Work Text:
[Recorder clicks on.]
ARCHIVIST:
(SIGHS.) I don’t… Georgie knows when I receive these statements. I know she does. No matter what I do, she knows. I can’t hide it. They make me- (HUFFS.) It’s an almost insatiable feeling. The need to read and record them. When I have one and I know it’s there, I can’t do anything until I record it. It lives in my head, takes over my every thought.
Before I started smoking again, I had the same feeling. Those days where I would do literally anything to get the idea of a cigarette out of my mind. Chugging coffee that I absolutely hated, biting my nails to the point of bleeding, pinching the inside of my wrists and arms until I looked like a heroin addict for all the bruises… Didn’t manage to work in the end. I couldn’t fight it. I can’t fight these statements either. I hate that I need them, but I worry that if I don’t read them I’ll miss something. If I don’t read them then I won’t know everything, I won’t know something that might end up saving someone. Saving Martin or any of the others… I need them. I want them to be okay.
Statement of Milo Ridge, concerning their strange compulsion to travel to unknown places. Original statement given July 8th, 2009. Statement recorded by Jonathan Sims.
Statement begins.
ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT):
I don't know why I'm here, I'm sorry. I don't even think I have anything to say, nothing to make one of your ‘statements’ about. But being here- it just feels right. Like that itch when you crave a vice you gave up years ago; but once you give in and light up that cigarette or take that shot of whiskey, you have that fleeting sense of relief that passes over you in that warm, welcoming wave. But after that wave passes, you immediately go chasing one even bigger.
I don't know why I'm here.
I don't know why I even left home, I just-... It hurts to think about it. Thinking too long causes my brain to web into knots and get tangled within itself. I wish I knew though, I wish I knew. I think deep down my brain does know, I just can't- it won't let me know yet.
I'm not from here, never been to the U.K. before this actually. I'm actually from New York. I live- lived there with my fiance, Stephanie, and our two dogs. She was studying to be a veterinarian while I supported us as a mechanic. The worst part is, I don’t think I even feel bad about leaving her. She was the love of my life and I cannot bring myself to care about what I did. I’m too focused on chasing something, that feeling of having to be somewhere. Right now, that ‘somewhere’ is this place, this Institute. And it feels right to me making this statement. I can’t live to do what is ‘correct’ anymore, all I can do is follow this string to this short lived peace. I know that after this, just like after every moment of peace, it will lead me somewhere new.
I don't know what came over me, what made this all happen, but this feeling started months ago. I remember, I was under a car- some cute, little convertible that belonged to a girl who barely knew how to put gas in the damn thing- and a spider trailed by. Spiders aren't uncommon in a shop like that, they're pretty welcomed actually, at least at the one I worked at. We'd keep the big doors open when it was hot so we didn't bake in there. Of course that let in flies and other bugs that would gladly bite at you all day. So, the spiders were nice. They kept the bugs at bay for the most part. But you never really saw them on the floor. They always stayed in the high corners or the ceiling, building their kind little webs out of our way.
This one though, some fat, brown thing just scuttled past me. I saw it out of the corner of my eye, and when I looked down to get a better look at it, it was gone. I don't mean the thing hid, it was just gone. It was at that moment that I felt some sort of tug, or a pull, to just leave. It wasn't a bad feeling. Just some subtle sort of thought to just clock out and leave. I didn't know where I wanted to go, but I didn't want to be there.
Of course I couldn't just leave. Of course I couldn't… But of course I did. It wasn't that day though, no, I had some restraint. I had a lot, actually, if you think about it. Everyday, that pull grew. I felt restless and antsy and couldn't find any peace. I hated being at home, I hated being at work, I hated being anywhere. When I drove to work or to the store, it got to the point where I had to fight myself to not keep on driving without a clue of where I was going. It was a terrible feeling. A bitter, aching, and evil craving. I didn't know what I wanted, I don't know what I want. I don't know if I want anything, I don't think I do. Maybe my body does, but I don't. The only thing that I know that I want is to not feel this pain, to not feel the noose around my neck so tightly. That’s why I chase this craving, so that I can have a few seconds of this leash loosen before it grows taunt again and I can barely think.
