hand homework in.”

“What was detention?” Eimy asked.

“Just a different bedroom, with everything we needed, just with no windows so we couldn’t disrupt the other campers.”

Luz caught Emil’s face, “it was ventilated, air conditioned, not uncomfortable really.”

“Solitary confinement,” Emil stated bluntly, “for stimming, fidgeting, stuff us neurodivergent lot do all the time.”

Luz nodded, “My friend Robby, he’s autistic, spent a few weekends in detention until he learned to stop, it took him weeks to be okay with doing it again. That felt kinda bad. But hey,” she fiddled with her hair again, “we all came out unchanged, still weird, and with friends,” she shot an uncomfortably wide smile at Eimy, “and Mama apologised, so there’s no need to feel hurt about it, no need at all.”

“Are you?” Eimy asked gently.

“Like I said, no reason to be,” Luz waved a dismissive hand.

“I heard that bit,” Eimy replied, “are you?”

Luz stared at her lap again, patting her knees with her hands, Emil noticed and copied her on instinct.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” her voice broke, “why am I still hurt? Why am I still angry?” her voice rose to a growl, “I should be over…” she winced, “I should be over this by now.”

The words sounded dull, practised, like she was repeating something she’d heard before, perhaps several times. Eimy put that away for now.

“Cutie, it’s okay to…”

“I know it’s okay to be sad, to be hurt, to be angry even!” Luz snapped, before catching herself, “sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Eimy nodded.

“But why?” Luz put a hand on her forehead, “Why, when there’s no reason to be!?”

Eimy considered her words for a second.

“Because it was still a miserable way to spend your break from school,” Emil beat her to it, “school was a trial for me too, we get so few breaks from it, if I didn’t have the summer to recharge…” Emil looked away, frowning.

“If my Mama sent me away, I’d be hurt too,” Eimy said, not one to be beaten. Even the twins got disciplined from time to time, in ways white people would call abuse. But being sent away, that would feel like a rejection, a statement that she’d given up on them until they were better.

She and Emil had gone to summer camp before sure, because they asked to, not to ‘fix’ them.

“Just because they didn’t succeed in turning you ‘normal’, it doesn’t mean they didn’t try,” Emil growled, the most serious Eimy had seen him in months.

“And we’re very glad they failed,” Eimy ruffled Luz’s hair, “the world would be a darker place without you in it, ask anyone who knows you.”

Luz’s smile was genuine this time, “Gracias Tia.”

“I’d be hurt, and angry,” Emil nodded, “I can see why you’d be too.”

“But Mama apologized,” Luz said, “she’s doing better, so much better, and I did that to her,” Eimy remembered last night. “I shouldn’t have done that to her.”

“You didn’t,” Emil said instantly, “it was…” Eimy shot him a look, and he caught himself. Obligation to parents and family aside, it wasn’t their place to tell it. Camila wouldn’t want them to sour what Luz had with Mama.

Luz laughed sadly, “you sound like Hermosa.” She stopped to think, “what if a part of me will always be hurt?” she looked down, “what if a part of me will always be angry?”

Eimy shrugged, “then be angry, you’re not hurting anyone, right?”

Luz shook her head.

“Hey,” she squeezed Luz’s shoulder, “I don’t think Hermayor will mind, being there for you.”

“Don’t want her to feel bad…” Luz mumbled.

“She’ll feel worse if you’re hiding it,” Emil said, “and it explodes down the line.”

Eimy nodded, that was…surprisingly insightful for Emil.

“Well,” Eimy added, “you can always call us, if you like.”

Luz looked up, “R-really?”

“Well duh,” Eimy nodded, “I can’t promise I’ll always be available, people dying and all, so inconsiderate” Eimy rubbed the back of her neck, “but message me, I’ll call back as soon as I can.”

“Likewise,” Emil nodded, “unlike some, I know what ADHD feels like, so you’ve got an ADHD bu-D in me.”

Eimy stuck her tongue out at him.

After a few seconds, Luz spoke up again. “What was Abuela like?” she looked directly at Eimy, “as a Mama?”

Eimy looked aside, thinking quickly.

“Well, for us,” she gestured to Emil, “she was always big on manners, and proper respect to our elders.”

“As much as we could manage,” Emil smirked.

Eimy nodded, “but for us, well, she was always supportive, always affectionate,” Eimy rubbed the back of her head, suddenly feeling bad, “she helped to fund my studies, helped us get this house so we’d stay close, always called to see how we were.”

