Chapter Text
You are on your own, Kid.
Falling down on his ass Kim bites his lip to hide a whimper, his hands are red with blood from the multiple falls, his face is going to have a big bruise tomorrow, fuck, his makeup is going to take an hour to be done.
"Get up". Chan orders, he sees the sadistic smile on Seth face, he in enjoying this too much, Kim really wanted to have another partner for the training but Seth was the chosen one. "Are you giving up, Kim?"
Snarling, Kim gets up going to the middle of the mat, his legs are shaking, his arms are sore and trembling lightly, the last meal he had was yesterday morning... is Pa going to be furious if he faints? This damn thing needs to be done quicker; he is not sure he will have more energy to keep going for a long time, maybe he can end this shit soon and have a more than necessary nap.
"Again, we need you to be faster, if someone attacks you, you have to be able to fight back and run, Seth, again". Chan orders, he is watching closely the training like always, small mercies.
They begin again, a punch to his stomach, he blocks it with his knee, another to the neck, Kim barely gets down before it connects with his skin, an laugh from Seth before he does a series of complicated blows, some connecting at his side, others being blocked by him; he tries his own, a kick on the leg, Seth laughs again, mocking him by the sound of it, how much he hates that laugh, how much he hates all of this, he is done, if he could shoot a gun in the middle of his forehead it would be so fucking precious, just to pull the trigger and Bam! Nothing else to do.
"Kim!" He doesn't react fast enough to Chan warning, Seth kicks him on the middle of the chest so hard that he falls a few meters away, he can't breathe and his vision blurs, holy fuck. "Kim! Seth! Go for the doctor, now!"
Kim moans lying on his side trying to catch his breath, that bastard did it on purpose, after all, yesterday he spit in his face after the beating his father ordered, damn, he has more training after dinner with his family, fuck. Kim really needs a nap or be killed soon.
"Kim?" Chan says kneeling at his side, he is touching his shoulder lightly, Kim opens his eyes sitting on the ground slowly, he denies when Chan tries to help him while he is trying to get up but failing back on the ground. "Kid, we should go to the medical so they can check you up, that last kick was hard".
"I'm fine, I'll go change for the dinner with papa, thank you though". Kim gets up slower than other times but it is enough, he goes out of the gym, running away from Chan, he knows that if he goes to the doctor, he'll ask what happened to him, the bruise that is going to start showing on his chest isn't the only one, the scars under his clothes will be concerning, the ways his ribs are so prominent will make them call Kinn or worst, Khun so they can talk with him.
Kim walks to his room, he has enough time to take a bath and have a little nap before he has to face his father and siblings, he is not really sure he has enough strength to see Khun drugged stare or the way Kinn looks at him with anger... hating him, he has enough over his shoulder with the works Papa has been making him do and the extra training he had since his grandfather was alive.
"Kim". Anon whispers once he is almost on his doorstep, the man handles him a chocolate with a small smile, careful of who might be seeing. "You haven't eaten today; do you want me to go for a hot chocolate or a milkshake?"
"I... thank you, I'll just sleep and eat on the dinner Anon, really thanks". He takes him by the shoulders squeezing it before entering his bedroom leaving his must loyal guard outside.
Anon is the only one who seems to notice the way he has been avoiding food, him and the kid under Kinn supervision, he thinks his name is Big... it is obvious that he is a good bodyguard but it is obvious too that he has feelings for his brother, Kim is not sure how to feel about it, Kinn has been open of his sexuality for a long time and he is in a relationship or something with a guy he met at a bar, he already feels a headache coming with the damn bruise in the middle of his chest, thinking about the guy his brother is dating makes him uneasy, there is something wrong with that guy but Kinn is happy, so happy that Kim can’t make himself do something about that feeling.
Once inside he goes straight to the bathroom, he declines the mere thought of the bathtub, it would mean to have less time to sleep, taking all his clothes off he avoids the mirror on the wall, looking at the bruises and his own emaciated face won't do any good, he just needs to sleep it off, a nap and the promise of food once the time is up is the push he needs to keep going, one step at time, one day at time.
Washing his body as fast as he can Kim gets out of the bathroom putting a boxer brief and an oversized shirt, climbing into the bed he closes his eyes completely exhausted; he goes out before he can remember to put an alarm or tell Anon to wake him up.
｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆
"Kid! Get the fuck up now!" A scream from the door startles Kim, he is on his feet in an instant going to the door without a coherent thought on his mind, once he is next to it Kim finds himself opening it just a little, Anon is right in front of it stopping a fuming Seth from coming in.
