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“That apology went very well, don’t you think? I am sure the crew will warm up to you again in no time.” Stede threw him an encouraging smile while continuing to put the chalices back in the cupboard.
Ed made a non-committal sound from where he sat on his wooden chest as he watched the blond put everything back in order. The bell around his neck jingled as he absentmindedly played with it. “Say, how long do I have to wear this thing?” He pointed at his neck in annoyance.The collar was scratchy, and admittedly, humiliating.
Stede’s smile turned apologetic. “Until probation ends.”
"Right. And when exactly is that? A day? Two?”
Stede closed the cabinet door with a sigh. “When the crew feels comfortable around you again.” He paused. “And when you don’t do insane things anymore, like shooting people’s legs off.”
Ed grimaced. The first time Stede and he had sat down to talk about what had happened while they were separated, he had to tell him of course why the crew was looking worse for wear and why Izzy was missing a goddamn leg. Stede hadn’t said anything then, but Ed could tell by the way his eyes had dimmed and his lips tightened, that he disapproved. With how fragile things still were between them, he was probably trying to spare Ed’s feelings, but he could read the lingering disapproval in the furrowing of his brows.
“Okay, so… probably more than a day then.” He stated more than asked and Stede gave him a sad, tiny nod.
“I know this must be weird for you. You probably didn’t have to apologize when you were captain.”
Ed snorted. “Apologizing? Nah, I didn't apologize for jack shit.” He started playing with the bell around his neck again. “Didn’t even know how to do that before you helped me with the speech.”
“Well, there’s always a first time for everything and I am glad I could help you!” Stede beamed. “It will still take some more time and effort until the crew trusts you again, though.”
Ed’s head whipped up in shock. “What, even more? Giving that speech was hard already, how am I supposed to come up with even more?” He groaned.
“They’ve all been through a lot. They need time. I don’t know just…” Stede vaguely gestured around with his hands. “...talk to them?” Ed scoffed and Stede patted his shoulder in encouragement. “Oh come on, you’ll be fine, I know it! You’re a natural at talking!”
And with that Stede walked off to tidy up the next room, leaving a bemused Ed behind.
“‘Just talk.’” He repeated to himself in a mocking tone. Sure, he could do that. He would start with that immediately.
—
He did not start with that immediately, because talking to people was scary actually, Ed decided. At least if openness and feelings were involved. He had walked out on deck and let his eyes wander over the crew members going about their daily business and was greeted with cold, uninviting glares, or outright avoidance, like in Izzy’s case. Ed’s throat dried up just thinking about striking up a conversation, and so he just didn’t. That didn’t mean he was a coward, he was simply being strategic and waiting for the right moment.
Instead he decided to repair the broken door handle first. The best way to fix things was by… fixing things, right? And fixing objects was easy. They didn’t judge you, or look daggers at you and they just shut up and let you monologue in peace. They also didn’t scream in terror when they saw you, unlike Lucius who had come through the freshly repaired door at that moment.
“Hi friend.” Ed started awkwardly. If looks could kill, he’d probably be dead. Lucius looked ready to throw him overboard. Or ready to throw up, Ed couldn’t really tell.
“...I just fixed the door.” He continued lamely and gestured at the repaired object when Lucius didn’t reply, in an attempt to overcome the hostile silence. ‘Talking,’ the helpful voice in his head that suspiciously sounded like Stede reminded him, ‘You just need to talk.’
“Don’t speak to me. Don’t even LOOK at me- !” Lucius hissed. So much for the talking strategy. Ed sharply inhaled through his teeth. Seemed the boy hadn’t forgotten about the throwing overboard incident then. He had seen him flip the bird during his apology and could read the tension in his body posture, Lucius would be a tough nut to crack.
“Yeaaahhh… So, I can tell you have issues with me-”
“ISSUES?” Lucius spat out, like Ed just insulted his whole family. “You’re a degenerate. An actual psycho!” Lucius’ nose flared and he seemed to be working himself up in a state. Ed’s thought went back to Stede telling him the probation would end once the crew felt fully comfortable around him, and here Lucius was about to vibrate out of his own skin in disdain simply by standing next to him. Probation would last forever.
“Maaaaybe we could get through this faster, if you let it all out in one go?” Ed suggested helpfully.
He received a scoff in reply. “There is nothing you can do that would fix this,” the agitated scribe stressed, eyebrows raised to heaven.
