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This is for the lions
living in the wiry broke down frames
Of my friends’ bodies
When the flood water comes it ain’t gonna be clear
it’s gonna look like mud
But I will help you swim
-1st of september, 1971
“GRYFFINDOR!!” the wicked hat shouted, and all of the (already little) colour washed off Sirius’ face. The first ever Griffindor of the Noble and most ancient house of Black, his parents will be horrified.
Great.
His parents will be horrified. Disgusted even. Well, that was a strange turn of events, and Sirius, at the ripe age of 11 and ¾ could feel a little pull of excitement inside of him.
He was a Griffindor, and no amount of money or pureblood connections could have ever changed that, his lovely parents could only suck it up and accept it, regardless of the infamous “Black family madness” nobody would be so crazy to challenge Dumbledore.
Sirius was trying to sort his thought while, oh so slowly, walking towards the Gryffindor table, throwing a glance towards the Slytherin table, where his lovely cousins Andromeda, Bellatrix and Narcissa were all looking at him, giving three very different looks (amused, horrified and disgusted).
He could have only imagined the shouts and the curses that he would have received the following morning in the howler from his parents, he would have had to add Blood Traitor to the already pretty coloured list of adjectives his parents had for him. Mind, none of those were considered insults for Sirius, but still, it’s pretty annoying when those things are being shouted at your face every day.
So he was pretty proud of having been sorted in Gryffindor, another thing that could separate him from his bigoted family, but the pride was not enough to erase the fear of the punishments he would have received back home.
But he would always have Reg sneaking him food in his bedroom, or telling him when it was safe to come out.
Oh, right. Reg.
How could he have forgotten about Reg?Sirius was counting on the fact that he could have written letters to Regulus regularly, but now he wasn't so sure of that. And what about the following year? When Reggie too would have come to Hogwarts? Sure, there was a slight chance that he too would have been a Gryffindor, but what if he wasn’t? What if Reggie got sorted in Slytherin? What then? He could not protect him there, could not screen him from the comments, and the blood supremacists in there, he could not help him escape that wicked circle of purebloods that would sell their families just to be acknowledged by a Black. He would be forever separated from his little brother, and that was the last thing he wanted for them.
HIs stream of negative thoughts was interrupted by a boy throwing all of his weight on him and squeezing him in a suffocating hug.
“What the hell, mate, you scared me!”
“Well, you wouldn’t bloody listen, and you weren’t clapping when I got sorted in Gryffindor too, I got pretty offended by that”
The boy, James Potter, fixed his glasses on the bridge of his nose and gave him a toothy smile, and Sirius could feel all of his negative thoughts leave his mind. He had met James merely 10 hours prior, while running from his cousin Bella, who was trying to force him to sit with her on the train, and it was brotherhood at first sight. Sirius could feel a connection between them, like it was fate that brought them together.
“Bloody hell! Sorry mate, I was just thinking about some family stuff.”
“Well, none of that anymore, now you just gotta enjoy the feast and stuff your tummy until you explode!”
“Yeah mate, you’re right.”
And he broke into a mischievous grin, that would soon become his signature for many years to come.
“Don’t worry Reg” He thought “When you’ll be at Hogwarts too, nothing will separate us, I’ll make sure of that,”
This is for the snakes
And the people they bite,
For the friends I made
For the sleepless nights
-february 1975
The slytherin common room felt familiar, way too familiar, in a way Regulus never really liked. He felt comfortable between the tall stone walls, the leather armchairs, the silver and green drapes and the constant feeling that everything around him shouted wealth and nobility.
He sometimes laid awake at night, longing for a cozyness he never really felt, looking at the cold green and silver decors of his room, feeling trapped in the underwater dungeon. He wished that the Slytherin common room had windows. During those nights Regulus envied the clear view of the sky that the Ravenclaws, from their tower, had. Hell, he almost envied the Gryffindors. But instead he was stuck underground, polar opposite from that damned tower, unable to see the stars, to see his brother.
