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Katsuki knew that he needed to calm down. This was getting out of hand.
There he was, laying in his bed at UA’s dorms, in the middle of the night, fighting back tears. Lots of tears.
It was dark, the air thick and he wasn’t sure how long he had been in this state. All he knew was that he’d had one of his nightmares again. Those stupid, nerve wrecking, gut wrenching nightmares.
He’d had them since his fight with Izuku on Ground Beta. And these fuckers had gotten worse overtime.
Feeling a sudden burst of restlessness, he practically sprung out of bed. If he didn’t get out of his bed right now he would blow something up and he had absolutely no interest in Aizawa yelling at him about anger management.
He quickly made his way to the common room. He always had one bottle of water in the refrigerator. At least when Dunce face didn’t drink it. And he better hadn’t drunk that one Katsuki was craving at the moment or he would pay for it.
He stopped in his track when he saw light at the kitchen isle. Someone else was up, too.
He clicked his tongue and rubbed his eyes irritated, making sure there was no evidence of Bakugou Katsuki crying. Even if his eyes would be a little puffed, he could just say he was tired, it was in the middle of the night after all.
Katsuki cleared his throat, approaching the silhouette sitting on the couch. The person flinched, moving a few steps towards the light, so Katsuki could make out who it was.
And of course, it had to be him.
“Kacchan!”, Izuku said surprised, “Do you have trouble sleeping?”
“No shit, Sherlock”, Katsuki answered, avoiding eye contact. The nerd would see right through him.
“I see”, he said quietly, rubbing the back of his neck.
Katsuki opened the refrigerator and took out the bottle he had placed there. He downed the water with big gulps, shivering from the sudden cold. He exhaled a long deep breath after his last sip, panting like he had just gotten back from a run.
In the corner of his eyes, he could see that Izuku had returned to his place on the couch. Katsuki’s grip around the empty bottle tightened.
His hideous nightmares always evolved around this damn nerd. Most nights he got some dreamless, restful sleep but on some other nights they just crept up on him. Nightmares of Izuku getting hurt, his body damaged beyond repair. Nightmares of Izuku dying, almost every time. But the absolute worst nightmares were those where Izuku did hurt himself or… killed himself.
That was exactly what Katsuki had seen in his dream tonight: Both of them standing on the edge of a skyscraper’s roof, just like they always did when they were patrolling with Endeavor and Half’n’Half. But the No. 1 Hero and his son were nowhere to be seen. When Katsuki turned to ask Izuku where those extras were, he suddenly stood in the middle of the roof, far away from Izuku. Izuku was still on the edge. Way too close. Way way way too close. “Oi!”, Katsuki shouted, so Izuku would look at him. And when he did, Katsuki felt sick. Izuku’s eye were empty, cold, almost dead. That’s when Katsuki realized that Izuku and he himself wore their middle school uniform. “No”, Katsuki whispered, already knowing what would happen, “No, no, no! Deku! Oi, Deku, do you hear me! You better-“, but Izuku interrupted him by saying: “I better what, Kacchan? I should better die, right? Maybe getting a quirk in the next life, what was it?” Katsuki wanted to run to him but his feet were glued to the ground, no matter how harsh Katsuki pulled, they wouldn’t move. “No, wait, please! Deku, come on, come over here! Just- DON’T!!” But it was all for nothing. Izuku had smiled at him with a flat expression, had lifted his arms and let himself fall. Right off the building. Right into his death. A death Katsuki had provoked.
Katsuki’s own desperate screaming in his dream would always wake him up.
“Eh, Kacchan?”
Katsuki swirled around to face an insecure looking Izuku.
“Can I get to the freezer, please?”, he asked and judging by his tone he had asked that a few times now. But Katsuki had been in his own world. A fucking terrible one.
Without saying a word Katsuki moved a few steps away, not trusting his voice yet. He studied Izuku while he was opening the freezer to check on some bandages.
“Hmm”, he lightly shook his head and put the white material back into the freezer.
Katsuki’s question what the nerd was doing down here had been answered with that.