Well, that wouldn’t fly. He had to think of something to fix this, or else he would never get out of this itchy sack and collar get up. So he went with the first thing his brain could come up with. “I will let you push me off the ship.”
Apparently that was the right thing to say, because Lucius stopped hissing at him and paused, thinking. “Actually that could be huge,” He breathed out and squinted at Ed, possibly already imagining pushing him off the ship and the promise of gratification. The grin Edward plastered on his face in return probably looked as uncomfortable as it felt.
“Lead the way.” The boy shooed him away as if he was a sheep and Ed begrudgingly walked off to the beakhead of the ship. Once there, he turned around to the irate crew member following him and gestured around with his arms wide open. “Ok, we’re here. That’s where it happened.” He paused. “It did happen here, didn’t it? I don’t remember.” He couldn’t recall much if he was honest, not even why he had shoved the boy off the ship in the first place. He’d rather not think about the time after Stede left him and The Kraken took over, but he figured he would have to face that eventually.
Lucius just gave him another scathing look that told him he didn’t care much about what Ed was thinking right now. He huffed and rubbed his hands together, trying to compose himself. Getting right to it then. “Okay. Now you say ‘We’re having a talent show.’”
Having expected more shoving and less talking, Ed slowblinked and furrowed his brows in confusion. “What? Why would I say that?”
“Because we’re having a talent show,” Lucius hissed through his teeth. “Just– Shut up and say your line!” The boy was evidently losing his patience with every passing second, tension so high he seemed as tightly wound as a coil. Better to just do what he wants and say the stupid line. Except-
“...What was it again?”
Edward didn’t even have time to react, for Lucius had already shoved him off the ship with gusto. The next thing he felt was the wet embrace of the ocean and a moment of breathlessness as he dove underwater. When he came up for air again, he could hear Lucius hollering from above. “How does that feel bitch?!”
Ed didn’t know if he was supposed to feel something special, so he simply told him the truth. “Cold!” He pulled himself out of the water and up the rope ladder, his sorry excuse for clothing now sticking soggily to his skin. “How do you feel?” He yelled up to Lucius and received no reply. “Lucius? Do you have closure?” The silence continued and left Ed wondering if he had made any progress with apologizing at all. He thought it had gone rather well, dripping clothes aside, but apologies weren’t his forte. Maybe he would ask Lucius again later.
“Hey!” A voice from behind him startled him out of his thoughts and he turned around from where he was hanging off the rope ladder to greet the man in the dinghy below him. “Oh hey, Fang!”
“What’cha doing?” Fang had stopped rowing and was now peeking up at Ed cheerfully.
“Uh, making amends?” Ed answered hesitantly and Fang gave him an impressed nod. “And, making any progress?”
Edward flashed a look above him, where Lucius had shoved him into the water and then literally left him hanging down here. “Uhh… Maybe? I’m not sure.” He turned back to Fang who was still nodding, now in understanding. Then the man’s face lit up, apparently struck by an idea. “Hey! You wanna come with me? I’m gonna catch some fishes.”
Not feeling like climbing back on deck yet and meeting the rest of the crew, Ed agreed. Fang was old crew, he knew him, and hanging out with him should be fine. Maybe he could even progress with making amends. This would be a walk in the park.
—
Silence, Edward found, was even worse than talking it through, and so when he and Fang were preparing their lures in complete silence, he longed to fill it with conversation desperately. “Hey uhh, Fang. Can I ask you something?” Still focussed on his lure, Fang hummed in agreement. Edward was struggling with finding the right words for a moment. “Do you think I’m a dick?”
The response was not what he expected. Instead of explaining how he was a fine captain just doing his job, Fang started laughing. “Yeah, of course,” He breathed out in between laughs and only looked up when Ed didn’t join in. He must have pulled a face, because Fang schooled his expression into an apologetic one. “Oh, was that not what you were going for?”
Ed stared at him in disbelief. “No, I mean- I was hoping you’d say. Listen-” He rambled. “You and me, we had some good times right? A lotta laughs? Remember all the games we played?” Fang was nodding along again, not sure where Ed was going with this yet. Ed went on. “Like, knife parade! You remember that? Me running down the hall- ‘Come here you little fucker!’ with the knife in my hand.” He mimicked holding up a knife as if ready to stab and pretended he was chasing someone. “And you, you’re laughing and pretending to be scared as you’re running away from me, like ‘noo.’” He imitated Fang’s voice and laughed, thinking back of the good old times. Knife parade had always been his favorite, first the procession of knives and then the thrill of the chase-
“I-I wasn’t laughing.” Fang’s voice interrupted Ed’s walk down memory lane and he turned towards him, still giggling and half lost in his memory. “Yeah you were.” He scrunched his face up in confusion. What was Fang talking about, of course he had been laughing. They were having fun!
