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Li Lianhua woke up with a start, every muscle in his body in body tensed in anticipation of a fight. The reason for that alarm was easy enough to trace— someone was taking off his clothes. And underneath a sweet, delicate scent in the air, he could smell the sharp tang of blood.
He reached up to push the person away. His reserves of inner energy had been drained almost entirely dry, but he could still gather what was left within him for this one move. It was the sound of someone’s voice that made his hand pause before he struck.
“Li Lianhua?”
He should know that voice. Something told him that particular sound signalled safety, but losing his clothes did not seem to be the safest fate. He tried to shake his head at the person with him, but then stopped as the movement caused a fresh wave of pain to crash over him, knocking him off balance. The rush of blood in his ears felt loud enough that he wondered if he was drowning again.
But the person with him was still talking, and he strained to hear the words.
“It’s just me.”
They seemed to think it should mean something. Li Lianhua’s hand moved again, slower this time, more gentle, as though instead of pushing that person away, he felt the need to pull them closer. Even if his thoughts were too scattered to recognise anything, his body seemed to have decided for him.
Despite the tenderness he heard in it now, his memories were of the same voice shouting with barely suppressed violence. “Who wants to hurt Li Lianhua? Come at me if you aren’t afraid of dying.”
Whoever they were, whatever they were doing, they still seemed like someone he could trust. And at least they were now waiting for his permission to continue divesting him of his clothes. He could refuse them, and yet he did not.
“Alright.” He said after a moment.
If there was a reply, he did not hear it. He was trying to remember something else they had said, at some other time.
“No one can take him away.”
That seemed important. He did not want to be taken away either. It would be so much nicer to remain where he was, with this gentle person. Instinct told him they were both better when they were together… perhaps they were partners of some kind?
His possible partner’s tone was even gentler when they next spoke, a touch of hesitation in their voice, “Xiaohua?”
“Disrespectful brat.” He muttered immediately. It seemed like a reasonable response, and it was the only one he could come up with. Since thinking seemed impossible anyway, all he wanted to do was to go back to that state of oblivion again, the one where he was beyond feeling the ache that had settled deeper than his bones.
He heard a quiet huff of laughter, “I can’t tell if you’re awake or not.”
And neither could he, suspended as he was between the worst of both states. But listening to this person speak made it better, as though someone was guiding him forward even in the dark.
“It's alright, don’t worry.”
An easier request than it should have been. There was already someone who could worry enough for both of them. Li Lianhua felt as though his task was to reassure that person, but he had fallen short somehow.
Something around his waist loosened, it must have been his belt falling open. And that same voice attempting to soothe him. “I really have to strip those off, they’re dirty… just bear with it a little longer. I won’t peek, I promise.”
“Dirty.” He repeated, trying to make sense of the word.
What was so dirty about them? Was it him? Someone seemed to be telling him he had blood on his hands, but even as that thought made his hands fall away from the arms holding him, he found himself pushing the grating sound of that other voice aside. He’d lived with the sound of it all his life, he was used to ignoring it.
Again, that person spoke, and Li Lianhua wished he had the strength to pry his eyes open and see their face. He had a feeling it would be a very lovely face, just like the voice and the scent that went with it. “Only a little dirty. You also have sand in your hair, did you know that? But don’t worry about it. I’ll get it out.”
Sand was such a strange thing to get on a person’s hair. Even trying to remember how it got there made his head hurt, but he didn’t need to know how it came to be there to want it gone.
The person, whoever they were, slid his robes off his shoulders. Their hands did not completely overlap the fabric, and warm, calloused fingers ran along his skin. It felt as though the gooseflesh rising over his body had less to do with the cold air and more with that touch.
But then his robes and those hands were both gone, and the cold was all that remained. He knew he had to be leaning against someone’s entirely clothed chest with his own entirely bare, a position that should have embarrassed him but did not. Pressed so close, he could finally breathe in deep and fill his chest with the sweet scent that had teased him since he regained consciousness. But then he frowned as the smell of blood seemed to also grow sharper. Was this person the one injured?
