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“You're a pain in the ass, Reo. Whatever, I don’t care anymore.”
Reo always thought it was an exaggeration to say that words could hurt as much as a stab, now he wasn't sure anymore. Being completely honest, the boy had no idea what had happened after that, his mind was a complete blur of painful and harmful feelings, he wanted to scream and cry until his throat ripped out, or just bang his head against the wall so hard until those thoughts stop tormenting him. But no matter how much he wanted to explode and release these emotions, his body didn't react, it was as if he was in a numb state. Reo believed that if it weren't for Kunigami dragging him, he wouldn't have even been able to leave the field.
This brought him back to his current situation, he was sitting on the bottom bunk bed of a room, Kunigami nowhere to be seen. “That’s right, Kunigami and I lost.” Reo thought, when his head felt less like an emotional mess. “We lost the first match, we didn't get past the first stage, we were relegated. And I wasn’t chosen, again.” Mikage felt a bitter taste in his mouth, at that moment he no longer knew whether to be angry with Chigiri, for being chosen (although he knew that thought was unfair, Chigiri had played very well, and deserved to be chosen, and not it's as if he did it trying to hurt him), or if he was sad that he wasn't Nagi's first option.
“I wonder if I was ever his first choice” Reo thought bitterly, but then he felt his heart sink with guilt, Nagi was improving and was finally showing some interest in football, he shouldn't have be happy for your best friend? So why is all he could feel was a deep sense of loss? Reo is starting to wonder if he is a bad person.
A few minutes later, Kunigami returned to the room, hair wet and clothes changed, apparently having just taken a shower. This made Reo realize that he was still in his dirty clothes that he had worn in the match, his body was all sweaty and sticky, he should probably take a shower too.
“I’m going take a shower”. The teenager said, then getting up from the bed.
Reo left the room as quickly as possible, cutting off any attempt by Kunigami to start a conversation, he honestly didn't have the energy to deal with any kind of interaction at the moment. Luckily for him, there was no one else in the showers; the boy went to the nearest shower and let the hot water run down his shoulders.
It felt good, the feeling of the water running against his skin, he tried to focus on the cleaning process and not think about anything related to Nagi or soccer, but it seemed like his mind didn't want to cooperate, his thoughts returning to Nagi's words. “How dare he say I don’t care about our promise?! If it weren’t for me, he wouldn’t even be in Blue Lock right now!” Reo was so angry, he pulled his hair in frustration, this was all Nagi's fault, right? If he hadn't discarded him like trash, none of this would have happened, if the boy hadn't decided to test his skills, they would still be together, and their dream would still be standing. Damn, wasn't Seishiro the one who had made Reo promised to be there until the end? Where the fuck was he now?!
The teenager felt tears in his eyes, immediately feeling guilty about his line of reasoning, the same thoughts from the match coming back to torment him.
“Am I such a hypocrite, right?”
Reo let out an ironic laugh, very happy that no one was around to see his miserable state. “The same attitudes that irritate me in my parents, I'm reproducing. I'm projecting my expectations and personal goals into Nagi and not giving him the right to have an opinion.”
And yet, Reo was unable to not feel betrayed by Nagi, the teenager simply couldn't help but feel hurt. Reo started to cry, painful sobs coming from his throat, he was feeling like a piece of trash, the most selfish human being ever. He had treated Nagi like a possession, hadn't he? In the end, he wasn't much different from his father.
Who was he to be mad at Nagi? Was that why the boy discarded him? Had he realized that Reo was just using him? Mikage wanted to scream, how dare he treat Nagi as an extension of him? Wasn't that why he despised his father? And here was Reo, acting the same. The Boy screamed and held his head, leaving nail marks on his face.
“Nagi must hate me now, right?” Reo asked, tears streaming down his face. “I would definitely hate myself.”
He felt like vomiting, just the mere thought of applying the same kind of ideology as his parents on Nagi, made Reo wish he was dead. Seishiro was his treasure, he couldn't believe he had even considered such a possibility. At that moment, Reo hated himself more than anything.
