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“What’s that, a gift from a fan?” Kaidan leaned his hip on the desk near Shepard and examined the pendant around his neck- a delicate vial in the shape of a rounded triangle with clouds of luminescent purple and blue swirling inside.
“If you could call Tali that,” Shepard nudged Kaidan’s thigh. “You’re sitting on my documents of galactic importance.”
Kaidan shifted away to allow three datapads be yanked free from underneath the curve of his behind. “She’s into making souvenirs now?”
“Not really. This is what they use to fertilize the land on Rannoch. Apparently it makes the vegetables grow a whole cycle within two weeks. Side effect include glowing though,” Shepard placed the pads near the wall and turned to face Kaidan. “She sent this a month ago, asked me to call her when I got the package so she could see me wear it. Then she showed me some images of their agricultural prowess,” he reached out and took Kaidan’s hand in his own, toying with his fingers. “It looks like some science fiction game from a century ago. They have fields upon fields of gigantic vines that grow on the ground and glow purple.”
“And so she sent you this… Necklace with fertilizer in it?” Kaidan looked skeptical.
“Well… Yes,” Shepard crossed his legs at the ankles and gestured Kaidan to sit in his lap. “I appreciate the thought behind it.”
“As long as you don’t send her a jar of compost back,” Kaidan snorted and followed Shepard’s movements, sliding comfortably into the other’s lap. “How is she doing, by the way? I heard Garrus was planning on visiting after he helps his family on Palaven.”
“She sounds excited and exhausted,” Shepard pressed his forehead to Kaidan’s shoulder, feeling the man’s warmth seeping through the thin fabric of his shirt.
“And you can relate,” Kaidan’s voice softened. He curled both hands around Shepard, his palms resting on top of his left shoulder.
“We all can. We didn’t have much time to relax after what happened did we? Hospital, then helping your mother, then all those meetings on Sur’kesh, testimonies, interviews, reports…” Shepard muttered into Kaidan’s chest.
“You were kept in an artificial coma for over half a year while the best medics in the galaxy worked on rebuilding you,” Kaidan placed his chin on top of Shepard’s head. “While time was standing still for you, everyone else kept on going, licking their wounds.”
Shepard groaned and closed his eyes. “It’s a recurring theme in my life, it seems.”
“I was with you this time. Seeing you at first… It was harsh Shepard. But you got better every time I visited, and it gave me hope. It gave everyone hope,” Kaidan’s voice resonated through his chest and in Shepard’s ear.
“How often did you come to visit?”
“Hard to say. Sometimes I’d come every day, sometimes I only had the chance to do it once every few weeks,” Kaidan Shrugged. “It was a lot of waiting, but not a lot of worrying. You were stable, we knew you were gonna make it and that it was just a matter of time. Miranda sent me a file with some charts and a lot of impressive medical gibberish. Said she didn’t expect to gain more from project Lazarus than she already did. Apparently it shortened your beauty sleep by a couple of months.”
“Mm,” Shepard nuzzled into Kaidan’s chest and placed one open palm on his belly.
“And that was the only time I’ve heard from her. From what I’ve heard she tries to stay away from governmental business now. Sticks to private companies with clean reputations.”
“Makes sense, after what has become of Cerberus,” Kaidan’s comment about Miranda made him purse his lips. He tried not to let disappointment settle in his chest, both in himself for not inquiring enough about the time he had been unconscious and the very fact that those few months have now gone to waste.
“What did you do when you were visiting me, Kaidan?” Shepard’s head popped from under the other man’s shoulder.
“Well, when I wasn’t accompanied by medical staff I would talk to you. Keep you updated. I mean, I realize it sounds crazy but it helped me cope, you know? Kept me grounded and reminded me that you’re still in there, somewhere.”
“Was that hard?” Shepard placed his other hand around Kaidan’s waist, keeping him in place.