But not for Camila. Eimy kicked herself for never realizing.

“I screwed up in school, all the time,” Emil nodded, “Mama was disappointed, but she knew I was trying my best, and did her best to help me. When I finally got diagnosed, she was so relieved, she knew there was something different.”

Luz nodded, frowning, “what about Abuelo?”

“Working most of the time,” Eimy nodded, “double, even triple shifts, to feed the family, all the way over in the city too.”

“We didn’t see much of him,” Emil nodded, “except during family vacations, he sorta went along with what Mama said, she’s basically head of the household, you know.”

Luz nodded.

“Why do you ask?” Eimy replied.

Luz looked away, and Eimy recognized the gears turning.

“Just curious,” Luz replied casually, “it’s been weird, seeing the family again, I’m just glad everyone’s okay, since…”

“We thought it was funny,” Emil smiled, “gross, but funny.”

Eimy nodded, feeling bad for edging away from Luz at the table. Did Luz remember that? “Please don’t dwell on it cutie, we all overreacted,” she placed a hand on Luz’s shoulder, “there’s nothing to forgive, honestly.”

Luz nodded again.

Desperate to change the subject, Eimy said, “wanna snuggle up and watch some trash TV? Turn our brains off?”

Luz nodded, her smile genuine, “I’d like that. Gracias Tia, Tio.”

Chapter Text

“So, one marker should be here,” Eimy points to a spot on the map, checking her own, “and another should be over here,” she points to another spot, “and a third should be here.”

“That’s a lot of walking,” Emil groans, checking his own map.

Camila nods. Can they cover this so late in the day?

“Why don’t we split up?” Luz asks, folding her own map, “there’s five of us, right? And four markers? We meet back here and bring all the clues together.”

“Not a bad idea,” Eimy replies, “everyone okay with that?”

Everyone else nods. “Who goes in a two?” Camila asks.

I suggest us,” Masha wraps their arm around Luz’s waist, who grins, “the two of us are unstoppable.”

“So are we,” Emil points to his sister, who rolls her eyes, “we’d find the clue in half the time.”

“We’d find it in a third,” Masha retorts.

“A quarter.”

“A fifth.”

“Whatever’s faster than a fifth!”

“Why don’t we just flip a coin?” Camila suggests, digging one out. Eimy sighs in relief.

“Yeah, good idea,” Luz nods, as Emil and Masha keep glaring at each other.

“Okay Hermana,” Camila prepares the coin, “call it.”

“Tails,” Eimy calls as the coin spins in the air.

“Why do you always pick tails?” Emil asks.

Eimy grins, “because everyone else always picks heads.”

Camila catches the coin, then lifts her hand, “sorry Mija.”

“No matter,” Luz kisses Masha on the cheek, “we’ll be together again soon, Hermosa.”

“I miss you already,” Masha grins, returning the kiss.

“Pardon me, fellow humans.”

The whitest woman Camila has ever seen stands in front of them. She’s wearing a white robe with a gold collar, and holds a white staff with a raven at the top. Her black hair falls to cover her ears.

“I wonder, have any of you seen a mass of black sludge moving through the forest?” she asks, “likely to take the form of your worst fears?”

“I’m afraid not,” Eimy replies, as Emil shifts in front of Luz and Masha, “if we do, we’ll let you know, okay?”

“If you do, you must run,” the woman insists, “it’s…” she mutters under her breath to herself, Camila can’t make any words out, “a very dangerous…tax, we don’t want to be near any taxes do we?”

“Absolutely not,” Camila nods, gently nudging Luz and Masha away from them.

“Although,” Eimy points behind her, “they might know something at the First Aid station, just over there.”

“Many thanks,” the woman nods, striding off in that direction, “Steve, we’re leaving!”

Someone dressed in a grey tunic, their face hidden by a beaked mask, stands up from looking at a motorcycle, and salutes, before following.

“Poor woman,” Camila sighs, as they approach where the path splits.

“Head stroke, most likely,” Eimy suggests.

“It feels nice for this time of year,” Luz replies, confused.

“Well, she’s clearly albino,” Emil says, “or Alaskan perhaps, she’s probably not as used to the heat.”

“They’ll help her at First Aid,” Eimy reassures, “probably just needs some water, and suncream.”

Everyone gathers at the hut, each grabbing a map. Then they separate, and the clue hunt begins.

