Archive of Our Own

Kiara hated to admit it, but stepping in the shower was the best she’d felt in a month. The boys would call her a kook again if they knew. Contrary to everything JJ said, she hadn’t been lying when she said she didn’t want to come back. That was the truth. But she liked being home in this moment, even if home was feeling more like a trap she’d walked right back into. Sarah wasn’t here, for one. And Mom and Dad looked at her like she was dangerous the moment they stopped hugging her so there had to be another shoe dropping there soon, but for the moment she enjoyed the hot water and soap. 

When was the last time she showered? In that psycho’s house, maybe? Locked in a room with Rafe. Rafe, who’d been actually more helpful than any pogue when she was in trouble. If she closed her eyes, she could see him on his knees. Begging her to trust him. I’m a victim, he’d said. Like that even meant anything. A victim who killed people and was happy to do it, so as far as she was concerned he could swim home. Or better, never make it back. They had enough problems here. 

Dressing the part always made her parents more happy, so she made the effort. Put on something modest and kook-y, came downstairs and endured the lecture. Mom cried and Dad paced, and Kie just looked at them both. This had worked on her before but now she couldn’t imagine why. Her chest was empty. Maybe the time apart changed her. She was older and wiser. She’d speared fish.

After a bit Sarah came by the house, needing a place to sleep, and Dad tried out his boundaries crock of shit. As if boundaries meant not helping your friends. It only meant that when it came to her friends and what she wanted to do, because she wasn’t a full person in their eyes. She was a little version of them, and they couldn’t watch her make anything they considered a mistake. 

“It’s fine,” Sarah said at the first hint of conflict. She tried a smile on, but it didn’t fit. “I guess I could see what the guys are up to.” 

Something flared in Kie’s chest, hot and sharp. “No. You’re staying here or I’m leaving too.” She took Sarah by the hand and led her inside. With Sarah at her side, she was brave enough to speak her mind with her parents. “Look. I understand your rules, and I hear everything you had to say. It wasn’t my plan to go missing on a deserted island. But Sarah has no place to stay.”

“I promise, I don’t want any trouble,” Sarah jumped in. “I just want to sleep on something that isn’t sand.”

“Have you even gotten to shower?” Kie asked. 

Sarah shook her head. “My brother was home, and I didn’t want to get into it with him.” 

“Sounds pretty responsible to me.” Kie directed this to her parents, who were unamused but coming around on it a little bit. “Come on. You always said you wanted me to hang out with Sarah again.” 

“You won’t even know we’re here,” Sarah promised. 

“Please,” Mom said. A small smile spread over her face. “We want to know you’re here. I’m glad you girls had each other, on that island.” 

Kie looked over at Sarah, who was doing the same. Their eyes met and a spark zapped between the two of them. Yeah. Kie was glad she had Sarah there, too. 

“I’d be lost without you,” Sarah agreed. 

And that went over well. That helped Dad uncross his arms, and Mom look less like she was going to burst into tears again. “Okay,” Dad said. “Thank you for communicating with us. You’re welcome to stay here for a few nights, Sarah.”

If Kie was still speaking her mind, she’d say she was going wherever Sarah went. Kicking Sarah out would be kicking Kie out with her. But that was a fight for another time. She didn’t want to hear any more lectures from her parents, not when she’d missed them so much. So she walked Sarah upstairs to get her clothes and everything for a shower instead. 

When they were alone it got suddenly hard to talk. Kie skipped every other step in her haste, and went straight to the dresser to pull open a door. “So I’ve got all kinds of shirts.”

“You really don’t have to do this.” 

Kie looked up to find Sarah in the doorway, arms crossed tightly against her chest. “Why wouldn’t I want to do this?” 

“Because your parents looked like they’d murder me with their minds,” Sarah said with half a smile. “You have enough going on.” 

“Please. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you slept outside somewhere.” Kie flipped through the shirts, just for something to do with her hands. “Hard enough that I can’t do anything for JJ.” 

Her eyes were down, so she only felt Sarah cross the room to her, felt Sarah’s hand on her shoulder. “That’s not on you. He’ll understand.” 

“He won’t.” 

“Okay, so he won’t. But he should.” 

Kie rolled her eyes to pretend she wasn’t near crying, and she adjusted her hair over one shoulder. “Pick a shirt, Sarah Cameron,” she said.

Almost looked like Sarah blushed in response, but that probably wasn’t it. She picked out clothes in faded green and white, and hurried to the shower, because obviously she felt gross after everything. Kie just waited. Sat on her bed, the unfamiliar sheets scratchy under her legs, and tried to hang onto the feeling from before. She was glad to be home. She would stay glad.

The shower was running for a while. Kie got bored of just sitting and started rooting around looking for her shit. Mom had moved almost everything while Kie was gone. Eventually, Kie found her floss in the bin at the bottom of her nightstand and spread it out on the bed. Absently, she picked out some strands, blue and tan and brown, and started braiding them up together. 

Sarah’s voice eventually interrupted her. “You always were so good at that.” 

“Please,” Kie said. “Side effect of no videogames.” 

As she spoke, Sarah went over to sit at the foot of Kie’s bed across from her. She looked good. Was that crazy to think? She was in normal shorts and a tank top, her damp her over one shoulder. Kie thought she was the prettiest girl she’d ever seen. She watched Sarah crane her neck to look around the room. 

“Looks a lot different in here,” Sarah said after a second. 

“Mom redecorates when she’s stressed.” 

“Rose too. It’s so annoying when she moves all my stuff.” 

Kie shrugged. “I guess so. I don’t really care.” She made her fingers start working again, tightening up the strands that had gone lax in her grip when Sarah came in. 

“You don’t?” 

Again, she shrugged. Even though she could feel Sarah’s skepticism, and feel her wanting Kie to give her more. 

There wasn’t more to give right now. She was happy to be home. Hanging onto that feeling by a rapidly-fraying rope. 

They sat there in silence for a moment. House-silence, which was so different from island-silence. Maybe she’d never be used to it again. She almost wished they were still there, where the only thing that mattered was how Sarah looked at her, and how JJ let her hold him to sleep. 

Her parents had tried to turn Sarah away. Definitely never wanted JJ around again. 

“I’ve got an idea,” Sarah said. 

Topper was outside ten minutes later. Five of those minutes had been spent finding his number - complicated, when neither she or Sarah had their phones. But everybody had Mrs. Thornton’s number, and Topper required basically no convincing to come by. 

Of course, when he got there he beeped his horn from the driveway like an asshole. But that was probably because he was an asshole. Kook through and through, from his frosted tips to his spotless boat shoes. 

Well. She couldn’t see his shoes. But it was a safe bet. 

“That’s him,” Kie announced. “We’ll be back.” The door was already open, Sarah right next to her.

“Kiara, wait,” Mom tried to say. Dad stood like he was going to do something. All Kie could do was leave before she hated the sight of their faces even more. 

Topper greeted them pleasantly through the open window. “Hey Sarah. Kiara. You look good, considering…” 

Sarah wrenched open the huge door and scooted in first. “Thanks. You too.” 

Gingerly, Kie climbed in after her and shut the door. Her parents were coming out after them, still talking. She rolled up the window and hit the locks. “Can we go? Now?” she snapped. 

“Let’s go,” Sarah reiterated. 

“Okay. God.” Topper reversed and was in the street before Kie’s parents could do something stupid like stand behind his truck to stop him. Then they were moving. Cold air poured out of the vents. “Y’know, Sarah, when you said we were charming the parents I guess I thought there’d be some talking to them involved. I don’t know why.” 

“Well, Top, that was the plan at the time but things change. Her parents are being super unreasonable,” Sarah told him. 

Sarah’s leg was pressed against Kie’s. Needed to be. Three people in the front seat of the truck was a lot, even for Topper’s giant gas-guzzling monstrosity of a vehicle. Sarah had to be just as close to Topper on the other side. Probably a little weird for her, what with the ex thing and dating John B. 

“Wow. It’s like they thought you were dead for a month or something.” Topper nodded. A douche even in private. 

“Shut up.”

“I’m sorry. I’m just… I’m glad you’re okay.” He sounded almost human when he said that. Kie trusted him less for it. Especially when he added, “And it’s nice to see you again, Kie.”

“Sure it is,” she muttered. 

“I’m serious.”

“Well, you almost killed most of my friends, so. Can’t say I feel the same.” 

Sarah looked over at her with a frown. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine. In the car with someone who tried to shoot JJ.” Escaping from her parents, who might’ve been the only people who hated JJ more than Topper did. 

Topper stepped in. “Look, I get it. There’s been tension. But I’m not trying to start anything, okay? I did some growing, while you guys were gone.”

“Oh yeah?” Sarah had a smile in her voice. 

“Yeah. The thought of losing you over all this stupid shit was…” 

Kie glanced over to find him looking at Sarah with disgusting, sincere love. She understood the appeal of him, and why he was Sarah’s first call. It was obvious he’d do anything for her. Sarah was entitled to love it. 

Just like Kie was entitled to hate him for it. 

“So,” Topper said after a moment of silence. She must’ve missed the end of the conversation. “Kie. Long time no see.” 

“Yep.” 

“You still going to public school?” 

“We just call it school.” 

Sarah turned to look at her. “Kie.” 

“No, fair enough,” Topper said, which made Kiara hate him even more. It wasn’t fair, for him to be so rich and privileged and also nice to her. She wanted to kill him over it. So instead she was short with him until he got the hint and talked to Sarah only. 

He told them about a party happening, and Sarah wanted to go. That was beyond obvious, even with her trying to play it cool. And it wasn’t like Kie was eager to go home. So she agreed to go to this stupid fucking party even though she suddenly felt like the last line holding a sail in place. 

The party was at a house on the water, right in the middle of Figure 8. Boathouse, long pier, wraparound porch. This was the kind of house that made Kie’s parents give each other significant looks. We’re better than this type of looks, smug for not being this rich and out of touch. And somehow, more out of touch than anyone. 

Kie had to admit that at least Topper seemed to be authentically basic. His doofy niceness was exactly what she remembered about him from middle school. Before he’d learned how to cover for fear with meanness. He was just too much of who he was. It was too real. And it was weird now to look over past Sarah’s head and see the same thing in a bigger package. She felt like she’d changed so much since then.

“Hey,” Sarah said. They were parked in the long driveway, Topper standing in front of the car in a way that was clearly supposed to be giving them space. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine,” Kie said, and opened her door. She let Sarah lead her into the midst of everybody by the hand.

Parties with kooks were so different. Less kegs and more liquor, a gorgeous yard instead of part of the beach. A whole bar of things to mix up. Sarah had so much fun putting together concoctions and pushing them into Topper and Kie’s hands that Kie would probably drink anything just to keep things like this. To keep Sarah giggly and carefree. Kie caught Topper with a warm smile on his face, and figured he was somewhere near her wavelength. Which made Kie doomed, pretty much, because there was a kook and a pogue who liked Sarah as much as she did and that meant she’d always be fighting for Sarah’s attention. 

Kie had another drink. Her first White Claw, which was good as long as she drank it fast while it was cold. Then Sarah handed her pineapple juice and rum. 

“That’s a winning combo,” Topper said as Kie lifted the cup to take a sip. 

Deliberately, Kie lowered the cup. “I can make my own mind up. Thanks.” 

Topper frowned. “Whoa.” 

“Kie,” Sarah said. 

Whatever. Kie walked away from them, went out to stand on the pier. Water always helped, and getting away from the claustrophobia of so many people around. She used to like parties. Now it felt like she’d rather be alone. 

Sarah followed her outside and Topper didn’t, thank God. It was already hard enough to answer when Sarah asked, “What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing.” 

“Really? Nothing?” 

No. Not really, and they could both tell. Saying anything about it felt impossible, though. Nothing was wrong. Nothing was going on. Kie’s chest was empty. 

“Hey,” someone said from behind her. 

Kie knew that voice. She turned and saw Rafe, close enough that she could see how his irises were darker blue around the edges. He was smirking at her. “Toldja you were half kook.”

Her reaction wasn’t conscious as much as it was a survival instinct. She needed him away. So, one hard shove and he was falling backwards, arms out wide. He fell in slow motion, hit the surface of the water with a big shallow splash. Wasn't deep here, this close to the shore. Up to his waist. He stood up after a second, clothes wet and clinging. Rafe made eye contact with her, he raised his bottle and let out a yell that was also cheering. The party, which had gone quiet when she shoved him, cheered back. 

"Yeah," Sarah said quietly. "I can tell you're totally fine." 

Anger had lit Kie up inside, a signal fire shining bright. Now it was burning too hot. She needed to get away from here. Something was telling her she wasn't safe, the back of her neck prickling under all the eyes. So Kie made herself scarce. She passed everybody, walked down the pier and into the boathouse, then sat in one of the rowboats and tried not to think about pushing off and floating out. Like a Viking funeral, but she didn't want to die as much as she wanted to not be here. Anywhere but here. 

She finished the drink in her hand and let the alcohol stall her thoughts out. JJ was probably somewhere doing the same thing. She kind of got it now. Probably owed him an apology for the judgement before. 

People were all over the pier, on and off. Footsteps resonated as partiers moved. Laughter echoed out over the water. The island had great acoustics. They’d howled at the moon, tested the distance they could hear each other at. 

JJ was the one who suggested howling. He’d had so much fun with it. And now, if she tried to go see him her parents would probably try to get him thrown in jail or something. 

Too late, she realized one set of footsteps was close. By the time she noticed, Rafe was in the doorway. Still damp. He had a new drink in his hand, and he was standing with his weight on the balls of his feet like he expected to have to chase her. “I just want to talk.”

“Don’t get near me.” Kie scooted further from the door, into the other end of the boat. She put her back to the water so she could face him.  

Rafe moved slowly, eyes on her. He got close enough that she almost said something. Like he could feel it, though, he stopped there and sat on the edge of the wooden walkway with his legs in the water. Skinny legs. Like JJ.

Kie crossed her arms tightly, and spoke when she couldn’t stand another second of silence. “I don’t know what you think we have to say to each other.” 

“Sarah. She’s staying with you?” 

“For now.” 

He nodded a couple times, looked down into the water. There was no way she could get around him even now. “What’s that mean? You’re gonna kick her out?” 

“I’d never do that,” Kie snapped. 

The shortness didn’t seem to make much of an impression on Rafe. Rolled right off of him, no impact. “So why ‘for now’?” 

“My parents.” 

That earned a raised eyebrow, but Rafe didn’t say anything else. He had a sip of his beer. 

Kie was onto his game, she knew this was to get more of an answer, but words came out anyways. “I want to be happy to be home. But I wish we were still on that fucking island.” 

“Pogue paradise, huh.” 

“Well, nobody was telling me I was disrespectful or threatening to send me away for wanting to see my friends, so.” Kie glanced at him again, then looked anywhere else. The pier was new and solid, no flaking paint or cheap aluminum here. No splinters. “And I absolutely shouldn’t have told you that.” 

Rafe’s eyebrows came together. “Why?” 

“Because?” Kie frowned right back at him. “Is that a trick question?” 

“Because I’m the bad guy.” 

Just like he said in the room. It tugged at her conscience again, a weird kind of feeling. “Because if you decided to fuck with me, it’d be pretty easy to convince my parents I shouldn’t see daylight until I’m eighteen at least. And I try not to make a habit of handing ammunition to people I stole boats from.”

“Smart.” Rafe had another sip. 

For some reason Kie got the sense she’d said the wrong thing. After the whole day of saying everything wrong to her parents and feeling not much at all about it, this felt bad. It took a second to think of something to say that could fix it. “That goes for everybody. Not just you.” 

Rafe rolled his eyes and shifted a little. “Right.” 

“If I get kicked out they definitely won’t let Sarah stay, so. That’s why for now.” She closed her mouth, and then accidentally kept going. “I mean Dad grew up on the Cut anyways, so he was never happy I was hanging out with the guys.” 

“Bet he wasn’t.” 

She shot another glare at him, and Rafe widened his eyes in response. Kind of a silent apology. “Don’t be an asshole, they’re my best friends,” she said for good measure. 

“They’re not the kind of guys parents generally like. All I’m saying.” 

“I don’t care what you think about the kind of guys they are.” 

“So it’s illegal to agree with you?” 

“About the pogues? Yeah.” He would’ve killed John B if he got the chance that first summer on the treasure hunt, but Kie found herself hesitating to say it. Whatever the rest of this conversation had been, she wanted to keep it this way. Not blow it up. 

It looked like he knew it anyways. She couldn’t help but think about how he started hitting himself in the head in that room. Unstable. Not safe to make upset. 

“You think my dad would like you better?” she said. Just to say something. 

Rafe gave it genuine thought. “If I’m on my best behavior,” he decided. “As long as you don’t say anything about the sheriff.” 

“As if. That’d be their final straw.” Kie snorted. 

The silence between them got companionable, or maybe she was just being fooled by the warmth of the afternoon. It was a perfect summer day. Great for parties. The thought of going back out there made her dizzy. 

“Sarah doesn’t want to stay with me?” Rafe finally asked.

Kie threw him a look. “Ask her yourself.” 

“Great idea. She definitely wants to talk to me. Yeah. No, I just thought if there was something I could do about it and you told me...” He trailed off, rubbed the back of his head. She wondered what that texture was. None of the pogues shaved their heads. 

“I think she just needs time.” 

“Time. Okay. Time I can do,” Rafe said with a smile that seemed almost embarrassed. “I’ll be here for a while. Doing some stuff for my dad.” 

Doing stuff for the dad that made him kill somebody, according to him, and Rafe still thought it was a good idea to listen to him. He said he was trying to get better. How did this fit in? It didn’t make any sense.

If she was feeling like herself, Kiara would’ve said any of those things. All of them. But she was so tired of fighting with people - with her parents and JJ and Topper and Sarah - that she couldn’t bring herself to do what she’d normally do. She just wanted to exist for a second. For a night. 

Lucky that Rafe didn’t seem to mind a weird long silence, because Kie kept finding herself in the middle of one. For a few minutes, maybe, they sat there lost in simultaneous thought. She looked at her own legs, darker than usual from the island sun. There was no denying that this was probably the nicest conversation she’d had with Rafe maybe ever, and what surprised her most of all was the feeling that every other time they talked he was putting something on. 

Or, no. The most surprising thing was that she cared, at all. But she couldn’t unhear her name in his voice, getting her out instead of leaving her behind. Life-threatening danger had a way of making someone feel closer on its own, Kie knew that. She’d done stupid things before because of it. Getting friendly with Rafe Cameron wouldn’t be the worst entry on that list, as long as she stayed wary. That should be easy. Kie was smart and careful. Kie loved her parents, and she was happy to be home, and she knew better than to trust somebody just because they’d knelt in front of her and cried.