“No…” Fang shook his head, his brows furrowed in sadness. “I was screaming.” Ed’s giggling had faded out by now and he took in his former crew member like he was seeing him for the first time. “...What?”
“I was terrified. I didn’t like the game,” Fang continued and Ed could feel his face freeze, something heavy settling in his chest. No, he had been so sure this was a happy memory they all shared. How could he have interpreted this so wrong? He thought he knew Fang, could read him easily, but apparently they had been living completely different experiences. What he thought had been a friendly game between crew members had been a terrifying memory for the other. He didn’t know how to feel about that.
“Fuck Fang, I didn’t know that.” To say he was baffled was an understatement.”I’m sorry.” He lowered his head, unable to look at Fang as the silence stretched on between them. The scene of him chasing Fang with a knife replayed in his head, Fang now screaming in fear instead of laughing, his terrified face burning itself into Ed’s memory. Now lost in his thoughts, the images in his head changed back to the day, where he’d confronted the crew about the sour mood on the ship, where Fang’s face had looked equally terrified. Where everyone had looked uncomfortable, really. Ed hadn’t cared, too lost in the dark haze that had surrounded his thoughts and feelings to give a shit about how his own crew was cowering in front of him. He had been Blackbeard then, maybe something even worse than that, and fear and respect had always been part of captaincy, but he had gone too far. He became something unrecognizable even to himself and he didn’t want to be that anymore.
He stole a quick, calculating glance at Fang, who was back at preparing his lure with the serene calmness that always seemed to surround him. Despite what had happened between them he was sitting next to Ed now, and had even invited him to come along. That seemed strange to him. “How come you’re not mad at me?”
Fang looked back up at his former captain and shrugged. “I kinda got it out of my system when we beat you to death.” Ed grimaced at the reminder. At that moment he thought that would finally be his end, hoped for it even, wished for it to end, but death hadn’t been in the cards for him yet.
“So, you and I, we’re…”
“We’re good” Fang nodded and smiled and Ed couldn’t help but smile back softly. He peered back at the sea and fiddled around with his lure, having given up on properly preparing it, only needing something to keep his hands busy. “Uh well, I did deserve that, I guess. I did too much.” He huffed in disbelief and rambled on. “I mean, I dunked you guys underwater when you wouldn’t follow orders. Went on too many fucking raids after another, with no break to even enjoy our loot. Except the cake, the wedding cake was fucking delicious. I terrorized you all, honestly. I even shot a man’s leg off-”
“Izzy.”
“What?”
“Izzy,” Fang repeated sharply with determination. “It wasn’t just a man, it was Izzy.” He had sat through Ed’s rambling listening attentively, even throwing him encouraging smiles to continue his journey of realization, but now his face was clouded and his jaw seemed tense.
“I– …”
“The least you could do is say his name. You didn’t even face him when you shot him down.” Fang’s voice wavered but he continued to stare him in the eyes until Ed found himself unable to hold eye contact anymore. Feeling out of his element he turned his gaze back to the sea, the heaviness in his chest growing.
“I really fucked that up, didn’t I?” He finally whispered and Fang let out a heavy sigh. “Yeaaahhh you did, boss. But it’s Izzy. You’ve been through a lot together, I don’t think you completely fucked this up. I mean, this totally is the worst you’ve ever been through, and if I was him I’d probably never want to see you again, but, you know, it’s Izzy, right? Guy would never leave you behind, even though he should better pack up his stuff and leave–”
“Yupp. Yeah, alright. I gotcha, you don’t need to go on. Please.” Ed held up his hand to stop the tirade and mercifully the other man stopped talking. It was Ed’s turn to sigh. “I will have to apologize to him, and I would like to make amends, honestly, but I wouldn’t even know where to start. I don’t know what to say.”
Fang finished preparing his fishing rod and shrugged. “You’ve known each other for a long time. I’m sure you will figure something out.” Everyone seemed to believe him to be a master at everything. Stede, fully convinced apologizing would be child’s play to Ed. Fang absolutely sure Izzy and him could read each other like an open book. If only Ed could be half as convinced as they were. Of course, he and Izzy had traveled together for decades, they should know each other inside out, but if he was being honest, he had stopped appreciating his loyal mate a long time ago. He was always behind him, like a shadow, a silent supporter yet always unseen. He was a constant in Ed’s life, a given, and Ed had simply stopped paying attention.
