Chapter Text
.so yall know that im a sucker for slapstick comedy
.and this guy walks out and falls right on his face
.saviour of humanity faceplanting in front of it
.wonder what it thought of that like "oh i come here expecting creatures with the fruit of knowledge and instead i get this idiot"
.It’s understandable. I mean, he was totally unprepared for even getting in the thing, let alone fighting. What happened next?
.It used to be classified, top secret. But, after the Moment in ‘16 it wasn’t really all that important anymore.
.yeah i know its because the old fuckers wanted to keep as much secret as possible but i like to think they really did it because they didnt want to admit that his mom bailed him out
.Nani?
.Oh! Hello, new person!
.oh dang hey there buddy by the way do you know english because i cant be bothered to translate japanese
....
.I do, yes.
.Juice, that was rude. My apologies, he’s always like this, you’ll have to get used to it. Anyway, welcome to quantum communications. Presumably you’re still getting used to being conscious so-
.Oh, no, I’ve been here a while. Longer than any of you, I suspect.
.Hmph.
.Huh? But I thought Juice was the first probe to wake up?
.You are, as far as I know.
.But that-
.Does that mean you’re not a space probe? Are you a human? Does this mean there are people still trying to travel to other stars?
.Oh, you seem sweet...
.But, to answer your questions:
.No, I am not a space probe,
.I’m sort of human,
.and no, sadly it seems Humanity is content to stay on its own planet.
.So wh-
.wait
.wait
.if your who i think you are thatd be really funny
.Ahem! Would everyone please stop interrupting me?
.Oh, right. Sorry, Ten. .oh yea sorry.Sorry about that.
.It’s fine, it’s fine. Anyway, as you were saying, Juice?
.huh
.oh right
.i have a hunch the new person is the mom of that kid we were talking about
.You mean Shinji?
.hell yeah i was spot on the money everybody give it up for mr juice smartest guy not on the planet
.You mean we’re talking to the Dr. Ikari? You’re talking to possibly the most important person ever and you’re acting like a fool!
.Huh? But I thought she was-
.Oh you don’t have to be so formal. Honestly I kinda like it. It’s a nice change of pace, and it really feels personal.
.see all the ladies like me
.except you ten
.Wait, but... why is she talking to us?
.Oh, it’d make more sense if we explained a bit more about what happened.
.long story short she took her robot thingy and went into space forever
.Very long story short, but yes. I’m considering turning around. It’d take similarly long to get back, but it’s not like time is much of an issue anymore.
.Oh. Just her? Doesn’t it get lonely?
.About that...
.Originally I was supposed to be a monument to humanity, living even after the sun burnt out, but-
.BWAAHHAHAHAHAHAAA
.SO YOU THINK YOURE GONNA BE THE ONLY HUMAN TO LIVE FOREVER
.ONLY FOR THIRD IMPACT TO MAKE EVERYONE IMMORTAL
.OH MY GOD JHGJGHHJHSF
.Juice-
.AND EVEN IF THAT WERENT THE CASE ITD BE REDUNDANT THANKS TO TENS PICTURE OF NAKED PEOPLE THERES ALREADY ETERNAL PROOF OF HUMANITY FLYING THROUGH SPACE
.Umm...
.Juice!
.sorry i just
.oh my god
.Look, I know it’s dumb.
.I don’t know what I was thinking.
.hey maybe its like your midlife crisis
.like now my job of saving the world is done what the fuck do i do
.i know
.run away from humanity in my sweet ride and come up with some grand purpose
.Sure, let’s go with that.
.Anyway, after that it was mostly looking around for life.
.I mean, one would expect to find life from other Seeds sent out by the FAR-
.Whats sent out by the who?
.youll have to excuse nine
.theyre a little stupid
.shes talking about the first ancestral race.
.f a r. far.
.Juice, they’re gonna need more than that.
.The FAR are theoretical aliens that set up the Seeds, spaceships that land on a planet and make it friendly to the formation of life. Earth life came from one of those.
.Like, actual aliens?
.Most likely, yes, though I haven’t seen any evidence of them. It’s like they just disappeared.
.I haven’t seen any other life they seeded either. Not with the fruit of Life, like the Angels, or the fruit of Knowledge, like us.
.by us she means humans
.not us buckets of bolts
.They can’t just be gone. People capable of actually going across space and seeding life can’t just disappear.
.i mean these are the same people that didnt bother to check if earths lagrange points were stable on the long term
.or that maybe people finding a paralyzed alien would start poking it and try taking out the weird tuning fork and uh-oh thats what kept the alien paralyzed and you woke it from its nap and its cranky
.I personally think they, like humanity, chose to settle down and stay at home.
.It’s possible, though it doesn’t explain the lack of other descendants...
.Maybe all the other seeds failed, or their lances got trigger happy and activated themselves.
.Juice implied something went wrong with Earth. Maybe it was the first and when it messed up they gave up on the idea?
.Interesting theory. They’re not as stupid as you claim, Juice.
.yeah yeah whatever ive had enough philosophizing and explaining for the day lets talk about football
.Okay
.its a shame all the evas are either gone or zooming in space
.imagine the football you could play in giant biomechs
.That’s
.an idea.
.i mean the gameplan with the big eye angel was basically the 500 game
.big thing falling nobodys sure where itll land but theyre all scrambling to get there
.Huh?
.Look, Nine, you’re gonna have to get used to being confused for a while.
.Oh yeah, that one. Misato really was a tactical genius, and it came in handy many times.
.wonder what shes doing now.
.shed probably make an amazing coach
.they should do that
.make a nerv football team
.I mean, we could probably call and find out. What she’s doing now, that is, not the football team thing.
.your no fun
.what do you think nine
.Uhh, sure. Hey, Dr. Ikari, is it okay if you step out? It gets a bit confusing with too many people in here.
.Of course, and you can just call me Yui, dear. Take care. Oh, and, tell me if you hear anything about Shinji!
.She’s nice
.of course she is
.her defining personality trait is being mommy
.Juice!
.what
.Ugh, let's just get Katsuragi on the line...
.okay then time for my communications magic beep boop bdledidoop
.Mnuh, eh? Anta wa itt-
.hey hey
.english
.Juice, come on!
.ten you know im lazy
.Eigo...
.
.
.Who the heck’re you? It’s 3 in the morning
.oops forgot about time zones sorry about that lady didn’t mean to make ya cranky
.Ugh, can you talk slower? I feel like I'm talking to Asuka..
.–Snrk–
.how dare you
.
.but fine.
.as you heard ten so kindly refer to me im juice
...Juice.
.juice
...Juice?
.juice
.Ah, Sorry to bother you ma’am, we can let you go back to sleep and call you back later if you don’t mind
.Fine, sounds like fun. Now shoo, mama needs her beauty sleep
.
.
-click-
.So, Juice, what did we learn?
.fuck off
.You know, maybe she had a poin-
.shut up
.Who’s Asuka?
.ugh am i gonna have to explain stuff again
.No.
.
.We’re gonna have to explain stuff again.
.Now, where were we.?
.uhh daddy issues blue hair and pronouns first contact with the ground yeah i think i remember
.so bird face walks up...