Or she would be all those things if she was anything. Her spark of rage was fading, and everything else she felt was going with it. 

“I don’t think I’m doing good,” she found herself saying. 

It was several more long moments before she could glance up to see his reaction. If he was smirking about this she wasn’t sure what she’d do. 

Rafe met her eyes and answered solemnly. “Well, you look great.” 

"Please.” Kie looked down at her clothes. Cute shorts in pastel blue, and a white top that made her look younger. Tactical, when she had to talk to her parents, but not what she wanted anyone to see. “I hate this.” 

No impact. Placidly, Rafe climbed to his feet and held a hand out to help her up. 

It felt like it’d be somehow more embarrassing to clamber out on her own while he watched, so she accepted. She was waiting for him to use the moment of instability to tip her into the water or worse. Her heart started racing. But all he did was help her, stay steady for her to lean into, and then let go when she was up. 

“Come on. Sarah was looking for you,” he said. 

It was strange to be around him. Passing him towards the door made her remember what it was like to be hunted. Just standing next to him and his sister trying to make pleasant conversation was like talking to a stranger. Either way. All of that was so much more vivid than home that she stayed out past midnight.

The second day Kie was home, her parents threw a party. It felt like handcuffs. 

Not to be a total bitch about it or anything. She was grateful for this party, and for how half of it was meant to celebrate her being back. More than half, maybe. She didn't totally believe it when they said they'd already had something planned. But either way she didn't want to complain. They'd missed her. Not all the pogues had that. 

Plus, Sarah was here. She’d had sort of snuck out early for breakfast with Topper, but came back in time to help set up. Once all the tables were set and disposable forks were in little glass jars, they went upstairs together to get dressed. Sarah didn't say anything about how Kie didn't know where anything was because Mom put this vanity in here while Kie was gone. Sarah treated it like an adventure.

With a flourish, Sarah used a big soft brush to smear highlighter on her cheekbones. "Too much?" 

Definitely. When the light caught her face, half of it flashed gold. Kie's response got caught in her throat, between the teeth of her answering smile. She couldn't say anything until Sarah had turned back to the mirror and her mind unfroze. "I wish I could just show up as myself, though." Kiara looked at herself in the mirror. Her skin was too even. Her brows were too perfect. She couldn't fight the feeling that giving in to play the perfect daughter was only going to hurt her later. 

"I don't think you're capable of not being yourself. And that's something I love about you." 

Kie's face went warm. "Well. Thanks." 

"But I get what you're saying. Sometimes parents want a doll that looks like you." 

She said that like it was so normal. Obvious, even. Kie was stunned. That was exactly correct. And then Sarah did her eyeliner in two sure swoops, and that was just as miraculous. 

"I can never get that right," Kie said. 

"Let me help." Sarah turned to face her, and Kie moved to match. They were practically nose to nose. Kie's eyes caught on Sarah's lips for a second before she got ahold of herself. Then, Sarah took Kie's chin in her hand. "Close your eyes." 

Darkness was a relief. Kie let out a breath she didn't know she was holding, and stayed still. Sarah moved firmly, just enough pressure without being painful. It smelled like powder and lip gloss, like soft, nice things that always made Kie aware of just how out of her depth she was trying to fit in on this side of the island. She was more comfortable sleeping on sand. 

"I kissed Topper last night.” 

Kie's eyes flew open again. "You what?" 

"I know. I'm a terrible person." Sarah was hard to read, sometimes. A lot of the time. Even when she didn't have a face full of makeup she didn't want to smudge. But Kie could still tell how much Sarah meant that. "I'm going to tell John B." 

Right. Of course. Her boyfriend, John B, who was also Kie's best friend - tied for best friend - and Kie was obviously upset about Sarah cheating on him. No other reason they were talking about this. "Good," Kie said. She meant to say more, but that was all she could get out in the end. 

Actually telling John B went about as well as she expected it would, if a little sooner than she'd thought. He stopped by the party with JJ, uninvited, and the two of them managed to make so much trouble in about four minutes flat that when they left she almost thought her Dad was going to chase after them. Great reminder, just one more time. Her parents hated the people she loved most. It wasn’t like she really believed what they were saying - that the party was about unity or whatever, because if it was then pogues would be invited too. Still hurt, though. Almost as much as every second Sarah spent talking to stupid fucking Topper. 

For a while, Kie was holding out hope it was guilt. Sarah was talking to him because John B beat the shit out of him and she felt bad. But she probably didn’t go home with him out of pity. 

If Kie hadn’t seen Sarah leave with him, sandwiched between him and his mom on the way to their car, she wouldn’t have known. Sarah didn’t like goodbyes. That was fine. Kie didn’t need them either. And she was happy to be home.

Over the next day or so parents performed their happiness with an insistence that made them seem like pod people. That was probably the reason she didn’t see the camp thing coming. 

It was supposed to be a quick stop home for clothes. Detour on the way to help John B’s dad get home. Instead, she got kidnapped. Felt just the same as the other time, even though this was supposedly for her own good. 

She put up a fight, of course. Kiara Carrera didn’t get snatched without a fight. She kicked and screamed, she clawed at the arm holding her with everything she had and still got bundled into that van. So in the end, she sort of wished she hadn’t fought at all.

The van smelled like dirt and something sickly chemical. They didn’t make her fasten her seatbelt. Too soon, they were on the road moving too fast for her to even think about trying to wrench a door open.

Kiara kept going back to one thing. The pogues. She was abandoning them, right before they left the country to save Big John’s life. John B. was going to think she chickened out. Nobody would think wilderness camp, and if JJ missed the plane too he couldn’t tell anybody.

Nobody would because even she hadn’t, when she should’ve seen the warning signs. Mom and Dad had talked to her about this stupid fucking place the first day she was back. Trails. They’d acted like it would be some kind of getaway and she hadn’t been interested. The brochure was full of glossy photos of kids doing some good old-fashioned character-building labor, beautiful cabins and trees. Nothing about ambushing people and stuffing them into locked cars. Even without that she hadn’t been interested in it. She’d just gotten back from the wilderness. 

That was the real fucking injustice, here. Her parents kept acting like she’d run away. Like she was acting out. They didn’t even try to grasp what she had to say. She didn’t want to cause them any anguish. She wanted to be home. 

-

Like fucking hell was Sarah going to the Amazon without Kiara. That was what she knew immediately when JJ called with the news. Yes, Big John was abducted. She understood that particular flavor of fear well. But this was Kie. Not somebody’s dad who’d been missing a year anyways. “Where’d they send her?” she said into John B’s phone. “Do you know?” 

“No. Somewhere nearby. Came and picked her up right in the middle of the day. Like fucking animal control. Her parents kept saying it was for her own good. Right before they threatened to call the cops on me.” 

Sarah’s stomach sank. “Trails. That’s the closest one.” 

“Okay. You know it?” 

“No. I don’t. But I know someone who does. Come get me.” 

“Roger that, mama. Coming in hot.” 

John B wasn’t happy. But he already wasn’t happy with her. Sarah figured one more reason wouldn’t hurt either of them.

-

Three hours in, Kie understood perfectly well why these places worked. Intake had been quick. They didn’t want to understand her as much as they wanted to crush her into the same shape as all the other kids here. As she was escorted by other groups of campers she saw their dead faces, scared and quiet. That would never be her. 

After intake, they put Kie in the isolation cabin. Like detox from people. She had a feeling the real reason for this was to get her desperate enough for human contact to agree with everything they asked. 

It did work. She wished she was as numb as before, that she could just sit here and think about not much. Instead she kept running things over in her head. John B’s worry and Pope’s planning and JJ’s snappy little remarks he kept making trying not to say he loved her. She loved all the guys, but JJ was her heart. Sometimes she hated him for it, for being out there and so vulnerable. Every time he got into trouble she felt a corresponding clench in her chest. 

And Sarah. Everybody liked Sarah for who they thought she was, and Kie really wanted to tell them all to be better. Sarah wasn’t a girlfriend or a pretty face or even a pogue. She was the best, kindest person out of all of them. More willing to help with less experience. Brave and strong and gorgeous. 

She needed to get back to them. She needed to stop thinking about them. So when they checked on her around dinner time, Kie said whatever they wanted her to. 

They assigned her a group, a dozen other kids and a counselor that looked about as psyched to be here as she felt. All he did was tell them to shut up when they talked to each other and assign jobs and bathroom buddies. Kie kept her head down and did what he said. Didn’t look at any of the other kids, who were mostly younger than her and gaunt. 

The camping part of it was probably supposed to freak her out, make her feel vulnerable and off-balanced. But Kie had done this on a desert island with no tent and no shade. This was cake. She was fine to sit on the section of log nobody else wanted. Only real challenge was trying not to think about the most real month of her life. The month nobody else wanted to talk about. 

It was dark out. Two other counselors walked someone new up to the group. “Late arrival,” one said, and pushed the guy down. Hard shove. He landed on his knees, and Kie looked just as he looked up. 

She couldn’t believe her eyes for several long seconds. It was Rafe. In the same stupid polo she was wearing. Not fighting back. 

While the counselors discussed something in hushed tones, Rafe crawled over to sit next to Kie. On the ground, his shoulder level with her knee. 

Carefully, slowly, Kie bent her head so her hair hid her face from anyone else. “What are you doing here?” she whispered.

Rafe itched his nose, hiding his hand with his mouth. “Keeping you company,” he muttered back. 

Weird. Very weird. Kie had a whole conversation about it in her head with him. She asked him why she needed company. Why he wasn’t here to get her out. If someone else was here. And all the answers she imagined from him were more frustrating than not hearing anything, so that exercise came to a stop. Instead she let herself enjoy the safety of having a friend here. 

Well. Loose definition of the term. 

Every so often, Rafe would jostle her leg with his elbow, and she’d knock her knee into his shoulder. A pulse between the two of them. I’m here and you’re here type of thing. 

They got a second while everyone was going to bed. The counselor went to piss, and everyone else was just sitting in the darkness. “JJ and my sister are coming,” Rafe said to her, quiet and calm. “They’ve got a plan. Won’t be here until tomorrow.” 

“And you couldn’t wait?” 

Rafe looked up at her, his eyes dark in the firelight. Almost all pupil. “Been here before. Know how fucked up it is.” 

“When?” 

“I was fourteen.” 

Jesus. Kie felt her forehead crinkling up with a seriously intense frown. “Why? What happened?” 

He shrugged, and that was about as much talking as they could fit in before they heard the rustling of the counselor coming back. 

They couldn’t sleep in the same tent. It was segregated by gender, like everything else here. But it made a difference knowing someone was here who cared if she got strangled in the night. With that safety, it was easy enough to pass out. 

Morning came quick. They were all roused early, forced on a walk that Kie suspected would end up as a circle given how they left their tents where they were. She figured she’d missed dinner, but there was no mention of breakfast either. 

Rafe had answers, when she whispered questions to him on the walk. “Yeah. Hungry kids don’t run.” 

“That’s so fucked up.” 

He shrugged. 

Right. Because he’d been one of those hungry kids, and nobody showed up to save him. Kie glanced over at him as they walked. He seemed normal, honestly. What she thought of as normal, at least. Not tense, but on guard. When the guys behind them got too close he shot them an assessing look. 

The walk took them past a stream, which the counselor reluctantly allowed them to drink from. Kie moved forward hesitantly - probably should drink when she could - but Rafe stopped her with a hand around her arm. Shook his head when she looked at him. “This’ll make you sick,” he said in an undertone. 

“No talking,” the counselor said pointedly. 

Fine. No talking. Kie waited until his back was turned to give Rafe a silent thankful look. As they walked Kie gathered long pieces of grass. She knotted them at one end and started braiding. Nobody stopped her. Probably because they didn’t notice. She braided and walked, and after a bit she had a piece long enough for a bracelet to slip around her wrist. Proof this was happening. 

More walking and she had a second one. And she had somebody walking right next to her, someone who volunteered to be here just so she wouldn’t be alone. 

It occurred to that Rafe was kind of built for this. Built by it, even. Didn’t talk much, acted out with sudden energy that couldn’t be predicted. When she was the age he’d been, Sarah was still her best friend and they spent a lot of time acting out an epic political intrigue with Barbies. 

“Rafe,” Kie whispered, and held the bracelet out to him. 

After a second he took it. Next time she looked over, it was around his wrist. 

Around noon, a whistle sounded from somewhere nearby. Probably sounded like a birdcall to people who didn’t know how well JJ had learned to imitate them. But Kie would know any sound JJ made ever, for the rest of her life. She bumped Rafe’s shoulder, and he nodded. Communication, just like that. 

They stopped soon after, for a lunch made up of one granola bar for every two of them. Again, Rafe sat near her. Not overtly protecting her, but she still got the feeling. Or maybe that was just because of the first time he got trapped with her. 

Kie was keeping an ear out for other sounds. The forest rustled around them, nothing sticking out. If it wasn’t so strictly enforced, the silence could’ve been peaceful. 

A blood-curdling scream split the silence wide open. Sarah. Rafe flinched towards Kie, but nobody noticed because everyone was panicking. The counselor included. Another scream came soon after, and then in the middle of it Kie heard another bird call. From the same direction as before. 

This was it. Cover. The orderly line was abandoned, and everyone was running. Nobody noticed that they ran towards the bird call instead. Kie led the way, heart pounding as her feet ate up ground. She was out, her blood was singing, and her friends were close. 

They ran up a short incline then down into the bed of another creek, and just like that they were out of sight. Not safe, but good enough for now. 

It was the adrenaline making her so keyed up, the hollow hunger in her gut eating away at her brainpower. That was why she threw her arms around Rafe for a second. The only reason. And if she held on for another few moments, she figured she’d be forgiven. Wasn’t like Rafe minded. He hung on too, until she let go and took a step back. 

“What’s that for?” he said. She stole a glance at him, saw pink cheeks and an awkward posture.

“For helping. Walking with me.” 

Rafe planted his hands on his hips, nodded. “Lots of that last time. Tire us out.” 

“Cool. Fun approach to behavior reform. Definitely helps.” Anger was flaring up inside her again, burning an acid hole in the middle of her chest. Or maybe that was just reflux. She hadn’t eaten anything besides that half granola bar in twenty-four hours.

Another whistle came from down the ravine on the left. Kie jumped like she’d been shocked, ran towards it as fast as she could without tripping. She heard Rafe following her, heard someone approaching too. It didn’t even occur to her to be afraid because it was JJ. Obviously JJ. She saw him literally yesterday. It felt like forever. 

JJ slammed into her almost hard enough to knock them over, his arms linked around her back tightly. “I love you,” he said into her shoulder. 

“I know.” Kie laced a hand into his hair, took a deep breath of him and tried not to cry. “I’m sorry I made you late for the flight.” 

“Please. John B’s got Pope and Cleo, that’s basically 85% of our brainpower anyways.” JJ swung them back and forth a bit before letting go. “Come on. Sarah’s watching the Twinkie. We’ve gotta get out of here before they realize you’re missing.” 

“Couple minutes, tops,” Rafe said. 

Once she and JJ were apart, JJ offered Rafe a fistbump. “Solid move, dude.” 

Rafe returned the gesture awkwardly. Like he’d never done it before. Freak. But Kie couldn’t help but notice the affection in her head when she thought that. 

They walked a good distance through thick trees, JJ in front of her and Rafe behind. Then, abruptly, the woods cleared. A thin road wound through hills, barely more than a strip of asphalt and gravel shoulder. The Twinkie was parked on one side, and Sarah was sitting in the open side door. 

Sarah’s face warmed when she saw Kie. She didn’t run to Kie like JJ, but she hugged tighter. “You’re safe,” Sarah said. 

“How did you find me? How did you know where I was?” 

“Because I got kicked out of here,” Rafe said, in his mulish stubborn voice. “And there aren’t any other options around. Dad looked high and low.”  

JJ clambered into the front seat. “Come on. Food in the car. Let’s go.” 

Nobody else hugged Rafe. Not that they should, or had to, but Kie just noticed.

She and Rafe sat in the back in case of cops. “Pop the cooler open,” Sarah directed from the front seat. “We’ve got all kinds of shit.” 

They did indeed. There were Cokes in the bottom, sandwiches on top and a bag of chips that Rafe tore open immediately and took a handful from. Kie was right behind. She cracked a Coke and drank the first half so quick she hiccuped. 

“Was it bad?” Sarah asked. 

Kie looked up and saw Sarah turned around in her seat, watching them. “Not that bad for a day. Worse, probably, if you’re there for months.” She looked at Rafe then, pointedly. 

“Yeah. Worse.” Rafe shoved the last bite of a sandwich in his mouth. “I was in that solitary cabin for a while, too.” 

“How long?” 

He shrugged a shoulder. “Couple weeks at a time.”

“How long were you there altogether?” Sarah asked.

“Almost a year.” 

Long time. Seemed like Sarah was thinking something about that, too, because she turned back forward, to look out the windshield. 

As usual, JJ was the one who said what everybody else was thinking. “What’d you do?”

“Broke Wheezie’s arm.” 

Kie looked at him. Rafe looked back. The evenness on his face seemed like an act. “Say more,” she prompted. 

“I let her ride the dirt bike on her own. She crashed it, broke her arm. I took her inside. They took her to the hospital. And two days later a bunch of guys in polos took me away.” 

“You were crying harder than she was,” Sarah said quietly.

Rafe shrugged again. “Maybe. I dunno. Kind of a blur.” 

“And I’m sure the malnutrition didn’t help,” Kie said solemnly. 

That got a laugh out of him. “Yeah. That.” 

The bracelet was still around his wrist. Kie caught him fiddling with it. 

“Well. That’s fucked up, man. Like I know your dad’s a psycho, but even for him.” JJ knew better than to let that statement grow an awkward silence after it. He kept talking. “Kie, where am I taking you? Not home, right?” 

No. Not home. Shit. 

“Don’t worry about me. I can stay with Topper,” Sarah volunteered. 

“Good,” Kie answered. 

Something in her voice must’ve given her away; she caught a sharp look from JJ in the rearview mirror. He spoke after another moment. “If I had a house, you could stay with me.” 

“I know. Don’t worry,” Kie said. “I’ll figure it out.”

By the time they got back the sun was setting. Another golden summer evening. Kie used to love sitting in the living room around this time. The light came in through the sheer curtains and everything looked buttery soft. She’d never see that again, maybe. She couldn’t imagine looking her parents in the face. She’d be too scared they’d send her back. 

