Chapter Text
“Look alive, apartment 127!”
You love Yeri dearly, and have almost your entire life, but she really needs to learn how to knock. Or you really need to start locking your apartment’s front door. You’re not sure which one is going to happen first, both seem equally as unlikely. The smallest consolation to your pain is that at least your best friend’s surprise visits don’t ever bother your roommate.
Not that he would be bothered, since Taeyong is the sweetest human ever. Like, ever. He only ever treats Yeri like she’s his friend too, and never lets you apologize to him for her antics - which you always try to. That’s not even counting all of his strengths as a roommate. If you tried to list those out you’d be here all day.
Which is pretty much the first sign of a crush, which you’re in denial about. You don’t want to ruin it.
You’re really hoping it won’t become a thing unless it is a thing, because, here we go…. you couldn’t have asked for a better roommate in Taeyong. Never loud, never messy, never brings random people home, never fights with you, never forgets his chores, never fails to be so utterly nice you swoon whenever he smiles. Yeah. Remember the list? You need to cut yourself off there before you go too crazy.
Getting a random roommate off of a random Facebook group, let alone it being a random guy, and getting this lucky with your living situation absolutely cannot be ruined. The fact that you’ve been alone so long and you’ve never wanted to break that psolitude should not be influenced by a clean, handsome, polite guy.
But….
You peek your head out of the door after Yeri’s call and your heart full-on trills a few beats when you see Taeyong doing the same, smiling at you first with his bare shoulders on display. “Hey! Long time no see!”
You literally have oatmeal for brains whenever he smiles at you like that. You were just a kid the last time you experienced someone making you feel like you had no control over your senses, and that was a step beyond oatmeal... so you don’t know how you survived. How empty your brain would get around that person could only be described as it being filled with straight-up mud.
You’re glad this isn’t that. This is just nice, bland, enticing oatmeal.
“You just saw me at dinner,” you laugh shyly.
Not only do you eat together every night, he says hi to you every time he comes out of the room and you cross paths! No wonder you like him!
Taeyong also never passes up the opportunity to poke at you in the sweetest ways, “Just trying to be a good roommate like you.”
You’re pretty sure he doesn’t know you spend a lot of time trying to be clean and charming just to impress him.
You’re also pretty sure you’d like him to be more than just a good roommate. You need a bit more confirmation he’s not just being a good friend to you before you’ll allow yourself to fall for him completely, but you’re feeling the stirrings of a childish, girly crush for sure. This is the first time you’ve had a crush since Mr. Mud-For-Brains, which is a length of time too sad and too long to contemplate. Eight years. Wow.
“Hello?!” Yeri bellows, despite being mere feet away. “Can I have some attention please?”
You’re in such a good mood - since it’s the weekend and you don’t have to go to work slaving away for the government (in the most affectionate tone possible) - that you make the fatal mistake of thinking nothing can go wrong. Until it absolutely all goes wrong when you give Yeri the attention she wants and notice that she’s dressed up in an outfit that she would call a ‘sluit,’ pronounced sloot.
A slut suit.
Top that doesn’t cover anything, skirt that doesn’t… cover anything.
You’re normally all about the slut suit, and you give Yeri immense credit for always looking hot in one. But the slut suit unprompted? Nah, you need at least five business days to get yourself emotionally and physically ready for whatever she has in mind.
“What is this?” you ask, even though you’re very clear as to what this is.
“Mark!” That is enough of an explanation to you, and she doesn’t have to go further before you groan internally at the idea of what’s to come. But because Taeyong is there and cannot possibly understand twenty-six years of shorthand, Yeri gives context he won’t understand, “My bro’s kiki-ing with his old roommate and his frat bro!”
In case you need the translation, since that was not at all helpful: your best friend’s little brother - also one of your closest, dearest friends - is going to his friend’s party, to celebrate that friend's friends coming from out of town. Friends that all sound obnoxious off of very little judgement.
You fill the details in, using layman’s terms for Taeyong, “There’s a party we’re obliged to go to,” before you look back at Yeri and wonder, “Where?” Though there’s no reason to ask if you can get out of it. You just know it’s going to happen.
“John’s penthouse,” Yeri answers, glittery smile turned up to one thousand.
A party with Mark’s old college roommate means a serious party - the best booze, the best music, the best view - but you hate that fucking place. You’ve seen so much depravity occur in the corners of that apartment, you don’t know if you could be on the same block as it without getting secondhand embarrassment-induced goosebumps across your neck. John has reassured you he gets the furniture upholstered after every debaucherous night, but oof.
This one velvet loveseat by his pool table? Yikes. You don’t want to know what kind of microenvironment is growing on that thing.
Taeyong glances your way out of the corner of his eye with his nose wrinkled, a funny and maaaaaaaaaybe flirty (if you’re stretching it) gaze saved just for you. His low question is private as well, “And she needs us to go because?”
You swing your gaze back towards Yeri so she won’t miss the cue that she’s the one that has to fill it in. Because there’s no way you’re going to say this out loud—,
“I want to get fucked.”
Why did she have to say it like that!
You already thought your prepared answer of, She needs to make out with someone, was bad.
But maybe she was right to say it that way because you’re charmed by the sight of Taeyong blushed in the face because of her crassness. Cute, cute, cute - not the cutest, but still cute (the disclaimer is necessary, you’re trying not to get in too deep here). He shrugs and innocently wonders, “What does that have to do with us?”
“You guys should do it!” Yeri blurts, despite not knowing about your maybe-crush. You decided you were only going to tell her if it became a thing, even though that breaks like every rule of best friendship you’ve had for forever. But her phrasing is so suspicious you and Taeyong both yelp and shoot each other the most awkward smiles possible, before she realizes what she’s done and backtracks hard, “Not with each other!”
Phew. Just because you have a crush doesn’t mean you want to sleep with the guy. Your oatmeal brain takes a lot of convincing, unfortunately.