Fang changed positions on the dinghy to face the open sea instead of his ruminating captain when he didn’t answer, getting ready to fish. “How about we quietly sit ‘n fish for a bit? You can think about what you want to tell him.” Ed looked down at his haphazardly put together lure and nodded, but he was almost certain no quiet time in the world could give him the answers he was looking for.
—
The moonlight was illuminating the deck when Edward finally returned and met back up with Stede at the railing, both of them enjoying each other’s presence in comfortable silence for a bit as they watched the sea. Edward stole a glance at Stede’s profile, his eyes sparkling in the moonlight and he felt himself smile fondly. “Sooo…” Ed started. “How was your day?”
The blond perked up and turned his trademark Stede smile on him, ready to go off but reining himself in at the last moment.. “Oh, that’s a long story. You know, I found a suit, but it was cursed, so I had to throw it away.” He grimaced and shrugged it off as if it was nothing, but Ed knew him and could tell he wanted to say more, so he gasped exuberantly and raised his eyebrows in curiosity. “Really? A cursed suit? Now how did that happen?”
Stede’s smile seemed to grow even bigger as he started to recount the events of today. “So Izzy was helping me become a better pirate, and then we saw this abandoned ship on the horizon, and I thought to myself, that’s my chance to shine as a newly remade pirate captain! And so we boarded that ship, we were ready to fight, just– us against them, but we found the ship already ravaged and bloodied and its crew…well, also bloodied. And so I boldly made my way into the captain’s cabin, to claim the ship as our own, and then…”
Ed tuned out eventually, not paying attention to Stede’s words, too enraptured by the way the other was vividly retelling his day, watching him gesture wildly and excitedly mimicking the other people involved in the adventure. Making sure to let out enthusiastic ‘ooh’s and ‘aah’s when appropriate to reassure he was still (partly) listening, he almost didn’t notice when his co-captain was wrapping up his story.
“...but in the end we boarded another ship and I left the cursed suit there, to ease the minds of my crew.” Stede finally finished and Ed fully snapped back to attention as the focus was back on him.
“Wow, sounds like you really had an exciting day!”
“You could say that. How was yours? How did probation day go?”
“Pretty good, I’d say?” Stede looked at him expectantly, eager to know more, so he continued. “I thiiiinnk I helped Lucius find some closure, and I also apologized to Fang. He took me fishing.” Ed held up the fish he had brought along but didn’t have the chance to bring up yet because he hadn’t wanted to interrupt Stede. “Look, I even caught one. Can you believe that?”
“That’s amazing Ed! I’m so proud of you!”
“Yeah, it’s a pretty fuckin’ big fish, too, isn’t it?”
“No, I mean it’s amazing that you managed to apologize to two people. But yes, that’s quite the catch you have there.”
“Oh.” Ed stared at the fish dangling between them and felt a bit silly but Stede just smiled at him warmly and shyly reached for his hand that wasn’t holding the fish. His eyes were cautiously telegraphing the question if this was okay and Ed found himself unable to do anything but smile back and nod.
“I truly think you’re an amazing person, Ed. I know apologizing isn’t easy, but you are putting yourself out there, and that takes courage.” Stede nodded at the fish, still dangling from Ed’s other hand. “And you’re trying out new things. I think that’s great.”
‘I think you’re great. The greatest thing that ever happened to me.’ is what Ed wanted to say, but his mouth wouldn’t cooperate. Not yet, not now. It felt too open, too honest, and he wasn’t quite there yet, so he just smiled back and huffed. “Yeahh, I’m a pretty great person.” He looked down at their intertwined hands and carefully rubbed his thumb over his… lover’s (?) hand. “Still got a long way to go though.” Stede absentmindedly let out a questioning sound, mesmerized by the soft stroking motion of Ed’s thumb. “With the apologizing I mean.”
“Oh. Yes! Making amends.” Stede cleared his throat. “Do you…”
“I think I should talk to Izzy.” Ed blurted out and Stede smiled at him empathetically.
“Yes, you should. I think it would do both of you good.”
“I’m fucking scared though.”
Stede wrapped his other hand around Ed’s, enveloping it in both his hands and pulling it up to his chest, and made sure to catch Ed’s eyes. “That’s good. That’s a sign that it means something to you. And you're going to give it your best try to make this right.”