JJ dropped Sarah off first, presumably because she was the only one with somewhere to go. Kie hugged her goodbye, she promised again that she’d ask if she needed help and Sarah believed her. She couldn’t be mad to be believed - couldn’t be mad at Sarah regardless, so Kie really put herself in this situation. 

Then, with Sarah gone, JJ turned fully around in his seat. “I’m staying at the Chateau for now. You want to come back there?”

“That’s the first place my parents will look. I need to stay away from you guys for a while, I think. I don’t want to see them.” 

There was a long silence. The trees around them whispered. 

“Well,” Rafe said, deliberate and unconcerned. “You could stay with me.” 

Kie swore JJ to secrecy at the base of the Tanneyhill driveway, his hands clasped in both of hers. “I’m not hiding anything. I’m not ashamed of anything. But I can’t let my parents find me. Under no circumstance. Okay?” 

“I understand,” he said reluctantly. “I don’t love it, but. I get it. C’mere.” JJ wrapped her up in one more tight hug punctuated with a kiss on her cheek. “Can I get you a phone?” 

“Yeah. Or call Rafe.” 

“What’s your number?” JJ asked Rafe. 

Surreal, for them to be doing the boring ritual of swapping phone numbers and saving them. They’d both tried to rip each others’ throats out more than once. Hell, Rafe had tried to kill each of the pogues. This was stupid. 

She didn’t think of anything better. And then JJ was gone, and she was standing here with Rafe. Walking up the driveway with him. Entering his house with him. For a second they stood in the foyer. “You can stay in Sarah’s room, if you want,” Rafe said. 

“Works for me.”

“You remember where it is?” 

“Yeah.”

Rafe nodded. “You need something, yell.” 

And that was it for a while. Kie went up to Sarah’s room and Rafe left her alone. She showered in Sarah’s bathroom, with Sarah’s cucumber melon body wash and her foaming face cleanser. The towels were huge. The clothes were Sarah’s too, and Kie tried to make it not weird. She grabbed the first pair of underwear she saw, a stretchy pair of shorts and and a big T—shirt in sun-bleached pink. Dressed enough to head downstairs to look for food. 

The house was quiet. Things creaked every once in a while. The air conditioning hummed. Kie moved quietly on instinct, down the steps on her toes as she tried to see if she could hear where Rafe was. Not like she was scared of him, more because all the recent kidnapping. 

Nice house. No squeaky floorboards. She made it to the kitchen without disturbing the silence, and started looking through cabinets. 

On cabinet number four, Rafe showed up. He came in through a different door than her, from a room that was dark. Not alarming at all. “Hungry?” he asked. 

“Starving.” Kie opened a promising set of cabinets and found wine glasses. 

With a hint of a smile, Rafe came around the island. “Here.” The pantry was behind a door, and the fridge was built into the woodwork. He pulled open the freezer first and looked down into it. “Pizza?” he suggested. 

“I’m vegetarian.” 

“Oh.” 

“I can pick it off, though,” she added with a twinge of guilt. He was being hospitable, uncharacteristically nice, and she was being a pain in the ass. 

“I’ll eat it,” he shrugged.

So that was how Kie ended up leaning on a marble countertop next to Rafe Cameron, meticulously picking out pepperoni and sausage to move from one side to the other. A real pinch herself moment. Mundane enough to set her teeth on edge. 

She peeled away after a second to get the oven on, and when she came back Rafe didn’t move. Could be apathy. Or it could be like a cat. Showing comfort. 

After a few seconds, she got her head on straight. What it definitely was, was overthinking. Rafe was a hundred percent not even thinking about her. He was focused on the pepperoni for sure. 

That held true. Rafe remained mostly preoccupied by whatever he was doing, day to day. The drug dealer guy was over once, though Kie stayed out of his way. Rafe was out sometimes. He was on the phone. Everything he did was beyond her knowledge and frankly, beyond than she cared about. And that was great because it meant Kie could do basically nothing all day. She lay in Sarah’s bed until she felt weird about looking at Sarah’s stuff, and then she snuggled up on the couch in front of the TV until she wanted to sleep. Repeat. No exposure to the sun she was already too familiar with. The two of them really didn’t say anything to each other. For a while.

“Having a party,” he told her one afternoon. “Free booze if you want it.” 

“No thanks,” she answered with feeling. “I’ll stay upstairs.” 

“You allergic to fun?” 

“To people seeing my face when I’m hiding.” 

When she said that, he backed off. Literally. Raised his hands and took a step back from her, and Kie rolled her eyes at him. “Lock your door, then. If you want to be safe. I’ll come tell you when it’s over.” 

“Okay,” she said. And then she realized, once she was back in her room, that she’d basically agreed to trust him. To listen to him, too. Which was not only stupid, but uncomfortable in retrospect. She didn’t want it to sound like she needed him for anything. 

Well. She was here because she felt safest here, though. Not because of him necessarily, but still.

Sitting here, in Sarah’s bedroom, it occurred to Kie that she hadn’t talked to anybody but Rafe in three days. She needed a new phone. Who knew what was going on with Sarah and Topper, where JJ was living and what happened with Pope’s scholarship and if John B had found his dad. Kie had gone into hibernation. In her best friend’s bedroom. 

Maybe there were some things wrong with her. 

With a deep sigh, Kie did turn the lock in the door and flopped down on her back on the bed. She needed to talk to Sarah and JJ for starters. The need itched under her skin. Kind of figured that none of this was on her mind on any of those lazy days she spent alone. Only now, when she couldn’t go anywhere or do anything about it, now this stuff was eating her up. 

Too late now. She was in for the night until Rafe came to get her. If he even remembered once he was fucked up. Until the morning, at the latest. 

The party sounded lively. Music was blasting, and people were laughing and talking. Occasionally there was a splash, or a scream, or both. Sarah’s room was on the wrong side of the house for it to be too annoying. Kie couldn’t see anything out the window, and most of the noise didn’t make it through the house to her except when people were wandering the halls. Nobody tried the door, but she was glad it was locked anyways. 

She didn’t realize she’d dozed off until somebody knocked. The sound startled her awake, and then a spike of worry kept her there. She almost asked who it was, but then she pictured her dad on the other side of the door and shut her mouth. Maybe she could get out the window. 

Again came a knock, in a rhythm that sparked recognition in her heart. Where did she know it from? Kie sat up, trying to think.

A voice came through the door indistinctly. “Kie, come on. All alone.” The knock sounded one more time, slower.

She connected the dots on her way to the door. That was her and Sarah’s knock, from ten years ago. The one they used on the clubhouse door. Kie was pretty sure they swore torturous death on each other if they told anybody. And yet, it was Rafe on the other side. He was leaning on the door frame, a flush high on his cheeks. 

“How do you know that knock?”

Rafe shrugged. “You guys did it all the time.” 

Her door was open now, the party over. Strange how the itch Kie felt when she was locked in was gone completely now. She stood there, hanging onto the doorknob of the half-opened door for a second. It felt like Rafe wanted to come in, and she couldn’t tell if that was a good or bad thing. 

“You have fun?” she asked. 

A shrug again. Big, drunk. “Sure.” 

Okay. Regardless of what he wanted, Kie couldn’t slam the door in his face. So she let go and got back in bed. 

Sure enough, he followed. She sat up at the head of the bed. He stood at the foot, and looked everywhere but at her. “Kiara.” 

“What.” 

“Why are you here?” 

Fair question. Kie criss-crossed her legs and held onto one of her shins, all tied up while she thought. “I was thinking about that too. I think I need more friends with spare bedrooms.” 

It wasn’t even a joke, really, but Rafe snorted like it was and stole a few steps closer. Kie straightened up a bit, pressed back into her pillows. Not like she wanted to keep him away from her, though that was here too. She just wanted to keep her guard up. “My own sister won’t stay here,” he pointed out. 

“I’m aware.”

“So I feel like. That means you have to like me a little bit.” 

“I wouldn’t say that,” Kie said because she felt like she was supposed to. A rut worn in this conversation from someone else - JJ maybe, and his allergic reaction to sincerity. 

As usual, Rafe didn’t respond to her like anybody else did. He smiled, and sat near her. One leg was tucked under himself so he could face her, and once he was sitting he swayed a little closer. That woven grass bracelet was still around his wrist, forlorn and rustic and out of place. He set his beer on the nightstand. “Kie,” he said seriously. 

Maybe it was just the experience she had with all the other guys she knew, all deciding at one time or another that their crushes were something they needed to act on. Maybe Rafe was just being really obvious. Either way, she saw it coming when he leaned in to kiss her. Saw it coming, and stopped him in his tracks. 

Well, she didn’t stop him. If he really was putting up a fight she wasn’t sure she even could. But she recoiled, she put a hand up defensively, and Rafe backed off almost the same instant she moved. “Don’t be stupid,” she said, as kind as she could. “It’s not like that.” 

“Because you’re with JJ.” 

“No, because it’s just not.” There was a lecture here, one she’d given before. She wasn’t something that people got to call dibs on, not something people earned by being good enough friends with her. But something told her that would go to waste here. Rafe didn’t strike her as particularly concerned with the broader sociological implications of what he did. 

“So what. You’re gay? You like girls?” Rafe asked. His face was little less vacant now, more intense.  

“Who doesn’t?” she retorted, knee-jerk defensive. “But that’s got nothing to do with this.” 

That finally seemed to get through. He nodded, and then slumped over against the pillows next to her. Drunk but not just that. Still felt like flirting. Kie frowned at him as long as she could, before it turned into something more closely related to a smile. 

“Sorry. I’ll get out of your hair.” His words were half-muffled by the pillow. 

Kie scooted into more of a reclining position, propped up by the pillows behind her with one leg bent and foot planted on the bed to hold her there. “It’s fine. I mean, we’ve done this before.” And wasn’t that the thought. She really hadn’t spent much time on those memories - mostly because of razor-sharp anxiety she’d been standing directly on top of the whole time. Never seemed like a good sign for her captor to put her in silky, sexy clothes. Even before they’d locked Rafe in there with her. Rafe behaving himself was something she hadn’t been able to spare gratitude for because every second they were in there she’d been waiting for it to stop being normal scary and start being a nightmare.

The silence after she spoke stretched out long enough that she was surprised to hear him talk eventually. “I’m not sleeping on the floor,” he murmured. 

You’re not sleeping here at all, she meant to say. But she looked over and saw his eyes were already closed, arms crossed tight against his chest. This wasn’t even her bed, anyways. It was Sarah’s and this was Sarah’s brother, so Kie didn’t think she had any grounds to kick him out even if she wanted to. That was the story she was sticking to. 

The guys liked to call her a bleeding heart. She wondered what they’d do if they knew she was spending time feeling bad for Rafe. She wondered what Sarah would say. 

Her mind wandered. Kie dozed off again, woke to the light of Sarah’s bedside lamp right in her eyes. She’d slumped down low enough in her sleep for the lightbulb to be annoying, so she stretched over to turn it off. Rafe stirred when she moved, adjusted in response to her but didn’t open his eyes. 

Okay. Kie could live with this. She’d shared a bed a million times with one of the pogues. With Sarah. JJ spread out, crowding her off the bed over the course of the night, and John B snored. This was fine. Rafe was taking up a cautious third of the bed at most, and he hadn’t snored yet. She was calm. She was tired. Without too much overthinking, she slipped back into sleep.

She woke up to him tossing and turning at some point an indeterminate amount of time later. Half asleep, she couldn’t tell if he was awake or not. Wasn’t even sure if she was. Blindly, she reached over, aiming for his shoulder but found her hand over the side of his head. He was facing away from her, ear squishy under her palm. “Shh,” she sighed. 

After a few more seconds he shifted again. Restless, maybe nervous. He’d fidgeted his way halfway down the bed. 

“Relax,” she said, a little more enunciating. 

“Trying,” he mumbled back. 

Sounded like JJ, every time he snuck in through her window looking for somewhere he could spend a safe night. That was the only explanation that made sense later, thinking back. Rafe sounded like the boy she loved most in the world and she was barely even awake anyways so she moved her hand to tuck her arm over the top of his shoulder and under his chin. That new grip brought her closer to him, too. He ended up held against her chest, and that got him to stop so Kie didn’t think about it until morning. When she woke up, one of his hands was hanging onto her arm like he wanted to keep her there. 

Kie was otherwise occupied, thinking about how the bed smelled like Sarah, surrounded by all the little things Sarah collected - shells and wind chimes and pictures of her and her kook friends. Faces Kie knew even if she hadn’t spoken to them in years. 

She had to pee. Kie tugged her arm free and got up for the bathroom. By the time she got back, Rafe was gone.

Not gone gone. She found him in the kitchen, eating cold pizza from the night before. He glanced at her when she came in, looked down just as fast. Something about that made her hesitate before coming closer. He wouldn’t try to kiss her again, she was pretty sure, but still. Caution. 

“Sleep okay?” he asked. 

“Great. You were out fast.” Kie ventured near enough to grab her own slice, and didn’t retreat immediately. 

“Don’t really remember. I was pretty drunk.” 

Kie shot him a glare. “Shut up. You weren’t that drunk. You remember. And so do I.”

The kitchen felt oddly big in this moment. Her words echoed, almost, and Rafe felt so far away just on the other side of the island counter. He looked at her, eyes dark holes in his head, and said nothing. 

So Kie spoke again. “Can I use your phone? I want to talk to JJ.” 

He handed it over without argument. So at least there was that. 

JJ showed up in Rafe’s boat. “Thought I’d bring her back home,” he said cheerily. Classic JJ approach to a thoughtful gesture - sharp edge hidden in the center. Getting stranded on a desert island had not made him any better at saying what he meant. 

To his credit, Rafe didn’t take the chance to start anything. He caught the keys JJ tossed him and spun them on their ring around his finger. “Figured you would’ve sunk it.”

“Please. That’d be like burning the Mona Lisa. Fine vessel you’ve got there.” 

“I know.”

“Oh. He knows,” JJ said to Kie, which wasn’t starting a fight but came close. She bundled JJ off towards the house as quick as she could after that, wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled. “Yeah. Can’t get away from that guy fast enough, huh,” JJ said before they were quite out of earshot. 

“It’s not that, idiot,” Kie made sure she said just as loud, and she poked JJ’s side. 

“So what is it?” He held the patio door open for her and followed her in, falling into step next to her with ease that made her heart ache. She missed him. She still missed him from right next to him. 

Kie led him up the steps and down the hall to Sarah’s room for some privacy. “It’s complicated,” she said to him as they walked. “But he’s not that bad.” 

“Is that the Stockholm syndrome talking?” 

“No. Though. I guess maybe sort of.” Kie led him into Sarah’s room and paused there, a few feet into the room. 

JJ was immediately distracted, eyes darting all over to take everything in. Bookshelves and photos and keepsakes - Kie followed his eyes and noticed things anew. All Sarah’s things. It was like sitting in the middle of Sarah’s brain. Maybe she wouldn’t want JJ in here, actually. 

“So this is kooklandia, huh,” JJ said half to himself. 

“That’s the other part that’s complicated,” Kie said, and he looked at her with an attentive expression. “Jay, this feels like home. I think I’ve been realizing how much I’ve been… well, I think I might be more kook than I thought.” 

With his usual put-on confidence, JJ planted his hands on his hips. “Don’t be crazy. You’re a pogue through and through. Unless you were lying about wanting to go home.”

Kie ignored that barb. He didn’t mean it. “Pogue for life.”

“Right.” 

“Then why didn’t John B come for me? Why didn’t Pope?” 

“We had to split the forces,” JJ started to say, but he stopped when he realized Kie was crying. 

She didn’t want to be, and didn’t mean to be, and had tried not to as hard as she could. But a couple tears escaped, and he saw. Kie managed to keep her voice mostly steady to ask, “Does it have to be one or the other, though?” 

JJ sucked a breath in through his teeth and rocked back and forth on his feet. “It seems like that’s a fraught topic to weigh in on. Given your whole parent situation.”

“Yeah.” 

“You want to help me understand?”

She loved him so much it hurt. “Let’s try.” 

The problem wasn't just what to call herself. It was deeper than that. More about all the kidnapping, and how it seemed like everybody wanted her to just bounce right back. No big deal. Just another day in the life of the pogues. They barely even talked about everything with Mr. Singh. The only person who even asked her about it was Sarah, on the boat on the way back. Everybody else just wanted to talk about the Home Alone hijinks they'd gotten up to without her. 

And that was just half of it. Then there was the Trails stuff. It wasn't that she expected to outrank John B's dad in terms of priorities, especially not for him, but Pope didn't want to come for her? How was she supposed to feel, when she'd spent years calling herself a pogue and that still wasn't enough for them? Even if they figured she was a badass and JJ had it handled and whatever, they still weren't there for her the way Sarah and Rafe were. But if she tried to bring it up, she knew the pogues wouldn't want to hear it or they'd call her a kook again. Stupid kid shit was getting in the way of real life. 

"I know you get the difference," she told JJ. "You got it before the rest of us, even." 

"Right. Because of my shitshow life." 

"I wasn't going to put it like that." 

They were lying on the floor next to each other, looking at Sarah's ceiling as they talked. JJ's shoulder was warm against hers, a couple strands of his hair tickled her ear. He turned his head to look at her, and Kie looked back. "You could," he said, with a smile that fell a little short. 

Kie returned her gaze to the ceiling. "I know Rafe and Topper fucked you guys up. More than once. I'm not saying they didn't, okay, I'm not saying that kooks are all misunderstood and never did anything wrong." 

"Good, because they're not." 

"Believe me, I remember. But." She couldn't figure out how to say her point without invalidating what she'd said just before. 

JJ snagged her hand, hooked his fingers under her bracelets to pull her closer. "He didn't miss a fucking beat, dude. Sarah said you were there and he wanted to leave that exact second. No hesitation. Had to respect it." 

That wasn't something she knew how to respond to, or even how to think about. Rafe, hearing where she was and leading the charge? It was the kind of thing that made her think he was more than she’d figured. "He knew what it was like," Kie said. 

“Yeah. Glad my family never had the money for that bullshit. Dad would’ve sent me in a second. I would’ve come back like those crazy kids who get raised by wolves.” 

“That’s Rafe.”

“Huh,” was all JJ said back for a while. He fixed his grip on her hand, laced their fingers together and held on tight. She half expected him to try and kiss her. Sense memory from last night, partially. And expecting him to follow up on what felt stomach-twistingly inevitable on the island. Everyone paired off - Sarah and John B, Pope and Cleo - and Kie could feel them waiting for her and JJ to turn into something romantic. 

To be honest, she didn’t feel it. Wanted to and didn’t. And JJ wouldn’t even talk about it. 