His head was a mess, a mix of feelings of guilt, anger, sadness and rejection. Reo pulled his hair harder, willing the pain to silence his mind. At this point, his wanted to just slit his throat and die, if it meant his head would be silent.
***
Kunigami was worried, it had been more than thirty minutes since Reo had left and he hadn't returned yet. He wasn't stupid, Kunigami knew that his friend wasn't well emotionally, the fact that he had to practically carry Reo off the field after the match ended said something, and he was worried. It wasn't news to anyone that Mikage had a very close relationship with Nagi (which apparently went far beyond soccer). Kunigami didn't really know what had caused the conflict between them, Reo wasn't very open about it, but it was clear how much it affected the other boy. He wanted to help his friend, but he was afraid that he would end up pushing too hard and making him uncomfortable.
Fifteen minutes later, Mikage still hadn't returned. Now, Kunigami is really worried; he got up from the bed, it didn't hurt to check if Reo is okay.
Of all the scenarios in his head, Rensuke couldn't imagine finding Reo sitting on the bathroom floor, water falling against his body, his shoulders were red, that couldn't be a good sign, and tears streaming down his face.
“ Reo… “ Kunigami tried to get the boy's attention.
His efforts showed no results, Reo had given no sign of having noticed the ginger enter the bathroom. It seemed like the boy was unaware of his surroundings. “This can’t be good.” Kunigami thought, looking for some way to get the other's attention. He tried calling him again, Mikage didn't even move.
Rensuke sighed, he didn't want to risk touching Reo and scaring him, but at this point, he was more worried about the numb state his friend was in, his priority at the moment was to get him out of that state.
He approached and gave the boy a slight push on the shoulders.
“Reo!”
The teen jumped at the sudden contact, eyes widening. Up close, Kunigami could see some scratch marks on Reo's face and arms, which made him even more worried.
“What the fuck are you doing here?!” Reo asked, as soon as he recovered from the shock.
“You were taking a long time, I was worried.” Kunigami replied, still with one hand on Reo's shoulders “Are you okay?”
“ ‘I am fine.” Reo grumbled, pushing Kunigami's arm away.
Red didn't seem very convinced.
“Really? You seem a little shaken.”
“ I said 'I'm fine!” Reo shouted, frustrated “And I don't think that's any of your business, Kunigami.”
Kunigami walked away, surprised by the other boy's outburst.
Reo sighed.
“ I'm gonna dry off. “ He said and locked himself in one of the changing cabins, slamming the door hard.
***
Reo wanted to punch himself, he shouldn't have yelled at Kunigami, it wasn't his fault. The boy had the best intentions, he was worried about his delay, and how did Reo appreciate that? Yelling and acting super rude.
“I'm really fucked up.” Reo grabbed his hair, thinking about how he would apologize to Kunigami.
He returned to the room to find it empty, Reo sat on his bed and sighed, the guilt over yelling at Kunigami rising. After fifteen minutes, and still no sign of the ginger, Reo decided that he would talk to the boy in the morning, and now he would try to get some sleep. He turned off the light in his room and lay in bed, getting ready to sleep, when he heard the sound of footsteps. As soon as he turned around, Reo saw Kunigami standing in front of him with a bottle of water in his hand.
“ I wanted to check if you were really sleeping, I didn't want to risk waking you up. “ Kunigami said, scratching the back of his neck, then offering the bottle to Reo. “Here, I got it for you, I figured you were probably thirsty.”
Reo accepted the bottle and took a sip, he was indeed very thirsty after his collapse. They sat in silence for a few minutes, Reo debating how to initiate an apology that didn't feel forced or awkward.
“ Kunigami... “ Reo caught the other boy's attention, his voice low, barely above a whisper. “Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you, it’s just…”
Reo found himself unable to continue, not knowing how to put into words all the confusing feelings he was feeling. Apparently, Kunigami understood anyway.
“ It's ok. “The boy replied, a soft smile on his face “ I also apologize for intruding on something personal. “
“ Actually, I think I should thank you for showing up there, I was a little out of my mind. If it weren't for you, I would still be there “
“ This has to do with the match, right? “ Kunigami asked, before he could stop himself. “ With what Nagi told you. “
Reo was silent for a few seconds, thinking about whether he should be honest or not, finally, he gave in.