“But what if he doesn’t accept it?” Ed replied slightly desperate now and Stede frowned unhappily.
“That is a possibility, yes. But you will have to accept that, I’m afraid.” That wasn't exactly the reaffirmation Ed wanted to hear. This was unlike a raid, where he could run into headfirst with no regard for the consequences. He was already facing the consequences of his past deeds, and it felt awful. Caring felt awful. He almost wished back the numbness that enshrouded his heart and his mind when he was–
“Hey.” Stede had let go of his hand to carefully cup his face and turn it back to look at him. “No getting lost in your head now. Just… listen to your heart.” Leave it to Stede to say flowery shit like that and make it sound earnest. He was like a lighthouse, shining light into Ed’s life, helping him maneuver out of the darkness, out of the danger, into safer seas. He was overcome with a warmth in his chest and he put his hand over the place where his heart was beating steadily and alive. He wanted to thank him. He wanted to kiss him.
The spell was broken however when Ed caught a glimpse of a person in the dark slowly making their way across the other side of the deck. He followed their slow trek with his eyes for a second and when he turned back to Stede, the latter looked slightly disappointed, but still smiling warmly at him. “Was that…?”
“Izzy. Yeah I think so. No one else would check on the ship this late at night.”
“Never taking a break, does he?” Stede agreed and let go of Ed. “Are you going to talk to him right now?”
Ed inhaled deeply and released an unhappy sigh. “I had a good run apologizing today, now’s probably the best time.” In reality he was afraid he’d chicken out forever if he didn’t kick his own ass into action now, but of course he wouldn’t admit that out loud.
“Then go get him, tiger.” Stede patted his shoulder reassuringly and Ed huffed in amusement. He looked back at the fish he was still holding and offered it to Stede. “Should probably not go into this with a dripping fish in my hand. Here! The spoils of the war go to the captain.”
And with that he wandered off towards the shadowy figure slinking around the ship, the light jingling of the bell around his neck betraying the heaviness of his steps.
—
He could tell the moment Izzy heard him coming closer, because even in the dark it was impossible to miss the way his first mate tensed. Or was it ‘former first mate’? He had given the position to Frenchie on a whim after he shot Izzy down and it didn’t take the guy a day to disobey his orders, and Ed mentally discarded him from the first mate position again. Not that he was a captain anymore either. This still left him with the question of what they were to each other right now. ‘Who am I to you?’ echoed the resigned voice in his head, and Ed shuddered at the uncomfortable reminder of the talk they had before. Or rather the conversation they didn’t have before, since he never gave him an answer. He took a deep breath and prepared himself for the conversation he was about to have, then he stepped next to his… Izzy, leaning on the foremast.
“Pretty night we’re having today, aye?” He pushed out way more jovially than appropriate, to mask the uncertainty in his voice.
Izzy only barely moved his head in Ed’s direction but avoided looking at him. “‘S an alright night.”
Edward hummed, when nothing further came. “You doing your rounds? Everything in order?”
“Yeah.” Izzy huffed. “As in order as Bonnet’s ship can be.” A brief smile quirked up on Edward’s face. Leave it to Izzy to complain about Stede or his ship. That at least was something that he knew about him that hadn’t changed. “So, are you done inspecting already or do you feel like walking with me for a bit?” Ed let his gaze wander around the deck. Anxiety was starting to bubble up inside of him and the buzzing in his head urged him on to get moving, to get rid of the excess energy. Walking helped him think, helped him clear his thoughts.
Izzy stayed silent for a bit until he eventually rasped out: “Actually, I was taking a short…break.” His voice sounded small and Ed glanced at the man next to him. He was still leaning on the mast and subtly shifted, repositioning his wooden leg. Oh. Izzy must have gotten tired from walking around and Ed had caught him off guard when he was secretly taking a break, when he was in a vulnerable position. For as long as Ed could remember, he had never seen his first mate take a break.The man always seemed to be in action, so much that Edward sometimes doubted he even slept at night.
He took in the small stature of his- Izzy. Another thing that was new. Everyone with eyes could see that Izzy was somewhat smaller, but even then he always managed to stand tall and proud. The man who was standing next to him –leaning on the mast to stand upright really– looked weary and small, a shadow of the battle-steeled first mate Edward once knew, and the blame was his to take. He had to look away again, unable to face what he had created.