“Figure you haven’t been over this with Sarah yet,” JJ finally said. “She’s been asking about you. I’ve kept my lips zipped.” 

“You can tell her. I want to talk to her too.” 

“Not the other guys, though.” 

“No. Not yet. I don’t want to risk it.” Guilt made it hard for her to get the words out, so she had to kind of snap it at him. 

JJ reacted how he always did when she was in a bad mood; he snuggled up closer and turned to kiss her shoulder a couple times. “Whatever you say, mama.” 

They always worked well because of how he was nicer when she was meanest. Frustrating when it went the other way, when Kie wanted to be sincere and he couldn’t manage it, but that was just part of the package. They balanced each other out. And even when that meant they were always on the opposite side of the argument, they always had each other’s back. 

That was the only reason she was brave enough to say one more thing to him. “Can you do me a favor?” 

“Anything.” 

“Try and be nice to Rafe. As long as he’s nice to you, could you just…” 

Silence again. House-silence. “Why?” JJ asked. Not a no.

“I don’t know. It felt like he’s never had a friend.” 

“And you think I’m the best person to go first?” 

“I think you’re my best friend, and the best guy I know. So.” 

“Don’t be gross.” JJ let out a deep sigh. “Let’s find the bastard. Come on.” 

It was harder than usual to find him. He wasn’t downstairs anywhere, and didn’t answer when she called. “I don’t know, maybe he’s not home,” Kie was saying when she heard feet on the stairs. She hurried back into the entryway to find Rafe descending the steps. He looked dazed. 

“All good?” JJ asked from behind her. 

“No,” Rafe answered. He kept moving, past them and into the kitchen. His pace was plodding, calm. 

Kie and JJ looked at each other and followed him. “What happened?” Kie asked. She ventured closer to Rafe - worry, yeah, but also the confidence of having JJ at her back. 

Before he answered, Rafe filled a tumbler with whiskey and downed it. It made his eyes water. Or maybe they were already wet. “Nothing, really. Dad was here. Pissed at me. Doesn’t like how I’m doing things. Said he’s taking over.” 

“Taking over? Like coming back here?” 

He didn’t answer that. “You should probably split. Not safe with him around.” He filled the glass again. 

“What about you?” 

“‘M staying.” 

“Hang on,” JJ said then. “I know a thing or two about piece of shit dads, okay, and something the guys have filled me in on is that if it’s not safe for other people to be around the guy it’s not safe for you either.” 

The look Rafe gave him was hard to read. Kie wondered for a moment, if she’d been making up the vulnerability she’d seen in him those moments before. But the grass bracelet was still around his wrist, right up against the Rolex, and he wasn’t telling JJ he was full of shit. “And go where?” Rafe finally said. 

“I don’t fucking know. Last time I saw my dad, I kicked his ass so bad he left town.” 

It was a not-really-joke that lost Rafe’s attention. He looked back at Kie, and something about him seemed like he was sinking and Kie was the lifeboat. “Stop drinking unless you want JJ driving your boat,” she said. Her best idea was pretty loose right now, but it definitely involved taking all of this to Sarah and laying out the pieces to figure them out together. 

All that accomplished was Rafe tossing the recently-returned keys back to JJ, and finishing his second glassful. “Let’s go, then. He’s up to shit.” 

“What kind of shit?” JJ asked immediately. Predictably. 

“I don’t know. He’s fucking pissed I melted the cross down.” 

That was a horrifying string of words. It took several long seconds for Kie to process it, and by then JJ was talking. “Hell yeah. Smart move. Couldn’t sell that thing as is.” 

“Are you kidding me?” Kie said. “It’s irreplaceable.” 

“Don’t you start,” Rafe told her, sounding so annoyed. 

Kie was really too much of a softie because that just made her like him more. It made JJ laugh. She liked anything that made JJ laugh. 

“Come on, dorks,” JJ said. “I’m not usually the designated driver, so I need to bask in the moment.” 

“Yeah. Usually it’s me.” Kie shoved his shoulder as she passed him. “Getting my shoes. One sec.” 

“Don’t get lost!” 

“Bold words, coming from-“ 

He knew what she was going to say, and cut her off with a smile. “Go.”

She went. As she walked away, she heard Rafe ask JJ a question. “How do you two look alike?” 

Even more faintly, she heard JJ’s unreasonably confident response. “It’s the nose.”

It definitely wasn’t their noses. 

Certainly felt more than a little weird for Kie to be taking a problem to kooks. That wasn’t the only thing that was off about this whole thing, but it felt the weirdest. They were the source of the pogue’s problems too often for this to feel right. 

JJ sighed deeply as he brought the boat around to the Thornton dock. “This has to be the worst possible universe.” 

“Worst possible universe is when you’re dead,” Rafe said from where he’d been sullenly sitting most of the ride. He’d taken the rest of the bottle with him, and had almost finished it on the way. No grimace when he sipped.

“Okay. Thank you for that,” Kie muttered.

“Real fucking helpful,” JJ agreed. He steered them right into place and narrated while Kie crouched to tie them to one of the cleats. “Passengers, we have arrived at our destination. Please disembark in an orderly fashion. Rafe. This means you.” 

She heard Rafe’s response indistinctly. “Are we at Top’s?” 

“Five stars for your investigative skills, dude.” 

“When did we say we’re going to Top’s?” 

Kie looked at JJ. “We said it, right?” 

“Maybe we forgot to say it out loud,” JJ determined. 

“Whoops.” Kie planted her hands on her hips and looked at Rafe, who wasn’t even pretending like he meant to get up. “Come on.” 

Obligingly, JJ came over towards her and the dock. Rafe stayed in place. There was something about him that felt like he meant to make things difficult. “Help him,” Kie said before he could. 

“Why do I have to help him?” 

“Because she doesn’t want to get near me,” Rafe answered for her, and let his head loll back. “I’ll stay here.” 

Kie was going to argue that point; she shifted her weight and opened her mouth to argue. But JJ was in her brain as usual, and he knew what she wanted before she did. “Sure you will,” he sighed, and backtracked to pull Rafe to his feet. “This is your asshole kook buddy’s house. You’re coming.” 

The two of them together made Kie’s chest sieze up. A variation on the same feeling as before. Raw. Rafe was too close to what she cared about, and JJ was taking a risk. If Rafe took a swing at JJ she’d never forgive him. 

Though. She wasn’t sure how she could even look at him without already forgiving much worse. 

With Rafe’s arm hanging on tight around JJ’s neck and JJ’s hand around Rafe’s wrist to keep it there, the two of them made it onto dry land. If anyone asked Kie, she would’ve said that she was pretty sure Rafe didn’t need that much help. JJ wasn’t complaining, though. He liked having someone to hold onto. 

Kie led the way towards the Thornton house, trying to project confidence she didn’t totally mean. Her parents didn’t like Topper’s parents, but they could still be here looking for her. They could be almost anywhere. 

“Are they home?” JJ asked. He let go of Rafe - and sure enough Rafe could stand up on his own just fine - to sneak up to the house. Probably to peer in windows.

With a deep breath in, Rafe set his feet and bellowed Sarah’s name loud enough that like, birds startled into the air. “What are you doing!” Kie demanded of him. 

“No, no. He’s onto something,” JJ said, and also shouted with his hands cupped around his mouth. “Eyo, Sarah Cameron!” 

“I am going to kill you both.” Kie backed a step up, towards the boat. If they needed to run she’d be the first out of there. 

Several long seconds passed. “Maybe no one’s home,” JJ said after a second. 

“Top’s car.” Rafe pointed. “They’re here. It’s a big house.” 

He was right. It was just a big house. A lifetime later - like fifteen seconds - one of the back doors slid open and Sarah came out. She and Kie were looking at each other the moment she was in sight. Kie barely noticed Top was there too until he spoke. 

“Please tell me someone isn’t shot or dead,” Topper said, with a lot more sincerity than she would’ve expected given how John B literally beat his face in last week. 

“No,” Rafe answered. “Unfortunately.” 

Sarah glanced at him for a second. “What does that mean?” 

“Dad came to see me.” 

The silence that fell was instantly deafening, a phrase that never made sense to Kie until this second. “Yeah. While we were in the house, I guess,” she said just to say something. 

“Why were you in the house?” Sarah asked, her voice breathless. Topper put a hand on her shoulder, and Kie fought the urge to clench her molars. It wasn’t like Sarah even reached for him. 

“I’ve been staying there,” Kie answered. 

“With Rafe?” 

JJ glanced between Sarah and Kie, his brow furrowed. “Kind of a judgmental tone to that question, there.” 

Now was apparently the perfect time for Topper to jump in. “I think her tone is fine. And I have a question of my own, actually. Where’s your best friend who tried to murder me?” 

JJ’s face remained blank, his hands on his hips. “Who?” 

“John B.” 

“He’s my best friend?” JJ looked at Kie, who shrugged. “Not my Pope, who you almost killed? He’s living it up right now by the way, making sweet, sweet love to a total smoke show. Something I’m sure you have like zero experience with. You’re lucky you didn’t seriously hurt him. That would’ve been a hate crime.” 

“No it wasn’t. That had nothing to do with race,” Topper said defensively. 

“Just class, then?”

Topper clenched his hands into fists. “Where’s John B?” he repeated.

Arms out wide, JJ shrugged. “I dunno.” 

“How do you not know? Aren’t you guys attached at the hip?”

“We were, until he had to go save his dad from the Caribbean treasure-seekers that took him hostage. Duh.” JJ punctured that with a bitchy little gesture, as if that should be obvious. 

The introduction of this plot point was evidently the final straw for Topper. “Oh. Sure. Because that makes sense,” he snapped. “Well, have fun with whatever this is. I’m going inside.” That last bit was directed at Sarah. He waited a beat for her reaction and, when there was none, stomped away even harder. 

Petty, but that made Kie’s heart calm down. Even though she had no reason to be jealous and no real cause either. It wasn’t like Sarah reached for him that much, but Sarah didn’t reach for anyone. Come to think of it she wasn’t very touchy at all. That was a fact Kie couldn’t help but turn over in her head, again and again. She’d chalked it up to her being the outsider, but even with John B Sarah was never the one pulling him close or throwing an arm over his shoulder. Did it mean anything that it was her and Rafe both? Kie couldn’t decide. 

Still. When they all decided to follow Top inside and Kie got a second, she gave Sarah a quick hug. “I’ve been dying to talk about all of this with you. I just needed some time to like, breathe,” she promised. 

Sarah held onto Kie tight. “Okay. How is it, with him?” she asked quietly, and probably only because the guys were far enough away not to hear. 

“Mostly he leaves me alone.” Kie didn’t mean it to be a lie, but then she thought about how she woke up this morning. It just felt so long ago, was the thing. A different day. This one had gotten too full. Couldn't be the same day Rafe shared a bed with her again. 

Maybe something in her tone gave her away anyways, because Sarah asked, “Like in a good way?” 

Kie pulled back to look at her, getting a piece of hair in her mouth as she moved. She pulled it out with a grimace. “Yeah. I mean, I don’t know. I've been so... numb. I guess." 

"Right. I get that," Sarah said. Like she'd been feeling it too. 

"So it's been good that he wasn't pushing me to talk about it, or. Do anything. And it's good, too, because he's... or. I don't feel like he's going to hand me over to my parents. I guess," Kie said slowly, as she thought. 

A breeze came in from over the water, cool and briny. It picked up their hair and moved it gently. Sarah was so blonde, after the time on the island. "Right," she said after a long pause. 

When she was younger, Kie had always been confused about Sarah. So loud around other people and so quiet when the two of them were alone. It felt like Sarah didn't like her, no matter how many times she promised she did. And then when they had that giant friendship-ending fight, at the time it had been total confirmation. Now, though. Knowing Sarah and Rafe both so well now, Kie could draw some different connections. Silence was where both of them retreated to when they didn’t know what to say.

“I’ve been staying in your room,” Kie blurted. 

“Oh.” 

“I hope that’s okay. And not weird.” 

Sarah’s smile was a little sly. “Only weird if you make it weird.” 

“Sure. Or like, if you ever wanted to come back.”

Kie regretted the words as she said them, preemptively. This put weird pressure on Sarah immediately, and that was the last thing Kie wanted. She wanted things to be easy. Sarah felt more likely to stick around that way. Just like Kie these days, to do the thing she didn’t want to basically instantly. 

"I'll think about it," Sarah said after not too long of a pause. Which, Sarah said a lot of things. Particularly if she wanted to make people happy. Kie chose to believe she meant it. 

When they got around to joining the boys inside, Rafe and JJ were sitting at Topper's big dinner table, hands locked together as they both tried to win what seemed like a very serious arm wrestling match. The guys loved doing this. Kie never saw the point. Half the time it seemed like an excuse to touch each other and pretend it was aggressive, and the other half of the time she'd almost rather they'd just punch each other in the face. Quicker. 

Sarah flat-out ignored them; she led Kie back into the kitchen, where Topper was pulling stacks of pyrex out of the fridge. She ducked under Topper's arm to get something, tossed a bottle at Kie from there. Kombucha. She was comfortable around Topper, comfortable here. Obviously she was because she'd been staying here. The first sip made Kie's chest burn, right behind her sternum. 

Behind Kie, JJ groaned and started cursing. He'd lost, she could tell from the sound of him. "Not fair. You're older, first of all. And you have the power of alcohol in your veins."

“Catch up,” Rafe said.

“Do not,” Sarah said over her shoulder towards them. 

It wasn’t the first thing she’d said to him since they got here, but she’d been ignoring him enough in general for it to be notable. Kie looked to see how he’d take it; Rafe shut his mouth, and refused to tell JJ where the liquor was. 

Around then, Topper announced to the room that that snacks were available. And not snacks like Kie was used to - kook snacks went hard. Fresh hummus and veggie sticks, pico de gallo and homemade chips, a berry mix and sun tea. 

“Damn, Top. You can cook?” JJ said. His mouth was already full of like three separate things. 

“No, I didn’t make this. We have a…” Topper sighed in the middle of his sentence. “A chef. A few days a week.” 

He seemed very aware of how poorly this would go over. Maybe that was why all JJ did was groan and roll his eyes and keep eating. 

Actually, they all fell silent for a while to eat. Maybe Topper was onto something. This was a weirdly peaceful moment. All of them around the counter, chewing and zoning out. 

"Where did he find you?" Kie asked Rafe. A vague question, she realized too late, but he knew what she meant. 

"My room. Turned around and he was standing there." 

Kie flicked a look at Sarah and found her examining a pretzel closely, pretending she wasn't even listening. 

"What did he say?" Topper asked. He was standing like an idiot, stance wide and arms crossed. Obviously, he wanted to be the top dog in here. In every room he was in. Kie almost had to pity the desperation. 

Rafe shrugged, but the limpness of his body language seemed like playing dead more than real comfort. "Doesn't like how I'm doing things. So he's coming back to handle it." 

"He can't come back, though. Right?" Sarah's eyes were on her brother right up until he met her gaze. Then she looked back down again. Her hair slipped off her shoulder, half-covering her face. "He's dead. And they all think he killed the sheriff." 

"Is that a jab at me?" Rafe asked. 

“Why would acknowledging the truth be a jab?”

Now that definitely was one. Kie wished she could get in the middle of them. If only the counter wasn’t in the way. “Did you hear him come in?” she asked JJ. 

He shook his head. “Nope.” 

“Moves quiet when he wants to,” Rafe said. “Even with that fucking dumbass cane. Which is why you should leave.” That was directed at Kie, she could tell even without him looking at her. 

“And go where?” Kie asked.

“You could stay here,” Topper suggested, which was nice of him sort of but so totally not an option that she couldn’t even pretend to take it seriously. 

“Thanks,” she said with cutting sarcasm that made that clear. And then just to be safe, she added, “I’m not going anywhere.” 

That wasn’t the end of the conversation. Everyone kept talking around her, about her, and Kie let it happen. She’d been heard by the person she was actually talking to; Rafe was not looking at her in the way she knew meant he was paying attention. 

Eventually, JJ and Sarah argued their way to a standstill, like they always did. That was another thing about the island that Kie hadn’t let herself miss; she got to know the others so well. All the ways they could interact were tread and retread in the month they were there. She’d heard JJ and Sarah argue over less for longer. It almost seemed like a sport to them. At one point Topper tried to get involved, and Sarah shut him down with a gesture. She didn’t need his help winning because she wasn’t even trying to win the fight as much as she and JJ both enjoyed the pure joy of bothering each other. 

When there was a free moment, Rafe addressed his sister. “Dad come to see you?”

“No. Why would he?” 

“Because he loves you more.” 

JJ whistled into the following silence. “Jesus, dude.” 

“No, it’s true.” Topper nodded. “Rafe is absolutely his least favorite child. And not just because your dad forgets he has another daughter half of the time.” 

Harsh truths from Topper. Kie didn’t expect that level of bitch. If she didn’t know any better, it would kind of make her start to come around on him. 

Weird being around them, every single second. Kie could feel the tension, pulled between herself and a version of herself that she hadn’t let herself think about for years. A version she thought was dead, even. But now Kie was starting to think that none of the old hers were ever gone, just nested inside. 

Some more bickering around the snacks. Eventually JJ asked where the bathroom was, and Topper showed him where to go. 

"They're getting along," Sarah said in an undertone when they were out of earshot. 

"Yeah, but I think JJ's playing pretend." Kie dug her thumbnail into a carrot, leaving a perfect little crescent. "I don't think he's actually forgiven anything." 

"Well. Top hasn't apologized either." 

"Not holding my breath for that." 

Deliberate and slow, Rafe pushed himself off the counter, wobbled upright a bit, and went towards the doors. Something about the way he moved made Kie think of a predator. 

Sarah watched him go. Spoke once the door had closed behind him. "He's so weird." Her voice sounded like it got caught in her chest, silenced by an emotion so strong Kie couldn't identify it. Sarah had to clear her throat before she said more. "Do you really feel safe? Staying there with him?"

"I think so. Yeah." More than safe, maybe. Protected. But that felt like the absolute most stupid thing Kie could say to someone Rafe had recently tried to drown and then helped kidnap. “Unless you think I’m wrong,” she said, because she loved Sarah more than peace of mind. 

“I can’t tell you how to feel.” Sarah picked at the edge of the countertop. “He’s… well, I’ve never known what he thinks, I guess. So maybe you get him better than I do.” 

“I doubt that.” 

They gave each other looks, mutually skeptical that the other person meant it. Kie relented first. “Maybe you’re just overthinking it. I don’t think he’s that complicated.” 

The afternoon passed faster than Kie thought it would. Kie and Sarah were sitting outside on Topper’s wraparound porch, talking about nothing important when Sarah’s phone buzzed. “Wheezie?” she read off the screen. “What the fuck.” 

