Chapter Text
I stand in front of the door to the building, hesitantly, knowing what I might have to face. Of course there is the usual bullying that comes with being a new student, but this is college. No, what I’m worried about is how out of place I’ll be in this school. An all boys school, somewhere that, biologically speaking, I’m not allowed to be in. But I fought my way here, winning a scholarship and only being denied until after the fact. But I wasn’t taking no for an answer, after all why should I be denied when I don’t even identify as a girl? Trans men should be allowed here, and with a bit (ok a lot) of persuasion I was able to convince the school board to let me attend. Now I’m actually here, about to head to my first class. I take a glance at my watch and realize if I stand here any longer I’ll be late. After a deep breath, I grab the handle of the door and push it open, cool air hitting my face as I walk in.
The first thing I notice is how crowded the hallway is. I grip my backpack strap tight as I nervously begin to find my way to class, keeping my head down to avoid drawing attention. I’m sure everyone here already knows about me, seeing how big of a deal it was once I got accepted. Hopefully I can make it to class before I get recognized. But once that thought crosses my mind it’s immediately jinxed when I start to hear whispers all around me. It’s hard to make out what they’re saying, but I hear bits and pieces.
“Look it’s her”
“I thought girls weren’t allowed”
“What a freak”
“They don’t belong here”
“Hey is that the [redacted]?”
I wince after hearing that last comment. It’s not uncommon that I hear that word, but I still get hurt by it. My face starts to warm up as I hear quiet laughter, and I speed up my pace. I start running, desperate to make it to the lecture hall. Without looking at where I’m going, my body crashes into another student and we fall to the ground. If my face wasn’t red before, it sure is now. “Oh no, are you okay?” the boy asks me as I gather my stuff. I start apologizing profusely, still keeping my head down in case he recognizes me.
“I-I’m sorry I wasn’t looking where I was going and-” He reaches down to grab the map I dropped, but I do the same and our hands meet. I look up to find myself starting into a pair of hazel eyes. “Hey it’s no problem.” He softly smiles at me, causing my face to heat up more than I thought it could. I take in the fedora he’s wearing and the dirty blonde hair coming out. Why is he so cute? I catch myself staring for too long and quickly grab my map. We both stand up, and he hands me the rest of my things that I dropped. I pull them out of his hands, with maybe too much force, and then book it out of there. If I give him anymore time to look at me, he’ll recognize who I am and make fun of me like the rest of them. All I want now is to disappear.
Finally, after what feels like the longest walk of my life, I make it to class. One that I’ve been looking forward to, music. I settle down in the back of the room, placing my stuff into the empty seat next to me. There’s still time before class starts, and my mind starts to wander towards the boy I just ran into. Somehow, by pure coincidence, or maybe even fate, the door opens and I see him standing there. Hoping he didn’t notice me, I put my head down into my arms on the table. He does notice me, however, and I hear him walk up the steps to the back row where I’m sitting. “Is this seat taken?” He asks, pointing at the seat my bag is in. “Yes” I say quickly, and a little too harshly. I don’t mean to come across as rude but I accidentally give him a dirty look and he backs off. Class starts as he takes a seat a few rows in front of me, and I focus my attention on the professor as my thoughts drift away from that boy and back to my favorite subject.
—
The day seems to go by in a blur, and before I know it, it’s already the end of the day. I still hear people whispering things about me throughout the day, but the worst of it seems to have already passed. There’s about an hour until my last class, but I have a free period so I spend my time walking through the building. It’s much less crowded now, seeing that most people are in their classes, so I’m able to enjoy the walk without feeling all eyes staring at me. At least none of those eyes were the hazel ones that I saw earlier today. I bolted out of my music class the moment we were dismissed, avoiding him before I embarrassed myself again. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, there’s really no reason to run away from him. He seemed genuinely nice when I bumped into him, but I guess I can never be too careful. Yeah, I’m just being cautious. Imagine if he’s just being nice to me only to lull me into a sense of false hope. Hold on! What am I thinking??? Get yourself together. Not everyone is cruel and heartless like that.
After being lost in thought while wandering around, I realize that I’m also physically lost. I curse myself for not paying attention to where I was going, but then notice something. An indoor fountain, like one you would see at a mall. It’s circular and has potted plants and trees surrounding it. I also notice it feels warmer in this area, and look up to see a hole in the roof, letting the sunlight and fresh air in. What a perfect place to stumble into. I look around and see a few students sitting on the ground or on nearby white benches. It’s a nice, calm place and I realize this is probably where a lot of people come to study, relax, or hang out with friends. If only I had some friends to hang out with… It’s only the beginning of the school year! I’m sure I’ll make friends soon, I reassure myself.
Sitting down on the ledge of the fountain, I take out my sketchbook and pencil from my backpack. Sometimes I like to draw my surroundings to pass the time. Usually I just draw my own characters, but times like this inspire me to make portraits of people passing through. Looking around, with a blank page of my sketchbook open on my lap, I see him again. The first thing I notice is his fedora, causing me to believe it could be someone else. I wish it was someone else. But then there’s that unmistakable dark blonde hair and those hazel eyes. Sitting on a bench near the fountain, with a book in one hand and an apple in the other. He’s too focused on the book to notice me. I let out a breath of relief.