“D’you think, that maybe next time we could-”
“What do you want, Edward.” Izzy’s voice cut through, weary yet firm. “You’ve never given a fuck about the state of the ship and you certainly never fuckin’ cared to go for a walk with me either. So why are you here, really?”
He should have known that Izzy would want to get to the point immediately, yet Edward was still wholly unprepared, unsure how to start this. There were a thousand words flying around in his head but he didn’t know which were the right ones to pick, the right ones to fix this. If this could be fixed, his head added unhelpfully.
“I–” He began, grasping for words and raising his shoulders in question. “I shouldn’t have shot your leg. And– taken your toes.”
Izzy just snorted. “Kinda had that coming, didn’t I? Shouldn’t have provoked you.”
Edward huffed. “I mean, sure you were kinda pushy at first, and what the fuck did you think threatening me would do? You should know better than to play with fire, Iz.” He chuckled, trying to play it off as a joke, but that seemed to have been the wrong thing to say because Izzy’s face shut down immediately and he turned away from him.
“Right. You were fuckin’ moping around like a heartbroken teenager. You shut yourself away like you were giving up on living. I had to fucking do something, didn’t I? Who else was there to get you back on your feet. Stede fucking Bonnet sure wasn’t.” Came the icy reply and Edward could feel his hackles rising.
“And whose damned fault was that, mh?” Ed replied coldly, the tone of his voice deathly calm, reminiscent of the darker days he didn’t want to think about, days he wanted to leave behind. “Who sold him out to the British and almost sealed his fate right there and then?”
“He would have gotten you killed eventually!” Izzy hissed. “He was unfit for pirate life and you would have followed him straight into death. You wanted to retire, Ed, and he was your retirement plan. You couldn’t kill him and I told you I would gladly help.” The more he talked the more agitated Izzy got and Ed started to hear a roaring in his ears that threatened to drone out everything else, and he felt a fire stinging in his lungs. As if on auto-pilot, he took a step towards Izzy.
“It wasn’t your place to kill him!” He yelled and the last of Izzy’s pent up energy left him in an instant, as the man in front of him seemed to deflate.
“No. It wasn’t my place.” He rasped out, his voice and eyes hollow. “You showed me where that place was.” The laugh he let out was humorless and flat. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be in my cabin.” And with that he turned his back to Edward and slowly walked away.
Edward blinked. The fire that had just been raging inside of his chest was gone, now replaced by an icy feeling that slowly spread inside of him, taking over his whole body. No, no, no, this wasn’t supposed to play out like this. How did they end up here, he wanted to make amends, but then they had been yelling at each other, and now Izzy was turning his back on him, the gulf between them growing bigger and bigger, and if he didn’t do anything now he would never be able to bridge that chasm between them again.
“Izzy– Iz. I didn’t mean it–” He called out desperately, to the back of the man who had been at his side for over 20 years. “Fuck, I– I wanted to apologize. I didn’t mean to, fuck–” He was desperately tugging at his hair, frantically trying to find the right words to unfuck the mess he made. “I’m sorry, alright? It was cruel and a fucked up thing to do, but I need you, Iz.”
Izzy had stopped walking the moment Ed had called out for him, keeping his back to him, his face unreadable. Only the heaving of his shoulders was visible in the moonlight as he sighed deeply and final. “No Edward, you don’t. Not anymore.” And then he continued walking and Edward let him, unable to rebut, until he disappeared into the darkness of the night.
It took Ed a while until he was able shake off his stupor and he slowly made his way back to his own sleeping place. That night he dreamt of bloodied boots, loaded guns and a tired disembodied voice that kept asking “who am I to you” over and over, until it was drowned out by the crescendoing howls of a storm.
—
Stede took one look at him the next morning and decided to have mercy on him. Ed was pretty damn sure his probation wasn’t over yet, but Stede removed his bell collar anyway and gave him back his normal clothes with a hearty pat on his shoulders and a ‘Just make sure not to sneak up on people’ and that was that. The amount of sleep Ed had gotten that night was close to zero, and Stede scanned his exhausted face and thankfully didn’t ask him how his apology went. Instead he gave him a sympathetic smile and wished him a nice day before he was off to… rearrange furniture apparently.
Ed stayed a little longer inside the captain’s cabin they were sharing again (although sleeping separately, with Stede taking the bed and Ed accepting the couch) and stared outside the window, hating the sun rays shining so brightly when his mood was akin to three days of non-stop rain. He would have stayed inside all day, but he could visualize Stede’s disappointed face if he found out he didn’t at least try to socialize with the crew, and there was also a second voice in his head admonishing him to not shut himself away again and start living instead, and for some reason he didn’t want to disappoint either of them.