“I’m not looking.” That same voice whispered in his ear, apparently misunderstanding his distress, “Don’t worry it’s just us here. No one’s looking.”
Even if they were, what could he possibly do? It was already too late to fight. He had permitted a lot of indignity upon his person since his fall from some great height, being treated with such tenderness really didn’t seem half as bad. Li Lianhua let that person’s hands take his arms and slide them into sleeves.
His thoughts were still too muddled to find a name or identity or even a face to match the person looking after him, but it seemed natural to associate the idea of gentleness and safety with them.
“Alright, let’s get you back into bed.”
There was another moment of disorientation as the world tilted, as though he was once again falling. At least this time, there were hands supporting his back and his head, and he had no choice but to trust his weight to them. Those hands lingered on him for a moment too long, as though reluctant to move even once he was lying on a soft mattress, a pillow underneath his head. Then they slid away.
He missed them as soon as they were gone, but at least he could feel the person still with him. A light weight settled against him… blankets, and only then did he realise how cold he was. Another blanket followed the first.
“Is this too much?”
It's not you. he thought unhappily, but just like he was too weak to open his eyes, he seemed to be too weak to form the words.
“Li Lianhua….” Warm palms cupped his face, and a pair of thumbs smoothed the frown between his eyebrows, “Just now, I’m taking too many liberties. Don’t be angry when you wake up, alright?”
He didn’t think he could ever be angry as long as this person kept caressing him like that, but didn’t have the energy to tell them that. And then the hands slipped into his hair, he felt that person carefully raise his head and sweep his hair to the side, before gently laying it back on the pillow.
“I can only brush the sand out for now, but you can call for a bath when you wake up, and didn’t you want to see how good our chef was?”
Had he only imagined the crack in the person's voice?
A hand took hold of his wrist, calloused fingers pressed against the pulse. Li Lianhua didn’t know why, but he had a feeling people didn’t usually get encouraging news from feeling his pulse. He was afraid of what his carer would find.
When the person spoke again, their voice was not as steady anymore, “You …. You should rest. You’ll be alright, you have to be alright. Just don’t sleep for too long.”
He wanted to tell the person “It hurts.” but something told him he shouldn’t. This was someone who already worried too much.
“Xiaobao,” He said instead, just the one word made him almost breathless with exhaustion, “Don't be afraid.”
When Li Lianhua next woke up, his mind was clearer than it had been the last time. Enough that he could finally see and recognise Fang Duobing.
And of course, it was him, who else could it have been who brought him back to safety and watched over him with such care? In a world as vast and as wide as this one, there was still only one person he would have expected by his side, just one person he wanted by his side.
But the clarity of his mind had made him aware of more than just his blurred vision. He could feel every part of himself again, more acutely this time. And all of him hurt, as though the very blood in his body was freezing into ice, expanding until shards of it would might break through his flesh. It was all he could do to stop the chattering of his teeth.
I can’t die in front of him, he thought suddenly, that one clear idea cutting through the worst of the pain, I can’t make him watch as I die.
“There’s…” The word was barely audible. His throat felt dry and scratchy with disuse, but even if he was offered water, he did not think he could drink it. The poison crawling up his chest had already block his throat, and now each breath was a struggle.
“Medicine.” At any other time, the perplexed expression on Fang Duobing’s face would be endearing, but at this moment, it only meant he was too slow to leave.
“Is it in Lotus Tower?”
Then they weren’t in Lotus Tower. How strange that a familiar presence had made him so completely miss his unfamiliar surroundings. But surely, wherever it was, it would be far enough away that Fang Duobing wouldn’t have to suffer watching him like this.
“Yes.”
He watched Fang Duobing rise in a hurry, already across the room and at the door in the time it took for him to draw a single breath. Li Lianhua stared after him, and couldn’t help but think, Dont go.