“The pain is getting worse?”, he asked, his voice sounded husky.
Izuku closed the freezer, leaning against it after turning to face Katsuki. Katsuki could see that he was thinking about lying. Insisting on being fine as he always did. But he seemed to change his mind and just shrugged.
Katsuki rolled his eyes at that.
Silence settled between them, but a comfortable one. Izuku waiting for his bandages to turn cold enough to put them on and ease his pain and Katsuki… what was he still doing here?
He would rather explode his own face off than admit that but he was listening to Izuku’s quiet breath. Proof that he was still alive.
Katsuki didn’t want to go upstairs yet. He couldn’t. In the dark of his room the pictures of his dream would return.
He had regretted those words from the moment they left his lips, incapable of understanding how he could have ever joked about something like that.
“What about your trap area?”
“Huh?”, Izuku titled his head.
“Your neck and your trap area. Does it hurt too?”
Izuku gaze lingered on Katsuki’s face before he silently nodded.
Izuku had once told him that his right arm worked better being kept cold while his shoulders and neck needed warmth.
“Kay”, Katsuki threw the bottle in the trash, “Turn around. And take your shirt off.”
“What?”, Izuku’s voice went high, “Why?”
Katsuki let out an annoyed growl, yanking Izuku around. “Shirt”, he demanded and Izuku sighed but took it off. Katsuki looked at Izuku’s scars, counting them, just like he always did.
Katsuki took in a deep breath and placed his hands on Izuku’s neck. He had heated them with his quirk but without making any explosions.
As soon as he touched Izuku with his warm hands Izuku let out a deep breath.
“You okay?”, Katsuki asked and he couldn’t believe how damn soft he sounded.
“Yes, thank you”, Izuku said breathless.
Katsuki swallowed hard. He moved his hands a few inches closer to Izuku’s neck. The minutes went by and all he could see was green hair and all those damn freckles. Freckles everywhere, occupying every spot of Katsuki’s mind. Maybe Katsuki should trace them, every single one of them and maybe kiss them, so he could-
Katsuki instantly jumped away from Izuku like he had just burnt himself. Which he kind of did.
“Kacchan?”, Izuku looked over his shoulder, clearly startled, “What is it?”
Katsuki’s mind was racing. He had to calm down. Now.
“I”, he thought of a lie, “I thought I needed to sneeze.”
Izuku frowned but he didn’t say anything.
“Turn around”, Katsuki cleared his throat, feeling his face heating up.
“Are you sure? Does this tire you?”, Izuku looked at him with big, considerate eyes.
“Tch”, Katsuki slapped his hands back on Izuku, much harder that necessary, “Piece of cake for the next No. 1 Hero.”
“But”, Izuku said with an innocent voice, “I’ll be the next No. 1.”
Katsuki scoffed at that and brought his hands around Izuku’s neck, shaking him back and forth. “What did you just say?”, he playfully hissed in Izuku’s ear who made a choking sound but was clearly laughing. Which seemed contagious because Katsuki started laughing too.
“Shitty nerd”, he said, letting go of Izuku. Izuku rolled his shoulders, still chuckling. He then grabbed his shirt, putting it back on.
“Thank you, really”, he said, smiling at Katsuki.
“It’s whatever”, Katsuki had to look away, “You’re okay then?”
“Yes”, Izuku beamed at him, “I’m just putting on the bandages before heading back to bed.”
Katsuki held out his hand. “I’ll put them on.”
Izuku looked at his outstretched hand. Katsuki could see that he was about to just grab it and gosh, how Katsuki wished he would. But instead of that Izuku opened the freezer, handing Katsuki the cold bandages.
Izuku pulled his sleeve over his shoulder and inhaled sharply as soon as the cold fabric touched his skin. Katsuki noticed that his own hands were shaking. He blamed the bandages for that.
“You’re good, Deku”, Katsuki stated as soon as he had finished.
Izuku nodded, placing his other hand over his bandaged biceps.
“Don’t yell at me, okay?”
Katsuki rolled his eyes.
“Okay?”