Camila leans down (her knees complain a little) and pulls the foliage away. It matches the picture on the map, and there seems to be less of this particular plant around.

A stone sits within, words written on it in rhyme.

“Bingo,” Camila smiles, turning her map over, and writing it down. Something cold touches the back of her head, but when she rubs the back of it, there’s nothing there. Probably a drop of dew or something similar from the tree above.

“Hello, Mother,” says a cold voice.

Puzzled, Camila stands up, and turns towards the voice. Luz stands in a nearby clearing, her back to Camila.

“Mija?” Camila says curiously. Luz flinches, “I told you not to call me that.”

A chill runs down Camila’s spine, as old memories, and old worries bubble to the surface.

“Luz,” she approaches her, laying a hand on her shoulder, Luz shrugs it off, “are you okay?”

Luz turns to her, and Camila recoils. Her face is cold, angry.

“I was,” she states, her voice matching, “until you showed up?”

Camila’s breathing increases, “Luz…why…?”

Luz’s eyes narrow, “why do you think?”

Guilt lances through Camila’s chest, “but…” she stammers, “but I thought…”

“That I’d accepted your apology?” Luz asks dryly, turning fully toward her, “that we could try again? That I could ever forgive you for what you did?”

Tears prick Camila’s eyes, a fish clenches her stomach. No…please no…

“You sent me away,” Luz states coldly, walking towards Camila, “you said my fantasy world was holding me back, you made me feel like no one loved who I was. You think I can forgive that?”

“But…but we’re making progress,” Camila says desperately, “we spend time together, you were….you were okay being called Mija again.”

Luz laughs, low, and cold, then she throws her head back, and laughs louder, “and you believed that? Fifteen years, and you can’t even tell when your own daughter’s pretending? What sort of a mother are you?”

Camila dropped to her knees, her mind frozen. It was true, she told herself it wasn’t, but it was true.

“I kept my pain inside, pretended to forgive you,” Luz glared down at her, “for the sake of a mother who doesn’t deserve it.”

The words cut through Camila, her heart breaks.

“But, I’ve been talking with Hermosa, and Abuela,” Luz continues, “they agree, I shouldn’t suffer for the likes of you,” she turns away, “Abuela has offered to take us in, to let us live with them. We’ll never have to deal with you again.”

Footsteps echo in front og Camila, she snape her head up.

“Okay,” she nods, it’s what she deserves, what Luz and Masha deserve, “can I still visit?”

Silence.

“Can I still call you, now and again?” Camila asks desperately.

Silence.

“Mija please,” Camila dives forward, catching Luz’s wrist, “I’ll try harder, I’ll do better, I’ll do whatever you need. Please don’t leave me.”

Luz’s wrist somehow comes free from her grip, and she glides further away.

“PLEASE LUZ!” Camila begs running forward, but her hand misses Luz’s wrist again. Camila stumbles onto her knees. “MIJA!!!!!” she cries.

Luz doesn’t respond. Luz doesn’t even look at her.

Tears staining her face, Camila clamps them shut, and shrieks in utter, crushing sadness.

A whooshing sound from the left. A creature screams.

Camila looks up. Luz’s eyes glow a pale blue as she…glides? Into the forest.

From the other side, the woman from earlier bursts out from the shrubbery, her white stick raised in front of her.

Her eyes dart around, before falling on Camila.

“Which way did it go?” the woman asks sharply.

Camila barely registers the question. Luz still hates her…always hated her…why were her eyes glowing.

“Hey, hey!” The woman kneels down, to lock eyes with Camila, “focus on me.”

Camila takes some steadying breaths.

“Which way did…whoever that was go?”

Whoever that was…Luz’s eyes didn’t glow. She couldn’t glide…

Camila summoned enough control of her body to point in the right direction.

“MIJA!!!”

Luz tears her eyes away from the map at the voice.

“Mama?” Luz calls back, her body turns and sprints towards the sound. Her heart almost bursts out of her chest at the tone, the volume.

More than once she trips over roots, slams into trees, and scratches against hanging branches, but she doesn’t slow down, even as something wet slaps her forehead for a second. She must get to…

“Mom?” Luz skids to a stop in a clearing. Said person stands facing her. The smile on her face immediately puts Luz on edge, it’s the one her Mama wears when she’s trying to be understanding, trying not to be upset. Guilt clenches Luz’s heart.

