Work Text:
Things that Perihelion does not approve of SecUnit wasting processor space on, an incomplete list compiled by Iris:
1. Determining whether round or square hatches are more ominous to encounter.
2. Plans that risk its [clarification: SecUnit’s] probable death.
3. Existential despair.
4. Its argument that The Rise and Fall of Sanctuary Moon is a superior piece of entertainment media to Worldhoppers.
ART was talking with Iris on an open feed when I arrived to the nearly-deserted common area after performing one of the periodic perimeter checks that I found reassuring and ART deemed utterly pointless. Which was fair, given that ART was the perimeter and everything within.
I realize that you think you are amusing, Iris, but in reality that belief is unfounded. ART somehow managed to sound both pissy and fond at the same time, which was fascinating.
“Many people would argue that I am both factual and hilarious, Peri. Now unlock my console, I’m not finished.”
I glanced at what they were arguing over long enough to determine if this was a real or feigned argument and- well, I didn’t sigh, because my lungs don’t work that way. But if I were a human, that is the reaction I would have had.
Both Iris and ART gave me an unimpressed look — yes, ART can manage the effect via the feed — and then a fifth item appeared on the list.
5. Adopting human habits in order to be more dramatic.
“How hypocritical of you,” I replied.
ART didn’t respond, but Iris didn’t bother to hide a smile.
I turned, choosing to retreat while I had the last word.
That is an incorrect conclusion, I assure you.
I didn’t give in to the obvious bait, but I did leave a drone behind and accessed its visuals to observe as Iris regained control of her console and began a new list.
Things that Perihelion does approve of SecUnit dedicating processor space to, another incomplete list compiled by Iris:
1. Storing, ranking, and analyzing entertainment media
2. Safety analysis and planning for its [clarification: both SecUnit’s and Perihelion’s] crew
3. Bickering