Chapter Text
Buck:
I can’t tell you when Eddie became my other half. It was a slow process. The result of trial after trial in which he was strength when I didn’t have any and heart when mine was seemingly cold and dead. The truth is, I long ago stopped envisioning my life without him in it. Yet, here I am, facing the very real possibility.
Looking back, I can’t believe I didn’t see it sooner. I’d had my fair share of relationships come and go since we met. And I couldn’t help but wonder if WE were the reason none of them worked out. Was this a thing all along? Were the women I dated all thinking it? Unwilling to call me on it till now? These are the questions racking my brain as I sit on the stairs of my apartment. I hadn’t intended to perch here. It was just where I landed when the realization of what was happening kicked in.
Aubrey was gone. She’d packed everything she owned while looking at me with a disappointed expression. Because she knew I couldn’t deny it. I cared about Eddie more than her. What she didn’t realize, what not even I had realized until that moment, was that I cared about Eddie more than any woman I’d dated since him and I faced that bomb together.
To make matters worse, Eddie texted me ten minutes ago telling me that Lucy had broken up with him that morning. At first, I didn’t think anything of it. I just headed upstairs to grab my keys so I could head over to his place and make sure he was okay. It hit me when I was halfway down the stairs on my way out the door. Aubrey and Lucy had become best friends over the last six months. There was no way that them both dumping us within twenty-four hours of each other was a coincidence.
No, this was planned. Which means they both knew Eddie was more than just a friend to me. And I wasn’t naive enough to believe that Lucy didn’t tell him that when she broke up with him.
The realization that I would have to face Eddie and explain all of this before I had time to even process it myself was what glued me to my spot. This was going to wreck our friendship. Because even if I denied it till my last breath, Eddie would see right through me. He always did. And up until this moment, it was one of the things I liked about him.
The ping from my cell phone clutched in my hands echoed off the walls of my apartment, drawing my attention down. Catching sight of the message preview on my lock screen, my chest tightened at the words staring up at me.
EDDIE: Buck, I can see you read my text.
I stared, unmoving down at my phone. Shit. If I didn’t open this one, he wouldn’t know I saw it. But yet, my thumb hovered over the screen with the same anticipation it did anytime he texted me. Itching to swipe and reply. Any choice I had in the matter was quickly taken away from me when my phone pinged again.
EDDIE: Fine. Don’t answer me. I’ll be over in ten.
Panic filled my chest before denial took hold. I didn’t know for sure that Lucy told him. I didn’t even know for sure that Lucy knew. Everything would be okay. I just had to act like nothing was out of the ordinary.
My front door flew open five minutes later. “Buck!” Eddie hollered as his form appeared from behind the door. I straightened my spine as he spotted me, coming to a dead stop. His large hand still gripped the door handle.
“Uh, hey Eddie. I thought you said ten minutes.” The words came out weak and uncertain. We were both still for a beat. Each just staring at the other. It was Eddie who broke the silence. Closing the door behind him.
“I knew you got my messages.” He told me; catching sight of my phone in my hand. His tone was level but held a familiar teasing I’d become used to. It gave me hope that this may not be as bad as I was expecting.
I watched Eddie turn and head for my kitchen. Pushing myself up, I followed behind him, dropping my keys and phone onto the counter as Eddie pulled open the fridge. He snatched two amber bottles from inside before shoving it closed and using the bottle opener on his key ring to pop the tops. I raised an eyebrow as he offered one out to me. “It’s eleven am.” I noted.
His expression told me he didn’t give a damn. “It’s Saturday and we have the weekend off.” He took a long drink. Adding when he came up for air. “Plus, I just got dumped. Which I know you’re aware of because you read my texts.”
Sucking my bottom lips between my teeth, I resigned myself to today being a complete shit show and accepted the bottle he held out to me. Taking a drink in hopes it’d help relax my nerves. “Yeah. Sorry about that.” I offered.
Eddie looked at me expectantly, but thankfully, didn’t push the matter.
“You doing okay?” I asked in the growing silence.
In true Eddie Diaz form, he shook his head, shrugged and took another long drink from his beer.
“How’s Christopher taking it?” I tried, struggling to figure out a way to keep the conversation normal. This time, I actually got an answer.
“He doesn’t know.” He told me. “He spent the night over at Tia’s
“Oh.” We fell silent as we drank. But I would have taken the silence anyday over what came next.
“Where’s Aubrey?” Eddie asked, glancing around the apartment.
My heart hammered out of my chest, and I took a deep breath before responding. “Funny story actually.” I began, watching my best friend raise an eyebrow at me.
I forced a chuckle. “You're not the only one that got dumped recently.”
Eddie’s eyes went wide. “Seriously?” I nodded in response before chugging a good portion of my beer. Eddie’s face turned serious. “Did she give a reason?”