"I'll take Khun Kinn to the dining room once he is awake, now go". His guard says, Seth grabs him by the shirt smashing him against the door, it takes all of Kim strength for it not to move an inch, Anon doesn’t make a sound even when Kim knows that must hurt, Seth is never careful with the way he moves or delivers blows.
“Quickly, dog, Khun Korn doesn’t like to be left waiting”. With a last gentle slap on Anon cheek Seth goes away, just when Kim sees him go down the hallway till, he is no longer visible is when he opens the door.
“Are you okay? I’m sorry I over sleep”. He says feeling bad for the trait Anon has to suffer.
“Is not a problem, Kim, go and change, your father is waiting”. Anon says, Kim doesn’t miss the lingering stare on his thighs, he has a bad bruise on them, the rope Seth put around them last week left an ugly contusion still his friend doesn’t say a thing, Kim knows Anon has to have a little of knowledge of the late sessions or the works Papa makes him do but he is smart enough to not talk, that’s the only reason he is by his side still.
Kim runs to put clothes on, some jeans that are already a little lose on him and a black button up shirt, it is big on him too, damn Papa will have a word or two about it, Kim really needs to remember to eat more, this can’t be going to more time, there is knock on his door remembering the rush he is in, Kim puts on the first pair of shoes he finds going out in a small run with Anon behind, he looks at a clock when he is about to enter the dinner room, fuck he is almost twenty minutes late.
“Kim, you finally decided to join us”. Papa says with a tight lip smile, for the angriness on his eyes he can already feel the damn beating he’ll have to endure tonight.
“I’m sorry, Papa”. He whispers sitting in the table, he is right in front of Kinn with Khun at his side.
“What was so important that you were late?” Korn keeps pressing, Kim tries to sees his brother in the eyes, to ask for back up, for something to have a little of strength to face his father but the angry stare Kinn gives him makes him bite his tongue, Kinn is mad.
“I feel asleep father, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again”. He mutters not looking at anyone just his plate, he grabs his tight in a hard grip, the pain from the bruises focuses him.
“You need to prioritize your time then; you are not a kid anymore”. This time is Kinn who speaks, Kim nods immediately so needy of his brother approval.
“I’ll do it Phi, I promise”. Kinn makes an angry sound, Kim swallows the bile on his mouth, how in hell can he make Kinn proud? His nails sink into the fabric of his pants, pain, that is the only feeling that makes his mind come back online these days.
“Let’s eat, forget about this whole nonsense” Korn orders and the staff moves.
The movement of the girls putting food in the table break a little the tension of the room, Kim feels his mouth water, he is so hungry, fuck he really wants to eat all the food being put in front, he sees the smile a girl gives him, Meera, he smiles too, she is the best, that smile means he will have pastries later if he is good, she is the best with him.
The dinner goes with what they can call calmness, Kim makes sure to put the best portions on Khun´s plate, his brother is a little too gone but he eats making small humming noises when a bite is good or a food is tasty enough, Kim is happy with how Khun is finally coming back to reality, he asked the psychiatric about ways to help him and if they could start decreasing the doses and it is working, Khun is not the shell of a human being anymore, he is more awake, more perceptive to the environment even when nor his father or other people seem to notice, Kinn maybe does or it is what Kim wants to think.
“Here, Phi, try this chicken”. He says giving Khun a small portion, his brother smiles at him and it all is worth it.
“I see you are more worried about your brother eating, Kim, Sara, take Kim plate, he is done eating”. Korn says, Kim looks at his father but the small chuckle of Kinn takes his full attention.
“I…”
“You are getting fat, Kim, it is good that father makes you remember to stop eating so damn much”. Kinn says, Kim sees as his plate is taken away but doesn’t say a thing, maybe they are right, he is too fat.
“Here, Khun, let me feed you more”. He distracts himself from the noises his stomach does, he barely ate a small portion of chicken and soup but that will be enough, tomorrow at school he can sneak out of classes to buy noodles, yeah, that will be his plan. Khun keeps making noises of approval and he moves a hand to touch Kim leg, it is a uncoordinated move that hit his bruise making him bite his lip to stop the whine that almost escapes his lips.
“Chan told me you were really slow today, Kimhan”. Papa says after he cleans Khun lips, his brother leans to him a little, maybe he is trying to hide Kim behind him like when they were kids but now Kim is no longer nine, crying for his mother while Khun and Kinn hug him, he is fifteen.