Mikage sighed.
“ Is it that obvious? “
“ A little bit…”
Reo laughed sarcastically, of course it was obvious, he had put on a show there in the field, when Nagi rejected him (again).
“ Reo, I don't want to seem nosy or anything, but do you want to talk? “ Kunigami had a worried expression on his face “ I saw how this match affected you, it's clear that what Nagi said hurt you. In reality, you feel bad about this whole situation, since before you teamed up with me and Chigiri. But the way you were in when I found you in the bathroom... “
Kunigami didn't finish the sentence, apparently still a bit in shock and scared by the whole situation. Reo couldn't even blame him, it must have been quite a sight, finding his teammate in a completely numb state when he had initially just gone to take a shower.
“ I didn't know it was that bad...”Kunigami said in a low tone, a guilty expression on his face.
“He must be blaming himself for not having done anything sooner.” Reo thought, feeling a little angry at the absurd line of thought the other boy seemed to be following. It wasn't Kunigami's fault that he wasn't aware of how unstable Reo's head was, he himself hadn't noticed it until today; and even if the redhead had tried to confront Reo about the matter, he probably would have just pushed the other away and acted like it was nothing to worry about.
“ It's okay, Kunigami. “Reo tried to reassure. “ It’s not a big dea-“
“ Reo.” Kunigami cut him off, before he could continue. “ Your shoulders were burning from the hot water and you were full of scratch marks, you hurt yourself.”
Reo was silent, he hoped Kunigami hadn't noticed that.
“ I was frustrated... “ The teenager muttered, looking at the ground.
He was so embarrassed that he couldn't even look the other boy in the eyes, at that moment, Reo just wanted to sink into a hole and disappear.
“ Hey, I'm not here to judge you.” Kunigami placed a comforting hand on the shorter man's shoulder, probably sensing his anguish. “ Look, I don't want to pressure you or anything, but if you want to talk, or just need someone to listen to you, I'm here, okay? ”
Rensuke Kunigami was such an overly kind boy that Reo felt like crying. He had shouted and been rude to Kunigami, he was not worthy of this sympathy and kindness that the other was offering.
“I don’t know, dude. My head is a mess, I don't even know what I'm feeling.” Reo sighed.
“ Why don't you try talking about it? Maybe can help make your thoughts clearer.”
Reo thought. On the one hand, he felt that he didn't deserve this sympathy and that he was just wasting the redhead's time, making him hear about his inner dramas. But there was a part of him, a small and often ignored part, that craved the feeling of validation and comfort, a part of him that was begging to be heard. Just this once, Reo decided to listen to this normally silenced voice.
“ Okay, I'll try. “ Reo gave in, maybe Kunigami wasn't right, and that would really help. “ A lot of this has to do with Nagi, but it's not entirely just because of him, not that he's to blame for anything, it's just... I was really upset when he chose to team up with Isagi and Bachira, without even asking how I felt about it.
Reo felt really silly for admitting this out loud, he couldn't help but think he was acting like a spoiled child; but Kunigami promised not to judge, so he continued.
“ He didn't even say anything to me, you know, he could have asked if it was okay with me for him to join their team. I just felt like something disposable. “
“ You and Nagi were very close, right? “ Kunigami asked.
Reo laughed, it's not close enough, Nagi is the most important person in his life.
“ A lot “ Reo gave a small smile. “ We've known each other since before Blue Lock, he was the first real friend I had, I think I was his first friend too. You know, right when we got here Nagi made me promise something, he made me promise to be with him until the end, but he was the one who left me at the first opportunity. This made me so angry, I'm still angry.”
Kunigami sat next to Reo on the bed, placing a hand on the teen's shoulders.
“ It's completely understandable that you were angry, in your place, I would be too.”
Reo stared at Kunigami, eyes wide.
“ Really? Don't you think I'm making it a big deal, or something like that? “ Reo asked.
“ Of course not! Anyone would also feel hurt in your position.” Kunigami replied. “ It's a good thing that he wants to dedicate himself more to soccer and is committed to getting better and better, but that doesn't give him the right to ignore your feelings.”