So he heaved himself up from where he was seated with a groan and the grace of a man his age who had come back from the gravy basket a few days ago and exited his safe haven of isolation. The sun beams weren’t any kinder to his mood now that he stepped outside and he had to shield his bleary eyes to even see what was going on. The crew was already up and working, or at least showing a solid effort of doing something productive.
Jim and their better half, as well as their newer better half (Ed couldn’t even remember if he ever bothered to ask her name, Izzy had taken care of recruiting more crew members) were chatting to his left, Jim leaning on the mop they were cleaning the floor with and Boodhari rolling up the ropes that were all over the place, while the newbie was putting aside some left over rubble from the storm.
What was more interesting to him however was the scribe and Izzy talking further up the deck. The latter had already noticed Ed emerging from the captain’s cabin, although he pretended not to. But Ed had seen the minute shifting of his head and the alertness to Ed’s presence. Their argument from last night still echoed in his head and the heavy feeling in his chest returned. They were only a few steps apart, but he could swear he could feel the gulf opening up between them, like an ugly bleeding wound. He had to try again to fix this.
Ed took about two steps when a mop was shoved his way and he almost stumbled over it. “What the–”
“¡Oye, pendejo! Watch your step, I just cleaned the floor there.” Jim was suddenly up in his face blocking the view, gesticulating at the floor. “Wouldn’t want you to slip and break something, now.” New crew member snickered from behind Jim and Ed plastered the fakest of all fake smiles on his face. “How awfully considerate of you,” He spoke through clenched teeth and made a show of sidestepping the spot they had blocked with the mop. He didn’t really care for a confrontation right now, he still had to walk up to Izzy and–
Izzy wasn’t there anymore when he looked and Edward deflated. A side glance to Jim, who was still watching him like a hawk, told him that the mop incident had been very much deliberate to give their friend the time to retreat. He softly cursed under his breath and massaged his temple. Maybe Izzy had talked to them about what happened last night and asked them to make sure Ed couldn’t get near him again. Maybe the crew decided on their own that under no circumstances Ed was to get close to his first mate. ‘He was your friend!’ He winced when he heard Jim exclaim angrily, but when he turned back to look at them, they were still just watching him carefully. Another memory then, here to haunt him.
Either way, he wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near Izzy, there was nothing he could do. The gulf was now insurmountable. Edward swallowed, the heaviness in his throat a constant companion these days.
He turned back to the three crew members, who were still watching him tensely, and gestured lamely to the floor and the mess they were cleaning. “You… need help with that or something?” He muttered.
They glanced at each other in barely concealed shock, the newbie shrugged and they nodded at each other. “Knock yourself out!” Jim handed him the mop and pointed to the cargo access. “Archie ‘n I are gonna clear out some more of the broken furniture. You can swab the deck.” Ah, Archie it was then. Ed pasted on another fake smile as he accepted the mop he was handed. “Sure, can do!” He replied with feigned enthusiasm and off the other two went.
Boodhari gave him one courteous smile as he continued to tidy up the ropes but stayed silent otherwise, which served Ed just as well as he absolutely didn’t want to fucking talk and instead listlessly swabbed and pondered how the fuck his life took such a turn.
—
He had pretended to swab the deck for about an hour until he finally gave up and put the mop away. Ed found himself once again at the railing, staring at the sea, as he had done many times lately. The sky was filled with clouds, yet none that indicated a storm was coming, and the sea itself was calm. It should have filled Ed with peace as well, yet he found a storm brewing inside of himself, unable to settle and calm down.
He closed his eyes and simply listened to the sound of the waves, when another noise made its way to him. His heart jumped when he recognized it as the sound of a wooden leg thumping on deck, drawing closer. A minute later an ungloved hand found its way on the railing next to his. Even though he had wanted to talk to him before, now that Izzy stood next to him, Ed was again unable to speak. He looked at their hands on the railing, inches apart, but he still felt further away from Izzy than ever.
With a hefty inhale Izzy took it upon him to open the dialogue. “No fancy wiener clouds this time.” And something inside Ed melted at the callback to their earlier conversations, when things seemed– When things were… When things were already fucked between them, but not as fucked as now.