You force yourself past the awkward inspiration of tingly feelings to once again explain Yeri's convoluted logic, “Her brother’s old roommate is hot and he pretty much only has hot friends.” You know. You’ve seen them more times than you’ve really wanted to, confirmed it for yourself, and never had any interest in them. That’s where you and your best friend differ. “She’s interested in one, maybe more, but needs to not arouse…” she snorts out loud at your word choice, hoe, “…suspicion because, again, they’re her brother’s friends. So we have to be there as buffer.”
You’ve done this many times since you moved to the DC area (technically Virginia, but DC is so much easier) four years ago with the Lee-Kim clan. Yeri sets her eyes on a target, Mark cries foul so many times you can just picture his teary eyes, and you distract him with Doritos and beer pong so she can sneak off.
Taeyong’s marble-hued face gets even redder if possible.
“The guy is super hot this time, Mark texted me a picture,” Yeri reassures you, as if that makes anything regarding what you’re going to do better.
“How hot?” Taeyong asks. His eyes peel curiously to Yeri’s phone in the pocket of her almost nonexistent skirt.
Yes, good question. You’re kind of curious, too.
“His smile made my legs feel like Jello.” At least Yeri uses an appropriate metaphor you can actually handle that doesn't induce any untoward thoughts.
Also, you have serious doubts that whoever that person is is as hot as she says she is. She likes to exaggerate a lot about the boys she dates because she knows you won’t approve of anything other than the best for her. She called her last boyfriend young Leonardo DiCaprio and he was definitely middle aged, hit-on-weirdly-young-girls Leonardo DiCaprio. You wonder if she’d think Taeyong was the best for you. You haven’t ever brought a boy around for her to judge, the only chance you had petered out - and that is the nicest term possible - before you felt comfortable bringing that into reality, so.
Somewhere in your internal monologue you miss Yeri getting that same mischievous spark in her eyes, and brace yourself for a wildly raunchy comment, “My legs would probably feel the same after he fucked-,”
No!
“That’s enough!” you holler, sending her an endlessly annoyed glare as she laughs at you for not appreciating her cheek. “Honestly can’t you go by yourself-,”
“I’m down to go,” Taeyong announces out of nowhere, cutting you off before you had the solid chance to weasel your way out of this responsibility.
You cannot believe this betrayal. It cuts deep.
But the idea of your (honestly stunning) roommate getting dressed up in a pretty pressed shirt, drinking fruity alcohol, sitting close enough to flirt before coming back here together - not to have sex!!!! - does sound pretty appealing. Maybe you can steal a kiss or two, let your mind evolve from oatmeal back into muddy nothingness.
Yeri shoots you a pointed look and says with full confidence, “You literally have no reason not to go.”
You shrug and agree. But little do you know that in an hour, you’d be looking back at this exact moment and realizing you should’ve put up more of a fight.
—
“Unzip it. Unzip it!”
Yeri reaches over to try and pull the zip of your tank top down and you block her off into the wall of the elevator like you’re a freaking football player. You’re already wearing a tiny skirt to match hers and absolutely can’t handle more skin exposure.
“Stop it, hoe!” you grumble at her, using her favorite term of endearment.
Yeri wastes no time grumbling right back at you, “You’re no fun, asshole.”
She always used to say she put the hoe into asshole - a sentiment you did not ever want to contemplate. After you got called an asshole by your first shitty boss out of college for simply doing your job, the hoe&asshole combo seemed to kind of work for both of you. Reclaiming the term and all.
Anyways, the other reason you don’t want to take it too far is that Taeyong looks incredible and you can’t handle appearing like an idiot in front of him. It doesn’t make sense that he can rock these incredibly tight leather pants and mesh shirt that leaves all of his torso out for viewing. But it’s Taeyong, it makes sense. Also… the pregame White Claws have already made you feel funny, you don’t need more confusing feelings on top of your sudden onset inebriation.
When Taeyong glances over and grins at you in encouragement, you feel so lighthearted (and lightheaded!) in the corner of the elevator. He reaches out to hold your shoulder and some baby goosebumps erupt across your skin when his fingers softly brush past your chest to undo the zipper literally not even one millimeter. It’s the sweetest kind of compromise that makes Yeri - and you by proxy - so happy.
His smile deepens and the dizziness in your head starts to swell as he offers up the platitude, “There. You look good like that.”
You have to remind yourself this isn’t anything new. You can’t be feeling a little hot.
You help Taeyong tie his ties for work, even though he’s an assistant to a fashion designer and can do it himself. He’ll do a zipper here or there for you, even though you’re always able to reach. Good roommates, remember? They do those sorts of things to each other.
But the desire to make him want you want you is not enough to fully commit to being all slutty and pretty. You’re caught up in yourself like you always have been, just the littlest bit anxious, just the littlest bit insecure, just the littlest bit wrapped up in the world’s opinion of you. Like you were when you were eighteen. It takes a whole lot of reassurance for you to leave that in the wastelands where it belongs, so one little gesture from your (yes, incredibly sweet) roommate is not quite enough.
Luckily, you can’t think about it long enough and get into your head because the doors to the elevator open straight to the penthouse, swallowing you up in a toxic inferno of unnatural heat and crushingly loud music. It was already sweltering outside, so you have no idea what kind of heat stroke this place is going to give you. Or maybe a regular stroke, since there are hot people making out everywhere. The spinning in your head gets even worse when you can’t find a place to settle your eyes on that isn’t violated with tongues, tits, or too-eager hands.
But Yeri saves you by letting out this ungodly screech, “Oh my fuck!”
Here we go. You told her she shouldn’t’ve drank that third White Claw when she knew Mark was going to make her do shots here.
Taeyong reaches out and teasingly grabs her leg, making you both giggle at how random it is, and the alcohol has definitely made him silly, “That means jelly legs, surely.”
He’s definitely right.
You can’t help but feel the smitten giggles again, undeniably charmed at your roommate showing off his goofy side - a contrast to his kind, sophisticated aura. You’ve always enjoyed someone who doesn’t take themselves so seriously and can make horribly bad jokes without a care. You’d say that is one of the most important things you’re looking for in a boyfriend. Not that you’re looking for a boyfriend.
