Chapter Text
"Fuck!"
Frustration clung to Hyunjin's knitted brows like his knitted sweater clung to his damp skin; the cool breeze of nightfall blowing right through its pointless crochet.
Shivering, he aimed his car keys every which way, frantically pressing the button to his left, and his right, and even up to the purple and orange sky, praying that his car would just fucking beep.
And it wouldn't fucking beep.
His only response was Jisung's obnoxiously loud, honking laughter trailing behind him. If he wheezed one more time, he'd throw the useless keys on his stupid face.
"Come on, Hwang, it wasn't even that bad!"
"Leave me alone, Han!"
Walking up the steep hill was excruciating. He was running out of breath and patience. The sharp pebble in his shoe limping his step made him want to chop off his foot with the teeth of his keys. Where the fuck did he park his goddamn car?
Hyunjin groaned. He needed to get far away from this party as soon as possible. The bass of the music was still too loud. "That was the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me."
"That's not true. Remember in high school when that guy tried to hold on to something as he fell down the stairs and accidentally pantsed you in front of everyone? That was way more embarrassing than this."
Hyunjin's fist clenched around his keys. He whipped around, his dripping hair slapping his cheek, and scowled at Jisung's shit-eating grin. Maybe he'd like to taste the stinking pile down the road.
"You're an ass."
"I've got a nice one too." Jisung teased, handing him a pristine white towel with a distinct golden embroidery at the hem. "For your troubles."
Hyunjin cocked his eyebrow. "You stole their towel?"
"It's not like the rich fuckers are gonna miss it," he shrugged.
Hyunjin rolled his eyes. Jisung hadn't changed a bit, and he wanted nothing to do with him. He walked away, searching for his car again as he hobbled like an idiot. Stupid fucking pebble. He was so close to throwing his whole leg away.
"Oh, come on, Hwang. So you messed up your routine and fell in the pool. Worst case scenario: you catch a cold. It's not the end of the world."
"It's the end of my career and it hasn't even started yet!" Hyunjin spun back around, arms animated. "Everybody who is anybody was at that party, they're gonna laugh me out of every audition!"
"Ok, I see you still have a flair for the dramatics." Jisung leaned against the railing, wrapping the towel around his neck. "They're not even going to remember you."
Hyunjin froze. Then, scoffed. "And I see you're still an insensitive prick."
"Shit, Hwang, I didn't mean it like that." Jisung took a step forward, but Hyunjin turned around, wincing as he rushed to the nearest bench, the pebble stabbing the sole of his foot with every step.
Stupid fucking pebble in his stupid squeaky shoe.
As soon as he sat, Hyunjin tugged his shoe off, resisting the urge to fling it over the cliff alongside that goddamn stupid fucking pebble.
Running his fingers through his hair, he took calming breaths, his soggy sock on the dirty ground. "I worked so hard just to get to perform at one of those dumb, fancy parties; and all I did was make a fool of myself."
He hid his face behind his hands, but despite the swelling in his chest going up his throat, he wouldn't cry. Not in front of Jisung. Not when he was the reason he had been so distracted in the first place.
"Your career isn't over, Hwang," Jisung spoke up, tone a little softer. "To this day, you're still the best dancer I know."
Hyunjin wished his heart hadn't fluttered.
"Even when you were tripping on your ass back there you still managed to make that look graceful. I'll never understand how you do it." Jisung chuckled, and Hyunjin held his in.
"Point is"---he continued---"you're talented. Anyone worth their money can see that. Your passion will outshine any left-over memory anyone could have of what happened tonight. You deserve your big break and you're gonna get it. There is no doubt in my mind about it."
Hyunjin took it all in---his words as much as the memories they carried; those of Hyunjin being 17 and insecure as Jisung shared a slice of his confidence with him.
Whenever Hyunjin feared his dreams were too big for their small town, Jisung encouraged him with words much like these. They would leave and make it together, he'd say.
Now, Jisung was making a name for himself as a DJ, and Hyunjin was struggling on his own.
Hyunjin wanted to be resentful. Tell him he wasn't allowed to comfort him anymore. But he had never been good at holding grudges.
"Thanks, Han," he said instead, gaining the courage to look up at him. "That was really sweet of you."
Jisung flicked his imaginary, long hair. "Yeah, I am pretty sweet, aren't I?"
"Okay." Hyunjin ignored his proud laughter, putting his shoe back on.
"Come dry up and admire the view with me. It's too lovely a night for you to be grumpy and alone."
Hyunjin sighed. "I just wanna find my car and go home."
"Indulge me 5 minutes and then I'll help you find your car."
Hyunjin had also never been good at refusing Jisung anything.
His teenage years were an amalgamation of bad ideas and reckless adventures Jisung always sweet-talked him into. Even so, he's yet to regret a single one. Every night, he would sneak back home with an ecstatic heart beating from the thrill of being alive.