Kie craned her neck to look. “No way. Where is she?” 

“With Rose, I thought. Oh, it’s a voice memo.” She went to push play, but Kie stopped her with a hand over Sarah’s. 

Oh shit. Was that weird? She took her hand away. “Should we get everyone?” Kie asked. Her cheeks felt hot all of a sudden. 

“Oh. Yeah. Good idea,” was all Sarah said.

The five of them clustered around Sarah’s phone was a tight squeeze. Kie was tucked under JJ’s arm. Her shoulder was crowded right up against Sarah’s. The warmth was distracting. For a second Kie almost forgot what was going on here. 

Wheezie’s voice was a little digitally weird. “Hey, Sarah. I know it’s been a while. I ran away. And I have so much to tell you about. Come meet me, I’m sending you a pin.” The pin was below the voice message on the screen. 

Kie looked at Sarah, so up close she could see the faintest freckles. Sarah’s throat moved as she swallowed. “It’s her. Right?” Kie couldn’t tell who she was asking. 

“Save it,” Topper said, and Sarah’s thumb darted over the screen. 

“Yeah. It’s her,” Rafe said. “But she didn’t run away.” 

Sarah couldn’t seem to help her next question. “Are you sure?”

“Am I - yeah, Sarah. I’m sure. Dad would flip his shit. Probably bribed her to send that. Where’s that address?” 

Topper had already googled it and read the answer off his phone. “Apartment building ten minutes away. Voter registration doesn’t have anyone there, so. Totally possible your dad rented it.” 

“I bet he did. Wants to win you back,” Rafe told Sarah. 

JJ let a low whistle out and backed out of the tight circle to pace the porch. His hair was bright even in the shade. Topper took a step back too, and started doing something on his phone very intently. 

“Win me back,” Sarah scoffed. “Please. I’m not a trophy.” 

“You know what I mean.” 

“No, I don’t.” 

As if in response, Rafe looked at Kie. Like she had the answers, somehow. Rafe’s response was clumsy. “He’s gonna try and convince you he’s not that bad, and you’re gonna fall for it and then he’s gonna kidnap you again.” 

Sarah blinked and flipped her hair over her shoulder in a way that told Kie that her response was about to be withering. “Okay. Well, even if that’s true. Why would that be less safe than here with you, who’s done worse?”

He didn’t know what to say. Again, his eyes darted around. To Topper, and then to Kie. “Because it is,” he said, like an idiot. 

Because she couldn’t bear the sight of this anymore, Kie mouthed an answer at him. Say sorry. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught how Sarah’s eyes flicked over, maybe just in time to catch it. 

"Jesus, do I have to get down on my knees?" Rafe burst out. In response to her, but anybody else would think it was directed at Sarah. It was not lost on her, how his suggestion now was what he'd tried with Kie before. "I'm sorry, Sarah. I'm so sorry about what an awful person I am." 

"Fuck you," Sarah said. 

Again Rafe looked at Kie, and this time Sarah definitely caught it. But whatever, Kie didn't have anything to feel guilty about. She gave him a get serious kind of look, and he rolled his eyes so hard his whole head went with it. Kie had less than no idea what that meant. Why was it harder to apologize to his sister than it had been to say it to her? Was it just the life and death of everything before? He didn't have anything to say to Sarah, it seemed, and Kie was at a loss. 

"You want to know what I really think of my brother?" Sarah said out of nowhere. She crossed her arms and stood facing Kie, her back to Rafe like she wasn't worried he might put a knife in it. 

"What?" Kie asked obligingly. 

"I think he's mean. And he's growing up to be just like Dad."

Behind her, Rafe shook his head. "That's not fair, Sarah." 

"Fuck you. Get away from me." 

"Well, I'm not fucking going." 

"Right. Because you're too bad of a shot to kill me from a distance. Need to stay up close. Drowning distance." 

Rafe threw his hands up. "I wasn't trying to kill you!" 

Around then was when Topper, who'd been looking increasingly uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was going, decided to step in. He put his big dumb arms between the two of them like he thought that they were going to try and lunge for each other. More proof he didn't really know Sarah. She would never try and fight anybody. She was a runner. 

Sure enough, Sarah took off the second after Kie had that thought. Down the steps into the grass and around the side of the house out of sight, she moved in a flash. Here and not here.

"You're an idiot," Kie told Rafe. "You have to try and apologize better than that."

"And say what?" Topper was still between them; Rafe met her eyes over Topper's shoulder. “That Dad got in my head, I was trying to protect him. I didn't want to hurt her." 

"Say that." 

"Please. Like she cares." 

This was pointless. Rafe was a brick wall, and Sarah was so much more important that Kie couldn't waste any more time on this. She left too, headed down the stairs and across the yard after Sarah. 

JJ was at the corner railing, leaning onto his forearms and staring off. "She's behind the shed," he said as Kie passed him. It felt like he was in her brain, as always. Knowing what she needed and giving it to her whenever he could. Home was wherever he was, Kie decided, because that was the only reason this place felt so comfortable today. 

The shed was as fancy as the rest of this place. Crisp roof that matched the house, clean siding. Sarah was sitting against the back of it, head against the wall. 

Kie lowered herself down next to Sarah. The grass under her was soft, not the spiky shit she was used to. Of course the Thorntons even had fancy grass. “For real. How do you feel?” 

“Scared,” Sarah said loudly. “I’m scared. And I don’t think he cares, so whatever.” 

Kie was pretty sure that wasn’t true. She had a hunch Rafe wanted to get it right more than almost anything. Not more than he was scared of getting it wrong, though. And that wasn’t enough for her to tell Sarah, her absolute oldest friend, that she shouldn’t trust her gut on this. Rafe had hurt her. Bad. A couple times. So Kie just sat with her. 

Eventually, someone else rounded the corner. Topper, with Rafe several steps behind. "My client would like a few words," Topper said solemnly. 

“Well, he can fuck off,” Sarah said. 

“I’m not doing that, Sarah,” Rafe said in his stupid stubborn voice. “Dad’s around. No splitting up.” 

“Since fucking when?”

Kie looked at Topper, who was still standing between the two siblings. “My client needs some more time,” she said. 

“Right.” Topper seemed to realize he was looming over them, and sat as he talked. “I think it’s just the opinion of my client that time is kind of the essence.” 

“Why?” 

“Because,” Rafe began. 

Sarah snapped at him. “Sit down.” 

He did, and kept talking. “Because Dad’s moving fast. If you don’t answer soon, he’ll know something’s up. So you need to decide what that answer is.” 

“And you have an idea for what that answer should be,” Kie said dubiously. 

Topper put an arm out to stop Rafe before he said something. “I think that my client would like to come up with that together. Cooperation from the witness would be very appreciated.” 

“I’m the witness?” Sarah interjected. 

“Well he’s definitely the defendant,” Topper said. And that was absolutely true. Kie had to give that to him.  

After a moment of whispered consultation, Sarah gave Kie the power to do some negotiating. “She’ll go and report back,” Kie suggested for starters. 

“I think we’re more inclined to think she shouldn’t go at all,” Topper answered. 

Part of Kie was annoyed for the conversation to not be over at this point. Like, okay. They’d both said what they’d wanted, and Sarah needed space to make up her mind. Duh. Go away. But Topper stayed right where he was, and Rafe did too behind him. The four of them, sitting in the grass like kids. 

She’d been here before. As a kid. Not here exactly - or, maybe here, but she’d been crawling around in the grass with these people specifically. Kie remembered now. Them and a few others, after school on Thursdays. They’d been running around on all fours, pretending to be horses until Topper’s mom got annoyed with all the neighing. 

“Okay,” Topper said. “So let’s work on a plea deal.” 

Deep sigh from Sarah. “You’re not a lawyer just because your dad is, dummy,” she told him, and finally looked at her brother. “Why would I do what you say? Ever.” 

Before answering, he glanced at Kie. This time it seemed to be Sarah’s final straw. “Why do you keep looking at her? She’s my friend.”

“I don’t know,” Rafe said back. Sounded like he thought he was in trouble. 

“Yes you do.” 

“No I don’t.” 

Sarah must've been able to hear the same thing Kie did - he wasn't giving in. So she lasered in on Kie next, turning to look at her full-on. "Do you trust him? For real? Or is this some guilt thing because he helped us save you."

The feeling reminded Kie of that mansion, of Singh holding them over each other’s heads. In a smaller way, his fate was in her hands again. 

“It’s not guilt,” Kie said for starters, but found trying to put into words exactly what it was was terrifyingly out of reach. It was unspoken, first of all. It was a feeling she was relying on, and saying it out loud would ruin it. 

“You saved us,” Rafe said in the silence. That was directed at Sarah. “You and JJ. I didn’t do shit.” 

“Stop talking,” Topper said, which was only more proof that he didn’t know Sarah at all because this was the first thing Rafe had said all day that Sarah was paying any real attention to. 

Maybe Rafe knew that too. He kept talking. “Wouldn’t have gotten out of Singh’s without Kiara, either.” 

“So what?” Sarah said sharply. “So you’re useless?” 

He shrugged. “Maybe.” 

It was just so fucking weird, to watch the two of them argue and know both of them better than they knew each other. They knew just enough to push on bruises. 

Kie made herself look Sarah right in the eyes and asked, “Could you guys do me a favor, for a second, and just talk to each other like you talk to me? Not like you both have a gun to your head?”

“He literally had a gun pointed at me,” Sarah said. 

“That was a mistake.” Rafe was picking at the seam on one of his shoes. “It was wrong. I shouldn’t have done it.” Like he always did with Kie, when Sarah had nothing to say Rafe kept going. “Any of it. He can, like. Get in my head. I didn’t know what I was doing, I just knew I was making him happy. And I am sorry. Even if you don’t believe it.” 

For a second, Kie thought she made a mistake and that this apology was going to make everything worse. Sarah didn’t say anything, and Rafe started ripping up grass around his feet. 

“That’s dumb,” Sarah finally said. 

“Okay.” 

“If you do it again I’m never talking to you.” 

Rafe nodded, and hunched his shoulders. “We’ve gotta stay away from him, then.” 

“No. You’ve got to. He gets in your head. I’m going to go see him so he thinks he can separate us,” Sarah said, and pulled out her phone. 

The moment she had it out, Topper reached for it. “Hang on.” 

“I’ll do what I want.” 

“Don’t touch her,” Kie said at the same time. 

Topper did not pull back like Rafe did when she said these things to him. He gave Kie and Sarah a frustrated scowl. "I'm just not sure you should see him. He's dangerous." 

Behind him, Rafe snorted and pushed himself up to his feet. "Sarah's a big girl. She can handle herself." 

The girls let him help them up. First Sarah, then Kie. Normal, unremarkable. Rafe helped Topper up, too, a lot rougher. They ended up sort of wrestling, and Sarah and Kie left them to it. “That’s how he talks to you?” Sarah said quietly. 

“Most of the time, yeah.” 

“I guess I haven’t spoken to just him much,” Sarah said, mostly to herself. “It’s always been like, one thing or another. Or Dad.” 

Sure, their dad was always pulling strings and whatever. But the thing was, it seemed hard to have a brother or sister. A sibling. Kie didn’t have any experience with it, which had to be part of the reason she thought it sounded impossible. But. Having someone around who knew all the worst parts of you, embarrassing shit and times you were at your most tired and cranky and mean. Hell, she could hardly handle JJ around sometimes and he was the closest she had. 

Speaking of. JJ was waiting for them up on the porch, chewing on a piece of grass for some reason. He regarded them with narrowed eyes. “Well?” he asked as they got closer. 

“I’m going to meet him,” Sarah said. 

“I’m coming with. I’ll wait in the car,” he added when Sarah started to argue the point. “You’re not going alone. And nobody else should be seen. They see Top, and they’ll find you. Rafe and Kie are laying low. Rest of the Pogues are spoken for. It’s me.”

“Oh my god,” Kie said after a second. “Wait, what’s going on with John B’s dad?” 

That explanation took a while. She’d missed a lot, apparently. Pope and Cleo were together now, and mega grounded. Big John had left everyone else behind to look for El Dorado and ended up with a crushed leg and an infection bad enough that he was still in a Brazilian hospital. Apparently John B had been sending three daily updates every day, and nobody but JJ was even reacting to them. For once, Kie was honestly glad not to have a phone. 

“You know, the only reason they let him leave the country was because I didn’t press charges,” Topper said. 

"Awesome. Totally makes up for everything else you've done," JJ said breezily, and moved on before anyone could argue back. "Let's go. Before he gets sus." 

While the two of them were off on that particular adventure, Rafe fell asleep on the big sectional couch. Face down, one arm hanging off. Sleeping off the liquor probably. Topper went to work out and shower while nothing was happening, and with him busy and far away Kie ended up falling asleep too. On the same couch as Rafe, opposite side, nestled in the corner and sort of sitting up. 

She woke up to JJ snuggling in next to her, sliding his arms around her and putting his head down on her shoulder. "Hey. All good, we're back.”

"Where's Sarah?” she asked. 

Sarah was right here, climbing up to sit on the back of the couch to sit with her feet tucked under Kie's side. When she leaned over, her long hair tickled Kie's forehead. "Right here, babe,” she said, and took one of Kie’s hands to link with hers. 

“How was it? What did he say?” 

“Same bullshit. Wants me to come back to him. I said leave me alone.” Her shrug wanted to communicate that it was all done, but Kie knew better than to believe it. Nothing was ever simple with Sarah’s dad. 

JJ nestled in closer. “She was in and out in like three minutes. It really was that fast.” 

“Good. I missed you.” Kie scooted over to give Sarah more room, and Sarah slid down the back of the couch to sit with her legs over Kie and JJ. Couldn’t be comfortable, but she settled in pretty fast. And then the three of them were just here in a pile. 

“Missed you,” Sarah echoed quietly. She’d kept Kie’s hand. “I think we should come back with you.” 

“Who we?” 

“Me and JJ.” 

At that, JJ sighed into Kie’s neck which was honestly gross and made her shiver. “Please. I told you I’m good.” 

“You’re squatting in John B’s house,” Sarah pointed out. “And you sure as hell don’t want to be around Big John, right.” 

“I don’t know why you’d say that.” 

“Tell me I’m wrong.” 

Kie loved when Sarah got like that, all in charge. Her eyes always got so sharp, like precious stones. “I’d never do that,” Kie said, and squeezed Sarah’s hand. 

So Sarah and JJ both came home with them from Topper’s. Obviously, Sarah got her room back now that she was back, so Kie and JJ took up together in a spare room down the hall. Close enough to hear Rafe or Sarah shout, if it came to that. Both of them were adamant that their dad wouldn't do anything in the middle of the night. Unsportsmanlike, or something. Kie didn't pretend to understand their fucked up family. 

"Well, I'm a light sleeper," JJ said. "Just give a holler." 

He'd brought a dusty backpack in with him, full of clothes that Kie made him go wash first thing. Sun-baked T-shirts and socks and shorts emerged from the dryer softer and smelling cozy. Kie loved him when they were gross, covered in mud or soaked to the bone, but it was a special kind of nice to cuddle up with him clean in bed. 

"It's been hard to sleep alone," he murmured.

"I know. Me too. Maybe you could stay," she answered back, but JJ was asleep before she stopped talking. And a few days later, when John B announced their imminent return, Kie couldn't bring herself to ask again. John B needed JJ more than she did. His dad wasn't going to be able to walk for months, and they didn't have any money to hire a nurse or something. She couldn’t compete with that. 

The first night he was gone the loneliness took her by surprise. She didn’t expect it to be so hungry, to gnaw in her chest like this. Kie went to Sarah’s room after she was ready for bed. She knocked on the doorframe - knocked in their rhythm, and remembered how it sounded from the other side. When Rafe did it. 

“Hey,” Sarah said with a smile when she saw her. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah. I’m still not used to sleeping inside. Alone,” Kie answered awkwardly. “Could we…” 

“Get in here, girl.” Sarah scooted over to one side of the bed, making room before Kie started moving. The big goofy smile on her face gave Kie the strength to snuggle in next to her. To wrap her arms around Sarah. Sarah even put her head down on Kie’s shoulder. “It’s weird, y’know. Smells like you, a little.” 

Kie’s face was warm. “Ditto.” 

“Did you go through my underwear drawer and stuff?” Sarah asked in a conspiratorial tone. “Find anything juicy?” 

“Um, no, I obviously respected your privacy. Duh.” 

“You didn’t have to,” Sarah said. And that was like, so beyond something Kie knew how to answer that she ended up not saying anything back. Not moving either, in case moving would make Sarah notice how close they were still. Kie’s cheek was pressed against Sarah’s hair. 

As the silence drew out, Kie’s senses seemed to sharpen. She couldn’t help but be aware of where her hands were pressed against Sarah’s side, the warmth there. It smelled like those wax melts Sarah always had going, strong and fresh. If Kie turned she’d probably see the wax melter on in the corner. 

Eventually, Sarah let out a deep breath. “It is pretty cool to be home. Topper snores. And his pillows are all way too thick.” 

“To support his giant head.” 

“Oh my god. Right? It’s massive.” Sarah giggled, and then sobered after a bit. “And he kept trying to talk me into giving us another chance. So that was a lot.” 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah. But I told him, like. I wasn’t coming with him. I have all you guys, I’m not just fucking off to the Caribbean because he wants to play perfect family.” Kie felt Sarah look at her from up close, her eyes a few inches from the side of Kie’s face. “I’m not leaving you.” 

“Me neither. Not ever again,” Kie promised. 

One of them linked hands with the other - who could tell who, definitely not Kie. Either way they were holding hands, and Sarah dropped her head down on Kie’s shoulder, too. 

This was the closest they’d been in so long. Maybe forever, or whatever felt like that. As long as Kie could remember. She was so conscious of the position of their arms and hands, of how Sarah felt to hold. It could be nice, to get closer. To kiss her, even. Not the first time as she’d thought about it, either. Something about now felt more substantive than any of the other times, though. Like something she’d be able to do. 

“You should stay in here still,” Sarah said. “If you’re comfortable. You know. I’d hate for you to feel kicked out.”

“I mean. If you don’t mind.” 

“Nope.” 

“Cool.” 

“Super cool.” 

The awkwardness was simmering, just about to boil over. Something would Happen, Kie could just feel it. 

So of course Rafe walked in. "What are you guys doing?" 

"Nothing. Go away," Sarah said. 