“Yes!” Yeri screeches again, unable to control herself as the pregame bubbly turns her into a frivolous bubble of delight. “Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! He is so hot!”
Taeyong is so curious to look after you’ve all stumbled out of the elevator that he actually puts an arm around your shoulders as a steadying point, to stand on his tiptoes and search the crowd. You glance around too, half distracted by how warm his hand is on your arm, only for your view into the frothing party to be filled with—,
“Mark!” Yeri hollers as her little brother drunkenly skips into your view and blocks off the search for said mystery man.
You love her brother. Mark’s a good egg and has been all his life - always has the sweetest things to say, always has the best intentions, works for a freaking dog adoption agency in Virginia if that says anything about how good he is. You went back home for every single one of his graduations just because it always felt like he was your brother too.
It’s just funny that John, Mark's first roommate post-college, ended up being this frat legacy that pissed dollar bills everywhere and didn’t have an actual job. But he was also just nice enough that you didn’t completely hate him. John and Mark don’t live together anymore since Mark was priced out of living in this place - for obvious reasons - but, wow. Last year, when you had no excuse but to come here every Saturday night, was rowdayyyy. Your forty-year-old coworkers definitely thought you were living a secret double life.
“Hi, you!” Mark goes for the bear hug and smothers you in brotherly affection, like he does every single time. You love that you’re all still friends even two decades later. He makes the worst kind of stank face when he pulls back to greet his sister with equally as stank enthusiasm, “Fuck off.”
You love each other, you promise.
“I am ignoring you!” Yeri puts her hand in his face to shove him away and he whines so loudly and drunkenly that people look your way, including a particular someone. “Unless you want to introduce me to him over there.”
Once again, all of three of you look back into the party, this time into a different corner. Right on cue, you hear some frivolous, deep, belly-shaking laughter slip out from that corner, and it is the strangest thing when it pricks at your ears for some reason. You don’t know why. Mark stands on his tiptoes to see for himself who it is, and his features twist into a confused expression. “I actually have no idea who that is, but from what I’ve seen, he would fit right in with NKT.”
Oh, good. That means Yeri’s new crush is a mega asshole. Likening any person to one of John’s frat brothers is Mark-sweetness-code for being in the top tier of ultra douchiness and arrogance.
“I’m not trying to marry him,” Yeri huffs.
“You better not,” Mark scolds her like he’s their dad and has any authority over who she dates (which he knows he doesn’t.) He glances your way to give you a preemptive scold as well, even though you can’t see the person, then notices Taeyong staring in the same direction. “Who’s this?”
The idea forms in your alcohol-affected mind pretty fast, thinking of all the unnecessary times you’ve been hit on at these parties and how you don’t want anything to do with it tonight. If you were sober right now you’d never dare to do it, but what the hell. What do you have to lose right now? You actually risk it, you loop your hand around Taeyong’s where he’s still got his arm around your shoulders, then pull it off so you can link your fingers together. Taeyong has such soft skin. He’d probably have soft lips, too. You mean…. A soft heart. Yeah.
“Mark, this is Taeyong, my—,”
“Boyfriend?” Mark’s drunken mouth blurts, which means you sold it pretty well.
Luckily, Yeri’s gone in pursuit of a drink so she can’t call you out on your performance, which she would absolutely be able to decipher. It’s the sort of thing that comes with being best friends with someone for your whole life.
You and Taeyong and share another one of those private, secret gazes that only you two can decipher. When his eyes flick to the closest, frattiest looking dude, you know he understands his role - Taeyong plays along and curls your hand in closer so you end up standing flush to his side, much to Mark’s surprise. You’re not sure where this ruse is going to take the night, but maybe you should just go for it and retroactively deal with the fallout. Maybe?
Whatever. You’ll try something new for once.
You shrug, letting the coyness run through your veins in a way it never has, and you play the game hard, “Sure, if that’s what you want to call it—,”
[9:17 pm] loosey goosey 🪿💚: am i seeing this right
Your phone lights up with the random notification, and your head spins into a catastrophic orbit that you blink hard to get out of. You’re not entirely sure you didn’t just have a very real stroke and are now hallucinating that contact name on your phone.
There’s no way that’s real. No way. No way at all, no fucking way.
You shutter your phone on and off with a shaky, shaky finger, and that message lies in wait for you, big and bold and draped over the picture of you and Yeri dressed as a hot dog and hamburger for Halloween. For good measure, you turn it off and on again - knowing the symptoms of a stroke full well - yet it’s still there, idiotic goose emoji and all.
You’re the duck. I am simply a goose.
That laughter from before was familiar. He laughed the exact same way when he said that.
You make the mistake of checking your surroundings one second too late, after Mark and Taeyong have trotted over to where Yeri is trying to charm a specialty drink out of John playing bartender. Which means you’re left exposed during your sweep of the room, and that you finally have enough space to see who they’d been talking about. Who is not just one of John’s frat brothers. Or a straggler who made his way to the party off a shared invite. Or whatever the fuck he could be. No. He’s not just a guy.
He’s the guy you dated your first semester of college, the one who turned your brain into mud. And by turning your brain into mud you mean you were deeply infatuated with him to a point where your heart knew literally nothing and no one else, before he ended up crushing it completely.
The spots of discolor in your vision try to creep in, but you need to stay focused and make sure you haven’t been deposited right into a nightmare. You need perfectly clear vision to see how his signature dimple presses in as he talks to the girl sitting closely next to him. It inspires such a spark of sadness-fueled rage in your chest you have to hold onto the couch in front of you. It’s been so many years since, eight fucking years to be precise, and you don’t get why you still feel like this.
You know why, though. You do. And specifically why that specific image triggered it.
[9:19 pm] loosey goosey 🪿💚: is it really u duckie?
Your lips unfurl from where they were unconsciously tensed with frustration and an almighty load of dread follows to match the rage.
One glance up from the second message and you’re locking eyes with Jaehyun Jeong again - looking like he does in your memories, like he’s not even a fraction as affected as you are, like he stepped straight out of the casual-cool catalog in his plain white tee and his plain dark cap, exactly what he used to wear back at Michigan State. Like all he did was just get more handsome with age, even though he was already so….. gorgeous.