“Hey Mija,” her Mama steps forward, she’s holding some paper in her hands, “it’s okay, I know you tried.”

“Tried?” Luz glances at the papers, her heart starts up again. She recognizes the type of paper, and the only thing it’s used for, because it summons such horrible feelings.

The papers fall to the ground.

SAT Results: Luz Noceda.

She’s failed everything.

The world stops moving, everything phases out of her mind, except the paper.

“No,” Luz falls to her knees, “I…I…” she looks up at her Mama., feeling tears prick her eyes That kind, understanding face somehow makes it worse. Makes her feel worse.

“Mama, I’m…I tried,” she pleads, trying to shoot her sincerity out of her eyes, and into her Mama’s.

“I know Mija,” her Mama says gently, “I know you tried as much as you wanted to.” She lays a warm, comforting hand on her shoulder, “I still love you, however much you fail.”

She shouldn’t a voice in Luz’s head chides her, she shouldn’t have to deal with someone like you.

“However, little you try,” her Mama continues, still in that heart wrenchingly loving voice, as tears form in her eyes “however much you screw up, you’ll never be a disappointment.”

Luz clamps her eyes shut. Her guilt growing heavier in her stomach. She should have tried harder, she should have focused more.

“You’ll never be,” her Mama pauses for a second, “a burden.”

That final word knocks all the wind out of her, she lets the tears fall, lets the light leave her.

She doesn’t deserve to be happy. She doesn’t deserve to be loved.

A shriek above her. Something slivers away.

“Hey, little human dudette,” a hand touches her shoulder, gently shaking her, “you okay?”

Luz opens her eyes, wiping them, a face smiles at her.

“Hey,” he says gently, “whatever it was, it’s gone, alright? And, personally, it’s never as bad as we think it’ll be. Plus,” his grin widens, “you just saw the wort you can think of, and you’re still here.”

Luz just nods, trying to make her body move, trying to shake off the dread hanging over her.

“Name’s Steve,” he extends his hand, Luz accepts it.

“I’m Luz,” she wipes her eyes once more, “and…thank you, whatever you did.”

“Just doin’ my job,” he smiles, putting his silver beaked mask on again. He reaches into his robes, and draws out a stuffed raven, with holes in its chest that remind Luz of an old phone’s holes.

“Hey Lilith, I found it. It’s heading,” he draws a compass out of his robe too, “South…? No, sorry, North,” he chuckles, “had the silly human thing upside down.”

Luz can’t make out the words on the other end of the…bird phone? But the voice sounds more amused than angry.

“Yeah,” he nods, “yeah, on my way, we’ll get it in the ol’ pincer manoeuvre,” the tone grows more urgent, Steve nods, “yeah, yeah, hurrying now Miss Lilith,” he stashes the bird phone into his robes, then sets off.

“Later Luz,” he waves. Luz waves back, managing a smile.

“MIJA!!!”

Masha stops, and turns towards the voice. That was Camila, and the only other person she calls that is…

Either way, it doesn’t sound good.

Masha sprints down the path, towards the noise. After the path curves away, from the source again, they let out a frustrated groan, and push their way through the trees, and the foliage.

Blackness slams into them, and memories flash through their mind, goosebumps breaking out all over them as their breathing quickens. Being sent to camp…bringing home a bad grade…spilling some tea…their parents finding their pin…seeing a police car pass Camila’s house…

“Masha,” a soft voice says from behind them.

They turn, recognizing the accent.

Camila looks at her, that usual kind smile on a blooded and bruised face. She’s clad in prison clothing, a ball and chain attached to her leg.

“Camila,” Masha breathes, “what happened?” it’s a stupid question. They know what happened.

Camila knows too, because she just shakes her head.

“Masha, I’m so sorry,” Camila says sadly, “we’re both sorry that we can’t protect you, that we can’t take care of you anymore.

We? No…please no…

“Where’s Luz?” Masha asks, “where did they take her?”

Camila just stares back, guilt on her face. She knows that Masha knows.

“Where did they take her Camila?” Masha repeats, louder this time.

“Mija, you have to go,” Camila pleads, “before they find you.”

“Where are you being kept,” Masha repeats once again, their voice desperate. “Tell me, please tell me.”

“We’re not important,” Camila smiles, “leave us, leave us and live. Live for you.”

“No!” Masha shouts, sprinting towards Camila. Maybe they can break the chains…help her run…find Luz.