The next time he woke up was once again in a strange place, this time it was a carriage of some sort. He seemed to have travelled more in those days than he would over several weeks on his own. It was only a pity that his gaze still landed only on indistinct shapes and the impression of colours.
Something soft brushed his face as he moved his head, and he reached up to touch it with his fingertips. At some point, he’d been made to wear a soft fur-lined coat. It was easy to guess who it belonged to. Fang Duobing had clearly taken to dressing and undressing him like some child’s doll.
He rubbed his cheek against the coat. When he had fallen unconscious, his fate was already precarious, with as much control over what happened to him as any doll would have. But throughout that time, he had still known he would be safe.
Fang Duobing had gained possession of the tianbing, all he had to do was run away. And yet, he had thrown away that priceless treasure to protect someone he had cut ties with.
All he had to do was turn Li Lianhua over to Baichuan Court, and let Li Xiangyi’s former subordinates deal with him. And yet, he had thrown away something he’d dreamed of all his life, just for someone he had threatened to fight to death.
Throughout it all, Li Lianhua himself had been too weak to resist whatever was done to him, clinging to Fang Duobing’s back as helplessly as a child. It should have been terrifying, but it wasn’t. Instead, he felt relieved to be able to let someone else take control of his fate for a moment.
Perhaps, he would have been less helpless if the person he trusted hadn’t been there. After all, how often in his life had he been forced to push through when every part of him wanted to stay still? Like a fighter in a never ending battle, he had picked himself up whenever he fell onto the ground. Whether he was Li Xiangyi or Li Lianhua, there had never been another alternative.
Not until someone came along who placed themselves between him and whatever blow next fell upon him.
The life he had built as Li Xiangyi had once had certainty in it. As though he had finally won for himself the stability he had yearned for all his life. But then, in a single night, that stable ground had been pulled away from underneath him, leaving behind a deep chasm he couldn’t see the end of. All he could do was walk along the rope stretched across it, placing each foot carefully in front of the other, determined not to let the darkness swallow him. He could not trip, and could not let down his guard, and so he hadn’t.
When Fang Duobing crashed into him, a small, terrified part of him had already braced itself to fall. But it had been so long, and he still hadn’t fallen. Ultimately, what made him stumble was the feeling of stepping onto firm uninterrupted ground once more, as though he had finally reached the other side.
And on that other side was someone waiting for him, arms held out to catch him. Even if he couldn’t yet trust the ground he stood on, he couldn’t help but trust the unshakeable faith and determination that had drawn him there.
He longed to see that familiar face again, but no amount of effort would make his eyes focus this time. All he could see was an indistinct blur of colours, unusually dark for a usually vibrant young man.
“Xiaobao?”
At the sound of his voice, Fang Duobing reached out towards him again, gently cupping his cheek with a warm palm.
“I’m here.” and then, barely a moment later, he asked, “Is something wrong? If you’re hurt, just tell me. I…”
You don’t have to do anything. Li Lianhua though, just stay with me and don’t leave again.
But how could he extract such a promise when he could not keep up his end of it. So instead, he did the only thing he could, he lied. “Nothing hurts, silly. Don’t worry so much.”
Fang Duobing seemed unconvinced but didn’t speak as Li Lianhua closed his eyes again, leaning against the warmth by his side as he pretended to fall back into sleep.
He felt Fang Duobing’s fingers touch his wrist, fingers pressing against the pulse, and then the warmth of his own Yangzhouman spread through his body, easing the aches that he had been trying not to acknowledge.
They were still in the carriage when consciousness returned to him, but they were no longer moving.
“Guan Hemeng asked me to bring you somewhere.” Fang Duobing whispered, “But the carriage won’t go any further, so we had to stop.”
“Alright.”
“Won’t you ask me where we are going?”
Li Lianhua smiled as he looked towards Fang Duobing. “Knowing, not knowing… it makes no difference.”
I would go anywhere with you.