During those nights he would cast a closing spell on the courtains around his bed, creating total darkness, and would enchant the canopy’s roof to reflect the stars outside, looking for the brightest one. This would numb the coldness he felt, if only a little, and would help him drift in a short, agitated, dreamless sleep. It was better than nothing.
Some days Regulus would catch a glimpse of his brother, sometimes he would even interlock eyes with him, only for a moment, and then abruptly look away. Things were not good at the moment between them, had not been for the past couple of years, actually.
He did not know when it started: the resentment, the abandonment feeling Reg always felt, the longing, the constant feeling of not being just enough for his brother.
They stopped talking at Hogwarts: they had totally different friend groups, different courses, but they were still brothers. Sirius was still his brother and he often ended up thinking: “Just look at me, stop looking at Potter, I’m your brother, you’re supposed to be looking at me!” He felt like a child.
But sometimes, sometimes Regulus would be alone, and see his brother walk towards him. Sometimes he would notice Sirius coming close to him and hesitating, almost as if he was about to say something, and Regulus would find himself begging that he would, begging for anything, begging for himself to say anything to Sirius, his brother, still his brother.
Sometimes Sirius would, sometimes he would say a little “Hey” or he would ask about classes, as a normal brother would. Sirius would try to make him laugh, to coax any kind of reaction out of Reg, and Reg would feel so light, would feel so happy, like a ball of light settled inside of him, warming him up, and would feel the need to tell his brother anything, to share a funny story Barty told him the previous morning, or complain about homeworks, or tell him all about his weird friend Pandora who Sirius would love, but in the end he never would.
Regulus would just send his brother away with some snarky remark and go back to his homework, secretly hoping for his brother to not go, stay with him, fight for him like he used to do at home. It was selfish, and controversial, and weird.
Reg wanted his brother to want only him, to need him like Regulus needed Sirius, to abandon all of his friends to stay with him, and he hated himself for that.
He hated himself for treating his brother that way,
hated himself for needing him still,
after all these years,
hated his brother for having friends other than him,
hated that stupid Potter kid who stole his brother,
hated the stupid sorting hat for putting them in separate houses,
hated the school and the damned housing system,
hated his parents for forbidding him to keeping in touch with his brother,
hated the universe for having them born in that cursed house,
hated himself for being too afraid to disobey and just hug his bloody brother.
Every time it happened Reg would reverse all of his hatred in the toilet at night, not like he had that much to throw up anyway.
For the warning signs i’ve completely ignored
There’s an amount to take
Reasons to take more
-end of term, 1975
Sirius saw his brother, he saw him walking around with his friends, a ghost acting with the confidence of a prince. He saw his little brother alone, sulking, thinking, late at night in the library. He saw him in the slytherin common room at night, spying on him with the map, pretending to not be worried about his brother, wanting to protect him from something he didn’t even know what it was, feeling the urge to throw himself in the fire for his brother.
He tried, and tried, and tried to talk to his brother, he would see those godforsaken walls crack in his brother’s eyes, but never quite falling, never letting him talk to him, telling him why he was not eating enough, why his eyes looked so tired all the time, why was he dragging himself around instead of being the prince he had everyone believe he was. He did not understand why his brother was so close, but always so out of reach.
Maybe they really were like stars, so close in the charts when in reality there’s a full sky between them.
Regulus knew what was coming, maybe he always had. He saw Sirius play, joke, run, live with his friends in a way that broke his heart. He wanted to scream. He wanted to kill them. He really, really really wanted to join them.
Regulus knew he was not enough for his brother, but he still wished.
During the holidays they would both go back home, and those were the only times the two brothers felt like they could fix things, like they could go back to being just brothers, like they were before Hogwarts, before Potter, before the houses, before this bloody war.
It would take some time, but they would fall back in place again, sneaking in each other's room at night to not be heard by their parents or Kreacher, not talking, but staying in the other’s company, breathing the same air, feeling the other’s heat, trying to close the cracks between them.