Your brain feels like it’s turning into sludge already, never a good sign.
Why, oh why, did he have to use that nickname?
Jaehyun started calling you duckie when you were just friends, because you’d purse your lips so hard they’d go bloodless when you were frustrated with studying or grades or yourself or anything annoying. The nickname stuck, and your bad habit did too, but when you were… dating, he would always kiss you to get you to stop.
He'd call himself a goose as a one up and you’d amend it to silly goose for thinking that one kiss would be enough to get you to stop. And he’d smother you with kisses right after even though he hated being called that. He wasn’t silly, he’d always tell you - even though you thought he was the silliest boy there was. So serious and cool for being eighteen, but so, so silly when it was just you.
You make the fatal mistake of peeking back down at the messages while Jaehyun’s staring right at you. Which, by the satisfied look on his face, means you've confirmed his assumptions even though you never intended to. And the kind of heavy eye contact you’re treated to as a reward is absolutely insane. The girl beside him notices he’s not paying attention to her anymore, and leans in with purpose, to giggle right in his face and brush his arm with her chest. But Jaehyun hides under the brim of his cap and focuses back down to his phone, typing his response so goddamn fast.
[9:22 pm] loosey goosey 🪿💚: oh wow
[9:22 pm] loosey goosey 🪿💚: honestly never thought i’d see u again
Same.
You honestly thought that after you screamed at him to get out of your dorm room and cried yourself to sleep alone, you would never—,
[9:23 pm] loosey goosey 🪿💚: missed u
Your brain is mud. Full-on mud. Not the fun kind that you jump in as a child and have your mother lovingly wash your clothes after. The bad kind, that comes down the side of a mountain and threatens the foundation of everything you hold dear.
Is Jaehyun serious? Is he really serious right now?
He wasn’t sure if he wanted to be your boyfriend, wasted your time, and wanted to get back with his high school girlfriend at the end of it. Then you made it easy and dumped him, so. Where’s the missed you coming from?
He’s fake laughing at one of the girls who’s talking to him from across the table he’s at. You picked out his belly laugh without even knowing he was here - he uses it when he doesn’t want to let his real one slip out, the quiet hums and giggles that you became intimately familiar with that year. This confusing disappointment in yourself brews, for still being able to recognize it even after all these years. But it is washed away in something indecipherable when you notice the phone still illuminated in Jaehyun’s hand and his eyes still firmly on you over her head.
That makes you furious.
[9:25 pm] you: you’re a massive asshole
[9:25 pm] you: also shut up
You weren’t going to respond to any of this nonsense, you were going to let Jaehyun dig a deep, deep, deepdeepdeep hole and bury himself in it. But saying that he missed you that was just a bit too far.
Sure, the alcohol could be blamed for you sending those messages before proofreading just how childish you sound. But you wanted to take the one chance you had to say the things you never did back when you were just on the cusp of adulthood, so the childishness is understandable. You shut down when Jaehyun told you that he didn’t think things would work out, and unfortunately for him, you became very good with your words in the time since.
What you can’t do is blame the alcohol either for looking straight at Jaehyun to see how badly he’ll react to that message… wait, he’s smiling to himself? A real smile? One that you can see his chest move in because he’s holding in those same soft giggles?
[9:26 pm] loosey goosey 🪿💚: it’s true tho
[9:27 pm] loosey goosey 🪿💚: u got prettier too
[9:27 pm] loosey goosey 🪿💚: not sure how that was possible
[9:27 pm] loosey goosey 🪿💚: considering the way u already were the most gorgeous girl i'd ever seen
You feel like an absolute idiot standing at the outskirts of this party and staring at him as the drunken people push by you. There’s not a single glass, bottle, cup, shot around him - not on the table, not on the couch, not in his hand. You know Jaehyun is sober, and there’s no way of denying it even if you’re tipsy yourself. You know it. You’ve never seen him drink because you broke up when you were eighteen, but you know.
Stop, you mouth at him when he drags his eyes up to make eye contact again.
You’re not uncomfortable, it has nothing to do with being called gorgeous and not fully believing it. It’s just hard to comprehend the level of complimenting that’s coming from him right now. It never felt like Jaehyun had a concrete reason for dating you, and he certainly never vocalized his affection the way you wanted. So when your relationship inevitably ended, his silence made his choice make far too much sense, which made accepting it hurt. A fucking ton.
You make it hard to, Jaehyun mouths back, another ver real half-smile written across his face.
At least your lingering anger is the one thread still tying you to sanity, keeping you from not not immediately caving to him calling you gorgeous... just like you thought he was in any and all moments. You still can’t recall a moment he ever looked bad. Even when he did, you liked him so much he looked good to you.
[10:31 pm] you: i bet your hometown girlfriend would love to hear that
You press send so hard your thumb knuckle cracks when it makes contact with the screen, then you look right in Jaehyun’s eyes again - only this time you intend for the eye contact to be brutal. Hard, cold, intrusive in a way that he understands exactly what you’re feeling.
You were dating but not official that freshman fall semester, hooking up and doing everything else possible together. Studying, sleeping, dancing, joking, peeling random fruits for him, everything. You knew his ex-girlfriend back in Oregon existed, after the one conversation you had where he mentioned her in passing. You mentioned you only had friends in your hometown, no exes, and that was it. He went home for Thanksgiving, it didn’t even cross your mind at the time that he’d see her, then when he came back to Michigan… everything was different.
Your body is mostly anger now, a complete survival tactic while Jaehyun types his response without dragging his eyes away from you once.
[9:32 pm] loosey goosey 🪿💚: idk haven’t spoken to her since
Your heart decides to not only skip a fucking fuckton of beats, it decides the beats that follow should be so fucking fast you become discombobulated with the frenzy. Your brain has devolved from being mud into the particles that make up mud.
Jaehyun hasn’t spoken to her since you broke up? When you were convinced he was going to get back with her and be with her forever after he basically implied as such?