Camila somehow drifts further away, the smile on her face.

“Goodbye Mija,” she says, “thank you, for being in our lives.”

Masha sprints faster, but they can’t catch Camila…can’t reach her…can’t make up for their terrible mistake…

Two figures burst out of the shrubbery.

“Woah, what’s going on here?”

“Back away from that poor, primitive human, now!”

Camila’s head snaps towards the twins, they recoil at something.

It’s the woman from earlier, and her companion, they point their sticks at the monster.

The woman jerks with her head, and the man circles Camila. Glowing, pale blue eyes follow him as the woman charges forward.

“Over here!” she screams, staff held over her head.

A black tentacle launches out of Camila (okay, definitely not Camila)’s body. It latches onto the woman’s head, and she goes limp in the air, her eyes glowing the same pale blue. As the tentacle guides the woman to the ground, Camila’s form melts into a puddle of black goo, before reforming into a four-legged creature with wings, it’s head a cross between an owl and an old woman, its eyes completely black.

The woman stands her ground, but Masha can see the subtle shaking, the way her eyes widen.

A circle appears beneath the creature, a light envelops it as it screams, chunks of black goo blast off of it, until only a small blob remains.

The woman draws a circle with her finger, somehow leaving behind an actual trail of light, and a glass jar fizzles into existence around what remains of the creature, trapping it.

“Well done, Miss Lilith,” the robed man gives her a thumbs up, before scooping up the jar.

“Codenames, Mr Guard,” Lilith replies, pointing at a prone Masha.

“Right, sorry, sorry,” he waves his hands in front of him “I mean, Miss Leader.”

“Better,” she nods, before turning to Masha, who can see the wheels turning in the woman’s head.

“This is, um,” she points to the jar, “an invasive species. Highly toxic taxes to…everything. Don’t want it getting out, bad for business, and all that,” she waves a hand, “so we’ll let go you…um…straying from the path, if you keep that quiet. Deal?”

Masha just nods, their mind still trying to process. It hadn’t been real, but it still hurt, their heart still threatened to punch its way out of their ribcage.

“Well, you’d best be getting back,” the woman waves a dismissive hand, “come Mr Guard, let’s show our success to Emperor Belos.”

“Don’t you mean The Big Cheese, Miss Leader?”

“Yes, yes naturally, I meant that” she nods quicker than is needed, then her eyes fall on Masha again, “well, off you go, quickly now!”

Her tone reminds Masha of their old riding instructor, trying way too hard to look serious and commanding. But they don’t have the energy to question it right now, so they turn and walk away.

As soon as they reach the path again, their phone buzzes. They allow themselves a groan as they take it out, hoping it’s not Mr Stuckler again.

Relief floods them. It’s Luz, and Camila?

Both faces pop onto their screen, both look tired, with tear marks staining their faces.

“Woah, Hermosa,” Luz’s eyes widen when she looks at them, “what happened to you,” she looks at Camila, and her eyes widen further, “what happened to you?”

“I could ask you the same,” Masha replies. Does their face look that bad too?”

“Why don’t we head back to station?” Camila sighs, “I…I don’t feel like gathering clues right now. Sorry Mijas.”

“Same,” Luz sighs.

Masha just nods, “meet you back there.”

Masha emerges into the station to see Camila and Luz wrapped around each other, threatening to crush each other as new tears flow.

Relief floods them as they dive forward, squeezing both of them into a hug. They’ll never let these two go, never let anyone harm them.

Camila finally gathers herself, and messages the twins, who come out later to three very tired people, dozing in the car, holding each other’s hands.

“So, what happened?” Emil looks behind his seat as Eimy turns onto the highway, back towards home. Camila sits in the middle, both arms tightly around her daughters, who hug her back.

A look passed between the three.

“I don’t know, exactly,” Luz says, looking away, squeezing Camila tighter.

“Nor me,” Camila admits, squeezing back.

“Something Lovecraftian,” Masha suggests, “that’s the best I can do. Trust me, you wouldn’t believe the details.”

Luz and Camil nod. Something passes between the three, and they squeeze each other tighter.

Emil opens his mouth, but Eimy shoots him a look. Whatever it was, they’re clearly too shaken to talk about it.

No one pushes as they park at their home, head inside, and laze on the sofa while Eimy orders pizza, then handles the obligatory extra phone call to confirm that yes, one of them doesn’t want cheese on theirs.