“I got distracted, Papa”. He says obliging himself to look into his father eyes, he knows the late-night training is going to leave him breathless, more than that, he will need to sneak into the infirmary for some painkillers or something a little more strong, his hands start sweating.
“We’ll need to work in it then, we can’t have your brother have such a weak and distracted second hand, don’t we?” Kim nods stealing a small look of Kinn who seems bored, is he boring to his brother?
“Go and get ready for your late session with Seth, Kim, we don’t need you here anymore”. Kim tries again to look at Kinn, maybe he can save him from the time alone with Seth, like he did so many years ago.
“Do you want me to walk you there or what?”. Kinn asks mocking, he denies swallowing the lump on his throat.
“Sorry, excuse me”. He mumbles with a rough voice, he leaves not listening to what start to be a small talk between Kinn and Papa, they always talk better when he is not around, the family seems to be better when Kim is not here.
｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆
“You are such a failure, kid”. Seth laughs over his body, Kim is laying in the ground trying to breath over the pain and shame he has, he really is a failure. “Get up, I don’t have time for this”.
Kim tries, he really tries to get up but his body is not responding anymore, he is too damn tired, everything hurts and the lack of food is starting to make his head fuzzy, with an angry growl Seth gets near kicking him several times on the stomach, he whimpers but nothing more, Kim can’t do more.
“Fucking useless”. After a last hard kick on his chest Kim hears as the man goes away, he curls up on the ground, there are no more tears on his eyes, those were over after his mother died, after Kinn stopped being his hia to become this… this shadow of a brother.
It takes several tries for Kim to get up, he groans with the pain all over his body but he can manage, he has to, Papa was clear, he has to be the best of the best, he already failed when Khun was taken away and look how that ended up, with him so traumatized that he barely reacts to human contact, with Kinn hating him for it all, for not being enough, Kim tastes blood on his mouth but doesn’t say a thing, he goes slowly to the infirmary, the bunch of guards around don’t say a thing to him, when he arrives, the doctor is asleep and the nurse just turns around, she knows what he does once in a while but is not her problem, is not anyone’s problem
Kim looks around the bunch of bottle pills till he finds what he has been looking for, benzodiazepines, he learned about them when Khun came back, those relax the body and help with pain, those make him feel good, like when Kinn used to hug him, he takes two bottles and goes back to his bedroom, just a pill tonight and Kim will sleep well, just a pill.
It starts like that.
｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆
“Can I go to my friend’s house?” Kim asks his father, he gets slapped but doesn’t make a sound, he is strong enough now, he can endure this, he just got here late yesterday from one of his first missions, a punishment for his lack of power, for being weak; the pills he took before coming here to face his father make his fuzzy, it is fine, everything is good like this.
“Did I give you permission to talk, Kimhan?”. Papa says cleaning his hand from the drops of blood he got on his skin after his lip got open.
“I’m sorry, father”. He says and again another slap, this one from Seth, Kim clenches his fists.
“You haven’t learned a thing, Kimhan, what a waste”. Korn mutters taking a sip of whisky. “Why do you want to go to that boy house?”
“We have a team project”. He whispers trying not to angry his father more than he has been doing, Kim knows it is a lie, he just wants to go to Mike house to eat and have a nice day, to use his studio, he has a studio, Mike’s father is a compositor and he will let Kim use it, they asked already.
“Hmm, I see; how much time are you going to be there?”. Korn asks again distracted by something on his computer; Kim feels the pain of the beating those tugs gave him on his back but doesn’t move an inch, if he moves Seth or Korn will beat him for it, Chan makes a small movement with his eyebrows trying to make him remember it.
“A couple of hours, I’ll be here for my night training”. Kim knows that is what his father is asking for.
“Take Anon with you then, don’t be late”. Nodding Kim bows before Korn, he knows how to treat his father, Chan looks pleased with the permission for him, he gives the main bodyguard a tiny smile before going out as fast as he can, he is excited, Mike said he could sing the song he wrote a couple of weeks before as well as the cover he had been dying to do; it is a secret for him only, well maybe Anon and Chan know too, about his passion on music, how much he wants to become a singer. Papa can’t know he has that dream still, not after he found him writing a song, he can’t be that weak for him.
“It seems you got permission, Khun Kim”. Anon says once he is next to him on the elevator, his excitement is showing then.