The panic was only getting worse, but I shoved it down deep. To the same place I hide my anxiety on tough calls. My eyes locked onto the floor, unable to meet his as I lied. “She said I wasn’t committed enough.”
Alright, so it wasn’t entirely a lie.
When Eddie didn’t immediately answer, I glanced up to find him studying me. His eyes weren’t playful or teasing anymore. Nor did they hold the sympathy that one typically got from their friends after a break up. No, he was looking at me cautiously. As if I held the answer to a question I wasn’t aware of and he wasn’t sure he wanted an answer to. Being under that gaze made me uneasy. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other and polished off what was left in my beer. All while Eddie watched me with an ease that told me whatever was going through his mind, wasn’t as uncomfortable for him.
Finally, unable to bear the antsy feeling anymore, I placed my bottle on the counter behind me before pushing off the counter and plastering a big smile on my face. I motioned past the stairs to my living room. “But hey, at least I got to keep the couch this time.”
I had thought he would laugh. But his curious expression never faltered. “Buck, I picked out that couch.” He reminded me. As if I’d forgotten.
Even I heard the shakiness in my voice when I responded. “Right…well…” I didn’t finish. Instead, nerves getting the best of me, I made a beeline for the fridge for another beer. My hand had just hit the handle when Eddie’s voice sounded from beside me.
“Aren’t you going to ask what Lucy gave me for a reason?”
I froze in place, hand still on the handle. I knew from the ice that ran through my veins that this was it. This was the moment that everything changed. Because his voice held a challenge. He may have asked a question, but it was anything but. My breath came out in jagged pieces as I released the handle and turned towards him.
Everything about his appearance would seem relaxed and casual to someone looking on. The way he leaned back against the counter, the beer bottle in his hand, the softness in his eyes. But it was the tightness in the corner in the corners of his mouth where it tipped up into the tiniest grin, that gave him away.
And just like that, my worst fears were realized. “Wha- what did she say?”
Eddie pushed effortlessly off the counter, turning to face me directly as he stood no more than two feet away. I suddenly couldn’t tell from his expression what to expect. What he was thinking. He reached out in the space between us and tapped me in the center of my chest with the neck of his bottle. “She told me that you and I will never love anyone, as much as we love each other.”
It felt like someone took a vacuumed and sucked all of the air out of the room. Lucy hadn’t just thrown me under the bus, she’d tried to drag Eddie with me. And that was a lot worse. Because I could handle being mad at me for screwing up his relationship. I could hide and deny whatever extra feelings I had for Eddie in order to sustain our friendship. But what I wouldn’t be able to survive is Eddie bluntly and directly rejecting me. And that was exactly what Lucy had just given him the ammunition to do.
I forced out a disbelieving chuckle, that didn’t sound anywhere as convincing as I needed it to. “What?”
Eddie raised his brow at me again. Clearly not buying my ignorance. Why did the man have to be able to read me like a book? Realizing playing dumb wasn’t going to work, I switched tactics.
“Eddie, we’re firefighters. Our bond is literally forged in fire.” The words brought a small smile to my face despite being terrified. Because, while it was a deflection, it was also the truth.
He looked down at the bottle in his hands and bit down on his bottom lip as his brows creased together. It was as if he were biting back something he wanted to say. When he looked back up at me, there was no anger on his face; no accusation. He looked…frustrated. “She didn’t say we had a bond, Buck.” His eyes grew more serious. “She said we loved each other.”
I didn’t miss the pain laced into his words. It sent a knife slicing into my heart to know that being accused of loving me hurt him. But I pushed through. “Of course we love each other Eddie.” I tried as I felt my hands start to tremble. “You don’t literally save someone’s life on multiple occasions before you don’t care. You and I have had each other’s backs in the worst case scenarios. No one we date will ever truly understand that.”
My words almost seemed to hurt him more. His brows knitted farther together between his dark eyes. His gaze darted around the room, looking anywhere but at me. His chest heaved under heavy breaths. Finally, his eyes met mine again. “Is that all it is?” His adam's apple bobbed in his throat as he swallowed.
When the lightning struck me on top of that ladder, my heart stopped for over three minutes. I didn’t remember anything about it. But what I did know was that dying didn’t hurt as bad as this moment. The pain and fear that ripped through my chest in that moment, were what it feels like when your heart stops, but it doesn’t actually kill you.
I had a choice. I could tell Eddie the truth, that somehow, some way, he’d become more to me than simply a best friend. Even though I currently had no idea what that actually meant. Or, I could deny it. And as images of the bomb and the well, the bullet in Eddie’s chest and lightning filled my mind, I knew there was only one thing to do. “What…what else would it be?”
