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He doesn’t understand, truly, what he is. Becoming one of them has only made him more fucking confused.
And he doesn’t know if he should be close to her, not with the urges that he is doing everything in his power to suppress.
They’re in her old bedroom.
He isn’t sure how much longer they intend to stay at Basgiath. He doesn’t know if he can follow wherever she goes after this.
Violet stares up at him. It’s so fucking ironic that she finally trusts him when she shouldn’t.
But that thought goes away when he reaches for her hand, and she flinches away.
His heart stops beating. She looks like she might start crying.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers.
“Don’t be,” he responds, voice almost monotone. “You should be afraid.”
“I’m not–”
“You are,” he interrupts. “And I thought I told you to never lie to me.”
She narrows her eyes at him, and he thinks they’re about to fight, and he wonders if she’ll be safe if they fight now. He wonders how much time they have left. He wonders if she’ll be able to kill him, if it comes to that.
“You’re not going to hurt me.”
“You don’t know that,” Xaden tells her curtly. “And you can’t deny that you’re afraid of me, Violet. I know that you are.”
“So you’re reading my thoughts, then.”
“I know because fear is the logical fucking thing to be feeling when you’re near me,” he snaps, and he thinks maybe it’d be easier if she ran. He doesn’t know if he can stay away, but he doesn’t think that he’d chase her if she ran. “You should be afraid of me, Violence, and you should run as far away as you possibly can.”
“I’m not going to run from you.”
“You’re smart enough to know that that’s the only way you’ll survive this.”
“I’m smart enough to find you a cure,” she shoots back, stepping closer to him. He steps back. She was right to flinch before. He’d much rather she fear him than he hurt her. “I’m going to fix this, Xaden. We promised each other that we wouldn’t run.”
“That was before I turned into this!” he explodes. “Run, Violet. Please.”
“You won’t hurt me,” she repeats. “I know that you won’t hurt me.”
“Do you not have a single fucking survival instinct?” he growls. He gestures to himself. “This is all I’m ever going to be. There is no cure. There is no way to be safe around me. I’m not going to hurt you.”
“Exactly. You’re not going to hurt me.”
She’s being impossible. Something dark crosses his mind, and he backs even further away, horrified with himself. “I can’t leave.” There’s a plea in his voice. “I can’t leave you. It’s not possible. But if you leave, I won’t follow. You’d never have to be afraid again.”
“I’m not afraid now.”
“But you are.” He thinks that something in him is breaking. Or maybe it’s already broken. “And you’re right to be.”
He won’t hurt her to prove his point. He couldn’t do that. But he can do something to show how dangerous he is.
Xaden opens his thoughts, lets her see every wretched thing he imagines.
And he thinks he’s happy when he feels her desire to run.
It’s what’s best for her, isn’t it?