“Yeah yeah, spit it out.”
“That was very kind of you. And it made me really happy.”
Katsuki twisted his mouth.
“Don’t get sappy, nerd”, he mumbled, feeling flustered.
Izuku smiled at that. That sight made Katsuki’s stomach do a flip. That’s why he turned around, without saying another word, almost running back to his room.
~~~
This started to become a habit.
Every time Katsuki was woken by one of those heartbreaking asshole-nightmares, he headed down to the common room to shush those memories that were torturing him and every time Izuku was already sitting on one of the couches or at the dinner table.
They always had a little exchange of words, teasing each other and joking around, before returning to their rooms. Katsuki helped Izuku with all this pain-treating-methods and he only then came to realize in how severe pain Izuku was all the fucking time.
“Kacchan, something seems to bother you”, Izuku said one night while massaging Katsuki’s scalp. He had insisted on doing something for Katsuki too and since Katsuki’s quirk did in fact make his ears ring and his head hurt in consequence, he had allowed Izuku rubbing over his skull, making him almost fall asleep every time.
Katsuki was now sleepy as well and just hummed at Izuku’s statement, his head resting on Izuku’s crossed legs.
Yeah, he was damn right, a lot of things were bothering Katsuki. His self-hatred because of how the treated Izuku in the past, his tormenting nightmares because of that, his worry for the reckless nerd and his arms that were probably-
Katsuki sighed and sat up, his back turned to Izuku.
“There’s no point in telling you.”
“Why?”, Izuku asked curiously.
“’Cause your annoying ass will deny it anyway. To”, Katsuki hated that word, “protect me.”
“Protect you from what?”
“The truth, obviously.”
Izuku made a disagreeing sound. “I’ll be honest, I promise.”
Katsuki rubbed his eyes, not believing how much he had opened up to the nerd in the course of the last weeks. Just because they shared those silent moments together, far away from all the others at UA and from their daily responsibilities. There were no classmates interrupting them, no classes to attend, no criminal to catch, no need to surpass each other. No need for Katsuki to suppress his feelings.
“Okay”, he exhaled, “I wonder if”, he shrugged, “your arms would be like… less fucked up if you wouldn’t have run towards me to safe me from getting kidnapped.”
There it was. Maybe this wasn’t the whole truth, he didn’t even know if he would ever be capable of telling Izuku everything that was working him up, everything he was sorry for – fuck, he didn’t even know if he would ever be brave enough to say that he was sorry. But at least he got this one out.
And Izuku kept quiet for a while. For a long while. Katsuki grew irritated but he didn’t have the courage to turn around and look at Izuku’s face.
But Izuku was the one reaching out for Katsuki, as he had always been, grabbing his shoulder, clearly wanting Katsuki to look at him. Reluctantly he turned around.
“Kacchan”, Izuku said, waiting for Katsuki to look at him but all he could do was staring at Izuku’s shirt.
“Kacchan”, he repeated.
Damn it, don’t be a coward, he scolded himself and looked up at Izuku. The calm look on his face sent shivers down Katsuki’s spine.
“I’m sorry you are worrying about that. First you were burdening yourself with the responsibility of All Might’s retirement.”
At the mention of that Katsuki closed his eyes.
“And now you’re taking the blame for my arm injuries? Kacchan, you need to stop doing that, please!”
Katsuki’s eyes shot open when he felt Izuku placing his hands on Katsuki’s checks, holding him still so that he could pierce right into his eyes.
“Listen, now”, Izuku said, sounding uncharacteristically strict, “My arms would have ended up like this anyway, even if I hadn’t rushed towards you and even if that would have had any effect – this would be on me! It was my decision to go after you and I would do it again without a moment of hesitation.”
“Even knowing you would be too slow?”, Katsuki tried to tease but his voice was shaking.
Izuku pouted. “Yeah, rub that into my face, why don’t you.”
Katsuki chuckled at that and Izuku let go of him, leaning away.
“They would have killed your heroic dumbass”, Katsuki said after a while.
“Well…”, Izuku scratched the back of his head, “I can’t deny that.”