“Yeah, just make sure we got out to be here on time for the night lesson, I tend to lose track of time when I’m doing music”. He says running inside his room to grab his backpack and hide inside it a notebook, his notebook it has his lyrics written in there, his whole feelings are in there, he needs it for the song; he could save it after Seth found it and broke it, the pages are torn or wrinkled but it is still readable. He barely covers his busted lip and bruise with concealer, the rest of the bruises aren’t notable with clothes on, he needs to go.
Once outside again Anon and him take the elevator to go down, he is too damn happy, this is the best thing that has happen to him in a while not even the feeling he has when he takes those pills at night make him feel like this, Kim doesn’t notice his father nor his brother and the boyfriend till Anon puts a hand on his shoulder, hiding him behind himself, still Kim can hear what Kinn is saying and it makes it hard to breathe.
“Then I can move out with Tawan?”
“We’ll talk about it, Kinn, let me talk with your brother and if he takes your place then yeah”.
Tawan laughs like he just won the entire world, Kim feels like he is suffocating, he… becoming heir? He is already too damn busy with the whole training to be Kinn’s knife, to be his protector and warrior, he has to be the heir now? Hasn’t Kim done enough? He is supposed to be the baby of the family, he is supposed to be looked after just like Vegas does with his baby brother but then…
“Kim, I thought you were going to do a project in a boy house”. Korn sees him, Kim swallows the tears and nods bowing to both, his father and brother, walking to the main entrance where a car is already waiting for him.
“Kim is a good brother babe; he will do it”. He hears Tawan say to Kinn, he bites his lip till it bleeds again.
When he is inside the cabin, he sings with all the pain, all the fear, his face is full of tears and he hugs the torn notebook close to his chest.
Mike’s father hugs him when he is done, Kim flinches from fear, it has been a while since a merely hug was given to him, the man puts a note on Kim’s backpack without him noticing…
Kim is too late to see what that note said, he is too late in everything lately.
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“We can’t be friends anymore”. Mike says on his father funeral; a car accident took the man life; the other driver flew the scene.
“But… But we know each other since we were young”. He whispers, his back hurts again, he might have a broken bone or something like that but he needed to be here for Mike, to be here for the guy who gave him a home, who said he could stay with him while he finds a way to run away and have a place of his own.
“I… Don’t ever talk to me again, stay away from my family and me, Kimhan”. Mike says and turns around crying in his mother embrace, the woman looks at him with pity, Kim doesn’t know what he did wrong.
On the car ride back home Kim thinks about what he did, he was there when Mike got the news that his father was dead, he let the other boy hug him, he held him till his mother came to retrieve him, he went to the funeral… then why?
He got the answer that same day when he was being put under water to make him hold the breath enough time, when he was tied up almost passing out from the lack of oxygen his father puts a note right in front of his face, it was Mike’s father writing, what?
Call me if you need help, you have a home here
“That kid is fatherless because of you, son. Do one more stupid thing and I’ll bring Khun here instead”.
Kim cries for the second time after his mother died when they leave him there, shaking from fear and cold, Big finds him on his night patrol, he needs to be on the medical aisle for a week, his father sends Kinn to one of his missions, Kinn barely gets out, three bodyguards are killed that night too.
Kim starts packing what he can when he is back in his room, he needs to talk to Kinn, have back up, have his brother help.
｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆
They discover the whole mess Tawan was doing a couple of days later, when Kim was about to ask Kinn for help he watched as Tawan talked with a guy on the cellphone, he started digging on the messages and interactions the man had, Kim didn’t have a friend anymore so he has too much free time, he discovers the way Tawan has been selling Kinn’s info to the other’s families, the first person he goes to is Kinn, it is his duty as the second hand and brother.
Kin didn’t believe him.
He didn’t get hit by him but it was a near thing, Kinn pushed him so hard that he fell and called him off, he said he was a liar, Kim doesn’t give up easly.
Kinn killed Tawan a day after he goes to Papa with the whole info, his father looked pleased with it all.
Kim holds Kinn while he cries his heart out between Khun and him, he doesn’t care about the hard words of his brother, he is here to protect them both.
They don’t do the same with him.
｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆
Kim’s hands are shaking when he knocks on Kinn’s door, this is it, he had enough and this is his last resource, his brother. The bodyguard, Big, gives him a worried look but he ignores it, if someone tries to talk to him, Kim might throw up from mere fear, he had taken a sip of whisky from the bar, he needed the liquid value.