“Sometimes… Sometimes it felt like I was wasting my time. Like I should just try to forget it all until you got better. At least, at first it was like that. But you never really left my thoughts,” Kaidan allowed himself be pulled into a tight embrace. “I was remembering a lot of things. Our last night before London, Apollo’s, Horizon… BAaT I remembered how I built dreams of sharing my life with Rhana, how in my head she and I would get married, what our first dance song would be, how she would look in a beautiful dress… Seems too sweet and wistful now.”[Y1]
Silence filled the room like a drop of ink expanding in water.
“And what I have with you…” Kaidan whispered after a short while. “What I have with you is much more subtle. It’s not big dreams of fancy weddings and a house with a front lawn and a toddler… When I think of a future with you, I don’t imagine any of those things.”
Shepard’s arms grew tight around him.
“I see… A man standing by my side no matter what. And it brings me such comfort,” Kaidan blinked slowly, staring at the light gray tiles. “My happiness does not depend on how easy or good my life is, you know?” he swallowed, allowing himself a short pause before speaking again. “I have my safe place right here,” he squeezed Shepard for good measure.
“I never really thought about my own future before. I thought I would serve, perhaps die a hero,” Shepard admitted and rubbed the bridge of his nose against Kaidan’s jaw. The man’s words, speaking of simplicity and safety, made blood rush to his head and fill his ears with a faint rustle which wasn’t entirely unpleasant. “I didn’t expect you to happen.”
“Happen?” Kaidan pulled his head away from Shepard’s nuzzling, a playful and relaxed expression on his face.
“Yes, happen. I can’t find better words for it,” Shepard insisted and turned to press kisses to Kaidan’s shoulder and collar instead, sneaking one onto a patch of bare skin whenever he could. “I was never brave enough to make the first move, Kaidan. You made it so clear that you played by the rules and obeyed regulations that I didn’t dare asking. Your occasional remark about women didn’t help either.”
“Wait. Wait, you had a crush on me?” Kaidan snorted.
“Kaidan, we’re practically married by now.”
“Yeah, sure, but that’s still something I wish I would have known sooner,” he let Shepard place several more kisses on his neck before slipping out of his hug and getting on his feet. “I wonder if Liara knew about it. She’s always been good with this stuff. Reading people, you know?”
“Kaidan…” Shepard warned. “You’re not going to bother Liara with this.”
“I won’t if you tell me if she knew,” Kaidan teased.
“She… suspected, I think,” Shepard pursed his lips together, trying to catch Kaidan’s hand and sit him back in his lap. “After I rejected her.”
Kaidan pulled his arm out of reach and instead knocked both knees against the seat of Shepard’s chair, pushing the back against the desk and touching his ankles to Shepard’s. “She said nothing about it.”
“We weren’t that close back then. She didn’t think it was appropriate to mention it,” Shepard hooked two fingers in the empty beltloops of Kaidan’s pants.
“Well I can’t say that she’s in the wrong but I kind of wish that she had,” Kaidan smiled and placed both arms on the handles of the chair, dipping down for a brief kiss. “Would have given us a bit more time together.”
“And made our reunion much more emotionally loaded,” Shepard remarked and returned the kiss.
“And that, yeah...” Kaidan smiled and pressed their foreheads together.
The seriousness from his earlier confession was all but gone now, leaving a sort of intimacy and a sense of familiarity in its wake.
Kaidan’s fingers traced the rounded outline of Tali’s gift to Shepard. “You know, I really like this,” he squeezed it in his hand.
“Really? Never took you to be a fan of alien agriculture, Kaidan.”
“Very funny,” Kaidan rolled his eyes and opened his palm. Inside the pendant, fat bubbles of purple and blue were bursting into swirls and reforming a few moments later. “That’s not what I meant. It’s a reminder, Shepard, you know? That we should never lose hope to rise from our ashes and become stronger. Wiser, too,” he added as an afterthought.
Shepard looked down at Kaidan’s hand holding the pendant before covering it with his own. “Yeah… You’re right Kaidan. It never is.”