Reo was feeling his eyes getting teary, it was such a relief to have his feelings validated, to feel that he wasn't just a frustrated teenager throwing a tantrum over something tiny.
“ But I'm sure that's not the only thing that's bothering your little head, right? “ Kunigami asked, lightly patting Reo's head playfully.
Reo moved the redhead's hand away, but without really caring about the gesture. Kunigami was right, if only that was bothering him.
“ It's hard to explain. “ Reo didn't know how to put this into words, without sounding like an ungrateful teenager complaining about a full belly.
“ Why don’t you try?” Kunigami's voice had a gentle tone, free from judgment.
Reo took a deep breath and continued speaking.
“ It's just…Shouldn't I be happy for Nagi? From the beginning, I just wanted him to be interested in soccer, and now it has finally happened, shouldn't I be happy?”
Kunigami's gentle expression encouraged Reo to continue.
“ That makes me a bad person, doesn't it?” Reo's tone was more desperate. “ I know I should be happy with his performance, but I can't help but feel angry, because I wasn't the one who sparked this interest in him, even when I was the one who brought him to soccer, if it wasn't For me, he would never be here.”
“ I don't think that makes you a bad person, Reo. “
“Yes, it is! In the end I'm no different from him, right?! “ Reo cut Kunigami. “ I think of Nagi as my possession, I'm totally despicable. “
The boy put his hands in his hair and pulled it in frustration. Feeling angry at himself for falling into this stream of thoughts once again, with the way the whole thing was going, he would have another breakdown, in front of Kunigami.
Rensuke looked closely at Reo, genuine concern in his eyes. He gently removed the boy's hands from his hair.
“ Hey, don't do that. “ He said, holding the other boy's hands “ You're not despicable, Reo. Why do you think that? “
“ Because I'm a hypocrite! “ Reo shouted, tears streaming down his face. “ I'm just like him, and I hate it! I hate him! I hate myself!”
The boy began to cry, painful sobs ripping from his throat, hot tears streaming down his face. He tried to bring his hands to his face, but Kunigami was still holding them. Rensuke isn't going to lie, he kind of panicked at Mikage's sudden outburst, but he was quick to get over his shock, focusing on trying to calm Reo down.
“ Hey, Reo, look at me.” Kunigami had a calming tone of voice.
Reo shook his head and pulled his legs to his chest, burying his face between his knees. He didn't want Kunigami to see him like this, it was humiliating enough that the ginger found him in that pitiful state in the bathroom.
“ Reo, look at me.” Kunigami tried again.
“ No. “ Mikage muttered, still hiding his face.
Reo's crying became more desperate and distressed, no matter how embarrassed he was, the boy just couldn't stop himself from crying.
Kunigami tried to get the boy's attention a few more times, but he was committed to ignoring the ginger. A few minutes passed and Rensuke was trying not to panic, he wanted to help his friend, but he didn't want to cross any of Reo's limits.
“ Reo, why do you think you are a hypocrite? “ Kunigami asked, trying to get some response from the other.
It took a few seconds for the purple-haired teen to respond.
“ I'm just like him... “ Reo sniffed, trying to control his breathing “ The same things I criticized about him, I reproduced. “
Kunigami was confused, he didn't understand what the other meant.
“ Who is “he"? ”
“ My dad… “ The words were not above a whisper.
“ Your dad? “ Kunigami asked, confusion clear in his voice.
Reo finally lifted his face from his legs, his eyes were red, but his breathing seemed to have stabilized a little.
He took a deep breath and looked Kunigami in the eyes.
“ My dad is extremely controlling. But not in an obvious way, he makes you believe that you are free to choose whatever you want, but the truth is that you can only choose between the options he gives you, anything outside of that is unacceptable.” It was the first time that Reo admitted this out loud. “ But he is calculating, he never directly forbid you from doing something, he uses chantage and emotional manipulation, to make you believe that all this happened because of you, because of consequences of your bad choices.”
Reo wiped the tears that were still streaming down his face, it was the first time he had told this to someone, he didn't even know why he was being so open with Kunigami, it was just that it was easy to let the words flow, the ginger's presence was comforting.