Katsuki's heart seemed to weigh a thousand pounds. If that really would have happened – if Izuku would have died trying to reach out for Katsuki – the League of Villains might have gotten what they wanted. This might have been Katsuki’s origin story as a villain.
“Our excursion is in a few days”, Katsuki said, thinking about the League.
Izuku hummed. They had talked about how unlikely it was that it would be just an “excursion”. They would probably go up against some villains, but no one told them so they wouldn’t worry too much.
“Maybe we should focus on our sleep till then.”
Katsuki hated himself for suggesting that but he knew he was right. He came to long for those moments alone with Izuku, when the world was asleep but for that upcoming mission they probably had to be on top of their game.
“Yeah”, Izuku agreed, “But thinking of that, Kacchan. You never told me why you’re up at that hour in the first place. I mean, considering your precisely planned sleeping schedule, I’m just surprised.”
Katsuki grumbled, indecisive on what to tell Izuku. The full truth was out of question. But he somehow couldn’t bring himself to straight up lie to the nerd.
“I”, he cleared this throat, “I have nightmares, alright?”
Izuku exhaled a long breath and stayed silent for a moment. “I’m sorry to hear that, Kacchan”, he said eventually, “Is there something I can do?”
Katsuki almost laughed at that. This dweeb was way too kindhearted. In the past it really had made him furious but now he could see Izuku’s kindness for what it was – kindness, nothing more, no hidden motives, no looking down on anyone.
“Like what, sing me to sleep or something?”, Katsuki tried to joke. The air around them had grown way too emotional.
“Hey!”, Izuku pouted, “Don’t mock me, I’m serious.”
Katsuki sighed. Yeah, he knew that and that was somehow the point.
“Yeah, yeah, angel boy, I get it, but I’m good. Let’s get back to sleep”, Katsuki stood up from the couch and dragged Izuku on his feet too. They walked towards the elevator and when it was time for Izuku to step outside, he looked at Katsuki, face flushed and said: “If you ever wake up from a nightmare and have trouble falling back to sleep, you can always… like, you know, come to my room. Maybe we can talk until you fall asleep again.”
Katsuki was stunned. He was just staring at Izuku.
“And don’t worry about waking me up. I don’t mind. I really don’t.”
Katsuki was still staring.
“Well”, Izuku was looking at the ground now, “Good night, Kacchan, see you tomorrow.”
And with that he was gone, leaving Katsuki’s heart running a mile per hour.
~~~
Katsuki felt like a creep. He was standing in front of Izuku’s door for a few minutes now. But he couldn’t bring himself to turn around and return to his cold bed but he also wasn’t able to enter Izuku’s room.
He said it himself!, he thought, He won’t mind!
Katsuki took a deep breath and just went for it. No risk no fun, or whatever.
The door didn’t make any sound but Katsuki heard Izuku instantly rustle in his bed, clearly being already awake.
“Kacchan?”, he whispered.
“Yeah”, was all Katsuki could answer.
Tomorrow was their big excursion or mission or whatever and Katsuki couldn’t stop thinking about how careless Izuku would act if there happened to be a fight. And those thoughts had followed him into his dreams, once again painting a bloody picture of yet another dead Izuku. Katsuki’s chest was still aching from that image.
“Come”, Izuku said, making room for Katsuki. Katsuki didn’t think about it too hard or otherwise he might have backed out. He shot the door, following Izuku’s soft voice and was finally being wrapped in a warm blanket, Izuku’s arm draped over his waist as if that was the most natural thing for them.
Katsuki’s eyes started to get used to the dark and he could make out Izuku’s features that were facing him. His eyes were closed.
“Nerd.”
“Hmm?”
Katsuki huddled closer, whispering: “You better come out of this alive tomorrow.”
Izuku smiled at that, also moving closer. Their noses were almost touching.
“Same for you.”
This answer had to be enough for the moment. Katsuki closed his eyes, once again listening to Izuku’s breathing and letting the sound calm him down. He had fallen back to sleep before he knew it.