[9:32 pm] you: you can’t be serious rn
This time, when you look at each other, you widen your eyes and shake your head so even through the dark, frenzied room, Jaehyun knows you don’t believe him. You sat on your tiny twin bed as he stood in front of you, cried and asked him, Do you want to get back with her, and he didn’t deny it.
Jaehyun also didn’t say anything in response, though, so—,
[9:33 pm] loosey goosey 🪿💚: yes i am
[9:33 pm] loosey goosey 🪿💚: im single
Why the fuck is he telling you that?
You read the message, a string of fourteen letters pretty proudly proclaiming his relationship status, then watch as the girl next to him puts her hand on his chest to get Jaehyun to pay attention to whatever she’s saying. You wait for him to flirt along with her, to be wishy-washy in his sentiment and let his actions not match his words, but he just… backs away so her hand falls right off him, then grins at you like he expects you to be excited about it.
You roll your eyes, to tell him you don’t care about meaningless gestures, but mostly to tell yourself you shouldn’t be impressed. He never went out of his way at school to make it known that he was with you, or at least never in the ways that you wanted. During the day, he would not be outright disrespectful, but he didn’t say no to the girls who flirted with him and tried to get his attention. Yet he always slept in your bed at night. Always, always, without fail. Even if you didn’t have a class or study session, he would always turn up to kiss your cheek and hold you in the middle of your bed to get you to sleep through your education-induced anxiety.
Now you have neither.
Jaehyun’s mention of your relationship status prods you into searching out Taeyong by the bar. He’s sipping on a beer and talking to a guy with a bunch of pretty ear piercings, someone who matches his style and appears far too sophisticated to be in this frat adjacent setting. You’d completely forgotten you’d brought your roommate along to this. Taeyong catches your eye and waves, and you have no idea how to process the fact that your heart’s flutter is so fucking nonexistent now.
You wave back at Taeyong and your phone automatically vibrates.
[9:35 pm] loosey goosey 🪿💚: are u?
You whip your gaze away from Taeyong so fast you swear you get a burn from the metal of your zipper on your chest. You don’t want Jaehyun to see you looking, you don’t want him to get any ideas. There are no ideas to get.
But he’s not watching you wave back at your roommate, he’s just looking at his phone, waiting for a response. And if you know him like your delusional self thinks you still do, you’d say he looks… nervous. His lips are pursed like a little goose beak, his signature tell you never had the heart to reveal to him. For as much as he made fun of you for looking like a little duck, you loved that his one flaw was so similar to yours.
But why.
Why, why, why? WHY?!
Jaehyun never came back to see you after your fight. In fact, he never spoke to you again, never even looked at you again even though you crossed paths on campus multiple times after the fact. For three years you played the avoiding game, because you had just enough mutual connections to make it impossible to cut him out completely. Three years! Then three years became eight, and you were over him, but you weren’t.
Aren’t.
[9:36 pm] you: why do you care?
[9:36 pm] loosey goosey 🪿💚: we have unfinished business
Your brain no longer exists.
It is not there in your head anymore, leaving you an empty-minded fool who is crushed under the heavy subtleties of that message. You always felt like the business between you and Jaehyun was not only unfinished but left ripped open, raw and bleeding, for you to close up on your own.
He seemed more than fine with it at the time and through the years of silence that followed, so you have no idea what he means by this. Or why he’s sending it now. All you know is that you cannot look at his handsome face and go through the song and dance of picking apart his incomparable facial features, get any of your hopes up… only to find out he’s just doing this to have a final closure chat and be done with you. You can’t do that. What you’re going to do is you’re going to ignore him for the rest of the night, ignore any of this ever happened, change his contact and delete your messages.
Of course that’s easier said than done. Because, like you never grew up from being eighteen, one look at Jaehyun and you can’t stop thinking about him and his everything…. It feels like you never did.
How is Jaehyun the one who got away when you never even dated?
—
The good thing about John’s penthouse being huge is that there are a lot of places to hide.
There should be no reason a twenty-nine year old man has a massive tree in his living room only to let it die - it’s obvious he doesn’t know a single thing about watering - but at least you can hide behind it and know no one will see you. You’re going to nurse your one margarita, look angry enough that no guys approach you, and make fucking sure Yeri doesn’t talk to Jaehyun. You love her more than anyone on this goddamn earth, but you do not think you’re strong enough for that. You think your heart will actually become mud as well.
“You!”
You look up in a panic that you’ve been spotted by someone who shouldn’t be spotting you, only to relax when you see a super drunk John. He's got his shirt all unbuttoned and is swaying half of his huge pitcher of margaritas onto the floor. You give him an awkward wave and he chirps, “You’re here!”
He looks surprised at the sight of you, though. Lol, what is that about? You’ve only been coming to his parties for years, and have hung out with him multiple times while sober if alcohol was the barrier to him remembering.
“I”m always here!” you joke back.
John is your friend through Mark, but you don’t know if you feel true friendship with him. He’s another tier of popularity and you’re just… normal. Not that there’s anything wrong with being normal, as Yeri says, being a normie fucking owns. But there are moments where your average existence becomes so obvious that you don’t know what to do about it. Funny that you’ve been an adult for a long time now and still feel these things.
Or maybe it’s just tonight that’s getting into your head.
“You’re always here!” John echoes. Then, instead of topping off your glass with the remaining margarita… he puts it down on the side table and sits next to you. Even drapes his arm on the couch behind you which is his sign he’s going to stick around and get comfortable.
“Go away!” you hiss as he tries to scoot closer to you.
You’re not being rude, it’s just… the host of the party sitting next to you will obviously draw attention your way, and you were trying to become one with the tree to avoid a certain person’s attention.
John is so loopy and inebriated he can’t even get out one word, “W-wha, wh, whdsjfjsdf, why?”
Why indeed. This is a crazy plan, you obviously should’ve just left, and there’s an obvious reason why you didn’t.
“N-never mind,” you brush it off as you try and figure out a way to get John out of there. “Do you know everyone here? Shouldn’t you go entertain?”
“Yup,” is all John says, without moving a single inch.