“Come in”. He hears Kinn say, Kim takes a deep breath, brazing himself for it before getting inside.
“Hia?” He asks once he is inside, the door closed at his back, Kinn seems surprised by him showing up here. “Can we talk?”
“I’m busy Kim, what do you want?” Kinn says, it almost makes him rethink but no, he made his decision, he will put his plan on action tonight with or without Kinn’s help.
“I… Can I ask for something?”. Kim says, Papa’s words are hard to forget, he needs permission to talk, he is no one to talk without it, even here in the presence of his brother Kim needs the permission, he needs someone to make him realize that he is actually someone, someone who has a right, who has a heart.
“Okay?” Kinn asks with a frown, Kim tries to sound as calm as he can but his voice still shakes.
“I… need money and… a place to stay, I want to go”. He whispers still looking at Kinn’s eyes, he sees the incredulity in that deep brown eye.
Kinn laughs after a second.
“You want what? Are you trying to say you’ll run away?” Kinn asks with the remaining of laughter in his voice, Kim doesn’t know if he doesn’t believe him or just thinks he is too weak, too stupid to do something like that, to escape from this life.
“Yeah, I… I need your help to go, I need my brother”. He says back, there is a chill on his back, a premonition of what’s to come.
“And what about the family? What about Khun? Papa?” Kinn says, Kim watches as he gets up, he is taller, broader too, Kim's problem with his weight, the lack of food at first from the way people, when he said people it was his own father and his brother words, and after it was how he just stopped wanting to eat, stop feeling hungry and more made him smaller even for someone his age or the genetics, Kim knows he resembles more of his mother, she was petit.
“I… You’ll know where I am if you or Khun need me, but just you, not … I don’t want Papa to know”.
“So… you want me to take the whole business on my shoulder and over that, you want me to lie to Papa and help you”. Kinn continues, Kim knows that isn’t a question but still he nods. “Are you fucking crazy?”
Kim flinches, Kinn never screams, not to him or Khun, he stands where he is, this is his last resource, he doesn’t know what to do if there is no help from inside, just… he needs his brother; he stopped trying to have his father grace some time ago, when he realized that it was his own father who killed Mike’s father and who threatened Mike and his mother and the rest of his school mates from getting near him, he stopped trying to defend Korn but Kinn… he was his brother, he was the one who held him when Ma died, he was the one who used to wash him, who taught him to play guitar…
Kinn was everything he had left…
“Please, hia”. He tries again, Kinn laughs and walks till he takes him by the shoulders.
“You are fucking crazy, go and play with your damn bodyguard, fuck him for all I care, we need you here, not away”. That makes Kim mad, the fact that Kinn is a fuckboy doesn’t mean Kim is the same, Anon is his friend, just that!
“Fuck you! Tawan betrayed you and now you use escorts but that doesn’t mean we all do!” That is a bad thing to say, no one mentions Tawan, well, fuck it.
“You! You are no one to talk!”. Kim almost takes a step back; he makes another mistake by not doing it. “You fucking liar! You are the failure of the family!”. Kinn snarls.
“At least I didn’t fuck the one who sells my secrets! At least I am better than you! If I am a failure then what does that make you?!”
He is screaming at Kinn and then he is on the ground, Kim is shocked, why did he fall? Did he trip? He touches his nose when something warm goes down, blood… Kinn punched him? Kinn fucking hit him? The horrified realization that the only person he thought was on his side just hit him is enough to stop Kim from reaction, from taking all the lessons he has into action, he feels his heart stopping, he feels his throat closing up as tears come into his eyes.
He loses.
Kim just lost everything.
But it gets worst.
“You are the fucking reason mama is dead! It should have been you! Not her! You were supposed to died that day not her!” Kinn screams, Kim can’t move, he really can’t. “I wish for you to never be born! Maybe that way Mama would be here and not you! I fucking hate you!”
Kim stops breathing.
That hurt worse than the lowest punched he had received.
That doesn’t even compare to the years of torture from Seth and Papa.
Maybe Kinn was right, it should’ve been him.
He feels as tears start to run down his face.
Kim gets up without looking at his br… at Kinn, he gets the fuck out of there without waiting for a second, he doesn’t see the worried glance from Big, he doesn’t see how Chan is getting there too.
Kim had enough, tonight he will run away.
No one needs him, he is a failure.
Tonight, he will be free.
He is on his own after all, he always has been.