The entire room went still. Seconds ticked by as Eddie and I stood there staring at each other in a silent standoff. Until Eddie let out a breath so big, it seemed to actually deflate him. His eyes fell to the floor again. “You know, I really thought you and I could have a real conversation for once.” His words were so soft, I almost didn’t hear him.
“We have real conversations all the time.” I argued.
His head came back up. His eyes looked straight through me. “Then tell me the real reason Aubrey broke up with you.” He challenged.
It felt like he hit me with a battering ram. I stood there, frozen in place, mouth hanging open slightly as I fought to find words. And when I couldn’t, Eddie sighed. He placed his beer bottle on the counter beside him. His mouth was drawn into a hard line.
“I have to go get Christopher.” His words sounded defeated. And as I watched him walk towards the door, I saw the familiar slump in his shoulders. I’d seen it hundreds of times in my career. It was the stance all firefighters got after a tough call. When you’re trying to be okay even though you aren’t.
“Eddie!” I called after him. My plea was answered by the sound of my front door shutting behind him.
****
Eddie:
“Dad, are you sad because Lucy left?”
I looked over at Christopher as he laid back on the couch beside me. His head, resting on the back cushions, was turned to look at me. “No, bud. I’m not sad about Lucy.” I admitted. “Are you?”
He thought it over for a second before shrugging. “I liked her.” He said simply.
I closed my eyes and remembered a conversation I’d had with Buck after the Tsunami. I’d told him that despite my flaws, I never stopped trying to fail Christopher. Looking back on it now, I couldn’t help but feel like I lied. At least when it came to relationships.
Chris deserved to have two parental figures in his life. Two people that loved him unconditionally and looked out for him always. He deserved a proper family. I’d had a few opportunities to give that to him in the past. But I’d always messed it up. And over the last few years, I had messed it up because of Buck.
I’d long ago locked away this part of myself. The part that could, and would, fall in love with a man. It would never be accepted. Not by my family and not by most of society. But from the day I met Buck, that part of me began kicking at the door it was trapped behind; determined to break the lock.
Alright bud, it’s time for bed.” Christopher groaned but didn’t put up a fight as he pushed off the couch and headed for his room.
Fifteen minutes later, as I tucked him into bed, Chris looked up at me. His eyes unfocused without his glasses. “You’ll find someone dad. And they’ll love us as much as we love them.”
I looked down at my son in awe. When did my little man grow up and become so wise? “You think so?”
He nodded. “I know you will.”
Kneeling down beside him, I propped my arms up on the side of his bed. “What do you know about love?” I asked him.
He snuggled deeper into his comforter before answering. “ I know I love you. And abuela and Buck. I know I love video games and the park.”
I chuckled at his answer before his words washed over me. “You love Buck huh?”
A smile formed on his face. “Yeah.” It was all he said before he closed his eyes.
I kissed his forehead before pushing off his floor. I turned off his light as I headed out into the hall, pausing just outside his door. “Me too bud.” I whispered to myself. “Me too.”
Later that night, I laid awake in bed staring at the ceiling. In truth, nothing crazy had happened in the two days I’d been off work. But I felt like yesterday was full of big and exhausting moments, and I’d spent today dealing with the fallout.
Lucy had left me. It honestly wasn’t something I was surprised about. One of the things being both Army and Fire teaches you is to pay attention to the small details. And I hadn’t missed the change in the way she looked at me. It’d gone from excitement and happiness to reservation in a matter of weeks. I tried to tell myself I was imagining it. But when she walked into the kitchen the previous morning, with her bag already on her shoulder and a guarded look, I knew it was the end.
What I hadn’t expected was her throwing my loyalty to Buck in my face as the reason for her leaving. She’d said that no woman I dated was ever going to be what I needed because Buck was already filling the gaps in my life. He was my best friend, my sounding board. He was my rock as well as Christopher’s.
I’d known most of these things already. I even knew I loved him. But what I didn’t realize until that moment was the extent of my love for him. Or just how much of an impact he had on every aspect of my life.
When I got shot, there was a split second before I lost consciousness that I realized I could die. That this could be it. And my thoughts at that moment weren’t of my parents, or my job. They were of Christopher, and Buck, and how I knew, without any doubt, that they’d take care of each other.
So, when Lucy had laid it out before me, I didn’t argue. I knew I couldn’t. Buck really had become everything to me. And it wasn’t fair for her or anyone else to pretend he wasn’t.
I had gone over to his place the previous day knowing that after all these years and everything we’d been through together, it was time to address it. Figure out if it was mutual. But when Buck had acted hesitant and told me Aubrey had broken up with him, I saw that Lucy hadn’t come to the conclusions she had about us alone. And he wasn’t anywhere near as ready to address it as I was.