Work Text:
“You might want to reconsider your plan, Captain!” The Countess called out over the howling gale to One Eyed Frank. “You can’t kill me. You can’t hold me. And you’ve brought me a thousand miles away from land, which means my only food source is you and your crew. What exactly were you planning on doing with me once I woke up?”
“Oh, just a little dissection here and there. Maybe take some samples to the Royal Academy in London and show those Illuminati nutjobs that I was right, and there’s a cult of secret vampires living right under their noses! Oh, and I didn’t just grab you. Oh no, I had to get some insurance too.”
Countess stopped threatening Frank’s second mate Theo and froze, a bolt from the heavens briefly illuminating her petrified glare. There was only one person she loved in this world, and Frank must have figured out where she was staying. Laura always insisted on staying someplace with a spring nearby to bathe in, and somebody must have noticed that pattern. Ah well, Countess was certain she could fight her way back to her Laura. Getting back to land was more difficult. Reading the stars told her she was far away, very far.
“Hey Carm! You’re awake! Thank Neptune, I was worried they’d like poisoned you or something!” Whatever they’d slipped her, it wasn’t in any danger of killing her more permanently than the last time, but it had knocked her for a loop long enough to be worrisome. And of course Laura was beaming, even though she was tied up looking like a figurehead on the prow of a proud schooner. God, she was beautiful and frustratingly optimistic.
“Send her on the plank.”
That’s my line usually. Laura dutifully waddled out, pushed along by another redheaded crewmember. Odin’s Ravens, did they make port in Ireland and steal any children who got too close to ship? Carmilla Karnstein - known by the moniker The Countess to the British East India Company and sundry victims and (formerly) whorehouses near and far- sighed and rolled her eyes dramatically. Her disaffected manner was noticed by the man holding her by the end of a rope, but the slack she’d gathered behind her wrists wasn’t. Until she wrapped it around his neck.
“STOP OR SHE GOES IN THE DRINK!” One Eyed Frank hollered at the top of their lungs. They meant it, the crew of the Experiment was everything they had in this world. “Ah whatever, push her already. If you send her to die, so do all of you, but much more slowly.” She brought her fangs to bear in the dim light, emphasizing her threat with a growl. “If you back down, I will only eat enough of you to survive until we make landfall. Either way, you’re not getting out of this.”
She hadn’t counted on a third option. One Eyed Frank dropped an anchor chain off the port stern, but the device on the end was decidedly more high-tech than a simple weight with tines. Shortly, there was a commotion as a great tentacle burst from the water and slapped against the surface of the waves. Laura, still grinning, watched her lover with aplomb. It was pretty special to see her get all angry like this, over nothing. The pirates didn’t know that, of course. She would have been fine in the water, her dad made sure of that.
As the great beast drew closer, the cannons were manned and rigging adjusted to tack slightly starboard. Grapeshot was too light to defend against this Sword of Damocles the Captain had unsheathed, and it remained to be seen if the sword harmed those who stood before it as surely as it would those whose wrath it bequeathed. The Captain had a plan for that. Well, an idea.
As one massive eye rolled upwards to meet the sputtering daylight and rain, the mantle broke the surface and tentacles swarmed. They roved along the path of the monster searching for the noise that drew it. The fragile humans, and non-humans, stared down.
“Fluffly! Awwww, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you!”
Damn it. Of course she named it Fluffy. Why was this even a surprise?
One Eyed Frank gaped. The plan was totally working, but the Kraken wasn’t attacking and in fact appeared to be hugging the hostage? Further examination obviously required.
The Countess chuckled. “Didn’t count on that, huh?”
“The records I was able to find all indicate the creature is hostile to humans. I was able to program the lure to call it here based on the frequency of an injured sperm whale. Why isn’t it attacking?”
“It’s her pet, dimwit squad. You have no idea who you’re messing with, and I don’t mean the vampires.” The vampire smirked.