After three months of that pull growing and nagging in me, I gave in. I left work barely 3 hours into my shift, got in my car, and just drove. I didn't tell Stephanie what I was doing, I didn't even go home to pack a bag. I just got in the car and left. I drove and drove and drove, and there was barely a thought on my mind. The hours blended into days, and whenever I needed money for gas or whatever else, the strangest thing would happen. When I would realize I was running low on funds, I would look around and just… pick someone. It didn't matter who. I would pick someone and walk up to them with my hand out, and like a machine they would just place money in my hands. I didn't even have to.
I don't think I feel bad. I don’t know if that makes me a terrible person, it probably does. Leaving my fiance to fend for herself... I did call her. I had the sense to do that. Two days after I left, I saw a payphone and picked it up. She had thought I went missing. I think she wishes I actually would have gone missing. Now I know that she thinks I’ve lost my mind. But she wouldn’t understand. She doesn’t have this pull within her, directing her, forcing her to move. And I can’t describe it, not in any way will make sense to her anyways.
I traveled for months before I came here. Driving until the pull lessened, going to places and meeting with people that made no sense except for the fact that they brought me momentary peace. This pull… This one hurt. The urge to come here to this Institute was strong. So strong. The moment I sat down in this chair to write this statement, I felt a weight fall off my shoulders. My lungs could breathe again, and my brain was my own. I could think. I regained the freedom of choice, the freedom of thought that I know will soon leave me.
There is something here. Something big, something old and grand and great and cruel. I don’t know what it is, but I think I can feel its pull. Its pull is different. The pull I have, these weird lines that lead me- oh it is tangled in them. It’s so heavily interwoven within these lines and pulls of want that it cannot even separate itself from them anymore.
The lines. This pull. It’s tiring. I feel it again, the string around my neck growing taunt. I know the more I follow it, the deeper into the web I fall. But I can’t fight it. The temptation of that high I get from being able to think my own thoughts is too great. I don’t think I can get out now. If I tried to fight the pull, I think it would kill me. For right now, living at the mercy of the monstrous lure of this web is much greater than dying by its thread.
ARCHIVIST:
Statement ends.
… (CLEARS THROAT.) Well, that was a little more uh… relatable than I would have liked it to be. What I think Ridge is experiencing is the pull of the Web, I don’t- I guess I thought that maybe I… Overall, I know what I feel is a connection to the Eye, however, I do not appreciate the similarities between the Web’s pulling guidance and the Eye’s hunger for information. I am starting to see how similar the two are… It’s not lost on me, their pull, their power.
One thing that sticks out to me with this statement is the ‘something’ within the Institute. Did Ridge mean the Eye? The ‘lines of pulls and wants’... That doesn’t match up with what I know about the Eye, but certainly the Eye is the most powerful thing associated with the Institute… Maybe- I don’t want to disregard the idea that it could be Elias. He's still a mystery, but what I do know of him... I have no doubt that he wouldn't continue to kill and exploit others to get what he wants. He already killed Gertrude... Leitner too... What else is he hiding?
I don’t know, I need to do more digging. The research I did manage on Milo Ridge didn’t turn up much. I believe they are still alive, but there’s nothing I can find on them as of recently. Their last known address was one in New York, and I did manage to make a call to his ex-fiance. Uh- she wasn’t very interested in talking to me, however, and showed no interest in Milo or knowledge of their whereabouts. A dead end.
What do I want, I wonder. Besides figuring out what the Unknowing is and how to stop it. I don’t think I know. I mean, not being wanted for murders I didn’t commit would be nice, too… (LAUGHS DRYLY.) Ah… But if I didn’t- If things were ‘normal’, I think… Maybe I’d want to talk to Martin, and maybe… maybe just-
(DOOR CLICKS UNLOCKED. BEGINS TO SWING OPEN.)
ARCHIVIST:
Ah! Oh, well- end recording.
[Recorder clicks off.]