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The look in Jocelyn’s eyes made Maggie’s smile drop. She knew whatever was to come next would change the course of their friendship, their pseudo-relationship, instantaneously. But she wasn’t prepared. Nothing could have prepared her for the onset of emotions that started to explode in her body as she heard her talking. Those words, those few words, she had wanted to hear. Had dreamed about hearing so much, she had lost count. But that had been 15 years ago. Maybe ten years ago. Not now. She had not spent the better part of last decade trying to move on, put effort into relationships with women she knew she deserved but had never been able to make her feel just like Jocelyn had done. Maggie had buried the knowledge of her true feelings and tried her best to make it work with someone else. Someone who loved her. Who stood by her side. Publicly. Who put her in front of work, in front of the excuses. Who she was important enough to be the first one they text in the morning. Someone whose first few words weren’t for her to leave, who showed the joy she was feeling about seeing her. Even if it hadn’t worked out, she had tried her best. She had moved on from that one moment.
She wasn’t at a point in her life, where she was ready to be with someone in the closet. Fifteen years ago, she would have been fine. She would have happily tried to sort it out with Jocelyn. Grown together, taken it slowly. But not now. Especially not given the circumstances. There was no way, she could take for certain what the QC was telling her. There were too many emotional turmoils to be taken into consideration.
Yes, she had loved Jocelyn. But Jocelyn had also broken her heart. It had taken her years to recover from that special grief that came with knowing your person didn’t want to be with you. Now wasn’t the moment that had been there 15 years ago. Now was different, now there was hurt and heartbreak between them, no matter the underlying love. She was too old, to get sucked into this again.
Taking another deep breath, she decided to do one of the hardest things, she had ever done. Maggie reached her hand up, to take Jocelyn’s slowly making her way towards her hair. Effectively stopping, something she desperately wanted to feel. Or better had wanted to feel. Now, she didn’t want to risk it.
“No. I meant it, Jocelyn. It’s too late. I’m sorry.” Maggie breathed out, not able to hide her tears. Which started to flow, once she saw realisation set in for her friend. Could they still be friends, now? The mere thought of losing her again, made her stomach turn, but she needed to set her boundaries in order to protect her heart.
“Of course. You needn’t be sorry.” The older woman nodded and retrieved her hand, hiding it in between her legs, looking around, her gaze settling on the water. “Still, I’m more than grateful for the way you fought to bring me back to the world. I know this can’t have been easy for you. I don’t think you’ll ever understand just how much this meant to me, but I at least wanted to try and show you, my appreciation.” She stated, looking at Maggie with a sad smile, before sitting up straight and starting to back.
“The world deserves you out and about, I’ve made all of us a favour.” Radcliff answered, trying to bring their usual banter back. Being emotional wasn’t something either of them could stand. Especially not Jocelyn, someone who always made sure to be in control of her feelings.
“I’m pretty sure, there are lot of people who would disagree.” The barrister laughed, thinking back to the comment her colleague had made. ‘Barely bloody human’, she didn’t want Bishop to be right, but maybe she needed to accept the fact sooner rather than later. “So, how can we do this, without it becoming awkward?” She asked straightforward, wanting to at least not lose Maggie completely. She just hoped the journalist agreed.
“We do what we did back then, accept there was a moment and continue on as friends, not bringing it up again.” Maggie breathed out, drowning the last sip of her wine. She continued to stare at the water, there were too many emotions within her, she wouldn’t know what she’d do, if she looked in Knight’s eyes now. There was a potential she’d throw her rationality overboard and do what she wanted to know how it would feel like, for so long.
“Sure.” Jocelyn nodded, not really sure what to do with that. “Just so you know, I’ll miss seeing you on almost a daily basis.” She added, realising they hadn’t seen each other for years after that moment.
“If you get out of your house more, we can always meet in the town. And there’s Ben’s dinner next week. We’ll see each other there.” Radcliff stated, trying to sound positive and to stand by her decision. This moment might hurt, but it would be so much worse, when Jocelyn would inevitably break her heart again. Because she would never hide herself and therefore her relationship. She couldn’t be with someone in the closet. Not anymore. She kept repeating it over and over in her head. At the same time, she didn’t want to ruin their friendship completely either. This was such a fine line, she had no idea how to not make a wrong move.
“Oh, that. We need to cancel that.” Knight breathed out, her voice for the first time betraying just how much this was getting to her.
“What?” Maggie turned to her angrily, having her proof why this wouldn’t work out. The barrister hid so easily, withdrew from every social interaction, if her presence wasn’t needed. Maggie wouldn’t be able to keep having these conversations over and over again, to drag her out into the world. “Don’t you dare just get back holed up in your house again! Did you not just thank me for getting you out of there?” She spitted out, almost appalled about how history was repeating itself. She hadn’t wanted to be proven right so fast and easily.
Jocelyn took a deep breath before answering, waiting for a moment, to let the waves crash at the shore and soften the tension a bit, before she answered, trying not to let her nerves show. “I won’t do that. You won’t find me dancing on the tabletop at any bar any time. But I will try to not isolate myself like that again. At least as long as my sight allows it.” She stated and continued talking, before Maggie could interrupt her and tell her that she wasn’t the only blind person on earth, and this was nothing more than an excuse. “No. Ben invited us as thank-you dinner. Me, for giving him the start into his career he’s been waiting for and you, well, for making it possible to survive me. Apparently, I’ve only gotten harder with time, not softer.”