Luz looks down guiltily, but Eimy pats her head in reassurance.

As Camila settles down, the expected knock comes at her door.

“Come in Mijas,” she says, the door opens and they both shuffle in, looking embarrassed.

“How did you know it was us?” Masha asks.

“A mother can sense these things,” she smiles, shuffling to the centre of the bed, and lifting the covers up.

It’s a tight squeeze with the three of them, but that’s what everyone wants tonight.

“Mija,” Camila turns to Luz, “thank you. I can never say this enough.”

Luz looks at her, confused, then smiles, “I should be thanking you Mama, for everything you’ve done for me.”

“And me,” Masha nods.

Camila squeezes them both, “I’d do it all again, as many times as you need me to,” she raises her hand in the oath position, “through supernovas, and solar winds.”

“Same,” Luz replied, holding her own hand up, Masha just nods, and joins them.

Their hands fall, and sleep takes them quickly, the warmth of each other soothes the lingering feelings from their dreams.

Chapter Text

Timeline: early into Part 2

Mija, your fantasy world is holding you back.

You have to stay until the end Mija, my answer won’t change.

Luz’s eyes snap open, along with her senses, immediately into an awakened state. For as long as she can remember this is how she wakes up; from sleep to awake like someone flicking a light switch.

If only she could control when it happened, she’d be unstoppable.

She doesn’t immediately reach for her phone to check the time, instead laying there, as the echoes of her Mama’s words, of bad memories leave feelings behind. Feelings of hurt, or anger, of resentment, and of sadness sit within her like a fetid puddle.

After a few seconds of soaking, Luz angrily pushes her covers off and gets up. The feelings slosh around in her as she brushes her teeth and showers, angry words at her Mama flick through her head.

“Morning Mi-Luz,” her Mama smiles as Luz steps out of the bathroom.

At the sight of her, at the sound of her accent, the feelings flare up like a rash. It must have shown on her face because her Mama’s falls.

“Luz, what’s wrong?”

Cursing herself, Luz looks away, breathing, trying to push the feelings aside. She turns back, plastering on her best smile.

“Nothing Mama, just got up on the wrong side of the bed,” she manages a chuckle, “I am a teen after all, right?”

“Okay,” her Mama nods, not looking convinced. Luz politely but quickly passes her.

Why does she feel so angry today? She has no need to be. She needs to get out of the house as soon as possible, avoid her Mama before she snaps at her.

She eats breakfast silently, looking at her Mama as little as possible, and frantically texting her friends.

“So Luz,” her Mama says from across the table, “what’s going on today? Any fun things planned?”

Luz shrugs, giving her time to school her voice into a calm state, “We’ll probably just hang out, do stuff, you know. Mind if I get my chores done tomorrow? It’s a nice day to be out.”

“Si, it is,” Mama agrees, “that won’t be a problem.”

“Gracias Mama,” it’s easier to insert the gratitude into her voice. She’s letting you leave the chores, there’s no reason to be angry. Hopefully these feelings will wear off by the end of the day.

Luz washes her breakfast things up, then walks quickly to the front door.

“Luz.”

Luz stops, willing herself not to snap as the feelings flare up within her again. Every time she hears her Mama talk today…

“Have I done something to upset you?”

Luz takes a breath, plastering on a smile before she turns back to her, “you haven’t Mama, honest.” She is being honest…sort of. All that’s in the past, her Mama’s apologized, she’s trying to be more supportive, but the feelings won’t go away today. “I’m just keen to see my friends today, that’s all.”

“Okay,” her Mama nods, not looking convinced, “well, would you like me to drive you?”

“No!” the word comes out harsher than she means to, she turns back, “I mean no, that’s alright. It’s a nice day to walk, shame to waste it.”

“Oh, okay,” her Mama sounds crestfallen, “have a good day Luz.”

Luz quickens her pace, getting out the door, away from her Mama, just for today.

Thankfully, her friends always have an ear to lend.

“I don’t get it,” Luz groans, leaning back in her chair, “it just…it just happened this morning.”

“Weird,” Masha nods, “has she done anything, said anything, that might have triggered it last night?”

Luz shakes her head, “we watched nature documentaries again, nothing about camp came up.”

“Any subtle hints?” Bruno leans forward, “in her actions, her wording, anything that implies what she expects of you? Clearly not,” Bruno shakes his head at Luz’s confused expression, “sorry, I thought all parents from our cultures did that.”