“ My dad sees people as his possessions, objects that he must control. “ Reo continued. “ He saw me as an extension of him, and that irritated me a lot, because I felt like I didn't have a life of my own, it was as if my entire life had been mapped out and I had no choice in the matter. “
Reo laughed hoarsely, a few tears still streaming down his face.
“ This is the first time I've told anyone about this. “ The one with purple hair said. “ I don't even know why I'm telling you this. I was just afraid of acting like a spoiled and angry teenager.”
“ I don't think you're acting like a spoiled teenager.” Kunigami said. “Actually, I think this whole situation is really fucked up.”
Reo laughed, completely caught off guard by the ginger's comment.
“Yeah, it's really fucked up.” Mikage agreed. “ I think I ended up comparing myself to him, when I stopped to think, the way I acted towards Nagi wasn't very different from the way my dad acts. Nagi is my treasure, I was completely enchanted by his talent, so obsessed that I ended up forgetting that he was his own person.”
Reo sighed, thinking about how to continue this conversation without falling into another crying fit.
“ And even though I realized all this, I couldn't help but feel sad and betrayed.” He continued. “ And it made me feel terrible, Nagi is the most important person to me, just thinking about acting the same way with my das with him, makes me feel so disgusting that I feel like I want to die.”
Reo felt his cheeks get wet again. He huffed, irritated, wiping the tears from his face. He felt like a child, crying uncontrollably and needing to be comforted by the other teenager. How pathetic.
“ Reo, just the fact that you feel remorse, for something that isn't even your fault, shows that you are extremely empathetic and kind. “ The ginger said, catching Reo’s attention. “ You're not a bad person. “
Mikage felt more tears run down his face.
“ Now, I just feel really pathetic, having had two crying spells in front of you.” Reo said, sniffling.
“ You're not pathetic for expressing your feelings, Reo.”Kunigami said, putting his arm around the boy's shoulders. “That makes you human.”
Just those words were enough for Reo's barrier to completely break. Tears began to stream down his face without stopping, and he didn't make any move to try to stop them, just letting it all out. Sobs ripped from his throat, Reo thought he had never been so vulnerable and raw in front of another person before. Anger, sadness, guilt, all the overwhelming emotions he was feeling, he let it all out. At some point, Reo buried his face in Kunigami's shoulder.
And Rensuke just stood there, letting the other express his anguish. He knew that this conversation wasn't enough for Reo to magically get well and stop all the negative feelings he had, he said he wanted to die, Kunigami was very worried about that, but for now, he was going to focus on just being there for him. Provide physical and emotional comfort for the friend.
After a few minutes, Reo's sobs subsided, but his head was still buried in Kunigami's shoulder (his shirt was now wet, but Rensuke didn't care about that).
“Thank you... “ Reo murmured, his head still buried on the taller's shoulder. “ For, you know, putting up with me.”
“ You are my friend, Reo.” Kunigami lightly rubbed the other's hair “You're not a burden.”
Reo yawned, he was exhausted, having three breakdowns in one night had taken a lot of energy out of him.
“You must be really tired, right?”Kunigami asked.
Reo nodded, making no move to move away from the ginger. Kunigami didn't comment, he figured that Reo must feel some kind of comfort in physical contact. It didn't take long for Mikage to fall asleep, still with his head resting on Rensuke's shoulder.
Kunigami was afraid of changing the boy's position, and waking him up, after all, Reo was a very light sleeper (when they shared a room with Chigiri, it was very common for him to wake up in the middle of the night when one of them got up to go to the bathroom), so Rensuke preferred to leave the boy there, not wanting to disturb his sleep.
Five minutes later, Kunigami was in dreamland too, fallen asleep with his head resting against the other teenager's. It had been a while since Reo had such a peaceful and refreshing night's sleep, the last time probably being when he and Nagi shared a bed in team V's dormitory.
He felt as if a burden had been lifted from his shoulders. Obviously, the situation wasn't perfect yet, he still had a lot of things to resolve, conversations to have with Nagi (that is, if they both made it to the next selection), but for now, his mind was clear and calm.