Something about him keeps me from looking away. Maybe the way he’s sitting, maybe it’s the concentrated look in his eyes, or maybe it’s the way he bites down on his apple, making me wonder what else that mouth can do… I quickly shift my thoughts back to the way he’s seated and convince myself that’s why I’m drawn to him. It would make good posing practice, I rarely draw people sitting down. With my pencil in my hand, I sketch the base pose. Within no time, I shift my focus to penciling in his features. I glance up at him multiple times while working, with him even noticing my gaze a couple times. He smiles at me every time he notices my staring, and I can’t help smiling back. After a short time, I’m done with my work. It looks a lot like him, maybe too much. I blush at the thought of me being so concentrated on his face that I got every detail of it.
Before I start to get second thoughts, I move from where I’m seated and approach his bench. “Um, hello! Could I sit here?” I ask, pointing at the spot next to him. “Of course! Here let me just-” he looks at me surprised while moving the bag beside him to the floor. “Thanks,” I settle down next to him, hoping my face isn’t as red as it feels. We sit quietly for a while as he continues to read his book. A few minutes go by as we both awkwardly glance at each other from time to time. Taking a deep breath, I finally break the silence, “I’m sorry about earlier today.” With a smug grin, he looks up from his book, “For when you ran into me? Or for being hostile in music class?” he asks sarcastically. I bite my lip nervously, “Um… both?” It’s quiet again as he looks at me with curiosity. “You new here?” I’m taken aback by his question, there’s no way he doesn’t know. “Y-yeah… how could you tell?” I brace myself for more ridicule like earlier today. “I just haven’t seen you around before, it’s a big school though so I wasn’t too sure.”
His answer surprises me, he really has no idea who I am? “Wait so… you haven’t heard like, anything about me?” He shakes his head and shrugs, “Usually it’s not a big deal when there’s a new student.” I lean back against the bench and breathe a sigh of relief. Finally I don’t have to deal with someone gawking and laughing at me. Maybe I can tell him. “I guess I must be an exception…” I hesitate, still worried about being mocked, “Any idea as to why?” His hazel eyes stare at me intensely, as if he’s trying to find something. After a moment, he smiles at me. “Maybe it’s because there’s something special about you.” I hide my face in my hands laughing, “Is that some kind of awful pick-up line?”
“Oh, no… no no no! I’m so sorry! I mean- well you just seem… unique?” His face turns pink as he tries to explain himself, at least I’m not the only one who feels embarrassed. “Hey calm down, I was only joking, but thanks!” I reassure him. “Good to know,” he offers his hand out to me, “I’m Patrick, by the way.” I hesitate a bit before taking his hand, “Y/n, nice to meet you, Patrick!”
We continue chatting about school stuff, I tell him about my scholarship and, reluctantly, why I had to fight to get here. “So they wouldn’t let you in because you’re transgender?” Patrick asks me after I explain my situation. “Basically, yeah.” Suddenly my lap becomes much more interesting as I look down to hide from his judgment. “That doesn’t make sense.” I lift my head back up in surprise,
“What do you mean?”
“Well if you’re a boy, then you should be allowed to come here, right?”
“Yeah but… I’m not technically a boy-”
“But you are, though”
I’m speechless. I never expected someone to validate my feelings like this, no one’s ever seen me as just a boy. Before I can figure out a way to explain that to him, he changes the subject. “So what are you majoring in?”
“Hm? Oh, art!” I answer excitedly. With everything I’ve been through, art has always been a safe place for me. Suddenly, I remember the entire reason I sat with him in the first place.
“Speaking of which, sorry if this is weird but… I was drawing you earlier.” Patrick gives me a surprised look, “Did you now? Can I see it?” I nervously open up my sketchbook to the page I worked on, and hand it to him. “Wow this is- y/n, this is amazing!”
“R-really!”
“Yeah! It looks so good, it’s almost like looking into a mirror!” I know he’s joking about that, my style is nowhere near realistic, but I still take it as a compliment. “Well… why don’t you keep it then?” I take the sketchbook from his hands and carefully rip the page out. “But… it’s your artwork, I can’t possibly-”
“I can always just draw you again” I smile at Patrick, waiting for him to take the drawing. He just stares at me, as if he’s too stunned to speak.
Our silence is broken by the bell ringing, and that means I have to face reality again. I stand up, disappointed that this is over, until he takes the paper out of my hand. “You’ll need to come back to me for this, I still won’t let you give it to me though.” My smile comes back. It’s not over, he actually wants to see me again after this. “Is that so? Well what can I do to convince you to keep it?” He stands in silence for a moment, thinking, “Sit with me in music tomorrow and then I’ll let you know,” he offers his hand out to me again, “Deal?” I give him a look, but shake his hand, “Fine, I’ll see you tomorrow, Patrick!”
“Yeah, see you y/n!” My heart flutters hearing him say my name. I rush to my final class, feeling like I’m floating. For the first time today, I didn’t feel like disappearing. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all!