“Maybe you’re still mad,” Robby suggests, re-arranging his Gathering Sorcery cards, “Summer Camp did suck.”

“Well, I’ve no reason to be,” Luz groans, “you remember when she came in here, right? She said she’s sorry.”

Robby nods, “I’m not saying it makes sense, but people never make sense to me.”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Luz grins, “looks like I’ll just have to have a Mama-free day, mind helping?”

“Not at all?” Masha grins, “you got your deck with you?”

Luz’s eyes widen. Why hadn’t she thought of that?

“You can try mine, if you like,” Bruno pushes his own towards her, “can’t promise it’s any good though.”

“Gracias Amigo,” Luz grins, “I’m sure I can work my magic.”

“Luz!” at the sound of the accent, the feelings flare up again. Luz smooths the frown out of her face before turning to her Mama, not able to create a smile in time.

“Mama,” she says neutrally, “what brings you here?”

“Check this out,” Mama holds up a flyer, the biggest smile on her face, “there’s a fantasy convention happening two towns over, including an Azura stand. Since you’re free today, why don’t we go?”

“Oh, I’d hate to be a bother,” Luz replies, “we don’t need to drive that far.”

“But it’s Azura Mi-Luz,” Camila insists, “why would you want to miss out on anything like that?”

“There’ll be others, we don’t need to…”

“Luz, please,” her Mama pleads, “whatever it is, let me make it up to you.”

“It’s nothing!” Luz insists.

Her Mama just stares, her eyes begging. Luz groans, refusing will only make her more suspicious.

“Okay Mom,” she nods, “just give us an hour,” she quickly points to Robby’s deck, “I promised Robby a game or three, I can’t make him uncomfortable by changing the plan.”

“No problem,” Mama smiles at Robby, who looks confused, but nods, “I’ll get supplies for the road!” she beams, “see you soon Luz, it’s gonna be great!”

Mama almost skips out of the café, once the door closes Luz slouches in her chair, groans, and runs both hands over her face.

“Hermosa,” she turns to a concerned Masha, “can you tell me again about that counting technique?”

“Absolutely,” Masha nods.

Mama is waiting outside the café, just as promised.

During the drive, Luz remembers to look at her Mama, smile, and reply as she rambles on happily about all the stuff at the convention. Costumes, talks, merchandise, all the stuff Luz loves. Luz buries her head in her phone, looking over the convention’s website, She counts to four and back again in her head, to push away the flare-ups.

She finds it easier to smile when they reach the convention. They buy snacks, and Luz buries herself in her interests, in her passions, and makes sure to smile hard when facing her Mama, but however much enthusiasm she injects into her voice, however wide she makes her smile, her Mama still looks troubled. This doesn’t help the feelings that still slosh around her, that still flare-up out of her control when her Mama talks.

Finally, they reach the Azura stand, and Luz lets her attention be consumed. They have a wide range of products, both licensed and unlicensed. Wands, staffs, pins, outfits…

The limited edition foil versions of the first three books!...yikes! with a price to match.

“Aren’t those like, the super rare collector’s editions you told me about once?” Her Mama asks from next to her. Luz manages to nod.

She senses her Mama flinching at the price “I’d like those please.”

That snaps Luz out of her trance.

“Mama, no!” she puts a hand on her Mama’s, which holds her wallet, “it’s too much!”

Mama smiles, “I can afford it Mi-Luz, let’s call it a summer treat, yeah?”

“I already have the books at home,” sure, a big part of her would love to own the collector’s editions, but even Luz Noceda has a limit. If anyone was gonna pay lots for the books, it was gonna be her.

“But these are different, right? Collector’s items” Mama asks uncertainly fishing her credit card out, “a true fan should own a set. Let’s get them.”

“No!” Luz snaps, “you are not spending that much on books for me!”

“But I want to, Mija,” Mama’s eyes go wide, realizing what she’s said Luz is too desperate to care. “Lo Siento!” Mama exclaims “it slipped out, I’m sorry. Let me buy these to make…”

“Will. You. Please. Let. It. Go!” Luz snaps, swatting the wallet out of her Mama’s hands. She stands, rooted to the spot in shock as Mama bends to pick it up. Mama stands up, looking at Luz, the hurt on her face knocks Luz out of her trance, she turns and bolts into the crowd.

