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Derek finds himself at the graveyard. He's not sure why he's there, it just feels right at that moment. It takes him a few minutes to gain the confidence to leave his car, drowning out the calling of birds and wind alike with music to calm his nerves. Finally, though, after he tells himself that there's nothing wrong with what he's about to do, he switches off the music, grabs the flower from atop of the dashboard, and jumps out before he can talk himself out of it again.
Finding the grave is simple enough, remembering the route from the funeral as if it happened yesterday even when it's been years. The hard part is getting himself within ten feet of it without feeling guilt claw viciously at his chest. Deciding that he's close enough for now, he stares at the headstone with a heavy heart.
"I'm gonna talk to you from here, if that's okay," he says out loud, feeling embarrassed. "I just wanted to… thank you. Not for dying or anything, no, but for giving me the chance to get to where I am now. With Aaron." He huffs out a laugh, fiddling with the stem of the flower. "That's basically just me telling you I'm glad you're dead, isn't it? Well, I'm not."
There's no reply, although that's no surprise.
"Aaron still talks about you all the time. And Jack. He misses you; they both do. I'm not sure why I'm here, to be completely honest with you, I just… I needed… I don't know."
Derek takes a few tentative steps toward the grave, anxiety bubbling low in his gut. He doesn't like feeling this way. Like there's a weight on his chest that may never go away.
"I think I'm here to see if, well, if what I did was okay. Dammit, that makes it sound like I killed you or something. That's not what I mean. It's…" He shakes his head in anger.
Birds fly overhead, singing a tune he's heard countless of times. His mind wanders to Gideon and he smiles solemnly when he imagines the man telling him the species and what their cries really mean. Probably something along the lines of you're not alone or everything's gonna be alright , he thinks, although he's sure the man would have made that up just to ease his mind.
Taking another few steps forwards, he finds himself parallel with the bench in front of the headstone. He figures that, since he's already made it so close, he may as well sit down, too. Taking a deep breath, he leans forward and gently places the flower down onto the ground.
"I just hope you're okay with this," he whispers after sitting there in silence for a few minutes. "I mean, your sister is, but she's not you, and I feel like I need your permission. I don't know. Aaron and Jack are happy, I think, with me. In their lives. But… it's not you, I can't be… you."
"And I'm not asking you to be her."
Derek jumps, turning around on the bench so fast he gets whiplash, and he chokes on air. "Jesus, Aaron," he almost yells, hand moving to hold in his beating heart. "Warn a man next time!"
"Warn a man when I'm coming to visit my ex-wife's grave?" He asks, a small smirk on his lips.
"Well, no, I, no, I mean, dammit, sorry."
Aaron smiles, sitting beside him. He reaches out for Derek's hand, bringing it to his lips and pressing a kiss to his knuckles before dropping their joined hands over his own thigh. "You don't have to be sorry, Der."
"You're not mad at me for being here?"
He hums in response, eyes reading over the text written on the headstone before him as if he hasn't already read it a million times over the past ten years. "'Course not. Why would I be? Haley would be happy to have visitors."
"I'm not sure she'd like her ex-husbands new husband visiting her, though. Practically stole you from her."
"Now we both know that's not true," Aaron sighs, squeezing his hand. Derek avoids his eyes. "Hey, look at me. Please?" Derek hesitates before looking up at him. "She died before we even so much as acknowledged we had feelings for each other, and even if she hadn't, we'd still have been divorced. She'd be happy for us."
"But… yeah, she would."
"Then why are you here?"
Derek shrugs. "Guess I've been having doubts lately."
"About us?" Aaron asks, unable to hide his hurt.
"What? No, no!" Derek turns in his seat, a panicked look on his face. "That's not what I mean at all. I mean… I don't know what I mean."
Aaron sighs and nods, wrapping his arm around Derek and tugging him into his side. Derek hums and rests his head on his shoulder, looking at the grave. "You feel like you've forced your way into a family that already existed."
"How do I stop feeling guilty about that?"
"I don't know what to tell you, Derek. But just know that I love you, and Jack loves you, and whether you feel like it or not, you are a part of this family. You didn't force your way in, we let you in. We allowed you into our lives because you make us happy. You have a place here. With us."
Derek's chest feels tight and it takes him a few moments to collect himself enough to speak. "You really mean that?"
"Of course I do. Wouldn't say it if I didn't." Aaron presses a kiss to the top of his head. "You know I love you, right?"
"Mhm. I love you, too."
"I'm glad. Now let's go pick up Jack from school, okay? He has a big project he needs help with." Aaron stands up and gently tugs Derek up by his hand. He presses a kiss to his index and middle finger before lightly pressing the on top of the gravestone for a few moments. "Hope you're okay," he whispers. "Miss you."
Derek watches sadly, an ache in his heart.
"So," Aaron says, turning back to him and beginning the walk to the car. "How do you feel about making a fake volcano?"