And every time they felt like they were doing it, like finally, finally they had made some progress: Sirius would coax a laugh out of Regulus, and Regulus would tell Sirius that he missed him, and they would feel good, finally at peace.
But that could never last.
Because sometimes one of them would laugh too hard, or would not close the door properly while sneaking out of his bedroom, or Sirius would say too much at the dinner table, and Regulus would stay quiet, not wanting to upset their parents more, and both of them would feel betrayed, again.
Why couldn’t Sirius just keep his mouth shut, and why couldn't Regulus just speak up for once?
Maybe that was just their fate.
Besides, stars could never get too close, because when two stars collide, their destiny is to consume each other until extinction.
So they would go back hating each other, not talking, not looking, closing up on their bedroom, burning and suffering alone.
The holidays would finish, and they would have to go back to Hogwarts,one resenting the other again, hurt and alone.
They knew what was coming, they just wouldn’t acknowledge the signs, that would have hurt too much.
It’s no big surprise
You turned out this way,
When they closed their eyes
And prayed you world change
When they cut your hair
And sent you away
You stopped by my house
The night you escaped
With tears in my eyes
I begged you to stay
You said “Hey man I love you
But no fucking way”
-christmas 1975
It was night when it finally happened, when Sirius finally snapped.
He just couldn’t take it anymore, the violence, the insults, the curses, and now they were talking about joining Voldemort. It was too much.
Sirius had to leave. The new wounds on his body were just another confirm, the last proof he needed. If he hadn’t left, he would have died in that house.
His lovely mother had decided to try some new form of punishment that left Sirius wheezing on the floor, unable to move, to see, to feel anything but pain for hours.
He couldn’t take it anymore, he knew the Potters would have welcomed him, and even if they hadn’t, anywhere would have been better than that house.
He had one last thing to do.
Sirius walked down the corridor that took him in front of that door, took three deep breaths, and finally knocked right under the solver plaque that read “R.A.B”
Regulus opened the door, took a look at Sirius and knew what was coming.
“So you’re leaving”
Please say no
“Yes, I have to.”
“No, you don’t, you can still stay.”
Just stay, for me
Regulus knew, deep down, that that was not true, because staying would have meant dying for Sirius, if not literally, it would have killed his spirit, everything that he believed in, everything he fought for.
He wished Sirius would do it, for him.
“You know I can’t.”
“Please don’t go.”
“Come with me”
“What?”
“Come with me, to the Potters, there’s enough space for both of us, they will welcome you like a son, please, come with me”
Regulus laughed, a cold laugh, Sirius was startled, like he was not standing in front of his brother, but in front of his mother. He took a step back, wide eyed at the sight of his brother.
“I don’t want to leave, Sirius, you are the one who wants to turn his back to his family” To me “But I have no desire to do such thing”
“ So you just want to stay here? With them? In this cold house, with their hatred and their punishments? This is not love, Regulus, I can show you what real love is, please just come with me.”
Sirius reached for his arm, extending his hand, trying to touch his brother, but Regulus flicked his hand away.
“If you wanted to show me love you would not leave, you would stay, instead of leaving me for your friends. I am your brother, not them. I am your family, your true family.”
Regulus could feel tears collecting at the corner of his eyes, but he did not care.
“Please, stay, they can still forgive you, they can still change their minds, if you would only behave, I’m sure they would-”
“And change everything I am? Destroy all of my principles? For what? For What Reg?? A family that does not truly love me, but only needs me for their fucking political affairs?”
“FOR ME! YOU SHOULD STAY FOR ME SIRIUS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MY BROTHER!”
“Reg, I love you, but no fucking way.”
“Then I guess that does it. Goodbye Sirius.”
“Reg please, wait-”
But it was too late, Regulus shut the door, and with that he shut his brother out of his life.
He waited until he heard Sirius’ footsteps leave from his doorstep, and until he heard the floo on the library across the hall being activated, his brother saying “Potter Manor” and the crackling of the fire swallow his voice, and then finally he started crying.
(Twin size mattress- The front bottoms)