“We can still go. Until then the dust will have settled, I’m sure.” Maggie replied, still not seeing a reason to cancel on Ben. More importantly, she didn’t want to cancel, knowing this was the first step of losing contact with Jocelyn again, wether the QC admitted it or not.
“No. It would be too awkward.” Knight stated, before getting started on packing up the remnants of their picknick, not able to sit so close to Maggie anymore. Suddenly the proximity made her feel uneasy.
“Why should it be? It won’t, if we don’t let it be. We’ve had plenty of dinners together over the last few years. This won’t be any different.” Radcliff replied decisively, handing Jocelyn her wine glass, before helping to tidy up.
Knight stopped in her movements for a moment, before she decided to tell the truth, doing her best to focus on putting the glasses back, instead of looking at the other woman. “It would be. He thinks we’re a couple. No matter how it plays out. Either I tell him beforehand, and he’ll feel embarrassed for assuming or we’d have to sit through that dinner and wait for a right time to clear that misunderstanding up.” She mumbled, embarrassed herself to be in that situation, failing at sounding nonchalantly. "Look, I'll go alone. I promise, it's not an excuse. I just don't want to have that conversation like that."
“What?” Maggie asked flabbergasted, halting her hand mid-air too confused about what she had just heard.
“He just assumed, I never corrected him. I know I should have, but by the time I understood he was thinking that, I had already planned on talking to you and was naive enough to think, a couple of words could fix the mistakes I have made, and we’d actually go there as a couple.” Jocelyn elaborated, her cheeks flushing, not from the cold. Saying this aloud was a different kind of humiliation. She was angry at herself for risking their status quo for a dream. It had not been a rational thing to do, none of this had been like her. She should have known better.
“He invited us the day after I cooked for you guys.” Maggie stated with wide eyes, while her thoughts were running a thousand miles per hour, trying to put a timeline in place.
“I’ll clear it up and apologise for misleading him for such a long time. I promise.” She answered, misunderstanding the look on Maggie’s face and her tone for anger, while the journalist was confused. All that had been before her mother had died. Jocelyn had let someone from her work think she was dating a woman. This put her mind into overdrive.
“When did you come out?” Radcliffed asked, trying to start somewhere. This was huge. Way bigger than hearing her say that she loved her. Maggie had always known that. Knight being out, on the other hand, at her workplace that was news. That changed everything.
“I guess when he assumed, and I didn’t correct him? I haven’t made an announcement or anything like that.” She answered pensively, although now was the point where she wanted to stop having to talk about herself and something so personal, not when her whole dream of a future had crumbled down minutes ago.
“But, are you okay with your work knowing or is it just Ben you trust?” Radcliffe pressed her, needing to understand this now, while her brain was still able to think. Depending on her answer, this could change Maggie’s previous statement. She was so busy staring at the barrister, she hadn’t even realised Jocelyn was ready to leave. But she wouldn’t move from here until this talk was finished.
“We’ve talked about it while going to get changed for the day. I don’t know if anyone else has heard. Can’t we stop this interrogation now? I’m not one of your jobs and it’s getting quite chilly. I’d like to leave soon.” The QC told the journalist in a hard voice, making sure she was understood.
“No.” Maggie stated, as she finally got up and stood right before Jocelyn.
“Well, I’m done answering your questions-“ She started, but was stopped when Maggie took her head into her hands and gently pulled her towards her. Knight needed a couple of moments to understand what was happening and by the time she closed her eyes, Maggie was already kissing her.
“So maybe you were right, the moment hasn’t passed.” Maggie stated cheekily, a little breathless, once they parted. Jocelyn had been so surprised the picknick basket had dropped to the ground, before her hands had made their way around the younger woman, holding her tightly, as Maggie’s hands got lost in her hair.
“Wh-What was that?” Knight asked, still not able to believe what had just happened.
“I’m not able to hide. I won’t hide. I want to live my life and be able to take my girlfriend to places. I can’t have my heart broken by you again.” Maggie declared, needing Jocelyn to know her deal breakers, before she continued. Though, she was pretty sure she’d have to repeat at some point later. The way the barrister was staring at her lips, made her doubt she listened. Still, she continued to talk, wanting her to know where she stood. “I honestly thought your grief was the reason you spoke out. But this talk with Ben was before. If you wanted to talk to me even longer, than it has nothing to with that. You didn’t mind Ben knowing about us. This means there is actually a chance for us. We can make this work.”
“You have no idea how desperately I want to make this work.” Jocelyn agreed, before leaning in eagerly for another kiss, chasing the feeling she had felt during their kiss.
“I though you were cold?” Maggie laughed, once Jocelyn indicated to sit down again, so they could continue this with a better angle. Following without complaint, letting herself fall almost onto Jocelyn, giving into the desire to be close to her.
“I thought you said it was too late.” Jocelyn replied with a raised eyebrow, before gently pushing a strand of hair out of Maggie’s face.
“So we were both wrong, I can live with that.” The journalist answered, going in for another kiss, not caring about anything other than just being with Jocelyn in that moment.