Fuck. What are you supposed to do with that?
Wait, wait, wait. You know what you should do with it. You know exactly what you’re going to do with it, and you are going to ignore every kind of hypocritical feeling it gives you.
“Really?” you wonder innocently, and John shrugs with bravado like it’s no big deal there’s a hundred people at his house right now. You pretend you’re looking around for someone random to test him with, then point to the lounge area and wonder, “Hmmmm. What about that guy on the couch? I haven’t seen him at one of these.”
Yeah, because Jaehyun supposedly lived in Portland, Oregon, all the way across the country from Arlington, Virginia. Where you moved after graduating from Michigan State with the fucking political science degree Jaehyun helped you study for even though he was a…. finance major.
“Ah, he interviewed at my office today. I invited him ‘cause he was cool.” John’s shrug is the exact same careless one he always useds, this information no big deal to reveal and definitely not breaking some fraternization rules.
But most importantly.
Jaehyun interviewed for John’s hedge fund?!
Again, OREGON and VIRGINIA.
“Wait, I have to tell you…” John will not shut up and give you the time you need to process the information and pry for more. “One of my coworkers was fucking another coworker’s mom in my pool room literally five minutes ago!”
You burst out laughing and cover your face at the ridiculousness of his random reveal, such a hard subject pivot after you were about to wade into dangerous waters. You’re not at all surprised that something like went down. Of course it would happen in a place like this and of course he would want to tell you about it—,
Your phone buzzes in your pocket and you yelp out loud at the surprise sensation, “Holy shit!”
How could you have forgotten about the nuclear load of messages you just let sit there without deleting them, like you said you would.
“I know,” Johnny cackles, not realizing he’s lost you now. “I’m the real life MILF Manor!”
You really don’t care how inappropriate and successful he thinks his party is, not when you can see the message preview without pulling your device fully out of your skirt pocket.
[10:05 pm] SHUT UP ❌: you’re pretty
The contact name jars you for a second, but you were so, so angry - or telling yourself to be angry so you didn't feel anything else - and leaned into the infantile mockery, deleted the sweet nickname that had gone untouched since your breakup.
You peek through the fronds of the tree and Jaehyun has shifted to sitting right in the middle of a pod of girls on the couch. Sure, it burns for a second, until you realize it gives him a perfect view to look right at you. Just you. You’re pretty sure he doesn’t even notice John beside you, because Jaehyun’s expression is all dazed and glazed watching you laugh.
You can’t handle the easy compliment. At all.
You don’t think Jaehyun ever outright said you looked pretty a single time when you were seeing each other, even though he always used to look at you this exact way. His t-shirt at night, a pair of jeans to classes, dressed up for a dinner date - every outfit, regardless of effort, would earn you the exact same look. That’s how you know he isn’t just appreciating the tiny outfit. But how much do you believe him when he never used to be this fucking bold? It’s been eight years but… you don’t know how much a person can change in that amount of time.
You glare at him instead of doing whatever he expected, and Jaehyun’s smile falters before he races to type something out to you.
[10:07 pm] SHUT UP ❌: nothing to say to me?
[10:07 pm] SHUT UP ❌: one nice thing
[10:07 pm] SHUT UP ❌: please?
Jaehyun sticks his lip out in a duck face of pleading mockery when you peek at him and, god. Your entire face and body skyrockets to the same feverish boiling point.
Why is he so cute.
He’s soooooo cute, that aspect about him hasn’t changed at all since the very first day you met.
Jaehyun was your deskmate in the lone finance lecture you took during your entire time at Michigan State, because your major required it. He was all fluffy hair and glasses and swagger, answering the questions but keeping to himself otherwise. You were just a girl from East Lansing who decided to stick around for in-state tuition, then was gifted a crush her very first day in exchange. He stayed for Labor Day because he couldn’t afford to fly home and you took him to your lake house to study for exams thinking you were being a good classmate. You promptly had your world turned upside down when he kissed you on the dock that first night, then kissed you for the rest of it-,
Wait, stop.
Why are you thinking nice things about him? What sort of sorcery is this?
You know if you say something mean Jaehyun will keep texting you regardless. But what if he doesn’t? What if what you say is mean enough to get him to stop? Why are you worried about that?
“Who are you texting?” John’s idiotic voice slams into your ear, but it doesn’t distract you, nor does his tweak of your upper arm.
What can you say, what can you say? You have so much you want to say to Jaehyun, so much you’ve been holding in ever since things ended. You used to blab your heart out to him about anything and everything and he’d listen to it all without complaint, but the past eight years have been a lesson in doing the opposite.
[10:12] you: you haven’t changed at all
That means…. Jaehyun is still the mega asshole who ended the best thing that ever happened to you at a time when you weren’t ready to let him go.
But that also means he’s the most beautiful person you’ve ever met in your life. Which is unfortunate.
And as much as you were waffling over the idea of someone changing as they grew up, Jaehyun has very clearly changed - each new message you get is a demonstration that he’s evolved more than you could’ve ever hoped for. You’ve grown up a lot, too, and you’re proud to say you’re not the same girl that cried after him when he left.
Eighteen and twenty-six are so different.
And now you’re stuck on the slippery slope of wondering if everything about Jaehyun changed or only the things that bothered you.
“No one,” you answer John under your breath because you need him to fuck off. You need this to be private, and you need an excuse to sit here in silence and wait for Jaehyun’s response like an idiot.
[10:13 pm] SHUT UP ❌: that’s not nice
[10:14 pm] SHUT UP ❌: i don’t want to look at anyone here but u
[10:14 pm] SHUT UP ❌: ^this is nice
The compliments are getting worse…. in the sense that they’re getting closer to the dramatic, lovesick professions you dreamed of hearing from Jaehyun. Because those were the sort of stupid, mushy-ass things that you’d say to him thinking that you’d give him an example to follow. How many times did you fawn over him and his big brain in a shared study room, cling to him and whisper about how cute he was when you were cuddling, kiss him extra while you were bare in your tiny dorm bed and spill all of the secret happinesses he gifted to you.