He didn't. He jumped into bed with them, landing directly on both of their legs and jostling them apart. That was probably part of why Kie kicked him off so savagely. She felt bad a moment later, but Rafe didn't seem to mind at least. He just settled in on the foot of the bed between them and poked Sarah's knee. "Thinking 'bout changing the locks." 

"Okay," Sarah said, condescendingly slow. 

"It'll only work if Dad can't get ahold of the new keys." 

"Duh." 

"So I'm gonna do it myself. And I’m gonna make three keys. So if Dad gets in again-“ 

Sarah interrupted. “I’m not the one who has trouble saying no to him. I won’t let him in.” 

It felt sort of like a low blow, even if it was true. But Rafe still didn’t take that wrong. He nodded slowly, and crossed his legs to hold onto his ankles. “You’re never gonna trust me again, are you,” he said. Not mad. 

“I don’t know,” Sarah answered. “I don’t know how to.” 

Rafe nodded. For just a sec, they were sitting there in silence. The three of them sharing the same air. Kie’s heart hurt. 

“Okay, so we try and figure it out?” Rafe asked. 

“I’ve got a better idea,” Kie said. 

The idea was JJ, like it usually was. He popped by a couple days later with his box of random junk he called tools and a hat on backwards, looking every inch the sexy handyman. “Yeah, I’ve rekeyed a few doors in my time,” he said thoughtfully. Then he left. 

“Getting parts,” Kie explained to Rafe, who was watching all of that with his arms crossed. 

“Did he tell you via a psychic link, or something?” Rafe asked crossly. He was being cranky today, and that meant unusually talkative. 

“I just know. Do you not want him doing this?” 

Rafe shrugged dramatically.

“He won’t sell us out.” 

“Did I say he would?” 

“You could try saying something, so I wouldn’t have to guess.” 

“Who said you had to guess?” 

Like she’d thought however many times before, Kie thought again. Not that complicated. Rafe was an asshole because he didn’t know how to be a person, and asshole was easier. 

Kie rolled her eyes at him and went inside, knowing he’d follow. Which he did, and he bothered her until Sarah stepped in and scolded him. Kie had the sneaking suspicion that was what he’d wanted all along. He didn’t seem to know how to ask his sister to talk to him otherwise. 

There was something to the fact that Kie had met him under circumstances where talking wasn’t really that important. Action was all that counted, and all she needed at first. Him tackling the guard to the floor, him at her side or at her back or right in front of her. Just like on the island, when she and JJ could spend six hours next to each other, braiding together palm fronds to make a makeshift roof. No words needed. 

JJ made it back about an hour later, plastic bag in hand. He fit the new lock to the front door in fifteen minutes or so, and then started circling the house. 

“Too many fucking doors in this house,” he commented while he was working on the third one. When Kie didn’t say anything to that, he stopped what he was doing to look at her. “Hey. Mama. You hear me? What’s on your mind?” 

It was just the two of them out here. Kie wasn’t sure she’d be able to say it otherwise. “Jay. Do you think about the island?” 

“What about it?” 

“All of it.” 

JJ wiped his forehead and swiped his hair back, squinted at her.  “Uh. Well, yeah. Why, do you?” 

“Yeah, and it makes me feel crazy.” 

“You’re not crazy.” 

“Right, but that’s not what I’m saying.” 

“Have you thought about trying to say what you’re saying?” 

Kie flipped him off, and JJ laughed in a way that seemed to imply that was what he was going for. “I’m not saying it was a good time. I know we were starving, and sunburnt most of the time and by the end of it, pretty fucking gross. But I’d never… I don’t know. It was good too.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Being around you guys all the time. No parents.” 

JJ let out a snort. “Well. Of course you loved that.” 

Right? Right. Of course. Kie repeated that to herself. It was obvious because it was obvious. She liked being there because there was a freedom that she didn’t get before. Maybe she needed the whole camp thing to make it clear, but. “My parents are pretty strict,” she said out loud. 

“No shit, dude.” 

“I don’t think I want to see them again. Ever.” 

“Solid decision. Got your back on that.” Something clicked into place, and JJ straightened up. “Okay, there it is. Onto the next.” 

He took off, and Kie got to her feet to follow. Next was a side door, not on the wraparound porch. They’d have to double back for the stairs. Instead, JJ tossed his tools over the railing and jumped over after them. “This place is too damn big,” he said over his shoulder. 

Yeah. It really was. Sarah came to find them a little while later and said something like the same thing. “It felt like I could go days without seeing anybody, when I was a kid,” she said, kind of to herself. 

“Honestly would you even want to see anybody here?” JJ asked. 

“Barely,” Sarah scoffed. “Rose was always a little psycho. I hated being around her.” Sarah had dragged chairs over for her and Kie, and then had abandoned her chair to sit on the arm of Kie’s. It couldn’t be comfortable. They were in the shade, up on the porch again on the other side of the house. Sarah’s hair was spilling over onto Kie’s shoulder, distracting and silken soft. 

JJ kept the conversation going. “Psycho how?”

“Psycho like always trying to put me in a dress.” 

“Oh, how hard. Your evil stepmother wanted to buy you clothes. I’m sure you cried about it every night.” JJ threw in an eye roll for good measure. 

“Shut up.” Sarah glared. “It wasn’t like that.” 

“He’s being a shit, he doesn’t mean it.” Kie said. 

As she was speaking, Rafe snuck out to join them. Or he wasn’t really sneaking - couldn’t, since they could see him the whole time. It just seemed like he thought they’d tell him to go away if they noticed he was here. He tensed when Sarah spoke to him. “Rose was bad, right? Help me explain.” More order than ask. 

Rafe’s eyes went from Sarah around to the rest of them. “I’m not the guy you want to ask. She always hated me.” 

“That’s why I’m asking you. It’s not like I loved her either.” 

“Couldn’t tell from how you acted.” 

“Sorry I wasn’t mean enough to her for you.“ 

As the siblings argued, JJ had gradually stopped working on the lock to watch them, eyes darting back and forth. “Sorry, just jumping in,” he said then. “But are you really arguing over how both of you didn’t like her?” 

That snapped both of them out of it. Sarah laughed, and Rafe rolled his eyes. “Feeling was pretty mutual,” he said defensively. “She didn’t like us either. Fucking… reminders of Mom.” 

Sarah nodded. “She hated talking about Mom. Almost as much as Dad did.”

With that agreement reached, Rafe came over and leaned against the porch railing sort of near Kie and Sarah. “She picked at everything. Nobody could do nothing right.” 

“Thank you,” Sarah said with feeling. “She didn’t just want to buy me nice things, she wanted to make me look like whatever she wanted.” 

“Locked you up if you didn’t,” Rafe added on. 

Kie looked at Sarah to check the truth of that. “Like, you got grounded?” 

“Yeah.” Sarah shrugged. 

“Having parents sounds like it sucks,” JJ said brightly, and he shut the door to test the handle. “Y’all should try deciding you’re orphans.” The door stayed firmly shut. 

Rafe’s answer was quiet enough Kie almost missed it. “Hard when he keeps breaking in.” 

“Not anymore,” Sarah mumbled back. 

When JJ finished the final door, he passed out the keys. One to Sarah, who hung onto it. One to Rafe, who put it on his keyring. And the last one to Kie. JJ waited for her to unclasp one of her necklaces, and she strung it onto the thick chain around her neck. 

“May I also suggest a buddy system?” JJ said. “Can’t get caught alone if you’re not alone and all that.” 

“Oh yeah? Tried that with Big John?” Sarah asked. Just straight up asked, when Kie was ready to content herself with just thinking it. The advice did seem suspiciously thought-through, for him. 

JJ gave her a look. “Obviously, I am not talking about any situation besides the one we’re discussing right now. But. Hypothetically.” 

“Hypothetically,” Kie repeated encouragingly. 

“It’s a whole thing. And Pope’s still so mega grounded, he and Cleo can’t help out.” 

“Boo,” Sarah sighed. 

“And if John B and I might happen to end up being in the same room most of the time, so be it,” JJ added quickly. “No big deal. Let’s actually never talk about it again.” 

He didn’t make a lot of requests like that, so Kie made sure to listen. Instead of making anymore digs about Big John, she helped him tell the story about how the pogues took a Coast Guard boat for a joyride two summers ago, and then loaded him up with food from the Camerons’ fridge before he left. 

The moment the door shut behind him, Sarah said, “Should we have offered to help?” 

“Absolutely not,” Kie said firmly. “No. You do not have to get near Big John again, you said he was weird to you.” 

“Weird how?” Rafe asked. 

Kie was more than a little surprised when Sarah answered. “Like he thought I was trying to steal his son. And also steal his gold. And not to be rude, but I’m sort of getting the impression John B really had some rose-colored glasses on. The guy he described is not that guy.” That last bit was towards Kie. 

“No, totally,” Kie agreed. 

“Did you know him before?” Sarah had drifted closer to Kie; now she wrapped her arm over Kie’s shoulders. 

The next inhale was hard. Sarah’s hair was tickling Kie’s arm, Sarah’s hand was wrapped around her arm, and the smell of her body wash was all Kie could think about for a second. “Not really. John B always worshipped him, but.” 

“You didn’t?” 

No, Kie didn’t. Honestly, she couldn’t really stand being around him because everything about him set her instincts on edge. It felt stupid to try and say it out loud, but she tried. And Sarah and Rafe were nice enough not to tell her if she sounded crazy. 

God. Kie’s parents had to know she’d run away by now, had to be looking. Unless they decided to give up on her. Or unless they knew where she was, and were just lulling her into a false sense of security. 

“Can I spend the night with you?” she asked Sarah. 

“Please. You don’t even need to ask,” Sarah promised, and hugged her tight. 

So after the sun had set, its last reflections fading from the surface of the sea, Kie changed into her pajamas and went down the hall to Sarah’s room. She was ready to play it off if she had to. 

“Hey, didn’t change your mind?” Sarah smiled when she saw her. 

“No way. I love you.” The words tumbled out of her mouth, and the moment they were out she wanted to shove them back in. She didn’t mean to say that. 

Sarah’s smile just grew. “Okay, good.” She held an arm out and pulled Kie in against her as soon as Kie was close enough. “Got you something.” 

“What? Why?” 

“Because.” Sarah leaned away for a second, off the edge and grabbed something off the floor. A floss caddy, full of bright embroidery threads wrapped around little spools. “Rose had an embroidery phase. Figured she won’t miss ‘em.” 

Nothing Kie could think to say would mean as much as this gift meant to her, so tightly as she could Kie hugged her. “Thanks, Sarah,” she murmured. 

“You gotta make me another one, though.” 

“Promise.” 

Holding her, sharing a bed - everything with Sarah felt right. Like, Kie could finally relax, knowing everything she needed was right here next to her and nobody could take it away without her knowing. And now that they were here again, Kie thought about it again, too. Kissing her. Laying her down, and- 

There was a knock on the doorframe. The pattern that meant them, safe. It was Rafe, obviously. Annoyingly. “What’re you doing?” he said in his dumb deep voice. 

“Nothing,” Kie told him. 

“Bullshit.” 

“Girl stuff,” Sarah said. 

“I want in.” 

Gross. No way. But Rafe didn’t wait for their approval to hop in bed again. Like before. Always getting in the middle of them for no fucking reason. “You’re really gonna make me sleep alone?” Rafe asked in a very forlorn way. 

“Yeah,” Sarah said. 

“This isn’t a three-person bed,” Kie added. 

Somehow, he still ended up sleeping on an air mattress on the floor, in front of the closed door. Anyone who tried to open it would knock right into him. It felt kind of like overkill. Kie probably slept better for having him there anyways, even if the first hour of it was lying next to Sarah in paper-thin denial. 

She loved her, obviously. It was normal to love a best friend. But also, she loved her way more than that. Acknowledging it was making it only a matter of time until she had to do something about it, so Kie had been putting it off. Here, though. With Sarah’s seashell nightlight and Sarah’s hair on the pillow next to hers. No more denying it. Kie was in love. 

-

Dad texted her to meet him outside. Very mundane, very dumb. Very him. She left Kie inside for her own safety. Dad had asked for only Sarah and Rafe, so just the two of them went. It felt like walking each other to an execution. 

The calm part of the conversation was over pretty quickly when Rafe pulled out a gun. He wanted to shoot Dad. They all found out he couldn’t together. Sarah didn’t know how she knew, or how she knew when Dad revealed a revolver of his own that he would pull the trigger the first shot he had at Rafe’s vitals. The knowledge was just in her bones.

Sarah was behind her brother and needed to be in front of him. When she moved, Dad moved. He knocked Rafe down, and the gun fell from Rafe’s hand on the way. Dad would shoot him. She had to stop that from happening. 

Her foot hit the deck with wood-shaking urgency. She shoved Dad backwards, toppling him. Kept her balance from sheer force of will. She reached down to scrabble for Rafe’s gun. He put it into her hand.

“Sarah, what are you doing?” Dad asked. God, he sounded sad. He was great at sounding all kinds of ways. 

“Drop the gun or I’ll shoot,” Sarah told him. Gave him every opportunity. She still couldn’t pull the trigger until he did first, but when she did she made it count. Dad staggered backwards, fell, and Sarah could finally breathe. 

-

Kie was up in Sarah’s room, safely curled up on the floor of the closet. She took the floss kit with her and made three full bracelets before Sarah came to get her. 

“Hey,” Sarah said as she opened the closet door, and Kie’s heart skipped a beat. “They’re gone. We’re good.”

“You’re good?” 

“Yeah.” Sarah stood in the closet doorway, hands on her hips. She was scrubbed clean, freshly soapy-smelling. She was wearing a big T-shirt and shorts Kie didn’t recognize. “Yeah, the sheriff believed us. But the boathouse is a crime scene for now.” There was something in her voice. She wasn’t okay. Of course she wasn’t.

Kie knew just what it was like, to have the world feel suddenly so much bigger and emptier and barren. The words to make it feel better were far enough beyond her to be basically imaginary. So instead she held out one of the bracelets she’d just made. Gold and blue and white. The colors of the summer, and Sarah, and them. “This one’s for you.” 

“Oh my god, love it. Tie it on me?” 

The way she said she loved it before she looked at it close would’ve made Kie doubtful, except that once it was on her wrist Sarah took a long moment to look at it closer. She’d knelt down to get nearer, and Kie caught herself looking. 

Then Sarah caught her too. Her eyes flicked up, and the same feeling as before took Kie over. This was swelling up between them, solid and real, and then Sarah’s lips crashed into hers. 

It was everything Kie thought it would be and more. Lasted an eternity and felt like eating a firework. Sarah was here, right here, and when she pulled back it already felt unfamiliar for her to be that far away. Kie felt dazed.

“Sorry,” Sarah said. Her face was hard to see, backlit by the light of the room. “I just. Had to do that.” 

“You could do it again. If you wanted.” 

“Yeah?”

Kie nodded. “I’ve been wishing you’d do that for like, forever.” 

They heard footsteps on the stairs and tensed up. Just Rafe again, Rafe getting in the middle of them because it seemed like he thought they’d forget him otherwise. “Gotta say, sis, playing dumb was a great idea,” he said loudly on his way in. 

Sarah cleared her throat awkwardly and turned to face where he would be. She didn’t move any further way from Kie, though, just around her. That was how Rafe saw them, pressed together amongst the shirts. “Of course it’s a good idea,” Sarah said. “We’re all over that boathouse anyway. And it was easy to cry like that.” 

“I don’t think I’ve ever cried like that,” Rafe said. He was only still in the doorway a moment before he came in too, and sat on the floor between flowery skirts. The weight of his eyes on Kie made her aware of Sarah’s arms around her, Sarah’s head on her shoulder. He was in new clothes too, preppy and bright. Kie wondered if he’d used his classic too-dumb-to-be-evil routine. 

The three of them in that closet made the air close, all of a sudden. Intimate, like a bunker. 

“So they bought it,” Kie said, to get them talking. She started another bracelet, just for something to do. 

“For now,” Sarah said. 

Rafe bobbed his head yes, too. “They’ll be back with questions, probably. Once Rose gets her nose in there. But all that shit’s in the fucking swamp, so good fucking luck.”

“I can’t imagine they want to look too close at the dead guy who wasn’t dead turning up dead, right?” Kie asked. 

“Hope not,” Rafe said.

Nothing from Sarah, who just hugged Kie closer. Kie wanted desperately to be able to talk about what had just happened a minute ago without Rafe there. Just her and Sarah, the two of them the only people in the world who understood both sides. But Rafe was clingy that night - probably the whole watching his dad die thing - so whatever Kie and Sarah had become would have to wait to be explained.

Funerals were weird. It was Kie's first one. She never wore all black except in orchestra or whatever. Never stepped foot into a church. Never walked into a building holding Sarah's hand before today - though, it still wasn't clear to Kie if it was in a grieving way or the way that meant their kiss had meant something. 

It probably meant something. Sarah wasn't holding Topper's hand, after all.

Most of the town was there, probably because they wanted to know if it was real this time. Kie’s parents were there. Kie saw them see her, and she froze so completely Sarah asked what was wrong. 

Nothing was wrong. Really, nothing was. No one was close enough to hurt her. Her parents were near the back and Kie was up at the front with the Cameron family. 

Rafe must’ve been listening, because when Kie pointed out her parents to Sarah, Rafe chimed in from the other side. In his somber black suit and squeaky shoes, he told her, “If your folks come over here I’ll piledrive ‘em.”

“You will not.” Kie rolled her eyes. 

“I will. I killed my dad.” 

“You did not,” Sarah snapped, leaning to look at him around Kie. “And I would know, since I actually killed him.” 

That earned them some looks from the aunts and uncles and cousins around them. Topper quickly intervened. “She’s kidding,” he promised from the pew behind them, and set reassuring hands on Rafe’s shoulders. “They’re both kidding. Grief, you know? Crazy.” Which did something to ease the looks they were getting, but Kie had a feeling Rafe got those looks most of the time anyways. 

Pews filled with mostly strangers, all somber. Kie kept looking back, even when she lost track of where her parents were sitting, because as many people were there none of them were pogues. Not that Kie cared, but Sarah obviously did. She kept looking up sharply every time someone approached, and then looking back down at the floor. 

Then, the next time Kie looked back she made eye contact with Pope. He’d come with Cleo and his parents. So at least somebody was here. 

Rose and Wheezie got there right on time and sat on the other side of the center aisle. That was clearly pointed; Rose made no eye contact with her other stepchildren. Wheezie waved, before Rose yanked her arm down. 

The doors in the back closed with a heavy bang, the following silence filled with rustling and the sounds of people settling in. Then Kie heard Topper greet someone awkwardly. “Hey, dude. Nice to see you.” 