Fang Duobing could hand him over to anyone he wanted to, lay him bare if he wanted to, and take him wherever he wanted to. To live ten years without being able to trust another person was no different from living ten years as a ghost. Only now, at the end of his life did he realise he didn’t want to be a ghost anymore.
“It’s only somewhere safe.” Fang Duobing said quietly, “Can you walk that far?”
Li Lianhua shook his head, strangely unashamed to admit to such a failing when it was just the two of them. “I will need help.”
There was no hint of hesitation in the response. “Then let me carry you.”
The air was still around them as Fang Duobing helped him to the entrance of the carriage, not even the sound of horses seemed to disturb the air. If they were the only two people within the world, it would not have been so bad, except he would soon be leaving Fang Duobing behind too.
“I sent Tianji Hall’s people to scout ahead, so it’s just us here.”
It was easier to move from the carriage to Fang Duobing’s back than it should have been, the understanding that bound the two of them causing their actions to synchronise without any need of conscious thought. Or perhaps, it was simply practice, something Fang Duobing had been forced to do often enough to gain practice at it.
Li Lianhua hoped it was the former, but that did not make the latter option any less true.
But he did not have long to worry about that before something else caught his attention. Even though he could not see the trees around them, he could sense they were travelling upwards along a slope. But that wasn’t the concerning part. What worried him was how quickly Fang Duobing had become short of breath.
He could recall the moment now, a metal chain wrapped around that waist, metal claws embedded deep within the flesh. Had anyone even seen to those wounds yet?
“You’re injured.” He said suddenly, “Fang Xiaobao, put me down.”
“I’m alright.”
There was no way to test that statement from his current spot, and no way to force his way down without a fight. And how could he fight with Fang Duobing? If he had only possessed strength enough for Yangzhouman, he knew he would find himself sitting on the grass as the person carrying him tried to put distance between them, all in an effort to stop him from using his inner energy. But unfortunately, he did not have to.
This is what I get for trusting someone. Look at how this brat treats the person most precious to me!
Li Lianhua tried to coax him this time. “Put me down, Xiaobao, I only need to take a look.”
Fang Duobing looked back over his shoulder, his soft cheek brushing against Li Lianhua’s nose in a very distracting manner. He had sometimes thought of nuzzling against that cheek, filling each breath with that sweet scent that clung to everything Fang Duobing touched. He had also thought of kissing that pretty face.
How strange that this was how it happened in the end.
Kissing the little brat was the furthest thing from his mind now. But he would have enjoyed giving him a slap. Since coaxing had failed, he let some of his anger show. “Fang Shaoxia, I can walk to wherever we are going. Put me down.”
“It’s not so bad.” Fang Duobing said, seemingly oblivious to his thoughts, both the amorous and the violent. He even sounded amused, and Li Lianhua could picture the smirk on his face all too well, “Don’t worry, I won’t let you fall.”
Li Lianhua could imagine those clear eyes he loved so much, how they would be shining with sincerity, and felt another tug at his heart. “I’m not worried about that! I know… trust you.”
But I also worry for you.
The silence that followed made him wonder if his sense of hearing had deserted him between one moment and the next. Fang Duobing even seemed to have stopped breathing.
“What if I wasn’t someone who could be trusted?” He asked finally.
“Then…”
If even you wanted to break me, what reason would I have left to remain whole.
But that was too pitiful a thing to say.
Li Lianhua raised one arm so it was wrapped around Fang Duobing’s neck, but even then his hold was as gentle as an embrace. He might have meant the threat more if his forearm were pressed against his own throat than that of the person he loved. But it seemed to get the point across.
Not only was one of them was injured and the other poisoned, but he had felt the familiar-yet-unfamiliar warmth of Yangzhouman flowing through him too often recently; even Fang Duobing’s considerable inner energy would need time to recover from it all. Right there, with only the birds and trees for company, it was hard to say who would win between them.
“What if I wasn’t someone to be trusted?”
They were each choosing to make that bet, already sure they would win.