If you wanted to say something truly nice to Jaehyun in this moment, the most honest baring of those hidden, steadfast feelings? You’d confess that despite hoping and hoping and hoping for it, no one you’ve met has ever compared to that tiny slice of history that he shared with you.
An absolute ludicrous thought to have, because it’s not like he was a good boyfriend or even your soulmate. He was just…
Jaehyun was a person you felt comfortable with.
And the scariest thing is that the familiar comfort is right here in the room and daring you chase after it. Case in point: you hate the rowdiness of Jaehyun’s corner of the party, but there’s nowhere you’d rather be but sitting by his side and having his presence surround you.
You will settle for confessing something far less terrifying, then making sure you look up before you press send to catch his reaction.
[11:17 pm] you: you are handsome
That is obvious and hasn’t changed, the easiest low-hanging fruit to pluck. Jaehyun is handsome, anyone with eyes could pick that out.
It wasn’t even the best thing about him, though.
Homemade meals that he’d cook for himself but always share, so he could never be pegged as a softy that cooks for his hookup. A notebook page you’d split to take notes on to get both of your perspectives. Pieces of tape on his scuffed up shoes that you’d mark with your initials and he’d leave there. Kisses behind your ear without you asking for them, and…..
His smile.
His real smile that came out so infrequently and only ever when… you were around. Like right now after reading your message - double dipped in delightful dimples, nose all scrunched, cheeks twinged with color that is indescribable, eyes bright even in this darkness. Jaehyun peeks up from his phone and you seriously think that you forget how to breathe. A brain full of mud will do that to you.
[10:19 pm] SHUT UP ❌: thanks duckie
[10:19 pm] SHUT UP ❌: :)
You’re not ready for how the rest of the night is going to go after this, in a positive way or in a negative way. Now you have the added drama of not knowing which version of events you'd prefer.
“Psst. Hey.”
You swear that comes straight from Jaehyun's lips to your ear, even from across the room. If you mash the syllables around in your mud-brain, it sounds exactly like how he whispered whenever he was trying to figure out if you were asleep in his bed. He joked the first time you had sex in his dorm that you weren’t supposed to stay since you weren’t his girlfriend, but kept you there by draping an arm over your waist and pretending to be asleep. After that, you were always so tired you always fell asleep and he never cared.
That was another thing you liked about him.
But when you smell the overwhelming cologne accompaniment, you realize it’s once again your mind playing the worst kinds of tricks. It was only John beckoning for your attention, having gotten infinitely closer in the ten seconds you were lost in thought.
You wonder if Jaehyun still smells like flowers. Every time he slept over you’d try and postpone laundry a day so your pillowcase still smelled like him. You doubt you’d let yourself get close enough tonight to figure it out.
“Yeah?”
Why is John so close, seriously? He runs his hand through his dark hair and it’s attractive, but that’s it. He’s attractive as merely an objective observation. You couldn’t be less enamored with him and his typically handsome smile than you are now.
“You seeing anyone?”
Literally, yes. You’re looking at him right now.
Figuratively, no.
And in reality? You’re not sure how you’re supposed to answer this question. Or how you want to answer. Or how you should answer. That seems to be the biggest dilemma of the three—,
Then Johnny’s mouth at your ear steals every bit of your sanity, “Wanna stay after everyone leaves?”
Um.
“To do what?” you blurt-squeak-grunt-yelp, whatever it is does not come out as a human noise.
You are well aware what that question implies now that you’re an adult.
And Jaehyun never had to ask.
Every night was spent together since that was just what you wanted to do. You left the library together without saying a word in invitation, if you had dinner in the dining halls he would make the right turn to your dorm instead of his, if you were alone and the clock struck nighttime, he would appear at your door without fail. You were eighteen and smitten, you should’ve been focusing on school but all you wanted to be with him.
Literally... and figuratively.
John is completely serious about his intentions after never once trying to hit on you before. You always thought you were out of his league in a bad way. But his eyes are all hooded and sultry, and because of that, your gaze immediately flicks to across the party, where Jaehyun is locked into observing this scene. Fuck.
John’s eyebrows wiggle and he scoots closer. You are sent straight to panic mode as his fingers trace over your arm and he beckons, “We should finally fuck—,”
“Can you go get me a beer?” Despite more alcohol being the last thing you need, you do not want John to finish that sentence. You have a feeling it was already finished though, based on his disbelieving look that you would turn him down……………………… You sheepishly raise your empty margarita glass and excuse yourself, “Need to take it easy on the tequila. Haha.”
Sooooooooo awkward, omg.
You have no idea what to do to get out of this now. Again, you didn’t realize John was interested in you, so you’re hoping this is just a side effect of his excessive drinking. This night is playing tricks on everyone’s mind, not just yours.
“Anything you want, pretty girl,” John flirts hard.
That phrase and the press of his arm against your neck would’ve had him getting away with the ridiculous proposition any other day. But John is fighting this fight against someone who you’ve consciously and unconsciously been enchanted by for the past eight years. You’ve hung out with John for the sum of a few months. That history can’t compare. And sure enough, when John leaves - hoping that obliging to your request will have you oblige to his - there’s a message waiting for you.
[10:26 pm] SHUT UP ❌: how do you even know jimbo or whatever his name is?
Of course.
The new contact name really rings true in that moment.
You sneak a glance at Jaehyun by barely lifting your eyes, since you don’t want to get caught spying. nut he doesn't notice at all. His gaze is glued to John standing by the bar to your right, and Jaehyun is unbelievably tense. His jaw is pulled so taut you can spot every moment he exhales, and his muscles are so corded they’re pressing and visible through his thin white tee. You wouldn’t say he’s jealous, per se, but the sight of you with John definitely pricked a nerve.
You think about calling out Jaehyun for forgetting his interviewer’s name after showing up at his party, itching to fuck with him after he fucked with your head all those years ago. He doesn’t need to know you’re getting the hell out of your tree-covered hiding spot before the beer mongrel host of this party comes back.