With a simple plea, Jisung took away his fears.
"Please," Jisung insisted. "For old time's sake."
For me, he meant to say.
From the moment Hyunjin's eyes had locked with Jisung's behind the booth, an overwhelming realization had had him tumbling into the water: for him, he was still capable of anything.
At least the view truly was lovely.
A dark ocean of bright lights below them shining instead of the setting sun.
Hyunjin had fantasized many nights of fleeting touches and heart-warming confessions in picturesque settings much like this one.
What a shame he was here with Jisung.
"Not much to look at, huh?" Hyunjin joked, drying his hair.
Beside him, Jisung's warm, steady gaze on him had his tummy swirling like the sky. "Yeah, I've seen better."
Despite being soaked, Hyunjin was heating up. He needed to leave.
"Um---"
"Do you remember prom night?"
He really needed to leave. "I---"
"You held my hand like this"---Jisung interlaced their fingers---"and then dragged me to the dancefloor like this." He pulled Hyunjin with him towards the empty street, the towel flying away.
"Han, I'm all wet!"
"That's what she said." Jisung wiggled his eyebrows, making Hyunjin smile despite the roll of his eyes. "Then what? Right, you spun me around like this."
He swung Hyunjin all around him, both laughing as he picked up speed and almost lost his balance.
"I am a professional dancer!" Hyunjin retorted, dizzy and dazed. "That is not how I went about it!"
Jisung chuckled, slowing down to a stop. "No, it's not. You actually pulled me close like this." They were chest to chest, and Hyunjin had to hold in his breath. "Then told me to just follow your lead. Like this."
Step forward, sideways, and close. Step backward, sideways, and close.
"You remember?" Hyunjin whispered.
"Yeah... I also remember that I stepped on your feet a few times but I won't recreate those for you."
Hyunjin hated that he could still make the bubbles in his stomach burst into giggles. He hid his burning cheeks in the crook of his neck.
Jisung held him tighter. "You did that too."
They danced like this, to the rhythm of a forgotten song in the depths of their memory, ignoring the weight of what had happened next.
Jisung broke the mirage.
"You're still my favorite person to dance with."
They stopped, and inhaled. Though their hands remained tied, Hyunjin stepped away. With a crack in his voice, he faced the truth.
"You chose someone else, Jisung."
Jisung. He hadn't said that name in years. It tasted too intimate. Forbidden. Like the lips of a friend whose kiss he should have never stolen.
"It's the only thing I've ever regretted."
Hyunjin let go. He needed to sit down. "You made it clear I wasn't good enough for you, Han."
"That's not true." Jisung followed him to the bench. "That's not how I wanted you to feel. I just"---he sat beside him---"I thought I wasn't good enough for you."
Hyunjin's head snapped towards him. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" He shoved his shoulder.
"It wasn't to me at the time! You were--- you were like fuel to me, Hyunjin. Everything that I did I could do because you were there with me; everything that I wanted to do I only wanted to do if you were there with me. You're what drove me to be myself. You... always made me feel safe.
"And I guess--- I guess I just thought that if it ever became more, and I grew to depend on you more, and then more turned into nothing, I just... wouldn't be able to pick myself up again. And you deserved better than a moron who would crumble without you there.
"I thought I was preserving what we had, but I obviously hadn't thought that through."
Hyunjin stared at the sidewalk, fingers gripping the edge of the bench as the past revealed itself to him anew. So many years lost, so much time wasted. Jisung should be knocked upside the head.
"You're a fucking idiot!" He shoved him again, and Jisung laughed.
"Yeah, I really was. Still kinda am, honestly. Less codependent though, so you know: growth." He mimicked a flower blooming with his fingers.
Hyunjin scoffed in amusement, shaking his head. "I used to think you were so brave and cool."
"I could only be like that around you." Jisung hooked his pinky around his. "You were my confidence."
Hyunjin looked down at their hands. "You were my courage."
"Who knows? If you liked me then, maybe you could like me again. Even if just as a friend."
How could he tell him that he had never stopped?
"Yeah, maybe." Hyunjin smiled. "If you help me find my car first like you promised." He dangled his keys.
Jisung chuckled, snatching the device. "You need to put it under your chin." He did as he said. "It turns your head into an antenna."
"That's the dumbest---"
His car beeped.
"Oh."
It had been right across the street.
"Really?" Jisung simpered. "You didn't know it was right there?"
"I didn't---"
"You totally did know."
"I hadn't even---"
"Come on, admit it."
"No, I---"
"Ooh, you wanted to spend more time with me so bad!" Jisung rested his head on his shoulder, a wide grin brightening his features.
Hyunjin bore a smile to match. "Yeah, I really did."