“Not that nice,” JJ whispered back, and patted Kie on the back of the head. Then the eulogies started, and Kie zoned out. 

She didn’t really give a shit about Sarah’s dad and what a great person he was according to Rose, or any of the half dozen family members that spoke too. She didn’t need to know what kind of kid he was, or how much they’d miss him. He’d pointed a gun at both of his kids, and there was no doubt in Kie’s mind that he would’ve killed her if she got in his way. That wasn’t someone she needed to grieve. 

But Sarah obviously felt a little more conflicted. She’d cried all morning getting ready. She was dry-eyed now. Rafe actually spilled more tears than Sarah, which Kie did her best to ignore. It was awkward for her. She didn’t want to go where her mind would go. 

Topper noticed, though. He leaned forward to rub Rafe’s shoulders, massaging gently. “It’s okay,” he promised in a voice so low Kie could barely hear it. There was something comforting about the rumble of it, even coming from him. Kie hated how much she liked it. Topper wasn’t supposed to be this. 

The feeling continued. After all the talking was over, Topper swept them out to the cars. “If anyone wants to talk to you, they can do it at the lunch after,” he said. 

She hadn’t known there’d be a lunch. The rules of funerals were beyond her. But not talking to anybody sounded pretty good. She hoped her parents wouldn’t stick around long enough for lunch. 

There was some shuffling around. A small group of them ended up at the cemetery, watching the coffin be lowered into its final resting place. Sarah had one of Kie’s hands in both of hers. JJ took up the place of honor on Sarah’s other side. Kept the other family members from trying to hug her. Rafe’s whole general demeanor did that for him, but Topper stuck pretty close for good measure. He really did have his uses - mostly hurrying them past people and saying vague excuses that made them sound more grieving and busy and less avoidant.

By the time they got around to the lunch, Kie was so drained and hungry that she scarfed down a whole plate of crackers and fruit and was loading up a second in the first fifteen minutes. That was when her parents chose to make their approach. “Kiara,” her mom said from behind her.

Kie jumped so sharply a grape rolled off her plate, and turned to face them awkwardly. “Stay away from me,” she said first. Where were her friends? She couldn’t see any of them now. 

“We just want to talk.” There were tears in Mom’s eyes, which Kie could only view with suspicion. Mom had cried when they were taking her away, and what had that meant besides a fuckload of nothing? The room was claustrophobically close, help too far away to be reached, and Kie’s hands couldn’t keep her plate steady. They probably wouldn’t abduct her from a funeral, right?

“We’re not mad at you for running away,” Dad said. 

“Bullshit. Of course you are.” 

“It was a mistake to send you there in the first place,” Mom blurted out, and a few tears spilled over. 

Typical mom. That didn’t make Kie feel any better. She took a step back, or just half of one and then the back of her thighs were against the table edge. 

A large hand came to rest on Kie’s shoulder, and Topper was at her side. “Hey. Sarah’s looking for you,” he said pleasantly.

The excuse was welcome and plausible, both. “I have to go,” Kie told her parents, and let Topper move her a step away. 

“Kiara, you’re a teenager,” her father said. “You can’t just strike out on your own because you’re mad at us.” 

A flash of movement caught her eye over Dad’s shoulder; JJ was making his way to her across the big room, threading through people and tables quick. He was coming. The sight of him gave her a swell of courage. “You hired people to kidnap me and torture me into doing what you want,” she said loud enough to get some eyes on them. “Tell me why exactly I should trust you.” 

“Oh, so camping is torture now? You love camping.” Mom threw her hands out. 

Anger took hold of Kie’s body, totally and completely. It felt like she grew several inches taller. She took a step closer to her parents, deliberate and poised. “Do I, Mom? Or do you think my feelings about it are more complicated after the fucking month we were shipwrecked on an island. Which we’ve never talked about.” JJ was at Kiara’s other side now, Sarah closing in too. She wasn’t alone. 

“Kiara,” Dad said. 

Sarah’s hand slid into Kie’s. Kie held on tight and talked over him. “Believe me, I want my parents back. I want to feel protected by you. But I don’t. So I’m not coming home. I’m eighteen. You can’t make me.” 

That made Mom cry more, and Dad too although he was playing it off as really stoic. Kie couldn’t look at it; she started to walk away. Mom’s hand around her arm stopped her.

“Okay,” Topper said hurriedly. “Let’s not do that.” 

“Do not fucking touch her,” Sarah said more forcefully. “That place was torture. I don’t know how you can live with yourselves. Come on, Kie.” 

That made things easy. Kie pulled herself free and went wherever Sarah led her. It felt like sleepwalking, the way space contracted to pass. She was standing in front of her parents and then she was two steps in front of Pope. His arms were out to hug her. She let momentum close the distance, and accepted his embrace. 

“I’ve obviously missed a lot,” he said in her hair. “And I’m so sorry, but I’ve been more grounded than anyone’s ever been in all of history.” 

“I get it,” Kie promised.

“I wanted to be there for you.” 

“You are now.” 

After a handful of seconds, Kie made herself pull back. There were other people here, like Cleo, to throw her arms around too. Even Pope’s parents wanted a hug. Pope’s dad said something about never paying anyone to take care of his son, which Kie thought was meant to be supportive.

Promises were made, to go to Pope’s and fill him in. To hang out more. She meant it, and she would follow through, but tonight she had one thing to do: face down the friend who hadn’t bothered to show up. 

“I’m driving,” JJ said the moment she voiced this desire. 

“Or I could drive,” Topper suggested. “Since I can take more than two people.” 

That ended up being the move, because Sarah wouldn’t leave Kie’s side and Rafe was lurking in a way that suggested he felt the same way. All five of them piled into Topper’s truck together, JJ’s bike in the back, and they were off. 

Rafe loosened his tie. He’d gotten shotgun so Kie, Sarah, and JJ were squeezed in the back together. “Do not knock out my ex,” Sarah told him. “We’re going there to talk. For Kie to talk, specifically.” 

“I won’t start shit,” Rafe promised. 

Next, Sarah turned to JJ. “Jay. Do not get involved.”

“Maybe there will be a situation where I should help translate, though. To alleviate some of the tension. Then I should get involved, probably, right?” 

“The last thing you should get is involved,” Topper chimed in. “You live with him. Kie’s your best friend. It’ll just put you in an awful position.” 

JJ pursed his lips and made a face. “The man talks sense.” 

“He does that sometimes,” Sarah said. She squeezed Kie’s hand. “Do you want any of us to be with you for the talking part?” 

“I’ll be fine. It’s just John B.” 

It was just him. One of her best friends, except she didn’t know if they were even friends anymore. 

At the Chateau, Sarah got out so Kie could escape the middle seat. “We’re right here,” she promised. Kie took a moment, stole a big hug from Sarah for good measure. Then she went for the door. 

A yard she’d walked over a million times. Just like at Topper’s, Kie had the same kind of feeling of familiarity. So many layers of it she couldn’t extract one memory in particular. This was home too. Or, it had been. The hot soft sand, long grass, and driftwood, the water a constant cycle of white noise in the distance. Kie couldn’t even be scared walking up to the front door. It was just the Chateau, and she belonged here. 

Her knock wasn’t that loud, but the door opened quick. There he was. John B, in a sun-bleached T-shirt and board shorts. His hair was a little more blonde at the tips than she remembered. Maybe the sun in South America was that much brighter. His eyes were wide. “Oh. Hey.” 

Kie wasted no time. “Can we talk?”

“Uh, yeah. Gimme a sec,” he said, pleasant and bland. He went back in and shut the door most of the way behind himself.

Okay. Fine. Kie walked a few steps away, towards the tree. That tree that used to mean so much to her. They’d carved it up together. Played under its shade all summer, climbed the branches. It was one of those things that was more than it was. She was standing on history. A hundred layers of it. 

When John B came out to join her, the nonchalant act was still up. His steps were long and easy, and he would barely meet her eyes he was so busy being calm about things. “So what’s up?” he asked. 

“Seriously, dude?” Kie said. She felt so suddenly and totally herself that it was almost frightening. “Take a wild guess.” 

“I couldn’t make it to the funeral, Kie,” he began, already exasperated to explain. “I couldn’t be away from Dad that long, and he wouldn’t come.” 

“He wasn’t invited!” John B’s mouth fell open with offense, but Kie didn’t give a shit. She kept talking. “Look. I understand why you picked him instead of saving me. But it’s like he’s the only person you care about anymore. Where have you been?”

“Taking care of him.” 

“It’s rhetorical. We were best friends. And you have disappeared,” Kie said. 

“No, no. Don’t throw that in my face. I’ve need you too. My dad’s alive now. Where have you been?” 

“Making sure Sarah doesn’t self-destruct. You know, the girl you used to care about? Love, even? Whose father just died, and who was sobbing her fucking eyes out because you didn’t give enough of a shit to show up for her.” Kie kind of ended up yelling; she heard her own voice projecting across the yard, saw the boys standing by Topper’s truck perk up. Not good. They were waiting, ready like attack dogs, just looking for an excuse to kick John B’s ass. With that in mind, she lowered her voice as best she could. “I know it’s hard for you to hear, but you’ve been a bad friend.” 

“That’s not fair.” 

“It’s totally fair. Because if you were even trying to be here for me, you’d know what a hard time I was having with my parents. And how crazy things have been, and that I really needed my friends to be there for me because basically nobody else was.”

“That’s all true for me too!” John B shouted back. 

The guys definitely took notice of that, and started coming towards Kie, JJ fastest. 

“Well, I still talk to all our friends,” Kie bit back. “How much have you seen them?” 

“Barely at all. Because I’ve been taking care of my dad,” he said with a big gesture. 

“Oh. I’m sorry running around like a fucking indentured servant for a guy that has been missing most of your life is more important than-“ 

At this point in Kie’s indignant speech JJ got to her and hauled her backwards with an arm around her waist. “Alright, alright,” he said on top of her, and it was invalidating but also a bit of a relief. This was kind of an all of them fight, and she’d only started it because she couldn’t bear to let it go unsaid any longer. The guys loved to say she was the bleeding heart of the group, but she was the only person who wasn’t conflict avoidant as all shit. They’d bicker all the time, sure, but the real talks didn’t happen if she left them to their own devices.  

Or maybe she was just making trouble. For a second she couldn’t tell. But then John B tried to get JJ to agree with him and JJ blew up basically instantly, and Kie knew she wasn’t making it up. 

The fight did take an abrupt shift when Topper got close enough for John B to notice. “What the fuck are you doing with him?” he demanded, and JJ told him that wasn’t the point. Which wasn’t taking Topper’s side, exactly, but it also wasn’t taking John B’s side. So that turned into a sub-argument, how JJ was betraying the pogues by being neutral on Topper Thornton. And that didn’t go over well. JJ did not take accusations of betrayal lightly.

“I don’t know, dude, I don’t think any of that is as important as why you’re suddenly riding for the guy who abandoned you for basically your whole life,” JJ said in his bitchiest tone. “What if we talked about that?” 

“Oh, you’re going there, huh?”

“Yeah, I’m going there. Remember what he said to Sarah? Because I sure fucking do. And I remember how the next thing you did was act like we were betraying you by going to rescue Kie, instead of taking a second to realize that we didn’t want to fucking be around him.” 

On accident, Kie caught a glimpse of Topper’s face. The absolute cringe there was almost funny enough that she could laugh out loud. That was not just over the line, not just fighting words. That was friendship-ending, and Topper knew he shouldn’t be here to witness it. Very funny. The best thing to look at, since Sarah was heartbroken and Rafe was Rafe. 

“Then why are you staying here?” John B demanded. “Get out.” 

“Are you serious, right now?” JJ was not throwing his arms out or pacing anymore, he was standing stock still and Kie was afraid. “You want me to leave. You want to be on duty with him, 24-fucking-7. Just you.” 

John B did not give in. He met JJ’s gaze, and set his shoulders. “He’s my dad. My responsibility. But you wouldn’t know about that.” 

The rush of waves was the only sound for a moment. Incongruously peaceful. Weird backdrop to a friendship crumbling. “Fuck you, man,” JJ finally said. He looked at Kie. “Can we go? Are we done?” 

“I have nothing more to say,” Kie answered.

JJ tagged Topper and Rafe, knocked his hand into their shoulders as he strode past them towards the front door, and just like that they followed him inside to help with his stuff. Just like how Sarah followed Kie to the car silently so they wouldn’t have to spend another single second around John B.  

So that didn’t exactly go as well as she hoped it would. 

Nobody spoke until they were driving away. “Can I crash with you guys?” JJ asked, looked over at Kie and Sarah and then at Rafe up in the front seat. 

“Sure,” Sarah said. She had yet to look at anything besides the landscape outside the window, the whole way home. 

“Probably safer for all you guys to be together anyways,” Topper contributed, since he’d never heard an awkward silence he didn’t want to fill. “Just because Ward is dead doesn’t mean nobody else wishes you harm. Like Kie’s parents, for example.” 

Rafe whacked Topper’s shoulder. “Come on, man.” 

“I’m being realistic.” 

“Kie’s dad is welcome to scale the fucking fence and get charged with breaking and entering. We’ll be fine,” Rafe said, with all of the casual confidence of a man who had seen his own father die. 

Kie didn’t need to look at JJ to know the two of them couldn’t be so sure. As technically correct as Rafe might’ve been, he was still missing the point. Parents could do things to their kids worse than trying to kill them or breaking in, and their parents were still around enough to try any of those. By their usual mutual telepathy, neither of them said anything like that. Maybe he wanted to pretend as much as she did, not to have thought all those things about their dads. 

With all that in mind, the vibes in the car were not great as they approached the gates of Tanneyhill. When Topper said, “Who’s waiting there at the gate?” the vibe took a sharp nosedive. But only for a second. Then everybody recognized Pope and Cleo. 

It was a mad rush to get out once the wheels were rolling slow enough. JJ and Sarah had the advantage of being on the sides, so they got first dibs on hugs. Sarah threw her arms over Pope’s shoulders with intensity that almost made Kie jealous, and then JJ and Cleo piled in and it became a group thing. A living, breathing mass of people she loved that she could wrap her arms around and squeeze. They smelled like ironing and the suffocating floral ambiance of the funeral. 

“Don’t you need to go? Before your dad tries to kill you?” JJ said after a long moment, his voice muffled by the people.

“We traded another week of being grounded for this,” Cleo said back. 

“One sleepover with the friend whose dad just died, no questions asked,” Pope added. 

Sarah laughing was a feeling, a shaking shoulder before it was a sound, and then they were all laughing hanging onto each other. Warm and humid and breathless. 

The joy couldn’t even be dampened by Topper sticking around, which he did like a burr. He’d stuck with them this far, after all. Somehow made himself seem essential to them while never getting close enough for her to see in a new light. He trailed them up the driveway in his truck and then followed them inside just as casually. Like the audience followed them home, the final set of eyes keeping Kie from doing what she wanted to do. 

Kie and Sarah stole up to her room alone, the two of them, to change out of their funeral clothes. To hold hands on the way, too. Or maybe that just happened. Kie couldn’t tell if Sarah meant to or if their hands just collided and held on for the rest of the run to the room. Was it weird to ask what they were now? Kie had meant to wait longer, but her eyes caught on Sarah and she couldn’t shake them free.

Sarah halted in the doorway, panting, and Kie stopped with her. God, Sarah’s hair was so golden. Not bright yellow, but deep and gleaming. And her eyes kept flicking to Kie’s lips. 

“When you’re not mid-grief we should really talk about. Like. Us,” Kie blurted out, because she had to. She just had to. 

“Talk about it,” Sarah repeated. 

“Yeah, because. I need to kiss you again. If you want me to.” 

“I want you to.” 

That was a straight up invitation, right? It had to be. Kie still hesitated after she leaned in and tried to read Sarah’s intentions in her face. Did she want this? Did she-

Sarah pressed their lips together, just like she did the first time. Now Kie saw it coming, though. Now Kie could hold Sarah close, let her hands trace over Sarah’s jaw and lace into her hair. She could savor the feeling, the softness of Sarah’s lips and the wet heat of her mouth. 

It was over fast, or time passed quick enough for however long it had been to feel like a few seconds. It could’ve been an hour, for all Kie knew. Fuck, her vision felt spotty. Maybe she wasn’t breathing right. “Cool,” she said. Super intelligent. 

“Is that the kind of thing we should do a bunch, maybe?” Sarah sounded breathless too. 

“Uh, yeah. Absolutely.” 

“It feels like it is.” 

“Yeah. And like maybe we should go get food sometime.” 

Their eye contact was intense enough that Kie half expected to see sparks, too. Sarah was searching her face for something. They still had hands on each other, holding loosely. “What, to make it official?” she asked.

“I mean, I’m down.” 

Saying that was the bravest thing Kie had ever done. She thought her heart might explode until Sarah answered. But that, all of that, was worth it for how it felt when Sarah said yes. The glow in Kie’s chest didn’t fade for a while, even after they changed and made it back downstairs again. She thought someone would notice. 

Downstairs was loud, because Topper had convinced Rafe to get out the Mario Kart and everybody was playing or cheering. Sarah elbowed her way into the next round, and Kie watched with a smile on her face from the couch. The TV was hard to see through the cluster of standing people, but Kie didn’t need to see that. Sitting here, she thought about what it was like only a few weeks ago. The house alone then and full now. All she wanted then was for nothing to happen, ever. That wasn’t right, though. What she really wanted was to never do anything without them, the people she could count on.

Kie had grabbed something while she was upstairs that she kept fiddling with in her pocket now. Something she told herself she didn’t even know why she grabbed, but now that the moment was approaching with gravitational inevitability Kie had to admit she’d always known exactly what she wanted to do. Since the first time she sort of did this. 

It was easy to be patient, watching her friends all having fun. Cleo passed out cups of something fruity and sharp, so Kie sipped on that and waiting for her opportunity.

The end of a set of races. Cleo wanted in, so Rafe backed out and split. Went for the kitchen, looked like, so Kie got up and followed him. 

Rafe was leaning against the table and pouring himself a glass of tequila, half full. He deliberately didn’t look at her as she got closer, and Kie felt how she always felt about it. Like maybe she’d always be wondering if he was comfortable or just playing it cool, because it was more than possible that he didn’t know which was true either. He didn’t know himself very well. Kie couldn’t find it in herself to hold that against him. 

“Hey, give me your hand?” Kie asked. She was ready to explain more when he asked, but Rafe finished pouring himself a drink and held his hand out to her. No questions. Still didn’t look at her look at her, either. 