“Nahhh. Just regular ol’ clouds. Disappointing isn’t it?”
Izzy shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve had enough of storms. Don’t mind a bit of calm.”
Ed turned to look at Izzy, who was still resolutely gazing at the sea and the clouds. “Yeah. Don’t mind that either,” He said softly and saw Izzy’s gaze flicker to him for a second. He let the silence between them stretch on, but it was a comfortable kind of silence, one that felt familiar. He realized he had missed just being next to Izzy, not for talking business and making plans, he just missed them being Ed and Izzy.
“You asked me who you are to me,” Ed started slowly and he saw the man next to him perk up curiously. “You are not my first mate anymore.”
“Yeah you made that abundantly clear when you….fired me.” Izzy huffed sarcastically and Ed heard the unspoken ‘fired your gun at me’ in his hesitation, but Ed wasn’t done speaking yet. “No, I mean. I’m not a captain anymore. Only captains get to have first mates.”
Izzy turned to him abruptly and his face spoke of a resoluteness Ed hadn’t seen from him in a while. “You will always be my captain, Edward. Nothing can change that.” It took all his strength not to falter under the intensity with which Izzy was focussing on him and look away and he had to swallow, his throat feeling constricted with a feeling he couldn’t name.
He let out a short pained laugh. “Your loyalty is gonna getcha killed one day, Iz. Almost did already.”
“The only retirement for us is death.” Izzy quoted, with a smirk. “Told you that already.”
Ed had to look away for a moment and take a deep breath, bracing himself, making himself vulnerable.. “Yeah maybe I’d rather you stay alive though, how about that?” He exhaled all at once.
“Only if you do the same.” Came the hoarse reply, Izzy still looking at Ed imploringly, his eyes looking suspiciously shiny. They didn’t have to speak about the moment Ed had handed him the gun, with the intent to end it all, the memory hung heavy between them, unspoken. He had wanted it to be an olive branch, an opportunity for Izzy to repay what had been done to him and also a way out for Ed to escape without needing to deal with his consequences, but it had also been the cruelest thing he could have offered to the man who had devotion etched into every fiber of his being. Who was wearing the mark of his devotion to Ed on his face for everyone to see, and now also on his left leg.
“Fuck–” Ed ran his hand across his face and laughed, just so he wouldn’t get more choked up. “Okay, yeah. I’m gonna need a friend though who keeps my stupid ass in check.”
“You got Bonnet for that.” Izzy smiled ruefully. Then, “He’s good for you.”
"Yeah, he is." Ed smiled warmly at the thought of the blond gentleman pirate, who somehow made a place in Edward’s life and also his heart. “But I need someone who’s known me through all my ups and downs. Fuck, Iz, we’ve known each other for so long and I almost–” He broke off in the middle of the sentence and had to take a few steps away to collect himself. When he was The Kraken, every day had been shrouded in a dark haze. The Kraken’s world had been blurry around the edges, almost as if he had been walking through life without really being present. Izzy was the only one who had dared to come close to him, to walk into the darkness, and slowly that darkness had pulled him in, then pulled him apart toe by toe until The Kraken had almost completely devoured him.
Edward choked back a sob. “I haven’t been good to you.”
One gloved hand was placed on his shoulder, a silent sign of support and comfort. “We both haven’t been good for each other for a while now, Eddie.” Came the whispered response from behind him. Edward put his hand over the comforting hand on his shoulder and squeezed it, unable to turn around just yet. His voice was breaking, but he tried to steady himself. “No. But maybe we still can be…?” He tried not to sound too hopeful, but his eyes were wide and imploring when he took the courage to finally turn around and look Izzy in the eyes. There were wet, salty tracks on his friend’s face, and his eyes were red-rimmed and shiny, but Ed didn’t comment on it because his eyes were the same.
“Even old dogs can learn new tricks. Why the fuck not?” Izzy rasped and Edward had to laugh, and Izzy joined in, and it felt freeing, like something was snapping back into place. Like something he didn’t even know was missing was back at the place where it used to be.
“My friend. My Izzy.” Edward murmured, and put his hand on Izzy’s shoulder. It felt like he was truly looking at him for the first time in years, and so he noticed the slight hitch in Izzy’s breath when his hand met his shoulder. He could feel him tremble and without thinking, Ed found himself embracing Izzy and pulled him in close to his chest. He was hugged back after a second of shock, and soon felt a hitching breath and more hot tears against his shirt.
He held on and vowed to himself to never let go again.
