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I’ll never tell.
It was decided long ago that I would never tell. I don’t know exactly who made this decision- was it me? Well, of course it was me-but why? There’s a million different reasons to keep my emotions bottled up inside like a firecracker waiting for it’s flame, so that hopefully, it might be able to show it’s spark.
Was it the death of my parents that made me this way? In that case, how is he, that blond haired blue eyed idiot, able to smile everyday like it’s his job? Why is he able to laugh without restraint and joke without a care?
Was it Itachi? With his lies of protection and his promises of death? His betrayal, and the way he blindly followed those who ordered him to do the most gruesome of tasks; it left me scarred. But really, I could never blame Itachi for this.
Maybe it’s Naruto. The way he can attract anyone like a moth to a flame; thinking he has no affect on me is pointless, because I was never one to lie to myself. I’m no different than the others who bombard him with love and cherish his smile; even if at times I’m the only one who can tell it is fake.
But I’ll never tell.
The day we fought between the two statues we ourselves reincarnate; that was the day, I believe, I first realized my true feelings.
I’m in love with you.
And I wanted to whisper that sentence so many times. I wanted to shout it, to scream it to the world, to let them know that his smile was mine, his laugh was mine, his tears are mine, he is mine, and mine alone.
But I couldn’t say any of these things. My brain simply would not allow it. Will not allow it. Only through my fists am I able to convey the love I wish to express in kisses. I want him more than anything.
I need him more than oxygen; because his words allow me to breathe, even if his gaze instantly takes it away. His blue eyes are piercing and I know, I hope, that they see the feelings I cannot say aloud.
He asks me why I run away.
What else can I do?
When I choke on my own feelings and stumble through my brain all because you look at me; how can I not run? How can I not hate you? Make you want to disappear, so that hopefully, I won’t have to show anymore emotions.
Because pure emotions are the most difficult thing to control, Naruto. And when I see you, I bite my lip and hold my breath because I’m scared to speak even the slightest word, in fear of saying something that is unable to be taken back.
So I’ll never tell.
I’ll never tell you how much I missed you. How much I still miss you, even though you stand next to me everyday, tall and proud with that golden smile on your face. I’ll never tell you how much your words truly affect me. How many nights were spent contemplating your thoughts that were laced with anger and sorrow-rather than sleeping. I’ll never tell you how many nights I fall asleep after I have worn out my desire gripped in my right hand to the picture of you in my mind. The guilt I feel afterwards is nonexistent-because it’s you that’s done this to me, Naruto.
And i’ll never tell you that your scent both calms and arouses me. How your voice sends shivers down my spine, and how your lips seem to capture every ounce of my attention.
I can never tell you. Because why would anyone in the right frame of mind, ever want to fall in love with someone like me?
Someone whose anger gets the best of them, even in the pettyist of situations. Someone who tries to show no emotion, yet on the inside is an unsafe playground filled with guilt and sorrow and confusion and love. Someone who can never voice what they truly want, if what they want isn’t something guaranteed they can have.
You say we are best friends but would you say that if you knew how much I longed to be something more?
But I’ll never tell, because seeing you accomplish your dreams is more important than being by your side. The hate filled glances you receive when seen with me, would only double if I were to voice my love to you. So I’ll never tell. Because your happiness should come first now, Naruto, not mine.
Yet I don’t understand. If I had promised myself never to reveal any of these things, why are they spewing out of my mouth now like a drain sucking down sink water? My brain is foggy and my lips are tingling yet I know exactly what I am saying-because it’s the same sentence I’ve repeated in my head hundreds of times before.
I love you.
And it must be the beer, because I can’t stop saying it. Over and over I repeat myself, louder and louder each time in hopes that maybe you will understand the depth of my love for you. My longing for you. Because it’s not admiration I feel, it’s a connection like no other i’ve felt in my life, and I know I will never feel again.
So when you look at me with creased eyebrows and hazy blue eyes, I can’t help but feel pain. You force a smile and shake your head, taking another drink of the alcohol which had got me to confess in the first place.
“You’re so drunk, Sasuke.” Yet he says the statement like a plea; hoping the reason I dare to say these words is only because of the sake I've had a little too much of.
And he's right. But I say it again because I want his acknowledgement. I want him to tell me the words I want to hear so badly, and it’s selfish, yes, but I can’t help myself in this moment.
“Yea, yea, Sasuke. I love you too, you’re...my best friend.”
My jaw snaps shut and I can see nothing but red. “I'M NOT JUST YOUR FRIEND!” I want to shout, but I can’t- because my mind doesn’t work correctly when I’m around him anymore. The silence between us continues until finally, my anger recedes into sadness, and my red vision into blurry tears.
I watch Naruto’s face contort with a sort of apologetic pain as the hot tears stream down my already warm face. We’re in public, and I’m crying, and this would never have happened if it weren’t for him.
I hiccup once, twice, and my voice shakes as I demand control of my senses. “No…”
No control comes, and the word comes out as a plea. “No, I love you.” My breathing is fast and my tears are unstoppable, yet Naruto never responds.
I shake with frustration and sorrow and anger as the blond tells me it’s time to go home. His shoulder wraps around mine and we lean on eachother for support, like in the old days. His touch is warm and exciting, yet it only makes my sobs grow louder.
I can’t control my emotions now that they’re out in the open.
“I’m sorry.” I say as I lean outside my front door-because it’s the only thing I can think to say at a time like this. But there's so many raw thoughts that are running through my unfiltered mind. I want to die with you. I want to be by your side no matter what. Kiss me. I want to see you cry. Touch me. I want to see that smile reserved only for me. I want to be the one to make you happy. Love me. You make me happy. I want to complete you. Hold me. Naruto, you complete me.
I love you. I always have.
“Goodnight, Sasuke.” He leaves, but before he can turn around to walk away, I spot a tear trickling its way down his cheek. Or maybe it’s my own tears, blocking my vision. I guess I’ll never know.
END.