Well, that was fine. She didn’t need him to look at her. In many ways it was kind of easier. Kie stood right next to him and looped the friendship bracelet around his wrist to tie the final knot. Right next to his Rolex. The other one must’ve crumbled away. Kie couldn’t particularly remember missing it, but also she’d chosen to give him one now so she had to think she’d noticed it at some point.   

Either way, it was done. She stepped back and busied herself with picking a drink for herself too. Probably just a hard lemonade to start. 

“You made this?” Rafe said after a second. 

“Yeah.” For him, even if she didn’t know it consciously in the moment. It was tan and black and deep, deep green. The colors of the woods, of solitude and shadows and nothing soft. 

He didn’t comment on the colors, or pattern, or any of it. Of course he didn’t. Rafe wasn’t about to get suddenly sentimental. Truthfully, Kie wasn’t even waiting for that. But she wanted to see it sink in, whatever that looked like. 

Looked like him thinking, everything written briefly all over his face in that rare way she’d seen once or twice before. Not self conscious. And then it was nothing, the moment he met her eyes again. “Dope,” he said, and went back for more Mario Kart.

The evening shifted so quickly and totally from a grief-stricken nightmare to one of their best nights together that Kie really couldn’t believe it was the same day. The funeral and fight with John B was totally wiped from Kie’s mind by the joyful craziness of kicking JJ’s ass at Wii Tennis. There was basically every game console here, none of them were any good besides Pope, and it was nothing but fun. Kie was on her feet and jostling JJ for the lead, and then she was yelling encouragement at Sarah, and then she was catching her breath on the couch while the next group did those things. She was sweaty, and thirsty all of a sudden. 

Topper came around with cold wine coolers after a bit, and then again with some pigs in blankets he just cooked up, apparently. “So you’re a waitress, now?” Kie asked him, as she took a couple. Which was kind of rude out of nowhere, if she was being honest with herself, but Topper just laughed. 

“Guess so,” he said. “Need a refill?” 

“No. Thanks.” She tried to smile at him, to make up for being a bitch a few seconds ago. 

After he walked away, she rethought that entirely. Like, why was she feeling bad, at all, for being mean to him? After everything he’d done, she definitely didn’t want to be friends with him. Or, not friends like she was with other people. Not because she liked anything about him or talking to him, but because they were too important to people important to each other. And without talking about it, Kie had a feeling JJ and Pope were sort of on the same page. They were being pleasant enough with him too. Civil. Pope high-fived him at one point. JJ called him a piece of shit jackass when Topper knocked him off the platform of whatever Mario Party they were doing, and Topper just smiled. 

Whatever. She was putting a pin in that and forgetting about it. Fun only. Like Pope’s dad said. One night exception. 

They ordered pizza, late enough that there were only two options because everyone else had closed. They played video games for hours Kie easily lost count of, and then had almost as much of a good time building a fire to sit around. Everybody had really strong opinions about the way the logs went. Except Sarah and Kie, who were pretty focused on sitting really close together and not looking at each other. Kie wanted to look at her, but she was afraid she’d kiss Sarah on accident. She didn’t know how Sarah felt, couldn’t discern it from the way her leg moved as she scuffed in the dirt with her shoe. 

“Are we, like. Telling people?” Sarah asked after a bit, so breezy Kie almost asked what she meant. 

“I think so.” 

“Okay,” Sarah said. And took Kie’s hand. 

Nobody noticed, honestly. For like ten whole minutes, they sat there with their hands clasped and the guys were too busy antagonizing each other to see it. Then there were marshmallows to put on sticks, so they stopped holding hands for that. After s’mores were blankets and warm coals, everyone pulled blankets over themselves and it was hard to keep track of anybody’s hands. So she had a whole arm intertwined with Sarah’s under their blanket when Rafe said, “So, Kiara. When are you gonna make a move on my sister?”

In the silence after, JJ whistled, low and long. 

“Where did that come from?” Topper asked. 

“From my brain,” Rafe answered. He was smoking, the lit end of his cigarette bright on the other side of the fire. 

"Yeah, but like. They're friends," Topper said, as if the rest of what he meant should be obvious. And typical, wasn't it, for the resident rich white guy in the room to decide how other people felt. Asshole. It would be more annoying if it wasn't so pitiful. 

JJ spoke up, his posture not changing an iota. "Tons of people are friends, dipshit. You can still ask 'em out."

Pope, snuggled up with Cleo, pointed out, "We were friends before we started dating.” 

"Barely," JJ countered. "For like two days." 

"I'm trying to back you up, dude." 

The ensuing argument was distracting enough that nobody remembered for a while, what Rafe had said and what it could've meant. And, when Topper tried to intervene and redirect the conversation to how he'd been right, actually, in the end, Pope and JJ and Cleo all turned on him with such coordinated disdain that that was the end of the argument and the start of one much, much worse. Everybody forgot about what Rafe said besides the two people he was talking to. 

Kie couldn’t. Judging by how Sarah’s eyes kept darting over to her brother, she couldn’t either. And Rafe was sitting stock still, paying attention with laser-sharp intensity to both of them with his eyes on the fire. It was just a feeling Kie had. As good as fact. 

“You want something to drink?” she asked Sarah quietly, and Sarah looked at Rafe in a way that forced him to look back. 

He stood, flicked the butt of his cigarette into the fire. “‘Nother round?” he asked the general group, so when Sarah and Kie went with him inside it didn’t raise any suspicion. 

Rafe led the way, ambling along slow enough that Kie thought about taking Sarah’s hand and swinging it for something to do. In the end, he did pull open the fridge and get more beers, enough for all of them. 

“I already made the move,” Sarah said while his back was still to them. “Like, weeks ago.” 

“You don’t say.” 

That wasn’t really an answer. 

“I do say.” Sarah leaned in closer, leaned herself confrontationally onto the island. “We’re dating, actually. And if you wanted to know you could’ve asked us, instead of being weird about it in front of all our friends.”

“So now you want me to ask you things,” Rafe said. It felt, as always, like he was having a different conversation. Or the same one in a parallel universe. It took a few seconds to work out what that was in reference to, and even then Kie wasn’t sure quite what he meant. Sarah hadn’t told him not to ask. She’d been open to it, every time he had the decency to act human. 

“Say what you mean,” Sarah told him. 

Rafe turned back with four beers in his hands, letting the fridge fall closed behind him. And just from the ook on his face, it was clear that he didn’t know how to. “You want me to ask you things?” he repeated as a question. 

“Not in front of everybody.” 

There was a pause, the hiccup of hesitation where Kie felt the miscommunication as something tangible in the air. “Are you trying to embarrass us?” she asked. 

“No,” Rafe said. Easy answer, as she was hoping. 

“So why’d you do that?” 

“Because I wanted to know.” 

Sarah sighed and groaned dramatically, loud and showy. “You know what she means. Come on.” 

“I’m sorry,” he said. “That’s what you want me to say, right? I’m sorry, I won’t do that again.” 

“I only want you to say it if you mean it.” 

It made Kie think of her fight with John B, honestly. The fundamental problem was feelings, and how what someone should feel had very little to do with what they actually felt. Sarah wanted Rafe to never want to hurt her, but Rafe couldn’t seem to understand that. All he seemed to want was to not get backed into any corner. 

Again, Kie tried to mediate. “It’d probably be a good thing if you could say what you meant without acting like we’re going to prosecute you in court about it.” 

“Ha ha,” Rafe retorted, but the silence after that said he was thinking about it. He set the bottles down, glass clinking on the countertop, and leaned towards them. Sarah, in contrast, leaned back and crossed her arms. And, after several more seconds where Rafe still seemed trapped in thought, Sarah rolled her eyes and walked away. Towards the bathroom, Kie was pretty sure, not back outside. 

“You’re not making this easy,” Kie said. 

“I didn’t know I was supposed to.” That was a shitty answer, but Kie glared and he followed it up with the real thing. “She isn’t either, you know.” 

“I’m not talking to her, I’m talking to you.” 

“So what do you want me to do about it?” 

“I want you to treat her like a human being who loves you.”

Rafe scoffed, rolled his eyes. “She doesn’t. Come on.” 

Well that explained some things. But also it didn’t really give her any path forward. Kie couldn’t think of anything to say to that that wouldn’t be pointless, cheesy, or both. Instead she shared several moments of contemplative quiet. Rafe couldn’t meet her eyes anymore; he popped open one of the bottles and had a swig. It was a relief to hear the bathroom door open and Sarah walking towards them. “She can’t,” Rafe added quietly at that point. 

In general, Kie did her best not to spread her empathy too thin. She couldn't burn herself out. She had a lot going on tonight. Her brand new girlfriend's father's funeral was not even twelve hours ago, and she'd just maybe lost one of her best friends, and despite all of that she was trying to have a good time. She didn't have time for empathy. Definitely not for the loose cannon who'd almost killed all of them. For the guy whose own sister was afraid of him. 

But that wasn't all he was, and Kie couldn't pretend to think differently. Didn’t want to. For one, he was the reason she wasn't trapped at home with her parents. For another, whatever happened between Sarah and him and their dad it had united them. 

And, they were friends. She’d given him a bracelet to prove it. 

Kie was all prepared to say something the moment Sarah was back in the room, but she got cut off by Sarah herself. Her gorgeous girlfriend walked right up to her brother and planted her hands on her hips. “This is your shot.” Her eyes were hard to look at, roiling with energy from within. “You need to take it this time. Do you even want us around? Yes or no.” 

“Yeah,” he answered. Now that Kie was thinking about it, he always did well with direct instruction.

“So you’re being a dick just for fun.” Sarah still had her eyes on him, fastening him in place. 

“No.” 

“Then-“ 

“I’m being a dick because I’m a dick.” 

Well. None of them could deny that was the truth. 

Sarah didn’t have any part of the smile Kie was being tempted with on her face. She was still dead serious. “Then I’m going to ignore that shit until you have something real to say to me. Are we clear?“ 

He agreed that was clear, and that seemed to finish the interaction somehow. Even though they hadn’t gotten any clarity on what he thought about them being together, or if he really was sorry for being a dick. Which, if Kie had to put money on it, she’d bet he was. She’d seen him genuinely apologetic before. It didn’t look like she thought it should. And him making that passive aggressive comment about the apology being what Sarah wanted didn’t actually rule out him meaning it on his own. 

By the time they made it back outside, Topper was making his goodbyes to head home. Kie didn’t know why she expected him to stay the night, but she sort of did. She was just coming around on him as a person, too. In a way. But after a final fist bump with Sarah and hug to Rafe, Topper ambled off towards his car. 

"Good," JJ said. "Get him out of here." He mostly waited for Topper to be out of earshot to say it, too, which was practically a selfless gesture for him. 

"C'mon. He's not that bad." Rafe settled back into his spot, which Kie freshly noticed was within arms' reach of JJ. 

Pope scoffed. "Says his best friend." Cleo looked almost asleep, leaning on his shoulder. Kie wondered if they'd spend the night too, or if their temporary grounding reprieve didn't last that long. 

Beer in one hand, JJ gestured with the other towards Pope with his eyes on Rafe. "See? Exactly, your opinion doesn't count. He's totally obsessed with you." 

"Pot, kettle." Rafe tipped his bottle up and drank like, half. And after that apparent liquid courage, he added, "How you feeling about that breakup today?" 

"Feeling bad, fuck you very much for asking." JJ flipped him off lazily. "And it's nothing like a breakup, it's actually infinitely worse because we're way more than friends. Something a shark like you could never understand."

There was something kind of confident about how Rafe let people just keep saying things that Kie knew he didn’t think was true about himself. He just blinked at him, and placidly ignored the dig. “Well, which is it. Is he obsessed with me, or would I never understand?” 

“Both,” JJ answered mercilessly. “Because you’re not exactly in touch with your emotions, dude. If you were, you wouldn’t need me to tell you Topper wants to be more than friends.” 

Sarah interjected. “No he doesn’t. He’d have to know he was gay first, and he’s got no idea.” With their blankets back in place, Sarah took Kie’s hand again. This time, on top. Not exactly clearly visible, but not hiding it. 

“He’s not gay,” Rafe sighed. 

“Sexuality is a spectrum,” Pope contributed. Voice of reason. “Some estimates say one in three people are some kind of not straight.” 

There was a quiet moment where everyone was clearly counting. Seven people around the fire. At least two gay for sure, though if Kie was counting she’d probably add JJ in there just on instinct. He’d had a favorite Jonas brother that he’d always been way more passionate than she was. Plus, it was Nick. That was the gayest one. But she didn’t say that. Unlike Rafe, she had a sense of what would embarrass her friends or not. 

“Nobody’s totally straight, anyways,” Sarah said, which was also a pretty gay thing to say. She squeezed Kie’s hand, and Kie squeezed back. 

“No way,” Kie agreed. 

The knowing look Rafe gave them felt warm. A circle they were all inside together. Something that felt a lot like family. 

They kept drinking until time got viscous and stretched out in a long, syrupy strand. Pope and Cleo did have to make their excuses in the end. They’d promised to return home before morning, and it was firmly dark out still. On their way out, they passed hugs around the circle. Kie let go of Sarah to hold on tight, first to Cleo and then to Pope. Especially to Pope. 

“He’ll realize he’s being stupid,” Pope said into her shoulder. “He will. Because he is.” 

“I hope so,” Kie whispered back. 

Then the two of them were gone, and it was just four people left. Kie’s favorite four people, maybe. Sitting around the fire, all drunk enough to sleepily let the silence grow. Sarah put her head down on Kie’s shoulder and intertwined their fingers again. 

“Hey,” JJ said after a moment. “Topper. More like bottom. Up top!” He held his hand out for a high five towards Rafe. 

Rafe refused his high five, not moving. “That’s homophobic.”

“You can’t be homophobic about a straight guy.” 

“Yeah, so stop.” 

After a moment, JJ straightened up and craned his neck to meet Kie’s eyes across the fire. A flash of you caught that, right? eye contact between the two of them during which both of them silently agreed that Rafe had said what they thought he said. “Well. Whatever he is, I don’t like him,” JJ said out loud.

Nobody had any pushback there. Or, nothing made it out. Kie rubbed her thumb over the back of Sarah’s hand, slow and sleepy. “You don’t have to,” she promised. 

“He wants you to,” Rafe blurted, and seemed surprised to find himself talking. Embarrassed too, maybe. He wouldn’t meet anybody’s eyes, but he kept talking. “He wants you to like him. And if you don’t he wants you dead.” 

JJ snorted, and shifted to lean back further in his chair. In the process he got way lower too, so his his chin almost touched his chest. “No pressure.” 

“Very functional of him,” Sarah agreed. “You can tell he had loving parents who definitely didn’t have crazy high expectations of him or anything.” 

“Plenty of people have wack parents. Most of them didn’t try to shoot me.” JJ sounded grumpy about it, which Kie was surprised by. When JJ was really upset about things, he didn’t sound like anything at all. So he was joking. Maybe him and Topper really were making progress. “Like Kie. Your parents have ended up showing themselves to be absolute nutjobs,” JJ continued.

“Hey!” Kie objected, though she wasn’t sure why. 

“I’m just saying. You haven’t made an attempt on my life. And thank you for that. One best friend betrayal is enough for the day.”

Enough for a lifetime. Yeah. Kie squeezed Sarah’s hand, and Sarah squeezed back. John B would come around. He had to. His dad sucked, but it was really hard to let yourself realize that. Kie had been in denial for way longer, with parents she’d had the whole time. She couldn’t begrudge John B’s time with his dad. Whatever he had to do, to let himself feel like he tried his hardest. So whenever he realized his dad wasn’t trying back, he wouldn’t have any regrets. And when he got there, she’d be here. 

Dating his ex-girlfriend, but that was another problem. They’d get past that quick. 

"You do have the same nose. You and Kie,” Rafe said to JJ with all the solemnity in the world. And for a second Kie had no idea what he meant, but once she did it was funny because, 

"We really, really don't," Kie said. 

Sarah regarded her face closely. "It's like when a dog resembles its owner," she determined. 

JJ struggled up out of his reclining position to glare at her. "Sarah Cameron, I can't believe you," he said indignantly. "I mean, you should understand more than anybody, since you and Rafe have the weirdest family not-resemblance ever." 

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" 

"Come on. You're gonna tell me they look like each other?" JJ asked Kie. "Like, at all?" 

The excuse to look at Sarah's face closely was one Kie was glad for. She looked at Sarah's eyes, so dark in the night, and her golden face and cheekbones. Looked at her little mouth, her lips, and her lovely nose. Then she looked over at Rafe. Her eyes needed a second to adjust to the light of the fire between them, as low as it had gotten. Rafe resembled Sarah in concept - same-ish color of hair and eyes, though her tan always outshone his. In everything else they didn’t look alike at all. 

Maybe a hint of similarity in their chins, in the shape of their eyes, but nothing else. Even their shapes were different, shoulders and limbs unrecognizably dissimilar. They could be just two people, walking down the street, and Kie was pretty sure no one would know they shared DNA. They didn’t even make the same faces, which Kie was pretty sure why people thought JJ and her looked even slightly the same. But there was something deeper, not that simple, that they obviously shared. She couldn’t put words on it. Something that helped her understand one better once she knew the other. 

Sarah looked like her dad. So Kie had to assume that meant Rafe looked like their mom, the one that died. 

“Just say it. We barely look like cousins,” Rafe said, like he thought she needed the help acknowledging it. 

“That doesn’t matter.” Sarah’s voice was loud, a little indistinct. She’d convinced them all to do shots again at some point, when Pope was still here. “We’re still family, and this is a stupid conversation.” 

She tried to get up, but ended up needing some help. Her legs seemed jelly-like, so Kie hauled herself up for Sarah to lean on. “It’s usually easier to storm out,” Sarah said conspiratorially. 

“We get it, babe,” Kie promised. “Don’t worry.” 

“Jesus,” JJ said, watching them try to get up. “How fucked up are you?” 

“She’s been sitting there drinking since we came back out.” Rafe was pointedly not getting up, but there was no avoiding the intensity of him paying attention. “And she’s not exactly a heavyweight to begin with.” 

Kie was preparing a look, but before she could execute it Sarah did, with much drama. Flipped her hair over her shoulder and everything. “Why’d you say they even look alike? It’s just the married couple thing.” 

“What married couple thing?” JJ demanded. 

“Nah,” Rafe said. “It’s like how dogs look like their owners.” And then he got up to help Kie get Sarah inside, and JJ did the same.

Kie had to think about it for a bit. Longer, because the last of whatever she’d drunk was hitting latest and hardest but eventually. When she was safely wrapped up in Sarah’s arms in bed, with JJ and Rafe at the foot of the bed because they’d been talking too long, Kie thought maybe Rafe hadn’t been talking about her and JJ. Not entirely.