[10:28 pm] you: not your business
You duck behind the tree at a different angle, so you’re totally hidden when Johnny comes strolling back with two Bud Lights. He spins around looking for you, not understanding the concept of you disappearing, and is so drunk he falls over into the couch.
Ugh, not your thing.
You sneak and sneak and end up coming off the furniture and hiding behind a pool table surrounded by rowdy guys. You’re quiet enough to not get their attention, but somehow Jaehyun has followed your path perfectly, can still make eye contact with you through the mass of bodies. He points back to his phone to get you to check, wanting to make sure you’re not blowing him off like he thinks you’re doing.
You actually weren’t doing that - surprise, surprise - though that idea is a good one. But you…. You don’t know. You’re caught in this. You’ve confidently swam into waters you might not be able to tread in for much longer.
[10:32 pm] SHUT UP ❌: why not
It’s not Jaehyun's business because you’re not dating…. and you never were. You never were exclusive, either, and that was your mistake for not requesting the label when that’s what you wanted. But you were eighteen and naive and assumed that spending every day together meant that you were.
And you know the exact reason why Jaehyun has chosen to be the most nosy about this in the most obvious way possible.
[10:33 pm] you: since you're just going to use it to figure out whether or not i’m single
If you were dating someone, you talking with and getting hit on by John would be that boy’s business and that boy’s business only. Jaehyun is just someone you knew once upon a time, he has no claim over the people you choose to spend your energy. You’ve seen right through his attempt at getting roundabout answers from you to try and tease out the other answer he needs.
[10:34 pm] SHUT UP ❌: damn it
[10:35 pm] SHUT UP ❌: wait
That second message nearly gives you whiplash. His mouth twists at frustration at being found out before he lights up with an idea that once again has his thumbs flying fast again, desperate to get all of this out as fast as he can.
[10:36 pm] SHUT UP ❌: u definitely are, u’d never let me send u any of this if u weren’t
Fuck.
Why does he still know you? Taken girls don’t allow flirting is an obvious relationship rule, but you in particular really wouldn’t allow flirting. Jaehyun knows that from experience.
A lot of guys flirted with you back at Michigan State and you either didn’t realize it until it was too late or didn’t care from the get-go. Jaehyun always had to point it out and you always gave the other guys the cold shoulder. He laughed at you for doing it, called you oblivious in the best possible way. In your heartbreak-fueled hindsight, you thought it was a clue he was trying to tell you to move on with someone else. But now? Was he really trying to figure out if you were interested in guys other than him?
You weren’t.
[10:37 pm] you: i like someone
Bald faced fucking lie, one that almost makes you feel bad saying it.
But you want to see how Jaehyun reacts to news of your interest in someone that isn’t him. It’s not the same as you sobbing over him waffling between you and his hometown girlfriend, but the vibes are similar. It’s a childish jealousy play that you never got to test out as a teenager.
The moment comes, where you lock eyes in the middle of this frenzy and Jaehyun shoots you the quietest eye roll ever that says he absolutely doesn’t believe you and you know it. That silent understanding of what exactly is going on feels so wild and intimate you duck into the wall to hide yourself.
[10:39 pm] SHUT UP ❌: ooookay
Your eyes flutter shut when all of the memories come back to cradle you in gentle enticement. What just happened was almost verbatim what happened the first time you slept together.
You’d gotten back from Labor Day and weren’t sure what was going on after you kissed so much it felt like your lips were only okay if they were on his. You were working in your room and out of nowhere, Jaehyun said I like someone, and you just rolled your eyes and grumbled, Ooookay, with the most sarcasm you could muster. You were secretly hiding the extreme bout of worry that had cropped up thinking he might’ve found someone that wasn’t you.
Then he kissed you where you were sitting on your dorm bed and supposed to be studying, and laughed right into your cheek, You, idiot, and it went from there. You let him take your clothes off in a flash because you were so caught up in the feeling of being wanted, but it didn’t take long for the nerves to set in. Right when he was about to touch you, you blurted, I’ve barely done this. Which was true, high school makeouts and a failed prom sex attempt didn’t really count. And you certainly didn’t like any of those boys as much as you liked him.
He just pressed his face into yours, so your vision was nothing but him and the fact that he was not mad at all, and whispered oooooooooooooookay, so sarcastic and sweet. He was going to stop there, but the nerves were gone and you wanted him more than ever after that. He was very gentle. You don’t think you’ve ever forgotten how gentle he was with you.
Why do you feel so giddy even thinking about that? When it wasn’t that long between your first time sleeping together and when things ended? Two months, maybe three months maximum, and Jaehyun’s still got you feeling this way.
You suppose people aren't lying when they say there are certain relationships that stick with you forever.
[10:42 pm] SHUT UP ❌: is it him?
You can’t look because your face will give it away - that the only person you have feelings for in this entire place, in this entire city, maybe this entire world, is Jaehyun - and you want him to wonder for one more second. Fret like you fretted, live and die and wait for your next word like you waited for him to tell you you weren’t the one he wanted.
But his words feel agonizing. You don’t know how, they just do.
[10:45 pm] you: Jaehyun.
Then you risk it, hazard a glance towards where he is, and like you thought, he’s slipped forward to sit up on the couch with urgency, keen to get some kind of answer to his question. To figure out through only your body language if he came here for God knows what reason only to find you taken by someone else…
Just tell me, he mouths.
[10:46 pm] SHUT UP ❌: please?
He’s never, ever acted like this before about you, and the open demonstration of turmoil confuses you beyond belief. This isn’t a game to play anymore, the traps that have been laid are far more serious, with far more consequences that you are well aware of now. Things are going to get complicated if you dare to test them.
You let the raging Travis Scott swell to an even more aggressive inferno, and when the pool dudes go berserk over a shot that they make, you shake your head no - so tiny, so hidden, an almost nonexistent acknowledgement of everything he wants to hear. And if you were confused about everything Jaehyun was thinking and feeling, what was guiding his actions earlier in the night, well… one glance at his face and you don’t have to be confused any longer.
He’s relieved.
Which means Jaehyun was hoping that you were single. He was hoping for it.
tbc.