Luz throws herself on a bench, taking some breaths before burying her head in her hands.

Stupid Luz, stupid, stupid, stupid! she berates herself, barely able to keep from smacking her head you just had to be a brat today, didn’t you? Had to take whatever this is out on Mama when she’s treating you. If this is how you act when she’s nice to you, you deserved to be sent away. How long until you’re like this with your friends? How long until you snap at them and lose them too? You deserve to be alone, who’d want to hang out with such an ungrateful brat?

<<Hey,>> says a gentle voice in Spanish next to her. Luz just sighs, she doesn’t have the energy to be irritated anymore.

<<Is it okay if I sit with you?>>

Luz nods.

They both sit in silence for a few seconds. Luz takes some steadying breaths, terrified she’ll snap again.

<<I’m sorry Luz. I shouldn’t have rushed to fix things with this grand gesture.>>

Guilt stabs Luz’s chest. She’s hurt her Mama today, made her feel bad, and she hasn’t even done anything bad.

Mama turns to her. <<I guess it’s…things are just starting to get better, and I was scared that I’d messed up again, that we were going back to…to before.>>

Luz sighs, feeling terrible.

<<I know it’s not easy,>> her Mama smiles, <<I know I need to be patient, to earn it again. It’s just…I can’t fix what I’ve done to upset you if you won’t tell me what it is. But I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed,>> her Mama’s hand hovers over Luz’s shoulder, Luz nods, and the hand squeezes it, <<whenever you’re ready, I’m here, and if you need space, I’ll give you as much as you need.>>

Luz sighs, long and loud. It’s her turn to try now, to take responsibility. She owes it to her Mama.

She looks her Mama in the eye, <<it’s not you, I mean it, you’ve done nothing, not really it’s just…>> she looks away, gathers herself, and looks back <<I woke to some bad memories, memories of…>> she gathers herself again, <<it doesn’t matter.>>

<<It does matter,>> her Mama insisted.

Luz takes some more breaths, <<memories of what you said to me, before the bus to camp, over the phone during camp. When I woke up, I had these, these horrible feelings,>> she touches her tummy, <<in here, and they won’t stop flaring up.>>

<<Around me?>> Her Mama asks. Luz wants to see anger and annoyance on her face, not sadness, not guilt. They sting so much worse.

Luz can only nod, <<I’m sorry Mom, I don’t know where they came from.>>

Mama looks away, lost in thought for a moment.

<<Maybe,>> she turned back to Luz, smiling, <<maybe you just need a day to feel grumpy, to feel hurt, and angry. They’re perfectly valid feelings.>>

<<I know,>> Luz groans, remembering Sasha’s (too often repeated) words, <<I’m sorry I took it out on you, and I’m sorry you wasted your money on this.>>

<<Hey,>> Mama cups Luz’s face, turning her to face her, <<that was my fault, not yours, okay?>>

Luz sighs, but nods.

<<And Luz,>> Mama continues, <<those feelings are my fault too, okay? I caused them, never suppress them for my sake.>>

<<Even if there’s no logic to it?>>

<<Even then,>> her Mama nods.

<<Thanks Mama,>> Luz sighs, feeling lighter.

They sit for a few moments, letting people walk by, letting the world breathe as they do too.

<<Luz,>> her Mama says, <<do you want to stay here?>>

Luz thinks for a moment, <<well, we drove here, might as well…>>

<<Do you want to stay here?>> her Mama asks again.

Luz struggles with herself, sighs, then shakes her head, <<I think…I think I need some time, some space, today.>>

<<Okay,>> her Mama nods, standing up, <<let’s get you back to your friends, I’m sorry I pulled you away from them.>>

<<It’s okay,>> Luz stands up, her smile feels more genuine now, <<and thanks, for understanding.>>

Her Mama kisses her head, <<thank you, for being honest,>> their eyes meet, <<I can never express how much that means to me.>>

The drive home feels much easier. No longer needing to, Luz manages to smile genuinely a little, and keep up more of a conversation with her Mama. It’s late in the day when they get back, but it’s summer, so she and her friends have time before the sun sets.

Mama sends her a text later in the day.

I’ll leave dinner outside your door, take as long as you need.

Luz smiles at that, so grateful her Mama is willing to adjust, to put her own feelings aside…

If this continues for more days, she’ll talk to Sasha in one of their sessions, find a way through it. Mama’s trying, so she can too.