Laura was shimmering, a golden glow matching her hair slowly enveloping her lower body. The ropes holding her to the timber dissolved and she was left sitting awkwardly on a long powerful tail ending in two flippers.
Dr. S LaFontaine-Frankenstein facepalmed, a term that would not exist for another 400 years. Their mechanical magnifier eye ground slightly as a bearing rusted from the salt didn’t quite cooperate with the planetary gear it was guiding. They dedicated notes to themselves more out of habit than anything else.
“Hostage has transformed into what appears to be a classical western mermaid. Scales are golden and flippers deeper pigmentation. Tail is approximately 1.6 meters long and appears extremely muscular, possibly allowing great speed and maneuverability in water. Transition from Homo Sapiens to Homo Pesci occurs slightly above where human waist would be. Subject appears to have magical properties, as they were able to conceal tail via human appearance. Known to cohabitate and attempt procreation with Homo Sapiens Sanguinus. Unknown number of species.”
“You done, doc? Me and Ariel got stuff to do, fish to catch.”
“Who is Ariel?”
“Redhead. You’d like her. Come on babe, jump in and give me a ride back to civilization.”
“Woah.” That was… unlike anything Carmilla Karnstein had ever experienced.
She’d never had the inclination or opportunity to try any kind of hallucinogen while human, and most didn’t affect vampires. LaF had apparently doctored up something special for Woodstock 2025, especially for the vamps in attendance. “Coming out of the coffin” as it would always be known thanks to that awful show was only a couple years back, and this festival was one of the first to welcome openly supernatural performers and fans. Of course, a few had actually been there in 1969 including one Arcmilla Karnstein. Humans were slowly opening up to the idea, and she and Laura had decided to make this their first big outing as a vampire couple.
She had wanted to do the whole human experience, but realized that an eternity wouldn’t wait forever and after years of nagging her dad he finally agreed. After all, what kind of badass would be able to harm his baby girl when she could bite back?
“That… was a trip.” LaF grinned, Perry stirred the lemonade. “Tell me you didn’t give that to Laura.”
“Ha, no grumpy pants. I gave her a tiny sedative and a little catnip."
Huh? Oh. Sweet Cupcake, that was the most adorable thing.
Laura Hollis, currently a lioness, was snoozing while three human kids took turns petting her. Their parents watched anxiously, as all parents would when their little ones wandered up to a creature that wanted to eat them and also to drink them, depending on how she felt like existing that day. She stretched, and the kids startled back in a mix of terror and excitement. Shrinking back down to a smaller than usual ex-human body, she woke to see her beloved standing over her, blood bag in hand and crazy straw in pocket. “Oh cooooool! Can we see your fangs?!” “Yeah, show us your fangs miss vampire!”
Carm grumbled something unintelligible as Laura beamed. “Of course! They’re still really small, but they’re pretty sharp and it’s so neat how they come in and out!” She demonstrated a couple times to the gasps of tiny humans. Unable to resist showing her up a bit, Carmilla called to the kids. “Please, those are barely fangs at all. Mine are much cooler.” She let them slide out and made a slightly grumpier face, to the horror of 4 parents and glee of 3 children who were quickly, finally, hauled away.
“Aw baby, they were interested and you scared them away!”
“Good. I want you all to myself.” Carmilla stretcher her arms out, entwining her hands behind Laura's neck. The younger woman looked up, beaming.
“Oh, I had the weirdest dream while I was sleeping! I was on some kind of a boat. Belay that, matey! I’m on a booooaaaat, on a booaaat take good hard look at the motherfippin’ boat, King of the World on a boat like Leo ” before she was cut off by a sighing Countess. “I had a dream too on some kind of crazy vampire LSD Ginger Frankenstein made up. You wanna know what happened?”
Her golden princess nodded, a child for a moment lost in a fantasy world.
"Let's just say Mermaid Laura was just as eager as I was to prove that one can indeed bang a mermaid."